10 Spectacularly Third-Rate Spider-Man Villains

[Ubiquitous]

By Robbie Boland

A hero is only as good as his nemesis. Where would Spider-Man be without
the Green Goblin, Batman without the Joker, or Superman without Lex? The
best supervillains test the hero, pushing them to their limit and
beyond. They answer the question, "What if?" Holding up a twisted
mirror, showing us the dark path the brave hero might have walked down,
if things had been but a fraction different. Of course, not every
villain can capture the imagination to the same extent as Doc Ock or
Venom. For every unforgettable supervillain there are five who you won't
remember in a month or two and, very occasionally, one that is so
disturbingly bad you couldn't erase him from your memory if you tried.
And you will try.

As one of the greatest superheroes of all time, there have been plenty
of lists about Spidey's best villains, and also his worst villains. But
what about those villains in the middle? The ones that sucked, but not
so badly they were even memorable? The ones with stupid powers, stupid
names, and even stupider backstories? The villains who Stan Lee clearly
thought up in about half a minute each, so he could get back to sniffing
blow off a jenga game made entirely of prostitutes? Here, Topless Robot
would like not so much to salute the most mediocre of these Spider-foes,
but just mention them. Because that's all they deserve, frankly.


10) Hammerhead

?Hammerhead was a hitman for the Maggia (the Marvel-approved version of
the Mafia) who gained "superpowers" when his skull was replaced with
metal after a brutal beating. This is like saying that someone who was
in a horrific accident and had most of their broken bones replaced with
metal is a kickass cyborg. To be clear: Hammerhead has no superhuman
abilities apart from the metal (later adamantium) in his skull, yet his
M.O. is head butting things, like walls. If you think this is a
"superpower", strap a pot on your head and charge at the nearest wall.
Go on, dare you. If there's a faster way to break your own neck, it
hasn't been invented yet.

9) Menace

?Brand New Day's (shudder) Menace proves that it is definitely possible
to have too much of a good thing. After a whole brace of Green Goblins,
several Hobgoblins, a Demogoblin, a Grey Goblin and a Proto-Goblin, you
really have to start wondering whether there's anybody left in the
Marvel Universe who hasn't wandered into a Goblin cache and shot up on
Goblin serum. Menace makes it on to the list as the worst of the Goblin
gang for clearly being a dude and then having a female secret identity
just to provide a "shocking" twist. Yawn.

8) Humbug

?Burned by budget cuts, insect-loving (almost definitely in the biblical
sense) entomology professor Buck Mitty created a suit that projected
sonic blasts of amplified insect noise so that he could rob banks to
finance his research. Surprisingly, what makes Humbug stand out from the
crowd isn't his lame origin; it's the incredibly, incredibly, lame way
Spidey got him to surrender: by threatening to kill a jar full of
cockroaches. Though to be fair, there is at least the possibility that
the roaches were his wife and kids.

7) Slyde

?Jalome Beacher discovered a frictionless, non-stick substance but was
fired anyway, presumably because his company was not interested in
making money. So Beacher took the next obvious step: making a suit out
of the stuff and robbing banks. Which makes way more sense than simply
selling it for millions and millions of dollars to another company. The
human non-stick frying pan's suit gave him the ability to skate along at
high speeds and have things slide right off, like Spidey's webbing, or
ladies. His only weaknesses: difficulty stopping, standing up after
falling down, and stairs. Oh, and bullets.

6) Overdrive

?Overdrive is another yawn-worthy villain from the "Brand New Day"
storyline. His ability to "pimp" out any ride means he can change its
colour, wheels, engine, and probably do other neat stuff like installing
LCD screens and PS3's in the back. Is there a dated reality show in this
ability? Yes. Is it a good, or cool, or even vaguely interesting power
for a Spidey supervillain? God no.

5) Kangaroo I

?Sometimes a person experiences an event so traumatic, it causes them to
become fixated on it, using it as motivation to shape body, mind and
soul into a weapon. Other times, a person just likes kangaroos too much.
Such was the case with Frank Oliver, whose marsupial fixation led him to
jump and box like a kangaroo through "practice, diet and determination".
Frank shared one other trait with his namesake - he had about as much
brains, and was turned to ashes when he attempted to steal a radioactive
isotope despite repeated warnings from the webhead.

4) Boomerang

?When you think of every weapon ever invented, the boomerang doesn't
exactly spring to mind as the most dangerous. It probably wouldn't even
be in your top 100. Certainly there are several types of Mongolian
battle spoons and a particularly malevolent strain of custard that would
edge it out. This didn't deter Australian immigrant-turned-baseball
player-turned-bribe-taker-turned-assassin-for-hire Fred Myers (in what
must be one of the most stunningly nonsensical character backstory's in
the history of everything) from choosing it as the inspiration for his
criminal persona. So, in between throwing boomerangs, he gets regularly
beaten up by Spidey and has jet boots because I HAVE NO IDEA.

3) Fly

?Shot by the police, Richard Deacon agreed to undergo an experiment that
would save his life and was imprinted with the genetic coding of a fly.
Not even a really exotic, venomous, barb-shooting one from the darkest
recesses of the Brazilian rainforest; just a totally normal, common
housefly. Seriously, out of every single insect that ever came into your
house, can you think of even one that is less intimidating? As well as
superhuman strength, speed and endurance, the Fly also had the power to
sit on your food, buzz around your head annoyingly, be attracted to poo
and die in your soup. Known weaknesses include: bug spray, fly swatters,
soup (see above).

2) Big Wheel

?Jackson Weele was a crooked businessman who, seeking revenge on Rocket
Racer... no, you know what? Screw it. It's not worth it. His "power" is
to ride a high-tech, armored unicycle. With arms. That can climb up
buildings. FOR SOME REASON. Big Wheel's dazzlingly short criminal career
came to an end when he drove himself into the Hudson River at the end of
his first "battle" with Spider-Man and was presumed (but unfortunately
wasn't) dead.

1) Typeface

?Gordon Thomas, a.k.a. Typeface is easily the worst supervillain to have
ever defeated Spider-Man (yes, he went on to become a horrible antihero
later, but that's another list entirely). What are his super powers, you
ask? He has none. He just throws a bunch of razor-sharp and explosive
giant letters at people. It's like he spent years researching the most
impractical, unwieldy, unintimidating, un-aerodynamic projectiles on
earth and then went with them anyway just for the hell of it. Aside from
that, Typeface is actually a pretty cool villain. Except for, you know,
his atrocious name, ridiculous costume and, well, everything. Thankfully
he died during the "Civil War" event, so he can't hurt us anymore.

--
"If Barack Obama isn't careful, he will become the Jimmy Carter of the
21st century."

[Jason Todd]

I'm amazed the Hypno-Hustler isn't on this list.

Even more amazing -- he'll be returning in Avenging Spider Man in a
few months

Jason