...and no one responds, did it happen? Oh, who cares... I can't
maintain a 'blog anymore, and this twitter shite is nonsense and I
haven't got a friend to complain to so here is where I spew even if it
be on a bi annual basis at best.

You see, I'm a fuck up cum born again mother (born again in the mother
sense, not the religious sense) who used to have some semblance of
belief in something higher than us and all that but no longer and on
and on and into the deep black void - i escaped one marriage but
somehow ended up in another with a miracle child who shouldn't have
been but was and I love her with all my heart but I am not enough for
her - she is already to brilliant at two and how shall we keep making
a go at it, there are no schools in this rural paradise that will
teach her and homeschooling is onlyh an option for the very rich or
very crazy and while I might meet the latter definition I haven't the
funds and I fear I havent' the brain.. she already knows too much,
perhaps a library card and a scooter will get her through her
formative years , or so I can hope.

let there never be any doubt that I love Her, just doubt that I am
necessary and thoughts that perhaps while she is young enough to
forget me maybe I should escape and prevent further depraving such a
perfect thing into something less than grand.

She is the light that makes the darkness tolerable, until I realize
who I am and how much baggage Imight accidentally confer upon her
small and innocent back, so willing to participate in all things grown
up and so desirous to please...

How can I be apparent as a parent? I don not belong at any group,
further disadvantaging my poor child for social interaction before she
is even old enough to screw it up on her own. I try and try  and the
"playdates" are like pullng teeth...

and I'm weary, and I'm wary, and maybe she doesn't needme afterall...

The inlaws would be grateful if I disappeared, and even the husband at
this point I suspect - my babyfat having not yet disappeared and a
sore spot for him and not so much as impossibility for me as an
apathy... whether fat slob or skinny ugly bitch, who gives a fuck?
I'll still be the same miscreant that should be left well enough alone
and should apologize to my beautiful, brilliant child for having a
mother who is born of idiocy.