CRY.SIG #5.interlude: Ultimate Ninja meddles with it again! :)
sl...@cc.usu.edu
Ultimate Ninja poised himself between the gap of two dimensions.
The Void closed closer and closer. Out in the background there
was a huge battle going on between Louise Simonson, some of the
LNH, That what was left. Fortunately, Ultimate Ninja was hidden
to the DRIZZTSAT, and his caper. So he stood there watching the
Void Approach in anticepation of the whole hero thing being destroyed,
out from under them, yet something held him back to watch.
Would he warn them of the impending implosion? Or which alliances
would he follow? How long would the character Ultimate Ninja
remain a dangling plot line? But there was another threat. As
Ultimate Ninja sat at the gateway there came a ever too familiar
chanting "Doom, Doom Doom DOoom DOOOoooM Dooom!" Ultimate Ninja
turned to see a large hulking grey mass! Bigg and Powerful with
strange bovine features and a huge cow udder on his chest! Yes
that's right! It was ..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * <--- No its not a rippoff! mine are closer
together! :)
Aunt Comic-Relief lay catatonic on the ground. She had just had a
coronary and was paralyzed from the neck down. No longer could she
live as a neglected burden on this society. Wellfare was no where
to be seen and McLaughlin Man wasn't doing anything to change her
life! In addition she felt so alone. Continuity Champ had completely
neglected her, and now in her greatest time of need she thought she
would die. But she didn't!
Cannon Fodder gurgled at her side. He would be ok, no matter
how many times he died! That was his power! Gosh, thought Aunt Comic-Relief
If only I could think of a joke. Even an old one. Something even
Cliche Dude would use, maybe. Anything.
Then like lightening she remembered the little gizmo around her neck.
It was time to unleash its power...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
UDDER DOOM!!!!!!! I shall CRUSH you! You are a hero! You must be
CRUSHED! Doom Doom DOOM! Comic sales went up ten times, Uh-Oh! Does
this mean I am going to die, thought Ultimate Ninja!?
Udder Doom moved back and prepared his oration before weilding his deadly
attack. "Teenage Mutant Ninja! You are too good! Youre a fool that never kills
anyone! No Violent tendencies! You don't fit in this world of Comics!
You must Goooooo!!!!"
Teenage Mutant Ninja!! Is this guy for real?
Thought the confused martial master!
Udder Doom Turned to Ultimate Ninja and plowed both fists into the opening
where the gate stood. Ultimate Ninja lept over the two bludgeoning instruments
of super destruction. Udder doom pointed his Udders at Ultimate Ninja.
A stream of white liquid fire splashed across the comic page, but Ultimate
Ninja was so agile that even when swimming he can dodge the water molecules,
how else can you explain all those old Ninja Movies made in Japan that have
Ninjas getting out of the water and instantly their suits are dry?
Ultimate Ninja's mouth began to move in strange motions, but the words came
out in a delayed and unsynchronized fashion. "Just Because Some Claim Milk
is now Toxic, I will not be stopped!" Take something proven to cause cancer!
From his Ninja suit, Ultimate Ninja pulled out his patented and trademarked
Ginsu Ninja Circular Saw-like Throwing Blades! Whiz... Went the sound fx!
Thunk Thunk Thunk Thunk! Errrrrgggh! Arrrrr! There were more sound fx!
Udder Doom jumped back in shock, his blood covered his hands. He stared at
it in awe. "NOOOOOOOOO! You made me bleed! But the Teenage Mutant Ninja
has NEVER drawn blood!?!"
Ultimate Ninja grimaced and grabbed an additional fistful of Ninja Bush. The
Tiny Ultimate Weapons showered the Big Grey Menace and in a minute all that
remained of the Udder Doom as a Red and white ink blot.
That should be enough gratuitous violence to sell lots of issues!
* * * * * 'nuff asterisks * * * *
"I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!!!" in an instant Aunt Comic-Relief was
encircled in bands of energy and bright crimson bands wrapped around her like
a customized walker.
A Walker From Hell! or errr... Heck. (Sorry about that.) I WILL SURVIVE!
cried the strangely confused old woman, as power bands lept from her frail
shaking arms into the air! The Fabric of Net Reality Ripped assunder and
Aunt Comic-Relief's fragile form was cast into the gaping hole between
net.dimensions. In a typhoon of energy smileys and sparkles the gate sealed
and the old woman was gone.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The Void suddenly grew in strength and power. Energy Sparkles were everywhere!
Picking up the strewn bodies of the LNH that had fallen, Ultimate Ninja Cast
each of them through the dimesional escape hatch! The Energy from Aunt
Comic-Relief's apparent energy convulsions mixed with the portal energies.
Something strange was affecting the whole RAC world. The Dead and dismembered
members were contorted as Ultimate Ninja collected their remains. Why would
Ultimate Ninja care? Perhaps there was to be a big funeral issue, but he knew
it would help him somehow, and shovelled the remains of Cannon Fodder through
the gate as well! Just then the gateway began to shrink! (NO! Actually the
thing started shrinking as Cliche Dude was thrown through!) After grabbing
the rest of the LNH and LNV Ultimate Ninja Dove to the portal. The Portal
Closed just as Ultimate Ninja threaded the eye of the gateway!
"Just in the Nick of Time!" claimed a figure cast in shadows... In fact
Ultimate Ninja found himself surrounded by a mob of shadowy figures...
and naturally they moved in around Ultimate Ninja menacingly!
wReam...
Ultimate Ninja!
P.S. Stay Tooned for the shocking conclusion and wrapper upper to the
Ultimate Ninja Saga! If Cry.Sig has you a bit depressed, just remember
it's not over yet! :)
Mark Crimson Friedman
Doom from afar, trying to take some pictures of U-Ninja in action.
Later, he'd sketch out a picture of himself bonking Acton Lord's and
Ultimate Ninja's heads together just like the Three Stooges: what a
triumph it would be!
He looked over his shoulder and noticed the fabric of time and space
unravelling behind him. "Gads!" he cried, "is that the fabric of time
and space unravelling behind me?" He figured that the dimension of
rec.arts.comics was coming to a violent end!!! "Oh. Okay..." He
shrugged and kept typing his exit of RAC to the realm of Chatsubo...
* * * * * * * *
Newsgroups: alt.cyberpunk.chatsubo
Subject: A Stranger Enters...
From: Mark "Crimson" Friedman <frie...@cis.ohio-state.edu>
Organization: NAIVE - New And Improved Virtual Environment
The Chatsubo was quiet that day. Ratz made his obligatory
appearance and wiped off the bar with a rag, fulfilling his obligation
to keep the newsgroup even *slightly* related to its own title.
Then it happened: the door of the bar was blown off its
hinges, falling onto some nameless patron who was only there to be
slaughtered carelessly anyway. A shadowy figure walked in, hefting a
bazooka over one shoulder. He looked at the man bleeding under the
doorway and muttered, "Amazing resemblance to Cannon Fodder..."
Generic Street Samurai jumped up from his table and
proclaimed, "You can't do that!"
"Why not, little boy?"
"'Cuz it's *my* job to senselessly destroy lives and property
in this establishment." He pulled a howitzer out of his pocket,
pointed it at the bandstand, and fired, scattering musicians
everywhere.
"You think that's tough? Look at this sword!" He drew his
katana and threw it across the room, nailing a waitress between the
eyes. "Top that!"
"I got a sword too!" Generic Street Samurai drew it from the
sheath. "It's monofilament: sharper than yours, too!"
"Yeah, but mine's cleaner! Look at the way mine glints in the
light!" He motioned over to the waitress, who found the strength to
hold it up for the patrons to see ("Oooooh!" "Ahhhh!"). "Your sword
is all dirty! You should be embarrassed. Clean that off!"
The Samurai pouted and wiped the blade off on his shirt.
Unfortunately, the monofilament blade *did* turn out to be *extremely*
sharp, thus cutting him in half in the process. "Oooops..." The
torso fell off the legs and onto the ground.
The Stranger smirked. "Works every time..." He walked over to
the bar, reclaiming his sword from the waitress along the way.
"Barkeep! Gimmie an Old Peculiar..." Ratz did so.
The man on the stool beside him smiled. "Nice selection, eh?
My name's Freddy Marx, what's yours?"
The stranger smiled, "They call me Netlurker. I just escaped
to here from rec.arts.comics. What do you do?"
"Oh, I'm an angst-ridden decker turned musician who winds up
being everybody's punching bag somehow..." He shrugged.
Netlurker raised his eyebrows. "Oh, really?" He pushed
Freddy off his stool, jumped on his chest, and proceeded to wail on
the musician's face...
* * * * * * * *
"Awwwww, come on!!!"
"ACK!!!" Netlurker turned to face the voice behind him. It was Cliche
Dude himself!
"Hey, I've used some bad cliches in my time, but this is just plain
pathetic! I mean, *everyone* makes this sort of macho intro post and
then are never heard from again. You should be *ashamed* of
yourself!" Cliche Dude pointed an admonishing finger.
Netlurker lowered his eyes and pouted like a child. "Awwww...I'm
Sorrrrreeeee..."
"Now go to your dressing room." Netlurker shuffled pitifully
offstage. Cliche Dude yelled through the fourth wall to Gaffer Lad,
Kid Grip, Master Electrician, Foley Frank, and the rest of the
Production Crew, "That's a wrap gang! We can all go home now..."
THE END
(a Klone Crimson production)
--
Mark "Klone Crimson" Friedman is frie...@cis.ohio-state.edu .................
"There is nothing former "Beat poets, "If you put a hungry ferret in your
about King Crimson." not children." trousers, he'll run around..."
- Robert Fripp, 5/11/90 - anonymous - Nigel Tufnel (Spinal Tap)