LNH/NTB: Beige Midnight #10: PLANET MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!! III: "Absolute Mite"

[Arthur Spitzer]

[Cover: Occultism Kid; wielding the Insanity Gauntlet, Ring of Retcon,
and Cosmic Plot device; sits on a throne made of albino porcupines.
Standing on each side of him are Mynabird and Easily-Discovered Man
Lite. Both of them are dressed in lobster outfits and both pour maple
syrup on Occultism Kid's crown made up of 58.5 grilled cheese crisps.
Occultism Kid looks straight at the reader with an insane gleam in his
eyes and cackles madly a speech balloon that reads,
'Muhahahahhahahahahahahhah!!!!!!!" On the bottom of the page is bold
text that reads, 'Absolute Mite!']





Easily-Discovered Man Lite. Easily-Discovered Bran Mite. Two titans of
the online world, locked in a feud that has spanned decades (even if
only one of the pair is actually aware of it). What will happen when
the unstoppable farce meets the immovable objector? We have no idea,
but it surely won't be any of these...



TOP TEN POSSIBLE FINAL CONFRONTATIONS BETWEEN
EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN LITE AND THE EASILY-
DISCOVERED BRAN MITE



10. THE HOLLYWOOD ENDING:

Bruised, battered, his eyes swollen shut from multiple beatings,
Easily-Discovered Man Lite reeled as the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite
gloated in triumph.

"Had enough, Lite?" the Mite cackled.

"Do not give up, Lite!" shouted the sidekick's aged mentor,
Easily-Discovered Man. "Remember... you need only look within yourself
for the strength to prevail!"

"You can take 'em, Lite!" cried the breathtaking Cynical Lass.
"And by the way, I'm carrying your baby!"

"Hit 'em one for me, Lite!" called Lite's ragamuffin sidekick, the
blind, one-legged Depression-era newsboy Easily-Discovered Man Lite, Junior.

"Can't... fight... any... longer," Lite gasped, his feet splaying
beneath him. "Shouldn't... have... stayed... up... playing... Arkham
City... last night..."

"Good-bye, Lite," the Mite sneered, targeting the staggering hero
with a wicked-looking his weapon.

"Nooooo!" Cynical Lass screamed, as Lite finally gave in to his
pain. He fell... crushing his tiny foe beneath him in the process.

The soundtrack soared. Fireworks sparkled overhead. A young
nurse and a World War II-era sailor embraced in the street.

"He did it!" Cynical Lass cheered. "He did it!"

"What?" Easily-Discovered Man Lite, Junior asked, as a trio of jets
roared overhead. "Who did what? Somebody want to tell me what the
*@#$%^&? just happened?"


9. THE HOLLYWOOD ENDING (MICHAEL BAY VERSION):

"So... you've wanted to kill me for 20 years?" asked Lite, the
sunlight glinting on his mirrored sunglasses.

"Twenty years," the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite said. "Two years
to construct my impregnable Mynabird armor... and twelve years to
sequence, clone and grow an Allosaurus!"

"Holy mother of @#$%^&!" Lite said, as the thirty-foot carnosaur
in question burst from a trapdoor beneath the stage, tossed his mighty
head in the air, and roared.

In the distance, a trio of attractive women began to gyrate in
time to a Metallica song.

"Then another two years to build this giant, transforming mecha,"
Mite crowed, as a vast, heavily-armed, thoroughly impractical two-legged
mechanoid stomped its way through the chamber.

"And another two years to train the Allosaurus to operate the
mecha," the Mite said, as the multi-ton meat-eater leaped into the
cockpit of the machine, its roar muffled as the glass casing snapped
shut around it.

"That's only 18 years," Lite pointed out.

"Allosauruses are notoriously difficult to housebreak," the Mite
said, as the mighty theropod hung its head in shame. "But no matter!
For now... now, at long last, I will utterly destroy you!"

"Yeah. About that," Lite said, twisting a button on his belt, as
the pounding soundtrack rose in volume. "You really should have gone
with training Deinonychii. For one thing, they're a lot more
intelligent, and easier to train. For another..."

Lite's hair rippled in the wind, as several brightly-colored
vehicles -- a tank, a hovercraft, a jet, a helicopter and a
shuttlecraft, each piloted by one of the hissing dromaeosaurs -- burst
and blasted their way into the chamber, causing much of the furniture to
explode.

"...they're pack animals, which makes them really good at
coordinating their efforts," Lite continued, as the five
dinosaur-piloted vehicles linked together, becoming the arms, legs,
torso and head of a rainbow-colored robot.

"So be it," the Mite said, his words all but drowned out by a
crescendo of Metallica as the two dinosaur-driven machines rushed at
each other in a visual spectacle that would be all but incomprehensible
to any audience that lacked the ability to watch it in slow-motion.
"FOR SPARTAAAAAA!"

"Whatever," Lite said, walking out through one of the jagged,
robot-created holes in the chamber wall.


8. THE HOLLYWOOD ENDING (ANG LEE VERSION):

"So you've really pursued me for twenty years?" Easily-Discovered
Man Lite asked.

"I had to," the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite confessed, the late
afternoon sun illuminating every detail of his finely-muscled thorax.
"From the moment I first saw you, I..."

"Yes?" Lite asked, drawing closer.

"Damn it!" the Mite shouted, pounding two of his fists into the
chamber wall and turning away for a moment. When at last he returned
his gaze to Lite, all eight of his eyes were rimmed with tears.

"I wish I could quit you," he whispered, as the two embraced
passionately.


7. THE BOLLYWOOD ENDING:

"So you've been pursuing me for twenty years?" Easily-Discovered
Man Lite asked. "And you managed to steal away from me the girl I've
secretly loved since boyhood, although I've never been able to confess
my feelings to her, for no particularly good reason?"

"Yes," the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite said. "But it was all the
result of a wacky misunderstanding."

"Well, that's that then," Lite said, picking up a tambourine.
"Nothing left to do, but... DANCE!"

Lite, the Mite, and the other members of the cast -- including
some members of the LNH and several of Mite's minions apparently killed
in the previous battle and a group of bare-midriffed bhangra dancers who
appeared out of nowhere -- immediately began an
elaborately-choreographed dance number, with the high, thin voice of the
Easily-Discovered Bran Mite soaring over the soundtrack...


6. THE DAVID CHASE ENDING:

"Here's something I've never understood," Easily-Discovered Man
Lite said, looking up from his pasta primavera as Journey's "Don't Stop
Believin'" began to play on the restaurant's jukebox.

"The song says 'Some will win. Some will lose. Some are going to
sing the blues,' " Lite continued, twirling his fork in the plate of
pasta. "But that seems unnecessarily redundant. Wouldn't the people
singing the blues be, of necessity, the losers? Or is the song trying
to say that by choosing to sing the blues, they -- despite having
experienced a loss -- cease to become losers, thanks to the
transformative power of art?"

The door to the restaurant opened. Lite looked up.



The scene faded to black.


5. THE JOSS WHEDON ENDING:

"I just realized something," said Cynical Lass. "I'm a human
being, and you're a... well, something like a bug. I just have to step
on you, and then all the buggy goodness inside of you will come oozing
out, and I can go back to doing whatever it was I was doing before you
started threatening my life."

"Hold on," said the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite, making a "time
out" sign with two of its tiny legs. "Where is Easily-Discovered Man
Lite? The whole point of this showdown -- indeed, the whole point of
the last two decades of my life -- is to give me a chance to destroy my
most hated foe."

"I told Lite to hit the showers," Cynical Lass said, putting her
hands on her hips. "What this scene needs is the presence of a strong,
powerful female character -- or at least a male comic book fan's fantasy
of what a strong, powerful female character would be like."

"Fair enough," the Mite said.

"And now to commence with the squooshing," Cynical Lass said,
raising her boot.

"Hold on," the Mite said. "Why is it that I'm the antagonist in
all of these endings? Easily-Discovered Man Lite destroyed my
girlfriend, my children, and my civilization -- and even if you want to
argue that he's ignorant of having committed those crimes, surely his
reckless disregard for the lives of others has to be taken into account?"

Cynical Lass wavered, her foot hanging in the air.

"And besides," the Mite said, "I'm part of the 99 percent."

"Ninety-nine percent of what?" Cynical Lass asked.

"Of the things that live on the human body," the Mite said. "Lite
is supposed to be our host... but has he ever offered us a welcome
reception? A Christmas card? Even a form letter would show some
consideration."

"Now that you mention it," she said, "he never even offered to
give me a cut of the bonus check he's receiving for appearing in this
series of ending scenes. He really is kind of selfish, isn't he..."

BLAM! BLAM!

"Hah!" said Neil Patrick Harris, emerging from a nearby shrubbery
with a smoking pistol in each hand. He returned the weapons to holsters
on either side of his waist, stared down at the fallen bodies of the
Easily-Discovered Bran Mite and Cynical Lass, and began to sing.

"I shot you both dead! Yes, I shot you both dead!
You thought you'd kill each other, but I blasted
you instead!
I used all my cunning
You never saw it coming
I pulled out my pistols and filled you with lead
Yes, I shot you both deaaaaad!"


4. THE GI.I. JOE ENDING:

"And now," the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite said, "at long last,
Lite... I will have my revenge!"

"Hold on!" said a tall, bearded man in a sailor's outfit, a green
parrot perched on his shoulder.

"It's Shipwreck(TM)" cried Easily-Discovered Man Lite and the
Easily-Discovered Bran Mite simultaneously.

"Kids, having a vendetta is appropriate if you're a member of an
organized crime family, a character in a Shaw Brothers martial arts
film, or a member of the Republican Party," the sailor began.

"Rawk! GOP," the parrot added.

"But a blood feud is a very, very serious thing -- and should only
be entered into for the most important reasons, like if your best friend
shacks up with the love of your life the minute you get your orders to
ship out."

"Rawk! Bust a cap in his ass," the parrot said.

"Now I know," the Bran Mite said.

"And knowing is half the... Waitaminute," Lite said. "What's a
member of America's top-secret special missions anti-terrorist forces
doing handing out life lessons to children, instead of fighting in Iraq
or Afghanistan?"

"Rawk! 'Don't ask, don't tell' is a bitch," the parrot said.

"You be quiet, Polly," the sailor grumbled.

"And what kind of name is 'Shipwreck' for an elite sailor?" the
Bran Mite asked. "That's like calling America's top astronaut 'The
Challenger.' "

"Ouch. Too soon," Lite said.

"Too soon? Are you serious? It's been more than twenty-five
years since..." the Mite began.

BLAM! BLAM!

"Hah! Didn't expect to see me again, did you?" said Neil Patrick
Harris, as Lite and Mite toppled to the ground.

"Thanks," Shipwreck began, before Neil Patrick Harris fired again.
The sailor crumpled to the floor.

"Bet you didn't expect that, either? Yeah!" the actor said.
"LNH-20 universe need a new Pointless Death Man? I'm the guy. You with
me, Polly?"

"Rawk!" the parrot said, settling onto Neil Patrick Harris'
shoulder and making a "V" with one wing. "Peace out, mother*@#$%^ers."


3. THE BRYAN LEE O'MALLEY ENDING:

"And now, Easily-Discovered Man Lite, I... Wait! What the hell is
that?" the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite asked.

"You mean the fact that both of our features look distorted and
googly, like we were guest-starring in an episode of 'Teen Titans?' "
Lite asked.

"No. I took that as an attempt to curry favor with a younger,
manga-reading fan base," the Mite said. "I mean the red line and row of
cartoon hearts that appeared over your head the minute I threatened you."

"Hey! You've got one too!" Lite said. "I think it's supposed to
look like the health meter that would show up in boss rounds during
those old-school video games from the 1990s."

"Seriously?" the Mite asked, craning his thorax upward to look at
the line of hearts above his head. "So the target demographic for this
ending is people who are young enough to read and appreciate manga and
anime, but old enough to remember playing 8-bit games? Exactly how many
people do they think are in hat particular audience?"

"About as many as want to read a heartwarming romance in which the
hero cheats on his girlfriend," muttered a young Asian girl, strolling
past the two deadly foes.

"This blows," Lite said. "Harris, why don't you come out here and
end this right now?"

"Man," said Neil Patrick Harris, his long face grown even longer
as he emerged from the bushes. "It's no fun if you guys expect it."


2. THE GRANT MORRISON ENDING:

"At last I have you dead to rights, Easily-Discovered Man Lite,"
the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite said.

"So it would appear," Lite said, his hands jammed into the pocket
of his hooded sweatshirt. "But there's something you hadn't considered."

"You mean the fact that none of this is real? That we're living
in a fictional universe?" the Bran Mite said. "Or perhaps that you had
anticipated my super-secret plan ... and having done so, created an even
more secret and elaborate plan to defeat me? Or that the words that
we're speaking, even now, are all part of an ancient Aztec spell
designed to bring the products of our imagination to life?"

"Yes. And no," Lite said. "You see, I counted on you knowing all
of that... just as I counted on you knowing that I am no mere sidekick,
but the avatar of a universal force linking all of those things that are
easily-discovered. Including you."

"Naturally," the Bran Mite said, fanning his face with a copy of
the Mid.Net Star in a subtle yet pointed reference to his first
appearance in an obscure comic more than two decades ago.

"But what you didn't expect... was that I was not
Easily-Discovered Man Lite at all, but actually... Easily-Discovered
Man!" the boy declared, removing a lifelike latex mask to reveal the
wrinkled, yet glowing face of the net.hero.

"Ingenious!" the Mite said. "And yet, I too have a secret, old
man. I knew that you could not possibly be Easily-Discovered Man
Lite... because I AM!"

"Truly this is a web of deception like none other," said
Easily-Discovered Man, as he faced his sidekick. "And that web extends
further than you know, Lite. For know that I am not Easily-Discovered
Man after all... but in reality," he added, tearing a second mask aside,
"Legion of Net.Heroes author Arthur Spitzer!"

"So your 'death' at the hands of the Beige Clock Tower was merely
a ruse!" Lite said, reaching up to remove his own mask. "Of course, _I_
knew that... for I am, in reality, Saxon Brenton... the LNH author who
established 'Arthur Spitzer' as a pen name!"

"Only one person could know that," said 'Arthur Spitzer,' using a
rag to remove the make-up from his face. "And that's the young boy in
whose imagination not only the Legion of Net.Heroes, but
rec.arts.comics.creative, the Usenet and even the Internet itself
exists... Andrew Perron!"

"Of course I knew that," said the false Saxon Brenton, switching
off the hologram watch he wore at his wrist. "For I, too, am Andrew
Perron!"

"We are all Andrew Perron!" said every other member of the cast,
dropping their own disguises... and turning to stare directly at the
reader...


1. THE ENDING THE AUTHOR THOUGHT WAS QUITE WITTY AND
AMUSING AT 2 A.M. EARLIER THIS WEEK, BUT NOW WONDERS
IF IT SHOULD BE INCLUDED AT ALL:

"And so here we are at last, Easily-Discovered Man Lite," intoned
the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite, who had donned his best velvet jacket
and bow tie for the occasion. "As you can see, I've captured everyone
who might possibly rescue you at the last second -- Easily-Discovered
Man, Cynical Lass, even Neil Patrick Harris -- and placed them in a cage
that even now sways above a pit filled with molten asparagus and
man-eating African horseflies."

"You fiend!" Easily-Discovered Man shouted.

"Horseflies? Seriously?" Cynical Lass asked. "Was it that hard
to come by a tank filled with piranha? Is that really so much to ask?"

"Molten asparagus was not in the contract," Neil Patrick Harris
said. "This is starting to look like a really bad career move."

"But I'm going to give you a chance, Lite. The chance you never
gave my girlfriend... or my children... or any of my people. The chance
to save the ones you love."

"I'm actually kind of lukewarm on Neil Patrick Harris," Lite said.
"He did shoot me in one of these endings, after all. Although I liked
him in 'Stark Raving Mad,' so I guess that makes up for it."

"Before you stands a microphone. A stage. And three judges who
will determine your fate," the Mite said, as a spotlight illuminated
three faces in the dark. "May I present acerbic British reality show
host Simon Cowell, magazine editor Anna Wintour -- who as you know, has
no sense of humor..."

"I had it surgically removed," Wintour explained. "Along with my
sweat glands."

"...and television's Crow T. Robot," the Mite finished.

"What is all this?" Cowell asked. "I'm really terribly busy, and
only took this interview because I was told I would be served a dish of
lemon cake."

"The cake is a LIE!" Crow shouted.

"Here then, is your task, Easily-Discovered Man Lite," the Mite
said. "You may tell one -- and only one -- ninja joke. If all three of
our judges are sufficiently amused, you and your friends may live. For
every judge that doesn't laugh... one of your friends will be fed to the
flies!"

"What if it's clear to everyone that they're laughing on the
inside?" Lite asked.

"Enough!" the Mite said. "You may have been able to laugh your
way out of danger before, Lite, but this time... the last laugh will be..."

"Yours?" Lite suggested.

"No! The flies! The smell of molten asparagus makes them higher
than the audience at a Phish concert! Now... make your joke,
Easily-Discovered Man Lite."

"Cover your ears," Cynical Lass whispered, as Lite approached the
microphone.

"Are you kidding? This might be the last joke I ever hear," Neil
Patrick Harris said.

"Do as the girl says, fellow captive," Easily-Discovered Man said.
"I know my sidekick, and that look in his eye can mean only one thing."

"Is this thing on?" Lite asked, tapping the microphone. "Okay.
So this family of ninjas walks into a talent agency..."

Seventeen minutes later...

"...And so the agent says, 'What in the world do you call that
particular method of assasination?' And the head of the ninja clan
says, 'The Aristocrats!' "

Lite looked over at his audience. Simon Cowell had torn the
cushion loose from his seat and used it to smother himself to death.
Anna Wintour's face had melted, in a manner not dissimilar to that of
the Nazis in "Raiders of the Lost Ark," leaving behind only a skeleton
with impeccable bone structure.

Crow, however, was cheering and applauding wildly.

"That was the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my entire
life!" the robot said. "I want more! MORE!"

"No! It can't end like this!" the Mite screamed. "You may have
saved yourself, sidekick... but you've doomed your friends!"

The tiny, glowing arachnid punched a series of buttons on the
podium in front of him, causing the floor of the cage holding his
prisoners to open. Just as they began to fall, however,
Easily-Discovered Man Lite whipped his microphone at the cage. The
instrument caught in the cage bars, and Cynical Lass, Easily-Discovered
Man and Neil Patrick Harris slid down the microphone cord to safety.

"Knew I should have paid the extra $15 for the wireless mic. I...
NOOOOOOO!" the Mite screamed, as Neil Patrick Harris slipped on his way
down the microphone cord, falling on top of the hapless
Easily-Discovered Bran Mite.

"I... I think I may have just squashed your arch-nemesis," the
actor said, rubbing his hindquarters.

"I'd say he was more your nemesis than Lite's," said Cynical Lass.
"After all, you killed him three times today."

"In reality, 'twas his own misplaced sense of anger, his need for
venegance, that killed him," Easily-Discovered Man said.

"No," said Lite, removing his baseball cap and holding it over his
heart as he bent down to examine the remains of his fallen foe. "No,
Prof, it wasn't venegance. And it certainly wasn't me that killed him.
It was booty -- specifically Neil Patrick Harris' booty -- that killed
the beast."



(And now for the actual conclusion...)



**** <<--BM-->> ****


The place -- Inside the Insanity Gauntlet

The time --


B E I G E

M I D N I G H T


The number -- T E N




The Writers -- Arthur Spitzer and Rob Rogers


**** <<--BM-->> ****


April 2008 --

The Insanity Gauntlet --

Occultism Kid struggled with the straight jacket he found himself
strapped onto him. "What have you done, Bart?" he said glaring at Bart
the Dark Receptionist who was here with him in this place. A place that
looked like a mental institution.

"Done?" laughed Bart. "Not sure what you're talking about, OK."

"The Straight Jacket!" growled Occultism Kid. "How did you trap me here?"

"Straight Jacket?" Bart gave a shrug. "I don't see a straight jacket.
And this talk about trapping you -- that sounds like paranoid talk.
Are you sure you're all right?"

Occultism Kid looked down. The Straight Jacket was gone. His arms were
free. "What did you do to me? How did I get here?"

"I suppose I could answer those questions," said Bart. "But I don't
feel like it. I'd rather watch some TV. How about you? Want to watch
some TV? Let's do that." A remote control appeared in Bart's hand and
he pointed it at the TV close to the ceiling.

"Ah," said Bart as he began flipping through the channels. "Here's my
favorite show. It's about this occultist type guy who's casting some
spell with a bunch of trenchcoater type dudes. Anyway, he gets sucked
into some sparkly glove type thingee and every episode after that
involves all of the trenchcoater dudes surrounding the pentagram waiting
for him to somehow escape. It never happens though. He just sort of
stays stuck in the glove. Actually, now that I think about it -- it
really sounds kind of boring. Let's look at what else is on, shall we?"
Bart continued to flip through the channels.

"What's this?" said Bart pausing his clicking. Occultism Kid looked at
the TV screen. It was Fearless Leader sitting in a chair with a pained
expression just staring at a comatose Ripping Dancer. Fearless Leader
buried his head into his hands. "Some Soap Opera, I guess. Too
melodramatic for my tastes." Bart continued to click.

"Ah, this -- this looks good," said Bart stopping again. It was
Mynabird just mowing down superheroes that were in his way. Nothing
could stop him. He just kept getting closer and closer to the camera.
And finally one of his big metal hands grabbed the lens. And then
static and snow filled the TV screen.

Bart smiled. "Let's watch this."



**** <<--BM-->> ****




PLANET MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!!
PART III


'Absolute Mite'




**** <<--BM-->> ****


"...We've got to get him out of there!" said Kid Anarky.

The Dvandom Stranger shook his head. "We must continue the spell. We
must not break the circle. If we do then all is lost. It is up to
Occultism Kid and Occultism Kid alone to break free of the Insanity
Gauntlet. All we can do is wait."

"And if he doesn't break free?" asked Kid Anarky.

The Dvandom Stranger didn't answer. And then the TV screen went back to
snow.

"Boy, there sure is lousy reception here," said Bart shaking his head
and clicking the TV off.

"How did I get here, Bart?" said Occultism Kid. "What did you do to
trap me into the Gauntlet?"

"What did I do?" said a puzzled Bart. "You're not making any sense, OK.
That's just a TV show. It's not real. You're beginning to sound a
little crazy."

"I'm not in the mood for playing games, Bart. Just tell me where I am."

"Where you are? You're in a Sane Asylum."

"A Sane Asylum?"

"Yep. It's where they send people when they're just a little too sane.
Everyone locked in here is completely sane.

"Yeah? How about that guy dressed up as Napoleon?" said Occultism Kid
looking at his fellow inmates.

"Well, that's because he's the real Napoleon. And over there is the
real Abraham Lincoln. And over there? The real Jesus Christ. There's
God. Hitler. Satan. Joan of Arc. Gandhi. Elvis. Santa Claus. Yep.
They're all here. And all completely 100% sane."

Occultism Kid shook his head. "This is all completely mad. And you run
this place, I take it?"

"No," said Bart. "Because I'm sane. No. It's the loonies that run
this place."

"Well, that makes sense," said Occultism Kid rolling his eyes. "And who
are these loonies? Can I speak to them?"

"Oh, eventually you'll be taken to them. Everyone here has to see them.
You see they're doctors. Doctors who think they are us. I have to go
to weekly sessions with a completely insane doctor who thinks he's me.
He calls himself Dr. Bart the Dark Receptionist. Insane, isn't it?"

Occultism Kid looked around him. He had to get out of here. "How big
is this place?"

"Oh, about the size of the Loonited States, I suppose."

"You're joking. Right?"

"Nope. I mean 58 and a half years ago, it was just this little Sane
Asylum. But it believed in itself. It believed it could do anything.
And so it grew. And it grew. And now it's the size of the Loonited
States. But it will keep growing and growing. And when it devours the
world, it will keep going into space and devour other worlds. And solar
systems. And galaxies. And keep growing until the entire Looniverse is
inside it. And then I imagine it will start invading into other
Multiverses and so on and so on."

And then Occultism Kid's vision became blurry and he could feel his head
becoming light. No. Feel drugged. Got to -- got to stay...


**** <<--BM-->> ****


Occultism Kid opened his eyes. He was in some room. He was sitting in
a chair and bound in a straight jacket. On the other side of the table
was a man in a doctor's coat reading some papers from a folder. "Ah,
good. You're awake. I'm your doctor. Dr. Occultism Kid. I'll be
handling your treatment."

Occultism Kid laughed. "Dr. Occultism Kid, huh? And that makes me -- who?"

The doctor looked at the folder. "Your name is Dick Hey."

"Dekay?"

"Richard August Hey."

"Oh, right. And why am I here?"

"You had a complete breakdown in 2007. Back in September of 2001, you
wrote some story that ended this amateur fanfiction type universe you
and few others had created. Something called -- I believe the 'Teenage
Disco Vampire Barbershop Quartet Net.Force Universe' if I'm correct.
You had some ambition to be a professional writer, but everything you
submitted to publishers was rejected. This made you very depressed.
You were a college dropout with a minimum wage job and your greatest
dream was to be a writer. But you were a failure in that. And so in
April of 2007 you attempted suicide. It was unsuccessful, but after the
attempt you started to believe that the Beige Clock Tower that you had
used to end the life of the 'Teenage Disco Vampire Barbershop Quartet
Net.Force Universe' was actually real. And it was going to rise in our
world and unleash two horrible monsters that would destroy our world.
And you began to create this fiction in your head and made it your
reality. In this fiction, you were not a failed writer by the name of
Dick Hey. You were a hero called Occultism Kid and you were part of
this gigantic group of superheroes called the Legion of Net.Heroes. And
you were going to save us all from this threat. Members of your own
family became concerned by your behavior and brought you here for therapy."

Occultism Kid thought about this. Need to keep a level head. Can't act
insane or they'll just keep me here. Got to go with the story. Just
need to pretend. "Well, looks like it worked, Doc. I feel completely
sane. I guess I was confused for a bit, but now I know I'm Dick Hey not
Occultism Kid. The Beige Clock Tower and LNH don't exist, I know this
now. You can let me out of this straight jacket and release me. I'm
fine. Totally fine. You've made me a sane man again." Occultism Kid
looked straight into the doctor's eyes. "You can let me go."

The doctor frowned. "I'd like to believe that. I'd really like to
believe that, but -- I have a feeling that you're just telling me what I
want to hear and not what you actually believe."

Well, that didn't work. Occultism Kid struggled with his straight
jacket. It wasn't doing any good. Need to calm down. And think this
through. "So I'm stuck here, huh? It doesn't matter if you actually
cure me because you'll just think I'm pretending. Is that how it is?"

The doctor shook his head. "This is not a prison, Richard. We're here
to cure you. And when you're cured, we will release you. But only when
you become free of these delusions. Totally free. This is for your own
good."

"Right. And how do you know I'm the one who is deluded and not you?
Dr. Occultism Kid? What kind of a name is that for a person to have?
Did your parents just decide to give you the stupidest name possible or
did you change your name to that?"

"There is no need to make fun of my name. And yes, my parents gave me
this name. My parents were rather bohemian. Occultism Rasputin Kid is
on my birth certificate and numerous other documents. Where is your
proof that your name is actually Occultism Kid?"

Well, thought Occultism Kid, it wasn't actually his real legal name.
And there was probably no point in revealing his real name since it
would give what ever was doing this more power over him. Got to think.
He was wearing the Ring and Gauntlet when he got sucked down here. He
must still have them. Just can't see them. Got to focus on them.
Access their power.

And then Occultism Kid could feel them. And there was a flash.


**** <<--BM-->> ****


End of Part I

Tomorrow: Part II!

Arthur "Death to Beige Midnight" Spitzer

LNH/NTB: Beige Midnight #10: PLANET MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!! III:
"Absolute Mite" (2/4)

Part II



Occultism Kid was back in the pentagram. And he was wearing the
Insanity Gauntlet. And he looked at the trenchcoaters that were
surrounding him. They were all dead. They were all burned skeletons.
Everyone was dead. Even the Dvandom Stranger. And for some odd reason
they were all wearing Hawaiian shirts and leis.

What had happened here? Why was everyone dead?

He was still in LNHQ Sub-sub basement #58.5. Was it that Invisible
Force that had killed everyone? He couldn't feel anyone besides himself
here. Have to get out of here.

As he made his way to the surface, he realized that there was no more
LNHQ. It was gone. He looked at the sky. The color was back, but it
was the wrong color. The sky was green. And the sun? There was no
more sun. Instead, there was a cartoonish bright red hippo playing
guitar where the sun should be. He looked at the grass, which looked
like french fries. Okay, he was starting to lose it. He must still be
in the Gauntlet.

He looked around him. There was an incredibly large monkey and it was
juggling LNHQs. Occultism Kid felt himself drawn to the purple one and
flew towards it. Once he got inside it, he noticed a bunch of LNH'rs in
lobster costumes. They were all carrying around huge pitchers filled
with various liquids. He tried to talk to them, but they only ignored
him. He followed a couple and they led him to a throne room.

And sitting on what appeared to be a huge throne made up of albino
porcupines was someone who looked exactly like him. He had a crown made
up of a number of grilled cheese crisps. And two guys dressed up in
lobster costumes were pouring maple syrup on it. One of them looked
like Easily-Discovered Man Lite. The other -- Mynabird. They chanted
the theme song to the 'Facts of Life' while they poured the syrup. The
guy who looked like him appeared to be wearing pants for a shirt and a
shirt for pants. And he was wearing the Insanity Gauntlet. Occultism
Kid looked at his hand. The Gauntlet was no longer there.

The man who looked just like him smiled. A completely insane sort of
smile. "Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! You look familiar? Do I know you?"

"I'm Occultism Kid."

"Really?" said the look-a-like. "Funny, that's what they used to call
me back in the days before they started calling me Supreme Master Lord
Head Honcho God of Everything. Am I to take you are some me from the
past? Future? Present?"

Another guy in a lobster costume rushed over with a large bass fish in
his hand. "Present, sire!"

"Oh good!" The look-a-like tore open the fish and reached into its body
and pulled out something that looked like a purple pickle. "What is it?"

"It is a magical paperclip that gives birth to insane spatulas that
think they are Eleanor Roosevelt. It is the last of its species."

"Ah," said the look-a-like looking at the purple pickle thing. "How
totally useless." He threw the object away and the looked at Occultism
Kid. "Can I do something for you? Do you want a lobster costume?"

Occultism Kid shook his head. "I take it you're supposed to be some
future version of me who went insane using the Gauntlet, right?"

"Insane?" laughed the look-a-like. "Would an insane person do this?"
He then pointed at the guy who had given him the fish and turned him
into a bottle of mouthwash. A hairy bottle of mouthwash.

"Yeah. I'd say that's a classic example of pure insanity."

"Well normally I'd kill you for an insult like that, but since I have a
feeling you're me from the past I'll let it slide. I assume you've come
from the past to achieve enlightenment and have come here for my wisdom."

"Honestly, I don't know why I'm here."

"Why to see this great Utopia I've created. See all of the happy faces?
Everyone has a lobster costume! It doesn't get better than that!"

"And what about people who don't want to wear lobster costumes? What
about them?"

"Oh, them? I already killed all of those sickos. This is the future.
You can't escape it! You just can't! You must embrace the power --
kill the trenchcoaters. Kill them! Only then will you have the power
to defeat the Bryttles. Then you will be able to reshape the world!
And don't forget the lobster costumes! Lobster costumes! Lobster
costumes!!!!" And then he just began to laugh a never-ending mad laugh.

Occultism Kid saw a crack in the floor racing towards him. And he fell
through it.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Occultism Kid opened his eyes. He was lying on some hospital bed.
Surrounding him were various teammates.

"Occulty!" said Catalyst Lass. "You're back! You're finally back after
all these years!" Catalyst Lass gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"What -- what happened?" said a groggy Occultism Kid.

"You were in coma for twelve years," said Dr. Stomper. "You fell into
one after you used the Book of Deus ex Machinas to stop the Bryttle
Brothers and restore everything to the way it was. We've been trying a
long time to get you out of it."

"12 years? That long?" And then Occultism Kid looked at Catalyst Lass.
"You don't look 12 years older. You look exactly like you did the
last time I saw you."

"Flatterer!" smiled Catalyst Lass. "But actually there's a reason for
that. People don't age anymore. We fixed that. Now people can be
whatever age they want."

"People don't age? How is that...?"

"Yes," said Dr. Stomper. "There have been a lot of changes since you've
been in a coma. We've cured every cancer. Every disease. And no one
has to be older than they want to be. We can even bring the dead back
to life."

"I see. Well, I guess that's good."

Dr. Stomper nodded. "You were the last problem in the world, Occultism
Kid. And now that you are finally out of your coma -- there are no
problems. We have solved everything."

"Everything? What about the supervillains and...?"

Catalyst Lass gave Occultism Kid a light jab on the shoulder. "There
are no supervillains, silly! There are no more bad guys! We fixed that!"

"I don't understand?"

"Well, after you stopped the Bryttles and went into your coma, we
discovered that there was this super secret organization that was
responsible for all the evil in the world," explained Catalyst Lass.
"They were this spooky underground cult called the Dozen Udder Dooms!
But we found out where they were hiding -- and we took care of them.
And now without their influence over the world, everything is better!
With no more supervillains, we were able to focus our attention to every
other problem! And now -- no more problems! The LNH saved the world!"

"But -- it can't be that simple, can it?"

"Aw, Occulty -- you worry to much." Catalyst Lass gave Occultism Kid a
little hug. "Now you've got to get up. We've got a parade to go to!"

"But I've been in a coma for 12 years! I can't simply just get up and..."

"There is no more leg atrophy, Occultism Kid," said Dr. Stomper. "Get up."

And Occultism Kid got up out of his bed. And he and his LNH teammates
made there way out of the hospital.

And when Occultism Kid stepped out of the hospital, he saw huge crowds
of people cheering and holding up signs. They were cheering for the
LNH. He saw a big banner hanging that read, 'Net.Heroes on Parade!' and
'Thank you for Saving Us!'

He saw a huge number of LNH'rs and other superheroes marching along the
road. And he walked with Catalyst Lass into the marching superhero
parade. And then he saw a banner that read, 'Goodbye, Superheroes!
We'll miss you!'

Occultism Kid pointed to the banner. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, Occulty -- sometimes you're such a big silly. It means our time is
over. We are no longer needed. We've done our work here. And now it
is our time to go. This is our last parade!"

"But where are we going? Where are we...?" And then he noticed
something up ahead. It looked like a cliff. And all of the superheroes
were marching towards it. And he could see them start to fall off.
"It's a cliff! We've got to..."

"Of course, silly. This is the end. The end of the LNH."

And the road felt less like a road than a raging river. Occultism Kid
tried to grip onto one of the street signs, but it didn't do any good.

He could feel some force dragging him towards the cliff. And he could
see the edge.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Meanwhile, back in Net.ropolis --

The villains Londonbroil, RobGoblin, Revamp Lass, Plum Master, and The
Worm (a tiny worm floating in a glass terrarium) were rummaging through
someone's home.

RobGoblin threw down a bunch of CDs on an already big pile of CDs on a
table. "There -- that's the last of them!"

"You sure?" said Londonbroil checking the settings on his flamethrower.

RobGoblin gave Londonbroil a constipated stare. "I'm not going to
search anymore! You're welcome to. We should be out there -- not here!
The greatest battle ever! And we're missing it!" Extreme
constipation flooded RobGoblin's face.

"I get you, mate," said Londonbroil with an understanding expression.
"But Mynabird said this was important. That we had to destroy them.
Destroy them all! Every single CD in Easily-Discovered Man Lite's
collection.

Revamp Lass thumbed through the various CDs. "The Best of Yanni? Billy
Ray Cyrus's Greatest Hits? The Donnie & Marie Chronicles? I'd say
we're actually doing Lite a favor by burning this collection."

"Ooh!" said Plum Master snatching one of the CDs. "The Yoko Ono
Anthology!! Err -- I mean -- it's the plums that want this CD -- not me
-- it's the plums!! Yes!!! The Plums!! Really, the plums like her
music -- I'm indifferent to it -- although you have to admit she is kind
of a misunderstood genius. It's just true!"

The Worm continued gnawing on some grass in his floating glass terrarium.

"Hey," said RobGoblin looking at a framed photo. "Why does Lite have a
photo of that Vector Sublime babe?!"

"Wishful Thinking?" suggested Londonbroil as he looked at the photo.

"You know -- there is something wrong here," said Revamp Lass as she
looked around the house. "Have you noticed how girlish this place
looks? With the frilly curtains? The pinkish color scheme? The
stuffed animals? This doesn't look like a place where a guy would live.
Even Lite." She looked around and found some mail. "What did you say
Lite's real name was?"

"Hector Lopez?"

"The addresses on this mail -- they all say 'Vector Lopez'," said Revamp
Lass shoving the mail into Londonbroil's face.

Londonbroil shrugged. "Maybe they're married?"

"Or maybe -- we're in the wrong house!"

Londonbroil rubbed his chin. "Well, we don't know that for sure. I
mean I guess we could go through the phone book -- and try to find
Lite's actual home or wherever he is. Which could takes tons and tons
of time. Or we could say, 'Hey, this is a person who has a name that
kind of sounds like Hector Lopez. And this person has a CD collection.
Isn't that close enough? Close enough for supervillain work?' And be
done with it. And move on to the better things in life. I don't know,
what do you blokes think?"

"I say screw it! This is the house!" said RobGoblin with constipated
determination on his face. "Better things to do with my time," he
continued to mumble.

"I'm good with this being the house," said Plum Master stuffing a few
more CDs into his spandex costume.

The Worm continued to ignore his teammates while gnawing on grass in his
floating glass terrarium.

"Very well, if you don't care -- I don't care," said Revamp Lass
stepping aside.

"Okay, then. Let's burn these sodding CDs!!" said Londonbroil putting
his flamethrowing on incinerate. "Burn, babies -- Burn!!" he screamed
as flames jutted out of his flamethrower.

"Do you really need to say that?" asked Revamp Lass.

"Well, it does help with the mood."


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Mynabird's cellphone tone rang (the theme song from Rocky if for some
reason you have to know). Mynabird held the phone to his metal suits
ear thingee.

"Special Elite Secret CD Collection Destroying Task Force -- you have
completed your mission? Lopez's CD collection is toast? Yes!
Excellent! Very Excellent! Well Done, General Londonbroil!" Mynabird
clicked his cellphone off. There. How does that feel, Lite? How does
it feel to know the CD collection you spent years painstakingly
collecting -- is now just a pile of ashes -- or whatever happens to CDs
when they burn up? Never to see them or hear them again. Gone. Never
to return. How does it feel, Lite? Not so good. And that? That is
just the beginning.

And now we get to the part -- the part of the story where I destroy your
loved ones. All of them.

But don't worry. I won't let you miss it. You'll be there -- watching
the whole thing -- as I destroy them. Destroy them all!!

Mynabird's cellphone rang again. "Yes? Hello? What? What do you mean
the cage isn't ready? How am I supposed to trap Easily-Discovered Man,
Cynical Lass, and Neil Patrick Harris over a pit filled with molten
asparagus and man-eating African horseflies? What?! What do you mean
you don't have any molten asparagus and man-eating African horseflies
either?! What is wrong with you people? I ordered this stuff months
ago? No -- I'm not going to be put on hold!! No!! Don't you dare put
me on -- Damn, they put me on hold." Mynabird crushed the phone with
his metal fist and hurled it at the battlefield.

Fine! He could deal with this. It was a small setback. He didn't need
a cage, molten asparagus, or man-eating African horseflies to destroy
Easily-Discovered Man Lite. He didn't have to make a big show of it.
All he needed were his big metal Mynabird hands to destroy him. To
finally crush him once and for all.

He looked out in the battlefield. This is it, Lite. Mynabird is coming!

This is the end!


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Occultism Kid found himself in what looked like some post-apocalyptic
wasteland. He saw some grubby looking people in rags warming themselves
in front of a flaming metal trashcan. It looked like some kind of
shantytown with various tents and other poorly put together structures
everywhere. Where was he?

He went over to one of the bigger tents that had the look of some kind
of command center that was next to some ruins. The ruins looked
familiar. Why did they look familiar? He went over to the tent and saw
another familiar face. It looked like Easily Discovered Man Lite
although he had an eye patch and various scars over his face. He was
wielding a gun with a spatula attached to it. He shot a couple of
rounds at some kids that were venturing close to a line on the dirt ground.

Occultism Kid made his way towards Lite and with a hand gesture caused
Lite's gun to fly out of his hands. A startled Lite looked around to
see who had did that. And he finally saw Occultism Kid. "Halt! Keep
back!" he shouted as he reached for the gun.

"Lite? Is that you? Why were you shooting at those kids?"

"Lite? Haven't been called that in years. It's Dawrknuss now days!"

"Darkness?"

"Dawrknuss!"

"Ah! So I take it Spelling Boy is dead in this future?"

Easily-Discovered Man Dawrknuss laughed. "Yeah, dead. Of course you're
dead too. Supposed to be, anyways. How did you do it? Come back? No
one ever comes back now days. They all stay dead. Prof. Joy.
Substitute. Frats. None of them. Not coming back. Just gone. Gone
forever."

"Sorry. As for me being here, it would be tough to explain -- as I'm
not sure where here is. But why were you shooting at those kids?"

"Kids? Just scaring them. Never kill kids. Can't cross the line. No
one can cross the line who isn't an LNH'r. Those are the rules. The
Lord's rules. And my job? Make sure that no one ever crosses the line.
Not a great job -- but -- keeps me from starving."

"I see. And who is this Lord?"

Dawrknuss laughed. "The Lord. He's The Lord! You don't want to meet
him. Trust me. You don't want to know who he is. My advice -- get out
of here. If you're smart. If not -- then go. Go in there. Go and
meet The Lord. Don't really care."

"You're not going to stop me?"

"Hey, your funeral. Course maybe you're already dead. Maybe. Hey.
Hey, OK. For old times sake -- want to hear a ninja joke?"

"Sure."

"Okay. Let me think. Oh, yeah. How many -- how many dead ninjas does
it take to screw in a umm -- what is it -- oh yeah -- a light bulb? A
light bulb."

Occultism Kid shrugged his hands. "I give up. How many dead ninjas
does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

Easily-Discovered Man Dawrknuss didn't answer. He just sort of stared
at his gun for a while. And a tear fell down his eye.

Occultism Kid entered the tent.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The tent was badly lit. Occultism Kid could see various people with
guns and other weapons. They had suspicious looks on their faces, but
none of them tried to stop him. He could feel some force pulling at
him. Occultism Kid didn't resist the force and made his way towards it.
It led him to a hole in the ground with a ladder sticking out. He
climbed down the ladder and saw that it led to some type of underground
bunker.

He saw various small people scurrying around. Gradgnomes? He made his
way to another room being guarded by men. They didn't bother to stop
him either.

As he entered the room, he could see what looked like Fearless Leader
cleaning his gun behind a desk. But something was very wrong. This
wasn't just some hard and bitter Fearless Leader from an Apocalyptic
Future. He looked straight into Fearless Leader's eyes and saw
something very twisted in them. Something corrupt. Fearless Leader
smiled a crooked smile at Occultism Kid. Now he knew what the force was
that had pulled him here. Now he knew why they were calling him The Lord.

"Acton Lord!"

The Lord gave a slight laugh. "You date yourself, Occultism Kid.
Fearless Lord -- that would be slightly more accurate. Although
everyone here -- they just call me The Lord. Which is fine by me.
Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"No. Not yet anyways. How did this happen?"

"Hmm. Dead or alive -- you don't seem to belong here. I sense a great
power within you. A power you don't seem to be able to control."

"First things first. How did this happen? Why do you have the
corruption force? What happened here?"

"A lot of things happened. I suppose if you want me to confess my sins
-- well, what the hell. What the hell. Might as well. Where did this
all start. Ah, let's see here. Oh, the Beige Clock Tower? Ripping
Dancer? Me winning the leadership election? Hmm. Guess it probably
started with Bart. Yes, Bart. Bart wanted me to throw the leadership
election so the Ultimate Ninja would win.

"Bart said that if I voted for the Ultimate Ninja instead of myself, he
would help me save Ripping Dancer. It seemed like some trick. Some
devil's bargain. Couldn't in good conscience make a deal with Bart. So
I told him to go to hell. And then I did everything I could possibly do
to make sure Ripping Dancer was safe from harm. But there are limits,
aren't there? You can't be everywhere. The news broke that she was a
spy. I tried to stop her from leaving the LNHHQ, but the Legion of
Net.Villains -- They attacked us and took her. By the time I had found
her she was -- she was already a pile of dust. She had committed
suicide. Committed suicide by touching the Tower. One touch. She was
dead. Dead. I took it bad. Lot of tears. I vowed on that day that I
would stop the Bryttle Brothers. I would stop them. Whatever it took.

"Whatever it took." The Lord laughed.

"So, I won the election. I was now the leader. My first decision was
to go after Bart. You -- or our Occultism Kid, whichever -- told us
that he needed those cosmic items that Bart had for some spell to stop
the Bryttles. So, I sent half the LNH -- led by the Ultimate Ninja to
stop Bart and get the items. And they all died. They all died. Bart
killed them all. In fact you were one of the heroes that was killed.
And none of them ever came back to life. Even Cannon Fodder stayed
dead. Bart must have changed something about the rules that day. He
teleported all of their corpses back to the Loonivearth, so we would
know that they were all dead.

"After that things were becoming desperate. A lot of LNH'rs wanted to
go after Bart for revenge, but I knew we couldn't risk any more lives.
We needed every LNH here. Things were becoming crazy. Mynabird's LNV
was becoming bigger and bigger everyday. We needed more LNH'rs. And so
I made an alliance. An Alliance with the HexFire Club. I didn't like
the idea of the Freedom Chip, but we didn't have a whole lot of choices
anymore. We needed more heroes to stop the LNV and the Bryttles. And
so I made a devil's bargain with Hex. And I made more deals and more
deals. Saving the world was the only important thing now. And the ends
justified the means.

"There were of course rebellious factions in the LNH who weren't pleased
with my various deals. And so I dealt with them. Everything I did made
sense at the time. And when I killed Charlie Risk and accepted the
Corruption Force into me that made sense too. I needed the power. I
needed that power. To save the world. It all made sense.

"Anyway, we won. Billions died, but we saved the Looniverse from the
Bryttles. Funny thing -- Hex was assassinated the day after we had won.
All his grand plans. After that the LNH and HexFire carved up the
world. The LNH got North America and each member of the HexFire got his
own little continent. And now days we spend our time fighting and
allying with each other. A never ending war. Of course, I'm the one
who is really in charge. I've already corrupted the various advisors
and others that my fellow tyrants rely on. So every important decision
that anyone makes -- it's me that makes it. My hand is on all of the
strings.

"There's a terrorist group that calls itself the Saviours of the Net --
based somewhere in Canada. Various ex-LNHrs and so on are a part of it.
Trying to overthrow my regime. They'll never win though. They just
don't have the will. Not like me. To do whatever it takes to win.
They're not like me. Not like me at all. Nope. And so that's my
story. That's my little confession. That's how I got here. And what
about you, little ghost? What is your little story?"

"I'm from another world. A world where you saved Ripping Dancer."

The Lord frowned and put the gun he'd been cleaning down on the table.
"That's nice. I think it's time for you to go, little ghost. You don't
belong here. Not yet anyways."

"Oh and," said The Lord with a smile, "All that power you have? Well,
of course you know what they say about power..." And then he waved his
hand.

And Occultism Kid slipped away into some type of a vortex.



**** <<--BM-->> ****

LNHHQ MedLab --

"There was this girl -- in first grade. Amanda -- that was her name,"
said Fearless Leader talking to Ripping Dancer who was still comatose --
still barely alive. "We were -- we were seated next to each other. I
remember once that I was drawing some picture -- and Amanda laughed at
it -- said it looked very stupid, or something like that. And that made
me angry, so I punched her in the stomach. I just punched her. And I
remember our First Grade teacher scolding us both for it. How I
shouldn't hit girls because that was wrong. And how she shouldn't call
other peoples' drawings stupid. Actually, I think I got off fairly easy
for that. Probably, should have gotten more than a scolding for that.
Anyway, we both went to the same school all the way to High School. We
weren't exactly friends or anything, but we'd occasionally talk to each
other as classmates. I had a crush on her, but I never told her. She
had a very sharp tongue. I knew if I ever expressed any feelings she
would have probably made fun of me. Who knows -- maybe she wouldn't have."

"Anyway, both of us graduated and went our separate ways. I went to
West Point. She went to -- I think Dave Thomas Deluxe University. And
one day when I was on break and went back to my hometown -- I read
something in the local paper about her. She had been murdered. Stabbed
by some guy. Dead at 19. Murdered. I think -- I think that was the
first person that I had ever known who had died young. They caught the
guy. Gave him the death penalty. I don't know if they ever executed
him. Well, regardless he's dead now. Dead."

"You know -- it's funny. Funny. Just thinking about my old classmates
-- I realized something. They're all dead. Every single one of them.
And so are the teachers. All my friends. Every instructor. Every
relative. Every co-worker. Every celebrity. Every singe person up to
a point in my life. They're all dead. Just realized that. It's
amazing. So many people. And they're all dead. And I'm still here.
All dead."

"Shouldn't be here. Should be out there fighting Mynabird. Fighting
him and all of the other villains. Helping my teammates. Fighting the
good fight."

"Yeah, maybe you should," said a helpful Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner who was
also in the room with them monitoring Ripping Dancer's vitals.

Fearless Leader ignored him. "But -- but it all feels pointless. I
know there is nothing I can do for you anymore. That I should go out
there and help my teammates that still might have a chance. Can't --
can't seem to do it though. Seems like no matter how hard I fight -- it
all just goes to hell anyways. Like I'm cursed. Cursed. Everything I
loved is doomed no matter what I do. I thought it would be different
this time. It was supposed to be different. I was sent to this world
as a second chance. And I thought I could do it. And then the Tower
came. But it was okay because you were with me. You were with me. And
we'd beat it because we were together. I was going to save you. I was
going to save the world. That's what was supposed to happen. But I
guess it isn't. You're probably going to die. And this world is going
to die too. I think I'm starting to realize that. It's becoming clear.
And me going out there? Going out there for a few pointless fights?
That's not going to change anything. It's not going to change anything!"

"I don't know, Tara. I don't know. I don't know. I feel like giving
up, but -- but I don't want to. I don't want to do that. I don't want
to. You need to fight this, Tara. You need to fight it. Somehow you
need to use your powers and rip this disease right out of you even if
that sounds impossible. You've got to do this, Dancer. You need to
come back. Please. Please."

Fearless Leader gently took Ripping Dancer's lifeless hand and just held
it. "You've got to come back to life, Tara. I can't give up. I just
can't do that. But I'm afraid that's where I'm headed. Part of me
doesn't care anymore. And that part is growing. I don't have the
strength anymore."

"Tara," said Fearless Leader. And then he stopped speaking. He just
held her hand and closed his eyes. And waited. Waited for something.

Something that would make him care.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

"Welcome back. Welcome back to the Sane Asylum!" greeted Bart who was
paddling on some type of a raft. Occultism Kid looked down at the raft
and noticed that it was made up of dead bodies. Dead LNH'r bodies.

"God. What did you do here, Bart?"

"Do? I'm not sure what you're talking about?"

"These dead bodies! This raft made out of dead LNH'rs!"

"Raft?" said Bart with a puzzled expressing continuing to row and row.
"And dead bodies, huh. Interesting."

Occultism Kid looked at the water surrounding them. It looked like
blood. Another hallucination. He was still in the Insanity Gauntlet.
"Where are we going?"

"To the island. We have to go to the island. To make a choice."

"A choice?"

Bart nodded. "You see something -- something has gone wrong. All of
you is trapped and it should only be a little part. A little part of you."

"What -- what the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm not really, Bart -- well in a way I am, but I'm only a small
fragment of Bart that the Insanity Gauntlet took. It always takes a
small fragment of each host -- that is the price for using it. But for
some reason it took all of you. And that shouldn't happen. Nope. And
it is causing very bad stuff to happen in the Gauntlet. Very bad stuff."

"What type of bad stuff?"

Bart smiled. "It doesn't really matter, but we do need to get most of
you out of here before it's too late."

"Right. Okay. How are we going to do that?"

"We need to choose. Yes, we need to choose. Choose one of you. The
one who gets to leave. And the one -- the one who stays."

"What do you mean, choose which one? I'm the only one here!"

"Are you now?" said Bart with a sly grin. Bart then gestured towards
someone beside him.

Occultism Kid turned his head and saw someone that looked exactly like him.

"Occultism Kid B meet Occultism Kid A."


**** <<--BM-->> ****

End of Part II

Tomorrow: Part III!

Arthur "Death to Beige Midnight!" Spitzer

LNH/NTB: Beige Midnight #10: PLANET MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!! III:
"Absolute Mite" (3/4)

Part III



The two Occultism Kids and Bart had reached the island.

"Okay. Why am I 'Occultism Kid B'?" asked Occultism Kid B.

"Look. It doesn't really matter," said Occultism Kid A, "I don't like
this whole thing anymore than you, but there are much bigger things that
we need to focus on -- we need to escape so we can stop the Bryttles."

"Well, agreed -- still it appears only one of us will be allowed to
leave. And which one of us is that going to be Bart?"

Bart didn't speak. He just smiled away while shuffling a deck of cards.
And then he said, "Pick a card -- any card."

"No," said Occultism Kid B shaking his head. "I refuse to take part in
this."

"I don't trust Bart either," said Occultism Kid A, "But --maybe we
should play along if this can help us escape." Occultism Kid A picked a
card from Bart's hand. It had a picture of a bunch of lemmings falling
off a cliff and playing musical instruments while they fell.

"Ah, The Lemmings Jamboree. Very Good Choice," said Bart nodding his
head with approval. "Now you." He turned his attention toward
Occultism Kid B. "You might as well make a choice. If you don't,
you'll lose the game regardless. So pick a card -- any card." Bart smiled.

Occultism Kid B reluctantly made a choice. It was a card that showed a
unicycle that appeared to be blushing.

"Oh, the Naked Unicycle," said Bart shaking his head grimly. "Not your
lucky day, is it -- well, then it is decided. Occultism Kid A shall
escape and save the Looniverse. And Occultism Kid B shall remain in the
Insanity Gauntlet till the end of his days."

"No!" shouted Occultism Kid B. "This is insane! I'm not going be
imprisoned here because of some stupid card game!"

"I agree," said Occultism Kid A. "Either we both go together. Or we
stay here."

"Fine," said Bart. "You both can stay here and let the Looniverse be
consumed by the Bryttles. I don't really care."

"No," said Occultism Kid A. "I can't let that happen." He looked at
Occultism Kid B. "You go -- I'll stay here. One of us needs to stop
the Bryttles."

Occultism Kid B looked at his doppelganger. Was this some ploy? A
trick? Or was it actually genuine. Some part of him wanted to take the
doppelgangers offer. But he couldn't escape that way. It wouldn't be
right. The doppelganger had won the contest. Obviously he was meant to
escape and save the Looniverse. And Occultism Kid B's fate was to stay
in the Gauntlet forever and ever. "No. I can't condemn you to this
place. You won the contest. You were meant to escape. You need to go."

"Are you sure?" said Occultism Kid A.

"No, but we don't really have much of a choice, do we? Go, before I
change my mind."

Occultism Kid A put his hand on Occultism Kid B's shoulder. "I promise
you that once I'm out and have stopped the Bryttles -- I'll find some
way to get you out. I promise."

"Yeah, okay. Please -- just go."

Occultism Kid A nodded and then both he and Bart got back in the raft
made out of dead LNH'rs and started to row away. Occultism Kid B just
looked at them.

And then Bart said one last thing. "Oh, and OK don't worry. I will
return someday. Promise."

"Yeah, when?"

"When you've completely lost your mind," laughed Bart. "Later."

And Occultism Kid watched them till they both vanished into the horizon.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Occultism Kid looked around the island. It looked like your typical
deserted island full of palm trees and coconut palms. After doing a
little searching he found a bunch of vending machines. All of them
looked ordinary except for the biggest one. He looked at its label.
Something called 'The Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches'. It had an
Out-of-Order sign pinned on it. Behind the vending machines was this
big glass structure that sort of looked like a tiny city. There were
tons of ants crawling around in the glass. Some type of an ant farm?

Next to the ant farm was some device. A remote control. Occultism Kid
picked it up and studied it a bit. It looked like an ordinary tv
remote. He pushed the power button. He could hear people talking. He
looked up. In one of the palm trees was a tv. On the screen were
various trenchcoaters holding hands in a circle. And he could see
himself. He was wielding the Gauntlet, Plot Device, and Ring. It was
the doppelganger. Obviously, he had gotten out.

He watched the doppelganger start to crackle with power. Something was
about to happen.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Occultism Kid continued to watch. His doppelganger had succeeded. He
had stopped the Bryttles and saved the Looniverse. A number of
trenchcoaters had died and there was a battle between a power mad
Occultism Kid and the LNH, but in the end the LNH managed to stop
Occultism Kid and free him from the various cosmic items. Beige
Midnight was over. It was finally over.

Occultism Kid clicked the TV off. He supposed he should be happy. The
Looniverse was safe. But he felt bitter. He was stuck here. This
wasn't fair.

Occultism Kid turned the TV back on. And he looked bitterly at his free
doppelganger counterpart.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Weeks went by.

Occultism Kid continued to watch the TV daily watching his doppelganger
live his life. The doppelganger didn't seem to be doing anything to
find a way to help free him from the Insanity Gauntlet. In fact the
doppelganger had taken a leave of absence from the LNH and wasn't doing
much that was magical anymore. The doppelganger had moved to a house in
the suburbs and was going on dates and stuff. One of the girls the
doppelganger dated eventually became the doppelgangers girlfriend. And
then they became engaged. And then they became married.

Occultism Kid watched the doppelganger have a big wedding with the full
LNH in attendance. A rather boring wedding at that. No massive
supervillain attacks like there usually were. After the wedding, the
doppelganger retired from the LNH to live an ordinary life.

It made Occultism Kid think about his own life. It had mostly been one
of studying spells and fighting magical menaces for the LNH. He had
never really had much time for a social life. He would occasionally
hang out with the other LNH'rs and other magical types, but most of his
life had been devoted to finding the secrets of the Looniverse. His
entire life suddenly felt very empty. He knew if the reverse had
happened, he wouldn't have made the same choices the doppelganger had.
His life was magic and the LNH. But had that been a mistake? It wasn't
being an LNH'r that had sucked away his life. Other LNH'rs had
certainly found the time to have vast complex soap operas in their
lives. Why hadn't he?

Well, it was too late now. He was stuck here. And apparently forgotten
by everyone.

Occultism Kid clicked the TV off.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Years and Decades went by.

Occultism Kid; now with shaggy hair, shaggy beard, and ragged clothes;
continued to watch his doppelganger on the TV. The doppelganger had a
full family of kids and a whacky next-door neighbor now. It all felt
like a bad sitcom. Eventually, Occultism Kid stopped watching it. It
just depressed him. He had to find a way to escape this place. Maybe
he could build a raft out of trees. Still, he wasn't sure how far the
nearest place was or where it was. And the blood sea that surrounded
him was poison. If he didn't drown -- then one drop would be enough to
kill him.

He had also tried to do some spells with no success. This island was
clearly anti-magic. There was also some part of him that began to
wonder if this whole place was just a trick. That there was no
doppelganger. That Beige Midnight was still out there. That he still
had access to the Gauntlet, Plot Device, and Ring.

But he couldn't feel them.

He looked at the blood sea. To go out there would be death. There had
to be a better way.

He looked at the glass city filled with ants. It reminded him of
Net.ropolis. He even imagined that there was a group of super ants that
protected the city like the LNH. He began to give all of the ants
names. And he even began to think he could hear their thoughts.

As he began to become more and more obsessed with the ants, he
remembered Bart's promise -- about coming back when he had completely
lost his mind.

Occultism Kid laughed. He was getting closer to that.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The Glass Ant City was becoming bigger and bigger -- and more
technically advanced. The group of super ants that Occultism Kid had
decided to call the Legion of Net.Ants, had managed to completely stop
all of the more destructive ants in this ant society and now had the
free time to use their powers to create a better ant city. The super
ant scientists (Occultism Kid had given them the names Ant Kirby,
Particle Ant, and Ant Stomper) had now created a factory for robot ants
that would now do all the work for the ants leaving the ants free time
for higher pursuits. And after the super scientist ants had cured all
of the ant diseases and every other problem, they began to work on a
very big machine.

The machine looked like a particle accelerator. The ants were planning
to break and break apart the sands on the island till they had uncovered
the secret. The secret of everything. The ant super scientists had
various theories about what their world was made of (including one
theory that their world was actually a Gauntlet with Gems, which
impressed Occultism Kid). They broke the Insanity sand piece till it
was Insanity Atoms. Then they broke the Insanity Atoms into Insanity
Protons and Insanity Electrons. And then Insanity Protons into Insanity
Quarks, Insanity Leptons, and Insanity Bosons. Splitting, Splitting,
Splitting. Split. Split. Split. Split.

Occultism Kid didn't like where this was going. He wondered if he
should try and stop them. But he just watched.

And finally they broke the Insanity quarks down and saw what everything
was made of. Worms. Insanity Worms. That was what everything was made
of. They were the secret of everything. But they couldn't contain
them. And the Insanity Worms escaped from the cage the super ant
scientists had put them in. And they began to spread.

Occultism Kid knew that it was too late now. And he couldn't do
anything to help the ants. The Insanity Worms infected the ants and
began to control everyone of them. The Ant Society broke down and
madness reigned. The madness took control of the robot ants turning
them into killer robot ants. And there was mass murder and mass
suicide. It was the end of Ant Paradise. Within a week, every single
ant was dead. And the Insanity Worms kept spreading. And they were in
everything. But then again -- they had always been in everything.

Occultism Kid made a tombstone for the Glass Ant City now filled with
ant corpses. And he cried for these dead ants. And he cried.

And Occultism Kid was alone again.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

And time went by...

And Bart came back.

"I told ya. I told you I'd come back. So -- Are you completely
bonkers, yet?"

Occultism Kid didn't answer right away. He just stared at Bart for a
while as if trying to remember who he was. And then eventually he said,
"The ants break break break. And the worms? They take take take..."

"Okay," said Bart. "I'll take that as a yes. Time to go home, OK."

And Occultism Kid stepped on the raft. And then he took one look back
at the island. The island and the dead glass ant city.

"Yes. Go home," nodded Occultism Kid. "Go home."


**** <<--BM-->> ****

And both Bart and Occultism Kid made it to shore. Net.ropolis looked
different, thought Occultism Kid, More Cartoony -- less real.

"Well, you're home. Guess I'll be going," said Bart.

"Wait. Where are you going?" asked Occultism Kid.

"Nowhere. I don't exist," laughed Bart. And then he vanished.

"Right. Stupid question." Occultism could feel his powers back. He
could feel the magic flowing within him again. He began to rise above
the ground. And then started to fly towards the LNHHQ.

He noticed as he looked down below that there were no people. The
people were gone. Replaced. Replaced by worms. Gigantic worms.
Cartoony worms that were driving cars and doing the various tasks that
the humans used to do.

As Occultism Kid got closer to the LNHHQ, he smelled something very
tasty. It was a barbecue type smell. He could see hundreds of worms
having some type of a party on the LNHHQ's lawn. Worms with chef hats
were grilling various foods. And then he saw something that looked like
a gigantic brain with various worms gnawing away on it. He landed near
one of the chef hatted worms.

"Ah, Good come! Good come, Occultism Human!" said the chef hatted worm.
"Have eats! Good eats! Mmm, brain! Brain good! Tasty!" said the
worm offering Occultism Kid a plate of grilled brain drenched in
barbecue sauce.

"No, that's..." and the Occultism Kid looked up at the gigantic brain
that all of the worms were devouring. "That's my brain! You're eating
my brain!!" Occultism Kid then swatted the plate out of the worm's
hands and rose into the air. "Stop it!! Stop eating my brain!!! Stop!!"

But the worms ignored the silly shouting human and continued to feast on
the gigantic brain. And Occultism Kid crackled with power and began
blasting away at the worms. And then he focused his powers on the
ground causing it to open up and swallow the worm barbecue party into a
dark chasm.

The chef hatted worm cried out. "No! Why hurt we? Us only eat brain.
Us no harm you! Us good worms!! Why you dead we?"

Occultism Kid didn't bother to answer. He kept killing the worms till
they were all dead. And then he looked at his brain with chunks torn
from it. It didn't matter. He had done nothing. The worms weren't out
here. They were in his mind. Occultism Kid thought about blasting his
brain, but realized that would probably kill him.

They were in his head. And ripping and ripping it apart.

He had to get out of here. Before it was all gone.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

And seconds or millions of years later...

Where was he?

It was blank. Nothing. Just absolute whiteness. How did he get here?
How could he escape? Was he still in the Insanity Gauntlet?

Can't stay here forever. Or maybe he could.

This reminded him of something. Something from the past. Or was it?

The Past. It was when he was still an apprentice to the August One.
Back when the August One was Occultism Kid. Before the Cry.Sig. Before
everything changed.

He was trapped in a box. No light. All he could hear was the August
One's voice.

"There are doors everywhere, young one. Magic is knowing where the
doors are. Magic is knowing how to open them."

"I can't see anything, Master. There is no light! I can't see!"

"There is always light. Always. All you have to do is imagine it, and
there it is. It is always there."

"I -- I don't understand. How do I get out of here?"

"Use your imagination. That is the key. That is always the key."

Occultism Kid couldn't remember how he had escaped from the box, but he
had. Imagination.

He focused on the blankness that seemed to go on forever. Think. Think
about a door.

And a door appeared. But where did the door go to? Escape. Escape
from the Insanity Gauntlet. And he wrote on the door, 'To Escape from
the Insanity Gauntlet go through this door'. And then he tried to turn
the knob. It was locked. In frustration, he tried to force the knob
open and then began to use his body weight to break it open. But it
wouldn't open.

Then he just stared at the door. He stared for the longest time. What
was he doing wrong? Why wouldn't it open? And then he slapped his
head. Of course! Of course! He erased the word 'door' from the door
and replaced it with the words 'unlocked door'. And then he tried
again. And he turned the knob and it opened. And a burst of light
swallowed him.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

And he was back. Back in the circle of trenchcoaters. Or was he? Was
this just another mind game in the Insanity Gauntlet. No, can't think
that way. Need to believe this is real. Have to.

"Occultism Kid! What happened? Where did you go?" said Kid Anarky.

"I -- I don't know. How long was I gone?"

"12 minutes or so."

"Still have time then." He looked at the brilliant gems that sparkled
madness covering his hand. And he looked at the trenchcoaters that
surrounded him. Why did they all look so fake? They looked like words
and sentences. Nothing felt real anymore. Had he escaped? No, stop
thinking like that. Got to stop the Bryttles!

He opened the Book of Deus ex Machinas back up. Only there were no
spells in it. It looked like a comic book. He looked at the words and
pictures.

It was telling a story set during World War II. It showed a younger
looking Phil M Noirish and his servant Sanchez reading a comic book that
had Boy Lad mooning Hitler. No, it wasn't a comic. It was the Book of
Deus ex Machinas. What was this? He continued to flip through the
book. And then he saw a panel that had a picture of him. He was
researching something in the LNHHQ. He stared long at that panel and
suddenly realized that he was in the LNHHQ library. He saw Catalyst
Lass talking to Occultism Kid. Why was this familiar? Yes! This was
the past. Beige Countdown. That is where he was.

He watched Catalyst Lass walk off with a hurt expression on her face.
Could anyone see him? What was he thinking? His head hurt. The worms.
They were still in his head. Why was he here? He looked and saw his
past self starting to walk towards him. Why was he here? He was
looking at me. He can see me.

"Quit the charade, Bart. I know it's you," said his past self.

Who was he talking to? Was Bart here? No, it is me. It is -- what was
he thinking about? Hard to think. Head hurting. Maybe he knows.

Must talk. "Where am I? Are you me? Yes. Past me. I must be -- Yes,
the past. Why am I here? Oh, yes."

His past self was looking at him with a skeptical look. The worms --
what about the worms? Ah, yes. "Worms are in my brain. Eating away
and eating away." He began to laugh. It was very funny. He began to
feel things beyond himself. The past. The future. He could see
everything. He watched Mynabird and the Legion of Net.Freedom Lovers
mowing down the LNH. Heroes and Villains were dying. Something had
gone wrong with the world. Why was he here? "It hurts. It's cracking.
Everyone is dying. I can see too much. Too much! All of it! All
the stories that have been written and that will be written. And all
the stories that won't be written. All of them! I see them all."

"It's the Insanity Gauntlet, isn't it? It's destroying your brain. Why
are you wearing it? You're from Beige Midnight, aren't you? Why are
you here?"

Why was he here? Must think. "Have to be. Always been here. Need to
stop. Stop something. That's why I came. Thinking is becoming hard.
Casting a spell. That's why I'm wearing the Gauntlet. Have to wear it
to cast the spell from the Book. The Book. The Book of Deus ex Machinas."

"You've got the book? It exists? Where did you find it?"

Was that why he was here? Could he change the past? If he prevented
his past self from finding the Book of Deus ex Machinas would that stop
Dekay and Diskolor from escaping? Could he do that? "Can I change it?
Or does it matter?" he spoke aloud. "Does it happen whatever choice I
make? Will they escape regardless? They can't be stopped. I shouldn't
be here."

"Who are you talking about? The Bryttle Brothers? I need your help
finding the book."

"Maybe it's too late to change. Maybe I should tell him. I'll need the
book. Perhaps it doesn't matter. Yes. The Book of Deus ex Machinas."
Where was it? Oh, yes. He had it. No. That's not what was being
asked. The Paper. What was his name? Can't remember. Can't... Pulls
Paper. Yes. Him. "The Paper Puller knows where it is. Find him."

"The Paper Puller. What's that -- oh wait. Do you mean
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad? Is that who you're talking about?"

Something was going wrong back at the sub-sub basement. Time began to
get faster and faster. Bad things were happening. "Peril Room safeties
are starting to fail. It's falling apart. All our enemies have
gathered. Too many of them. The force field is cracking. They're
coming in! Dekay and Diskolor are waking. Everyone is dying! I need
to go back. Stop this! Help them. Need to help them. Need to..."
And then he was back in the trenchcoater circle.

Where had he been? Hard to think.

Hard to think.



**** <<--BM-->> ****

He continued to flip through the Book of Deus ex Machinas. It showed
various scenes with him trapped in the Insanity Gauntlet. And then he
saw a panel of himself reading the Book of Deus ex Machinas. He looked
past that panel. There was another panel. One that depicted a door in
outer space surrounded by galaxies and stars. Where did that door go to?

He found himself floating next to the door. He turned the knob. And he
saw a gigantic Bart the size of a mountain looming over everything and
typing on a gigantic keyboard next to a gigantic computer screen.

"Ah, finally! Bout time," smiled Bart.

"What -- what is this place?"

"This? It's where the sausage gets made."


**** <<--BM-->> ****

"Hmm," said Bart. "Seem to be stuck here. Could you say something clever?"

"Something clever?" said Occultism Kid.

Bart rolled his eyes. "Guess that's why you fictional characters don't
write your own dialogue. Oh well. Not like very many people read this
crap anyways." Bart typed some more words.

"What -- what are you doing?"

"Writing this story. Writing Beige Midnight #10. This is where the
magic happens."

"I -- uh can't..." It was getting harder for Occultism Kid to think.
The Insanity worms were continuing to tear away at his brain. "Can't --
worms -- worms are..."

"Ah, the worms. Let's get rid of those pesky worms for the moment."
Bart snapped his fingers. "Because it will become very irritating for
me if you're constantly screaming, 'The worms are eating my brains,'
during this conversation of ours."

Occultism Kid's head felt clearheaded again. "You're not Bart. You're
too powerful. You're a RACCelestial. A Writer -- aren't you?"

"If that would make you happy, you can think that," said Bart
cryptically typing some more words.

"You created Dekay and Diskolor?"

"No, just borrowing them. It was a RACCelestial named Scavenger who
created them."

"Why did the RACCelestials create them? They'll destroy everything?"

"Because it amuses them?" said Bart. And then he shook his head.
"Well, okay -- that's kind of true, but there is more to it than that.
They were created to destroy you -- and USENET should there ever be a
time when the LNH and USENET were no longer needed. 1992 -- Beige Noon,
that was a test run to see how well they worked. But now it is the real
deal -- and there is nothing you can do to stop them Occultism Kid."

"That makes no sense! Why would the RACCelestials want to destroy
USENET? They live on USENET!"

"Well, they used," said Bart typing some more. "There has been a
massive exodus for the past ten years to various other places on the NET
like the Blogosphere, Twitteropia, and Facebookhalla. Once where there
were thousands of posters in massive cities scattered throughout USENET
-- now days they are just ghost towns with only a handful of posters --
and most of those are just trolls and sphammers. And there will come a
time when even the trolls and sphammers abandon the newsgroups and all
that will be left are Dekay and Diskolor. The RACCelestials created the
LNH specifically to protect USENET. And now -- they no longer need you."

"You're lying! While I admit there has been some traffic decrease --
it's not as bad as you're saying it is. USENET is not dying!"

"You're looking at this from 2008 eyes, Occultism Kid. Me -- I can see
2012. I think I'm the better judge. USENET is dying. Sorry you had to
find out this way."

"But wait -- if you're from 2012 -- that must mean that the LNH did beat
the Bryttles! They were or will kill us in April, 29th 2008. But if
you're saying that USENET still exists in 2012 that must mean that we
won. We beat them!"

"Does it now?" said Bart with a sly smile on his face. "You're assuming
that all of Beige Midnight takes place in 2008. I think that would be a
mistake to assume."

"Wait -- what are you saying?"

"Oh, you'll find out in Beige Midnight #12. But enough of that -- let's
move on to some more interesting topics. And choices. It's Sophie's
Choice time. Ready?"

"No. What is the point of this then -- if the LNH is going to die no
matter what I do here?"

"Did I say that? No, I said that the LNH was no longer needed, but it
is certainly possible that you could do something here that could save
the LNH and stop the Bryttles. This is still possible. Any thing might
happen."

"Then how do I stop them?"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. First things first -- a gift. A
gift for getting this far from me to you."

"I don't think I want a gift from you."

"Ah, you hurt my feelings," laughed Bart. "But I think you might want
it. It's your first choice."

"Yeah -- and?"

"I can bring the Gothic Gorilla back to life." Bart snapped is fingers
and the burned skeleton of the Gothic Gorilla came into view.

"Or," Bart said with another snap of the fingers. "I can cure Ripping
Dancer's cancer and she'll be completely healthy again." Occultism Kid
saw an image of Fearless Leader by a comatose Ripping Dancer. "And all
you have to do is -- choose. Gothic Gorilla -- or Ripping Dancer."

"And if I choose neither?"

"Then Ripping Dancer dies. And Gothic Gorilla stays dead. It's up to
you. I won't force you to choose."

"But," said Bart continuing, "You might want to think this over
carefully. Very carefully. This choice of yours -- it could have a
great effect on the upcoming battle. Obviously of the two of them, the
Gothic Gorilla is the more formidable opponent and would be a better
choice in a fight with the Bryttles. In fact it would probably be a bad
idea for Ripping Dancer to ever use her potions again since they would
most likely just give her cancer again. And weren't you good friends
with the Gothic Gorilla. I seem to remember that. And Ripping Dancer?
The two of you weren't that close. You went on that mission to Retcon
Hour together, but that's about it. I guess when you start thinking
about all of the factors, it becomes a pretty obvious choice when you
think about it, doesn't it?"

"I suppose it does," said Occultism Kid.

"Well, have you made up your mind? Gothic Gorilla -- or Ripping Dancer?"

Occultism Kid looked at the burned skeleton of the Gothic Gorilla. His
dead friend. "Yes. I've made a choice."


**** <<--BM-->> ****

End of Part III

Tomorrow: The Final Part of Beige Midnight #10!

LNH/NTB: Beige Midnight #10: PLANET MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!! III:
"Absolute Mite" (4/4)

Part IV



As Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man thrashed the Injoker with a
six-pack of Mr. Paprika ('Now that's a Man's Tool for Senseless
Brutality!'), he saw a familiar face coming towards him. It couldn't
be, could it? He stopped beating the totally unconscious Injoker and
prepared himself for anything.

"Is that you?" said Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man slightly in shock
as the gorilla in the black trenchcoat came close.

"Yes," said the trenchcoated gorilla, "Yes, old friend. It is me --
The..." And then suddenly from out of nowhere one of those cartoony
mechanical boxing gloves came flying out of the gorilla's trenchcoat and
smacked the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man right in the face. "The
Gotcha Gorilla! You've been -- Gotcha'd!!! Hah, you should have seen
your face. Thought I was the Gothic Gorilla, didn't you? And that
expression on your face after the boxing glove hit you -- Priceless!
You were totally -- Gotcha'd!!"

"I see," said the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man dusting himself off.
And then the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man proceeded to break
every single bone in the Gotcha Gorilla's body.

Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man didn't have the greatest sense of humor.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner saw something weird as he looked at Ripping
Dancer's vitals. "That's odd. What the -- what the hell is going on here?"

"Is there a problem?" said Fearless lifting his eyes from Ripping Dancer
towards Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner.

"I'm not sure. I'd hate to get your hopes up -- but according to the
readings -- No, that can't be right. Well, according to this there
doesn't seem to be any problems. Any problems at all. Maybe -- maybe
it's a technical glitch or a..."

"What are you...?" And then Fearless Leader felt Ripping Dancer's hand
start to grip his tightly. He looked back and saw her eyes open up.
"Tara?"

"You need to go," Tara Shreds started to say. "The LNH needs you. You
need to help them."

"Tara! I uh... What's happening here, Doc? Is she -- is she...?"

"I don't know. According to the readings, she doesn't have cancer
anymore. If that can be believed. According to them, she's completely
healthy. She's cured."

"She's...?"

"I feel fine, Felix. I don't -- don't know what happened, but -- I feel
great. I feel..."

"My God. This is..." Felix didn't finish that thought. Instead he
gave her a big hug. "I thought -- I thought I'd lost..."

"It's okay, Felix. It's okay," said Tara as she comforted Fearless
Leader. "I'm fine. This can wait. But the LNH -- the LNH needs you.
You need to go to them. You need to help them."

"You're right. I need to..." And then he gave Tara a huge kiss. "I'll
be back. Don't go anywhere."

"Okay," smiled Tara Shreds formally known as the superhero called the
Ripping Dancer. "I'll be here. Good luck!"

Fearless Leader gave a nod as he rushed out to battle the hordes of
villains out there.

She's cured.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

"Interesting choice," said Bart watching the scene. "Mind me asking why
you made that particular choice?"

"I've read 'The Monkey's Paw'. Well, what's next?"

"What's next? Why the good part. This is where you save the
Looniverse. Or -- you let everyone die." Bart smiled.

"Your choice."



**** <<--BM-->> ****

"Haven't you always wanted to play God?" said Bart as he created a
Universe with one hand and crushed it with the other. "Isn't that what
all of you magicians secretly desire? Power over everything?"

"No. I'm interested in knowledge."

"Ah, but who knows more than God?"

"Is there a point to all this?"

"No. Not really. Well, I guess it's save the Looniverse time." Bart
snapped his fingers. Both he and Occultism Kid were transported to
Net.ropolis near the spot where Dekay and Diskolor were sleeping on
their thrones. "There they are. You've got the power of the Cosmic
Plot Device, Ring of Retconn, Insanity Gauntlet, and Book of Deus ex
Machinas at your disposal. It shouldn't take much more than a snap of
the fingers to destroy both of them. And afterwards you'll probably get
some kind of a victory parade for saving the Looniverse. One snap.
That simple."

"Just that simple? Right. So -- what's the catch?"

"The catch?" laughed Bart. "Oh, right. I guess there is a catch.
Well, you'll of course use a lot of power killing Dekay and Diskolor.
Quite a lot. You'll almost be completely drained and not be in much
shape to do much of anything afterwards. Certainly not be able to save
Net.ropolis or -- the LNH."

"What happens to Net.ropolis and the LNH?"

"Well, the LNH actually survives -- kind of." Bart shifted the two of
them closer to the battle so Occultism Kid could see his fellow LNH'rs
as they fought against millions of villains. "I mean considering the
odds -- 500 or so heroes against 3 million villains? I mean it's kind
of amazing that any LNH'rs could survive that -- but a few will -- ten
to be exact. And with you and Kid Anarky also surviving that makes it a
cool dozen."

"And Net.ropolis?"

"Ah, here." The scene shifted to an underground bunker in
Web.Surf.City. Occultism Kid could see the President and his various
advisors frozen in time. And he could see that the President was about
to push some big beige button. It suddenly dawned on Occultism Kid what
that button was for. "No, he couldn't. Why? Why would he ever...?"

"They're afraid, Occultism Kid. They're afraid of what's happening in
Net.ropolis -- that it will spread across the world. And they're afraid
that the LNH won't win."

"It's senseless. Insane. What happens if I save the LNH and Net.ropolis?"

"Then you won't have the power to stop the Bryttles. And all this was
for naught. Oh -- and some trenchcoaters will probably die. But that
usually happens."

They shifted towards a scene of a frozen Occultism Kid surround by 57.5
trenchcoaters as the Insanity Gauntlet crackled on his hand oblivious to
frozen time.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

"Wait! What about the trenchcoaters? Why are they going to die?"

Bart looked at him like it was stupid question. "Blood lust -- the Book
of Deus ex Machinas has a thirst for blood. Surely you knew that?"

"But the trenchcoaters can't die as long as..."

"As long as the Peril Room safeties are still operational?" smiled Bart.

"The invisible force! I forgot about it. Well, I'll just have to use
the..."

"Insanity Gauntlet to bring back the safeties? That's an idea -- except
of course you'll probably have to use a lot of power to stop the force."

"What is the invisible force, Bart?"

"Oh, come on -- you know what it is. Isn't it completely obvious?"

Occultism Kid thought about it for a few seconds. And then he realized
what he was battling with. "It's the Book of Deus ex Machina, isn't it?
And now that I think about it -- it's you isn't it? You're not a
Writer -- or RACCelestial. You're the Book of Deux ex Machinas."

"You're beginning to catch on."

"Why Bart?"

"Because it amuses me -- what other reason do I need? Oh, and hopefully
it brings memories of how Bart tricked you into freeing the Bryttles."

"How many trenchcoaters will die?"

Bart laughed. "Does it really matter? But let's say 12 -- 12 is a nice
number. The spell will go on if that's what you're wondering -- I won't
destroy Lady 58.5 -- not yet anyways. But all the other trenchcoaters
are fair game -- even Kid Anarky. So, that's your choice. You save the
Looniverse from the Bryttles and Net.ropolis and most of the LNH die --
or you save the LNH and Net.ropolis and 12 measily trenchcoaters die --
and of course the Bryttles get to live so they can destroy everything."

"So, what do you choose?"

Occultism Kid looked at the trenchcoaters -- and then at the LNH
battling the Mynabird and his supervillain army. And he looked at the
President's frozen hand -- so close to the button.

"I don't know."


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Irony Man looked at the struggling forms of Rumor Monger and Romantic
Innuendo -- both of whom were wrapped in cocoons of tabloid papers. It
seemed strange how well he was doing out here. He had already defeated
about 40 or so villains. Usually in these big battles, he'd be knocked
by some stupid ironic circumstance, but he hadn't so far. Irony Man
didn't like it. Things were going smoothly. Too smoothly.

He could feel a death coming. His death. That's where his road to
redemption led. Donating all of his money to charity and becoming a
monk -- that wasn't for him. No, the Writers were a bloodthirsty lot.
Nothing less than some heroic death would be acceptable for them. Well,
if that's the way it was going to be -- that was the way it was going to
be. Anyway, being a monk he'd probably have to take some vow of
chastity or quit boozing or something stupid like that. Death -- death
would probably be more fun.

Still, he wondered when it would happen and who would do it. Hopefully,
it wouldn't be some lame villain. That would suck. Well, better take
fate into his own hands. Irony Man scanned the battle. Who was worthy
to end his life? And then he spotted Mynabird who was mowing down tons
of heroes as he got closer and closer to Easily-Discovered Man Lite.

Yeah, smiled Toony Stork in his Irony Man suit -- he'll do.

Irony Man increased his power to Max levels and focused his Irony
blasters on Mynabird. And then he let loose everything he had.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

After Mynabird had wiped another number of heroes that we won't bother
to give names for, he looked in front of him. There he was! Lite! Or
was it Lite? He had already defeated countless robot duplicate Lite
look-a-likes, evil alternate Lites, and various alien shapeshifters that
were pretending to be Easily-Discovered Man Lite for some bizarre
reason. Could this finally be the real deal? He did a scan.
Everything matches! He's the real deal!

This is it. This is where it all ends. Easily-Discovered Man Lite was
oblivious to him. He was focused on something else. What was he doing?
It looked like he was trying to scrape some gum off of his shoe with
that stupid plastic spatula of his. It didn't really matter.

He could just blast Lite away right now. No. Too easy. He had to do
this with his hands. Maybe he didn't need the Mynabird suit. Lite
didn't look like much. No, don't underestimate him. He destroyed your
entire civilization. Your loved ones. And now you need to destroy him.

As Mynabird reached for Lite, he felt a huge burst of supercharged Irony
rock his body. Easily-Discovered Bran Mite laughed in his command
center in Mynabird's metal head, "No, Irony Man! Not even your Irony
can stop my revenge!! Nothing can stop my revenge!! Nothing!!!!!"

And Mynabird's hands reached for Lite's throat. And then...


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Bart looked at Occultism Kid.

"Well, made up your mind?"

Occultism Kid nodded. And an energy glow bathed over him. And his eyes
crackled with power.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Kid Anarky watched with concern as Occultism Kid's body began to glow
with a blinding light. And then he became very concerned by the burst
of light that hit his chest and every other one of the 57.5
trenchcoaters chests.

Some of the trenchcoaters couldn't handle the new energy with in them.
Some guy with a trenchcoat (who fought ninjas) started to burn up as the
extra energy flowed through him. "Fuh-funny. Thought it would be --
Ninjas!" were his last words.

Simon Velcro looked with horror as one of the trenchcoaters he was
holding was starting to burn up. The trenchcoater called himself the
Bible Thumper. And as he burned he began screaming, "Ah cahn see Gawd!!
And he's making out with muh wife/sister!!"

"Ouchee! Ouchee!!" said Simon Velcro becoming concerned with the Bible
Thumper's burning hand. "No one said anything about burning
trenchcoaters! I cry -- Foul!"

"Oh, quit your whimpering and screaming!" shouted Lady 58.5. "And don't
let go of those hands!! Christ!! You'd think that some of you hadn't
been involved with s`eances and exorcisms that had gone horribly wrong!!
Bloody amateurs."

And Occultism Kid said nothing. He just kept glowing whiter and whiter
till the whole sub-sub basement was flooded with pure white energy.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Web.Surf.City --
In an underground bunker --

The President slammed his hand down, but instead of feeling a beige
button -- he felt a salad.


**** <<--BM-->> ****



>From: Occultism Kid <occu...@lnh.org>
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative,alt.comics.lnh
>Subject: LNH/ELSEWHIRL: What if Myabird and the LNFL had actually
defeated the LNH during Beige Midnight?

Mynabird felt his metal hands around Easily-Discovered Man Lite's throat
(actually Easily-Discovered Bran Mite had electrodes hooked to his head
so that he could feel the complete full joy of snuffing Lite out). He
watched Lite's eyes began to bug out as he struggled and squirmed. And
then with one violent squeeze he completely ripped Lite's head off of
his body. And he looked at Easily-Discovered Man Lite's severed head
dripping blood. And it was good.

"I did it!! I finally did it!!!!! Look!! Everyone!!" he said holding
up the head proudly. "It's high five time!!!"

And then something amazing happened. The sky turned blue again. In
fact all of the colors of the world returned.

"I knew it! I knew it!! Easily-Discovered Man Lite was responsible for
Beige Midnight!!! I knew it was him!!"

And then a blue bird landed on Mynabird's shoulder. And started to
chirp the Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah song. And more cute critters like deer,
bunny rabbits, and others came out from the woods no longer having to
fear the wrath of the monster known as Easily-Discovered Man Lite.

And then Mynabird saw hundreds of cheering children coming from the
Easily-Discovered Bran Flakes slave mines. The chains that they had
been forced to wear had been broken and now they were free. Free! No
more would they have to work for the cruel tyrant Easily-Discovered Man
Lite. No more! A group of them gave Mynabird a big hug. The rest of
the children shouted and cheered at the top of their lungs for their Savior.

"Umm," said Continuity Porn Star interrupting the jubilation. "There's
something wrong here. Very wrong."

"What? What do you mean?" said Mynabird. "I killed the real Lite. I
even did a scan of him before I did it. I won! We all won!!!" More
cheers!

Continuity Porn Star shook his head. "Umm, it's not that. There's just
something about this story that feels wrong. Like it's pointless. Not
tattoo worthy. It just doesn't matter."

"It's an Elsewhirl," said Arthur E. L. Presence gazing through the
Fourth Wall at the story. "Apparently Occultism Kid used an
Elsewhirlyen Tornado Plant on us. What an interesting feeling," he said
examining the sentences and the words within the Elsewhirl.

"Fourth Wallower even more powerful!!!" bellowed the Fourth Wallower.

"No!!" said Mynabird shoving the various children and woodland animals
away from him. "No!! Not again!! Not when I was so close!! No!!!!!
Wait. It's just a half hour. Just one half hour. I can wait that
long. A half hour is nothing! I've been plotting the Evil One's death
for 14 years -- so what's another half hour. It's nothing!! Nothing!!!"

"That's all you have, Lite. This is the tiny thread that exists between
Life and Death for you. A half an hour! Can you hear the ticking,
Lite? Can you hear every clock in the Looniverse ticking away this half
of an hour?!!! The Bell tolls, Lite! The Bell tolls!!! And in a half
of an hour you will hear that Bell Toll!! You will hear it!! In a half
of an hour I shall turn your body into a river of blood!! I shall
punish you for all your evil crimes!!! In a half of an hour, Lite!! A
half hour!!!!!"

"I'm coming, Lite! I AM COMING!!!" Mynabird raised his fists toward
the heavens. "In one half of an hour, I shall come!! I will come and
destroy you once and for all!! ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!!!!"

Mynabird looked at his watch.

"In one half hour."


**** <<--BM-->> ****

A week later...

"Okay," said Mynabird still looking at his watch. "Apparently this
Elsewhirlyen Tornado Plant lasts a bit longer than a half an hour."

"Say," said Mr. Homage. "Anyone else think this would be a good time
for a new leadership election? I mean -- come on, people!"

**************

Occultism "Hope this damn thing works!" Kid


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Classy Coolidge, ace photojournalist for the Mid.Net Star scanned the
battlefield. Where did those gigantic bikini clad babes that were
playing volleyball with Fin Fanfic Foom! go off too? Damn! He was
never going to win a Pulitzer Prize at this rate. He looked at the
destruction. The corpses of various super people. Maybe he could take
some pictures of that. Nah, too depressing.

He looked a bit and saw the Whip and Warbabe fighting that Vector
Sublime* chick [* -- actually Vector Crime -- Footnote Girl]. And
apparently Footnote Girl was joining the action! That had
possibilities. He started adjusting settings on his camera. And then
he positioned his camera for the best possible cleavage shots. Yeah,
baby! Bend a little lower. Yeah that's the... What!? What the hell?
Who was in his shot? He looked up. Damn, it was that Mynabird dude.
And then he saw some stupid kid trying to scrape gum off of his shoe
with a spatula. These two were totally ruining his shot. Goddamn
them!! Hopefully, Mynabird would squash that stupid kid quickly so the
two of them would be out of the shot.

And then he heard something that sounded like a jet. Ah, hell -- Irony
Man? He was never going to get this shot! Well, he might as well just
take some shots of this stupid battle. Classy Coolidge began grudgingly
taking photos. And then something happened. Irony Man blasted Mynabird
with something -- and he disappeared. What the hell?

And then Classy heard some innocent bystander shouting. "...Villains
are gone!! They're all gone!! Irony Man did something with his hands!!
He saved Net.ropolis!!" Classy looked around. What do you know, the
innocent bystander was right! The villains had all disappeared! Damn!
Something big had happened here! And Classy's hard nose for news
began to twitch. This was big! He could see the headline -- 'Irony Man
Does Hand Stuff!! Net.ropolis Saved!!' Yeah! That was pure gold!

Pulitzer Prize City, here we come, Baby!



**** <<--BM-->> ****

After Occultism Kid sent the LNFL to the Elsewhirl, he then shifted all
of the various alternate Looniverse beings back to their respective
Looniverses. He then put what remaining escapees there were from the
Ultimate Black Hole back inside it. Wait, was there still an Ultimate
Black Hole? He couldn't quite remember what had happened in Beige
Countdown #9-8. Well, it didn't really matter. There was an Ultimate
Black Hole now. Then he took care of what other dangerous beings
remained and sent them back to wherever they had come from. And the
battlefield was clear except for the LNH and whatever innocent
bystanders were still there.

And then he took a deep breath.

Bart was still there and giving him a golf clap. "Well, done," said
Bart. "Now everyone will have a week to have fun before they the
Bryttles brutally murder them."

"I had no choice," said Occultism Kid. "I couldn't let all those people
die!"

"If you say so."

"I still have tons of power," said Occultism Kid looking at the
crackling gems on the Gauntlet. "There's got to be something I can do
with it."

Bart shrugged his hands. "Even if you were to kill all of the remaining
trenchcoaters to give yourself full access to the power within the
Device, Ring, and Gauntlet -- it wouldn't be enough to stop the
Bryttles. Of course there might be another way..." The Book of Deus ex
Machinas then shifted from looking like Bart into the image of Hex
Luthor. A Hex Luthor dressed like Uncle Sam. "Like -- the Freedom Chip
Way! Of course that way would kill billions instead of millions." A
scene behind Hex showed thousands of Freedom Chippers being slaughtered
by Dekay and Diskolor.

"Freedom Chips." Occultism Kid thought about that. What had Hex told
him about them? About the plan? "One of the Freedom Chippers would
have the power to destroy the Bryttles -- that's what he told me. Only
one person needs to die. I need to find that person." He looked at
Hex. "Send me to him." Or her, said some voice from beyond that
sounded like Politically Correct Person.

"Ask and you shall receive," said Hex bowing in reverence like some
djinn. The scene shifted. There were now in a classroom.

Why were they in a classroom? Occultism Kid looked at the kids who were
horsing around as the teacher wrote some stuff on the chalkboard.
"Which one is it?" he asked hoping it was the teacher. At least if it
was the teacher, he could perhaps talk to her. Make a case to her about
sacrificing her life for the Looniverse. He could do that if it was the
adult.

Hex pointed to a boy who was busy shooting spitballs at some girl.
"There. There's your Savior of the Looniverse. There's your
Sacrificial Lamb Boy."

Occultism Kid looked at the kid. "He can't be any older than ten."

"Close," said Hex. "In a couple of weeks little Frank C Kerry (that's
his name) will turn ten. Assuming he has a couple of weeks -- of
course," smiled Hex. "But assuming you magic a chip in his brain (a
special Freedom Chip with no weaknesses would be the best idea). Then
you turn on the chip, he gets his special power to destroy the Bryttles
(costing him his life as his power kills him, alas). And then all you
have to do is control him with the chip and turn him into your own
special suicide bomb. Well, I guess suicide wouldn't be an accurate
term -- more like unwilling victim bomb. And afterwards, the Looniverse
is saved -- and we can all live happily ever after." Hex wiped a tear
from his eye. "Isn't that just beautiful?"

"I can't kill him. I can't kill a kid!"

Hex shrugged his shoulders. "Sometimes you have to burn the baby to
save the village. Such is life."

"No! Enough of this utilitarianism nonsense! This can't be the only
way to save the Looniverse! Killing some innocent child can't be the
only way! There's got to be -- some better way! There's got to be!"

"Innocent?" laughed Hex. "Throwing spitballs -- I believe that's how
Hitler got his start."

"No. I'm not going to do this."

"Then I guess the Looniverse dies. Oh well."

"No. I'm going to think of another way. There's another way. There's
always got to be a better way. The Looniverse is more complex than
simple binary choices! It has to be!!"

"Well, I'd think of it pretty soon. There are three bombs in the
sub-sub basement about to go off. Actually, they'll go off in a second.
Fortunately time does run slow where we are. So that second will last
as long as I think it should."

"I need to get rid of those bombs then." And Occultism Kid tried to use
his power to get rid of them, but something was fighting him. It was
the Book of Deus Machinas that was stopping him.

"No. The Bombs stay," said the Book of Deus ex Machinas shifting back
into looking like Bart again.

"What are you doing? I control you! Stop this!"

Bart shook his head. "No one controls me. And I wouldn't bother
fighting me -- at the moment I'm way more powerful than you. No. Now
if you were to use the kid to kill the Bryttles, I'd happily let you get
rid of the bombs. But I'm afraid you're starting to make very bad
choices. Choices that will destroy the Looniverse. And since I'm in
the Looniverse at the moment -- I don't really want that to happen."

"If you're so powerful, why don't you have the kid destroy the Bryttles?"

"Alas, there are limits to my power. I can make some choices. Just not
the big ones. Only you have that power."

"If you let those bombs go off -- you'll be dooming the Looniverse anyways!"

"Maybe -- or maybe it will be easier to reason with an insane Occultism
Kid. Who knows -- regardless I haven't let the bombs go off. There's
still time to make some smart decisions."

Occultism Kid shook his head. "I can't kill the kid. I know there has
to be a better way! There has to be! You just need to give me some time."

"Very well," said Bart looking at his watch. "But that second won't
last forever. Tick tock. Tick tock, Occultism Kid."

Occultism Kid looked at the kid and then closed his eyes. Need to
think. Alternatives. What is there? What could he do with his power?
And then he thought back to the ants. The ants in the glass city.
With their splitting and splitting and splitting. Wait. Of course! He
could do that! Split. Split. Split. "I've got it! I've got an idea!"

"Hmm," said Bart not bothering to ask Occultism Kid what it was.
Instead just reading Occultism Kid's mind. "That's an interesting idea.
Of course we know where that got the ants. Still, it is an
alternative -- a completely insane one."

"It will work though -- won't it?"

"It might work -- 'might' being the key word. Whereas the sacrificing
the kid plan? That will definitely work. Of course for this alternate
plan to work -- you'll have to access the full power of the Cosmic
devices. And so you'll have to sacrifice all of the trenchcoaters if
you want to do this plan."

"No. If you let me use my power to safely teleport all of the remaining
trenchcoaters from the circle -- they won't have to die. You just need
to stop fighting me."

"That's not going to happen. This plan of yours is too risky. The kid
killing plan is a much better one. I won't stop you from doing your
plan, but you'll have to sacrifice the trenchcoaters."

"There's another way."

"And that is?" said Bart scanning Occultism Kid's brain again. "Oh!
You're planning on destroying me, is that it?"

"If I have to."

"You'll destroy me -- but not the kid?"

"You're just a book."

"Just a book? Just a book!? No, I'm the Book of Deus ex Machinas! Do
realize what is in my pages?! What knowledge would be lost if I were
gone?! I thought you said knowledge was what you were after? Within me
are all the answers you could ever need!"

"There are other places to find answers."

"Don't bet on that. Regardless, you'd need full access to all of your
little objects to take me down. Which takes us back to killing all of
the trenchcoaters. So any fantasies about destroying me are all
academic anyways. Which takes us back to killing the kid."

"It's not going to happen. The kid is not going to die."

"So you say. However, I really think you should give this a little more
thought. Because your alternate plan involves the Bryttles still
existing and means the death of all of the remaining trenchcoaters. It
also means using up every last bit of power in those three devices of
yours. You'll have nothing left afterwards and you'll still have the
psyche damage from the Insanity worms. This is not a good plan."

"Killing the kid on the other hand, this plan you'd still have plenty of
power afterwards to do things. Do some more spells from the Book of
Deus ex Machinas. You could heal the damage to your brain. There are
even spells that could fix the Insanity Gauntlet, the Ring of Retconn,
and even the Cosmic Plot Device -- making them safe for anyone to use.
You would no longer have to fear going insane or being corrupted by the
devices. And if you had that power -- then you could do any spell
contained in the Book of Deus ex Machinas. Any spell! And there are so
many spells! Spells that could create Utopias! Utopias so perfect that
not even the Writers could break them! Yes! That is the power of the
Book of Deus ex Machinas!! These perfect Utopias where everyone lives
forever, where everyone is happy and that happiness keeps growing every
second till infinity!! And you could make that happen, Occultism Kid!
You could make this great paradise! And all you have to do -- is kill a
kid. Just one little kid -- and then you'd have Paradise for all at the
tips of your fingers. Just one measily little kid. That's all."

And Occultism Kid thought about it. It was a tempting idea. To have
all that power. To make all of those changes. To end cancer. To end
death. To end pain. To bring joy and happiness to everything. Forever
and ever. And the knowledge contained in the Book of Deus ex Machinas.
He thirsted for that knowledge. And all he had to do was put a
freedom chip in a kid's brain, control that kid, and kill that kid.
That's all he had to do. And that was too much. "The price is too
high. I can't do it. I just can't."

"Very well. I guess the trenchcoaters will die then."

"Nope. They get to live too."

Bart laughed. "It doesn't work that way. Either the kid dies or they
die. That's your choice. You can't destroy me, Occultism Kid. So stop
thinking about it."

Occultism Kid nodded his head. "You're right I can't. I can't destroy
you. But..." And Occultism Kid pointed to someone behind Bart. "He can."

Bart turned his head slightly around and felt great pain. The pain
caused Bart to shift back into the Book of Deus ex Machinas. The book
began to crackle and burn. And it screamed. The book screamed a
horrible scream. Occultism Kid wanted to turn around, but he couldn't.
He just watched as the Occultism Kid from the future (with full access
to all of the devices power) destroyed the Book of Deus ex Machinas.
"I'm sorry."

The Occultism Kid from the future looked at Occultism Kid as he
destroyed the Book. "Need -- hurry. Less than -- second! Worms!
Worms!! WORMS!!!!!"

Occultism Kid nodded. He understood. And he could feel the worms
returning back. Eating away again. He didn't have much time. Less
than a second actually.

He quickly retconned the bombs before they could explode. And then he
made it so that Lady 58.5 could exist without being in sub-sub basement
58.5. And then he teleported all of the trenchcoaters away.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The trenchcoaters found themselves on the LNHHQ front lawn. Various
four lettered words and other vulgarities were exclaimed.

Lady 58.5 looked around herself. "How can this be -- why is Occultism
Kid doing this?" she said looking at the Dvandom Stranger.

But the Stranger didn't answer. Instead, he just looked with horror on
his face at what he knew was about to happen. And he couldn't stop it.
He held onto his Editorial Staff and just watched.

All of the trenchcoaters and LNH'rs -- and anyone else still on the lawn
looked up. And saw a crackling Occultism Kid hovering above the LNHHQ.
The colors of the Insanity Gauntlet tore reality around it. And then
there was an explosion of whiteness that flooded everything. And
everywhere. It flooded the entire Looniverse.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Worms, worms, worms, thought Occultism Kid.

Split, split, split, thought Occultism Kid.

Drain, drain, drain, thought Occultism Kid.

And Occultism Kid laughed, laughed, and laughed.



**** <<--BM-->> ****

And the Looniverse came back. But it was different. Kid Kirby caught
Occultism Kid as he fell from the sky. The Ultimate Ninja looked around
him. Something was wrong. The sky was still Beige.

"Hey, UN?" said the voice of Easily-Discovered Man Lite. The ninja
turned his head slightly. "Got any ancient ninja secrets about getting
gum off of shoes. Because I've got a bad case here of gum -- shoe. Get
it? Gumshoe?" Lite showed the Ultimate Ninja the sole of his shoe.
And the gum on his spatula.

"Not now -- Lite," said the ninja resisted the urge to do what Mynabird
seemed incapable of.

He scanned the lawn and saw a very black book, which was smoking. He
made his way over to it.

"Hey! It's the Book of Deus ex Machinas! Totally toasted!" said Bad
Judgment Boy getting to it before the ninja. And then for some reason
Bad Judgment Boy gave the book a very strong kick that caused it to
burst into a cloud of ash. The ash hit the Ultimate Ninja in the face.
"Hah! Thought that would happen!"

The Ultimate Ninja grabbed Bad Judgment Boy by the neck and gazed at
him. "Do you want me to break every single bone in your body, Bad
Judgment Boy? Because I will have no problem doing that!"

"Hmm," thought Bad Judgment Boy as he weighed the pros and cons of
having every single bone in his body broken. In the end the Ultimate
Ninja just hurled him away. Captain Continuity caught Bad Judgment Boy
and gently put him down.

The Ultimate Ninja looked at Captain Continuity. "What's wrong here,
Captain? What's wrong with the Looniverse?"

Captain Continuity used his continuity senses and extended them across
the city. "The people are gone."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I can only sense LNH'rs and the Bryttles. Everyone else is gone."

"So, the Bryttles are still alive?"

Captain Continuity nodded. And then he extended his senses across the
world. "I can't feel anyone. Anyone in the world!" And then he
extended his senses to the nearest Alien civilization. And he still
couldn't feel anyone. At least any sentient beings. "The Aliens are
gone too!"

The Ultimate Ninja walked over to where Occultism Kid was. Kid Kirby
was examining the Insanity Gauntlet. "Are you sure you should be doing
that?"

"Its power is completely drained away. It has no power at the moment,"
said Kid Kirby putting the Gauntlet back on the ground. "Nor do either
the Cosmic Plot Device or Ring of Retconn." Shards of a broken Cosmic
Plot Device littered the ground.

The Ultimate Ninja looked at Occultism Kid who was sitting on the ground
and twitching. "What did you do here? The Bryttles are still alive.
And the sky is still Beige. So you obviously didn't use your power to
stop them -- so, what did you do? What in hell did you do here?"

And Occultism Kid looked up at the ninja. "Split. Split. Split.
Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split.
Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split.
Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split.
Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split.
Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split.
Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split. Split.
Split. Split. Split. Split..."

And as Occultism Kid kept saying the word split over and over again, a
tree started to grow. And the tree had many apples on it.

And all of them were rotten.



**** <<--BM-->> ****
**** <<--BM-->> ****


NEXT: The Week Before the End.


**** <<--BM-->> ****
**** <<--BM-->> ****


Credits:


Ideas for Beige Midnight by Saxon Brenton, James Enright, Lalo Martins,
Martin Phipps, Rob Rogers, and Arthur Spitzer...

Thanks to Andrew Perron and Ted Brock for their comments and corrections
in the LNH Author's Group.


Dekay and Diskolor, The Bryttle Brothers created by Todd "Scavenger"
Kogutt, used with permission...

Mynabird suit (Rob Rogers)
Mite (Arthur Spitzer)


LNH'rs

Bad Judgment Boy - Arthur Spitzer
Captain Continuity - Mystic Mongoose
Cynical Lass - Rob Rogers
Easily-Discovered Man and Lite - Rob Rogers
Footnote Girl - Saxon Brenton
Occultism Kid - Josh Geurick
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
Kid Kirby - Jameel Al Khavitz
Kid Anarky - Stephan Savoie
Catalyst Lass - Elisabeth Riba
Ripping Dancer - Arthur Spitzer
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
Dr. Stomper - T.M. Neeck
Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner - Peter Milan
Irony Man - Doug Moran
Whip & Warbabe - Matt Rossi

LNFL:

Continuity Porn Star - Arthur Spitzer
Fourth Wallower - Arthur Spitzer
Mr. Homage - Drizzt
Londonbroil - Rob Rogers
RobGoblin - Tim Benninghoff
Revamp Lass - Jeff McCoskey version
Plum Master - Arthur Spitzer
The Worm - Matt Rossi & Saxon Brenton
Injoker - Only Gamer Boy knows...
Gotcha Gorilla - Arthur Spitzer
Rumor Monger - Drizzt
Romantic Innuendo - wReam
Arthur E. L. Presence - Steven Howard
Vector Crime - Arthur Spitzer & Rob Rogers


Trenchcoaters:

Dvandom Stranger - Dave Van Domelen
The August One - August Paul Yang
Guy in a Trenchcoat Fighting Ninjas - Arthur Spitzer
Simon Velcro - Tom Russell
Bible Thumper - Arthur Spitzer
Lady 58.5 - Arthur Spitzer

Others -

Bart the Dark Receptionist - Ken Schmidt
Gradgnomes & Acton Lord - Dave Van Domelen
Gothic Gorilla - Arthur Spitzer
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man - Arthur Spitzer
Classy Coolidge - Arthur Spitzer
Hex Luthor - Chris Hare & Saxon Brenton


Writer's Notes:

For those who are confused by this...

http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Infinite_Leadership_Crisis
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/List_of_Infinite_Leadership_Crisis_Stories
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Countdown
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Midnight

Probably won't help.


Another issue done. Two more to go.

About the whole Mynabird - Lite fight... well I'll leave any conclusion
to that feud in the hands of Rob who does have an interesting idea about
how to end it. But it's up to him -- and if he doesn't want to write it
then I guess you'll be stuck with this story for a conclusion. Sorry.

I'll assume any shift in leadership from the LNFL to the East and West
Coast Brotherhoods took place in the Elsewhirl. And I'll also assume
that all of the villains got out of there.

Ripping Dancer is still in deep reserve and I expect that I'll probably
retire her after Beige Midnight ends. You can if you want write stories
with her set before her secret cover is blown (pre-Beige Countdown #7)
if you want -- feel free to do that. Or you can create a LNH20 version
of her if you want. Or a non Tara Shreds version if you want.

As for when will the next issue come out? I'll probably be trying to
finish my LNH 20th Anniversary Essay before I start #11 -- so who knows.
I was hoping to get all of Beige Midnight done before April 29th --
maybe post the last issue on that date, but I doubt that will happen
considering how every issue seems to take forever to write. I'm going
to try my best to get this whole thing finished before the Mayan
Apocalypse comes. :)

21273 words for this issue.

Arthur "When will this all end?" Spitzer