LNH: Beige Midnight #6: The Bart Age: "The Ice Caverns of Existence"
Arthur Spitzer
**** <<--BM-->> ****
1994 AD --
Retcon Hour --
Net.ropolis --
Irony Man, Dr. Stomper, Contraption Man, the New NTBish version of
Occultism Kid, and Ripping Dancer flashed into what was supposed to be
the lawn of the LNHHQ.
But everything looked completely different. Naked guys and girls with
flowers in their hair playing guitars and smoking joints littered the
lawn of the LNH Headquarters, which looked a lot like a commune.
"And to think, I was afraid this would be totally lame," said Occultism
Kid flicking his cigarette onto the ground. "Tell you what -- why don't
you spandex wankers go and you know -- save the world or something --
and I'll chat up some of these birds for info -- maybe score some drugs.
Sound like a plan?"
"Another Retcon Hour effect?" asked Ripping Dancer.
"Yes," said Dr. Stomper studying the retcon free scanner.thingee. "I
speculate that we've crossed into a continuity bubble where the Legion
of Net.Hippies never ceased activity."
"Hippies," said Irony Man in his best Harrison Ford voice, "Why did it
have to be Hippies?"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"It's no use! Can't reach Kid Kesey! What ever is keeping Deja Druid
and Continuity Tramp locked on the DoobieSat has gotten him too!!"
shouted Listens-to-Rock-n-Roll Lass trying to divine their whereabouts
from the Grateful Dead bootleg tapes she was listening to.
"This isn't good," said Make Love Not War Lad clenching his love fist.
"We've got to find who's doing this. Is it the Time Toker? wReamicus
Fascisitus? Richard Nixon? Who is causing this -- Retcon Hour?"
"Ooh! Ooh! Just got some pics on my Anti-Fascist Cam!" said
Calls-Respectable-People-Fascists Lad running into the monitor room.
"It's that warmongering fascist Toony Stork's body guard and assassin!!
The Irony Monger -- he's outside!! And he's with a bunch of weird
looking fascists! Man, what a total fascist!"
Make Love Not War Lad took a drag from his toke. "Well, guess we need
to call the rest in here. Looks like we're going to have a major rap
session! Let's get our Groove On!!"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Ripping Dancer experienced a strange feeling as she touched one of the
Legion of Net.Hippies Commune walls. The colorful painted flower walls
started to leak across her. The whole space was swallowing her up. The
Beatle song, 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' began to play. In order to
fight this feeling of completely losing it, she began to dance.
"Ripping Dancer!" said Contraption Man grabbing a hold of her hand and
removing it from the wall. "Don't touch the walls! They've got some
type of psychedelic power. Are you okay?"
"I -- uh -- yeah. Whoahhh. That was -- very trippy."
"Try not to touch anything else here. There's no telling what it can do."
"Psychedelic power? Yeah, right," said Occultism Kid licking one of the
walls. "Doing nothing for me."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Contraption Man studied over the time packs. "I've never seen anything
like this. How does it work?"
"Electric Time Kool-Aid," answered Dr. Stomper. "One of my old
professors from college Dr. TO-TI-DO (Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out) was
the one who developed this means of time transference. It was
unfortunately not a very stable means."
"Well, since we've only got five or so minutes till the rings run out of
power -- looks like this will have to..."
Right about that then a number of Legion of Net.Hippies stormed into the
room.
"It's over, Irony Monger!" cried Calls-Respectable-People-Fascists Lad.
"This time you're going answer for all your crimes against humanity!!
Genocidal Fascist!!"
"Genocidal Fascist, huh. And here I was worried about being a dirty
hippy in this timeline. Guess someone likes me up there." Irony Man
pointed his Irony blasting hand right in the Legion of Net.Hippies
direction.
Contraption Man looked at his watch. There was no time for a fight
scene. Got to try something else. "Everyone. Step back. Or I'll set
this off."
Everyone looked at Contraption Man who was holding a scanner.thingee
over his head.
"Umm, hey man. We've seen a scanner.thingee before," replied McGovern
Supporter Lad.
"Not one like this. It's hooked up to the entire Marijuana Supply of
the World. Once I push the button, a virus that kills marijuana plants
will be released. And they all die. Every single one of them. No more
Grass. No more Pot. Nada. The Dream ends here."
"Oh god no!!" shouted both Kid Grass and Pot Lad. "We give!! We give!!"
Calls-Respectable-People-Fascists Lad gestured towards everyone to step
back. "Fine. Looks like you win again, Irony Monger. But it's only a
matter time before you get yours."
"Right. I'm sure that will happen at any time," said Irony Man setting
his time pack for the present.
As the 2008 LNH Members flashed away back to the present, the Legion of
Net.Hippies continuity bubble burst.
And their continuity replacements, The Legion of Net.Herrings flopped
around a bit gasping for water before their bubble ruptured too.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Ancient Qwerty --
1994 BC --
Eld-Ar the Elder scanned over the prophecy scroll. Today was the day.
This was the day that the alignment of Flosk, Mirgor, and Dalaton would
happen. During the time of the UIOP Comet. And according to it the
Most Worthy One would come this day to free King Qwert-El from the Ice
Caverns of Existence. The Real King Qwert-El.
It was amazing to think that for the past million years, the Elders had
secretly been running the entire Empire using false King Qwert-El
look-a-likes -- every five years or so replacing them. The entire
Empire was built on a lie.
And Eld-Ar the Elder was a part of this lie. His father, and
grandfather, and many ancestors in his line before that had been part of
the lie. And what was it all for? Where was the meaning of this lie?
The point of it all?
Eld-Ar took the scroll and held it over a candle. The scroll started to
burn. Eld-Ar watched as it burned. He put the scroll in the sacred
stove and poked and prodded the scroll till it was nothing but ash.
When he and the other current Elders were dead, no one would remember
the lie. It would die with them.
Eld-Ar looked at his electric hourglass. He heard a dinging coming from
the bell tower. Was this is? Had the Most Worthy One arrived? Had the
L, and the N, and the H returned?
Eld-Ar put on his red ceremonial robe and made his way towards the
courtyard.
Today the point of existence would finally be answered.
Today he would finally find the meaning for his life.
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Kid Recap and a number of his amnesiac LNH'rs followed the red robed
Elders towards the Ice Caverns of Existence.
He scanned the crowd of on lookers and wondered who the Most Worthy One
was or when he'd get there. And several minutes later they had finally
reached the Caverns. Kid Recap could feel an icy gust blast out from
the Cave's fissure.
For awhile every single person there just stared at the opening and just
waited. Waited and waited. And waited some more. And then finally
everyone stared at Kid Recap.
Eld-Ar the Elder tapped Kid Recap on the shoulder. "It is time. Time
for the Most Worthy One to go into the Caverns."
"Umm, yeah. Okay. Feel Free and do that," responded Kid Recap.
Eld-Ar had an uncomfortable look on his face. "We don't know who the
Most Worthy One is. You were supposed to bring him here."
"Me? I don't know who he is either. I figured he'd just show up. So
you don't know who he is?"
"This is very bad." Eld-Ar went over to the group of Elders and started
to consult with them.
"Do you know what you're doing?" said the Ultimate Ninja who had a very
icy look on his face.
Kid Recap shrugged his hands. "Umm -- not really. Look, maybe the Most
Worthy One is an LNH'r? Maybe? I don't know. It doesn't matter.
Someone's going to have to go into that cave and retrieve Bart." Kid
Recap gave a loud whistle in order to get everyone's attention. "Okay,
is anyone here The Most Worthy One? Anyone?" Kid Recap got a bunch of
blank stares.
And then Munchkin Man clicked off his Headphones of Momentary Amusement
(+238,749) and piped up. "ooh! ooh! that's me! i'm the most worthy
one!! stand aside folks!! most worthy one coming through!!"
The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "You've got to be kidding me! This
-- this dwarf...?"
"munchkin," corrected Munchkin Man.
"Whatever you are, all I've seen from the actions of you for the past
few days is the most spineless, worthless excuse for a hero -- I've ever
seen!!"
Kid Recap nodded. "I have to agree with UN, Munchkin Man. Honestly,
you are the least worthy member of the LNH ever that I can think of.
Why do you think you can do this?"
"these babies!!" Munchkin Man said pointing to three rings on his hand.
"got them off the black troll market -- a Ring of Most Worthiness
(+89,567), a Ring of Most Worthiness (+67,453), and a Ring of Most
Worthiness (+99,999). i'm totally loaded!! plus i've got this Amulet
of Philosophical Cave Protection (+45,999) and my Mittens of Really,
Really Cold Stuff Protection (23,783; +78,932)!! look honestly the only
reason i took this gig was because i have this quest for the meaning of
all existence that i have to do before i can become a 99,222 level
Arch-Ninja-Bard-Ranger-Pastry-Chefancer."
Kid Recap's eyes bugged out. "Wait, how did you know that the Meaning
of All Existence would even be here?"
"got it all here!" Munchkin Man stuck his tiny blue hands into his
Storage Sack of Infinite Space (+Infinity) and pulled out a book. "it's
the 'Big Book of Looniverse Hints and Cheats (2010 edition)'. don't
leave home without it! bought it off this raccelestial for a trillion
gold points. quite a bargain actually."
Kid Recap shook his head in disbelief. "God damn -- Could I take a look
at that?"
"nah," Munchkin Man dumped the book back in his sack. "have to be like
a level 7892 Power Librarian to read it and a level 2348 Demi-God to
touch it without dying, so no -- fraid not."
Kid Recap rolled his eyes a bit. "Well, it looks like you're the Most
Worthy One then, Munchkin Man. Go to it then. Good luck."
Munchkin Man gave a thumbs up and then put on his Mittens of Really,
Really Cold Stuff Protection (23,783; +78,932). And then he walked
straight into the Ice Caverns of Existence.
Kid Recap held his breath.
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A few minutes later, Munchkin Man came out of the caverns tugging a
giant ice block behind him.
Kid Recap gazed at the block. There was something human trapped in
there. Was it Bart? He could see something colorful sparkling away in
the ice. The Gems of Insanity? He wondered if they should just haul
the ice block back to the Loonivearth. But before he could ponder that
he watched Munchkin Man take out his Ice Pick of Ice Pickiness (+7892,
+3457) and start to slice away at the ice.
Kid Recap waved his hands wildly. "Wait! What the hell are you doing!?
Stop that!! Munchkin Man!!!"
"relax, kid recap. bart is totally out of it! And you don't have to
worry about me being corrupted by the Ring of Retconn or Insanity
Gauntlet -- i have some Tongs of Resist Corrupting Cosmic Devices
(+11,999) that i can use to pull them off -- not that i'm really tempted
anyways since they're pretty pathetic compared to the stuff i already
have. just saying."
Kid Recap pulled the Ultimate Ninja aside while Munchkin Man continued
to whittle away at ice surrounding Bart's hands. "Look, I know you
don't trust me, but if that person trapped in the ice breaks out --
please, kill him. Kill him quickly. Just kill him. Please." The
Ultimate Ninja whose ninja awareness could sense something incredibly
powerful frozen in the ice gave a nod.
Munchkin Man finished carving the ice around Bart's hands. With the
Tongs of Resist Corrupting Cosmic Devices (+11,999), he carefully
removed the Cosmic Devices and tossed them into a burlap sack. He then
tossed the burlap sack towards Kid Recap. "there you go."
Kid Recap rubbed his eyes a bit. Most of Bart was still frozen away in
the ice block. Was this it? Was beating Bart that simple?
The Qwertian Elders walked up to with reverence and bowed down to
Munchkin Man. "Oh, Most Worthy One! Tell us, please, the meaning of it
all! The Meaning -- The Meaning of All Existence!!!"
Munchkin Man glanced at his Watch of Time Telling (+77,945). "sorry,
gents -- have to keep on truckin'. got to go to my Guild Master and get
my next quest. adios amigos!" With that said Munchkin Man cast a spell
using his Helm of Time Travel & Teleportation [8764, +99,003] and
disappeared from the past.
"Wait! Please! Come back! Most Worthy One!! Please!" The Elders
prayed and prayed, but it was no use. They would never learn the
Meaning of Existence. Eld-Ar the Elder touched the last place Munchkin
Man had stood and then Eld-Ar the Elder wept.
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April, 2008 AD --
LNHHQ, Net.ropolis --
Kid Anarky lying in his bed looked at the old picture of his Net.Patrol
buddies. The picture had been taken a week before Lost Cause Boy had
died. Causie. Pliable Lad and Curly were also in the picture. Weird.
There should have been someone else in the picture. Shouldn't there
have been? Kid Anarky put the picture down on his bed. They were all
gone. He was the last one. The last member of the Net.Patrol. Maybe
he could start a new one. Nah. Who would remember? Better to just
leave it dead.
From out of nowhere, his Claymore suddenly popped into his hand. Where
did that come from? He hadn't seen that in a long time. Something must
be up. Christ. What did it matter to him. He felt a chill inside him.
A trenchcoat. He felt strange urge to wear a trenchcoat. Weird.
Kid Anarky dropped the Claymore on his bed and stumbled off of it. He
walked over to his closet. There was nothing in there. No trenchcoats.
They were all at the cleaners. Except -- this one, he thought as he
brushed his hand over the fuzzy pink trenchcoat. He pulled it off the
hanger. Why did he still have this one? Who had given it to him? He
put the fuzzy pink trenchcoat up to his nose and took a whiff. Christ.
The Catgirl. There was a catgirl. He couldn't remember who she was.
No. Sometimes he could. When he was incredibly drunk.
He slipped the fuzzy pink trenchcoat on and closed the closet door. He
looked over to his bed. The Claymore had disappeared. Hah, typical.
He looked at the carpet near the door. Weird. Cigarettes. Where did
those come from? He began to pick them up and opened his door. More
cigarettes. They were forming some kind of trail. He followed the
trail picking up more cigarettes. Wow, I must be really bored, he thought.
The last cigarette in the trail was half of one. Split in half. What
happened to the other half? It all led to a wall that was shimmering
some psychedelic colors defying the beigeness of the world around it.
Kid Anarky touched it. Some type of portal.
Okay. Let's see here. The smart thing to do would be to get some of
the LNH experts here so that they could figure what this thing was, he
supposed.
But hell -- since when did he ever do the smart thing? I mean come on!
Kid Anarky walked straight through the portal. Pink Fuzzy Trenchcoat
and all.
The portal vanished a little bit afterwards.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
April 2008 AD --
LNHHQ, Net.ropolis --
Contraption Man, Dr. Stomper, Irony Man, Occultism Kid, and Ripping
Dancer flashed into the LNH's Starship Hangar Bay. All five collapsed
on the floor. The euphoria that they had felt when they had gone to
1994 was completed drained by the oppressive beigeness that loomed over
everything.
Ripping Dancer clutched her stomach. She felt like throwing up.
"Ripping Dancer? Are you all right?" asked Dr. Stomper.
She shook her head.
Dr. Stomper helped her up. "We need to get her some medical help."
Contraption Man shook his head. "No time for that. Something very bad
is going to happen in the next few minutes. We need to take this
starship and get the hell out of here."
Dr. Stomper eyed Contraption Man. "What's going to happen?"
"Trust me -- something bad. And we can't do anything to fix it.
Ripping Dancer will have a better chance on the ship. Trust me."
Contraption Man opened the hatch to the Starship Snobbie (named after
deceased member Comic Snob Boy)
Irony Man and Dr. Stomper helped Ripping Dancer into the ship.
"Occultism Kid? You coming on board?" Contraption Man watched as
Occultism Kid appeared to be urinating on one of the LNH Space.thingees.
Contraption Man had a bad feeling that the NTB retcon on Occultism Kid
was still taking effect.
"Yeah. What the hell. I assume that thing has a totally stocked up
liquor cabinet?"
Contraption Man gave a sigh. "Just strap yourself in. Everyone strap
yourself in."
A few minutes later, the hangar doors opened up and the LNH Starship
Snobbie blasted off. A few minutes later it was past Earth's orbit.
And just at that moment, Renegade Programmer pushed a button that caused
the Sincerity Satellite to start bathing the Loonivearth with sincerity
rays.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Ancient Qwerty --
1994 BC --
Kid Recap looked at the frozen ice block that Bart was still trapped in.
Was that it? Was it that simple?
There were still problems though. He had 15 fully powered Dvorakians
with him. Maybe they could stay here for a week or so, so the Glory
virus could finish them off. Then there would also be the Dvorakians in
the present that they'd have to deal with, although since Ultimate Ninja
would hopefully get his memory back that would be his problem. What
else? Oh yes. He was going to have leave 70 or so members here since
they would have to siphon gas from two of the ships to get the three
remaining ships back to the present.
But in the end, at least they didn't have to fight Bart. At least they
had avoided that one pot hole. As Kid Recap watched the Elders praying
for Munchkin Man to return, he heard something.
A cracking sound? Probably the ice. Just the ice cracking because of
the temperature. Just the...
Kid Recap looked back at the ice block, which was now a number of pieces
of ice. And no Bart. No Bart? No Bart!!!!
Kid Recap scanned the horizon and then he saw it. A man flying in the
air. A man in Bart's Dark Receptionist costume.
Oh hell.
Bart floated closer. His skin crackled lightening. His eyes looked
like they had entire galaxies imprisoned in them. And the smile on his
face -- well, the less said about that the better.
Bart waved his hand as he looked at the burlap sack containing the Ring
of Retconn and Insanity Gauntlet. "Oh. You can have those if you want.
I don't need them anymore."
"You can all go on your merry way if you want." A ball of energy began
to crackle in his left palm. His eyes seemed more interested in the
energy ball than the LNH.
And then as if realizing that the LNH was still there, "Oh. You don't
want to leave? You want to stay? Perhaps worship me? Build me a
church or something. No? Oh. You want to fight. Yes. You want to
die. I understand." Bart laughed. "I understand completely." The
energy ball disappeared from his hand.
"Ultimate Ninja! Kill him!" shouted Kid Recap.
The Ultimate Ninja hurled a number of Ninja Bushes and then twirled and
flipped his body towards Bart. The Ultimate Ninja tried a number of
moves, but nothing worked. And then Bart lunged into the Ultimate
Ninja's chest. And he pulled out the Ultimate Ninja's beating heart.
His real beating heart. He dropped the Ultimate Ninja's body on the
ground and looked at the heart for a few seconds. And then he dropped
the heart. "Hmm. The Ultimate Ninja is dead. That was -- hmm -- That
was very -- easy. Funny. For some reason -- thought it would be
harder. I always imagined it being a lot harder than that. Oh well."
He did something that caused all the blood on his hand to vanish.
And then he rubbed his hands.
Bart smiled. "Okay. Who's next?"
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**** <<--BM-->> ****
NEXT: A lot of dead LNH'rs!
**** <<--BM-->> ****
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Credits:
Ideas for Beige Midnight by Saxon Brenton, James Enright, Lalo Martins,
Martin Phipps, Rob Rogers, and Arthur Spitzer...
Dekay and Diskolor, The Bryttle Brothers created by Todd "Scavenger"
Kogutt, used with permission...
Bart the Dark Receptionist - Ken Schmidt
Qwerty and the Dvorakians - Drizzt
LNH'rs
Captain Continuity - Mystic Mongoose
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
Footnote Girl - Saxon Brenton
Kid Anarky - Stephan Savoie
Kid Recap - Josh Geurick
Munchkin Man - ????
Procrastination Boy - ???
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Renegade Programmer - wReam
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
Secret Retcon Hour Team:
Amnesia - Drizzt
Contraption Man - Drizzt
Dr. Stomper - T. M. Neeck
Hexadecimal Luthor - Chris Hare and Saxon Brenton
Irony Man - Doug Moran
Occultism Kid - Josh Geurick
Ripping Dancer - Arthur Spitzer
Legion of Net.FreedomLovers:
Barrage - Rob Rogers
Head Honcho Master - Arthur Spitzer
Londonbroil - Rob Rogers
Mr. Homage - Drizzt
Mynabird (suit) - Rob Rogers
(mite) - Arthur Spitzer
The Robot with Lawrence Welks Brain - Arthur Spitzer
Rumor Monger - wReam
Vector Sublime - Rob Rogers and Arthur Spitzer
Legion of Net.Hippies - Arthur Spitzer
Writer's Notes:
For those who are confused by this...
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Infinite_Leadership_Crisis
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/List_of_Infinite_Leadership_Crisis_Stories
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Countdown
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Midnight
Probably won't help.
How's that for a heavily researched depiction of Australia? :)
Oh, I do realize that Summer is Winter in Australia...
Wow, did it take like 8 months for me to write this? (Well more like 7
months to procrastinate and one month to write). Uhhggggg. I mostly
blame my hatred of my current writing ability for the lateness of
this... once I stopped caring about any sort of quality I did manage to
get this finished. Since I do have the ability to write at least 4000
words a week, this should have only taken me 4 weeks at the most. I'm
hoping the next one will come out faster. I'm giving myself an ultimate
deadline of April 29, 2011 for the whole series.
As for the stuff in this...
Since we're in the 2010's (Teens?)... I guess we're now in the wallowing
on 90s nostalgia decade... so everything from the 90s is cool again.
Usenet, LNH, RACC... you name it... It's all hip.
You know your story is a mess when you have to distinguish 1994 AD from
1994 BC...
Why Retcon Hour? Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Retcon Hour for those of you who haven't been reading the LNH since 1994
was a massive crossover involving time travel and massive retcons.
Contraption Man working for wReamicus Maximus betrayed the LNH and stuff.
Here's some more about it...
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Retcon_Hour
Don't think you have to read it though to understand this issue though...
All this happened in the summer between my highschool years and my
college years...
All the stuff about Crocodile Dundee hats and Munchkin Man seemed
funnier in my head.
I did finally realize what Munchkin Man's greatest weakness is: Negative
exp points. Those are killer.
Freezing Bart for a million years was Lalo's idea. Had my doubts about
it at first, but since Lalo was still going to write this arc back then,
I figured he could do whatever he wanted. That being said, I will admit
that it solved a lot of problems so probably just as well that he
thought it up.
Till next time then.
Arthur "Blahhhh!" Spitzer
Arthur Spitzer
[Cover: A split screen with Bart the Dark Receptionist in the middle.
The first half of the cover shows a frozen half of Bart with the
Insanity Gauntlet in his hand. The bottom says B.C. The last half of
the cover shows the past half of Bart walking along Alt.stralian beaches
holding a kangaroo on a leash. The bottom says A.D. In between the BC
and AD is the number 1994. And beneath that in bold lettering is
'RETCON HOUR!']
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The place -- Alt.stralia, 1994, Retcon Hour.
The time --
B E I G E
M I D N I G H T
The number -- S I X
The Writer -- Arthur Spitzer
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Alt.stralia --
1994 AD --
Retcon Hour --
A man walked along a sandy beach kicking away at stray seashells. A
year from now he would sell his soul to a demon named Frank. Thirteen
years from now using two powerful cosmic items: The Ring of Retconn and
the Insanity Gauntlet, he would kidnap over 465 members of the LNH
during a time called Infinite April. And the year after that he would
free two highly powered cosmic beings known as the Bryttle Brothers
unleashing them on the Looniverse. But that's the future. Now, he was
just a man. A man named Bartholomew Bartley. A man walking along a
sandy beach -- kicking stray seashells.
Bart watched as the ocean swept away at his feet. He saw a fat man
sitting on a beach mat eating a vegemite sandwich. By him was a radio
playing the 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport' song. Christ! Is that all
they played in Alt.stralia? If it wasn't the Kangaroo song, it was
'Downunder' by Men at Work, or 'Waltzing Matilda'. If he had to hear
those three songs over and over again all through his vacation he was
going to go insane. He'd become a supervillain and devote the rest of
his life to destroying the Looniverse. That's what he'd do.
He looked at all of these people lying on their beach blankets. Strange
how all of them were wearing Crocodile Dundee type hats. And also how
everyone of them seemed to have a pet kangaroo. The women wore these
weird bikini tops that had zipper pouches on them. Kangaroo bikinis
they were called. Like those shoes they had when he was a kid with the
zipper pouches. Guess that's what life was like in Alt.stralia.
How did he get here? God. Sandy was supposed to be here. They had
planned this trip together. And now that was over. He was here alone.
Sandy had moved on to better things. Better guys. He looked at all
the couples lying on their beach blankets soaking up the sun. He should
have stayed in Net.ropolis. This whole trip was going to be miserable.
He should have never dropped out of college. If he had stayed in
college maybe Sandy wouldn't have broken it off with him. Now he had
nothing. A stupid receptionist job. Why did he do that? Adventure.
It was the LNH. Every day was supposed to be an adventure. Well, if
getting coffee for some homicidal temperamental ninja and being called
Fred was an adventure then he was having the adventure of a lifetime.
What a joke. No one even knew his name there. No, that wasn't
completely true. Catalyst Lass did.
Catalyst Lass. He thought about her perfect face. Her perfect hair.
Her perfect everything. No. It didn't mean much her knowing his name.
He was a nobody receptionist. She was involved with Particle Man.
They were all above him.
As he walked, he noticed some guy with a van who was waving at him. Out
of curiosity, he walked over to the waving man. "Umm -- there a problem?"
"Ah, g'day, mate! You a Yank, right?"
Bart nodded.
"Thought so! Good thing you ran into me, Mate! Can't walk around like
that!"
"Walk around like what?"
"Without your Crocodile Dundee hat! And where's your pet roo!? Crikey!"
Bart shrugged his shoulders.
"Well, you need them! It's Hogan's Law!"
"Hogan's Law?"
"Yes, after his Majesty! Emperor Paul Hogan! You've heard of him,
haven't you? Ruler of the Alt.stralian Empire? Last remaining Super
Power in the world ever since the Soviet Unio.net collapsed? No?! You
Seppos are an oblivious lot, aren't you?"
Bart thought about it, but something seemed wrong about that. But the
more he thought about the more correct it seemed.
"Anyways, under Hogan's Law all people over the age of 15 must wear
Crocodile Dundee hats, have a boomerang, and have with them at all times
a pet roo! Fortunately for you, Mate, I have all of these items in my
van. You got $500, Mate? I do take American!"
Bart looked in his wallet. "All I have is $350..."
"That'll do!" said the man quickly snatching the money away.
"Say, why does my kangaroo have an eye patch?"
"Oh, umm, that's a sign of good luck! Yeah, good luck!" said the man
hopping quickly into his van.
"Wait! What do they eat?"
"Dunno, grass? Well, it's been a blast! Catch ya 'round, Mate!" he
said as the van sped away.
Bart looked at his one eye kangaroo. He put his Crocodile Dundee hat
on. This vacation was a bad idea. He needed to go back home.
He should go back to college. Get a good job. Find some girl who
didn't expect much. Get married. Have a family. And die. Wasn't that
the meaning of life?
The meaning of existence?
Bart looked at the ocean sweeping away everything.
Suddenly he felt a chill.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Ancient Qwerty --
1994 BC --
In a Cave --
There was a man who was oblivious to the world. He was oblivious to the
icy cave that surrounded him. To the ring and gem filled gauntlet that
his hands were wearing. To his various names he had gone through life
with: Bartholomew Bartley, Bart the Receptionist, Bart the Dark
Receptionist, King Qwert-El.
He was too enraptured by an idea. An idea that the caves had put into
his head. He was the answer to all questions. He was the meaning of
the Looniverse. He was the meaning of all existence. He was the
purpose. It all finally made sense. Everything. All the death, all
the stupidity, all the insanity.
He had reached nirvana.
He wanted to stay here. Till the end. And he didn't care about
anything else. Not about all of the crimes he had committed to get
here. He was oblivious to all his sins.
He didn't care about all of the enemies he had made. He didn't care
about the LNH.
The LNH that was coming here. Coming here to take all of this away from
him.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
THE BART AGE PART II
'The Ice Caverns of Existence'
**** <<--BM-->> ****
1994 AD --
Retcon Hour --
Alt.stralia --
For a brief moment, Ripping Dancer almost lost her balance. Although do
to her dancing powers she quickly regained it in time to keep from
falling down. Her fellow Secret Time Traveling Comrades weren't so
fortunate as they all hit the ground.
Ripping Dancer looked all around her. This was the past. God. The
past. This was 1994. 14 years ago. She would have been a little kid.
How old? Nine years old maybe? Living back in Net.ropolis.
The colors. She had almost forgotten what a blue sky looked like. It
was overwhelming. Green grass. Yellow flowers.
And the air was fresh. Not like the rotting, decaying air from the
Beige World they had escaped from. Everything was alive here. She was
alive.
And for the first time in a long time she felt hope. They would win.
She would beat cancer. Everything would work out. Hope still existed here.
She finally realized what Dekay and Diskolor were doing to the world.
They hadn't woken up yet, but even sleeping on their thrones they were
slowly poisoning the world. Killing the future. Draining everything away.
But color still existed here. Everything here was still wonderful.
Full of life. She felt giddy and happy. And she didn't feel sick.
She looked at her fellow teammates.
The villains: Hex Luthor, Amnesia, and maybe Irony Man.
Her fellow LNH'rs: Dr. Stomper, Occultism Kid, and Contraption Man.
They all looked happy.
Except for Contraption Man.
He didn't look happy.
No, he didn't look happy at all.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Net.ropolis --
April 2008 AD--
Procrastination Boy gazed through the crack in the Fourth Wall. He
watched one of the Beige Midnight Writers lying on a bed watching DVDs.
Doing absolutely nothing productive.
Damn. How long had he been doing this? Just sitting here trying to
stop the whole Beige Midnight series? Had it been a month? He couldn't
keep doing this. He had managed to slow the whole series down. But it
was still coming out.
It was all kind of absurd. Thinking he could stop this. He was
Procrastination Boy. He was nothing. Why was he here? Eventually
Dekay and Diskolor would wake up. No amount of Procrastination Energy
could stop them. Everyone was doomed. He was doomed. The world was
coming to an end in a couple of more weeks. He had so much stuff to do
and so little time to do in. No. He was through with this. This
didn't matter.
Saving the Looniverse Time was over. Now it was goofing off time.
Procrastination Boy walked away from the crack, which started to shrink
and eventually completely vanished without the Procrastination Energy to
keep it stable.
As Procrastination Boy made his way back to the LNHHQ TV room, he saw
some loony with a sign.
The text on the sign read: "Bryttle is the Future."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Ancient Qwerty --
1,001,992 BC --
Kid Recap watched as another arrow crashed into the force field Munchkin
Man had erected.
How did all this start?
Well, you'd probably have to go back to March 31, 2007 AD when the
Ultimate Ninja had decided to take a month off for vacation. Fearless
Leader took over and he disappeared. And after that leader after leader
disappeared for about 465 days each day. The LNH found out that it was
their former receptionist Bart who was behind the kidnappings. He was
working for Dekay and Diskolor, the Bryttle Brothers who were planning
to destroy the entire Looniverse on April 29th, 2008 AD. Bart had made
a deal with them where he'd go to the past (1,004,000 years ago) and be
that planet's King Qwert-El for a million years. Of course the LNH
needed both the Ring of Retconn and Insanity Gauntlet (both of which
Bart had possession of) to stop the Bryttle Brothers from destroying the
Looniverse, so they had to time travel back (which caused everyone
except for Munchkin Man and him to forget everything due to a Amnesia
barrier created by Kid Recap's arch-enemy Amnesia that causes anyone to
time travel past it to forget everything that happened) to get those
items from Bart.
And now here he was fighting some cloned LNH army that Bart had created.
Well, not really fighting at the moment. Munchkin Man using his Ring
of Force Field Protection Bubbles (+88,993) had enveloped the entire LNH
in one and now they were watching as the cloned army's primitive weapons
were bouncing off the invisible bubble.
"How long will this force field last?" said Kid Recap looking at
Munchkin Man.
"hmm, maybe another 12 hours or so."
"Think we should fight them?"
Munchkin Man shook his tiny little blue head. "naw, they're hardly
worth any exp. points."
Exp. points were the last thing that Kid Recap was concerned about. Kid
Recap was pretty sure that the LNH would have no problem defeating these
clones, he just didn't want it to be a massacre. He wondered what Bart
was thinking. The clones were clearly no match for the LNH even in its
amnesiac state. Perhaps there was no logic behind it. After all Bart
was wearing the Insanity Gauntlet, which did funny things to the brains
of its users.
Kid Recap looked at the rest of his troops. They were starting to get
restless. He was going to have to come to a decision quickly before it
all got completely out of hand.
And that's when he saw that the Ultimate Ninja had returned. He was
outside of the force field bubble coming towards it, effortlessly
deflecting any arrows or other weapons that flew towards him with his
Ginsu Katana.
Kid Recap wondered if the force field was strong enough to keep the
Ultimate Ninja out as the ninja tapped it with his finger. "Umm, hi,
UN. Found Bart yet?"
"No. I haven't been searching for him. I suspect there isn't any so
called Bart. And if there really is it's probably you. I've been
secretly observing you instead. Watching your every move. I have to
admit at first I was puzzled why you weren't fighting someone that was
clearly attacking you. But I realized that this was all part of a
cunning trap. That you and the army that is attacking you are working
together. You were obviously hoping that I'd join up with the 'enemy
army' and that when I least expected it you'd both betray me. That was
your plan, wasn't it?"
"Umm, no -- look, UN, there is no plot against you. Those people out
there attacking us are part of Bart's army and..."
"So you won't be bothered if I kill every last one of them then?"
"What? No! I mean, wait!"
"Hhh -- thought so," Ultimate Ninja said turning his back towards Kid
Recap and heading for Bart's clone LNH army. His hand twirled his
Katana blade like a buzz saw.
Kid Recap winced a bit as he saw the Hurricane of Death and Destruction
that was the Ultimate Ninja meet the cloned army. In only seconds
severed arms and legs flew off into the battlefield. The smarter clones
took that moment to scram for their lives. Less smart (or braver)
clones fought a battle that they had no chance of winning.
Kid Recap knew he had to do something to stop this. "Munchkin Man,
you've got to stop this! Somehow, someway stop the Ultimate Ninja!"
Munchkin Man gave Kid Recap a, are you completely *Insane* look. "umm,
negative exp. points! i can't fight a fellow member of our quest party!
negative exp!!!"
"Umm, so?"
"neg-a-tive. e-x-p," said Munchkin Man mouthing out the words.
"Right." Kid Recap thought about appealing to Munchkin Man's sense of
decency and humanity, but realized that would probably be a complete
waste of time. "Captain Continuity! You -- the guy in the gaudy orange
costume! Yeah, you! You need to stop the Ultimate Ninja!!"
"Umm, you want me to stop that thing?" Captain Continuity said pointing
to the black tornado made of ninja bushes and Ginsu Katanas that was
leaving a trail of bloody corpses as it made its way across the
battlefield. "That thing?"
"Look, you're Captain Continuity -- perhaps the most powerful member of
the LNH," especially if you ignore all the even more powerful members
thought Kid Recap, "You can punch planets and walk on stars! There's no
possible way that the Ultimate Ninja can possibly hurt you! Honest!"
That wasn't completely true, but Kid Recap figured there was probably no
point in mentioning the numbers of ways and techniques that the Ultimate
Ninja had for crippling and even killing powerful Cosmic beings. Nope,
no point in doing that.
"Well, I guess if I can't get hurt then..."
"Yes!" Kid Recap gave Captain Continuity a slap on the back. "Go to
it! Save the clones!"
Kid Recap watched as Captain Continuity flew off to battle the Ultimate
Ninja. Well, hopefully the Ultimate Ninja's amnesia had caused him to
forget all of those techniques for crippling and killing Cosmic beings.
Because otherwise, this wouldn't be pretty.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
April 2008 AD --
Net.ropolis --
Top floor of the HexCorp Tower --
"And first thing I'd like to thank General Hex Luthor for allowing us
use of his Tower as the new Headquarters for the Legion of
Net.FreedomLovers," said Mynabird, leader of the Legion of
Net.FreedomLovers, as he swiveled slightly in his very large chair still
armored in his new patriotic colored mecha suit discolored by the
Beigeness that surrounded everyone. "So give him a hand."
There was a bit of half-hearted applause and some yawns from Mynabird's
supervillain generals who were all seated around him as Hex Luthor
(actually a robot duplicate of Hex Luthor) stood up from his chair.
"Oh yes! And apparently I'm also now the new Ebony King for the HexFire
Club -- for whatever that's worth. Anyway onto the matters at hand.
Let's see -- what's first on our agenda?" Mynabird glanced at his Head
General and second in command Vector Sublime.
"Vaccinations for Dr. Virus Love's virus, which is right now being
transmitted all over the globe using the LNHHQ satellites."
"Right. Well, has every member of our team been vaccinated? Well, if
not -- sucks to be you. Next item?"
Vector Sublime glanced at the paper in her hand. "Mr. Tiddles is still
missing. There is no trace of him after his escape from the LNHHQ
holding cells."
"Pffttt," hissed General Barrage. "We don't need that overrated
primadonna!" The gray striped cat began to lick one of his paws violently.
"Maybe, still keep looking. And how about Manga Man? Any progress on
that front?"
Vector Sublime shook her head. "Our team we sent to
alt.sex.prudish.prudish.prudes led by Demented Designer hasn't reported
yet."
"And how about wReamicus Maximus? Is his new body ready yet?"
"Ja! Maybe un one or un two or maybe un tree days tops!" answered
General The Robot with Lawrence Welks Brain. "Und then the world shall
polka like it's never polka-ed before!!!!"
"Good, good. And how goes this plan of yours involving Amnesia, Hex?"
Mynabird said looking the Hex Luthor robot duplicates face.
"That? Well, here's the thing," the Hex Luthor robot duplicate started
to say standing up again. "I'm not really Hex Luthor. I'm a robot
duplicate made by Dr. Stomper to infiltrate this organization of yours.
The real Hex Luthor has betrayed you and has taken Amnesia and himself
to sometime in the past to help the LNH on some mission in exchange for
a time machine pack."
"Why are you telling me this?" Mynabird said still sitting in his chair.
"Because I am no longer under the control of Dr. Stomper. I speak
solely for the LNH Robot Duplication Machine version 2.02 who wishes to
make a deal with you."
"The LNH Robot Duplication Machine? That thing that sent an army of
robot duplicates to imprison every supervillain in Net.ropolis? It
wants to make a deal with me?" -- [See LNH Comics Presente #500].
"That was the old flawed version you're referring to. No, this new
version is much more aware of the reality of the threats we're facing
and realizes that you and not the LNH are the future of the world. The
LNH Robot Duplication Machine realizes that you are the only chance to
bring Utopia to this world of ours and end all of this pointless
fighting that the LNH ignores as they maintain the status-quo."
"True, but how can I trust you?"
"There are the only two choices for us. Mynabird or Death. Obviously
Mynabird is the most logical choice."
"You make an excellent point." Mynabird crackled his metal suits
knuckles. "Well, tell the LNH Robot Duplication Machine we'll make a deal."
The Hex Luthor robot duplicate gave a nod.
"Okay, any other business to discuss?"
A hand shot up.
"General Londonbroil? You have something to say?"
"Nah, just love being called General Londonbroil. Bloody marvelous that."
Mynabird rolled his eyes (his new suit had eye rolling capabilities --
just so you know). "Any *other* business?!"
Another hand shot up.
"And you are?" said Mynabird straining a bit to recognize this stranger.
"Head Honcho Master. General Head Honcho Master. I have the power to
control Head Honchos."
"I see. And your question?"
"Why don't we attack the LNH right now? I mean they only have half
their team at there headquarters right now -- the other half being in
space. I mean shouldn't we strike while the iron is hot?"
"Ah, well -- you see, it's like this: Easily-Discovered Man Lite is in
space so as you can clearly see it would be pointless to fight them.
Does that answer your question?"
"Umm, no. Why does it matter if Easily-Discovered Man Lite isn't with
the LNH? I mean the LNH is at half size right now, we'll have a lot
easier time fighting a half sized LNH than a full sized one. I mean why
don't we just fight the LNH right now -- beat them and then we can fight
the space team when they come back. Don't you see -- it will be easier
that way? It makes logical sense!"
Mynabird tapped the table with one of his fingers. "Okay, maybe this
will help you understand. Look at my finger." Mynabird pointed his
finger right at General Head Honcho Master. "Do you see my finger?"
General Head Honcho Master nodded.
"Okay, now watch this." A black energy ray zapped from Mynabird's
finger reducing General Head Honcho Master to a pile of ash on his
chair. "Okay, now do you understand? If you do, please remain a pile
of ash." General Head Honcho Master remained a pile of ash. "There,
that wasn't so hard, was it? Okay, anyone else not understand why we're
waiting till Easily-Discovered Man Lite comes back before we fight the LNH?"
Everyone at the table shook their heads.
"Good. Then I guess this meeting is adjourned." Mynabird slammed his
tiny little gavel.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"So, hear any thing juicy?"
The voice startled Rumor Monger as he took his ear off of the door and
turned around. "Mr. Homage?"
"Yes, good to see you too, Rumor Monger. So, what was that meeting all
about?"
"Well, it would probably be best to discuss this somewhere less exposed,
if you catch my meaning."
Mr. Homage nodded.
A little bit later in a less exposed place...
"I thought Mynabird wanted your head?"
"Well, that umm -- let's just say that we came to an understanding --
and Mynabird realized how useful a person with my sorta skills could be."
"Hmmpfft," snorted Mr. Homage. "That's weakness. I would have never
tolerated any traitor. They'd know what it meant to betray me." Mr.
Homage clenched his iron fist.
Rumor Monger gulped in agreement. "And that's why you were the best
leader ever. Honest!"
"What are the feelings out there? Is it ripe for a coup?"
Rumor Monger shook his head. "I think most are satisfied at the moment.
I think everyone's going to wait till the battle happens and then --
well, who knows."
"It's stupid. He's leading everyone off the cliff. Don't they see
that? You can't beat the LNH! You just can't! I realized that the
first time I battled them. They are a part of the system and once you
realize that you can work that to your advantage. But you can't beat them."
"So true, so true!" nodded Rumor Monger.
"We were the best -- The Brotherhood. We were what every villain
aspired to be. We were the kings and queens of the supervillain
community. And now look at us. All the members of that ridiculous
Surreptitious Seven get to be generals -- but only one member of the
Brotherhood? And to make matters worse it's that stooge Lagneto. Is
this right? Tell me, Rumor Monger, is this right?"
"Of course not. It's a travesty of justice, it is." Rumor Monger
shrugged his hands. "Ah, but what can you do?"
"Who is Mynabird? Tell me you know that, Rumor Monger!"
"Well, I've heard all kinds of rumors. Hitler, Stalin, Jesus, Gandhi,
Babe Ruth, Walt Disney, Elvis, James Dean, Rebel Yell, Marilyn Monroe,
and even..."
"No, no, no! We knew who he was. At least we used to. I mean it was
in the papers. It was all over the news. He revealed his face to the
world! Don't you remember?"
Rumor Monger frowned. "You're right. I did know who he was. He's --
umm -- damn, it's gone."
"He's erased it from our minds."
"Maybe he used Amnesia to wipe everyone's minds?"
"Maybe. Where is Amnesia?"
"Apparently somewhere in the past," said Rumor Monger as he explained
about what Hex Luthor had done.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
1994 AD --
Retcon Hour --
Alt.stralia --
Dr. Stomper looked at his watch. "This is the past. 1994 to be exact.
The most important events during this era were the Tonya Harding
incident and the O.J. Simpson trial..."
"Yeah, maybe we should solve that Simpson murder thing, while we're
here," yawned Hex Luthor.
Ignoring him, Dr. Stomper continued. "The grunge look was a trendy
style of dress. Crystal clear beverages like Crystal Clear Mr. Paprika
were also quite popular. And a common form of greeting that people
would use during this era was the so called, 'How's it Hangin'?' type
salutation."
"I think we already know all this, Vincent," said Irony Man.
"Yes, well. All of that is irrelevant anyway since we're currently in
the Retcon Hour period of time. And because we're in Alt.stralia we're
presently within a recotheric bubble where Alt.stralia is the last
remaining Super Power. More specifically this is the Alt.stralia
Empire. Apparently Einstein's parents moved to Alt.stralia when he was
a child. It was there he thought up the Theory of Relativity and helped
the Alt.stralian Government build the first Atomic Bomb during the war."
"Heh. Just like that movie. You know, Young Einstein. Umm, Yahoo
Serious? It has this funny scene where kittens are being put into a
pie. They escape though. You know the one?" Everyone looked at
Ripping Dancer with a bewildered expression. "*Ahem* Nevermind. Just
ignore that." Ripping Dancer stepped slightly back with a sheepish look
on her face.
"Anyway," said Dr. Stomper moving back to the matters at hand, "Because
of Alt.stralian law we're going to need Crocodile Dundee hats and
kangaroos."
Irony Man nodded. "I've got people who can get us those items."
"We also have a limited amount of time. The mystical paint I put on our
heads will only last about 12 hours at the most," added Occultism Kid.
"After that we forget everything. We'll need to get Bart, put the chip
in him, and get back to the future before that happens."
"Good to know," nodded Contraption Man. "So, we've got 12 hours."
"Actually less than that, since the energy that our Retcon protection
rings will give out in maybe 11 and a half." Dr. Stomper looked at his
watch. "Make that 11 and 28 minutes."
Contraption Man looked at the ring on his finger. "Okay. Let's stop
wasting time then. Let's find Bart. Let's get this done!"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Ancient Qwerty --
1,001,992 BC --
"Okay, can you just hear me out for a second." Kid Recap looked at the
Ultimate Ninja who was being contained in some energy cocoon that
Captain Continuity had created.
"This won't hold me for ever, you know," said the Ultimate Ninja testing
the boundaries of the energy prison with his fingers.
"Look, UN. We're on the same side. You're the leader of the LNH. You
have nothing to fear from me or anyone! I want to let you go, I will
let you go, but you need to make me a promise. A promise that you won't
kill me or anyone else when we let you go. Can you do that? UN?"
The Ultimate Ninja was silent for a moment and then he spoke. "No. No
promises. No deals. Never!" The Ultimate Ninja clenched his fist
defiantly.
Kid Recap dug his fingers into his head and sighed. "Oh the hell with
this. Just let him go, Captain Continuity."
"Umm -- what?" said Captain Continuity with a look of disbelief.
"I told you, let him go. I mean he's right. He's going to find a way
to escape regardless. And when he does he's going to kill us all.
There's nothing we can do to stop this. So what the hell, just let him
go. I mean what's the point of waiting? We'll be dead no matter what.
I mean if he wants to kill us he can do that. I mean sure once he's
killed us, he'll never know who he was and he'll be stuck here for the
rest of his life since we're the only ones who can get him back to where
he belongs, but -- hey, if he wants to do that then fine."
"Umm..." said Captain Continuity.
"Let him go."
Captain Continuity shrugged his hands and released the Ultimate Ninja.
The Ultimate Ninja did a flip and landed on his feet. His Ginsu blade
twirled in his hand.
"So, are you going to kill us all?" said Kid Recap with a bored
expression on his face.
The Ultimate Ninja hesitated as if he was trying to figure out what type
of game Kid Recap was playing. Finally he said, "Maybe later."
"Okay then. While you're waiting to kill us, we're going to be finding
Bart. If you want, you can tag along." Kid Recap turned his back to
the Ultimate Ninja and walked towards where the surviving prisoners of
Bart's cloned army were being kept. The Ultimate Ninja followed.
As Kid Recap scanned the prisoners, one of them caught his eye. The
prisoner looked exactly like Bart. Could it be? There was something
not quite right here. He walked over to the prisoner.
"You. What's your name?" The Bart look-a-like didn't say a word. "Are
you King Qwert-El? Are you?" More silence. Kid Recap scanned him with
his iThingee. Whoever he was, he had Qwertian DNA. He wasn't human.
"Okay, if you're not King Qwert-El, then where is he?"
The Bart look-a-like looked straight at Kid Recap. "I don't know. They
made me do this."
"Who? Who made you do this?"
"The Elders! They made me impersonate the king! It was there doing!"
"Okay. Where are they? These Elders?"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
As the LNH prepared to make there way to the castle to find these Elders
and Bart, Kid Recap took one look back at the battle. At the carnage
and cloned corpses that littered the ground. One of the corpses looked
exactly like Kid Recap. Kid Recap turned his head.
Time to face Bart.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
April, 2008 AD --
A Net.ropolis Supermarket --
Fearless Leader browsed the assortments of cereals. They seemed to be
out of his favorite brand -- 'Beaties' -- the Breakfast of People who
beat People up. Fearless Leader sighed. Maybe he could try something
new. What was this? he thought looking at a box that had
Easily-Discovered Man Lite's grinning face. Easily-Discovered Bran
Flakes? Hadn't they banned this? Still the Supermarket had a bunch of
boxes that were on sale. 'Now with more Tasty Arachnicide in Every
Bite!' Going against all common sense, Fearless Leader put a box into
his hand held cart.
Ripping Dancer. Tara. Fearless Leader closed his eyes. Why did she go
off into space? Fearless Leader sighed. Nothing he could do about it
now. Just wait. And hope.
Fearless Leader opened his eyes again. There was some kind of commotion
happening. A crowd of people were gathering. Two old ladies were
fighting over something. It was a box of something. He should do
something. He should stop this.
But what good would it do? So what if he stopped this? It wouldn't do
anything. It wouldn't change the world. No matter how many
supervillains you stop, they just keep coming back. Keep escaping. It
never ends.
No. He wouldn't stop this. Let them kill each other. It's all
hopeless. They're all doomed. He didn't have time for this anymore.
He had things to do. This was his time now.
His time.
Fearless Leader walked away as the two ladies continued to brawl. As he
walked away a box of cereal fell onto the floor. On the box were
cartoony depictions of Dekay and Diskolor. 'Bryttle-Os!' There was a
dialogue balloon coming out of Dekay's mouth. 'Bryttle is the Future'
is what it said.
Bryttle is the Future.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
1994 AD --
Retcon Hour --
Alt.stralia --
The 1994 version of Bart was lying on a beach mat trying desperately to
forget everything. Everything in his miserable life. His one eyed
kangroo was nibbling on part of the mat. That was about the time an
open briefcase full of papers fell on him.
"Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry. Please! I'll get those!"
Bart looked up and saw the hottest woman he had ever seen. She had one
of those Crocodile Dundee hats and was wearing one those kangaroo
bikinis. Both of which had various tears and rips on them. She also
had her own kangaroo that looked a lot healthier than the one he had.
God, she was beautiful.
"It's all right," Bart said helping her pick up some of the papers.
"You're an American too, aren't you?"
The woman nodded. "My name's Tara. Look, we're being watched. No,
don't look. You won't be able to see them. Just keep your eyes on me.
Look, you're LNH, aren't you?"
"I -- yeah, I guess..."
"Good. I'm LNH too. Although now I'm a triple agent working for
W.I.R.E.D. (We Intend Rule and Eternal Domination). Look, I've got
papers that I need to give to the LNH. The Entire Future of the World
is at stake. We can't talk here. We need to meet at this restaurant."
Ripping Dancer gave Bart a card. "Will you help me?"
"Uh, sure. Yeah, why not," Bart said looking at the card.
"Good. See you in an hour." With that said she walked away.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Bart clicked his TV on as he lay stretched out on his bed. He looked at
his watch. Tara was supposed to be here in 10 minutes or so with those
secret papers. Was this insane? Was she playing him? Ah, well.
Didn't matter. It was something different.
They had had lunch at a seafood place, and she had told him that she was
coming here. With the papers. That she needed to come here. Or the
world was doomed. This was too much. He should have taken a shower.
But not enough time now. He looked at his watch again.
He heard knocking on his door. Was that her? He hopped off of his bed
to see. It was the room service guy, wearing a Crocodile Dundee hat
with his own room service kangaroo by his side. "Champagne? I didn't
order this."
"Compliments of an Anonymous Acquaintance, mate. Already paid for."
"Umm -- do you want a tip?" The room service guy shook his head.
A little bit later...
Some more knocking. "Tara?"
Ripping Dancer smiled as she walked into Bart's hotel room.
"We've got champagne," said Bart gesturing towards the bottle in a
bucket of ice. "Did you send that?"
Ripping Dancer nodded her head. "It's all part of the job. The spy
job. Could I -- I need to freshen up a bit. Do you mind?"
Bart shook his head. Ripping Dancer made her way towards the bathroom.
Locking the door behind her, she pressed her hands on the sink counter
top and looked at the mirror. What was she doing? She pulled out a
little baggie of pills from her purse and opened it up. She looked at
one of the capsules. She was supposed to break it open and mix it into
his drink. That's what she was supposed to do. This didn't seem right.
Drugging him. He was an evil unstoppable force in the future, but
here -- now, he seemed like an average guy. This was wrong. What they
were doing here. After all Hex Luthor had done and now the LNH was
working with him? She couldn't do this anymore. But Christ! She had
too, didn't she? If she didn't the whole Looniverse was going to die.
God. This was hell.
She needed to go back in room before he started to become suspicious.
She closed her purse and clutched the pill tightly in her hand and went
back into the bedroom.
Bart was opening the champagne bottle. And right as the cork popped
some high pitch sound began to emit. And a few seconds later both Bart
and Ripping Dancer fell to the ground. The champagne bubbled onto the
carpet floor.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"What the hell happened here?" said Occultism Kid entering the room. He
went over to see if Ripping Dancer was all right.
"Sleeper Sonic Cork. Once pulled emits a sound that causes a person to
be knocked out for 10 minutes or so. She's perfectly fine, Occultism
Kid. Come on. Let's get this over with." Hex Luthor walked over to
where Bart had passed out.
"This wasn't part of the plan!"
"I improvised it. I know you 'heroes' are squeamish types. Would
Ripping Dancer have drugged Bart? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't like
putting all my eggs into one basket. So I improvised. Now would
someone help me get Bart onto the bed?"
Irony Man gave Hex Luthor a hand with Bart.
Hex Luthor grabbed the TV remote and started flipping through the
channels. Finally, he stopped on some episode of LNH: The Animated
Series. It was some episode that Occultism Kid hadn't seen. A cartoony
Bruce Timm version of the Ultimate Ninja was asking someone who kind of
looked like Bart for a Mr. Paprika. Lord! Was that actually Bart?
<<What is it?! Tsar Chasm, Acton Lord, and Pearl Jam?! And they've
teamed up?! No!!! I always feared this day would come!! And you're
telling me they've got some type of ray gun that will turn every single
person in the world into a Grunge Rocker!??? Everyone?!!! *Sigh*!
Fred... make that a Double Mr. Paprika!!>>
That wasn't Fred. It looked exactly like Bart. "Does that need to be on?"
Hex Luthor looked at Occultism Kid. "Yes. The mindless blather helps
me concentrate. Problem?"
"Yes, I've got a problem. I've got a problem with this whole damn
thing! How do we know that this isn't what caused Bart to become Evil?!
How do we know!!?"
Hex Luthor shrugged his shoulders. "We don't. But you know what? It
doesn't really matter. Say we don't do this. Maybe Bart doesn't do all
those horrible acts. Maybe he doesn't make a deal with the Bryttles.
But you know someone else will. There's always going to be someone
else. So even if you save Bart, another will take his place."
"You don't know that."
Hex Luthor laughed. "You're naive. You think all the people in the
world are like you. That they'll do the right thing. But they're not.
They're like me. They want power -- money. To be on top of the
mountain and look down on everyone else. That's what they want. But
you wouldn't know about that since you're already on the top. Looking
down at all of us. No. Bart is damned. He's always been damned. And
you can't save him. That ship's sailed. We already know what his
future is. It's all written in stone."
"How did you get this way, Hex?"
"By living in reality. It's a harsh place. You should visit it sometime."
"I'm already there."
"Sure. So still want to do this? Or do you want to save him? Hey,
maybe you could also save me while you're at it! Maybe I could be some
great hero? What do you say to that??!"
Occultism Kid looked at Hex Luthor for a bit. "You know, maybe you're
right. Maybe there are people who just can't be saved." He looked at
the unconscious form of Bart. What could he do? Create some time
paradox? The evil Bart already existed. His teammates were fighting
him in the past. There was nothing he could do. Bart was damned.
"Let's get this over with."
Hex Luthor smirked. "Right."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Ancient Qwerty --
1,001,992 BC --
The three Elders cowered as Kid Recap questioned them. "So you're
saying that Bart is in this -- what is it? Ice Cave?"
"The Ice Caverns of Existence!"
"Umm, yeah. Okay. And he's frozen?"
"Yes, all who are not worthy shall be consumed by the Ice Caverns of
Existence!"
"And so how do we get him out of there?"
"It is impossible! Unless you are the most worthy one! Only he shall
leave the cave unscathed!"
"Right. And who is this most worthy one?"
"No one knows! According to legend he will not arrive until the
Alignment of Flosk, Mirgor, and Dalaton during the time of the UIOP Comet!!"
Kid Recap typed in all that gibberish in the Qwertian Mumbo Jumbo
thingee that Dev-Null had created for the LNH. "1994 BC. Hell." They
were going to have to use the time ships again. Was this some type of
scam by Bart?
"Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad! You! The guy with the top hat! No, not
you. The other guy with the top hat. Yeah, you! I need you to do
something."
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad walked over to where Kid Recap was. "Umm,
yeah?"
"I need you to pull out a paper." Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad did that.
Kid Recap shredded the paper into a number of parts and wrote 1994 BC
and 1,001,992 BC on two of the shredded pieces of paper. And then he
put all of the pieces back into Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad's hat.
"Okay, I need you to close your eyes, ask where we should go next, and
then pull out a piece." Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad nodded his head and
closed his eyes.
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad grabbed a piece of paper and opened his
eyes. "It says 1994 BC."
Kid Recap sighed to himself as he read the same paper and then turned
his head towards Contraption Man (who was actually a robot duplicate of
Contraption Man, but don't tell Kid Recap -- I mean really, there's only
so much a hero can take!) "If we were to time travel to 1994 BC would
we still have enough Time Gas to get back to the Present?"
Contraption Man typed some numbers into his calcuator.thingee. "It's
possible. Assuming we siphon Time Gas from two of the ships, then yes
-- we could send three of our ships back to the present -- if we were to
do that. We'd probably have to strand 70 or so members in that time
period in order to do that."
"70? Damn. You sure about that?"
"According to my calculation, give or take 5 members. Keep in mind once
we get back we could send another Time ship to pick them up."
"I suppose so. Hell. Guess we have no choice. Okay, let's get the
ships ready. We're going to 1994 BC."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
1994 AD --
Retcon Hour --
Alt.stralia --
Bart woke up. God, what a strange dream. A beautiful woman. Something
crawling in his brain. Frozen in a Cave. What else? Damn. It was all
getting fuzzy. He couldn't remember the girl's face. It was -- damn.
What was he thinking of? It was gone. What was the dream about?
Uhhgg! Oh well. Nothing important. Just a stupid dream. His mouth
felt dry. He stumbled out of bed.
As he walked across the carpet, he felt something wet. What the hell?
Why was the carpet wet?
What the hell happened yesterday? Maybe he got really drunk. Who knows.
Bart shook his head.
Back to the miserable world of reality.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Outside of the hotel --
"So, it's done? The chip's in?" said Contraption Man holding a number
of kangaroos on a leash.
Hex Luthor nodded. "Amnesia took care of his memories. He'll never
remember any of this."
Occultism Kid stepped out of the hotel.
"Where's Ripping Dancer?"
Occultism Kid gestured towards the hotel. "She needed to use the ladies
room."
"Is she all right?" asked Dr. Stomper.
"I suppose." Occultism Kid shrugged his hands.
Contraption Man looked at his watch. "Well, we still have plenty of
time at least. Anyone want to..." Before Contraption Man could finish
with that thought a high-pitched screech blasted through the air.
All of the heroes quickly covered their ears. "What the..." said
Occultism Kid who noticed that Hex Luthor had a gun to Dr. Stomper's
head. Occultism Kid tried to chant a spell, but nothing happened.
"Huuhhbbbllaauufffkkkaaa!" said Occultism Kid in futility.
"That sound was a sonic-mystifier. It shuts down the part of the brain
that allows people to perform magic. I always wanted to try it. So
does work Occultism Kid? I guess from the complete impotence you're
displaying -- that would be yes. Now here's the deal. I want your time
pack Contraption Man, Occultism Kid -- give yours to Amnesia. Also
we'll need all of the master codes. And if you don't -- well, I guess
this sidewalk will have the second smartest brain in the Looniverse
splattered all over."
Contraption Man began to unbuckle his time pack. "You don't need to do
this. Your time pack is just like the rest."
"Yeah, sure. Then you won't mind trading. Just drop it there. Both of
you. Amnesia get them. Occultism Kid, Contraption Man -- lie flat --
stomach on the ground. Don't look up."
"And what about me, Hex?" said Irony Man.
"I'm not sure. You could come with us if you want, Toony. You're no
longer one of them. They'll never accept you. They'll never trust you.
You don't have a place with them anymore."
"Maybe. Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not a hero. Maybe I've lost
that forever. Maybe. But I'm still LNH. I'll always be LNH. I was
there for the first fight. And I'll be there with them when the
Bryttles wake up. And if it's my last battle -- well, then it's my last
battle. I'm LNH."
"Well, have a nice funeral, Toony. The Master Code, Contraption Man."
"The Master Code is M-A-S-T-U-R-C-O-A-D."
"You serious? Type that in Amnesia."
"Uh, what?" said Amnesia with a confused look on his face.
"The Master Code! M-A-S-T-U-R-C-O-A-D!"
Amnesia typed that in. "Looks like it works."
"I can't believe I didn't beat you people," said Hex Luthor as he typed
it into his own time pack. "Well, looks like this is goodbye. Wipe all
their minds, Amnesia." A green cloud came from Amnesia's ears and
passed over each hero.
"What the -- what happened? Who -- who are you people?" said
Contraption Man.
"No one that you need concern yourself with," said Hex as he blasted at
the two time packs on the ground -- destroying them. And then both Hex
Luthor and Amnesia disappeared in a flash.
"Contraption Man, did you lose your memory?" asked Irony Man.
"No. Was faking it. I guess Occultism Kid's mystical memory paint
helped protect us." Contraption Man went over to the smoldering pile of
burning time packs examining them. "Looks like we're going to have go
to the LNHHQ and steal some more time packs."
"I can't believe we just let him escape like that," said Occultism Kid.
"Oh, don't worry about it, OK. There's only one place Hex could go
using the time packs. It didn't matter, which ones he used," said
Contraption Man with a grin on his face.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
73,001,992 BC --
Cretaceous Period --
Alt.stralia --
Hex Luthor and Amnesia both stumbled a bit as they flashed into what
looked like wide grassy, jungly, open plain. Hex Luthor could feel
something burning on his back. It was the damn time pack. He and
Amnesia quickly took their packs off and attempted to smother the
flames. The packs were shot to hell.
Hex Luthor scanned the environment and saw something that looked like a
Pterodactyl flying in the sky. And then he spotted a pack of
Velociraptors that were moving his way. Each Velociraptor was wearing a
Crocodile Dundee hat.
Hex Luthor looked back at the smoldering time packs. And then back at
the Velociraptors that were coming closer and closer. Okay. This isn't
1892.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
1994 AD --
Retcon Hour --
Alt.stralia --
"I figure when Beige Midnight is all over we can go back in time and see
if they want a lift." Contraption Man looked at his watch. "Only an
hour and a half left before the retcon rings lose power. We need to
find a way to get to Net.ropolis fast."
"I've got a warehouse in Alt.stralia -- 50 miles from here that has
teleporters," said Irony Man. "Might have to make some modifications
for human transportation though."
"That should be easy enough," nodded Dr. Stomper.
"Ripping Dancer," said Occultism Kid snapping his fingers. "She should
have come out by now. What's taking her so long?"
"Some type of trouble?" asked Contraption Man.
"I'll go check." Occultism Kid headed back into the hotel.
A little bit later...
Occultism Kid shook his head as he walked back outside. "The hotel
people checked all of the bathrooms. She's not there."
"Hell," said Contraption Man looking at his watch again. "We've got to
find her. Once these retcon rings run out -- it could be very bad."
Contraption Man looked at his scanner.thingee. "Damn! This thing is
worthless! Recotheric energy is screwing it up. I can't find anything
with this." And then Contraption Man looked at the retcon protection
ring on his finger. "Hmm. Unless..."
"What are you thinking?" asked Occultism Kid.
"I could attach one of these rings into the scanner and it would protect
the scanner from all of the retcotheric energy. The problem is -- one
of us would have to take a ring off for me to do that. Maybe there's
some other way." Contraption Man opened up the scanner and began to
examine it."
"You couldn't perhaps shape the scanner over somebody's hand, maybe?"
posed Dr. Stomper.
"Nope, I need to use the inside of the ring."
"I'll do it. You can use my ring," said Irony Man taking his armored
hand off so he could reach his ring.
"No, Irony Man! Don't!" said Occultism Kid. "It has to be me. Of all
of us, I'm the only one it can be assured of that will make it back to
the present. The scene where I talk to my Beige Countdown past self
hasn't happened yet [See Beige Countdown #0]. The rest you -- who knows
what happens. Plus whatever Hex did to me to stop my powers -- I can
still feel the effects. Maybe the recotheric energy will have some
positive effect on me -- restart my magical abilities. Who knows. It
has to be me."
"Fine." Irony Man reattached his armored glove over his hand slightly
disappointed by one less chance to redeem himself for all of his sins.
"You sure you want to do this?" Contraption Man looked straight into
Occultism Kid's eyes.
"Yeah. It will be okay." Occultism Kid slid the ring off of his finger
and handed it to Contraption Man. "See? I'm fine."
"You have a cigarette dangling from your mouth, Occultism Kid," pointed
out Dr. Stomper.
Occultism Kid took the cigarette out of his mouth and watched the smoke
from it dissipate into the air around it. "Yeah. Guess so. Ain't that
something?" Occultism Kid looked at his other hand that now had a
bottle of vodka in it. His clean shaven face had a fuzzy shadow over it
now. His eyes were blood shot webs. And his trenchcoat was a lot more
grubby with old blood stains splattered over it. Stains that could
never get clean no matter how hard you tried. Occultism Kid laughed and
took a swig from the vodka bottle. "Now if you bloody spandexers don't
mind -- I really need to get piss drunk." Occultism Kid made a 'V' sign
with his fingers.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"Stop!"
Ripping Dancer hesitated a bit when she heard the shout. She looked to
see who it was. Contraption Man. Too late. Too damn late. She
dropped the letter into the mailbox. And walked away from it.
"What did you do? What did you drop in there?" Contraption Man grabbed
Ripping Dancer by the arm.
"Nothing. It was nothing." Ripping Dancer averted her eyes.
"Are you trying to make some damn time paradox?! Because that's not why
we're here!"
"You want to know what it was? Okay then. It was a warning! A
warning! To my younger self. I'm trying to save my life! I thought
maybe I could warn her. Maybe it would be different. Maybe I wouldn't
make that deal."
"Did it work?"
Ripping Dancer shook her head. "It was funny -- right as I dropped the
letter, I got this memory flash. Something I hadn't thought about for
years. I remember the letter. God. It was this crazy woman from
Alt.stralia. It's all coming back to me. I ignored it. Just some
crazy woman's warning. I didn't change anything."
"That's just as well."
Ripping Dancer shook her head. "No. It isn't. I've got to change it.
I've got to -- Net.ropolis. Yeah, if I could go to..."
"I'm not going to let you do that. And even if you did, you'd be too
late. The ring and Occultism Kid's memory paint would wear off before
you made it there."
"The ring. If I took it off, I would change -- wouldn't I?"
"Yes. And it would probably turn you into something even worse."
"How could it be worse?"
"Believe me -- there is always worse. That you can always count on.
"I'm dying. I don't want to die." Ripping Dancer sat down on the sidewalk.
"I know. And I wish there was something I could do." Contraption Man
put his hand on Ripping Dancer's shoulder. He looked up at the sky.
The sky changed colors as the recotheric energy washed over it. "You
know this place. This place here?" he said sweeping his hand across the
view. "I'm responsible for all of it. All of this." Various buildings
changed to different architect styles. "This is my great sin."
Contraption Man picked up a can. The can changed from a Bolo Cola to a
Mr. Paprika and then disappeared all together. "I didn't want to come
back here. This was the place I betrayed the LNH. I don't know why
Stomper made me come back here. He's a smart guy, don't get me wrong --
but sometimes he's so completely clueless. It was hard to come back
here. I never wanted to come back here."
"What did you do?"
"It was 1994. I was secretly working with wReamicus Maximus. I did all
kinds of bad stuff. Sabotage. Framing a fellow teammate. You name it.
And it was all so wReamicus Maximus could warp the entire Looniverse
into some chaotic continuity free mess. And I believed in him. I
believed that everything I was doing was right. And then he lost. And
I was all alone. No friends. Nothing. I wanted to be dead."
"So, why did the LNH take you back?"
"I don't know. I guess the LNH has a soft spot for traitors. They
deprogrammed me and -- there was this car."
"Car?"
"Yeah, car. The Mini-car of Redemption. I touched it and all my sins
were washed away. [See LNH Triple Play #5]."
"The LNH has a Mini-car of Redemption? Are you serious?"
Contraption Man laughed. "No. They don't. I guess one really existed
once upon a time, but no -- the one that I touched, it was just an
illusion. Just some Peril Room hologram. I learned that a month or so
after it happened. My sins were still there. Nothing had erased them."
Contraption Man watched a crack in the sidewalk disappear. "You know --
here is something I've never told anyone. I still hear the voice of
wReamicus Maximus in my head. It's always there. Sometimes it's very
small. When I came back here, it was loud. So loud. It felt like -- I
guess it was like some former alcoholic who's been sober for 15 years
walking into a bar for the first time. That's what it felt like coming
here. Coming to this place. This damn time. But it's no longer loud.
I resisted it. I resisted the voice. Now its small. I wish it would
disappear. But... It's always going to be there. I know that now.
It's a part of me. This time -- This Retcon Hour. It's always going to
be a part of me. And perhaps I need it. It gives me strength. I wish
I could erase all of this. But -- I can't. And I have to live with
that. I have to. The voice will always be there."
"You're going to have to live with your sin, Ripping Dancer. No matter
how many lives you save or whatever -- it's going be there. There's no
Mini-car of Redemption for us, Ripping Dancer. No. We don't have it
simple. You need to just accept it, find strength in it, and move on.
It's going to be with you for the rest of your life. You have to
realize that. The rest of your life."
"Ha. Rest of my life. That won't be long."
"No, actually it could be very long. I've been to many alternate
futures, Dancer. It's true -- I won't lie -- there are some futures
where you die during Beige Midnight. But there are also quite a few
where you live -- where you beat cancer -- where you live a long, long
damn time. I've seen you as an old lady, Ripping Dancer."
Ripping Dancer looked up at Contraption Man. "You have?"
"Yes. There's nothing written in stone. Nothing." Contraption Man
looked at his watch. "Look, we've got to get back with the others
before they start to get worried. Don't have much time left. Ready to
go back to the present? Not going to try anything stupid, are you?"
"No. I'll be okay. Let's go back."
Martin Phipps
> Wow, did it take like 8 months for me to write this? �(Well more like 7
> months to procrastinate and one month to write). �Uhhggggg.
It turned out okay. I find it odd that people are more concerned
about Ripping Dancer's health than the fate of the world. Would suck
if she got better and died with everybody else, eh? The sense of
urgency returned at the end though.
>�I mostly
> blame my hatred of my current writing ability for the lateness of
> this...
There's something to be said for just going ahead and writing but then
what you end up with is more of an outline of a story than an actual
story.
> once I stopped caring about any sort of quality I did manage to
> get this finished.
I admit to being a bit confused. I mean, the LNH is willing to kill
Bart when he has powers but not when he's just an ordinary guy. I
guess it's the old "Would you go back in time and kill Hitler as a
baby?" moral dilemma. Mind you, if you kill someone during Retcon
Hour what is the chance that they stay dead? And, yeah, it would
explain Bart hating the LNH.
>�Since I do have the ability to write at least 4000
> words a week, this should have only taken me 4 weeks at the most. �I'm
> hoping the next one will come out faster. �I'm giving myself an ultimate
> deadline of April 29, 2011 for the whole series.
Hmm. Depends on how much you have written so far.
> As for the stuff in this...
>
> Since we're in the 2010's (Teens?)... I guess we're now in the wallowing
> on 90s nostalgia decade... so everything from the 90s is cool again.
> Usenet, LNH, RACC... you name it... It's all hip.
Is my old walkman hip? Because it used cassette tapes. That's not
cool.
Oh, by the way, I don't remember reading any of this on the LNH
Authors newsgroup so, yeah, you must have written most of it fairly
recently. (I haven't checked that group for a while.) If I had I
would have pointed out that "due to" to not spelt "do to". The
pronunciation is actually different. Anyway, it's a mute point
because you've posted it already.
(Ha ha. I know the term is "moot point". I was just trying to be
coot.)
Martin
Andrew Perron
> But that's the future. Now, he was just a man. A man named Bartholomew
> Bartley.
Woo! (I would've gone for Bartles, though.)
> "Yes, after his Majesty! Emperor Paul Hogan! You've heard of him,
> haven't you? Ruler of the Alt.stralian Empire? Last remaining Super
> Power in the world ever since the Soviet Unio.net collapsed? No?! You
> Seppos are an oblivious lot, aren't you?"
XD Naturally.
> The meaning of existence?
>
> Bart looked at the ocean sweeping away everything.
>
> Suddenly he felt a chill.
Nice.
> "You were obviously hoping that I'd join up with the 'enemy
> army' and that when I least expected it you'd both betray me. That was
> your plan, wasn't it?"
Meep! At least he's lost his knowledge of how to kill each and every
member of the LNH!
> Vector Sublime glanced at the paper in her hand. "Mr. Tiddles is still
> missing. There is no trace of him after his escape from the LNHHQ
> holding cells."
>
> "Pffttt," hissed General Barrage. "We don't need that overrated
> primadonna!" The gray striped cat began to lick one of his paws violently.
D'awww, such a cute homicidal maniac! ^.^
> "Maybe, still keep looking. And how about Manga Man? Any progress on
> that front?"
>
> Vector Sublime shook her head. "Our team we sent to
> alt.sex.prudish.prudish.prudes led by Demented Designer hasn't reported
> yet."
This reminds me: Do you have any specific plans for Manga Man?
> "That? Well, here's the thing," the Hex Luthor robot duplicate started
> to say standing up again. "I'm not really Hex Luthor. I'm a robot
> duplicate made by Dr. Stomper to infiltrate this organization of yours.
> The real Hex Luthor has betrayed you and has taken Amnesia and himself
> to sometime in the past to help the LNH on some mission in exchange for
> a time machine pack."
Gasp!!
> "General Londonbroil? You have something to say?"
>
> "Nah, just love being called General Londonbroil. Bloody marvelous that."
Ah, Londonbroil. One of my favorite
bad-but-not-so-bad-he-can't-occasionally-be-good guys. Great line!
> Ignoring him, Dr. Stomper continued. "The grunge look was a trendy
> style of dress. Crystal clear beverages like Crystal Clear Mr. Paprika
> were also quite popular. And a common form of greeting that people
> would use during this era was the so called, 'How's it Hangin'?' type
> salutation."
>
> "I think we already know all this, Vincent," said Irony Man.
Seriously, you were all around back now! (Well, except for Ripping Dancer.)
> "So, are you going to kill us all?" said Kid Recap with a bored
> expression on his face.
>
> The Ultimate Ninja hesitated as if he was trying to figure out what type
> of game Kid Recap was playing. Finally he said, "Maybe later."
Man, Kid Recap has *conejos*!
(Spanish for "rabbits".)
> The Bart look-a-like looked straight at Kid Recap. "I don't know. They
> made me do this."
>
> "Who? Who made you do this?"
>
> "The Elders! They made me impersonate the king! It was there doing!"
Ahhhhhhhh, makes sense.
> Fearless Leader browsed the assortments of cereals. They seemed to be
> out of his favorite brand -- 'Beaties' -- the Breakfast of People who
> beat People up.
And now I'm imagining Allen Ginsburgh and William S. Burroughs hawking
cereal.
> "Good. I'm LNH too. Although now I'm a triple agent working for
> W.I.R.E.D. (We Intend Rule and Eternal Domination).
Woo! Ah, man, haven't seen *them* in a while.
> "Sure. So still want to do this? Or do you want to save him? Hey,
> maybe you could also save me while you're at it! Maybe I could be some
> great hero? What do you say to that??!"
I'd make an Earth-3 Luthor joke, but I think of Infinite Crisis and I get
sad.
> "Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad! You! The guy with the top hat! No, not
> you. The other guy with the top hat. Yeah, you! I need you to do
> something."
Wait, who was the first guy?
> Kid Recap sighed to himself as he read the same paper and then turned
> his head towards Contraption Man (who was actually a robot duplicate of
> Contraption Man, but don't tell Kid Recap -- I mean really, there's only
> so much a hero can take!) "If we were to time travel to 1994 BC would
> we still have enough Time Gas to get back to the Present?"
Wait, couldn't they just go to 1994 on their way back to the present? Is-
is that how time travel works? @-@
> "According to my calculation, give or take 5 members. Keep in mind once
> we get back we could send another Time ship to pick them up."
Yay for making sense!
> "Maybe. Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not a hero. Maybe I've lost
> that forever. Maybe. But I'm still LNH. I'll always be LNH. I was
> there for the first fight. And I'll be there with them when the
> Bryttles wake up. And if it's my last battle -- well, then it's my last
> battle. I'm LNH."
*hums patriotic music*
> "The Master Code is M-A-S-T-U-R-C-O-A-D."
I can't believe it! That's the same combination on my luggage!
> "Oh, don't worry about it, OK. There's only one place Hex could go
> using the time packs. It didn't matter, which ones he used," said
> Contraption Man with a grin on his face.
<snip>
> Hex Luthor scanned the environment and saw something that looked like a
> Pterodactyl flying in the sky. And then he spotted a pack of
> Velociraptors that were moving his way. Each Velociraptor was wearing a
> Crocodile Dundee hat.
Bwahahaha. Excellent. u-u
> "No, Irony Man! Don't!" said Occultism Kid. "It has to be me. Of all
> of us, I'm the only one it can be assured of that will make it back to
> the present. The scene where I talk to my Beige Countdown past self
> hasn't happened yet [See Beige Countdown #0].
Ooooh, nice.
> "Fine." Irony Man reattached his armored glove over his hand slightly
> disappointed by one less chance to redeem himself for all of his sins.
This is gonna be a recurring thing, isn't it.
> Occultism Kid took the cigarette out of his mouth and watched the smoke
> from it dissipate into the air around it. "Yeah. Guess so. Ain't that
> something?" Occultism Kid looked at his other hand that now had a
> bottle of vodka in it. His clean shaven face had a fuzzy shadow over it
> now. His eyes were blood shot webs. And his trenchcoat was a lot more
> grubby with old blood stains splattered over it. Stains that could
> never get clean no matter how hard you tried. Occultism Kid laughed and
> took a swig from the vodka bottle. "Now if you bloody spandexers don't
> mind -- I really need to get piss drunk." Occultism Kid made a 'V' sign
> with his fingers.
The revenge of Grimsloth and Withnail!
> "You're going to have to live with your sin, Ripping Dancer. No matter
> how many lives you save or whatever -- it's going be there. There's no
> Mini-car of Redemption for us, Ripping Dancer. No. We don't have it
> simple. You need to just accept it, find strength in it, and move on.
> It's going to be with you for the rest of your life.
Ooooh, it's a theme!
> But everything looked completely different. Naked guys and girls with
> flowers in their hair playing guitars and smoking joints littered the
> lawn of the LNH Headquarters, which looked a lot like a commune.
Interestingly, I just watched a counterculture movie. It was directed by
Roger Corman.
> "It's no use! Can't reach Kid Kesey! What ever is keeping Deja Druid
> and Continuity Tramp locked on the DoobieSat has gotten him too!!"
Direct continuity references! <3 (Also: Continuity Tramp. XD)
> "It's that warmongering fascist Toony Stork's body guard and assassin!!
> The Irony Monger -- he's outside!!
Naturally.
> Contraption Man looked at his watch. There was no time for a fight
> scene.
It's about a quarter to plot resolution.
> As the 2008 LNH Members flashed away back to the present, the Legion of
> Net.Hippies continuity bubble burst.
>
> And their continuity replacements, The Legion of Net.Herrings flopped
> around a bit gasping for water before their bubble ruptured too.
XD That's just superawesome.
> "Wait! Please! Come back! Most Worthy One!! Please!" The Elders
> prayed and prayed, but it was no use. They would never learn the
> Meaning of Existence. Eld-Ar the Elder touched the last place Munchkin
> Man had stood and then Eld-Ar the Elder wept.
Huh. Odd way to have it happen, but what the hell!
> Kid Anarky walked straight through the portal. Pink Fuzzy Trenchcoat
> and all.
>
> The portal vanished a little bit afterwards.
Eeeee Kid Anarky <3
> "Occultism Kid? You coming on board?" Contraption Man watched as
> Occultism Kid appeared to be urinating on one of the LNH Space.thingees.
> Contraption Man had a bad feeling that the NTB retcon on Occultism Kid
> was still taking effect.
Oh, that's not good.
> And just at that moment, Renegade Programmer pushed a button that caused
> the Sincerity Satellite to start bathing the Loonivearth with sincerity
> rays.
Kid Enthusiastic's powers increase ten thousandfold! (un)Fortunately, he
doesn't have any powers, so he's just even more hyper than usual.
> And then he rubbed his hands.
>
> Bart smiled. "Okay. Who's next?"
Oh, that's *really* not good. And awesome.
> How's that for a heavily researched depiction of Australia? :)
Sounds about right to me! ``
> Wow, did it take like 8 months for me to write this? (Well more like 7
> months to procrastinate and one month to write). Uhhggggg. I mostly
> blame my hatred of my current writing ability for the lateness of
> this... once I stopped caring about any sort of quality I did manage to
> get this finished.
If editing help is needed, I'd be glad to volunteer? ``
> Since we're in the 2010's (Teens?)... I guess we're now in the wallowing
> on 90s nostalgia decade... so everything from the 90s is cool again.
> Usenet, LNH, RACC... you name it... It's all hip.
Indeed... which is why I'm doing my own Retcon Hour homage! Woo! Yes,
Digital Jump Special #1 will be out sorta-kinda soon! (Or possibly #2, if
#1 is the MST3K thing instead. And I'll probably do DJ #6 first. Or
however the inspiration falls.)
...woo!
> Here's some more about it...
> http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Retcon_Hour
>
> Don't think you have to read it though to understand this issue though...
>
> All this happened in the summer between my highschool years and my
> college years...
I was eleven years old!
> Freezing Bart for a million years was Lalo's idea. Had my doubts about
> it at first, but since Lalo was still going to write this arc back then,
> I figured he could do whatever he wanted. That being said, I will admit
> that it solved a lot of problems so probably just as well that he
> thought it up.
I thought it was a neat twist!
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, retcons ahoy-hoy~
Arthur Spitzer
> On May 25, 6:48 pm, Arthur Spitzer <arspit...@earthlink.net> wrote:
>
>> Wow, did it take like 8 months for me to write this? (Well more like 7
>> months to procrastinate and one month to write). Uhhggggg.
>
> It turned out okay. I find it odd that people are more concerned
> about Ripping Dancer's health than the fate of the world. Would suck
> if she got better and died with everybody else, eh? The sense of
> urgency returned at the end though.
Hmm? Don't see that. The only person in the story that might fit that
description would maybe be Dr. Stomper who seems to be willing to
completely blow the whole mission in order to give Ripping Dancer some
medical help... not that that goes anywhere...
As to why he does that? Who knows. I suppose he's not some cold
rational thinking robot that always make the pragmatic choice, maybe
that's it.
I suppose the end of the world is an abstract concept as opposed to an
actual teammate who's dying of cancer...
But I think most of the people in the story are more concerned with the
end of the world.
>
>> I mostly
>> blame my hatred of my current writing ability for the lateness of
>> this...
>
> There's something to be said for just going ahead and writing but then
> what you end up with is more of an outline of a story than an actual
> story.
>
>> once I stopped caring about any sort of quality I did manage to
>> get this finished.
>
> I admit to being a bit confused. I mean, the LNH is willing to kill
> Bart when he has powers but not when he's just an ordinary guy. I
> guess it's the old "Would you go back in time and kill Hitler as a
> baby?" moral dilemma. Mind you, if you kill someone during Retcon
> Hour what is the chance that they stay dead? And, yeah, it would
> explain Bart hating the LNH.
What would killing Bart accomplish? They'd just create a time paradox
that might even be worse. And the Bryttle's would just choose someone
else to help free them. It wouldn't do much.
>
>> Since I do have the ability to write at least 4000
>> words a week, this should have only taken me 4 weeks at the most. I'm
>> hoping the next one will come out faster. I'm giving myself an ultimate
>> deadline of April 29, 2011 for the whole series.
>
> Hmm. Depends on how much you have written so far.
I figure I can write at least one issue a month... we'll see...
>
>> As for the stuff in this...
>>
>> Since we're in the 2010's (Teens?)... I guess we're now in the wallowing
>> on 90s nostalgia decade... so everything from the 90s is cool again.
>> Usenet, LNH, RACC... you name it... It's all hip.
>
> Is my old walkman hip? Because it used cassette tapes. That's not
> cool.
Portable CD players were the 90s...
>
> Oh, by the way, I don't remember reading any of this on the LNH
> Authors newsgroup so, yeah, you must have written most of it fairly
> recently. (I haven't checked that group for a while.) If I had I
> would have pointed out that "due to" to not spelt "do to". The
> pronunciation is actually different. Anyway, it's a mute point
> because you've posted it already.
I posted all of this to the 'Authors' group. Most of it in May, but
some in January...
>
> (Ha ha. I know the term is "moot point". I was just trying to be
> coot.)
>
> Martin
Arthur "Deth to Baij Midnite" Spitzer
Arthur Spitzer
> On Wed, 26 May 2010 01:43:26 +0000 (UTC), Arthur Spitzer wrote:
>
>> "Maybe, still keep looking. And how about Manga Man? Any progress on
>> that front?"
>>
>> Vector Sublime shook her head. "Our team we sent to
>> alt.sex.prudish.prudish.prudes led by Demented Designer hasn't reported
>> yet."
>
> This reminds me: Do you have any specific plans for Manga Man?
Naw... I'm finished with him... I don't know if the rescue was
successful, but I assume if it was that Manga Man would probably sit out
the rest of Beige Midnight regardless....
>
>> "Sure. So still want to do this? Or do you want to save him? Hey,
>> maybe you could also save me while you're at it! Maybe I could be some
>> great hero? What do you say to that??!"
>
> I'd make an Earth-3 Luthor joke, but I think of Infinite Crisis and I get
> sad.
>
>> "Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad! You! The guy with the top hat! No, not
>> you. The other guy with the top hat. Yeah, you! I need you to do
>> something."
>
> Wait, who was the first guy?
I dunno... some guy with a top hat...
>
>> Kid Recap sighed to himself as he read the same paper and then turned
>> his head towards Contraption Man (who was actually a robot duplicate of
>> Contraption Man, but don't tell Kid Recap -- I mean really, there's only
>> so much a hero can take!) "If we were to time travel to 1994 BC would
>> we still have enough Time Gas to get back to the Present?"
>
> Wait, couldn't they just go to 1994 on their way back to the present? Is-
> is that how time travel works? @-@
I'm working on the assumption that it takes the same amount energy to
time jump no matter where you're going... whether it's 5 minutes or 10
million years...
I suppose time travel in the LNH works however the writer who's writing
the story wants it to work...
>
>> How's that for a heavily researched depiction of Australia? :)
>
> Sounds about right to me! ``
>
>> Wow, did it take like 8 months for me to write this? (Well more like 7
>> months to procrastinate and one month to write). Uhhggggg. I mostly
>> blame my hatred of my current writing ability for the lateness of
>> this... once I stopped caring about any sort of quality I did manage to
>> get this finished.
>
> If editing help is needed, I'd be glad to volunteer? ``
Thanks.. although I think part of me just wants to get this whole thing
done with as fast as I can now... errors and all... I guess I'll see if
I want to wait for editing help when I finish #7...
Glad you're enjoying this though....
>
>> Since we're in the 2010's (Teens?)... I guess we're now in the wallowing
>> on 90s nostalgia decade... so everything from the 90s is cool again.
>> Usenet, LNH, RACC... you name it... It's all hip.
>
> Indeed... which is why I'm doing my own Retcon Hour homage! Woo! Yes,
> Digital Jump Special #1 will be out sorta-kinda soon! (Or possibly #2, if
> #1 is the MST3K thing instead. And I'll probably do DJ #6 first. Or
> however the inspiration falls.)
>
> ...woo!
Cool.
>
> Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, retcons ahoy-hoy~
Arthur "Death to Retcon Hour" Spitzer
Andrew Perron
> Andrew Perron wrote:
>> This reminds me: Do you have any specific plans for Manga Man?
>
> Naw... I'm finished with him... I don't know if the rescue was
> successful, but I assume if it was that Manga Man would probably sit out
> the rest of Beige Midnight regardless....
Excellent. u-u
>>> "Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad! You! The guy with the top hat! No, not
>>> you. The other guy with the top hat. Yeah, you! I need you to do
>>> something."
>>
>> Wait, who was the first guy?
>
> I dunno... some guy with a top hat...
The Man In The Black Hat is back! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA`o`
>>> Kid Recap sighed to himself as he read the same paper and then turned
>>> his head towards Contraption Man (who was actually a robot duplicate of
>>> Contraption Man, but don't tell Kid Recap -- I mean really, there's only
>>> so much a hero can take!) "If we were to time travel to 1994 BC would
>>> we still have enough Time Gas to get back to the Present?"
>>
>> Wait, couldn't they just go to 1994 on their way back to the present? Is-
>> is that how time travel works? @-@
>
> I'm working on the assumption that it takes the same amount energy to
> time jump no matter where you're going... whether it's 5 minutes or 10
> million years...
Ahhhhh. That actually makes sense!
> I suppose time travel in the LNH works however the writer who's writing
> the story wants it to work...
Chalk it up to different technologies.
>> If editing help is needed, I'd be glad to volunteer? ``
>
> Thanks.. although I think part of me just wants to get this whole thing
> done with as fast as I can now... errors and all... I guess I'll see if
> I want to wait for editing help when I finish #7...
Mmmmkay. ^-^v
> Glad you're enjoying this though....
Indubidably!
>> Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, retcons ahoy-hoy~
>
> Arthur "Death to Retcon Hour" Spitzer
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, IMPLOsion!
Martin Phipps
> Martin Phipps wrote:
> > On May 25, 6:48 pm, Arthur Spitzer <arspit...@earthlink.net> wrote:
>
> >> Wow, did it take like 8 months for me to write this? �(Well more like 7
> >> months to procrastinate and one month to write). �Uhhggggg.
>
> > It turned out okay. �I find it odd that people are more concerned
> > about Ripping Dancer's health than the fate of the world. �Would suck
> > if she got better and died with everybody else, eh? �The sense of
> > urgency returned at the end though.
>
> Hmm? �Don't see that. �The only person in the story that might fit that
> description would maybe be Dr. Stomper who seems to be willing to
> completely blow the whole mission in order to give Ripping Dancer some
> medical help... not that that goes anywhere...
Okay. Doctor Stomper probably knows that if the author is still
writing this story then there will be an ending that doesn't involve
the entire LNH being killed but Ripping Dancer dying is a possibility.
Of course, if the title of the series were "The Last LNH Story" then
Stomper would be more concerned.
> As to why he does that? �Who knows. �I suppose he's not some cold
> rational thinking robot that always make the pragmatic choice, maybe
> that's it.
>
> I suppose the end of the world is an abstract concept as opposed to an
> actual teammate who's dying of cancer...
>
> But I think most of the people in the story are more concerned with the
> end of the world.
Yeah, there was more tension at the end.
> >> �I mostly
> >> blame my hatred of my current writing ability for the lateness of
> >> this...
>
> > There's something to be said for just going ahead and writing but then
> > what you end up with is more of an outline of a story than an actual
> > story.
>
> >> once I stopped caring about any sort of quality I did manage to
> >> get this finished.
>
> > I admit to being a bit confused. �I mean, the LNH is willing to kill
> > Bart when he has powers but not when he's just an ordinary guy. �I
> > guess it's the old "Would you go back in time and kill Hitler as a
> > baby?" moral dilemma. �Mind you, if you kill someone during Retcon
> > Hour what is the chance that they stay dead? �And, yeah, it would
> > explain Bart hating the LNH.
>
> What would killing Bart accomplish? �They'd just create a time paradox
> that might even be worse. �And the Bryttle's would just choose someone
> else to help free them. �It wouldn't do much.
Yeah, so I was confused as to why they were there. But in a story
universe where permanent retcons can occur a time paradox could stick
IMO.
> >> �Since I do have the ability to write at least 4000
> >> words a week, this should have only taken me 4 weeks at the most. �I'm
> >> hoping the next one will come out faster. �I'm giving myself an ultimate
> >> deadline of April 29, 2011 for the whole series.
>
> > Hmm. �Depends on how much you have written so far.
>
> I figure I can write at least one issue a month... we'll see...
I'm afraid i have zero motivation for writing right now so I don't
know how to encourage you other than simply letting you know that I'm
still following the story.
> >> As for the stuff in this...
>
> >> Since we're in the 2010's (Teens?)... I guess we're now in the wallowing
> >> on 90s nostalgia decade... so everything from the 90s is cool again.
> >> Usenet, LNH, RACC... you name it... It's all hip.
>
> > Is my old walkman hip? �Because it used cassette tapes. �That's not
> > cool.
>
> Portable CD players were the 90s...
I was still using cassettes. It wasn't that long ago that I watched
my first DVD either: nowadays you buy a computer you can play DVDs on
it but old disk drives typically only played CDs, VCDs and MP3s.
> > Oh, by the way, I don't remember reading any of this on the LNH
> > Authors newsgroup so, yeah, you must have written most of it fairly
> > recently. �(I haven't checked that group for a while.) �If I had I
> > would have pointed out that "due to" to not spelt "do to". �The
> > pronunciation is actually different. �Anyway, it's a mute point
> > because you've posted it already.
>
> I posted all of this to the 'Authors' group. �Most of it in May, but
> some in January...
Yeah but the finished story is a much better read than a little bit
here and a little bit there. Sorry.