THE 501 BLUES: THE FINAL BATTLE FOR R.A.C. (part 2)
David VanDomelen
it was after midnight, so after kicking Dyzlexia for putting an H in his name,
he dialed up a brief breather for Our Heroes, in the form of
Letter.Man!!!!!!!!!!
Letter.Man stood there with a goofy grin on his face and said, "We've got
a lovely show for you tonight, everybody. Tonight we do our Viewer Email."
Letter.Man pulled out some blue cards and began to read from them.
"Letter number one. 'Dear Dave, what exactly *are* your net.powers?' and
it's signed Mark Friedman from Columbus Ohio. Well, Mark, I'm not sure. Paul,
do you know what my powers are?"
A wimpy looking person who, much like Lurking Lad had remained unnoticed
up til then said, "Could it be your ability to survive in even the most
inhospitable timeslot?"
"Could be..." muttered Letter.Man. "Hal, do you have a clue as to what my
powers are?"
A voice came out of nowhere and scared the cr*p out of Rebel Yell and Typo
Lad, saying "Well, Dave, I think it's the ability to take any group of people
and make them sit in front of the screen for an hour and come away thinking
they've been entertained."
"Does that answer your question, Mark? Okay, letter number two comes from
Hans Kartoffelkopf, secret agent and all around John Constantine ripoff. He
writes, 'Dave, I have heard of your problems with stalkers, those twisted
individuals who follow you like an unpaid phone bill and stick closer to you
than a bale of cactus needles after you've fallen in it, and I think you should
take more decisive action. Nothing deters one of those scum who for pleasure
think nothing of passing barbed wire through the nostrils of twenty Cub Scouts
and then stuffing them in a bus locker in Queens like taking a ball of blazing
tar and....' Sorry, Hans, but the rest of your demented film-noir-like letter
couldn't make it past the network censors. In any case, I've hired several
Net.Heroes to patrol my house, now that the destruction of r.a.c. will leave
them out of a job." Letter.Man tossed the card behind him and there was a
sound of breaking glass. He leaned conspiratorily toward the two LNHers and
said in a funny voice, "I've got a message for all you kids out there.... Hey
kids."
Letter.Man leaned back again and said (to no one Rebel Yell could see)
"How are we on time? Okay? Okay, now we'll do the Top Ten List from the Home
Office in Milwaukee Wisconsin <cheers emanted from all around>. Tonight's Top
Ten List is 'Top Ten Reasons Crossover Queen Is Incapable Of Conquering R.A.C.'
10: RAC dies Sept 30 anyway
9: She chose Quayle as her running mate
8: If Captain Continuity can't keep track of this mess, who can possibly
conquer it?
7: NBC already bought RAC and plans to show reruns of Dallas on it
6: No competent person would *want* to rule this place
5: The LNH will easily stop her (yeah, right)
4: All of her funds were tied up in Hawaiian beachfront property
3: Her army was vacationing in that beachfront property
2: *Everybody* knows that whenever a villain causes a crossover, that
villain is pounded into hamburger helper by the end of the crossover
And the number one reason Crossover Queen has shown herself incapable of
conquering RAC,
1: Two words: New Mutants!"
Applause thundered all about as Rebel Yell tried to figure out what was
going on here.
"We'll take a break for commercial, and then we'll have our first guest,
the Time Crapper! And we all know how painful that can be."
How would Rebel Yell escape before Time Crapper arrived and bored him to
death with plugs for his newest title? Already Typo Lad had that faxed slime
(fixed smile) of the Letter.Man studio audience, and Yell could feel his brain
going! D"D"D had left longago, and Sig Lad (who had permanently split from
D"D"forD) was *still* trapped on alt.cyberpunk.chatsubo. What would he do???
Dave Van Domelen, saw the "new" Blade Runner today, was disappointed by
"new ending", which was neither new nor an ending
This is F.U.N.
> Applause thundered all about as Rebel Yell tried to figure out what was
>going on here.
> "We'll take a break for commercial, and then we'll have our first guest,
>the Time Crapper! And we all know how painful that can be."
> How would Rebel Yell escape before Time Crapper arrived and bored him to
>death with plugs for his newest title? Already Typo Lad had that faxed slime
>(fixed smile) of the Letter.Man studio audience, and Yell could feel his brain
>going! D"D"D had left longago, and Sig Lad (who had permanently split from
>D"D"forD) was *still* trapped on alt.cyberpunk.chatsubo. What would he do???
(let's take a step back to find out how the Time Crapper got here)
Being taken away by Professor G and the Un-Manned G-Men, the Time
Crapper plans his escape because he has never been put in jail, ever. As
the crew of villians are being loaded onto the infamous G-Bird, the ultimate
flying machine until next issue, the Time Crapper notices the multi-colored
van starting to approach the huge group of super-powered personas. By the
time the Un-Manned G-Men notice it, it is too late. IceIceBaby is hit and
his wig is knocked off his head, making him flee in panic. The rest of the
team, noticing this, go after the van, while the villians spread out and
try to escape. Professor G, in his G-shaped wheelchair, is able to capture
some of the villians with throwing supeonas at them, but most are able to
escape. The Time Crapper, who went around the G-Bird to hide, uses his
power and disappears in a small flash(tm).
As his form becomes solid again, he realizes that he has somehow
ended up in a TV studio. Not sure why he is not back at his base, a small
weasle-type woman comes up to him.
"You're on next, Mr. Crapper", says the woman.
"Huh? I don't know what you are talking about."
In his confused state, the Time Crapper is easily pushed out on
stage, and the only thing he can think of doing is wave at the audience.
501 Blues will continue....
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"Groovy!" - Ash "Evil Dead II : Dead By Dawn" (1987)
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"Fans are interesting things. Rush fans just can't comprehend why the
rest of the world doesn't like Rush. REM fans consider the rest of the world
beneath their social level to notice. Kate Bush fans love the rest of the
world, and the world loves them, but spend long nights plotting to knife
one another." --Richard Darwin
Richard Darwin #33, "Gradenza"
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The KaTeFan(tm)