zEN kOANS [2/2 - 19k]
Lawrence Garfield
XX Motor Dysfunction
Show Them said, "How come a great Mage like the E.`.0.`. can't even move a
muscle (1)?" Then he said, "It's not lingual-manual (2) that conveys in-
formation (3) to our fellows (4)."
NOTES: 1. Move a muscle: Flex what thou wilt, oh neuromuscular system.
2. Lingual-manual: a) From Leary-Wilson Neurologic: the third circuit,
where language and manual dexterity enable humans to define and con-
trol the environment; b) Modified Leary-Wilson: the fourth circuit,
but the same item - after all, most animals are socialized (fourth/
third circuit, respectively) without access to lingual-manual.
3. Conveys information: Zen is not transmitted by words and gestures.
4. Fellows: BristerSothers.
XXI Bleeding Burger
"A monkey asked Um Uh, "What is Buddha?" "A bleeding burger (1)!"
NOTES: 1. Bleeding burger: Gross things are also subtle.
A (author): Punishment intended
B (beater): OK, beaten!
A: Hsss!
B: I did Tao a Buddha kwatz!
XXII Gifts of the E.`.0.`.
Any Day Now asked 'Cause-of-a, "The Extra0rdinary 0ne gave you Forms of the
Trigram (1); did he give you anything else?" 'Cause-of-a replied, "Fall
apartheid (2) as it may."
NOTES: 1. Forms of the Trigram, the PanSophic Character Device: Animal, Vege-
table; Mineral (Philosophers Stone); Analog (Thunderclutch); Digital
(Pyxels); Neural (Nervous Psyxdem); Manual; Lassoed; Bullseye (Ex
targetstasy); Banishing Trigram; Camphyre; Teepeexd; Pyx; Psyx;
Psych-Eyed Delta; Pshan Chouei Djen (MountainWater Man); others yet
unformulated: Tools of the Alchemist Grade of the BristerSotherhood.
2. Fall apartheid: Let the system fall!; If the suit splits, tear it
(let it tear - it will tear).
XXIII Diuretics
E.`.0.`. was being chased by a mad monkey of Diuretics (1). E.`.0.`. put his
dharma on a rock (2) and said, "This dharma merely represents a glimpse of the
Doubtful Faith. You can't take it by force, but, if you must, go ahead."
Balking, the monkey said, "I came for the information, not the dharma (3).
Please teach me." E.`.0.`. said, "Sam (4) does not take sides - not even the
side against taking sides (5). Now, how to proceed?" Suddenly, the monkey
was Illuminated, and extasizing, asked, "Can I go further?" "Do what thou
wilt, and no noise is the best noise (6)." The monkey then said, "You are my
Master." "No, you're the Master (7)."
NOTES: 1. Diuretics: a cult where monkeys regularly pay for urinalysis.
2. Dharma on rock: a) abandoned his alchemical goodies; b) abandoned
his 0REZIAN scribblage; c) drew a Philosopher's Stone.
3. Information/Dharma: Juice/Rind.
4. Sam: (Skt: Sam; Gk: Syn/m; Lat: Con/Cum; Eng: Same); "withness, to-
getherness, ...,union,likeness, ...sameness,equality, ..., balance,"
(AJ Bahm: Philosophy of the Buddha)
5. Sides/No sides: No bias, no fence-sitting; no faith, no doubt, no
wavering.
6. "Do what thou wilt" is the Whole of the Law;
"Wei wu-wei" is the Way of the Tao;
East and West, No noise is the best.
7. "You're the Master." "No, you're the master.", "No, ..."
XXIV Butterscotch
A monkey asked Forget It, "Both noise and no noise miss the point (1); how
can we snag the needle (2)?" Forget It said, "Butterscotch! Dutch Butter-
scotch (3)! The kind we call 'Gimme' (4)!"
NOTES: 1. Miss the point: No noise is ease, but no noise is comatese. (argh!)
2. Snag the needle: Ta Hai Lao Chen, or dragging for a needle in the
deep sea (i.e., haystack). What a drag!
3. Dutch Butterscotch!: a) fine candy; b) dharma; c) sauce
4. The kind we call 'Gimme': a) candy before a baby; b) dharma before
a seeker; c) sauce for the Extra0rdinary 0ne.
XXV Third Bardo
Key 0'Zen took a trip. As he entered the Third Bardo (1), the voice of a
monkey said, "Words of Wisdom (2) will now be uttered by the 0ne in the Third
Bardo." Key 0'Zen got up from his futon and said, "The Perennial Philosophy
(3) is beyond Faith and Doubt (4), beyond the Infinite Dialectic (5). Hear
the Noise (6)!"
NOTES: 1. Third Bardo: "reentry" from a psychedelic trip to ordinary reality
(Leary, Psychedelic Experience); reloading the routine routines.
2. Words of Wisdom: We know how reliable trippers' wisdom is!
3. Perennial Philosophy: Gnosis, Theosophy, Vedanta, Zen, 0REZ, ...
4. Faith/Doubt: No faith, no doubt, no wobble.
5. Infinite Dialectic: Poseidon's Chaotic Dialectic/Dilemma: A, not A,
both A and not A, neither A nor not A, both both A and not A and
neither A nor not A, neither both A and not A nor neither A nor not A,"
Chaos ensues as this absurd structure falls apartheid.
6. Hear the Noise: a) Get the news; b) Audio-Horizon Extension; c)
Restless Calm.
XXVI Venetian Blinds
Huggin' Serious went to lecture the monkeys before lunch and before speaking,
pointed to the venetian blinds (1). At once, two monkeys got up and closed
them. Huggin' Serious then said, "0ne's Venescient (2), and one's blind (3)."
NOTES: 1. Blinds: as if the message being delivered were TOP SECRET er sum'm.
2. Venescient: The gross knowledge product was relatively large when
Venice was the center of commerce.
3. 0ne/one: 0ne had the sauce, and one was merely perfunctional.
XXVII Unspoken Words
A monkey asked Nonsense, "Is there a Truth Unspoken (1)?" "Yes, there is,"
replied Nonsense." "What is the Truth Unspoken?" the monkey pressed.
"Not these words (2)," answered Nonsense.
NOTES: 1. Truth Unspoken: Unformulated Dharma, or Sauce, or ...
2. '''"""Not these words," noted notester." noted notester." ...
XXVIII Invisible Flashlight
Toke Some took a late lesson with Wrrr Then. At the end of the evening,
Wrrr Then said, "It's late and I want to go to sleep." It was dark outside,
so he extended a flashlight (1) to his guest, but before handing it over, he
turned out the lights. Toke Some was suddenly Illuminated and said goodby.
"What have you discovered?" asked Wrrr Then. "I will never again doubt the
Illumination you have shown me." The next day, Wrrr Then mounted the lectern
and said, "One of you is a heisenberger and a random motherfactor (2), and a
mass-murderin' dog (3). Some day he'll fix my end (4) with the thing." Toke
Some then went out and burned his dharma (5) in front of the lecture hall and
proclaimed, "All formulated dharma must be burned to oblivion (6). The Elixer
of Immortality (7) is but an ooze of sap from a cactus (8)." Then he bolted.
NOTES: 1. Flashlight: a) The Illumination shines into the darkness, but not
onto itself; b) Absolutely Inconceiveable Flashlight, or Yau Kwau,
or Hsuan Hsien, or Mysterious Presence, or 0REZ, or ...
2. Heisenberger/Random Motherfactor: A True Wizard of Schroedinger's
Catma.
3. Mass-murderin' Dog: Even things as big as cultures and other mass
hallucinations are ruthlessly slashed by this Psycklesman.
4. Fix my end: Even Wrrr Then was vulnerable.
5. Burned dharma: a) smoked the little smoke; b) destroyed his notes.
6. Oblivion: Actually, to smoke and ashes.
7. Elixer of Immortality: special sauce.
8. Sap from cactus: a) useless thing; b) special alchemical source.
XXIX Burning Questions
A flag was on fire on the Temple steps and two monkeys had a fight about it.
One said the flag was burning and the other said the protester was burning.
E.`.0.`. interrupted, "The flag is not burning, the protester is not burning,
the fire is not burning; language is burning (1)." The monkeys were struck
by stones (2).
NOTES: 1. Flag burning (intransitive);
Protester burning (transitive);
Fire burning (tautology);
Language burning (flammable semantic fuzz).
2. Struck by stones: a) taken aback; b) Illuminated; c) seriously
injured.
XXX Mind Booted
Day By Day asked But So, "What is Buddha?" But So replied, "Mind is
booted (1)."
NOTES: 1. Mind is booted: DOS Bootism, Computer Psientology, or Computer-
Aided Dharma; Mind can be/often needs to be rebooted too.
XXXI Wise Woman
One of Joe Shoe's monkeys visited a wise woman (1) and asked her to tell his
fortune. She said he would do so and so; he went out and did so and so.
She mumbled (2), "Mumble mummumble, mumble mummumble mumble, mummumble mumble."
Another monkey witnessed this and told Joe Shoe about it. Joe Shoe went to
see what was up with the fortuneteller. He got the same fortune; he carried
out the fortune. She yakked (3), "Yak yakkety yak, yakkety yak yakkety, yak
yakkety yak." On returning, he told the monkeys, "Now I know what's up (4),"
and that's all he said (5).
NOISE: 1. Wise woman: a) Mage; b) Mad; c) Mere fraud.
2. Mumble: a) Low volume low content high coup; b) Glossolalia.
3. Yak: a) High volume low content high coup; b) Glossolalia.
4. What's up: Mage, mad or fraud?
5. He said he'd check it out but he didn't say he'd report on it.
XXXII Horizontal Dog
An outsider asked the Extra0rdinary 0ne, "I come not for noise, nor do I
come for no noise" The E.`.0.`. just listened. In that lull the outsider
glazed over (1) and finally exclaimed, "I am blessed! Blessed be the Buddha!"
Then he left. Any Day Now asked, "What did this guy realize and why did he
praise you?" E.`.0.`. responded, "Some dogs can hear their Master beyond
the horizon (2)."
NOTES: 1. Eyes glazed over: a) grokked the message; b) spontaneous brain nova.
2. Master beyond horizon: a) audio-horizon extension; b) unformulated
dharma; c) "Here, Fido!"
XXXIII No Mind Booted
A monkey asked But So, "What is Buddha?" But So replied, "No mind, not
booted (1)."
NOTES: 1. No mind, not booted: "The Doctor is out."
XXXIV Mind Not Booted
Nonsense said, "Mind not booted, knowledge no path (1)."
NOTES: 1. Knowledge no path: No way to process knowledge with no mind;
"Semester break"
XXXV Eve's Three Faces
Go Slow asked a monkey, "Eve (1) had three faces (2); which is her real face
(3)?"
NOTES: 1. Eve: a) a schizo; b) Shakti to Adam
2. Three faces: a) multiple personality; b) Trigram.
3. Real face: a) Atman (Self); b) Anatta (No-Self).
XXXVI Gatekeeper
Go Slow said, "When you meet a Gatekeeper (1) on the road, you don't greet him
with noise and you don't greet him with no noise. How do you greet him (2)?"
NOTES: 1. Gatekeeper: One who practices the Three Rules:
a) Question everything;
b) Consider anything; and
c) Believe nothing.
2. How to greet: "Open sesame!" (?)
XXXVII Dharma Bush
A monkey asked Joe Shoe, "Why did Dharma (1) appear on the scene?" Joe Shoe
replied, "The bush (2) in the garden."
NOTES: 1. Dharma: a) First Patriarch of Zen; b) alchemical supplement.
2. Bush: a) It was growing when Dharma was spouting; b) alchemical
source.
XXXVIII Holy Chao!
Go Slow said, "A five-colored Chao (1) went into the media (2). Everything
was covered (3) but the trick of the tale (4). Why not the whole tale (5)?"
NOTES: 1. Five-colored Chao: Discordio-Zen, spawned by Kerry Thornley, pro-
pagated by RA Wilson, and replicated by the masses via _Factsheet
Five_ (Blessed be the Buddha!); five-colored for their fascination
with fives.
2. Media: a) underground press; b) (crypto)conservative press.
3. Covered: a) reported; b) concealed.
4. Trick of the tale: a) the joke; b) the scam.
5. Whole tale: a) the straight dope; b) THE Conspiracy.
XXXIX "The Clouds Glow"
A monkey was talking about "The Clouds Glow" (1) or something like that, but
before he could finish his point, Um Uh asked, "Aren't those the words of
Chosen Shoesize?" "Indeed they are," answered the monkey. "You are wrrr!"
Um Uh retorted. Later on, Dread Heart (2) recalled the story and asked, "How
is it that the monkey was wrrr (3)?"
NOTES: 1. The Clouds Glow: a lovely image, best at twilight (Out of Sight,
Still Makes Light, Absolutely Inconceiveable Flashlight); the Cloud
of Unknowing.
2. Dread Heart: A monkey who had a coronary over the Gateful Dread.
3. How is it: The Joe Byden Experience, or why words (deeds, fame, etc.)
are not of any particular person; after all, all knowledge and ex-
periences are products of combinatorics on multiple actors in the
untitled play showing no credits.
XL The Mon
When Ease 0n was learning from Hockey Joe, Hockey Joe was looking for an Ex-
tra0rdinary 0ne to host the Mountainwaters of Mon (1). So he called the Main
Monkey and the rest of them and said that an Extra0rdinary 0ne will go to the
Mon. He then took a Paddy bottle (2) and placed it on the floor. "Don't call
this 'a Paddy bottle'. What is it?" The main monkey said, "You can't call it
'Jamestown' (3)." Then Hockey Joe asked Ease 0n. Ease 0n went over to the
bottle, opened it, and screaming, "Bacchan A! (4)" poured the contents into
the mouths of all the monkeys (all three of them (5)). Hockey Joe laughed as
the sauce rained mainly on the brain. "The main monkey is lost (6)." He sent
Ease 0n to the forest.
NOTES: 1. The Mon: a) Ultima Thule, a little further than "Almost Heaven";
b) Illumination; c) Really really stoned.
2. Paddy bottle: a) Contains forbidden sauce; b) Saucy dharma.
3. Jamestown: Don't even think of it.
4. Bacchan A!: PANic expletive.
5. All Three: Lotsa sauce to go around!
6. Lost: a) Didn't win the competition; b) Sauced.
XLI The Second Coming
Dharma sat wearing his Tunesman (1). The Second Coming (2), with nails (3) in
hand and foot, approached and said, "My soul is restless; please calm it (4)."
Dharma said, "Go now, I'm involved. I'll retrieve your soul later." Later on
Dharma went to the Second Coming and asked for the soul, but the S.`.C.`.
couldn't produce it: "I've vanished (5), and I can't get back!" Dharma then
reported, "Don't give up the struggle for your soul, but I've given it rest
(6)."
NOTES: 1. Tunesman: The pygodela is fully equipped.
2. Second Coming (S.`.C.`.): a) Jesus Christ Resurrected; b) Je-suis
Ya-huwwa Resurrected.
3. Nails?! Swords!
4. Restless/Calm: a) Two states; b) 0ne state.
5. Vanished: Peel those layers down to the Void that I AM.
6. Given rest: a) I could live here, and you could too; b) Do what thou
wilt - I have other things to do or not to do that is the question.
XLII Byanu
Once, when Munchies Three (1) was in the presence of the Extra0rdinary 0ne,
a most lusty Byanu (2) was dancing next to the Buddha. Munchies Three asked,
"How is it that such a wild & wonderful thing could be so close to your
Shamanic Void (3)?" The E.`.0.`. said, "Stop her dancing (4) and ask her
yourself." Try as he may, Munchies Three couldn't arrest her twistin' an'
whirlin'. But deep down in her celestial cells, a voice rose to her inner
mind, saying, "Time to gush (5)!" She then seized the E.`.0.`. and they
disappeared into the tent (6).
NOTES: 1. Munchies Three: a) snacks a lot; b) consumes trigrams.
2. Byanu: a) THE Goddess, aka Shakti, aka Ishtar; b) THE Goddess, aka
The Particular Co-incarnation of the Goddess and of the E.`.0.`..
3. Shamanic Void: The mainly spaced-out mode of the E.`.0.`..
4. Dancing: The active (generally solo) mode of Byanu.
5. Gush (rhyme with push): The passive (frequently duo) mode of Byanu.
6. Tent: a) Where the E.`.0.`. and Byanu meet; b) an actual tent.
XLIII "Crispness"
Shoes 0n held up his baggie (1) and said, "If you call this 'crispness' (2),
you lose it in the pocket (3); if you don't call it 'crispness', you fail to
recognize it (4). What do you call it?"
NOTES: 1. Baggie: a) alchemical pouch; b) dharma.
2. Crispness: a) alchemical supplement; b) sauce.
3. Lose in pocket: a) to d'fin it is not to find it; b) crispness w/o
bagness is easily lost in pocket.
4. Fail to recognize: a) (re)cognition requires definition; b) what
is that crackly sound?!
XLIV Sauce
Bad Show said to the monkeys, "If you have the sauce (1), I will ladle it to
you; if you don't have the sauce (2), I will withold it from you."
NOTES: 1. Have sauce will ladle: He who has ears let him hear.
2. No have sauce no say anything: Cast not your pearls before swine.
XLV Coselves
When-the-Sun said, "Past, Present, and Future (1) are but Coselves (2) of
an0ther. Who is this '0ther'(3)?
NOTES: 1. Past, Present, Future: Heutemorgengesternswelt, or the Whirlpool of
All Times of the Macro/MicroCosmos in the Eye of Atman.
2. Coselves: Simultaneous Multiple Co-incarnation, aka Multi-Ego Pan-
theistic Solipsism (Wilson); "I, I, I, I, I like that!"
3. 0ther: Um...
XLVI Birch Tree
Sexy So said, "How do you reach the vault (1) from the top of a birch tree
(2)?"
NOTES: 1. Vault: a) Heaven; b) Safe full of Goodies.
2. Birch Tree: a) Shamanic Jacob's Ladder; b) Head full of Goodies.
XLVII Three Obstacles
Toss Oats set up three obstacles (1) to passing the gate:
"What is this that is spread right before us?"
"Who is looking at our inquiring minds" and
"How shall we proceed, bound and gagged as we are?" (2)
NOTES: 1. Obstacles: If you're asking, it must be you don't know.
2. What/Who/How: Extended wordings of the Gatekeeper's Three Queries:
a) What is this? b) Who is looking? c) How to proceed?
XLVIII Nirvanirvaland
A monkey asked Camp Ho!, "It is said there is one way to Nirvanirvaland (1).
Which way is it?" Camp Ho! drew an 0REZ (2) and, pointing through it, said,
"Here." Later, the monkey asked Um Uh. Um Uh drew an Analog Trigram (3) and
said, "The Thunder God cracks his whip; stones jump in amazement. The Dragon
Cloud King licks the earth; heaving trees are uprooted."
NOTES: 1. Nirvanirvaland: a) Nirvana; b) Utopia; c) The Mon.
2. 0REZ: Tilded Z circumscribed by slashed 0.
3. Analog Trigram: Thunderclutch.
- end -