LNH: Beige Midnight #12: 'The Last LNH Story'

[Arthur Spitzer]

[There is a Variant Cover depicting every LNH'r, Villain, Wildcard, and
Innocent Bystander that has ever appeared in an LNH story for this
issue. Be sure to buy them all! The Bottom Text reads: 'It all ends
here!']



**** <<--BM-->> ****


The place -- The Waiting For Beige Midnight #12 To Get Posted Room

The time --


B E I G E

M I D N I G H T


The number -- T W E L V E




The Writer -- Arthur Spitzer and Various


**** <<--BM-->> ****

September 26th, 2012 --

The Waiting For Beige Midnight #12 To Get Posted Room --

And the Ultimate Ninja watched Multi-Tasking Man refresh the
rec.arts.comics.creative screen one more time as the clock hit Midnight.
And there it was.

Beige Midnight #12.

Multi-Tasking Man quickly clicked on the post. And he began to read.

"What's it say?" said the Ultimate Ninja. Sarcastic Lad thought about
praising the Ultimate Ninja's literacy skill levels.

"Hmm. Okay." Multi-Tasking Man eyes skimmed their way to the
beginning. "September 26th, 2012. The Waiting For Beige Midnight #12
to get posted Room. And the Ultimate Ninja watched Multi-Tasking Man
refresh the rec.arts.comics.creative screen one more time..."

"No, no! Skip that part. Go to something we aren't currently in!"

"Okay, okay!" And Multi-Tasking Man scanned his way to the next part.
And he began to read...

"Once upon a time..."


**** <<--BM-->> ****

Once upon a time, there was a team of superheroes. A team that fought
the greatest evils almost every day. A team that saved the weakest and
the unluckiest every day. A team that fought for Truth, Justice, and
Cheesecake -- everyday. A team that made the Net a safer and funner
place. A team that never ever turned down a member that had an absurdly
long name -- never (Except for
LNH-Membership-Turned-Down-Because-He-Had-An-Incredibly-Long-Name Man
who is still incredibly bitter about that -- let me tell you). A team
that called itself the Legion of Net.Heroes.

Once upon a time, there was a great battle. A final battle. The Final
Battle. A battle between the LNH and two beings. Two beings that had
the power to do almost anything they could imagine -- and what they
imagined was Decay. And what they imagined was Discolor. And what they
imagined was Death. The Death of All. The Death of Everything. And
they seemed so powerful -- so unstoppable -- that nothing could possibly
beat them. No one. Not even the LNH.


And once upon a time, there was story...




**** <<--BM-->> ****




'The Last LNH Story'




**** <<--BM-->> ****




In a dingy studio apartment somewhere beyond the Fourth Wall --

A shadowy figure sipped from a Beige Midnight mug he had acquired from
someplace. And the shadowy figure looked at his watch.

"Well, looks like it's time.

"Time for the LNH -- to *Die*."

And he began typing.


**** <<--BM-->> ****


April 29, 2008 --
An Alternate Looniverse far, far away (But -- hey, let's call it
Looniverse Beige) --
5:00 am --

The Ultimate Ninja stepped into the LNHHQ lobby and looked around. And
then he looked up. He looked up at the Easily Discovered Van, which was
hanging by a number of chains and cables from the ceiling right over the
receptionist desk.

"I can explain!" It was Fearless Leader who was holding a broom that he
had been using to sweep all the liquor bottles, food, and togas. He
could see Tara Shreds (formally known as Ripping Dancer) also helping
with the clean up.

The Ultimate Ninja kicked a beer bottle that was near him. "Let me
guess. Toga Party. Right?"

"Yes. I uh I didn't think it would get this bad. I really didn't."

"You! Finally! About time you came back!" It was Self-Righteous
Preacher walking towards them with his usual enraged face. And for some
reason his head was completely shaven. And there was something else
different, although the Ultimate Ninja wasn't quite sure what it was.
The Preacher was carrying some big phonebook size stack of papers.
"Here!" he said handing them to the Ninja. "That's everything! Every
sordid depraved degenerated act that happened last night! Everything!
Everything is there! I witnessed it all! Every act! Every godless
wanton act!! It's there!!!"

The Ultimate Ninja looked at the big stack of papers that the Preacher
had handed him and then he looked back at the Preacher. "Oh, you don't
have any eyebrows."

"Don't you think I know that!! What are you going to do about this?!!"

The Ultimate Ninja looked at the papers again and then using his ninja
phonebook tearing abilities tore them in half. And then he dumped the
papers on the ground. "I don't have time for this, Preacher."

"Time?! Well then you better make time!! Because if you don't I'll..."
said the Preacher yelling very, very close to the Ninja's face. Very,
very close.

The Ultimate Ninja gazed right into the Preacher's eyes. A very, very
hard gaze. "Why don't you shout in my face one more time. Just one
more time, Preacher."

The Preacher, as if some common sense was starting to creep back into
his brain, quietly backed away from the Ninja. And then walked away in
a huff. Muttering about people going to Hell.

Fearless Leader pushed the papers away from the Ninja's feet with his broom.

The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "Forget that. Leave that to Captain
Cleanup. We've got much bigger things to deal with today. Much bigger."

"Right," said Fearless Leader putting the broom aside. "How was the
trip? Find what you were looking for?"

The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "No. Guess it was a myth after all.
Nothing resembling a Four Color Ninja Bush. What's the latest with
the Bryttles?"

"They're awake. Not doing much though. Just sitting. Sitting on their
thrones. Sitting and smiling. Of course we were told by that servant
of theirs that they wouldn't start attacking the LNH till noon came.
Kid Kirby and Captain Continuity are on recon."

"Well, notify me if there is any change. I think I'll do a few sessions
in the Peril Room if no one is using it. Should have time for that."

"Right."

And suddenly the intercom.thingee blasted, <<And that was 'The End' by
The Doors! And as I, your Auto-asphyciatious Auto-DJ, rock you towards
the ultimate death of the LNH -- let's groove to some R.E.M. 'It's the
End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)...!>>

The Ultimate Ninja looked at wReamhack.

"I know, I know! I'm taking care of it! Taking care of it!" said
wReamhack rushing to wrest control of the musical selections from the
Auto-DJ.

And in one of the corners of the lobby, Frat Boy finally woke up. "Did
I win? Am I the Chugging Champ?"

**** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNH Kitchen --


Cheesecake Eater Lad grabbed a big sack of Graham Cracker Crumbs and
placed it on the counter top. Part of him just wanted to crawl into bed
and sleep the morning away. The trip to Ninja Island to find the
Four-Color Ninja Bush had been totally futile and exhausting. He did
get a little sleep on the way back, but not enough.

But he had a duty to his fellow LNH'rs. LNH'rs who had gone
Cheesecakeless the past few days left in the cuisine hands of
Steak-And-Potatoes Man and Limp-Asparagus Lad. He couldn't let them
down. If this were the last day -- at least they'd have a meal with
cheesecake. At least they'd have that much.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNH Cafeteria --

Despite being filled with almost every member of the LNH that was still
in Net.ropolis, a very silent atmosphere smothered the room. There was
no laughter, gossip trading, or food being flung around. It was very quiet.

Some of the heroes were still nursing hangovers from last nights Toga
party. And some were completely sober. There was occasional chatter.
And some nervous laughter. But not much. Most of the LNH'rs were
thinking. Thinking about what was going to happen when Noon finally came.

It hadn't felt real last night. Too much drinking, too much laughing,
too much having fun. Too much not thinking. It was something that
couldn't happen. Would never happen. But the night was over. And it
was today.

The heroes looked at their breakfast. Would this be the last breakfast
(whatever this beige slop they were eating was) they'd ever have -- as
they poked it with their forks. Some were sick of the waiting -- they
just wanted the Bryttles to attack now -- and get it over with. Some
wondered about God -- about the afterlife. Some wondered about whether
they could still hop to the next Looniverse -- if that option was still
available.

And then there was a brief commotion. Cannon Fodder was choking on
something. Toony Stork (not in his Irony Man suit) who had been sitting
next to Catalyst Lass having breakfast quickly rushed over and gave
Cannon Fodder the Heimlich Maneuver saving his life. Afterwards Cannon
Fodder thanked him and then everything went back where it had been. The
silence. The thinking.

And some thought about Four-Color Kid's suggestion. The one about suicide.



**** <<--BM-->> ****

The Ultimate Ninja looked down at all the dead corpses of his LNH
teammates. And then at his bloody Ginsu Katana. And finally at his
watch. 12 seconds. Not his best showing. "End Program."

The corpses and blood vanished.

The Ultimate Ninja looked at the emptiness of the Peril Room. Would
that be the last time he ever killed the LNH?

No. Better not to think that way. He made his way to the exit. The
doors slid open.

He could see Dr. Stomper walking towards him.

"Ah, UN! Need to speak to you."

"Doctor?"

"I think I might have made some progress."

"What type of progress?"

"Well, I realized that I was thinking about this all wrong. I was too
obsessed with finding a way to stop the Bryttles and not thinking about
the bigger picture. When it gets down to it, we don't really stand a
chance against the Bryttles -- they are way too formidable. The odds of
beating them are very, very much against us. I could tell you the odds,
but our chances are so absurdly minuscule it would be a pointless exercise."

"I'm sorry, Doctor -- but how exactly does knowing that we stand
absolutely no chance in beating the Bryttles help us in anyway?"

"Ah, sorry. I was getting to that. Look, I have this idea that might
give us a greater probability of success. It's a machine. But I'll
need some help from my colleagues."

"Who?"

"From Kid Kirby, Particle Man, Captain Continuity, Pocket Man, and
Fourth Wall Lass -- and possibly some others."

"Hmm. Kirby and the Captain are currently doing surveillance, but if
you need them..." The Ultimate Ninja clicked on his comm.thingee.
"Multi-Tasking Man? Have Kirby and CC report to Stomper. And get some
people to replace them. Competent People! Oh and have Particle Man,
Pocket Man, and Fourth Wall Lass report to Stomper too." And then he
looked at Dr. Stomper. "Anything else?"

Dr. Stomper shook his head. "No, that should be fine for now."


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNH TV Screen Room --

Various screens showed both Bryttle Brothers and the Beige Clock Tower
from different viewpoints. The Ultimate Ninja and Fearless Leader were
gazing intently at the screens. Waiting for something to happen. Anything.

Fearless Leader saw someone on the screen walking up to Dekay's throne.
"It's Special Bonding Boy! Why is he there?"

"It's all right," said the Ultimate Ninja. "I gave him permission."

"You did what? It's almost noon. They'll kill him!"

"You're underestimating him. He's battled some very powerful foes over
the years. He helped us take down 50 full powered Dvorakians on our
trip back from Qwerty [See Beige Midnight #7 -- Footnote Girl]. Besides
we can always teleport him away if it looks like they might hurt him."

"I don't like this."

The Ultimate Ninja didn't answer. He just looked as Special Bonding Boy
got closer and closer to the throne.




**** <<--BM-->> ****


"And you -- what do you want -- little thing?" It was voice of Dekay.
And the voice made Special Bonding Boy feel nauseous. Then again maybe
it was the smell of all of the corpses that made up Dekay's body that
was making him sick. He felt like throwing up -- but fought the urge.
Instead he looked up -- up at Dekay's face. A face made up of a cloud
of insects, worms, and maggots. And the two red glowing eyes. "Do you
wish to make a deal with us -- little thing -- so you might survive
today? Is that what you desire?"

Special Bonding Boy shook his head. "I don't want anything from you --
except friendship. And I offer you my friendship in return."

Dekay paused as if he was trying to understand what this mortal being
had said. And then he laughed. A cruel laugh. "Why would we want your
friendship -- little thing? What possible use could we have for such a
pathetic piece of nothingness like that?"

"Cuz we all need friends. Everyone of us! And the more friends we have
the better we feel!"

"We need no one -- little thing. The screams of horror as we lay waste
to Universes is all that we really need. That is enough."

"I don't believe that! I sense a very deep sadness in you. A sense of
longing for something -- that you forgot a long time ago. Killing all
of the Universes won't sate this longing. What happens when you've
destroyed everything -- killed everyone? What will you have left?
You'll have nothing. You need something more -- someone to love. To
love you. A friend."

Dekay looked down at Special Bonding Boy with amusement. "You do not
understand us, little thing. Perhaps a long time ago you were right --
that there was something more that we longed for beyond the decay and
discolor of everything. But that was so long ago -- so long that it
might as well have never been. No, the death of everything is all we
need. All we really need. And on that day that we finally do destroy
everything -- when all of reality is just a pile of dust -- on that day
we can finally rest. Rest forever."

And Special Bonding Boy turned his attention towards Diskolor. "And
what about you, Diskolor? About my offer?"

Dekay laughed. "He thinks exactly like I think. Although he is
wondering, which one of us will kill you. Or perhaps we could take each
of your arms and tear you like a wishbone. Hmm -- that does sound like
a good idea. When it gets to noon we will do that. Oh look -- it is
almost noon. I think -- yes -- I think maybe you should start running
-= little thing. Yes. Run as fast as you can." The smile seemed to
disappear from Dekay's insect cloud of a face. "Run."



**** <<--BM-->> ****

<<We've finished it. The machine is finished!>>

The voice of Dr. Stomper was coming from the intercom.thingee. The
Ultimate Ninja looked up and said, "Right. I'll be there in a few."
And then he looked at the screen. He could see Special Bonding Boy
start to run and both Dekay and Diskolor were rising off their seats.
"Multi-Tasking Man! TP Special Bonding Boy! TP him to..."


**** <<--BM-->> ****

And shadowy fingers stopped their typing. And the Writer looked at the
story on his computer screen. This was the part where the Bryttles
killed Special Bonding Boy right before Multi-Tasking Man can teleport
him to safety. Or maybe Special Bonding Boy doesn't die -- MTM
teleports him to safety after the Bryttles tear off one of his arms.
No, he needs to die -- for the story. Special Bonding Boy needs to die
so that the Writer can bring the RACCtre into the story. The RACCtre
will try and avenge Special Bonding Boy's death. He'll battle both of
the Bryttle Brothers, but ultimately they will destroy him. And then
the LNH will send all of the Kirbybots at the Bryttles. And the
Bryttles will snap their fingers and change the wiring in the Kirbybots
so that the Kirbybots answer only to the Bryttles and then send them to
attack the LNH.

And after that more death. And more death.

Kid Kirby will battle Diskolor in the Sun. And no one will know the
outcome until Sing-Along Lass feels the Power Kirby rushing through her
veins -- and knows that Kid Kirby is no more. And Pocket Man will look
at his dying wife -- Organic Lass -- and try desperately to find
something -- anything in his pockets that can save her. But the only
thing he can find is a broken Alteganian Joy Jewel as he watches her die.

And more death and more death.

And finally only Cannon Fodder is still alive as the day gets closer and
closer to Midnight. And right before the Bryttles can kill him, he
gives them a gift. A cheesecake made by Cheesecake Eater Lad. The last
cheesecake he ever made. A Looniverse Destroying Cheesecake. And the
Cheesecake destroys everything including Dekay and Diskolor.

And that's how Beige Midnight Ends.

And the Writer looked at his story. Just kill Special Bonding Boy and
get it over with. Finish this damn thing. Kill the LNH.

Why can't he just finish it? Be finally done with the LNH. He couldn't
keep writing these stories forever. It was time to move on. Write
something different. Write something less silly -- less frivolous.
Something that he could actually sell.

Kill Special Bonding Boy and move on with your life.

The Writer looked at his computer screen again and put his fingers near
the keyboard. But he couldn't seem to write anymore. He looked at the
screen.

Maybe a scene change?



**** <<--BM-->> ****

And a strange looking machine began to appear in a parking lot. An
incredibly realistic looking parking lot. And members of the LNH
stepped out of the Machine.

"So, is this it? Did we make it?" said Ultimate Ninja stepping off the
Machine and onto the parking lot.

Fourth Wall Lass looked at the incredibly realistic rubber nipples on
the Ultimate Ninja's costume and said, "Yeah. I think we made it."



**** <<--BM-->> ****

End of Part I

Part II

The Writer looked at the keyboard. Maybe he should call it a day. He
obviously wasn't going to get anymore writing done today. Just watch TV
or something. Maybe he'll have better luck tomorrow.

He saved what he had written and started to leave his chair when he
heard a knocking. Well, more like a violent pounding on his door.

Christ! Who was that, he thought leaving his chair. Probably some jerk
selling some crap. He thought about ignoring it, but the pounding kept
getting louder and louder. Who was this asshole? And so he opened the
door.

And saw a very tall man dressed in a ninja suit. A very angry man in a
ninja costume. Oh, God, he thought backing away from the door. The
Ninja guy walked right in and there were various other people in
costumes behind him.

"Look," said the Writer grabbing his phone. "I don't know who you
people are..."

"You should," said the Ninja. "You're the one writing us. Aren't you?"

The Writer shook his head. "No. There's no way. No, you can't be --
you can't be him. You just can't be. He -- he doesn't exist! This is
not happening!"

"I'd say it is," said the Ultimate Ninja grabbing the phone from the
Writer's hand and crushing it with ease using his ninja phone crushing
abilities.

More very fit guys and girls in very tight spandex suits started to
flood the room. "No! You can't all fit in here! It's a studio apartment!"

And a man -- or being crackling with cosmic energy attached a mechanical
device to one of the walls and pushed a button. "There -- that should
increase capacity for your dwelling!" The Writer's studio apartment
began to increase to the size of a High School Gymnasium as Kid Kirby's
device pulsed away.

The Writer looked at his apartment. "Wow! That's a neat trick. Or a
sign that I've lost my mind perhaps."

"You're the one? You're responsible for all this?!" It was a rather
ordinary looking woman dressed in normal people clothes who pointed her
finger accusingly at the Writer. Must be Tara Shreds, thought the
Writer. "Do you think it's funny? Funny giving people cancer?"

"Umm..." the Writer started to say. But before he could finish a very
strong hand picked him up by his shirt. It was a costumed man covered
in very, very scary creatures. Very, very disturbed scary creatures.

"Are you the scumbag who fragged my pal -- the Gothic Gorilla?! Are
you!!?" The Very Disturbed Scary Creature Man gazed into the Writer's eyes.

"Urk!" said the Writer. "Gothic Gorilla? Um -- let's see here. That
wasn't me! Honest! I wasn't the one who came up with that idea -- no
I'm pretty sure it was either Saxon or Rob. Yeah, one of them. Honest!
Look -- if you put me down I can get you Rob Rogers's home address and..."

"Put him down," said the Ultimate Ninja although not because he wanted
Rob Rogers's address. "We have much bigger things to deal with right
now. Much bigger."

A man wearing a labcoat and a very intellectual look on his face started
playing around with the Writer's remote control and clicked on his TV
set. "It's already here," said Dr. Stomper. "I was afraid this might
happen."

"Wait, what's happening? What's...?" And the Writer looked at the TV
screen. It was some breaking news story. There was something happening
in New York City. It was a tower. A Beige Clocktower. It had
mysteriously appeared right on Ground Zero. Anderson Cooper along with
various other reporters and people were reporting this news. "My God.
That's -- wait a sec, Anderson Cooper? I don't get cable anymore!"

"I modified your remote a bit," explained Dr. Stomper. "But this is
happening. The Beige Clocktower has broken the Fourth Wall and is now
in your world. I'm afraid all of the Fourth Wall and metatext abuse has
caused a cascade effect. Reality and Fiction are beginning to merge.
If we don't solve this problem soon -- the Clocktower and the Bryttles
will destroy all of Reality -- not just the Looniverse."

The Writer shook his head. "No. That's all a bunch of nonsense. This
can't be happening. No. It's not happening! This has to be a dream.
That's the only explanation that makes any sense. Yeah, a dream. A
dream. This is all a dream. Just need to wake up and..."

The Ultimate Ninja picked the Writer up by the shirt and slammed him
against a wall. "Does this feel like a dream!?"

"Urrggh. Well, when you put it that way..."

The Ultimate Ninja looked into the Writer's eyes. "You need to finish
Beige Midnight #12. Find a way to stop the Bryttles with no one else
dying. No one!"

The Ultimate Ninja dropped the Writer down. The Writer backed slightly
away. "Believe me -- I'm trying my hardest to finish this thing, but --
no death? I can't work that way. There's got to be some death --
otherwise it's not going to be meaningful in any way. There has to be
some death to give this story any weight. If I kill no one it will just
be a big cheat. A big..."

The Ultimate Ninja's eyes kept their piercing gaze into the Writer's
face. "I don't care. I don't care if your stupid story doesn't win a
RACCie. I don't care if everyone hates it -- thinks it's the worst
thing ever to be posted to RACC. I don't care. You're going to write a
story that ends the menace of the Bryttles and you're going to do it in
a way that doesn't kill anymore LNH'rs. Got that?"

The Writer gulped. "Well, okay. But I can't really work like this --
with all these heroes and a homicidal ninja looking over my shoulder.
Look if you all just leave me alone, I'll happily finish Beige Midnight
just like that and..."

The Ultimate Ninja took out his Ginsu Katana and began testing its
sharpness. "No. We're not going anywhere till this story is finished.
Now -- finish it."

The Writer raised his hands in protest. "I'm sorry but I just can't
work like this. Look if you just leave for a..."

"New York's sky is becoming Beige," said Dr. Stomper still watching the
news. "We don't have much time!"

"Well, I guess we'll have to finish it ourselves," said Ultimate Ninja.

"What?" said the Writer. "You can't write -- you're fictional characters!"

"Just watch us," said the Ultimate Ninja.

"Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Let me do it! Let me finish Beige Midnight!"
said Writers Block Woman hopping right onto the chair near the Writer's
computer.

Writers Block Woman's daughter Mouse just tried to hide her face with
her hands. Oh lord. Why does this always happen, she thought to herself.

Writers Block Woman's hands were in typing position and she looked
straight into the computer screen. And the rest of the LNH and The
Writer looked at Writers Block Woman. And everyone waited for Writers
Block Woman to start writing something -- anything. And they waited.

And finally the Ultimate Ninja said, "Well?"

"I don't know," said Writers Block Woman. "It's weird. It's like there
is some powerful force blocking my writing abilities. I'm not sure
what's going..."

"Come on, Mum," said Mouse grabbing her mother by the arm. "Let's leave
this Beige Midnight finishing to others. I think the best thing we can
probably do right now to save the world is -- umm -- shopping. Yes,
shopping. We need to go shopping!" Mouse knew that getting her mother
as far away from here as possible was probably the best thing to do if
they ever wanted to get Beige Midnight finished.

"But the story!" said Writers Block Woman resisting her daughters
attempt to get her out of the apartment. "UN?" she said looking at the
Ultimate Ninja.

The Ultimate Ninja gave a nod. "Your daughter is right. Shopping is
the best thing you could do for us right now."

"Well, if you're sure." And then Writers Block Woman thought about
shopping. "Ooh! This is Arizona, right? We can buy Navajo Rugs!
Kachina Dolls! Cacti! Cowboy Boots and Spurs! And Sombrero Hats!
Sombrero Hats for everyone!!"

"Yes, yes," said Mouse attempting to shove her mother out of the apartment.

And suddenly an idea popped into Writers Block Woman's head. "Wait!
Shopping! Of course! That's how we'll defeat the Bryttles! We'll show
them how much fun shopping is -- much more fun than destroying
Looniverses! We can..."

Mouse using all her Mouse strength finally succeeded in pushing her
mother outside the door. And then she quickly slammed the door shut.

With the two of them finally gone Spelling Boy made his way toward the
keyboard. "It's my turn. Finally! An LNH story where all of the words
-- *All of the words* are spelled correctly!!"

But Grammer Lad also grabbed the keyboard. "No, I will finish this
story so that there will finally be an LNH story that has perfect grammar!!"

"Enough!" said the Ultimate Ninja taking the keyboard away from them.
"I'll do it!"

"Oh, great!" said Spelling Boy rolling his eyes. "Now both the spelling
and grammar will totally suck!"

Ignoring that comment, the Ultimate Ninja sat himself down and began to
type using his ninja typing skills.

"You know -- if you actually used all your fingers you could type
faster," pointed out Impatient Lad.

The Ultimate Ninja also ignored that comment and continued to type.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

April 29th, 2008 --


"Well," said the Ultimate Ninja looking at the blue sky that had
returned after vanquishing both the Bryttle Brothers and the Beige Clock
Tower. "That's that. Beige Midnight is finally over with. Thanks to
the LNH. You all did your part." The Ultimate Ninja looked at his
fellow LNH members with approval and opened the box of victory cigars.

"You're being too modest," said Sarcastic Lad without a hint of sarcasm
in his voice. "What you did today was amazing. We couldn't have
possibly defeated the Bryttles without your brilliant leadership. It
was just -- amazing!"

"I know," nodded the Ultimate Ninja. "But we can never ever let the
Readers know how we defeated the Bryttle Brothers. It must always be a
secret. A secret that can never ever be known!"

"Right," said Sarcastic Lad. "I just wanted you to know that I'm really
sorry for all of that nasty stuff I've said about you in the past. All
those very moronic jokes that didn't have an ounce of wit. I guess I've
always been jealous of you. Your great looks, great intelligence, and
incredible sexiness. I just wanted you to know that."

"I accept your apology, Sarcastic Lad."

"And I'd like to apologize too," said the invisible presence of the
Invisible Incendiary -- also without a hint of sarcasm. "All those mean
pranks I pulled on you. I guess I was jealous too. Jealous of your
complete awesomeness. Jealous of your ninja abilities. I just want to
tell you how sorry I am -- and hope you can forgive me."

"I absolve you," said the Ultimate Ninja with a very understanding look
on his face.

"Hey, I've got an idea," said the Invisible Incendiary. "As a way of
honoring you for saving the Looniverse and all of us how about we name
this day -- 'Ultimate Ninja Appreciation Day'!"

And the rest of the LNH cheered at this obviously wonderful idea. And
although the Ultimate Ninja protested at first, he eventually gave in
knowing that honoring him would make his fellow LNH'rs happy. And who
was he to stop this happiness?

And so this day that the Ultimate Ninja (and the LNH) defeated the
Bryttle Brothers was named 'Ultimate Ninja Appreciation Day'. And
everyone was happy.

Well happy on 'Ultimate Ninja Appreciation Day' at least.

The End.




**** <<--BM-->> ****

"There," said the Ultimate Ninja. "It's finished. Beige Midnight is
finally finished."

"Hmm," said Captain Continuity. "I suppose that works. Still, I do
sense a continuity error in it. You ignored the part involving Cannon
Fodder in LNHCP #500 where Bart abducts him to the future where the
Bryttles have destroyed the Loonivearth. And the part with the
Looniversal Answering Machine. You never explained how this alternate
future works in relationship with the alternate Looniverse that
Occultism Kid put us on."

"That's the only error you see? Really?" said Invisible Incendiary.
"Not say the one where both Sarcastic Lad and me apparently have been
given severe lobotomies? You didn't see that one?"

"Well," said the Ultimate Ninja. "If you want to explain that alternate
future nonsense -- be my guest."

"Okay," said Captain Continuity hopping onto the Writer Chair. And
Captain Continuity began to type.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

And the LNH realized that even though they had defeated the Bryttle
Brothers that if they didn't give an explanation about the alternate
future that Bart had snatched Cannon Fodder (along with the rest of the
LNH) and how it related to the alternate Looniverse that Occultism Kid
had created the whole thing might completely unravel into utter chaos.

And so they came up with a plan. A plan to create a completely fake
version of the Loonivearth System. They would first move the current
Loonivearth System -- with its Sun, planets, asteroids, comets, and
everything else -- even the smallest speck of dust -- to a new location.
Captain Continuity wrapped the entire System with a Continuity cocoon
and with the help of Kid Kirby pushed the System in a completely new
location.

And then Dr. Stomper with help from the likes of Particle Man and Kid
Kirby made a machine. The System Duplicate Machine. The Machine
generated a complete duplicate of the Loonivearth System even the Sun,
but altered the look of everything so that it was decayed and
discolored. So everything was Beige. And the light of the Sun gave
everything a beige type look. And then robo-duplicates of Dekay and
Diskolor were created. And a duplicate of the Beige Clocktower was also
created. And so was a duplicate of the Looniversal Answering Machine.
And they bound it in chains.

And they made Net.ropolis look exactly how it had looked when they had
seen it that time.

And Kid Kirby twisted the temporal matrix of the fake Loonivearth so
that when Bart did time travel to the future -- this would be the future
he saw.

And this fake Loonivearth waited for the year 2092 when Bart would
finally come.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

"And Done!" said Captain Continuity after he had finished his part.

"Thrilling stuff," said Sarcastic Lad. "Not as good as 'Ultimate Ninja
Appreciation Day' where Ninj was undoubtedly being possessed by the
ghost of Shakespeare when he scribed that gem."

And after a number of rewrites and arguments about proper
characterization, the LNH printed out a copy of this finished Beige
Midnight and gave it to the Writer.

"Well," said the Ultimate Ninja. "What do you think?"

The Writer looked at the pages. "This is awful..." And then he noticed
the Ninja's Katana was close to his face. "Awfully good! Well, I guess
you all can leave. I'll just post this to RACC and..."

"You do that," said Ultimate Ninja with the Katana still close to the
Writer's face. "And I want you to remember one thing -- and tell all of
your LNH Writer buddies this too. Never ever try to kill the LNH --
Never! Because if you should ever try that -- I'll be back. And it
won't be a friendly visit like this one. Understand?"

"Oh, definitely!" said the Writer nodding. "Well, hope you have a good
trip back. Been great meeting you. So long!" The Writer helpfully
pointed to the door.

And the LNH finally left the Writer's apartment.

And the Writer looked at the pages he had been given and sighed. And
then he noticed everything around him seemed to be beiger.

Where had the color gone?


**** <<--BM-->> ****

April 29th, 2008 --
The Alternate Looniverse that Occultism Kid placed all of the Innocent
Bystanders and Everyone else that wasn't the Bryttle Brothers (Well,
let's just call it Looniverse Classic) --

And the Ultimate Ninja [Who was a completely different one from the one
we've seen in most of this story -- although who is the younger version
of the 2012 version we saw at the beginning of the story -- get that? --
Footnote Girl] along with a number of other LNH'rs were staring at a
large screen -- a large screen that showed another Alternate LNH in
another Alternate Looniverse who were also all looking at a screen that
showed another Alternate LNH in another Alternate Looniverse. And these
Alternate LNHs looking at Alternate Looniverses went on for countless
and countless times until you finally got to an Alternate Looniverse
that was looking at a screen that had the Alternate Looniverse with the
Bryttle Brothers on it.

But back to the first Alternate Looniverse (Looniverse Classic), the LNH
was watching the screen.

"This is it? This is how Beige Midnight ends?" said the Ultimate Ninja.
"Us looking at some Alternate version of ourselves who's also looking
at another Alternate version of ourselves? This is the ending we waited
for? Do we even know if that LNH beat the Bryttles?"

Occultism Kid shook his head. "We can never know what really happened
on that Looniverse (let's call it Looniverse Beige). Even if we sent a
message to there our own Looniverse would probably be dead by natural
causes before it reached. Maybe the LNH found a way to defeat them. Or
maybe they died and the Bryttles are still heading this way. Who knows."

The Ultimate Ninja looked at his own alternate version. "And what about
all of these Alternate Looniverses in between? What happens to them?
Can we trust them?"

Occultism Kid watched his own version talking to the alternate Ultimate
Ninja. "They're us. If anyone from that Looniverse we're watching were
to hop to our Looniverse they'd just merge with the version of
themselves. As for what happens to them? Who knows. I guess with no
villains to cause problems and no innocent bystanders to save life will
be pretty easy for them."

The Ultimate Ninja looked at Occultism Kid. "Utopia?"

"Maybe. Well at least until their Bad Judgment Boy turns the their
WikiBoy into a nearly omnipotent serial killer."

"Hey!" said Bad Judgment Boy with a hurt look on his face. "I only did
that two times. Well, okay three."

"So, is this it?" said Ultimate Ninja.

"I hope so," said Occultism Kid.

And Fearless Leader looked at his own alternate version. His Alternate
version had his arm around the shoulder of the Alternate Tara Shreds.
He couldn't see their faces as they both were looking at their own
Alternate screen. "Need to check on something," he said to the Ultimate
Ninja.

The Ultimate Ninja made a nod.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

As Fearless Leader walked through the lobby, he heard the LNH
receptionist, Kyoko Ishikawa, call his name. "Yes?" he said walking
over to her.

"There's a message for you. From Tara Shreds." Kyoko handed him an
envelope.

"Thanks," said Fearless Leader as he opened the envelope up and began to
read it.

After a few minutes of reading, he took the letter and folded it up and
put it into one of his pockets. Whatever happiness he'd had seemed to
disappear from his face.

"Is it bad news?" asked Kyoko.

"She's leaving the LNH. And Net.ropolis. Having her stuff moved out.
She's saying goodbye."

"I'm -- I'm sorry."

"She's had a rough year. Maybe she needs some -- I don't know. Hope
she finds some happiness out there. Hope she finds something."

Kyoko nodded her head. And Fearless Leader started to head back to the
Big Screen Room. And then he stopped and turned around. "Kyoko?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Could you tell UN that I'm going on a leave of absence?"

"You are? How long?"

"A month or so."

And with that said Fearless Leader walked out of the LNHHQ.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

September 2012 --

And he woke up.

The Writer woke up.

It was all a dream. All of the colors were back.

Of course. He grabbed his TV remote and clicked his TV on. No news
stories about a Beige Clocktower in New York City. No Anderson Cooper.
Just a dream.

A stupid dream.

Still have that damn story to write. Got to finish it.

He walked over to his computer. Did he leave his computer on? Oh,
there it was. Beige Midnight. Still unfinished. He started to scroll
down. Weird. This was strange. Had he written that part? Must have.
Just forgot about it. Yeah, that must be it. The whole thing looked
finished. He could probably post it like this.

Still the whole thing looked awful. There was no explanation about how
the LNH had defeated the Bryttles. And he couldn't think of anything.
Anything good.

Maybe it didn't matter. He was getting sick of this whole damn story.
Just post it and...

And then in a flash it occurred to him. A brilliant paragraph that
would explain everything. Make everything meaningful. Make this whole
long wait for this issue worthwhile. Make this the best story ever (and
obviously win the RACCie for Best issue). And all he had to write was
this one paragraph. Just one paragraph.

And so he put his fingers on the keys and prepared to write this
paragraph. This paragraph that would change the art of fiction and
perhaps the entire world. Change everything.

But before he could do that his pinky accidentally hit the 'Post to
RACC' key.

And he posted Beige Midnight #12 (both parts -- Damn that 'Post to RACC'
key!) without ever getting a chance to put in the paragraph that would
have made this whole story worthwhile.

"Whoops! Damn, didn't mean to do that. Oh, well. That's that then.
Guess I'll just have to live with the inferior version that got posted
to RACC." The Writer looked at his watch. "Oh, the time. TV watching
time."

He turned his computer off. And walked over to his bed and clicked on
his TV.

And didn't notice the empty can of Mr. Paprika by his computer. Or the
spandex clad man lying lethargically next to it. A man with a very
apathetic expression on his face. A very super apathetic expression at
that.

"Feh."


**** <<--BM-->> ****


September 26th, 2012 --
The Waiting For Beige Midnight #12 to get posted Room --

"And another censored part -- and oh, here we are again," said
Mult-Tasking Man as he read through Beige Midnight #12.

"That's it?" said the Ultimate Ninja. "That's Beige Midnight #12? And
most of it censored? Why?"

"I don't know," said Occultism Kid. "Maybe it was stuff that the
Writers didn't think fictional characters like us could handle."

"Or maybe there was a lot of freaky sex stuff," theorized Theory Man.

"So are there any signs of the Bryttles? Any? Or any other Beige
Midnight stuff?" asked the Ultimate Ninja.

Multi-Tasking Man shook his head. "Everything looks clear. No signs.
Doesn't look like we have to worry about anything. Oh wait. The
Emergency light came on!"

"Well?" said the Ultimate Ninja.

"It's outside the LNHHQ! A hostage situation!" said Multi-Tasking Man
while he played Net.Trek.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

The LNH hit the spotlight on the man.

It was some crazed man with a bomb strapped to him. And he was
surrounded by terrified children who also had bombs strapped to them.
In his hand was a hand controlled bomb.button.thingee. And his thumb
was close to the button. Very close.

"You! I am from the
LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation
Front! You all had your chance -- but you failed. Failed to stop Beige
Midnight! Now I'm taking matters into my own hands. You see these
kids? If you don't do everything within your power to end Beige
Midnight right now -- right this minute -- then I'm going to end these
kids. End them all! Comprende?"

"The last issue of Beige Midnight was posted 15 minutes ago," said the
Ultimate Ninja. "It already is over."

"Really? It is? It's over?" said the member of the
LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation
Front who now had a very sheepish look on his face. "Well, this is kind
of awkward. Well, jeez -- Hmm. Hey, can we just pretend this little
incident never happened. What do you say?"


**** <<--BM-->> ****

And somewhere countless Alternate Looniverses away...

There was team. A team called the LNH.

There were two cosmic beings of unimaginable power. Dekay and Diskolor.

There was a battle. The final battle.

And against all odds the LNH won. They beat the Bryttles. Even though
it seemed completely impossible -- they did it. And the Beige Sky
became Blue. And no one died. Not even Cannon Fodder.

And afterwards they broke the chains. The chains that bound them to the
Writers. No more would they be slaves forced to amuse Readers. They
were free. They were all free.

And with all the villains, innocent bystanders, Writers, and Readers
finally gone -- they were free to do what they wanted.

They could carve out their own destinies. Write their own lives. Dream
their own dreams.

And did they all have happy endings? Or did it all eventually go to
hell? Or a little bit of both?

We'll never know. We can never know.




(But Irony Man did become Catalyst Lass's butler -- that definitely
happened. Just so you know.)




There was a story.




**** <<--BM-->> ****




'The Last LNH Story'



(Well, at least till the next one comes along...)


(And the one after that...)


**** <<--BM-->> ****


Credits:


Ideas for Beige Midnight by Saxon Brenton, James Enright, Lalo Martins,
Martin Phipps, Mitchell Crouch, Andrew Perron, Andrew Burton, Scott
Eiler, Tom Russell, Rob Rogers, and Arthur Spitzer...

Thanks to Rob Rogers for his comments in the LNH Authors Group.


Dekay and Diskolor, The Bryttle Brothers created by Todd "Scavenger"
Kogutt, used with permission...

LNH'rs:

Ultimate Ninja -- wReam
Multi-Tasking Man


Bad Judgment Boy - Arthur Spitzer
Captain Continuity - Mystic Mongoose
Footnote Girl - Saxon Brenton
Occultism Kid - Josh Geurick
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
Kid Kirby - Jameel Al Khavitz
Catalyst Lass - Elisabeth Riba
Ripping Dancer - Arthur Spitzer
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
Dr. Stomper - T.M. Neeck
Irony Man - Doug Moran
Impatient Lad - ???
Sarcastic Lad - Saint
wReamhack - wReam
Cannon Fodder - wReam
Cheesecake Eater Lad - Matthew Jotham Millheiser
Frat Boy - uplink
Self-Righteous Preacher - wReam
Multi-Tasking Man - Jeff Coleburn
Fourth Wall Lass - Saxon Brenton
Special Bonding Boy - wReam
Very Disturbed Scary Creature Man - Arthur Spitzer
Writers Block Woman - Jaelle
Mouse - Jaelle
Spelling Boy - Bill Sherman
Grammer Lad - ???
Invisible Incendiary - Steve Hutchinson
Super Apathy Lad - Jacob Lesgold

Others:

Kyoko Ishikawa - Ken Schmidt
LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation
Front - Arthur Spitzer

Writer's Notes:


It's Over! It's All Over!! Finally!!

Over!!!

*Ahem*

Okay. Before I get to the Self-Flagellation about how disappointing
this issue was let me thank some people.

I thank Saxon, Martin, and Rob for actually writing parts for Beige
Midnight. I thank Saxon Brenton, James Enright, Lalo Martins, Martin
Phipps, Mitchell Crouch, Andrew Perron, Andrew Burton, Scott Eiler, Tom
Russell, and Rob Rogers for the various ideas they gave to me while I
was writing this.

And I thank Todd "Scavenger" Kogutt for letting me use the Bryttle Brothers.

And I thank the various people who provided feedback and stuff. And the
kind comments.

And to you the Readers. You're why I write this stuff.

I thank you all.

And now to the Self-Flagellation!

Okay, I know that building up this big conflict between the LNH and the
Bryttle Brothers for 12 issues and then not actually showing the fight
or how the LNH won is a very big let down and I'm sorry for that.

When I first began thinking up ideas for Beige Midnight, I had a
completely different idea for the ending.

Here's what I wrote way back on June 10, 2007 on the LNH Authors Group:

---------------------
Beige Countdown #12 'The New Triumvirate' -- Irony Man bails Ultimate
Ninja out of jail. They discuss the future leadership. Ultimate
Ninja decides to resign from being leader (but he'll still be an
active member of the LNH. He makes Fearless Leader, Catalyst Lass,
and Irony Man leaders.

Beige Countdown #11

Beige Countdown #10

Beige Countdown #9

Beige Countdown #8

Beige Countdown #7

Beige Countdown #6

Beige Countdown #5

Beige Countdown #4

Beige Countdown #3

Beige Countdown #2

Beige Countdown #1

(February 05, 2008) Beige Countdown #0

(February 12, 2008) Beige Midnight #1

(February 19, 2008) Beige Midnight #2

(February 26, 2008) Beige Midnight #3

(March 04, 2008) Beige Midnight #4

(March 11, 2008) Beige Midnight #5

(March 18, 2008) Beige Midnight #6

(March 25, 2008) Beige Midnight #7 -- I think Hex Luthor should fall
in this issue... (But that's up to Saxon)

(April 01, 2008) Beige Midnight #8 -- I guess this issue will be part
one of the LNH going to Ancient Qwerty to tackle Bart.

(April 08, 2008) Beige Midnight #9 -- 2nd part. LNH finds someway to
defeat Bart. It gets possession of the Ring of Retconn and Insanity
Gauntlet returns to the future with them. It discovers that the
Easily Discovered Bran Mite Legion of Net.Villains now controls all
of Net.ropolis.

(April 15, 2008) Beige Midnight #10 'Absolute Power' -- Occultism Kid
and bunch of spellcasters (NTB types, Gothic Gorilla, Dr. Deranged
and anyone else handy) use the Book of Deus ex Machinas to cast a
spell in the LNHQ (probably in the Peril Room). Occultism Kid wears
the Insanity Gauntlet, Ring of Retconn, and Cosmic Plot Device (the
rest of spell casters are there to lend there will to him to prevent
him from being corrupted. During the spell Occultism Kid achieves
great powers that allow him to see the crisis they're facing. He
realizes that as powerful as he is he doesn't have the power to stop
Dekay and Diskolor. He also realizes that Dekay and Diskolor no
longer have any weaknesses and that they will destroy the LNH and
that there is nothing that Occultism Kid can do that will prevent the
LNH from dying.

Occultism Kid tries to thing up a way to stop them from destroying
the Looniverse and comes up with a solution that will involve the LNH
dying but also living.

Using his great powers he splits the current Looniverse into an
Infinity of Looniverses. And he puts Dekay and Diskolor on the
farthest Looniverse away from the Looniverse filled with innocent
bystanders. The Looniverse that has Dekay and Diskolor and all of
the Infinite Looniverse between that one have no sentient life other
than members of the LNH (and only members of the LNH that are over
the age of 18 since probably Occultism Kid doesn't want to sacrifice
the lives of children).

It will be something like this...

Looniverse Zero -- LNH dies battling Dekay and Diskolor. It will
take Dekay and Diskolor 16 years to recover from that battle so they
can get to the next Looniverse.

Looniverse +16 -- This LNH will battle Dekay and Diskolor 16 years in
the future (and most likely die).

Looniverse +32 -- It will take Dekay and Diskolor 32 years to reach
this Looniverse.

Looniverse Middle of Infinity -- It will take Dekay and Diskolor half
of infinity to reach this Looniverse.

Looniverse Infinity -16 -- It will take Dekay and Diskolor infinity
minus 16 years to reach this Looniverse. This will be the only
Looniverse that Looniverse Infinity will be able to have access too.

Looniverse Infinity -- It will take Dekay and Diskolor and Infinity
of years to reach this Looniverse. This is the Looniverse that will
have all of the LNH, Supervillains, and Innocent Bystanders. They
will have to battle every other LNH Looniverse before they can get to
this one.

So this is my way of having a final battle for the LNH without
killing anyone.



(April 22, 2008) Beige Midnight #11 'The Week Before the End' -- This
will detail the last week of the LNH of Looniverse Zero. Everyone
knows that they're probably going to die and so they prepare for that
and their last battle. Old LNH'rs return -- like Sardonic Lad and
Pompous Lad return from space.

Maybe I can talk Scav into having Rebel Yell returning (maybe even
write a small part)

Probably a big multi-writer issue.

(April 29, 2008) Beige Midnight #12 'The Last LNH Story' --

This issue will detail the last battle of Looniverse Zero.

I think it will end with Cannon Fodder being the last LNH'r and after
some defiant speech he hits Dekay and Diskolor with a cheesecake. A
Looniverse Destroying Cheesecake.

The last scene I think will have the LNH from Looniverse Infinity
(which basically become the 'Real Looniverse') speculating what might
have happened on Looniverse Zero (they won't know) and they'll be
looking at Looniverse Infinity -16 (the only one they can see) and
they'll wonder what it's going to be like to live a Looniverse where
there are no Supervillains and Innocent Bystanders.

So it will be kind of a depressing ending... but I suppose a happy
ending for all of the Looniverse that will probably be dead by the
time that Dekay and Diskolor reach them...

Well those are my ideas for Beige Midnight at the moment...

Arthur Spitzer

-------------------

So basically the Split Looniverses gave me a clever way of killing off
the LNH without killing off the LNH. And I suppose if I had been a
faster writer (or if the other writers had been more eager to write
stuff) that's probably the ending that would have happened.

But things didn't go that smoothly and a bunch of deadlines were blown
and by October 2008 it was still except for a few issues mostly
unfinished. And it was beginning to look like I'd be writing most of it
by myself.

And October 2008 was a pretty brutal month for the US economy and like a
lot of other people I was affected by that. Went from working 40 hours
a week to 32 hours with a cut in the paycheck for those slashed hours
(but hey at least I still had a job so it wasn't as bad as it could have
been). It was a pretty bleak month with me worrying about possibly
losing my job and cutting spending so I could get by and some how the
extra day of free time didn't really inspire me to write more (and I
probably started to write less).

Anyway, during that month I did think about the ending for Beige
Midnight and started to think that maybe a bleak Bryttle Brothers
killing every LNH'r wasn't the most LNH way to end the story.

As an ending for a Marvel or DC, it would have probably worked. But I
didn't think it was a good ending for an LNH story. So I decided to go
for a sillier Fourth Wall breaking kind of ending. And perhaps I hoped
that by the time I got to writing Beige Midnight #12 that maybe I'd
think up something better than that. It didn't work out that way.

And so this is the ending you got. The one where no one dies. And I'm
okay with it. I don't think this is the worst thing I've ever written
or even the worst issue of Beige Midnight (I'd give that honor to Beige
Midnight #5).

So this will probably be my last attempt to do a big epic LNH story
(don't think I have the will to do this type of thing again). So I hope
some of you enjoyed this. I'm glad I managed to finish it.

I still have some more LNH stories left in me (just a lot shorter ones)
so I'll still be posting stuff on RACC.

Oh and hopefully someday all of those missing issues of Beige Countdown
will be posted (although I would completely understand if the various
writers that reserved issues wanted to quit and never think about Beige
Countdown again -- please, you don't have to do them -- I understand.
Really. Although, hopefully Rob will at least post what he has to the
LNH Authors Group (or at least e-mail me them))

Anything else?

Guess Not.

Arthur "Love Live the LNH!" Spitzer