LNH: Beige Midnight #2: Imperium Hex Part II: 'The Dungeons of Freedom...!'

[Arthur Spitzer]

[Cover: Ripping Dancer, The RobGoblin, The Chuggernaut, Vector Sublime,
and Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit are bound to a dungeon wall in chains with
Irony Man looking at them with a bunch of keys dangling from his hand.
A dialogue balloon out of Irony Man's mouth says, 'Hah! Ripping Dancer!
It looks like your LNV failed! You're all defeated!!' Ripping Dancer
replies with her dialogue balloon, 'No, Irony Man. You haven't defeated
all of us. You still have to deal with -- THREAD BEAR!!' In big bold
letters at the bottom of the cover is, 'FINALLY! THREAD BEAR UNBOUND!!!!']

**** <<--BM-->> ****

The place -- Hex Luthor's Secret Prison.

The time --

B E I G E

M I D N I G H T

The number -- T W O

The Writers -- Arthur Spitzer and Saxon Brenton

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Two Freedom Chip Heroes were walking down the hallway when one of them
said, "So. You see him? Guy in a bear suit?"

The other one said, "Nah. Why we even chasing this clown? From what
I've heard he's like the lamest supervillain ever. Even the lamest
superheroes like So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story
Lad have no problem kicking his ass. This is a waste of time. My
gramma could probably beat him!"

"Hah! Yeah. Mine too. But Irony Man said we had to get this guy.
Guess that's what we have to do."

"Man, this bites."

"Yeah. Come on. Let's try this way."

The two Freedom Chip Heroes walked away from view.

And up above the ceiling in a ventilation shaft was the man that they
were looking for. A man in a bear suit. A man with a vest and belt
loaded with thread spools. A man called -- Thread Bear.

Lame, am I? Is that what the world thinks? I guess so. I guess that's
why I won the Lamest Villain in the Whole Looniverse Award eight years
in a row. I guess everyone thinks I'm lame. But they don't know one
thing. They don't know about the Rage.

The Rage inside me.

A Rage that has been building up since Kindergarten. When I got my
first beating. For being lame. And every year it's gotten bigger.

And now it's so damn big -- it's going to -- Blow.

Yes.

You thought bringing down The RobGoblin, The Chuggernaut, Vector
Sublime, Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit, and Ripping Dancer would be enough.
And maybe it would have. But you didn't count on my Rage. That was
your mistake.

And now it's almost too late. My Rage is almost ready to break free.
Nothing can stop it.

I almost feel sorry you. Because my Rage shows no mercy. No mercy at
all. And there's nowhere to hide from it. It is all consuming. All
engulfing. All Raging.

Pray to your Gods. Pray to them hard. For my Rage is coming.

It is coming!

I can't stop it!

It's Coming!

It's COMING!!!!

IT'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

Thread Bear let out an enormous growl that shook the whole shaft. The
Bear in him took over. His muscles rippled under his bear suit and he
grabbed the vent thingee with all of his strength. All of his Thread
Bear strength.

And he pulled. And he pulled.

And the vent thingee didn't move.

Damn, it's stuck tight.

Give it one more try.

He pulled again. And pulled again. And he then he heard a crack.

Oh God! MY back! My back!!! Oh, Bear Jesus!! Sweet Bear Jesus!! Oh,
God! I really hurt it! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Well, then. Maybe I should just stay here for a bit, thought Thread
Bear to himself.

Oh my back!

**** <<--BM-->> ****

IMPERIUM HEX PART II

'The Dungeons of Freedom...!'

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Several minutes before...

Irony Man's hands blasted irony at the ceiling. Before Ripping Dancer
and Thread Bear could do anything chained nets supercharged with irony
fell on them pinning them to the floor.

"Like that? Call them 'Freedom Chains'. My own personal invention.
Each chain link has the word 'Freedom' on it. Neat, huh." Irony Man
turned around so he could talk to his squad of Freedom Chip Heroes.
"Okay, people. I want you to spread out. Make sure to fight only your
specialized targets and avoid the rest. Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass?
Stay here and guard these two. I need to..." Before he could
continue with that thought he spotted a rapidly speeding red
metal-suited person flying straight towards him. Irony Man quickly
ducked and grabbed a hold of the person's metal leg and sped with them.
The rest of the Freedom Chip Heroes left to go find their specialized
targets.

Though the chains held Ripping Dancer tightly to the ground she could
still slightly move under it. Using what limited movements she did
possess she tried some floor break-dancing moves. The moves were enough
to tear a big hole in the net for her to escape. Freed from the net she
twirled some more dance moves to free Thread Bear.

"Thread Bear! Run! Warn the others! I'll deal with this -- umm --
hmm. What was your name again?"

A mopey looking girl wearing plain looking clothes hit the play button
on the boom box she was holding while Thread Bear ran off to catch up
with the others. Music started to play. "Name? Oh, it's not
important. Not really. It's just a name. A stupid name. Just like
everything else in life. Nothing's really important. Not really."

"That music you're playing -- it's -- what is it? It sounds so dark and
depressing -- it's... Oh god." Memories started to flood through
Ripping Dancer's brain. Horrible memories. Every stupid mistake she
had ever made. They were all coming back. "That music!" she said as
she collapsed to the ground.

"This music? Oh, it's just music. Music that no one can dance to. No
one. Not even you, Ripping Dancer. Not even you."

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Half the World Away...

Morning arrived, and Anal-Retentive-Archive Kid was paging through
information on his laptop while the others were gathering in the hanger
bay in preparation for departure. "Whatcha got here?" asked the
Net.Elementalist.

"I grabbed all the intel the Legion has access to on the Al-Qaeda
Amerika group."

"Er," went the Net.Elementalist, "You do remember that namechecking them
was just the pretence to get us where we need to go, don't you?"

Anal-Retentive Archive Kid gave him an arch look. "Yes, so? You do
realise we *will* end up having a run in with these jokers, don't you?"

"Now you're just being cynical."

"Pfftt. Irony Man's power is subtle, and more importantly it doesn't
need to be consciously activated. He sent us to the Middle-East to
fight Al-Qaeda Amerika, and regardless of whether or not he knows that's
where we wanted to go for our own reasons, he's effectively ensured
that's what we'll have to do along the way."

The other three had been listening to this. Now Fourth Wall Lass added,
"Actually, fighting villains is in our interest." The guys all looked
at her in surprise. She sighed and patiently explained what should have
been obvious. "If we're going to acquire a plot device to bring down
Luthor, we can't just waltz over and grab it. In narrative terms we
have to work through the whole Quest storyline setup in order to earn
the right in order to use it. Otherwise it'll blow up in our faces or
just plain not work or something."

The Net.Elementalist and Anal-Retentive Archive Kid traded glances.
During the Infinite Leadership Crisis Fourth-Wall Lass had boosted her
powers in an attempt to solve the mystery of the disappearing leaders.
However, a consequence of that was - moreso than ever before - she
tended to look on events as patterns of story and narrative causality.
Of course, the Looniverse was a fictional universe, so it *was* patterns
of story. The problem was that these days it seemed that Fourth Wall
Lass tended to treat it like it was *ONLY* patterns of story. That
could be a bit off-putting.

Still, it was a tactically useful viewpoint even if strategically it was
worryingly narrow. So the Net.Elementalist said, "I guess there'll be
other obstacles, then." Fourth Wall Lass nodded.

"Three is the classic pattern," agreed ARAK. "No, sorry; *a* classic
pattern. There are other significant numbers." He frowned. "Oh gods, I
hope it's not a hundred and eight."

"What?" asked Lenny.

"It's from Buddhism. It's the number of sins someone has to overcome in
their lifetime," ARAK said distractedly. He shook his head. "Not
important right now."

"So what have we got on our little friends in Al-Qaeda Amerika?" asked
Retcon Lad, pushing the discussion back on topic.

"Either surprisingly a lot or surprisingly little," ARAK said. "It
depends on whether you consider them to be a military style black ops
team which needs to rely on secrecy in order to maintain its operational
flexibility. Or whether they should be treated like a supervillain team
with distinct costumes and codenames and a habit of expositing their
origin stories."

"How about why a team like them, being originally assigned to cause
trouble in the Usenetted States, has been recalled to Afgha.net.stan?"
asked Retcon Lad.

"Possibly because the 'soft and decadent' coalition troops in
Afgha.net.stan were doing better than Bin Laden's boys had expected,"
mused ARAK. "That said, they are explicitly based on the way that
ubermensch agents provocateurs were deployed by Hitler in the various
four-colour versions of world war 2. Once they've been set loose they
should have as much mobility as any other high powered or well supplied
super team."

There was a rush of movement and suddenly another Legionnaire was
standing with them at the base of the flight.thingie. "Hi, I was hoping
I wouldn't be too late, You're the guys who are heading off to tackle
Al-Qaeda Amerika, aren't you?, I'm Twitter by the way," she said.

"Uh," went Retcon Lad in surprise. He looked at the others, who all
seemed as nonplussed as he was - except for Fourth Wall Lass, who just
shrugged and said, "Plot complication," as if that explained everything.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Back in America...

A rip of light cut through reality. Catalyst Lass slipped through it.
She looked around the room. The Oval Office. No one around. So far so
good. She walked over to the desk and took a tool out of her pocket.
It was a skeleton key designed by Contraption Man to unlock any lock.
She slid it through one of the desk drawer keyholes and she heard a
click. She opened the drawer.

She hadn't been quite sure of what to expect, but she prepared herself
for the worst. The most horrible and disturbing things she could
fathom. But of all the things she had ever imagined, she would have
never imagined what she saw in the drawer. It was beyond the scope of
imagination, these things she saw. She just looked at the drawer for a
minute or two. And then she reached into it.

Cans! And not just any cans. Cans of -- Mushrooms! A drawer filled
with nothing but small cans of mushrooms. She took a can out to inspect
it closer. They were cheap-generic brand mushrooms. Why did Hex Luthor
have a drawer full of cheap-generic brand mushrooms? You'd think he
could at least splurge for some expensive fancy mushrooms in glass jars.
But no. Just cans of cheap mushrooms. A drawer full of them. What
did Hex do with these mushrooms? Eat them for snacks? Weird.

Catalyst Lass decided to see what was in the rest of the drawers. She
opened the drawer below the mushroom drawer.

Let's see here. A pair of black socks. A spoon and can opener. Must
be for the mushrooms. And a CD. Wow! A WHAM! CD! 'If You Were
There... The Best of Wham!' Catalyst Lass looked through the list of
songs. Hmm -- where's 'Careless Whisper'? How can you have a Best of
Wham! compilation and not include their best song? It doesn't make
sense, thought Catalyst Lass shaking her head. She put the CD down and
thumbed through the rest of the drawers contents. A Magazine! With
pictures of naked women riding bicycles! Catalyst Lass studied the
magazine closely. 'Naked Bicycle Enthusiast Monthly' Hex, Hex, Hex,
thought Catalyst Lass smirking to herself. She thumbed through the
pages. Now those breasts are obviously fake. That looks rather
uncomfortable right there. Wait that face, she thought flipping to a
new page. That face. Didn't she go to high school with that girl?
Yes! Of course! That has to be Linda Lou! That has to be! Well. She
looks like she's in good shape.

"What the *Hell* are you doing!!?"

Catalyst Lass's heart briefly stopped and the magazine fell from her
hands. "Oh! Hex! Hi! You startled me!" she said turning around.

"What are you doing here?" Hex didn't look amused.

Catalyst Lass shook her head. "Now you've ruined the surprise! And it
was going to be a big surprise -- but now it's all ruined."

"Surprise?"

"Yes! For your birthday, silly! Now you've gone and ruined it. The
Ultimate Ninja sent me here to sneak into your office and get some
device. Some cosmicy device. He was going to have it all polished up
and wrapped for you as a gift at this big birthday bash we're having for
you. Hmm. I've got an idea! Why not give me this cosmicy thingee muh
jiggie and when you get to the party you can act surprised!"

"No. I don't think so. There isn't going to be any surprise birthday
party. And this device the Ultimate Ninja wants you to find is -- it's
not here. Whatever it is. Now. You are forbidden from ever entering
this room again. And you will tell me whatever plans the Ultimate Ninja
has, do you understand?"

Catalyst Lass nodded her head.

"Good. Now leave here."

Hex Luthor escorted Catalyst Lass out and slammed the Oval Office doors
shut. He walked over back to his desk and grabbed the 'Naked Bicycle
Enthusiast Monthly' magazine and shoved it back into the drawer. Hex
Luthor's face was filled with rage.

wReamicus Maximus! While Hex had expected that wReamicus and the rest
of the HexFire Club members would have eventually made a move against
him -- he just hadn't expected it this soon. But how did wReamicus find
out about the Cosmic Plot Device? The Device! He rushed over towards
the Abraham Lincoln painting and quickly took it off revealing the safe
where he kept the device.

Hex opened the safe and saw that the Cosmic Plot Device was still in
there. He would have to move it to a safer location. But where? He'd
have to think about it. Hopefully, it would be safe here tonight.

And wReamicus -- what was he going to do about him? Hire an assassin?
Maybe replace him with another Ultimate Ninja clone? Damn. This was
the last thing he needed. Too much was happening. He'd take care of
this tomorrow. He had a dinner meeting he needed to go to. He put the
Abraham Lincoln painting back in its place. Hopefully it would be safe
here at least for one night.

He buttoned his suit jacket up and made his way for the West Wing.

With the Oval Office empty a shadow next to the President's desk started
to move. It kind of looked like Catalyst Lass's shadow, but it slowly
shifted its shape and looked more like another person's shadow. The
shadow slipped its way beneath the Abraham Lincoln painting.

And outside the White House, Catalyst Lass held her watch next to her
mouth and spoke to the watch.

"Phase One: Complete."

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Back at the Secret Prison...

Man, this job sucks, thought the Chuggernaut to himself. Why did he
ever accept this stupid LNV gig? He should be at some bar picking up
chicks or watching baseball. He needed a beer. Yeah! He looked at his
mystical beer bottle that he used to summon his beer commercial powers.
He could drink from it, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't real. Just
a part of the Beer Commercial Zone. He needed a real beer from the real
world. Need to stop thinking about beer and do your job. Where was he
anyways? All these damn prison cell areas looked the same. Man, this
was stupid. Was he lost? Damn. Where the hell was everyone? He
should have stuck with the RobGoblin. Hell. This wasn't doing any
good. Maybe there was something in the Beer Commercial Zone that could
help him.

Just as he was about to slam his beer against the wall, he heard a voice
shouting to him.

"Stop! Villain!"

The Chuggernaut smiled. Some idiot wanted a fight? He'd oblige. He
turned around to see who he was about to beat to a pulp. And to his
amazement he saw a gigantic beer bottle about the size of a very tall
person standing in the hallway. The bottle had arms and legs like a human.

"This? Oh, this is rich! This is what they sent to stop me? You? A
walking beer bottle? Oh man! I must be dreaming! You know who I am?
DO You know who I AM? Well. Let me introduce myself. I'm the
Chuggernaut! Yeah! The Chuggernaut! And do you know what I do? Well,
hell -- Why don't I just show you?" He grabbed the walking beer bottle
by its neck and morphing one of his hands into a bottle opener he popped
the cap right off the bottle. And then he picked the entire bottle up
and turned it upside down. A frothy brew poured down right into the
Chuggernaut's mouth.

And then the expression on the Chuggernaut's face changed. A horrified
looked popped into his eyes. He threw the bottle away from himself and
collapsed to the floor. "No!" he said hacking and coughing, "No!
You're not -- you're not... Uhhhhgggg -- Poisoned. Poison me! You -- you!"

"No, not poison. I guess you didn't read my label. My name is The
Living Non-Alcoholic Beer! And really, I don't taste that bad, do I?
Honestly?"

The Chuggernaut didn't answer. Instead he reverted back to his
powerless human form of professional wino Paul Tremens totally
unconscious to the world around him.

"My girlfriend says I taste good. I mean, she wouldn't lie, would she?
Chuggernaut?"

**** <<--BM-->> ****

"Ready to eat floor -- DorkWad!!?"

A rather nerdy looking man that looked a bit like a Neal Adam's drawing
carrying around a book called 'Gray's Anatomy of the Human Body' turned
around to see what uncultured individual was speaking to him. It was
some kind of horrible anatomically incorrect abomination on a hovering
glider. Some beast with a long ponytail and a cyborg left eye holding a
very large gun with its right arm. "I dare say, sir -- How is it that
such tiny feet like yours are able to balance the massive bulk of your
body with its massive thighs and massive man breasts and massive gun --
it doesn't make sense -- and am I correct in saying that both of your
feet are left feet?"

"Feet?!!" The RobGoblin looked down. The RobGoblin had never really
liked looking at his feet and fortunately for the most part his feet
usually were hidden outside the confines of the panel. But he looked
down and there they were. His tiny ridiculous looking feet. How was he
able to maintain balance on this glider? And the moment he started
thinking about it he lost control over the glider and both crashed right
into the wall.

A look of Extreme Constipation flashed on the RobGoblin's face. "All
right, Geekboy!! You're going to pay for that!! Big Time!!!" The
RobGoblin quickly grabbed one of his Bludkins and prepared to throw it
at the nerdy guy with the book.

But before he could, the nerdy guy with the book spoke again. "How are
you going throw that at me if you have no elbow? And your arm doesn't
look like it should move anyway -- all the muscles are in the wrong
places. And your hand? How do you pick up stuff with that hand? It
doesn't look like it should work. In fact none of your body parts look
like they should actually move. Your neck. Your shoulders. Your legs.
How exactly have you existed for so long like this? You must have led
a really painful life."

The Bludkin that RobGoblin was holding exploded in his hand. The
RobGoblin tried to move his neck, but it wouldn't move. Nor would his
arm. Nothing would move. Not a single body part. The nerdy guy was
right. It didn't make sense. How had he existed like this?

"You see right here," said the nerdy guy as he flipped through his book,
"This is how the human body is supposed to appear. See? See the feet?
How the human body has a left foot and a right foot? You understand?
Oh btw -- My name is -- Anatomy Lesson Lad. If you want I can give
you the web address where you can buy this book."

The RobGoblin didn't say anything as he continued to strain to move his
body parts -- but they wouldn't move. If he had been capable of more
than one facial expression, he might have wept with anguish at that
point. But since he wasn't he did the one facial expression he was
capable of...

...Extreme Constipation.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Vector Sublime landed near a cell door. A music only she could hear was
coming from it. As she reached for the door handle, she hesitated.
What was behind this door? And why couldn't she resist it? But her
curiosity over came her caution and she pulled the handle. Behind the
door, she saw a man sitting on a waterbed. A man with shades, greased
hair, a leather jacket over a white T-shirt, and a stethoscope around
his neck.

"Who are you?" Vector Sublime asked.

"The Doctor. Doctor Virus Love. And I've got the cure, Baby. The cure
for what ails lonely little viruses like yourself. Right here," he said
slapping his bed with his right hand. Fingers on his left hand snapped
and candles lit up, the room darkened, and the jukebox in the corner of
the prison cell started playing Marvin Gaye's 'Let's Get It On'. "So
come on, Baby. No virus can resist Dr. Virus Love. No virus."

"Resist," Vector Sublime said as if the idea amused her. "And why would
any virus want to resist -- Doctor Virus Love?" She then jumped right
into Doctor Virus Love's arms and grabbed his head with her hand and
placed her lips against his as the two of them fell down on Dr. Virus
Love's big waterbed. Dr. Virus Love snapped his fingers again and the
prison door closed.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Irony Man dodged several energy blasts from the red metal suited person
he was still holding onto. The two crashed into one of the prison walls
and started to fight each other.

"Ah, been along time Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit. Which one are you? Boris,
Ivan...?"

"Nyet! Natasha, you Imperialist Gigolo!"

"Ah! Tasha! My favorite one! Well, hell -- why don't we just skip
this whole fight scene and get a bite to eat -- I know this great
Russian Restaurant in Net.ropolis -- it's along Bartels Boulevard. I
think you'll like it, Tasha."

"Nyet! I will not fall for the whole Capitalistic Dinner-And-A-Movie
ploy again!!" she said blasting more energy at Irony Man.

"Really? A shame. You must be desperate these days, Tasha -- working
for an evil capitalist like Mynabird. How the mighty have fallen.
What's he paying you? I could pay you more. Name your price."

"You filthy pig!! How dare you!! I do not work for Mynabird's money!!
He has promised me -- and those like me a return to greatness! When
we take over the world, we shall turn Russia and all of its former parts
back into the Soviet Union!! I'd like to see you make a better deal
Toony Stork!"

"I'll admit that Mynabird offers quite a bit. Not sure how he's going
to deliver all these promises he's been making though. But if it's the
old Soviet Empire you want -- I think I might have something you'll
love. Follow me." Irony Man blasted off the floor and rocketed through
the hallways.

"Wait! You coward!" said Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit as she tried to follow him.

Was this where he was headed, she thought to herself as she stopped in
one of the hallways? She looked around and saw an open door. She
walked into the dark prison cell and turned on the lights.

Irony Man was standing in the middle of a room draped with old Soviet
Union flags. Various portraits were hung on the walls depicting leaders
like Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, and Brezhnev.

"What is this place?" she said slightly shocked by it all.

"Like it? Wait till you check out the ceiling." Irony Man then shot
the ceiling with huge blasts of Irony as he slipped into a secret panel
along the wall. Ten tons of Karl Marx's book 'Das Kapital' fell down on
Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit burying her alive.

"We were prepared for you, Tasha. All of you. You lost this battle the
moment you stepped into this prison. You should have gone with
Dinner-And-A-Movie, Tasha. Oh well. Live and Learn."

Beginning of Part II

**** <<--BM-->> ****

"Dude. Need to get up."

The Robgoblin saw some bright shiny figure walking towards him. It was
some man that wore a baseball cap backwards, 501 blue style jeans, and a
shirt that said, 'Youngblood Lives!'

"You're the -- Rob!" said an astonished RobGoblin. "Am I dead?"

"No. Just got your ass kicked by some geek with a book."

"Can't move! None of my body parts work! I'm a monstrosity!"

"No, dude. You're kick ass. You're Kewl! Every Fanboy loves you!"

"My feet!"

"You know what your problem is? You're thinking! You need to stop
thinking! Be awesome!"

"I'm not sure I can -- be awesome? I have seen too much!"

"Because you're thinking! You can't be awesome and think at the same
time! It's just not possible! You know what would happen if I thought
about stuff? If I thought about everything people said about me? Like
for instance -- Your comics suck, Why don't you take art lessons, You
plagiarized this, You're late again, You're fired, Where are my
royalties, Your company is bankrupt, Why can't you draw feet, and a
bunch of other stupid stuff. You know what would happen if I thought
about all of that stuff? You know?"

"What?"

"I don't know. Because -- I don't think about it! I just scribble some
stuff on a page and hand it in -- and some how it becomes a Comic Book!
And people pay me money for that. Lots of money! So I can sit in a
mansion and be awesome. That's the secret to happiness. Stop Thinking
-- Be Awesome! It's that simple! And anyone can do it!"

"I'll try."

"No. There is no try. There is Be Awesome. Or Not Be Awesome. There
is no try. Clear your mind, RobGoblin. Clear it! Let only Awesomeness
be in your mind!"

Extreme Constipation overtook the RobGoblin's face as he cleared his
mind leaving only Awesomeness in it.

Six Splash pages showed the RobGoblin slowly get up from the floor and
finally in a big six-page centerfold spread showing the RobGoblin in all
of this glory (except for his feet) holding his BIGGUN TM up proudly
with a dialogue balloon out of his mouth that said simply, "I AM
AWESOME!!!!!!"

"Now go kick that book worm's ass," said The Rob as he slowly faded away
from our mortal realm.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

"Hey, DorkWad!! Catch!!"

Anatomy Lesson Lad turned around just in time to catch some object that
had been thrown at him. It was some kind of very crosshatched badly
drawn red sphere. One of RobGoblin's BludKins! Before he could throw
it back, it exploded. Anatomy Lesson Lad could feel his whole body
start to change. No! Not this, he thought as he looked at his whole
body swelling. Anatomy Lesson Lad collapsed to the ground. He tried to
move, but he couldn't. No one could move drawn like this. Humans
weren't meant to look like this!

And to fully articulate his terror, he tried in vain to perform
different horrified facial expressions. But he could only seem to do one...

...Extreme Constipation.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

"I guess it's pretty horrible the first time you hear the music. I mean
it wasn't that bad for me, but most of my life has been horrible so I
was pretty much used to it," said Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass as she
watched Ripping Dancer convulse on the floor.

"Cancer! Got Cancer! Going to die! Everything -- done -- Wrong! Why?
Why all this? Failure. Choices wrong. No. Going to lose. Failure.
Darkness. Cold. Nothing. Nothing. Going to lose," said Ripping
Dancer to herself as all the horrible memories she had ever had flooded
her brain.

"We all lose, Ripping Dancer. You know something funny? How I got my
powers? It was my parents. They put one of those Freedom Chips in my
head. Can't blame them though. Guess I deserved it. Was always
depressed. Hating life. Was into cutting myself. Trying to make the
pain go away. Tried all of those antidepressant drugs. Didn't work.
And I made two attempts to kill myself. Sadly both failed. I guess
after the second one my parents were desperate for anything. And so
they took me to a place that puts Freedom Chips into people. Had to
watch all these videos afterwards. Videos where Irony Man told me to
not do things. Don't cut myself. Don't kill myself. Don't do drugs.
Don't have premarital sex. That sort of thing. And it worked. After
watching those videos -- I didn't want to do those things. I just
wanted to obey the voice of Irony Man and do whatever he said."

"What -- what's funny...?"

"What's funny? I guess what's funny is that everyone knows what the
Freedom Chips do and they don't care. My parents and everyone else.
They know about Hex Luthor's secret prisons and chips that control
people and his raping of the Constitution and they don't care. They
just want to be safe and for their children to be safe. And if they
lose some rights -- oh well. I'm not quite sure what you and your
terrorist friends are trying to accomplish here, but it's not going to
work. The people don't want you to save them -- they want Hex Luthor to
save them. There is no hope, Ripping Dancer."

"No... Hope?"

"Nope. No Hope. No thread of hope. There are no heroes. Just corrupt
people and people hoping to be corrupted. The Freedom Chip is the
future, Ripping Dancer. There is no hope. Let go of it, Ripping
Dancer. You'll feel much better."

"Thread?"

Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass nodded her head. "Yes. No thread. No
thread of hope at all."

"No. See thread. Cold-Blackness -- a thread. Shiny thread of light.
Can see it. Yes. Thread. Thread Bear. There is -- Thread Bear," said
Ripping Dancer as she slowly started to get up.

"Thread Bear? What does that mean?" said Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass
puzzling over Ripping Dancer's bizarre words.

"Where there is Thread Bear -- there is hope." Ripping Dancer stood up.
"And I don't need to dance to defeat you," she said socking
Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass out cold with her fist.

Ripping Dancer then ejected the CD out of the Boom Box and smashed it
against the wall. She clicked on the radio part of the boom box and
turned the knob looking for some music. Music that she could dance to.
Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive' started to play. Ripping Dancer
cranked the volume to the highest level.

"I'm going rip this whole damn place apart," she said as she started
dancing down the hallway.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

The RobGoblin glided around the prison for a bit when he spotted Ripping
Dancer down one of the hallways.

"Hey, Dancer! Found that Bicycle DorkWad yet?"

"Oh hi! Haven't had any luck. Mostly been fighting those LNH'rs. Why
don't we take a break? That BIGGUN TM you're holding looks really heavy."

"Heavy? Nah! But if you want to take a break -- sure, we can do that."

"Why don't you just put that BIGGUN of yours down and sit right here
next to me?" Ripping Dancer said with a rather seductive look on her face.

What was going on here, thought the RobGoblin? Was she coming on to
him? This didn't make any sense. No! Stop thinking! Be Awesome! Be
Awesome! Yes!! I am Awesome!!

"Those muscles of yours are so big -- mind if I touch them?"

"Well, sure -- if you want to. I lift weights like every day."

"Amazing," she said as her hand slid along the RobGoblin's chest and up
towards his neck. As her hand got closer to his neck it started to
change shape.

"You know, now that I think about it -- you are rather ugly, aren't
you?" The hand grabbed the RobGoblin's neck and began to squeeze very
tightly. The RobGoblin tried to remove the hand from his throat, but it
was too strong. He looked to see who was attempting to choke him to
death and noticed that Ripping Dancer's face had changed. She was now
the Ultimate Savior.

The Ultimate Savior lifted the RobGoblin up in the air by his throat.
"Well. What am I going to do with you? I can kill you. I'm allowed
that much. But will I? Maybe. Maybe later. Have to deal with the
rest of your team. But I can't have you running around. So I'm going
to break your arms and legs." The Ultimate Savior smiled a sadistic
smile. "This is going to hurt."

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Ripping Dancer paused as she was opening another one of the prison
cells. Was that a screaming? Sounded a bit like the RobGoblin. Oh
well. She had to find Bicycle Repair Lad quickly before more LNH'rs
arrived. Empty.

Another empty cell. Maybe he wasn't even here in this prison. Just got
to keep trying.

Let's try -- this one, she thought opening another door. And inside the
cell was a man strapped to a bed. A TV in the upper corner wall was
playing a Hex Luthor speech.

"Bicycle Repair Lad? Is that you?"

"Who? Who's there?"

"It's me, Ripping Dancer. Well, I'm not sure if we actually met. I'm
LNH though. Well, was. Look. I'm here to break you out of here. But
there are some things I need to tell you first. You need to remember
this. First -- I'm your girlfriend. And second -- Easily-Discovered
Man Lite put you in this prison. If anyone asks you questions."

"What? What are you -- it was Hex Luthor that put me in here!"

"I know that. But if anyone asks -- it was Easily-Discovered Man Lite
who put you in here! Just trust me! And oh -- I'm working for the
Legion of Net.Villains now, but not really."

Bicycle Repair Lad blinked his eyes. "Are you raving mad?"

"No. Look. I can't explain all of this right now. Let's just get you
out of here!"

"Can't walk! Legs have atrophied!"

"Hmm. Wait. Let me think. Oh! There's a wheelchair over there --
let's use that!" Ripping Dancer dragged Bicycle Repair Lad out of his
bed and helped him onto the wheelchair.

As Ripping Dancer pushed Bicycle Repair Lad out of the room she spotted
Thread Bear coming down the hallway. "Thread Bear! Over here!"

Thread Bear started to walk towards them. "Found him, I see. That's good."

"Yeah. Have you seen the others? I could have sworn I heard RobGoblin
screaming."

Thread Bear shook his head. "No. RobGoblin's fine. Hmm. There's
something on your neck." Thread Bear's hand reached toward Ripping
Dancer's neck.

Ripping Dancer giggled slightly as Thread Bear's furry paw gloves
tickled her neck. And then Thread Bear's paw started to grip her throat
very tightly. "What -- What are you *urk*!!"

"No. Not Thread Bear after all." Thread Bear's face morphed into the
Ultimate Savior's face. A number of tentacles shot out of his arm and
wrapped themselves around Ripping Dancer to prevent her from making any
dance movements. "Not the Savior either. Had so many names and faces
over the years. Do you want to know my real one? Hmm. On second
thought, let's make it a game. How's that sound? I'm going to do
horrible and nasty things to you and if you can guess my real name --
I'll stop doing them to you. Sound like a fun game?"

Bicycle Repair Lad backed slightly way from the two of them and scanned
the hallway for some type of a weapon. Next to a fire extinguisher was
a fire ax. He quickly wheeled over there and broke the glass and got
the ax. And then holding the ax with one hand and wheeling himself
madly with the other he charged towards the Ultimate Savior and hacked
his back with the ax. "Die!!" Bicycle Repair Lad screamed.

The Ultimate Savior turned around with an amused expression to see who
was attacking him. With his free hand he removed the ax from his back
and chucked it aside. His leg morphed into more tentacles, which
grabbed Bicycle Repair Lad out of his chair and tossed him right across
the hallway. "No. No, Bicycle Repair Lad. You can watch. But you
can't participate." The Ultimate Savior turned back his attention to
Ripping Dancer who was still struggling for breath. "Now. Where were we?"

The Ultimate Savior softly stroked one of Ripping Dancer's cheeks.
"Your face is very pretty. But it's a lie, isn't it? Don't worry. I
like lies. If you're afraid I'm going to kill you, don't be. I'm not
allowed to do that. But that still leaves quite a few options. I guess
the part of you that isn't gasping for air is probably wondering what
horrible and nasty things I'm going to do to you, right? But don't
worry. All those horrible and nasty things you're imagining? I'm not
going to do those. I like to be original. I'm going to do horrible and
nasty things that no one has ever performed on the human body. Now,
let's see here. Where shall I begin?"

Before the Ultimate Savior could think about his first horrible and
nasty act, a huge exploding burst smacked him in the back throwing him
to the floor knocking Ripping Dancer out of his grip. He turned around
to see what had happened and standing behind him was Irony Man holding
RobGoblin's BIGGUN. Irony Man took another blast at the Ultimate
Savior's head and tossed the gun aside and started to beat the RobGoblin
repeatedly with his metal fists.

"Sorry, Ultimate Savior. Someone seems to be controlling my armor.
Can't help myself," he said as he punched and kicked the bewildered
Ultimate Savior. "Wow, this guy controlling my armor must really hate
you. Sorry."

Irony Man picked the Ultimate Savior's body that was starting to morph
into something that could hurt Irony Man and slammed him a few times
against the wall. Tentacles started to shoot out of the Ultimate
Savior's body. Irony Man's hands started to crackle with Irony Energy.
He focused his hands straight at the Ultimate Savior's head and
blasted with maximum energy. The Ultimate Savior's brain started to
liquefy. Unable to keep taking the punishment that Irony Man was giving
him the Ultimate Savior morphed into a quivering blob.

Ripping Dancer coughing to herself got quickly over to where Bicycle
Repair Lad was to help him back into his wheelchair. She turned around
and saw Irony Man standing behind her.

"Well, guess you two better go. This person who's controlling my armor
can't control it forever. So, better go."

"Umm -- right," Ripping Dancer said as she quickly moved Bicycle Repair
Lad towards an exit.

Irony Man looked at the two of them and said softly to himself with a
sadness in his eyes, "Good luck." He then turned around to check on the
Ultimate Savior's condition.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Ripping Dancer continued to cough as she pushed Bicycle Repair Lad's
wheelchair.

"You all right?" said Bicycle Repair Lad looking behind him.

"Yes. Just a bit winded." The two of them were outside the prison and
Ripping Dancer wondered where to go next. All of her team was still
inside. She had to get rid of Bicycle Repair Lad. And then a thought
occurred to her. She took one of the earrings off her ear and she
placed it on one of Bicycle Repair Lad's ears. "Hold still for a..."

"Owwwww!!!! What the bloody...?"

"Hush! It's a teleportation device that Dr. Stomper created. It will
take you to a safe spot. Just push the red button." She showed him the
one on her own ear.

"Okay. Could warn me next time though. That really hurt."

"Just push the button." And when Bicycle Repair Lad did he completely
disappeared.

She should go with him. To the safe place. Her mission was done here,
wasn't it? No it wasn't. She couldn't leave her team in that prison.
She couldn't leave Thread Bear. She had to free them all. She couldn't
keep betraying teams. No.

But how? She had to think this through. A thought popped into her head
as she walked along the road near the prison. As she was thinking it, a
truck slowed near her.

"Need a lift, Hot Mama?"

Who the hell was this jerk? She wasn't in the mood to deal -- wait!
This guy looked familiar! "Don't I know you? Yes! That's right!
Aren't you Color Error Man's Brother-In-Law?"

"The one and only," said Color Error Man's Brother-In-Law. "Do I know you?"

"We're both on the LNV. Look. I'm on an important mission. I need to
get to a liquor store. Can you help?"

"Sure thing, Sweetness. Got one in mind?"

"Whichever one's closest."

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Paul Tremens hands trembled as he lay on the bed in his prison cell.
Being sober sucked. Boy did it suck.

He placed both of his hands together and started to pray. God. Please.
I need a beer. Just one beer. I can't connect to the Zone. That
happy place that makes everything all right. I know we've had our
differences, God. But please. Just give me another chance. One more
beer. I'll become a priest. Honest. Just one more beer.

He waited a bit to see if a beer would magically appear in his hand.
But nothing.

Hell, this wasn't working.

Maybe he should try Satan.

How about it, Satan?

He noticed a crack start to appear on his prison cell door. The Door
was starting to shake. The door ripped right out of the cell and in
walked the Ripping Dancer holding a six-pack in her right hand.

"You know what time it is?" she said as she tossed him the six-pack of beer.

"Time? Hell, yeah. I know what Time it is!" Paul said popping the lids
off of all six cans. Thanks, Satan!

**** <<--BM-->> ****

"You let them escape. I should kill you," said the Ultimate Savior
glowering at Irony Man.

"Considering how badly I kicked your ass an hour ago -- I can't say I'm
too worried. You wouldn't want to kill me though. That would be bad
for the whole Hexfire Club. I've got videos and documents scattered
across the globe and people who will expose those videos and documents
if I should have some unforeseen accident. If I go the HexFire Club
goes with me. Hex knows this. No. Hex needs me more than he needs
you. You should remember that. And like I said, someone was
controlling my armor."

"This isn't over, Irony Man. And you'll still have to explain your
failure to President Luthor."

"Failure? Well, we've got three villains in lockup. I'm sure Hex will
understand. What is that sound?" Irony Man looked around the room and
towards the door. "Something outside? Dogs yapping. Small dogs?"
Irony Man went over to the door to investigate the noise.

As soon as he opened the door, hundreds of madly speeding Weiner
National Weiner Dogs swarmed the entire room racing up and down the
walls and ceiling. Irony Man and the Ultimate Savior tried in vain to
swat them down.

"Hell," Irony Man said shaking his head. "The Chuggernaut's free!"
This wasn't his day, Irony Man thought to himself.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

A Day Later...

"So," said Mynabird as he mulled over the group of Supervillains that
were in front of him, "What exactly did happen? Besides RobGoblin
having to where a full-body cast?"

"They were prepared for us," spoke up Thread Bear. "They knew we were
coming and had a team of heroes with powers that were specialized to
take us down. If it weren't for Ripping Dancer and Color Error Man's
Brother-In-Law, we'd still be there. There's a mole in the Legion of
Net.Villains. And he must have exposed our plan to the LNH."

"Or she," said Mynabird glaring at Ripping Dancer. "Quite a bit of
fortune for you to escape the prison when the others couldn't. Very
fortunate."

"She's not the mole, Mynabird," said Vector Sublime. "When I was
scanning through the Prison Computer System, I browsed through the phone
files and noticed some calls between the LNH and the LNV. The LNV calls
traced back to a cell phone. Rumor Monger's cell phone!"

"What? Moi?" said Rumor Monger with a shocked look on his face. "Why
would I possibly -- I mean -- look at her," he said pointing at Vector
Sublime. "Isn't it obvious she's the traitor -- isn't it... ummm." He
scanned the room for any visible signs of support and just saw a bunch
of angry faces. "Oh hell -- so long suckers!" He clicked a button on
his watch and flashed away from the room.

"Find him!" shouted Mynabird. "I want him! Now!"

"Chances are he's across the world or in another dimension by now," said
Vector Sublime.

"I don't care. He will pay for this treachery!" Mynabird slammed his
fist on his hand.

"We still have other issues to discuss," said Vector Sublime.

"Oh, very well. Did we gain anything from this debacle? Where's
Bicycle Repair Lad?"

"We couldn't find him," said Ripping Dancer as she spoke up. "It's
possible he wasn't even in that prison."

"Did we get anything?"

"Well, we did get a number of dangerous terrorists." Vector Sublime
pointed towards the corner of the room at a number of Arabic individuals
that were shouting, "Death to America! Death to Israel!"

"And of course this hunk of loving." Vector Sublime walked over and put
her arm around some guy in a leather jacket.

"And he is?"

"The Doctor. A Doctor of Virus Loving, Mr. M," said the leather
jacketed man. "But you can call me, Doctor Virus Love!"

"That's nice, but why should I care?"

"Cuz, I've got the cure for what ails this planet. You see, I don't
just love viruses -- I also make them! Any kind I want! And right here
in my pocket..." Dr. Virus Love pulled a little potion bottle out of
his pocket and held it up for everyone to see, "I've got the virus that
will change everything. Make us all Masters of the World."

"Really? That's a big promise. Why should I trust you? Why were you
at that prison?"

"I was a member of the LNH. Had one of those Freedom Chips in my head,
but my Baby here..." He gave a wink to Vector Sublime. "She freed from
its cage. And made me realize I was on the wrong side. Made me realize
that if I want to shape the world to the way it should be, I need to
work with you, Mr. M."

"What's he talking about?" Mynabird said looking at Vector Sublime.

"Oh, don't worry. He's not free. I reprogrammed the Freedom Chip to
make him my slave." Vector Sublime stroked Dr. Virus Love's hair with
her finger. "He just thinks he's free. But he's right, Mynabird.
You'll need his help. He has the virus that will make us Masters of the
World."

"But will it help me destroy Easily-Discovered Man Lite?" said a
skeptical Mynabird.

"Well, sure. That goes without saying, Mr. M." Dr. Virus Love gave
Mynabird a thumbs-up.

"Very, well. Tell me more. But let's talk in my private quarters,"
said Mynabird escorting Vector Sublime and Dr. Virus Love.

Beginning of Part III

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Back in the Middle East...

"Excuse me?" said Twitter in an aggrieved tone. "You're *not* going to
fight villains, So are you planning on 'creatively interpreting' Irony
Man's orders to take a holiday in the Middle-East?"

The atmosphere in the LNH flight.thingie as if flew eastwards over the
Med.bit.terranean Sea was rather tense. Retcon Lad and the
Net.Elementalist had both privately wondered how they would keep the new
Legionnaire from discovering the way they had reassigned the team's
priorities to do something other than what they'd been told to.
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid and Fourth Wall Lass must have been thinking
this as well, but thanks to their information gathering proclivities had
realized relatively quickly that Twitter's powers made it almost
impossible to keep a secret like that from her. ARAK had even tried to
tip off the others to this fact in the guise of a strategic overview of
what powers she had, so that they would all know what each others'
abilities were during a fight scene: In addition to the speed Twitter
gained from the Freedom Chip implanted in her, she also had low level
telepathic powers that caused her to absorb information almost
uncontrollably. Eventually she would suddenly 'just know' what the
others were up to.

"No. We are *not* taking a holiday," said ARAK. "Nor are we running
away from fighting villains." He put down the laptop which he'd been
using to examine intel reports on potential opponents that they might
encounter. "But we *are* going to deal with something more immediately
important that Al-Qaeda Amerika, and we only expect to run into that
group along the way."

"And what's so important then?"

Anal-Retentive Archive Kid looked at the others. Lenny, of course, was
piloting the flight.thingie - because although stuck in the shape of a
squirrel, this at least gave him the abilities of a flying squirrel.
The Net.Elementalist and Retcon Lad had been the pair who had hatched
the current scheme, and Fourth Wall Lass had enthusiastically supported
it. By rights it was the prerogative of one of those latter three to
explain - or carefully dissemble about - their plans. "Well, tell her,"
ARAK said bluntly. "She's going to find out sooner or later."

The Net.Elementalist shrugged. "Hexadecimal Luthor is really a
net.villain who's gotten hold of the Presidency, and is using the
current crisis with the Bryttle Brothers as a way of cementing his power
base." Which was absolutely true, if perhaps a trifle blunt. Twitter
stared at him with a look that was if anything even more intense and
disturbing than her usual intense and disturbing way of intently
concentrating on people. "Hey, I'm not an Ame.rec.an," said the
Net.Elementalist. "I don't suffer from the delusion that someone who
holds the U.S. Presidency is automatically worthy of the position."

"Dude, you're digging yourself in deeper," said Retcon Lad.

The Net.Elementalist gave him a mock glare. "I any case, we..."

"...the Bicycle Liberation Front..." chorused ARAK, Lenny, Fourth Wall
Lass and Retcon Lad.

"...are looking for a way to expose his plans to the world."

"*WHAT* plans?" demanded Twitter in exasperation.

Ah. Here was the part where personal circumstances started to
complicate the situation.

"The Freedom Chips that he's developed and been handing out to give
people superpowers can also act as a mind control devices. If he
chooses to activate that function," Retcon Lad said carefully. "He
wants an army of superhumans available to fight in Beige Midnight when
the Bryttle Brothers finally wake up, and he's been using the Freedom
Chips to create them, as well as using the Net.ahuman Responsibility Act
to get them and as many 'naturally occurring' ones as possible into the
Legion. And in the aftermath of Beige Midnight he'll have control of a
large proportion of the superhuman population to use as enforcers to
carry out his long term plans. You know that he's rescinded the 22nd
Amendment to allow him to serve more than two terms in office? Right,
well, that's it then. He's making ready to throw away the lives of as
many mind controlled pawns as he needs to win Beige Midnight, then
setting himself up for a permanent Presidency."

Twitter's eyes narrowed. "I've got a Freedom Chip, you know, It's the
only thing that lets me control my telepathy."

Retcon Lad nodded. "Yes, I know that."

"How do you know I won't tell them what you're up to?"

Retcon Lad sat forward and rested his chin on his steepled hands. "If
you mean: how do we know they won't get the information from doing a
random scan of your mind through the Freedom Chip? I've taken care of
that already. I retconned it so that since there are so many people
with Freedom Chips that the chances of them scanning your mind in the
time before Beige Midnight are too small to worry about. It simply
isn't going to happen by accident."

"And if you mean: how do we know you won't deliberately tell Irony Man
yourself," said Fourth Wall Lass. She gestured to the communication
controls up near where Lenny was piloting. "If you want to radio him
now, we won't stop you."

Twitter didn't look happy. She folded her arms and narrowed her eyes in
thought. "Trust building exercise," she said, stating the obvious. She
still tended to do that a lot, even now that she had her speed powers to
help process all the information she was receiving on a subconscious
level. It was simply that it got worse when she was agitated and her
control slipped a bit. And then she added, "And for all I know you've
retconned things so that I decide not to tell, That's another form of
mind control." There was an uncomfortable few seconds of silence. Then
she asked, "So how do you plan to prove what you claim President Luthor
is up to...?"

"Big menacing storm cloud to starboard," interrupted Lenny.

"Can we go around it?" asked Retcon Lad as he got up to have a look.

"Easily," said Lenny. "It's way off to the south and isn't moving in
our direction. What I mean is, do *we* want to go to *it*?"

The other LNHers could see what the squirrel-yabon meant now. Off to
the south, somewhere along the coast, was a single storm cloud thrashing
about in an otherwise clear sky. It was big and dark grey and
suspiciously humanoid in shape.

"It's angry," said Twitter with an expression mixing wonder and concern.
"Even this far away I can feel that it's angry."

"Self aware, huh?" said Anal-Retentive Archive Kid. "Is it angry
because it's ticked off in general, or because it's in pain, or
something else?"

She shook her head. "Don't know, Can't tell."

"Other aircraft are being warned away," said Lenny.

"Giant storm cloud on the rampage," said the Net.Elementalist. "Sounds
like a job for net.heroes."

"It does, doesn't it?" said Retcon Lad. "How far away is it?"

Fourth Wall Lass pages through the narrative captions. "It's in Port
Said, in Egypt."

"Only a hundred miles."

"Better take us in," said Anal-Retentive Archive Kid, who could tell
which way this was going. "You're not going to be happy until you've
investigated."

They flew in. As they approached Fourth Wall Lass and Twitter got a
better idea of what the storm cloud was.

"He's angry about his job?" Twitter said in surprise.

"Looks like it," confirmed FaWL, continuing to read narrative captions.
"Local accountant. Got passed over for an expected promotion. His
anger has spontaneously triggered his net.ahuman powers."

"Which is turning into a storm cloud," noted ARAK as he typed up a
description for the LNH files.

"Ideas?"

"Obviously we should start with the Net.Elementalist lagging him as a
stop gap measure while we try to think of a way of calming him down,"
said Fourth Wall Lass.

"A pity we don't have Limp-Asparagus Lad with us to use his drama
dampening powers," mused Retcon Lad.

Twitter suggested, "Maybe Net.Elementalist could lag his body so he
can't move but leave his head untouched, That way he might get bored
with not being able to do anything."

"That's just as likely to get him frustrated as it is to make him
bored," said Lenny.

"But it's not an impossible result, so I could retcon it so that that's
what happens," said Retcon Lad.

"Ahem," said the Net.Elementalist. "You're forgetting that lag doesn't
just physically slow down things. It can metaphorically affect their
perceptions too."

Retcon Lad snapped his fingers. "Of course, that town in Germa.net
where you fought Lagneto where it was still the 19th century."

The Net.Elementalist nodded. He was looking out the window, sizing up
the challenge. "The biggest problem will be the sheer area to be
covered. Oh, and multitasking so that I'm physically affecting him with
lag in one way while mentally affecting him in another."

"You need a power boost, Netty?" asked ARAK, who had gone to the
supplies cupboard and grabbed a plot device.

"Keep it ready in case things go pear shaped," said the
Net.Elementalist. "Lenny, how big an area is he covering?"

"Only a few miles, from the looks of it. It looks like he's kept a
basically human shape, which means he's tall rather than wide. And he's
keeping relatively small."

"Possibly so that he can see with his eyes the damage he's doing,"
theorised ARAK as he got back in his seat and strapped in. "I wonder if
that's a real limitation, or just psychological."

"Save it for later," said the Net.Elementalist. "Lenny, keep us
circling around him." Then he leaned against the wall on either side of
the window for support, stared out at the malevolent weather, and
summoned his power. His costume changed from black to white - the
symbolic colour of the element of net, which included the various
applications of lag that he intended to use.

The area of effect was indeed huge, and the energies involved were
enormous. A good thing he hadn't tried to use straight net.elemental
applications of net to cancel out the air currents or of thread to
control the water particles that made up the hail. He could probably
have overwhelmed the accountant-turned-storm, but the turmoil from the
conflict would probably have done more damage to Port Said. No, Fourth
Wall Lass's suggestion would do a lot less damage.

There was resistance, but he'd expected that. The Net.Elementalist
concentrated harder. The physical aspect of the fight was only
moderately hard: once the area was lagged then it was in stasis and just
a matter of maintaining. The mental affect, of slowing down someone's
rage while allowing the process of thinking to continue, was more
difficult. But it... was just... a matter of willpower. Minutes passed
before Fourth Wall Lass said, "I think you have him."

The elementalist nodded. "Okay. You keep an eye on his mental state.
I'm gonna switch from net to thread and try to compress the water of the
cloud down towards human size. Maybe he'll take the hint. Tell me if he
starts to get aggro again."

"Won't that leave the bad guy free of being calmed down by lag?" asked
Twitter.

The Net.Elementalist rolled his eyes. "Well, duh. But I'm *hoping*
that once he's calmed down he'll stay mellow, like with the expression
'had time to calm down'? He won't be hyped up with anger or soporific
from lag, but in a default state in the middle where he isn't under
outside influences."

"That reasoning might hold more water if he'd been artificially agitated
by something rather than merely being ticked off," Twitter pointed out,
not unreasonably. The Net.Elementalist glared at her.

Retcon Lad grinned and said, "Maybe I should retcon it so that it works
out the way you want."

"Thank you so much for offering," snarked the Net.Elementalist.

"Thank *you* so much for asking," Retcon Lad returned. He concentrated.
"Okay, it's done. Go for your life."

The Net.Elementalist did so. His costume turned blue as he swapped from
manipulating one element to another, and he began to visualise the way
the water particles were connected by lines of thread. Threads that
were slowly contracting, drawing the water particles together into an
ever closer and more compact configuration. It took a while to do -
almost as long as his first efforts with lag - and there was even more
sweat on the Net.Elementalist's face by the time he had finished. But
still, eventually it was done.

"Okay, you should be safe to cut it off there," FWLass said. The
Net.Elementalist sagged as he allowed his concentration to ease and release.

"Dude, job well done," said Retcon Lad as he helped the exhausted
net.hero to a seat. "Whatja think?"

"I think I was darned lucky that he hadn't given up human form and
spread himself out over a couple of dozen kilometres of city, that's
what I think," quipped the Net.Elementalist.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

In a cafe in America...

"Why are you still there?" The voice was from Fearless Leader disguised
as a trucker. He was talking to Tara Shreds (The Ripping Dancer's
secret identity) who was in her less attractive powerless persona. "The
Mission is over! You got the bike and now it's done! Finished! Over!"

"It's not over for me, Felix. I can still do some good. I can keep
getting info. I've been taking notes." She searched through her purse
and took out a small notebook. "Here."

Fearless Leader skimmed through the book and put it down. "This isn't
worth your life. Christ Tara. They're going to discover what you're
doing. And they're going to kill you. And God knows what they'll do to
you before they kill you. Is that what you want?"

"Life is Dangerous. When I joined the Legion I was risking my life. I
could die anywhere. I could die in this cafe. I mean really, Felix --
if you're so worried about me why did you let me do the mission in the
first place? Why?"

"Because I knew you needed something. A shot at redemption. And I had
faith in you. That you could get the bike. And you did. You got the
bike. You're redeemed, Tara. It's over. Come home. Please."

"Redeemed? It's not about that anymore. Look, Felix. I -- I have to
say something. And I -- I don't want to hurt you. You're a friend.
You're a great friend. When I was at my lowest -- you saved me. I will
never forget that. I hope we can always be friends. I hope. I hope.
But. Something -- something happened. It was on my mission. I -- I
fell in love with someone else."

"What? I -- uh -- You...?"

"I fell in Love, Felix. I'm sorry. I -- I can't be with -- with you
anymore. I'm -- I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"I -- I see. Who? Who is it?"

"I -- I don't think I should tell you. He's a good person, Felix."

"What? Why not? Is he a villain? Who, Tara? Tell me."

"Felix. Let's -- let's leave it at that. I'm in love. I'm in love
with him. I wish I hadn't fallen in love. But I did. I'm sorry.
You'll find someone else. You deserve better than me. You're
wonderful, Felix. Some wonderful girl will fall in love with you and
you with her. You'll get married. Have children. A house. And you'll
be -- you'll be..." Tara's eyes started to well up. She looked like
she was going to break down.

"Deserve? Deserve?" Felix looked down at his plate of untouched food.
"So it's over. Fine. If that's what you want -- fine. It's over."

"I'm -- I'm sorry. You -- You should probably have someone else come
to meet me next time for the next..."

"Don't worry. I'll pick some other member. And you can meet with them.
Tara. This is stupid. Quit this mission. Take your new boyfriend to
some place safe. It's not worth it. They're going to kill you!"

Tara shook her head. "You can't save everyone."

Fearless Leader sighed. "No. Guess not."

And afterwards the heroes looked everywhere in silence. At their
plates. At their drinks. At all of the people in the cafe who seemed
to be a whole lot happier. Everywhere. Except their eyes. They didn't
look at each other's eyes.

Finally, a waitress came to their table and broke the silence. "You
folks ready for dessert?"

**** <<--BM-->> ****

At a Net.ropolis Pizza Pitt...

At a private table in a private room sat an ex member of the Saviors of
the Net and a current member and leader of the team. The Gothic Gorilla
was the former. And the Ultimate Savior was the latter.

"Hmm. Didn't you used to hate peppers, Jesse?" said the Gothic Gorilla
studying the Ultimate Savior's face.

"Did I? Don't remember. Possibly. Lots of old memories I had are
gone. Death changes a person. Changes things about them. Their tastes
included." The Ultimate Savior put his piece of pizza down.

"Yes. I suppose so. It certainly has changed quite a bit about you,
hasn't it?"

"All except my desire to save the world." The Ultimate Savior smiled.
There was something very wrong about that smile. "That's why I need
you, Gothic Gorilla. Need you to be member of the Saviors again. Your
powers would be very useful in helping me save the world. You know that
I'm working with Hex Luthor. I don't like it, but -- but it's
necessary. Hex Luthor is the only one who can stop the Bryttle Brothers
from killing everyone. But once Beige Midnight is over there's going to
be a struggle for power. Hex has his powerbase. And I'm going to need
mine. I'm going to need you with me. And once we defeat Hex we can
change the world to the way it should be. Well? Will you return to the
Saviors?"

"Hmm. But wouldn't I have to put a Freedom Chip in my head? Like the
rest of your Saviors? Isn't that the way it goes now days?"

"The Saviors do have Freedom Chips in their head, but I have fixed it so
they won't control you. The chips in the Saviors heads are to fool Hex
into thinking he has control over the Saviors. Just fakes."

"That's interesting. But you know, Jesse. There's a flaw in your plan.
You see you're going to need great numbers of heroes to overcome Hex's
forces. Now here's what I'd do: first I'd make my own version of the
Freedom Chip, but this one would force people to obey my wishes not
Hex's. Then I'd make sure to destroy the Hex chips and replace them
with my own chips. Of course I'd also recruit people -- give them a
line about how they wouldn't have a 'working chip', but that would be
lie. I'd put one of my chips into them so I could control them." The
Gothic Gorilla smiled. "What do you think of that plan, Jesse? And now
that I think about it -- you know what'd be really great? What if I
weren't really the Gothic Gorilla, but a shapeshifter with some cute
little nom de guerre like -- hmm -- what's a good name? How about
Mister -- Nasty? Sound good? Well, I guess it's too bad you aren't a
shapeshifter, Jesse. Because that would really help your plan."

An angry look flashed on the Ultimate Saviors face. "Let's cut the
game, Ape. So you know who I am. And you know about my plan to switch
the Freedom Chips. So what are you going to do with this information?"

"I don't know. Maybe watch you squirm? What should I do with this
information?"

"I could kill you. Right here."

The Gothic Gorilla shook his head. "I really doubt that. See these
pins?" The Gothic Gorilla gestured to the variety of silver pins
scattered across his black trenchcoat. "They protect me from all
matters of harm. A nuclear bomb could blow up here and I'd still have
my good looks. Compared to my powers, Mr. Nasty, you're a gnat. Your
HexFire Club is through. Various associates of mine are as we speak
working to destroy everything your Master has built."

"He's not my Master!" A resentful look flashed on the Mr. Nasty's face.

"If you say so. Whatever he is -- he's going down. Perhaps if you help
us out -- Tell us all that you know -- you could lessen your upcoming
prison time."

"Prison Time?" laughed Mr. Nasty. "I thought you knew who I was.
Prisons are puddles for me to splash through on the way towards more
death and mayhem. Heh. And you're a fool if you stop Luthor. Stop him
before he's dealt with the Bryttles. But -- I doubt you can stop us.
No. If you could, you would've by now. No. The only thing I do know
is that you're on my list now, Ape. Yes, my list. A list filled with
people who thought they could stop me. And do you know what happened to
most of these people? These people on my list? Dead. They're dead.
Yes. Dead." Mr. Nasty got up from his chair and started to walk away.
"Keep one eye opened, Ape. We'll meet again."

**** <<--BM-->> ****

The White House...

"He's free! You let him escape!" Hex Luthor clenched both of his fists.

Irony Man in his Toony Stork guise shrugged his hands. "Couldn't be
helped, Hex. Someone was controlling my armor. Perhaps this new
version of the Melissa virus -- Vector Sublime? That her name?"

"So you say. And all the terrorists escaped too? And we lost one of
our Freedom Chip Heroes? Right?"

"Yes. Someone called -- Dr. Virus Love -- or something like that. Not
a big loss."

"And Bicycle Repair Lad is gone. Yes? Out there? Yes!?"

"He's just Bicycle Repair Lad, Hex. We have more important items to
deal with, Hex."

"No we don't! No!! Not with him out there! We need to find him! We
need to get him! He's out there! He's going to destroy everything!
Everything I've built! He always does. Every plan I've ever had.
Every scheme. Every...!" Hex Luthor grabbed a snow globe depicting
some man repairing a bicycle in red snow flakes off his desk and threw
it violently at one of the Oval Office's walls. The globe shattered and
bits of glass, water, red flakes, and a man repairing a bicycle landed
on the floor. "I should have killed him. I should have killed him!
And now it's too late. And he's out there! Out there!"

"You're losing it, Hex. Why are you so worried about him? Was his
crazy story true, Hex? Did you retcon reality?"

"The truth?" Hex laughed. "No. We're not going to go there. The truth
doesn't matter! Nothing matters, except him. Bicycle Repair Lad! Who
are you working for?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Who are you working for? Me? Manga Man? wReamicus Maximus? Mr.
Tiddles? Have you allied yourself with one of them? Is this all part
of a plot by you and the others to destroy me? Is it?"

"I've had enough of this." Toony Stork grabbed Hex by his shirt and
slammed him against the wall. "How does this all end, Hex? How does
this all end?"

"Toony... You're..."

"I was LNH! A hero! And now what am I? Some thug who takes orders
from supervillains? Is that who I am? And I'm looking at you -- and
you're the person that's going to save the world? If so -- that's very
funny. Very funny, Hex. You're going to save the world. Some madman
ranting about Bicycle Repair Lad. But maybe you're not. Maybe I was
wrong to pick sides with you? Maybe the best thing I could do right now
would be to kill you. Yes, kill you."

"Toony... Let's..."

Toony Stork took out a pen from his coat. "You see this pen? Has a
nuclear device in it. See when I do this?" Toony clicked the pen, "I
trigger a timing mechanism. In a couple of minutes it will blow killing
us and tons of other people. Is that how our story ends, Hex? Me
killing you and myself? I can hear voices, Hex. Voices telling me to
kill you. I think the voices are Dekay and Diskolor. I think they want
you to die Hex. And I think they want me to kill you. What do you
think about that Hex?"

"Toony -- you need to stop..."

"I wonder why they want me to kill you? Are they afraid of you? Do
they think that you'll stop them? I don't know. All I know is that
they're already affecting us. Affecting us all. All the heroes and
villains -- and everyone else. We're all starting to change and be
shaped by them. Everything is decaying. So. So I'm not going to kill
you. And maybe I'm making a mistake by doing that -- but, oh well."
Toony released his hand off of Hex's shirt and dropped the pen on the
floor. "You're going to forget about Bicycle Repair Lad and start
getting ready for our plan. You got that? You and me are going to save
the world. And nothing else is important. Nothing!"

"Toony! The pen... The pen!" Hex said as picked the pen up.

"It's just a pen, Hex. Getting a little paranoid, aren't you?" said
Toony as he exited the Oval Office.

**** <<--BM-->> ****

To be continued...

**** <<--BM-->> ****

Credits:

Ideas for Beige Midnight by Saxon Brenton, James Enright, Lalo Martins,
Martin Phipps, Rob Rogers, and Arthur Spitzer...

Dekay and Diskolor, The Bryttle Brothers created by Todd "Scavenger"
Kogutt, used with permission...

Hexadecimal Luthor created by Chris Hare and reinvented by Saxon Brenton...

HexFire Club

Manga Man - Craig Thomas Judd
Mr. Tiddles - Saxon Brenton
Mr. Nasty (Ultimate Savior) - Martin Phipps
wReamicus Maximus (Ultimate Ninja) - wReam
Irony Man - Doug Moran

LNH'rs

Catalyst Lass - Elisabeth Riba
HellCatalyst - Jeff McCoskey
Wikiboy - Tom Russell
Bicycle Repair Lad - Chris Hare
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen

The Bicycle Liberation Front - Saxon Brenton

Fourth Wall Lass - Saxon Brenton
Retcon Lad - Saxon Brenton
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid - Saxon Brenton
Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy - Jamas Enright
Lenny the squirrel - Saxon Brenton
Net.Elementalist - Jamas Enright
Twitter - Rob Rogers

Irony Man's Freedom Chip Hero Team -

Dr. Virus Love - Arthur Spitzer
Anatomy Lesson Lad - Arthur Spitzer
The Living Non-Alcoholic Beer - Arthur Spitzer
Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass - Arthur Spitzer

LNV'rs -

Legion of Net.Villains - Unknown
Mynabird (suit) - Rob Rogers
(mite) - Arthur Spitzer
Rumor Monger - wReam
Romantic Innuendo - wReam

Ripping Dancer's squad -

Ripping Dancer - Arthur Spitzer
Chuggernaut - Arthur Spitzer
RobGoblin - Tim Benninghoff
Thread Bear - Timothy Toner
Vector Sublime - Rob Rogers and Arthur Spitzer
Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit - Arthur Spitzer
Color-Error Man's Brother-In-Law - Arthur Spitzer

Others -

The Gothic Gorilla - Arthur Spitzer
Ultimate Savior - Arthur Spitzer
Al-Qaeda Amerika - Saxon Brenton

Arthur's Notes:

Two down... Ten to go...

Oh and just incase you're wondering, Beige Midnight takes place around
March and April 2008...

If you're confused about this story you can read these...

http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Infinite_Leadership_Crisis
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Countdown
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Midnight

(Probably won't help)...

You know it's kind of interesting that only two LNH characters based on
comic creators have ever achieved any kind of lasting popularity...

Kid Kirby who of course is based on Jack Kirby...

And the RobGoblin, based on Rob Liefeld...

I'm trying to think of other characters (well there have been characters
based on editors like Defacto and Harrass) and I think that the
Crossover Queen was based on Louise Simonson... (actually I guess all
three of those were writer-editor types) and let's see... oh yeah
Lobdell Lad... that's all I can think of... none of those though ever
really achieved the popularity of Kid Kirby and RobGoblin.

I suppose when you think cosmic... you think Kirby... so a cosmic
character that's called Kirby is a natural.

And when you think everything that's bad about comics I guess the first
name that comes to mind is Rob Liefeld. (And now that I think about it
I think that Mr. Homage's real identity was another Rob Liefeld
parody... guy just can't win.)

I suppose making fun of Liefeld is like shooting fish in a barrel, but I
kind of enjoyed righting those scenes...

What else should I talk about... oh here's what Mr. Nasty was doing
before he got involved in Beige Countdown/Midnight...

http://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/LNH/LNH.096-099.gz
http://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/LNH/LNH.100.gz

If you are interesting in more about the Saviors of the Net, here are
some links to stories.

http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Saviors_of_the_Net

And what else?

Oh yeah... Ripping Dancer and Irony Man go through some stuff here.

When's number #3 going to be out... considering I haven't actually
written a single word, I have no idea...

Arthur "Poor Thread Bear..." Spitzer