WHO KILLED JFK TODAY?
Phineas
This is a comedy sketch that appeared on the show ALMOST
LIVE! which can be seen on Comedy Central. I thought
readers of this group would get a kick out of it.
[Cue music. Colorful graphic of question mark and the words
WHO KILLED JFK TODAY?
Announcer: It's time once again for America's hottest new
game show: WHO KILLED JFK TODAY? And now,
here's your host, Whip Winger...
Whip: Hello, and welcome to 'Who Killed JFK Today?', the
fun game show where your conspiracy theory can win
you fabulous prizes. And now, let's meet today's
assassination buffs...
[contestants are shown one by one during introductions]
Whip: Dave Daniels is a postal service worker from Muleen
Illinois who believes Kennedy was killed by a highly
trained group of CIA operatives posing as Clinique
counter girls, and that Jack Ruby was in fact an
eskimo.
Now say hello to Gloria Trimble, a dental hygenist
from Ames Iowa who believes Governor Connally killed
Kennedy because Kennedy because Kennedy kicking the
back of Connally's car seat.
And finally... our returning champion, Phil Austin, a
HAM radio enthusiast from Phoenix Arizona who
believes that Kennedy was killed by a tiger...
Alright, let's get started with our first question...
Dave: (ringing in) ...Uh, the FBI?
Whip: Uh, no, if you could just wait for the question, now,
How...
Gloria: (ringing in) ... Oh, uh, with Cubans?
Whip: Uh, if we could wait for the entire question,
please... How many...
Phil: (ringing in) Three. There were three assassins on
the grassy knoll
Whip: OK, people, please, could we wait for the entire
question?
Dave: I think you're covering up evidence.
Whip: Dave, I'm not covering up evidence, this is the
question, okay? And the first question is: How many
bullets were fired? 3? 7? Or, Why don't you ask
Nixon, he's got them all?
All: (ringing in) Nixon!
Whip: Very good! Very good all of you, now going on to
quesiton two... Immediately after the assassination,
if you had looked sout, that is south, you would have
seen who?
Dave: (ringing in) Uh, uh, Hoover, Jimmy Hoffa, and uh, oh
I know this one, I know this one
[Gloria rings in]
Whip: Okay, Gloria
Gloria: Hoover, Hoffa, Bigfoot, and Dick Clark.
Whip: Judges?
[Buzzer]
Whip: No, no, I'm sorry, you're very close, very close.
[Phil rings in]
Whip: Okay, Phil, give it a shot
Phil: Hoover, Hoffa, Bigfoot, Dick Clark, and Woody
Harrelson's dad.
Whip: Absolutely correct! Very good, Phil, very good!
That's very good, alright... question number 3: Who
stole Kennedy's brain?
[Gloria rings in]
Whip: Yes?
Gloria: Dan Quayle.
Whip: Absolutely right. Though it hasn't done much good..
alright, now, let's go to the big barrel of
assassins... I will now pick someone or something at
random and you tell me how they were involved with
the Kennedy shooting. The first one is for you Dave
and I have picked... 'The Mafia'.
Dave: Okay, uh, the mafia was mad because Kennedy exposed
the corruption of the teamster's union. Plus,
Kennedy was sleeping with Sam Giancana's girlfriend
and Kennedy called off the Bay of Pigs invasion so
the Mafia lost all their casinos in Cuba and they
wanted him to die.
Whip: Excellent, Dave, very good, excellent! Okay, Gloria,
I have picked... Right Wing Military Men
Gloria: Okay, uh, they were mad at him, they didn't want
him pulling out of Cuba and Vietnam, and they
thought he was soft on communism, so they wanted
him dead.
Whip: Very good, Gloria, very good, okay, and Phil, I have
picked Lizard People from Mercury.
Phil: The Lizard People didn't like Kennedy's hair.
Whip: Absolutely correct! Absolutely! You all did great
on the big barrel, so it's time to go to Beat the
Clock. Okay, in this, the object is to get your own
personal conspiracy theory out in under 10 seconds.
Alright, Dave, ready, set, go!
[Clock music]
Dave: (talking fast) Okay, uh, the FBI hired the CIA to
kill Castro, you see, but Castro found out and told
the Russians so they sent the KGB to England the
queen gave them the go ahead and said...
[Buzzer]
Whip: Oh! I'm sorry! Okay, Gloria--Get ready, set, go!
[Clock music]
Gloria: (talking fast) Okay, Lyndon Johnson was angry
because he knew Kennedy was going to dump him in
this next election so he called his friends at the
big oil companies and they paid off the government
to...
[Buzzer]
Whip: Oh! I'm sorry, Gloria, okay Phil, give it a shot!
Phil: A tiger got him.
[Bell]
Whip: Yes, Phil! Once, again! Absolutely amazing! Phil
once again has beaten the clock with that fascinating
tiger theory of his! That means, Phil, that you have
made it to the lightning round. Now, we're going to
show you some people, and you tell us if they're in
on the conspiracy or out. Are you ready?
[Phil nods]
Whip: Okay... here we go...
[Pictures of the items/people are shown as Whip counts them
off]
Whip: Jack Ruby.
Phil: In.
Whip: Yes! Earl Warren.
Phil: In.
Whip: Yes! Fidel Castro.
Phil: In.
Whip: Yes! Hannibal Lecter.
Phil: In.
Whip: Yes! Judge Clarence Thomas.
Phil: In.
Whip: Yes! Charlie's Angels.
Phil: In.
Whip: Yes! The 4800 year old guy they found frozen in the
ice.
Phil: (thinks) In.
Whip: Yes! Reese's peanut butter cups.
Phil: In.
Whip: Yes! Lee Harvey Oswald.
Phil: No.
Whip: That's right, he was just a patsy. Okay, Dave and
Gloria.
Phil: Yes.
Whip: Oh, Phil, you've just fingered your fellow
contestants as being in on the conspiracy! Judges?
[Bell]
Whip: They agree! They must be FBI plants, and that means,
Phil, you're champion again and you'll return for the
next episode of WHO KILLED JFK TODAY?
Announcer: WHO KILLED JFK TODAY? is an Oliver Stone
Production in association with Zapruder films...
Eric Titmas
--
Eric Titmas tit...@chdasic.sps.mot.com
President Clinton has decided it's a good idea to cut income
taxes ... in Japan. Earlier this month, he sent a letter to
Prime Minister Morihiro Hosakawa urging Japan deepen its pro-
posed income tax cut to $56 billion and delay consumption tax
increases for three years. Last week, Treasury Secretary Bentsen
made his own pitch for tax cuts in Tokyo: "I believe that cutting
the income tax, putting money into consumers' pockets where
they can buy products and, frankly raise their standard of
living (is appropriate)." Too bad the administrationcan't get
interested in giving Americans the same break.
Wall Street Journal 11/15/93
hor...@cnsvax.uwec.edu
comic relief on alt.conspiracy.jfk. Sometimes it is so dead serious here that
it's scary.
Thanks,
Jesse Horne
John McAdams
ph...@west.darkside.com (Phineas) writes:
ROFL!
This reminds me of the movie THIS IS SPINAL TAP which is a "parody" of
the Heavy Metal rock scene.
The problem with parodying the Heavy Metal rock scene is that it's
its own parody, so simply *reporting* it is sufficient to produce an
uproarious comedy.
In Dallas this past weekend, Jack White showed a picture of The
Umbrella Man. It's one I hadn't seen before (conspiratorialist
authors don't reprint it), and it clearly showed the features of Louis
Witt, the guy the HSCA took the testimony of.
White denied it was Witt. "Witt was just a red herring" he said.
At another point in his presentation, he showed a picture of Oswald,
and another picture of a fellow he thought looked just like Oswald,
and might be the "second Oswald." Of course, the "second Oswald"
didn't look a bit like Oswald.
Franz Kafka, please call home.
.John