THE 501 BLUES: THE FINAL BATTLE FOR EARTH R.A.C. part 3
KOGUTT TODD BRADLEY
by SCAVENGER
The appearance of LETTER.MAN as well as the pending arival of the TIME
CRAPPER has left REBEL YELL quite bewildered (not unlike his normal state of
being).
Giving a piece of King Cake to TYPO LAD, so that he might get the sugar rush
needed to shake off Letter.Man's spell, Rebel Yell turns to a mysterious bush
,sitting rather conspicuously in the road.
"WHO DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU? THE TICK!?!" he, well, yelled. He then hurled his
Mardi Gras Beads Bolo (tm) at the bush. The bolo knocked the camoflaged dial
off of it's branch, and BUSH.WHACKED converted to a dazed DIAL "D" FOR DVANDOM.
"Now to deal with that other villian."
As if on cue(which we know it was), the Time Crapper stepped out from behind the
float. "Now you will die, Net.hero!"
Glarring at the evil foe, Rebel Yell said, "Get the hell out of here, you has
been. If you'd been following along you would've realized that you've been ret-
coned out of existince durring the 2 1/2 month gap. It probably happened during
BEIGE NOON. You were replaced by...well I don't know by whom, maybe CROSSOVER
QUEEN. The point is that you don't exist! Now, git!!!"
The Time Crapper thought about this and then said, "Oh, sorry." He then
shuffled on back to lim.bo.
"I don't belive he bought that," commented Rebel Yell.
MEANWHILE BACK AT HQ: MULTI-TASKING LAD is taking a break from locating a new
home for the LNH just in case they can't save R.A.C.(which they won't but shhh).
He's doing only one task for the half-hour. He's watching today's episode
of NET.MAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES.
BACK TO THE ROAD:
At this point, Dial "D" for Dvandom recovered and called out, "You, Southerner,
have been a bane to my existince for over two weeks now!"
To which Yell replied, "Oh, like you've been a bundle of joy to my life! You
think that you're the only one who can split? Watch as I become a legion onto
myself and squash you like a .bug!"
Another eerry glow surrounded Rebel Yell, from which appeared four figures:
The first was clad in a white jumpsuit, decorated with wierd designs, remenicent
of RORSHACH's(from WATCHMEN) mask. He had with him a portable Library.
"I am ALLUSION LAD, able to stick literary allusions into any storyline, whether
appropiate or not! I am ment for better things than mindless battle, thus I
shall allow my my essence to become one with the universe, thus allowing
allusions to prosper in the world. Thus, thus, thus." and thus Allusion Lad
dispersed into the air.
The next figure was dressed in a black jumpsuit, decorated with white writting.
"I am LIST LAD. I am the keeper of the Lists Extrordinaire. What do you want?
Rosters? Black Superheroes? Jewish Superheroes? The changes that LURKING LASS
/GIRL has been put through? I got 'em all! Unfortunately, I am much to busy to
participate in this:
1) Brawl
2) Altercation
3) Vicious fight to the death
4) Mindless Slugfest.
I have to go update ACTON LORD's listing in the Roster (you wouldn't belive how
much trouble a dial can cause, sheesh). BYE!" With that, List Lad, summoned
one of those handy LNH transmat beams and returned to the HQ.
The third figure stood heroicly, garbed in a blazing red jumpsuit, adorrned with
many wicked looking spikes.
"I AM PLOT KING!!! I AM DETERMINED TO SEE PLOT THREADS ONCE STARTED ARE CARRIED
OUT!!! THIS PLOT MESS RUNNING THROUGH THE WORLD IS MANGA MAN'S FAULT!!! I GO
NOW TO DEAL WITH THAT GREEN HAIR FIEND!!!"
And Plot King flew off, leaving the story to appear in RATTLE HIDE: PLOT KING vs
MANGA MAN the limited series ( featuring the first LNH->multi-group editions
READ them all!)
The final figure was, of course, Rebel Yell. "Well so much for that idea," he
said dejectedly.
"Pathetic fool, you didn't think you'd win, did you?" taunted D"D"D in a
devittoish way. "I will turn into your worst night mare and destroy you! Bwah-
hah-hah-ah...hah!"
Dial "D" for Dvandom began to dial "N-I-C-I-E-Z-A", the creature most capable
of causing Rebel Yell pain.
All seemd lost when Typo Lad (Remember him? He's been eating King Cake for the
past 80 lines or so.) used his powers to create creative typos. He caused
D"D"D to accidently dial "N-I-C-E-I-C-E", upon which he turned into a frozen
smiley face.
Taking advantage of this turn of events, Rebel Yell used Allusion Lad's library
to smash the frozen form. Turning to T-Lad he said, "Good Job! I don't why
everyone says your power's stupid."
"Thenx, i ....haty! Hoo saz mi pwers stoopid?"
As the Ice melts, a broken, but unexpected figure appeared.
"Hey, that's not Dial"D"forDvandom," exclaimed Rebel Yell, "That's Charlie
Risk, the Living Decoy!!!"
"Nuht enymoor." replied T-lad.
"Well, I always thought he was a dumb concept anyway. Let's go."
So once again, our intrepid heroes boarded the float and headed down the
seemingly never-ending road.
An hour later, they entered a tunnel. Surpprisingly, they discoverd a misty
river inside. As the pair continued through the tunnel, they came to a point
where the road crossed the river. This would have been fine, except that the
road was also blocked by a large raft, lying across it. Furthermore, on top of
the raft stood a figure clad in a black cloak.
"Now what!?!" BLACK MAN WITH (?)CLOAK(?) !?!" said Rebel Yell.
"NO fool," Replied the mysterious figure, whose left side of his face was hidden
by a mask. "Say goodbye to your world of light. You are now the prisoner of...
THE FAN.DOM OF THE ALT.RA!!!!!"
To Be Continued....
David VanDomelen
first guest has gone to lim.bo and the audience went all over the damn place!
Go to commercial? Okay, kids, we'll be right back as soon as we figure out how
to kill about 10 minutes."
* * * *
During the commercial, Time Crapper used his powers to retcon himself back
into existence and make his scheduled appearance, where Letter.Man talked to
him about the new 15-cover one-shot (no pages, just 15 covers stapled together)
with J'Mage comics, but this is all exposition. Back to the story, such as it
is.
* * * *
D"D"D chuckled in a not very evil but still not terribly benign manner.
"Good thing I thought to leave that dialed-up decoy there to distract those
heroes...I was swinging toward hero mode, and was in no mood for a Marvelesque
hero-on-hero fight." Sitting down, D"D"D used a lesser power of his dial to
dial up some Pizza Hut pizza, and began to scarf it up, hidden in a small grad
student office in a Major Midwestern University (yes, the same one Acton Lord
is hiding out in, but different building).
* * * *
Meanwhile, prolonged exposure to the energies of alt.cyberpunk.chatsubo
had once again mutated Sig Lad into Cybersig! Using the awesome and
scientifically impossible netrunning/matrixhacking techniques endemic to
cyberpunk stories, he netted over to the alt.config area and waited for
alt.comics.lnh to show up at OSU while spending the time trying to unmutate.
Dave Van Domelen, typing with one hand thanks to the Ninja Bush in wReam's
letter....
Cosmo Of The Cosmos
>had once again mutated Sig Lad into Cybersig! Using the awesome and
>scientifically impossible netrunning/matrixhacking techniques endemic to
>cyberpunk stories, he netted over to the alt.config area and waited for
>alt.comics.lnh to show up at OSU while spending the time trying to unmutate.
> Dave Van Domelen, typing with one hand thanks to the Ninja Bush in wReam's
>letter....
Somewhere else...
Y-Plex Burp was relaxing on a tropical island Somewhere Else (tm).
A waiter came walking over the sand dune carring a telephone on a silver
platter.
"For you, sir. A Mr. Thug I believe."
Y-Plex Burp arched an eyebrow and took the phone. "Thank you, good man.
Now get lost." Y-Plex picked up the phone, took a deep breath, and released
the hold button. "What do you want?"
"Hello, BOSS." The voice said in a sarcastic tone. "How's Someplace
Else (tm)? Must have cost a bundle to retire there. But then again, you
earned enough money off our backs to do it, didn't you."
"I don't need to explain myself to you, I'm a super villian. I do
what I want."
"You we're our hope! We thought you'd be the one to break these chains
and set us free! What do you do? Sell out, that's what."
"You can't fight the system! I just got smart, that's all."
"Bunny's dead."
The phone dropped from Y-plex's hand to the ground. His eyes watered.
He reached down and picked the phone back up. In a choking voice he replyed,
"How?"
"Oh you know the way it works. You got smart after all." Thug's
cutting sarcastic remark cut Y-plex to the bone. "You could have stopped it.
You didn't. She was caught up in the system, and you can't fight the system."
"You BASTARD! Why are you telling me this!?! I can't do anything about
it!"
"Your a supervillian, you can do anything you want."
"Damm you! Damm you for making me remember, I didn't want to do it
in the first place! I just wanted to get OUT! I'm not your savior, you picked
me!"
"Because you're the only one who can do it."
"I hate you."
"You have to do it. Do it for Bunny."
The line was silent. Then a cracked voice said,
"OK, you bastard. Get everything ready. Access the accounts, and
activate the sleeper agents. I'll do it, God damm it! I'll do it..." Then he
slammed the phone down and tossed it away. "...for Bunny."
-Me
Rude .sig under construction.