REPOST: CRY.SIG by Drizzt
Martin Phipps is still here
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
INTRODUCTION:
After the 2 1/2 Month Gap, business around the LNHQ was pretty
quiet. It seemed as though all the world's villains had been
disposed of after the Cosmic Plot-Device Caper and subsequent
adventures. Life for the LNH was pretty good.
However, little did the LNH know that horrible events were
transpiring. During the Cosmic Plot-Device Caper, Net.Earth's
timeline had been warped, causing it to eventually split into
multiple timelines. This stress and weakening of the continuum
caused rec.arts.comics reality to slowly decay, which in time
would lead to the dimension's rmgrouping.
Amidst the chaos, a new villainess named the Crossover Queen
and her apparent lackey, Royalty King, appeared. Her master plan
included a way to escape the destruction of r.a.c. - using her
secret power source to take over the "real" world writers of the
LNH!
However, the antiheroic Acton Lord (marking the first, last,
and only time Drizzt has used him) learned of this and alerted
the LNH (specifically the mysterious Continuity Champ) to her
plans. CC (well, actually Cliche Dude, but CC perfected it)
devised a plot to split up the LNH into two contingents: an "away
team" to invade Crossover Queen's domain of H'yyydde'uz, and a
"far away team" to contact the omnipotent Editors and persuade
them to save the Looniverse.
Also, Continuity Champ, noticing a hero named Captain
Continuity among the LNH's ranks, travelled back in time and
assumed the role of Background Boy, a hithertofore unnoticed
charter member of the LNH. He did this in order to avoid the
clause in the LNH charter which banned heroes with similar names
from simultaneous duty. However, he learned that Captain
Continuity was an alternate future version of himself. The
Captain had to leave the LNH, though, and mysteriously
disappeared.
The Time Crapper tapped into Acton Lord's transmission and
assembled a Super-Villain Army to storm H'yyydde'uz. The
Ultimate Ninja, an enigmatic figure, snuck into his base and was
teleported to H'yyydde'uz along with the Army.
And so began the Cry.Sig, saga to begin all sagas...
CHAPTER ONE:
With a flash of puse light, the "away team" of Legionnaires
arrived at their destination - the planet H'yyydde'uz.
"We have arrived," Continuity Champion intoned ominously.
"WE MUST SEEK OUT THE EVIL FIEND CROSSOVER QUEEN!" said (need I
identify him?) CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE.
"I know where she is and you don't! Nyah-nyah!" Adamant
Authority On Everything jeered.
Just then, All-Knowing-last-chance-whiner-Destiny-Woman
arrived. "But _I_ do! I know all her plans and we must face her
before it is too late. The doom of the world is upon us! We
cannot allow her mad scheme to succeed!"
Multi-Tasking Man and Myk-El stood silently by, while Super
Apathy Lad yawned.
"All right, now that we've identified everyone in the team for
the readers, we must put an end to Crossover Queen," Continuity
Champ said. "We have to hurry; we must strike before she
realizes we are here!"
"It is too late for that, fools!" a female voice boomed.
"Prepare to meet a fate worse than death - prepare to face your
worst nightmares - yourselves!"
A multidimensional portal opened up, dumping out nine
dopplegangers of the heroes! Of course, the LNHer's each decided
to take on their opposing number in the LND (Legion of Net
Dopplegangers), choosing to face a foe likely to match them
strength for strength and power for power.
Marvel Zombie Boy charged toward his evil foe. As he
approached, he failed to notice the large "i" on the
doppleganger's chest. Until, that is, the figure pulled off his
mask to reveal...
"No, no, not - TODD MCFARLANE!!!! That means..."
"Yes," the doppleganger said. "I am... Image Idiot!" With an
evil grin, he began running down Marvel for treating its creators
so badly. Marvel Zombie Boy collapsed, sobbing, in a heap (once
again).
Spelling Boy sneered. "You don't look so tough."
His clone fired back a ray of pure word energy, racking
Spelling
Boy with agony. "Ewe dome luke sew turf."
Too late, Spelling Boy realized he faced Homonym Boy. ^1
"HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!" CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE said.
" SSSSS TTTTTTT OOOOO PPPPPP !!! "
S S T O O P P !!! "
S T O O P P !!! "
SSSSS T O O PPPPPP !!! "
S T O O P !!! "
S S T O O P "
SSSSS T OOOOO P !!! "
"no..." the once CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE whispered, as his fiendish
foe, CAPTAIN MEGA-CAPS LAUGHED.
As the other heroes faced down their dopplegangers, Continuity
Champ hit upon a plan. He grabbed his opposing twin.
"What are you doing to meeeeeee........"
With a burp, Continuity Champ absorbed his evil clone, doing
unto
another before he was done to himself.
He now realized everything about this situation, including why
the dopplegangers and H'yyydde'uz in general were so ugly and
messy - they had been created by Crossover Queen's husband Walt.
Just then Ellipsis King arrived and the villains attacked...
* * * *
Meanwhile, Crossover Queen raged. "What are they doing here?!"
"I believe they got tired of waiting for the '501 Blues"
storyline, so they decided to find their own reason for the
destruction of the universe."
She glared at her toady. "Thusfar, I have been merciful! Now,
I find myself drawn to do something truly monstrous in order to
establish my reputation as a villain!"
Crossover Queen turned to the window. "So, as I did to Cypher,
as I did to Superman, so now shall I destroy..."
"Canada," she said with an evil grin. ^2
* * * *
And so, all of a sudden, Canada was nuked by a reality wave.
* * * *
The far-away team, taking a break from racking their brains
over how to get to the editors, were talking over why _they_ were
named the "far-away" team when they were the ones still on
Net.Earth.
Then, an idea hit Sig-File Man.
"OWWW!" he screamed, rubbing his head.
"Hey, I'm in charge of any hollering to be done around here!"
Rebel Yell, well - yelled.^3
Captain Clean-Up picked up the idea and was preparing to throw
it away, until Squid Boy noticed what it said. "Hey, guys, look
at this!"
"'Why don't...'" Lurking Lass said.
"'...we go see...'" Dr. Stomper added.
"'...the wacky master of magic...'" The Incredible Man with No
Life continued.
"'...Dr. Deranged?'" Trivia Master finished, joined by
Sing-Along Lass. ^4
"A good idea," Parking Karma Lad commented.
Background Boy nodded (not that anyone paid any attention). ^5
And so they set off, Sing-Along Lass happily piping, "We're off
to see the wizard..."
* * * *
They were greeted at the door by Dr. Deranged's servant Gong
and were quickly ushered in to see the doctor.
He waved Rebel Yell into silence as the leader began to talk.
"Yes, yes, I know what you want. Heroes, you're all the same.
You never write, you never call, not even a Christmas card -
until you need mystical expertise."
"Anyway, the beings you seek, the Editors, are truly powerful
beings, blessed with near limitless powers. On rare occasion,
one may come down from his or her five-dimensional position to
become one- or two-dimensional, like the rest of us. There are
even legends that, in the near future, one Editor's works caused
him to be cast out from the hierarchy; his name, incidentally,
was Harras the Horrendous."
The Dr. fixed the heroes with a stare. "The way you travel to
seek the Editors will be dangerous, fraught with peril. They can
now be found in alt.fan.dan-quayle, one of the most dangerous
areas in all the netverse for sane beings. You will be
confronted with Bush-bashers, liberals, socialists, and worst of
all..."
"The media!"
The LNH cringed at the feared m-word, but decided the rewards
were worth the risks, considering they were scheduled to be axed
soon anyway.
"Very well," the Dr. said.
"By the Many Moonies of Madripoor, by Wolverine's Much Hair, I
invoke the power of Starlin to carry the LNH there!" he shouted,
pointing at alt.fan.dan.quayle on a schematic.
As the heroes wavered and vanished, Dr. Deranged thought he
heard someone say "Liberals and reporters and Quayle-bashers - oh
my!" ^6
FOOTNOTES
^1 - Yes, I know they aren't perfect homonyms; sue me.
^2 - Sorry about this, but Drizzt's fiancee who broke up with him
for another guy four days before she was scheduled to move
down here was from Canada and is in Canada, so it seemed
the most logical target.
^3 - Almost a rhyme!
^4 - Both are new characters retconned into existence; they've
always been there, you just never noticed them.
^5 - Background Boy? Wasn't he...? Hmmmm....
^6 - Sing Along Lass based on my good friend Carina Paschall
CHAPTER TWO:
Continuity Champion was faced with a choice: he could leave
behind his teammates to face certain doom (well, at least as
certain as it gets in comics) and face Crossover Queen, or he
could forget the impending destruction of the universe and help
his allies. Being the generally practical kind of guy he was, he
went after Crossover Queen.
Myk-El suddenly manifested powers and destroyed his evil twin.
"Hmm," he thought, "at last I begin to show the powers that the
Qwertian race to which I belong usually possess when off-planet."
He turned just as Ellipsis King arrived, firing streams of
"..."'s at the dopplegangers, destroying them all. However, the
Ultimate Ninja, at long last spying his arch-foe, sprang from his
place of concealment, drawing out several Ginsu blades.
* * * *
The Time Crapper, using his Acme Invisibility Belt (tm), stood
to one side, surveying the carnage. So, he thought, the LNH is
occupied for the moment. I shall take advantage of this to
blindside the Crossover Queen and gain control of her secret
power source.
And, so, he set off down the hall, following the signs which
said, "To Crossover Queen's Secret Power Source/Warning: Do Not
Enter!"
* * * *
The far away team finally figured out why they were called the
far away team when they materialized in alt.fan.dan.quayle.
"This is far away from what we laughingly call reality," Cliche
Dude astutely noted.
Squid Boy queried, "What does that mean?"
"Don't know. Just read it enough times for it to be a cliche."
Rebel Yell surveyed the bleak landscape. Above, he saw
vultures circling. "Lawyers," he muttered.
Sig-File Man asked, "What do we do now, fearless leader? How
do we find these Editors?"
Yell thought for a second. "PK Kid, could your mutant ability
to find parking spots be used to locate the Editors?"
"Sorry, boss, parking spots only."
"Hmmmm. Trivia King, do you have some bit of previously
useless knowledge which might assist us?"
"Nope, my cosmic awareness tend to be kind of limited when it
comes to matters outside r.a.c."
Just then, a pulse of light made the team aware a new figure
had arrived. He stood tall, with a heavily-built frame and
several obvious weapons of destruction at his side and in his
hands.
"Who are you?" Bad-Timing Boy asked, drawing the new arrival's
attention to him.
Drawing a neutron pistol, the stranger said, "You can call me
Pointless Death Man!" With that ominous announcement, he
disintegrated BTB. The wretch's poor timing had at last done him
in.
The heroes stared in horror and amazement for all of three
seconds, during which time the villain vaporized California Kid,
Captain Cleanup, Catalyst Lass, Cheesecake-Eater Lad, Figment
Lad, and Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad.
"Run away! Run away!" Cliche Dude suggested, turning tail.
The heroes scattered, but not before Pointless Death Man offed
Inacoustic Kid, Late-Nite Lad, Lurker Lad, and Obscure Trivia
Lad.
Behind a pile of Quayle bashing-notes Rebel Yell, Cliche Dude,
and Trivia King crouched.
"This guy just killed more Legionnaires in the last 30 seconds
than we've lost in all our history."
"He's the best at what he does," Cliche Dude pointed out.
Ignoring him, Yell turned to his other companion. "What do we
know about him?"
Trivia King's look was one of pure terror. "He is an elemental
death machine who finds joy only in killing. He appeared in
issues of GI Joe, where he killed several Joes, and the Uncanny
X-Men, where he wiped out the Hellions."
"We're in trouble."
* * * *
Background Boy had (what else) faded into the background, when
suddenly GreenRingWraith appeared.
BB quickly acted and jerked the Ring of RetConn from the
wraith's nose. "No!" he screamed. "I'll be dada-ized!"
"Worse than that," the hero noted, "You're about to be
doo-doo-ized." And he used the ring to turn him into a pile
of... well, you know.
* * * *
Pointless Death Man quickly extinguished Organic Lass, Pompous
Lad, Sardonic Boy (everyone cheered; he really had gotten to be a
pain), and then turned on Sig.File Man.
"No, you can't do this!!!"
"Sure I can," PD Man grinned. "This story isn't canon. And
speaking of cannon..." He drew out a plasma invertor cannon and
blew Sig.File Man away.
Squid Boy was next. PD Man tried to off the Incredible Man
With No Life, but he learned "you cannot kill that which does not
live", as Cliche Dude would say.
Suddenly, Rebel Yell had an idea. Using his patented powers of
vocalization, he yelled, "Oh, no! I hope Pointless Death Man
doesn't learn the most powerful members of our team are on
H'yyydde'uz! If he knew that, he might try to kill them!"
Pointless Death Man roared. "So, you have a secret! I'll deal
with them, then I'll be back for you!" And he disappeared. INTERLUDE (By
Drizzt):
The Ultimate Ninja's sword dived at Ellipsis King. He ducked
its wicked arc and swiftly used his powers to create a sword and
shield of his own:
........... .
. . . .
. ... . . .
. . . .
. . . .
. . .......
. . :::
. . :::
He parried the ninja's blow with his sword and countered with a
swipe of his own. The Ultimate Ninja danced backward, just
slightly out of the sword's reach. Ellipsis King was back on him
in a flash, wailing away with his weapon and intercepting all
UN's counters with his shield.
The Ultimate Ninja was hard-pressed to parry each of the flurry
of blows that came at him. Time and again, his foe's sword came
within a fraction of an inch of effecting his death. He knew
this was a battle he could not win. However, ninja were known
for their changing of the rules of combat. Extending a single
finger, he touched Ellipsis King on the forehead. His foe paused
for a second, confused.
"That was the Arishikage Death Touch," Ultimate Ninja
explained. "You should be feeling its effects right about..." he
glanced down at his watch, "now."
Ellipsis King's eyes grew large. The clang of metal on rock
rang out as his sword and shield clattered to the ground.
"Curse... you," he said as his face contorted in pain. He
toppled to the ground, writhing in agony. "If I... am to die...
then... I will take you with... with me..."
"..."'s flew from his prone form in all directions. Taken by
surprise, the Ninja was hit in the shoulder by a burst, spinning
him about. Others pelted his body, inflicting serious damage
upon him. At last, the assault ended. Using his hand to staunch
the flow of his lifeblood, the ninja looked down at Ellipsis
King, then pitched forward, joining his foe on the floor.
Ellipsis King's eyes slowly closed, but on his face was a
smile. CHAPTER THREE:
With a glimmer of light, a cloud of dust, and a hearty "hi ho,
Silver", Pointless Death Man flashed into existence on the field
of battle on H'yyydde'uz.
Adamant Authority on Everything (deciding discretion was the
better part of valor - not to be confused with Valor, who isn't
discreet in the least) was effecting his escape from the
super-villain assault squad, bumped into him.
"What do you think you're doing in my way, you sorry-"
A quick zap from PD Man's cosmic ray gun ended his diatribe
(not that I have the slightest idea what that is -jdb) forever.
Reacting quickly, Myk-El laid out PD Man with a single punch.
Super Apathy Lad then put him in stasis using the Long-Lasting
Lethargy of Lobdell.
"A good thing Rebel Yell warned us over our new cosmic
walkie-talkies, isn't it, Spelling Boy?" Myk-El asked. "We only
lost Adamant, and he was a pain in the tail anyway."
Spelling Boy did not reply for a moment. Then he spoke, "I
suddenly feel like revealing a hithertofore only hinted at
subplot. This story is getting stale." He ripped off his mask
to reveal...
* * * *
As Multi-Tasking Man single-handedly (having lost one hand in
an unfortunate accident earlier) took on the Time-Crapper's
Supervillain Army (tm) led by Table,
All-Knowing-Last-Chance-Whiner-Destiny-Woman suddenly
dematerialized (she secured the role of Void in WildCATS).
An unseen figure surveyed the battle scene. CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE
was sobbing in one corner, while the prone forms of Ellipsis King
and Ultimate Ninja lay nearby. Marvel Zombie Boy was in pieces
on the ground, trying to pull himself together once again.
The newcomer rushed to his side and used his Porta-Medi-Lab to
aid Marvel Zombie Boy. The Zombie gazed up through glassy,
tear-stained eyes. "It's all a lie, isn't it? I've been
following Marvel for nothing. They're just another moneygrubbing
corporation. My faith is no more...." He passed out from the
strain of the confession, his body beginning to glow.
Contraption Man (the new guy) looked on with mounting concern.
It was MZB's faith in Marvel that granted him such powers. If
that faith failed and could not be replaced, Marvel Zombie Boy
would die.
* * * *
In alt.fan.dan-quayle, the far-away team finished the memorial
service for the 16 fallen heroes.
Cliche Dude turned away. "It's all so senseless."
Dr. Stomper gently said, "This is comics. Life here is allowed
to be. Come to think of it, it's pretty much the same way in
real life. How else can you explain Ross Perot actually getting
votes still?"
Rebel Yell said, "All right, on with the mission. We'll
probably see these people again before we're through. Anybody
have any ideas how to find the Editors?"
"I do," a voice from the back said. Yell turned to see
Background Boy!
"I thought you were Continuity Champion in disguise."
"I was," the hero replied, ripping off his mask (though the
ripping was more realistic than the one in BATMAN RETURNS) to
reveal... Captain Continuity!
"I am the alternate future version of Continuity Champ, so I
know exactly where they are."
Parking Karma Kid, distraught over the murder of his pal Squid
Boy, grabbed the older CC. "You knew this was going to happen!
You could have stopped it!" he raged.
The Captain met him with a gaze cold as a Canadian woman's
heart. "Yes, at the cost of all reality! I am your only hope to
save the Looniverse. If your friends had to be sacrificed to
prevent the destruction of us all, is that so terrible a price?"
"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few," Cliche
Dude noted.
"Exactly. Besides, this is comics - they'll be back. Now let
go of me, so we can get to the Editors."
* * * *
Meanwhile, back on earth (who cares which one) news of the
impending disaster set off net-wide panic.
In Net.roplis, Mayor Pervis Walker declared an official
holiday, considering everyone was going to die that day anyway.
In his office high above Coastal City, the crimelord Kingfish
smiled at the chaos. If he couldn't take it with him, he was
determined to get all he could get within the next two weeks.
* * * *
Also on earth, Continuity Champion's Aunt Comic-Relief was
driving her Model-T to visit a friend, when the jalopy coughed,
wheezed, and died.
"Oh, dear," she said. Peering through her wire-rimmed
spectacles, she saw a building nearby. The weather was starting
to look dark and stormy, so she went to the door to ask to use
the phone.
At her feeble rap, the door slowly opened with a creak.
"Hello," Aunt Comic-Relief said, stepping inside. "Is anyone
here?"
She turned to see a hideous figure carrying a huge gun. It was
the last sight she'd ever see, as she had a coronary.
The alien who had been waiting for Dr. Killfile looked down at
the old woman... We now interrupt this broadcast for an
INTERLUDE (brought to you by Drizzt):
The Ultimate Ninja came to at last. He knew he would have to
find somewhere to heal, a place to enter a restorative trance
safely. He channelled all his willpower to block the pain.
Crawling toward the form of his enemy, he reached forward.
Somehow, Ellipsis King must have used a device to transport
himself to H'yyydde'uz.
There - on his belt. Taking the portal opening device, UN
pressed a button on it. The fabric of space and time before him
rippled and then shattered, as a portal to somewhere else opened.
Without a look back, the wounded ninja crawled through the
opening.
Then, a shadowy form emerged from the darkness as the portal
closed. Ignoring the ninja's escape, he went to the body of
Ellipsis King. At last, his careful vigil would be rewarded; he
had at last obtained a real superhuman. So what if he was dead;
the Company would reward him well and revive Ellipsis King as a
superbeing under their control.
As he drug the King's corpse away, the shadows enveloped them
both, and then they were gone. CHAPTER FOUR:
Continuity Champ followed the signs toward the secret power
source when suddenly he encountered and ominous figure.
"Halt, for I am Royalty King!"
The Champ paused only long enough to wave his arm at his foe,
meaning to turn him into a bowl of jello. However, his power of
transmogrification fizzled. Royalty King laughed.
"Fool! Just like my so-called mistress, you do not know what
you deal with!"
"Who are you?" Continuity Champ asked, his eyes narrowing
(though the King couldn't see that).
"Once I had a name like other men, but it was taken from me.
You, exiled Knight of Continuity, should know me well." He
reached up and tore off his mask (that's happening a lot in this
story. ain't it?).
The Champ's eyes widened. "Harras the Horrendous," he
whispered.
"Yes, it is I! Once I have defeated you, nothing can stop me
from taking the Crossover Gem from Crossover Queen and returning
to the land of men. Nothing can stop me! Especially not you!"
Harras pointed at the Champ, and shimmering bolts of
electricity crackled toward him. The Legionnaire flipped his
cape around, absorbing the bolts. He led with a bolt of focussed
plot error energy, which staggered Harras slightly. Harras
returned a cross- continuity uppercut, knocking the hero back.
The exiled Editor followed with a retcon bodyslam, knocking the
breath from the Champ.
Harras stood over his prone form. "Nothing will stop me." He
pointed a glowing finger at the Champion. "Nothing."
* * * *
ELSEWHERE:
The ninja emerged from his healing trance, but felt different.
Something within him had changed during the time he had spent
healing. He felt... like a good guy. No longer like a petty
mercenary or assassin. UN searched his memory for why this could
have happened. He thought he remembered some fragments, but it
was all hazy, like a dream
He stood and reactivated the dimensional aperture. No matter,
he must go to alt.fan.dan-quayle. Lives were at stake; he could
feel it.
As he reemerged, he saw bodies lying broken on the ground.
Bodies of LNHers. Acting swiftly, the ninja tossed each body
into the rip in time and space he had created. As he hoisted
Cheesecake-Eater Lad's body, the portal began to flicker and
fail. The device was running out of energy. If he did not
deactivate it soon, he would not have the energy to return back
to Net.Earth. UN dived through the hole, and the battlefield
grew silent again.
* * * *
Meanwhile, Spelling Boy ripped off his mask to reveal...
"CANNON FODDER!?! What are you doing here?" Myk-El demanded.
"I had to prove to you Legionnaires I could survive so you
would accept me, and that's just what I've-"
His words ended when a bolt of energy from across the room
vaporized him. Myk-El turned to see Crossover Queen holding a
blue gemstone in her hand. "You LNHers were fools to follow me
here! I'll kill you all!"
Multi-Tasking Man finished off the second to last of the Time
Crapper's goons. Only Table remained. MTM approached him
warily, expecting a trick of some sort.
"Perfesser, bootyslide!" the half-wooden man cried, vanishing
in sparkles.
"Hmmm. Why didn't he do that before?" Then Multi-Tasking Man
noticed the commotion across the room.
Contraption Man was torn between his duty to his ancestor, the
former Marvel Zombie Boy, and his duty as a member of the LNHSE.
He decided since he wouldn't be born for 200 years and the LNHSE
wasn't even in existence yet, his first duty was to his family.
He bent over the decaying corpse. "You have much yet to live
for."
"No," the zombie moaned. "Marvel is a money-grubbing bunch of
slave drivers. I will not serve such as they."
Then Contraption Man hit on an idea. "How about Image?"
"Image? Yes, they have power..." A glow enveloped the one
time zombie, as Contraption Man looked on with concern, fearing
he had created a menace worse than the one he was trying to stop.
* * * *
In a realm far removed from reality, a soul drifted in limbo.
"How could it have been Obscure Trivia Lad's time? Obscure
Trivia Lad is sure Obscure Trivia Lad would have known if it
were."
Yes, a voice in his mind said. You were taken out of time.
Sorry, our mistake; we're working on getting you a new body, but
these things take time.
The disembodied soul waited.
* * * *
The Time Crapper peered out at the unfolding scene from the
shadows. The LNH would doubtless attack the Crossover Queen, and
when they did, the Crapper would be ready to seize the power over
crossovers for himself. INTERLUDE by wReam
"Here let me give you a hand." The dark figure reached out a
hand and lifted Ultimate Ninja to his feet. The shadowy mob
suddenly became very familiar, as he recognized the now-live-
once-dead Legion, that he had just finished throwing through the
escape portal.
"But weren't you all dead?" asked Ultimate Ninja.
"I'll bet you wished we were!" interrupted Spelling Boy, who
stepped out of the shadows to cast a shadow across Ultimate
Ninja.
"Chill out, Spelling Boy! If he wanted us dead then why did he
try to save our bodies?" countered CheeseCake-Eater Lad. "And,
besides, we're alive now, so I guess he saved us!"
Spelling Boy pouted and dragged his feet into the shadows
again, as the Legion attempted to explain why they were alive.
"Obviously, when Ultimate Ninja threw us through the power
portal an energy force recharged the life barriers in our remains
and the power sparkles mixed recreating ourselves in an instant,"
Adamant Authority on Everything tried desperately to explain.
"And we're alive again, even!" helped Sister State-the-Obvious.
"Well, whatever the reason we have more important things to
do," mentioned the Forgetting One. "But I forget what they are."
"We must regroup; everyone must go to the LNHQ," Grammer Lad
announced. "And see who is still alive."
"And we want you to come with us Ultimate Ninja!" said Catalyst
Lass, winking.
Here it is - the cover we promised:
THE LEGION OF NET.HEROES in
CRY.SIG ON INFINITE NET.EARTHS #5
_____ ______ ____ ___ ___
/ ___ \ | ___ \ / __ \ | \ / |
| | |_| | |_| | | || | ||\ \/ /||
| | ___ | / | __ | || \ / ||
| |__| | | |\ \ | || | || \/ ||
\_____/ |_| \_\ |_||_| || ||
(get it? "Hollow-gram"!)
Ahem, anyway, on with the show....
CHAPTER FIVE:
Continuity Champ struggled to get his bearings as Harras the
Horrendous struck a Liefeld-esque pose above him, his hands
glowing ominously.
"Your end is here, fool! None of your continuity-warping
powers can affect me!"
A thought came to the fallen Champion. "Perhaps not, egregious
exiled Editor, but this can!" He waved one arm, and suddenly a
huge stack of unsolicited manuscripts appeared above his head.
Harras looked up, then refocussed his gaze on the Champ. "You
wouldn't dare. I'm an elemental force of the universe. You'd
only succeed in burying yourself, too."
"Maybe," Continuity Champ said.
He clenched his fist and the whole stack collapsed upon the
pair, burying them in a plethora of paper.
For a time, the cavern was silent, then the rustling of pages
could be heard. Then, the papers moved, and a lone humanoid
figure crawled out.
"Maybe not," the Champion said.
CC staggered to his feet, hearing the sounds of battle behind
him. Weakened, he made his way to his teammates.
* * * *
Meanwhile, the remaining Legionnaires faced the arch-villainess
Crossover Queen herself.
"Fools! I possess the Crossover Gem, one of the six gems able
to affect the r.a.c. reality! With it, I can commence the
ULTIMATE CROSSOVER! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"Already, reality begins to warp and shiver as rec.arts.comics
dies! I alone shall survive! I shall possess the bodies of the
LNH users and conquer all of reality and the Net! Nothing can
stop me, for I am Louise Simonson, the Crossover Queen!"
So that's her plan, the Time Crapper thought. Fortunately, it
is one I can implement myself, once I have that gem.
Things looked grim for the Legionnaires. The Champion
staggered in, but his powers were still badly drained from his
fight with Harras. Myk-El remained on his feet, as did
Multi-Tasking Man. Super Apathy Lad lay curled up asleep in one
corner, his cape over him to serve as a blanket and his thumb in
his mouth. CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE was catatonic on the ground,
Marvel Zombie Boy was missing, and the others were dead.
A new figure appeared. "I am Contraption Man, evil fiend!
Know this - Drizzt knew not if I was a new character or not, so
he retconned me as a future descendent of MZB and a member of the
LNHSE over 200 years from now!" He pulled out a plasma rifle.
"Die, evil witch!" He blasted her with the rifle as Multi-Tasking
Man and Myk-El charged.
Crossover Queen waved her hand, and the heroes flew away from
her, hitting the wall and slumping into unconsciousness.
"Pitiful fleas! I cannot be stopped!"
Continuity Champ gathered his power reserves. "So long as
breath remains within my body, Simonson, this evil scheme of
yours will not work."
"Well, then," she cackled, "we'll just have to make sure you
don't have any breath!" Her hands glowed with a fiery red
light...
* * * *
In alt.fan.dan-quayle, the far-away team paused.
"According to Captain Continuity," Parking Karma Kid said, "the
Editors are near."
Just then, several towering figures appeared. "Who are you,
mortal fleas? What do you want with <dramatic pause> the
Editors!"
"Was that a question?" someone asked.
The Editor was taken aback. "Why, yes, it was."
"It should end with a question mark, not an exclamation point."
Rebel Yell groaned inwardly as the Editor's eyes blazed at
being corrected. The only beings who could help save the world,
and some idiot had to develop punctuation correcting powers... CHAPTER SIX:
Even as Crossover Queen unleashed a bolt of pure fanboy appeal
energy, Continuity Champ rolled to the side, and the bolt
harmlessly struck the ground.
Flipping himself to his feet, the Champion said, "Though my
cosmic powers are somewhat drained, I still have the power to
face you, fiend!" He followed with an uppercut, staggering
Crossover Queen and causing her to drop the gem.
A forcebolt hit Continuity Champ in the chest, hurling him
backward. Crossover Queen turned to see the figure of the Time
Crapper!
"The gem will be mine. Give it to me and you may have your
life! Refuse and die!"
Simonson sneered. "Never! I am the queen of crossovers! The
ultimate crossover will take place!" She unleashed her powers
upon the Crapper, who reeled from the blow but turned his
time-warping powers on Crossover Queen.
Continuity Champ shook his head and shakily stood. The battle
with Harras had nearly depleted his power supply, and almost the
last of his energies had been expended in the battle with
Crossover Queen. He looked across the room for help from his
teammates, only to find them unconscious.
Then the glowing aura surrounding where Marvel Zombie Boy had
been caught his eye. Suddenly, the glow dissipated, and a new
figure stepped forward, bearing a large lowercase "i" on his
chest.
"I who was once the Marvel Zombie Boy, have become Fan Boy, the
Image Idiot! Beware, evildoers!"
"Greeeaaat," Continuity Champ groaned.
Then, the Crossover Gem began pulsing.
"You see, fools!" the Queen shouted. "The Ultimate Crossover
has begun! Nothing can save you now!"
Then the Time Crapper hit her with a blast of concentrated
time. "Pitiful flea!" she snarled. "Bathed in the energies of
the Crossover Gem, my powers are endless!" She struck him with
arcane forces.
Reeling, the Crapper realized he had bitten off more than he
could chew. "If I die, I take you with me!" he screamed, leaping
toward Crossover Queen and pressing a button on his belt.
Instantly, the area erupted in a brilliant explosion.
Continuity Champ covered his eyes. When he looked again, there
was nothing left of the Crapper but tattered bits of robe and
fecal matter.
"Is he dead?" Fan Boy queried.
"He ignited his ultimate weapon - the Reality Flusher."
"Nothing could have survived that."
Continuity Champ turned. "You aren't perchance actually Cliche
Dude in disguise are you?"
The Image Idiot looked at him with confusion. "No. Why do you
ask?"
"Never mind." The Champion turned back to the devastated area.
Crossover Queen lay in the midst of the rubble, unconscious.
"Crossover Queen yet lives. Even a blast of that magnitude
could not destroy her. So long as there is a buck to be made,
there will always be crossovers, and so long as there are
crossovers, she will draw upon their energies. She must be
imprisoned in an area far from here, one with no crossovers, not
even a posting for her to use."
He drew upon his powers and created a wormhole, tossing
Crossover Queen into it.
Myk-El came to. "What hit me?"
"Have all you idiots ("No, there's just one idiot," Fan Boy
piped) been taking lessons from Cliche Dude?"
Myk-El ignored the question. "Where did you put her?"
"Wait until the .sig; you'll find out then."
Fan Boy noticed something shiny on the floor. "Hey, what's-"
His words ended when he touched the Crossover Gem.
"Oh, no," Continuity Champ breathed.
A glow once again enveloped the character. When it subsided,
he was left in a green and gold costume again. "No more shall I
be confined to but one comics continuity. Marvel Zombie Boy is
no more; Image Idiot is no more. From henceforth, I shall be
Crossover Caretaker, possessor of the Crossover Gem." With that,
he flew away at an incredible speed. "We shall meet again,
Legionnaires."
"Greeeeaaat," Continuity Champ repeated.
* * * *
In alt.fan.dan-quayle, Rebel Yell attempted to persuade the
Editors to return.
"C'mon, reality's gone to pot since you've been gone. Only you
possess the power to undo what has been done. Only the Editors
can reunify that which was divided."
The chief Editor looked down. "Yes, we can grant this task for
you, but one of you must perform one for us in return."
"What do you want us to do?"
"No, just one of you is all that is required - or that will be
tolerated. As to the task, only the Chosen can know it. Know
only this - it will take the remainder of their lifetime to
complete."
"Then I'll do it," Rebel Yell supplied without hesitation.
"No," a voice said. Captain Continuity stepped forward. "It
must be me."
"Why?"
"Because when I was Continuity Champ, I remember all of you
returning to headquarters and telling me that I had sacrificed
myself for the universe."
Man, this time travel stuff hurts my head, Rebel Yell thought.
"If I am not the one, an alternate timeline will be diverged,
once again fragmenting the universe. And then we'll have a mess
like this all over again. If you do that, God's eventually going
to get real mad and just end it all once and for all."
"There _is_ a God? You've communicated with him?"
"Well, yes and no. Yes, there is a God, but no, He's never
talked directly to me."
"How do you know He exists then?"
"Let's just say the answer lies in your future, in my past."
The chief Editor tapped his foot impatiently. The sight of a
10 foot tall (tall, not wide!) foot being tapped was
disconcerting, to say the least.
"Excuse me, but can we get on with this? We've got some books
to edit before lunch and reality _is_ about to end, you know."
"Sorry."
Captain Continuity took off the Ring of RetConn and wished it
back across time to himself while he was masquerading as
Background Boy. "Okay, I'm ready."
"Then say goodbye to this mortal coil." A white light
enveloped Captain Continuity, and then he was gone.
"Now, for your universe." The head Editor waved his arm and
the LNHer's vanished.
A white wave overtook all of reality. When it was gone, all of
the Legion of Net.Heroes found themselves in their headquarters.
For a moment there was silence, then the building erupted in
shouts.
"Where's Adamant Authority?"
"Hey, what about Marvel Zombie Boy?"
The Legion swapped stories, grieved over their dead (at least
as much as comic book characters ever do grieve), and celebrated
the saving of reality - again. All except Continuity Champ who
hovered in the shadows menacingly.
Just then the phone rang.
"Hello, Legion Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em," Fuzzy said,
answering the phone.
"Give me that!" Rebel Yell shouted. "Hello?"
"Is there a Mr. 'Continuity Champ' there?"
"Just a moment. Hey, CC, you got a call."
Behind the mask, Continuity Champ raised his eyebrows. He took
the phone. "Yes?"
"Mr. Champ? This is Officer Fred Smyrgle. I'm afraid I have
bad news. Your Aunt Comic-Relief is dead."
Continuity Champ's surprised was visible. "But I don't have an
aunt. I'm not even native to this reality!"
* * * *
One thousand years passed. The pile of poop in alt.fan.
dan-quayle that had once been Dada Dude and GreenRingWraith
suddenly achieved sentience and developed time travelling powers.
"I shall revenge myself upon those wretched Legionnaires! From
henceforth I shall be... the Time Crapper!" he screamed to the
heavens.
* * * *
In the present, in a group called
alt.lwaxana.troi.die.die.die...
*****************************************************************
Jeff Barnes I kill Cypher.
Western Kentucky University Liefeld comes to the book.
AKA "Drizzt" Sales soar.
I lose control of the book.
I have to quit.
Boo, hoo.
I kill Cypher...
*****************************************************************
(THE END)
(NOT QUITE)
EPILOGUE:
Continuity Champ considered this development. It intrigued
him. Though his powers were far from fully recovered from the
Cry.Sig battles with Harras and Crossover Queen, he knew that as
the caretaker of reality it was his job to investigate such
seeming lapses of continuity. He asked Officer Smyrgle another
question or two, then hung up the phone.
"I'll be leaving for a while," he said to no one in particular
and everyone in general. "Effective immediately."
"Why?" someone asked.
"Because it's time I got a limited series of my own, and I
can't do that with you dummies around." He turned and then was
gone.
* * * *
"Yo, dude. Haven't seen you around before," Fuzzy said, taking
a seat on the couch beside a man in green and yellow, with a big
gun strapped on his back and an "L" tattooed (ouch!) on his face,
crossing his left eye. "Of course, considering the number of
Legionnaires around, that's not surprising."
The figure stopped stuffing his face with Cheetos for a moment.
"I am Contraption Man."
"Oh, you build things."
"Not only that, but I'm from the next generation of heroes."
"Really? A time-traveller? We haven't travelled in time
since... lemme see, issue #146 of Tales of the LNH. So," he
said, propping his feet up on the table, "what's the 21st century
like?"
"Not too good, I'm afraid. I'm a member of the LNHSE, a
special elite task force dealing with superhuman problems. I'm
also descended from Marvel_Zombie Lad-"
"Ummm, that's Marvel Zombie *Boy*. No '_', either. And he's
dead. Undead, actually. No way he could have kids."
"Some time in the future, those things will change. Anyway,
I've come back in time to stop a traitor from killing all of
you."
"Hmmm, I see. Any idea who it is?"
"No, I'm afraid not. The only evidence I saw was a partial
videotape of a transmission Cliche Dude tried to send off to your
allies."
"Oh, well. Party on," Fuzzy said. Wonder if there's any
cheese dip left? he thought to himself. The phone rang as he
passed by. Hmmm, I thought Cliche Dude was supposed to be on
monitor and phone duty tonight. He answered it anyway.
"Yeah, Legion Mental Institute, head psychopath speaking."
"Hello, Fuzzy? This is Dr. Deranged."
"Yo! What's up, Doc?"
"I'm in Canada right now; it seems someone wiped it out with a
reality wave, so I'm helping in the rebuilding."
"Bummer."
"Tell me about it. Looks like someone used the Egregious
Eraser of the Editors on it. You can see the white of the page
through it. Not to worry, though. It seems few tourists have
noticed the lack of people or the whiteness."
"Why?"
"Well, most of Canada is people-sparse, and the tourists just
think the white is snow. Give us a week and we'll have it back
to the way it was. Except for the towns of Timmins and Bancroft;
they're gone forever."
"Too bad."
"By the way, I assume you were all successful at saving the
universe?"
"But of course. I mean, you're here, aren't you?"
"Actually, I'm *not* there, but that's a different matter
entirely. How do I know I can trust the empirical evidence of my
senses? How do I know all of what we laughingly call reality is
not some great delusion?"
"'I think therefore I am'? Well, if that were the standard,
most of the LNH wouldn't exist."
"Precisely. How do we know that reality is real? What is
real?"
* * * *
Myk-El idly eavesdropped on Fuzzy's increasingly metaphysical
debate with Dr. Deranged. Time for me to leave, he thought. I
never did like this Vertigo stuff. He picked up his Bola Cola
(the official soft drink of the LNH) and looked for other
company.
"Myk!" He turned to see Rebel Yell pushing through the crowd
of Legionnaires to get to him. "Can I talk to you for a second?"
"Sure."
"It's about your powers. I mean, I knew you were an alien, a
Qwertian, but I thought you didn't have any special powers. At
least, that's what List Lad and RosterwReam said."
"Yeah, that's what I thought, too. It must be exposure to a
red sun such as the one H'yyydde'uz orbits. I'm afraid I've
slowly started losing my powers again."
"I see. Thanks." Rebel Yell turned away. His job as nominal
leader of the LNH was getting more and more difficult. Maybe I
should just resign, he thought. All this keeping up with
subplots is really hurting my head.
* * * *
It was about this time someone crashed to party. Marvel Zombie
Boy, to be precise. He came hurtling from the skies aflame,
crashing into the swimming pool.
"Marvel Zombie Boy!" someone shouted.
Lurking Girl dived into the pool after him, then remembered she
couldn't swim (she sure did look good wet, though - what they
could see of her). After the Legionnaires hauled their two
members out of the pool, Yell examined the Zombie.
"Is he... dead?" someone asked.
"I'm afraid so."
"Oh, no!"
Yell looked up. "Oh, don't worry. He's been that way for
quite a while."
"Wasn't he last seen as Image Idiot? Then the Crossover
Caretaker."
"Don't remind me."
A groan escaped the Zombie's lips. His eyes flew open, and he
grabbed Yell with surprising strength.
"You must... stop him!!! Terror... from beyond the stars!
Insanity Gauntlet!" He sagged back down and his eyes fluttered
closed.
"Who?" Rebel Yell demanded. "Who is it?"
But Marvel Zombie Boy was no longer conscious.
After they had put MZB in the medi-lab, Rebel Yell went for a
walk. He looked up toward the heavens. Suddenly, the stars no
longer seemed as friendly as they once had.
Great, he thought. All we need is another dangling subplot
with a shadowy master villain.
TO BE CONTINUED?
* * * * * * * *
Later, at the HQ of the Legion of Net Heroes:
"So let me get this straight," Comics Snob-Boy grilled Myk-El.
"You mean to tell me that, all in all, Ultimate Ninja was able to
save all you guys that fought Crossover Queen and Royalty King!?"
"That's not quite so. There were two casualties," Myk-El
related. "Essentially one mysterious Aunt Comic-Relief and
Obscure Trivia Lad!"
"Mysterious? Why?" asked Bandwagon Chick.
"Well, Continuity Champ claims to never have had an aunt.
After all, he is an interdimensional being..."
"Hey! you know we're going to have a funeral! Anyone want to
sing a solo at it?" Bad-Timing Boy interrupted the entire
pondering process on the subject of Aunt Comic-Relief.
"I will!" leapt out Sing-Along Lass, enthusiastically!
"Oh and I will bring the refreshments!" Cheesecake-Eater Lad
smiled as visions of a double fudge strawberry cheesecake did
little dances in his head.
"Ok, now RosterwReam, you mark the Roster." List Lad
instructed RosterwReam, as he took a pencil to a very long list.
"Obscure Trivia Lad is DEAD. Good."
"Hey!" Bad-Timing Boy smiled like a little child at Christmas.
"Does this mean we get his STUFF? I get his comics!"
The Legion burst into chaos.
"LEGION!" All-Knowing-Last-Chance-whiner-destiny-woman cried
to the Legion. "All of you must accept the responsibilities of
membership in the Legion! Sig Lad, you must announce the
induction!"
"Okay, thanks. Well, it is the consensus of the Legion that we
accept Ultimate Ninja into the Legion of Net.Heroes!" Sig Lad
smiled as he presented Ultimate Ninja with a plastic membership
card. Everyone else in the hall was more or less ignoring the
goings on. They were divvying up Obscure Trivia Lad's
possessions and fighting over who should get what.
All with the exception of a certain hero. Spelling Boy glared
from a corner, plotting his revenge. He knew Ultimate Ninja was
up to no good! And was determined to prove it, or frame him.
Whatever it took to take out the garbage!
"You can now give a speech if you wish," Sig Lad prodded.
"Well, Um ... Who is the leader of this group?? You need
organization and leaders... I mean, err." Ultimate Ninja looked
into the gibbering mass of members. They didn't hear any more.
Ultimate Ninja looked out a window, and determined that he
would whip this group into shape, one way or another...
*****************************************************************