Russian astrology humor

[Ilya Shambat]

Translated from Russian: What will the signs do if you tell them to go
to hell; What will signs do if they step on a rake.

SIGNS: WHAT THEY WILL DO WHEN YOU TELL THEM TO GO TO HELL

AQUARIUS. Aquarius goes to hell joyfully, singing along the way and
not looking back. To hell is to hell, so what.
PISCES. Pisces simply go. Shrugging the shoulders, if they have them,
and go. You would think - to hell. Worse things happen. At least I'm
not getting shot.
ARIES. Aries goes to hell like a real ram - silently and angrily, with
strong gait and with decidedly straight shoulders.
TAURUS. Taurus will ask in horror: "Really, to hell?" And will go
complaining that he was sent there. Yes, to hell. Imagine, eh? But in
the end he will go, sorrowfully nodding the head and muttering quietly
insulting words.
GEMINI. Geminis don't go to hell. They don't go at all. They remain
and gaze on the person sending them there with condemnation in their
eyes. In the end the person sending them there goes to hell himself.
CANCER. Cancerian will get upset and attempt to understand, really
have they been sent to hell? Are you sure? And maybe, still..? Aaah,
yes, I understand. And maybe it's not needed? But in the end like a
Taurus, he goes, but proudly.
LEO. Leo goes to hell... Was he sent there? Yes, he was sent there.
That means, he needs to fill the form. When he goes - he will send a
report that the request has been fulfilled.
VIRGO. Virgo will cry. Then she will cry still more. Then she will
cry. Then she will undecidedly move into the direction pointed,
stopping to cry along the way. She will get there late, but
definitely.
LIBRA. Libra will send the person who's sent them to hell and look at
him with interest. If the person hasn't left, Libra will attempt to
convince him to go together, because it's happier to go together.
SCORPIO. Scorpio won't even notice that he has been sent to hell. He
has different goals in life and your petty quarrels do not concern
him.
SAGITTARIUS. Sagittarius will take a long time to leave, looking
around and stopping to think along the way. And even when he goes, he
will periodically look behind and ask - and can I return? No? Well
then, fine, can't even ask...
CAPRICORN. Capricorn goes to hell fast and decisively, not turning
back and not mumbling. But then - ooh, he must later take revenge, be
certain of that. That's how the capricorns are.

SIGNS: WHAT WILL THEY DO IF THEY STEP ON A RAKE?

ARIES: having stepped on a rake, he will get into such a rage, that he
will break it, but in the process hit himself on the head with it 5
more times
TAURUS: he will step on a rake again and again, until it breaks
GEMINI: will decide where to go only after having stepped on all the
rakes
CANCER: only this will make them take a step forward
LEO: will tell everyone, how it is cool, and will advise everyone to
do the same
VIRGO: will step slowly and methodically. Certain, that, if stepping
is done in right way, everything will be fine.
LIBRA: will doubt for a very long time, and, having finally made their
decision, will step on the largest rake
SCORPIO: if he even notices that it happens, will not be likely to
think about it
SAGITTARIUS: it is necessary to try to take another chance and step on
the rake again
CAPRICORN: having stepped on the rake, will understand, that he
stepped on them, but it is unlikely that there is meaning in it
AQUARIUS: will stand only on the rake that he likes
PISCES: will blame himself for the rest of his life. The only
consolation - thanks to him, no one else will step on the rake.