MST2K: Excalibur #113 2/?
Suzene Campos
See part 1 for disclaimer....
(next panel, face shot of Moira, who seems to be trying very hard not to
let her lower lip tremble)
Moira (thinking): Seems like just yesterday when I took ye in as
muh own, Rahne Sinclair.*
******
Amanda: Well, considering how Marvel time runs, it might have
been just last week.
Kitty: Tell me about it. If they had their way, I'd still be 13! Poor
Jubilee...
Kurt (who's been droning on for a while now): ...and Scott met and
married Maddie and her pregnancy went *awfully* quickly (but we blame
Sinister and the defective condoms for that) and then Jean came back and
he left her and the baby got kidnapped and Maddie died (and came back)
and Jean died (and came back) several times and Cable came back (has he
died yet?) and it's just been a normal week in the life of the X-men. Got
it?
(Mike breaks down in tears)
******
(*Editor's plug: As seen waaaay back in the New Mutants Graphic Novel.
Continuity Corvese.)
******
Tom: *sniff* Oh, for the days when continuity was more than an empty word.
.
******
Moira cont.: Now yuir muh only family. An' I want to spend as
much time wi' ye as possible. But thanks tae the bloody LEGACY
VIRUS--
******
Mike: Don't you just love how the sudden boldface distracts from
the actual dialogue?
Kitty: Considering the quality of said dialogue, yes!
******
Moira cont.: --I'm nae sure I got much time left.
******
Kitty: So she spends it all in the lab and leaves Rahne to take care of
all the housework all by her little wolfen self.
Tom: I'm sure the tail comes in handy as a whisk-broom.
******
(next panel, silhouette of Moira. Everything except her glasses
and a few tears are blacked in)
Moira (thinking): I pray I'll still be here when ye return.
******
Kurt: So she may not cancel that trip to Barbados after all?
******
(next page, first panel, Rahne standing on the ramp of some ship)
******
Rahne (thinking): Stiff upper lip, girl. Lady Moira'll find a
cure tae this disease wot's killin' her. But if--heaven forbid--
she can't...
******
Tom (as Rahne): ...then I inherit the island that much quicker.
******
Rahne cont.: ...I know the good lord's gaunnae...
******
Kitty: Gonna?
Tom: Guano?
Mike: Granola?
******
Rahne cont.: ...hear muh prayers and save her. I have FAITH...
******
Amanda: ...that all of us will be unemployed or shipped off to
another X-title by this time next year.
******
(next panel, Douglock running up the docks)
Douglock: Raaahne!
******
Tom (singing): "...feel it on my fingertips, hear it on the
window pane..."
******
Douglock cont.: Wait up! You forgot this!
******
Kurt: Her common sense?
******
(next panel, Doug facing Rahne, holding up her diary. Nice view
of the back of Rahne's head)
Rahne: Thanks, Douglock. Hey! Wait a sec--!
******
Kurt: My mistake. She forgot her accent.
******
Rahne cont.: Ye're nae usin' yuir image inducer!
******
All: *GASP!* NO! Really?
******
Rahne cont.: Aint'cha worried about people seein' yuir true form?
******
Tom: Yeah, Elephant Man Jr., what do you have to say to that?
******
Douglock: Not anymore. And I owe it all to you!
******
Kitty (as a Richard Simmons-esque Douglock): I lost an original
personality in just ten issues! Thanks, Ben Raab!
******
(next panel, face-shot of Douglock)
Douglock: You taught me not to be afraid of what I am on the
outside. That what's inside is all that matters.
******
Kitty: Unless you're a Phalanx constructed Doug Ramsey look-alike
who can't touch anyone except mutants, or you'll transform them
into a techno-organic life-form. Then it is what's on the
outside... specifically on the epidermis... that matters.
Mike: We are the Borg...
Kitty: Wrong universe.
******
(next panel, Doug and Rahne hugging)
Douglock: You taught me to have faith in myself.
******
Amanda: I know I haven't been around lately, but just when did
all of this happen?
Tom: Hey, if Ben says it happened, it happened.
(Kitty smacks Tom)
Kitty: Do you want me to phase through your brain?
******
Rahne: Dougie-- that's the nicest, sweetest thing anyone's e'er
said tae me!
******
Tom: Man, have you had a lousy life!
******
Rahne: Och--sniff-- ye're gauna make me cry!
******
Kitty: Oh,(hurk!), you're gonna make me puke!
Amanda: I was looking forward to seeing him use the word
"gaunnae" again, too.
******
Rahne cont.: F'r the record, I think ye're just beautiful! Inside
and out!
(next panel, Rahne lunges towards Douglock)
Rahne: I'm gauna miss ye, boyo. (kisses Douglock) MMMWAA!
******
All: NO! NO! ARRRRGH!
Kurt: <sigh> We should have seen it coming. Two unattached people
on the same team... it was inevitable.
Mike: 'Boyo?' Are Moira and Rahne Irish now?
Tom (ignoring Mike): Well, at least they're of different genders. Look at
what almost happened with Shatterstar and Ric...
******
(next panel, Rahne and Douglock kissing)
Douglock: I'm gonna miss you too, Rahne.
******
Kitty: How can they talk when they're joined at the tongue?
******
Both: ...mmMMMmm...
(another panel of kissing)
Both: ...mmMMMmm...?
******
Amanda: This is intermission, right?
******
(next panel, Rahne and Douglock facing each other. Nice view of
the back of Douglock's head)
******
Mike: Is it just me, or does this guy really hate doing profiles?
******
Rahne: Oh...
Douglock: ...my...
Rahne: ...God.
******
Tom: Three Hail Mary's for taking the Lord's name in vain and a
hysterectomy for that kiss. Next sinner!
******
Douglock: Um...Er...Uhhhh...
Rahne: I... Uh... Er... Ummmm. I--I've got tae go!
******
Kitty: Should have taken care of that before you left home.
Amanda: Just go to wolf-form and lift a leg on something.
Tom: Or someone.
Kurt: Preferably a certain writer.
******
(next panel, Rahne's feet walking away from Douglock)
Douglock: Uhhhh, yeah... bye.
Voice Over Box: It's amazing what can happen in an instant.
******
Kurt: For example, in one instant you can lose your respect for
a writer, two characters, a company, and your lunch.
******
Voice Over cont.: For the techno-organic boy known as Douglock...
(next panel, showing Rahne's face looking out of a porthole)
Voice Over cont.: ...and his mutant were-girlfriend-- Wolfsbane--
have just discovered...
******
Tom: This guy has a severe phobia about commas, doesn't he?
Amanda: It's official. Every relationship on Muir Island has been
dismantled in the most humiliating way possible.
Kitty: What I want to know is when those two hooked up. And I'm not
talking about the tongue-weaving either.
******
(next panel, Douglock wiping his hand across his forehead)
******
Amanda: Techno-organic material sweats?
******
Voice over: ...sometimes a single kiss...
******
Kurt: Or an angst-loving writer...
******
Voice over cont.: ...is all it takes to change a friendship
forever.
Douglock (thinking): I can't believe I just did that! I just
couldn't help it! Being that CLOSE to her did SOMETHING to me!
******
Mike: Is he pleading insanity?
Tom: Hey, it worked for Tinfoil-lad.
******
(next panel, a dejected Douglock walking away from the dock as
Rahne's ship sails into the distance. There's a seagull sitting
on crates off to the side)
******
All: Awwwww...
Kurt: Even the birdie looks depressed.
******
Douglock: My olfactory receptors went wild when they registered
the scent of her hair. My tactile sensors went into overdrive
when my oral epidermal layer met hers. I never knew this was
possible but--
******
Tom (as Douglock): I would rather draw unemployment monetary
compensation than work in this pulp-rag any longer.
******
Douglock cont.: -- I think I'm in love.
******
Kitty: And all over the world, Excalibur readers rise as one and
run to worship the porcelain idol.
******
Douglock cont.: Too bad Rahne probably hates me now...
******
Amanda: And as long as you're written as a cheap rip-off of Data,
so will we.
(theater goers get to their feet and exit. Door sequence plays in
reverse)
******
(All walk back into the helm, which is now lit in red light.
Kitty looks at the various gauges while Amanda tries to glue
portions of Kurt's crew-cut back on)
Kitty: Has anyone noticed how hot it is in here?
Tom: I just assumed that Mike left his electric blankie on
again...
Mike: Servo! I told you that in the strictest confidence. I may
never be able to trust you...
Tom: Yeah, yeah. Fine. But now that you mention it, it is kind of
stuffy. And where's Gypsy and Crow? And Crow?
(red button on the nearest panel flashes)
Mike: Hey, we've got an incoming message.
(Pearl Forrester's space-van comes on screen. Crow 1/2 #2 is in
the driver's seat, with Crow 1/2 #1, Gypsy, Pearl, and Bobo the
ape tied to the missing theater chairs in the back of the van)
Tom: Crow, what in the name of Mike Meyers are you doing over
there? And what have you done with Crow?
(Kitty looks at Kurt)
Kitty (whispering): Evil clone?
Kurt (nodding): Evil clone.
Amanda: (shakes head) No way. Five bucks says he's just flipped.
Crow 1/2 #2 (deep, echoing voice): Hear me, Joined Ones! I am not
the robot you once knew! My halving has liberated me to a level
of freedom and senselessness I would not have thought healthy! I
am no longer Crow T. Robot! I am... THE DARK CROW!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Kitty: Damn!
Amanda: Five bucks. Fork it over.
Mike: OK... Crow. But what are you doing?
Dark Crow: I find this level of existence boring. I am going to
use this primitive, sensible space vehicle to tow your SOL into
the sun, and thereby become one with the rest of the fragmented
debris of the cosmos! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mike: But you'll kill us all!
Dark Crow: Oh, who cares? I must be one with the cosmos!
MWAHAHAHAHA!
Mike: What can we do?
Tom: We have only one recourse. For the sake of all that is
sensible, Crow T. Robot must die!
Kitty: I thought Crow was your friend.
Tom: True, Shadowcat. Crow is my friend. I owe him my insomnia,
my ulcer, that dent in my butt... more than I can ever get him
back for. But, as Tom Servo, my first responsibility is to
myself. To ensure my safety-- to ensure the safety off all of my
possessions on the SOL-- Crow must be destroyed! Someone load the
Super-Soaker.
Shadowcat: Hold that thought...
(Shadowcat phases out of the SOL, and over into the rapidly
approaching space-van. Mike and the others watch on the screen)
Dark Crow: You dare defy the Dark Crow?! MWAHAHAHA!
Kitty: Basically, yeah.
Dark Crow: Hah! All who are sane must fall before the will of the
Dark Crow! (Dark Crow begins to sing Aqua's "The Barbie Song")
Kitty: Nooo... AGGGH!
(back on the SOL, everyone writhes in pain)
Dark Crow: "...I'm a blond bimbo girl in a fantasy world..."
Kneel before the Dark Crow and do the Marcarena! MWAHAHAHA!
Kitty: NEVER!
(Kitty reaches out and phases a hand through Crow)
Dark Crow: Oh, sheet... *BZZZZZZZT!*
(Kitty grabs the steering wheel and turns the space-van away from
the SOL. Canned cheering is heard. A few seconds later, Kitty
phases onto the SOL with Gypsy and both halves of Crow.)
Kitty: Tah-dah!
Dark Crow: YOU CAN'T DO THIS! MWAHAHAHAHA! I AM MIGHTY!
MWAHAHAHA! I AM ANNOYING! MWAHAHAHA!
Crow 1/2 #1 (chanting): All is calm... All is Ranma... All is
calm...
(Kitty snatches the glue from Amanda and quickly sticks Crow's
halves back together)
Kitty: Whew! There!
Crow: I AM... hey, what's going on?
Kurt: Am I the only one who feels like a fifth wheel?
Kitty: Face it, guys, I'm the brains of the team.
Mike: Crow, speak to me!
Crow: Why do I have this sudden urge to change my last name to
Pryor?
Mike: Well, it's very simple, actually... (Buzzer goes off) WE'VE
GOT COMIC SIGN!
(while Mike and the robots run around, the Excalians trudge off
the theater and steal the good seats. Tom winds up having to
share his seat with Crow)
******
(the snow covered tops of trees and a big golden tower in the
background)
Voice over box: Meanwhile, deep within a remote valley of the
Swiss Alps...
******
Crow: Little-old-lady-who!
******
Voice over cont. ...at the foot of the legendary mountain known
to a scarce few a Wundagore.
******
Mike: I thought that if something was a legend, it was pretty well known.
Kitty: Well, there'd be more who knew about it if not for that tasteful
and oh, so original "Onslaught" cross-over.
Kurt: Sarcasm becomes you, Katzchen.
******
Voice over cont.: Last night, a jet airliner exploded and crashed
not too far from this majestic site.
******
Tom: Get the feeling a certain comic book writer has watched "La
Bamba" one too many times?
******
Voice over cont.: Its unfortunate passengers..?
******
Amanda: Harrison Ford?
Mike: The Pope?
Tom: George Takei?
******
Voice over cont.: Piotr Nikolievitch Rasputin -- the armored
mutant known as Colossus...
******
Kitty: ...the under-achiever of the "All New, All Different"
era...
******
Voice over cont.: ...and his elfin teammate-- Meggan the
elemental. Despite a raging blizzard, they trudged tirelessly
from peak to frozen peak searching for shelter.
******
Crow: Actually, it was the big guy doing most of the trudging.
Meggan just sort of rode along and said when to stop for pee
breaks.
******
Voice over cont.: They failed.
******
Kurt: But since they're so tireless, that should not make much of
a difference.
******
(next panel, Colossus and Meggan splayed out in the snow with a
hooded figure standing in the background)
Voice over: And as a new day begins, our heroes' fierce struggle
for survival at last comes to a chilling end.
******
Kurt: Wunderbar!
Amanda: Woo woo woo!
Crow: Does that mean we can go now?
******
Voice over cont.: Or does it?
******
All: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Crow: The old bait-and-switch.
Kitty: Knew it was too good to be true.
******
Voice from off-sides: Tsk tsk tsk. Now's not the time to be
lazing in the snow, children.
******
Amanda: Aw, Mom... just five more minutes? I've got a good case
of frostbite going.
Mike: I'm still waiting for that mysterious figure in the
background to start talking.
******
(next panel, figure helping Colossus and Meggan to their feet)
******
Crow (as Colossus): That voice... almost bovine. Elsie, my love,
have you found me at last?
******
Figure: There's WAR on the horizon!
******
Kitty: Oh, joy. A war.
Tom: Can't ever have enough of that.
******
Meggan: Uhnn...
******
Kurt: Very good, Meggan. Now two...
******
Meggan cont.: Wh-who are you...?
Colossus: AAAh...
******
Crow (as Colossus): Geez, Elsie, don't touch me there!
Mike: Bad Crow! Don't corrupt the guest-stars!
******
Colossus cont.: Wh-what do you want?
(next panel, figure removes hood to show a cow's face)
Bova: The creator has named me BOVA.
******
Tom: He shoulda named you Butt-Ugly!
******
Bova cont.: And I want nothing more than to see you safely out of
harm's way before it's too late!
******
Amanda: She obviously hasn't seen what happens to good Samaritans
in the X-titles, has she?
Kitty: Think she'll be shot or just eaten by Meggan?
Tom: Actually, we're still pretty sure she ate Feron...
******
(next panel, Colossus and Meggan leaning on Bova for support)
Colossus: "Bova"..? Why is your name so familiar?
******
Kurt: Aside from the pathetically obvious nomenclature.
******
Bova: Long have I been a friend and ally to other costumed
adventurers... those known as the Avengers--
******
Mike: The whos? Never heard of 'em.
Kitty: This is the Marvel Universe, lady. Only mutants and
radioactive Spider-People are allowed renown here.
******
Bova cont.: --but that is of no import now.
******
Tom: Tell that to Thor! He was trying to pillage Manhattan over in
Looking-Glass world!
******
Bova cont.: This little one requires the creator's immediate
Medical attention!
Meggan: I-- I'll be fine thanks. Jus' need t'get on m'feet again.
******
Amanda: And wait f'r this d'rn Novocain t'wear off...
Crow: Is it just me, or does she look hung-over?
Kitty: It's Colossus' dull company and stupefying conversation having
that effect on her, poor thing.
******
(next panel, the ram-ugly from the cover is blocking their
entrance into Wundagore)
Ram: Ho there, Cow!
******
Mike: Was that a double insult?
Kitty: Hey, wait! You're leaving the mysterious off-panel speaker
behind!
Kurt: Well, that's gratitude for you.
******
Ram: T'ain't wise to be doling alms of succor to the wayward at
an hour so dire.
******
Kurt: And to all of you who don't speak accent-ese, allow me to
translate: It's a bad time to go looking for strays.