the war for dummies...
art guerrilla
...but aren't they all...
hee hee hee
Our war aims - in general
AL Kennedy
Tuesday November 6, 2001
The Guardian
And now our daily news report from Washington - your other national capital.
Today, in our series of Clean Cut Americans - General Elmer Coyote, former
commander of Gamma Force:
So, General, how can you help the tiny minority who are feeling wobbly to
understand the sad necessity of our War Against Badness, as currently conducted
by our wise and restrained leaders?
Thank you kindly, I'd be glad. First off, I'd have to say that anyone who is,
as we put it in military circles, a real live normal human being will, by their
very God-given nature, accept that everything we're doing over in Afghanistan
and on the home front is absolutely for the best.
As you know, the United States, and your United Kingdom never interfere with
foreign powers, but once we are roused, we act. The way may be stony, still our
will is strong and our war aims are absolutely clear, although subject to the
secrecy which must inevitably arise in matters of virtuous defence.
You couldn't give us a teeny clue about them, though?
We seek not to overthrow the Taliban, but to overthrow the Taliban, which may
take a while, or not that long at all, if you compare it to Vietnam - not that
you ever, ever should - and after victory we will allow the Afghan people to
elect a new government, or we will allow them to elect the new government
provided, which will be based, or not based, around the Northern Alliance which
is either a really keen bunch of patriots, or a rabble of camel-jockey
terrorists slightly less well-equipped than the Taliban, and we will find Bin
Laden and we will kill him, or bring him to justice in another deadly way
resulting in his law-abiding and perfectly reasonable death when vengeance will
be ours, but not in a vengeful way.
And when this is all over, Afghanistan will be a happy land, full of merry,
hopping children - hopping, mind you, not because they are amputees, but
because they are living in an earthly paradise of recognisable banking and
investment systems. We are fighting to defend our way of life and don't you
forget it. Amen.
And could you expand a little on the qualities that make our way of life so
very, very good?
I had the honour to teach the current commander of the US forces when he was a
student at the College of Death Studies and he is a fine, warm man. I think of
him now, because often we would sit up nights and discuss what made our way of
life so precious. And it's, quite simply, this: cowards, terrorists, communists
and Muslims, they kill civilians on purpose, whereas we in the west kill
civilians as a sad necessity. We don't enjoy it.
Some lunatics and subversives would say that, either way, you still end up with
innocent casualties, mutilated babies and so forth.
That is war and war is hell. And if they're so innocent, what are they doing in
Afghanistan, anyway - the place is a shithole. And if, for example, a mother
knows we decapitated her daughter with the very best of intentions, really as a
kind of accident, it will surely make all the difference to her. And I know
your prime minister agrees. That's part of what makes the special relationship
so special.
Yes, what about that special relationship?
It's special. It's full of specialness and it's really a relationship.
Which means?
That Britain and the Britishers, above all others, understand that UK
politicians should be able to come stateside and pretend they have more
influence than a bucket of hog piss over the most powerful country in the
world.
And you also understand that, when all's said and done, we're going to do what
we damn well like, because our interests are the finest interests in the world,
but you can come along for the ride and peripheral dividends. And we could get
a little sickened by all this whining about grenades that look like bandage
rolls and "won't people get confused?" and "why keep bombing Red Cross
stations?"
And the rumours that all US infantrymen who enter Afghanistan carry a length of
pipe with instructions to connect and lay them in the direction of the Caspian?
Whatever this war is about, it is not about control of the vast Caspian sea oil
deposits. The United States has never had any interest in oil. President Bush
has never had any interest in oil. Neither the United States or the United
Kingdom have ever cynically exploited a conflict for their own commercial
advantage, or made a profit out of death.
So no worries there, then. Thanks.