MST3K: Excalibur #113 4/4
Suzene Campos
See part 1 for disclaimer...
(next page, a Marvel Subscription form with an ad for Heroes for
Hire)
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All (monotone): Plug.
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(next page, ad for a mail-order comic company)
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All (monotone): Wasted trees.
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(next page, first panel, aerial shot of Muir Island's Research
center)
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All (monotone): Crap.
Tom: Oh, look! We've got story again.
(everyone else turns to look at him)
Amanda: There's a difference?
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Voice over: Back at Muir Island...
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Crow: ...the home of the world's first sliceable morning
beverage...
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A speech bubble: Have you seen KITTY PRYDE, Dr. Mactaggert?
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Kitty: Hell, no! And, if I can help it, you're not going to!
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Speech bubble #1: Briefly.
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Mike: What is how Excalibur #113 was proof-read, Alex?
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(next panel, Moira and Douglock in the lab. Douglock's
interfacing with the computer)
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Kurt: Oh... my... LORD!
Crow: God, they're interfacing right in front of her, and she
isn't batting an eyelash!
Tom: I didn't know Moira was so voyeuristic! That dirty old
woman!
Kitty: She's a doctor. It's nothing she hasn't seen before.
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Moira: Ever since she got home...
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Amanda: From that two-issue shopping trip...
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Moira cont.: ...she's been lookin' f'r that PET DRAGON o'hers. I
guess the wee bugger's been missin' f'r some time.
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Kitty: I don't believe it. A Pete/Moira amalgam...
Mike: All that was good and pure in this comic just committed a
slow, painful suicide.
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Douglock: Hmp. Yet no one seemed to notice.
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Kurt (sarcasm dripping from every syllable): Of course, Herr Raab
noticed this omission all on his own.
Amanda: I wonder how many letter bombs had to be smuggled into
the Marvel offices before he got the point?
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(next panel, inside of an air duct)
Moira voicing over: Well, things have been rather hectic lately.
With all the commotion, seems we forgot to check up on 'im.
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Kitty: Yet Shamrock and her evil army of styling gel managed to
find their way into the "Dragons of the Twilight Magenta"
story-line.
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Voice over cont.: But there's no real cause tae worry--
Lockheed's nae scared o' anythin'!
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Kitty: Thanks, Moira. Your faith in my dragon is so touching.
(glares at Amanda) You couldn't have grabbed Lockheed too?
Amanda (coolly): I can send you back if you want.
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(next panel, Lockheed in a duct, seemingly spotlighted)
Lockheed: COO...? COO...? COO...?
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(Tom bursts out laughing)
Tom: Hee-hee-hee! No more! I'm gonna be sick! *sniff* Whooo...
hee-hee-hee...
Mike: Servo, are you OK?
Tom: Dragons are great stand-up comics, I tell ya! If Seinfeld
could hear this, he'd go hang himself in the latrine!
******
(next page, a surprised Lockheed looking to the left)
Voice off-panel: Drop the "MUTE" act, dragon. We know you can
talk!
Lockheed: MEWWL...?!
Another unseen voice: We said... DROP IT!
(next panel, Lockheed with arms spread wide)
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Crow: Is he flashing us?
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Lockheed: A'right... it's dropped! It's dropped!
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Mike: What is the current state of quality in Excalibur's
writing, Alex?
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Lockheed cont.: What'choo want from me!? I-- I thought we wuz
f--f--FRIENDS!
Off-panel voice: "Friends?" "FRIENDS?!
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Tom: Gosh, someone's pissed off that they missed the episode
where Rachel becomes a lesbian, nudist, born-again circus
performer.
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Another voice: Us...? Be friends with a loser like you...?
(next panel, spotlight on Lockheed, surrounded by blackness with
a multitude of glowing, yellow eyes surrounding him)
Voices: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lockheed (thinking): Kitty... somebody... anybody... HELP!
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Amanda: Oh, no! Lockheed's going to be held captive by the
Brotherhood of Evil Mutant Fireflies!
Kitty (squinting at the screen): Kurt, do those look familiar?
Kurt: Ja, now that you mention it... Oh, no. He wouldn't.
Kitty: This is Raab. He has the bad habit of dredging up past
characters and ruining them.
Crow: What?
Kurt: I refuse to be called the Big Daddy of all Bamfs again.
Amanda: Maybe I'll get lucky and it'll just be a bunch of
Nightcrawler clones.
Crow: Well, at least now we know what it won't be.
Mike: What's that?
Crow: Comprehensible.
(snickering)
******
(next page, first panel, an airplane with a sharply hooked nose
flies through the air)
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Mike: The world's first larger-than-life mosquito decoy...
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Voice-over box: Above the Atlantic, British Airways flight 1013
wings its way towards New York carrying an excited Rahne Sinclair
to a long overdue reunion with some old and dear friends.*
(*Editor's plug: You're invited to the reunion, too!
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Amanda: Just sign away your good taste and your immortal soul, and
we'll send over the entire limited series.
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Plug cont.: Check it out in the New Mutants limited series on
sale in September! Collect 'em all! Kel
******
Tom (as the editor): Oh please, PLEASE fork over your $2.50!
Don't even read it, we just want your money! Marvel NEEDS this
money! Otherwise the repo man will come for our water-cooler!
******
(next panel, view of the passenger cabin)
Misc. blond guy: Z
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Kurt: Zorro flies coach?
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Rahne (thinking): 'Tis guanae be so good tae see Sam and Roberto
and Dani and Xi'an!
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Crow: Ben Raab: Portrait of a comma-phobe.
Kitty (as Rahne): Och, tiz gonna be so good ta see my secret
romance, the Jerk-face who humiliated me by making public fun of my
secret romance in public, the MLF member that attacked Island less than
a month ago, and the Ranma 1/2 reject!
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Rahne cont.: I miss 'em all so much.
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Crow (as Rahne): But muh aim is gettin' better. Just a wee matter
o' time...
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Rahne cont: I only wish wee Illyana Rasputin'...
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Tom: Dumb question: Why is there an apostrophe where no letters
are being left out?
Kurt: (sigh) I'll speak a little Raab-ese for you. Ahem... "The
rain' in Spain' falls main'ly in' N'w York." Get the idea?
Tom: Yes, it all becomes obvious now. You guys are being punished
for some horrible crime against the cosmos!
Kitty: No. If things worked like that, Raab would be given talent
and forced to read his own work.
Kurt: As illustrated by Rob Liefeld.
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Rahne cont.: ...an' sweet Doug Ramsey could be there also.*
(*Editor's plug: Both are now deceased.
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Amanda: Lucky stiffs.
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Plug cont.: Illyana died in UXM 303. Doug Ramsey died in Mew
Mutants 60.)
(next panel, Rahne nibbling on the eraser of her pencil)
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Mike: So she left her rawhide chewie at home?
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Rahne (thinking): Och, Doug-- if only Douglock was more like ye.
(next panel, Rahne erasing stuff from her diary)
SKRITCH!
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Mike: Air brakes!
Crow (as pilot): Damn zeppelins! Quit hogging the sky!
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Rahne (thinking): What am I thinkin'? I dinnae mean that.
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Kitty: Oh, you did so.
Tom: Now we get to spend a few points of evil and read what this
God-fearing lass has jotted down in her diary.
Amanda: Or as much of it shows up on page, anyway.
Tom: Let's see here: "He may wear your face but... heart ain't
a... like yours... never would... kissed me... as he did... been
a ge... lease... hurt me proper..."
Mike: "Hurt me proper"?!
Tom: That's what it says.
Kitty: Now I'm going to have to check Rahney's closet for
domi gear when we get back to Muir.
******
(next panel, Rahne staring out of the window)
******
Mike: Oh, neat! A computer-generated reflection.
Kurt: Just one of the many touches used to try make up for
the lack of an enjoyable story.
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Rahne (thinking): Douglock's heart is just as sweet and kind as
nay other person ye know.
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Amanda: So next to Dougie we're all heartless scum. I see how it
is...
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Rahne cont.: Just admit it girl-- ye're CONFUSED.
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Kitty: SHE'S confused?! Storywise, we've got no idea where Kurt, Lockheed,
OR Amanda are, my IQ has suddenly dropped by 50 points,
Douglock's about to be reclaimed by Paramount, and there's a
shoddy clone of my boyfriend being tortured in an art museum! Not
to mention the fact that Moira's Legacy Virus has sent her
through a menopause relapse! And she's supposed to be confused?!
Live with it, Sinclair.
Mike: That is bad.
Tom: Even for an X-book.
Kitty: One well-placed lightening bolt to the Marvel Offices,
that's all I ask. If there is a fair and just God up there, this
will come to pass.
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Rahne cont.: Confused because a friend o'yours has feelings f'r
ye.
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Kurt: Is Rahne under the impression that the rest of us don't
care about her?
Crow: Maybe you need to spend more time bonding with your puppy.
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Rahne cont.: Feelings the likes o'which ye've nae genuinely felt
for anyone in a looong time.
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Tom (as Rahne): Those others I'm stringing along don't mean
anythin' tae me.
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Rahne cont.: 'Cuz when he kissed ye...
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Amanda: Exsqueeze us? You were the one who made lip-contact
first, wolfie. We have pictures.
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Rahne cont.: ...ye kissed him back. An' ye know what...?
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All: What?
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(silhouette of the plane)
Rahne (thinking): I think ye ENJOYED it.
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Crow: Yep, yep, yep. That one's going straight to hell.
Kurt: The nerve! She actually enjoyed a kiss!
Amanda: The hussy!
******
(next page, first panel, Colossus and Meggan standing at the foot
of an energy enwreathed throne)
Voice over box: Wundagore.
Shadowy figure on throne: There are two things in my possession
that Exodus covets.
******
Kitty (as Jimmy Swaggart): Thy shall NOT covet thy neighbor's
empire of Beanie Babies!
Tom: Amazing how they walked into the room and never even noticed
that throne before.
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(next panel, closer view of the figure on throne)
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Crow: Can't a guy get a little privacy?
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Figure: The first is this very tower... where the hidden
mysteries of science and sorcery are revealed as one!
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Crow: We'll just ignore the fact that Dr. Doom's done it already.
Amanda: Should I be jotting this down for later reference?
Kurt: Why not? We'll find out that magic cures the Legacy Virus
just in time to save Moira.
Amanda: Shhh! HE might be listening...
******
(next panel, the High Evolutionary stands, cradling a little
blonde girl on one arm. A hologram of Quicksilver hovers over one
hand)
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Mike: Look! It's Piotr's big brother!
Crow: That rivet-studded loincloth is just SO last month!
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High Evolutionary: And the second-- is this girl. Daughter of the
mutant speedster Quicksilver and his Inhuman wife, Crystal...
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Kitty: I mean, Crystal was nice and all while they were dating,
but once she had the vows under her belt, she just went insane!
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Evolutionary cont.: ...little Luna is also grandchild to the
self-proclaimed "Master of Magnetism"-- Exodus's...
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Kurt: I'm not even going to bother.
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Evolutionary cont.: ...former lord-- Magneto!
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All: Ooooooo!
Mike: Impressive.
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Evolutionary cont.: I have sworn to protect her while her
father mourns the tragic passing of her mother.
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Amanda: "Broken Families: The tragedy of Heroes Reborn", next on
Jenny Jones.
Kitty: Special guest-star-- Franklin Richards.
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Evolutionary cont.: And though Exodus be man, mutant, or even
god...
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Kurt: That's exaggerating just a bit, don't you think?
Crow: If he does think, it ain't often.
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Evolutionary cont.: ...I --- the HIGH EVOLUTIONARY-- shall never
forfeit her!
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Kurt (as the Evolutionary): For I am being paid $5.00 an hour to
baby-sit!
Tom: You'd think that with all of the useless explanation and
re-explanation in this thing, they could spare two lines to explain
why He-of-the-Metal-Long-Johns would be obligated to care for the
kid anyway.
Crow: Elsie just has knack for finding snow-encrusted mutants,
I'd guess.
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Colossus: You do not realize how ruthless a fanatic Exodus can
be.
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Amanda: I'm sure he does. Who doesn't have CNN nowadays?
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Colossus cont.: He will stop at nothing to claim both the tower
and the child as his own!
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Kitty: Do you think that the writer has forgotten that Exodus capturing
Luna has already been done, and much better, in another story arc?
All (sarcasm OD): NO! Really?
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Colossus cont.: You must let us stand WITH you!
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Mike: Until the bigger, better, deal comes along, anyway.
******
(next panel, the High Evolutionary standing over Colossus)
High Evolutionary: Your courage is as admirable now as it was the
last time we met, Colossus.*
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Kitty: Meaning that he's still a weenie rat-bastard.
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Evolutionary cont.: But I have all the resources I require to
prevent Exodus from usurping what is rightfully mine alone.
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Crow: A bottle of mace and rolled up newspaper.
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(*Editor's plug: During the evolutionary war in UXMAnnual 12.)
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Tom (as editor): But you can forget about that little bit of
history, because, like most continuity, it will be ignored or
retconned at the earliest possible opportunity.
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(next panel, Meggan getting between the Evolutionary and Colossus)
Meggan: So you're just going to toss us out of here-- without so
much as a "by your leave"-- because you're too proud to accept
anyone's help?
(next panel, silhouette of the High Evolutionary walking away)
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Tom: You know, if that loincloth moves two inches further to the
left, we'll get to see if he wears metallic under-roos or not.
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High Evolutionary: ...
*****
Kurt: Temporarily lost his voice at her cheek, I take it.
Crow: Well, that would depend on which cheeks she showed him.
Kurt: Why can he make elemental jokes and I can't? That's not
fair, Amanda.
Amanda: Take your pick: me on your lap or the ability to crack
jokes about Meggan without pain.
Kurt: ...
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Evolutionary cont.: Precisely.
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Kitty: Way to blow her off, High!
Kurt (to Amanda): Promise to wear the cape when we get home?
Amanda: Promise.
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(next page, first panel, the Evolutionary holding his glowing
hand in front of him)
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Kitty: Think that thing has built in vibrator too?
Amanda: (chokes and giggles)
Kurt: Wisdom dies when we return.
Kitty: Go ahead. You don't actually think I've been sleeping with
that pod, do you?
Amanda: How long has it been?
Kitty: Ten. Months.
Tom (muttering): Well, THAT would explain the irritability
factor.
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High Evolutionary: You see, despite his loyal following...
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Mike: Even though the Acolyte roster is never the same from one
appearance to the other, we'll assume that they're all away at
camp and will return presently.
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Evolutionary cont.: ...Exodus is a king without a castle... and
no good monarch can remain one for long without proving his might.
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Crow: Except for Forge.
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Evolutionary cont.: Thus I have become his target-- the ultimate
proof of his fitness to lead. But I shall defeat him. Alone.
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Amanda: And when Exodus fails, his loyal Acolytes will tear him
apart and consume their fallen leader, in the grand tradition of
all Avalon Lodge initiates.
Kurt: That made no sense.
Amanda: Sorry, lover. The comic's general asininity is getting to
me.
Crow, Tom, and Mike: We are the strong!
******
(next panel, Colossus and Meggan are bathed in pale green
electricity)
Colossus: Wait-- what are you doing?
******
Tom (as the High Evolutionary): I believe it's called 'cold
fusion.'
Kurt: A Colossus/Meggan amalgam?
All: EWWWWWWWW!
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Meggan: Stop! You can't do it alone!
(next panel, close up on the Evolutionary)
High Evolutionary: Alas, child--
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Kitty (as the High Evolutionary): ...you are doomed to marry
yonder rust-bucket. I will pray for your soul.
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Evolutionary cont.: I can. And so I will-- for I have faith.
******
Amanda: Yet another glaring indication that the title was thought up
first and then the story was slap-dash sloppily thrown together around it.
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Evolutionary cont.: Fare-thee-well on thy JOURNEY, mutants.
******
Tom: Someone hit the 'insert archaic language' key instead of
'insert random accent.'
Crow: Oh, those wacky writers!
******
Evolutionary cont.: For the path from which you were diverted--
(next page, first panel, Colossus and Meggan appearing in front
of the Eiffel Tower)
Evolutionary voice over: --is the one to which I now return you.
Colossus: Lenin's ghost! He DID it! WE'RE FINALLY IN PARIS!
******
Mike: Just where every good Soviet wants to go.
Kitty: It's a fake out. You're just in the nearest travel agent's
office.
******
Meggan: I wonder if we'll ever know what's going to happen at
Wundagore?
******
Kurt: Insert obligatory foreshadowing... NOW!
Crow: Just once, I'd like to hear someone on an X-Team say "I
don't know" instead of trying to sound like a Psychic Friend.
*****
(next panel, Colossus and Meggan standing on a Paris Street)
Colossus: Believe me, Meggan-- if Exodus is VICTORIOUS... we
WILL. *
(*Editor's plug: And so will you if you pick up Quicksilver 1 on
sale next month.)
******
All: WHAT?!
Kitty: Someone do a page count!
Amanda: 21... 22 pages, not counting ads and the letters column.
Kitty: Dare I ask how many or them are not plugs leading into the
New Mutants LS, the Colossus One-Shot, or the Quicksilver series.
Amanda: Um... six.
Tom: The joy of buying a book of plugs for other books of plugs.
Kitty: I wonder if Lockheed would really mind being skinned so
much. Maybe I could clone him...
******
Meggan: Well, that was some roller coaster ride!
(next and final panel, Colossus smacks his forehead)
SLAP!
******
Kitty: Harder, dammit! We want brain damage.
Kurt: How can you damage what's not there?
All: Oooo!
Amanda: Tall, blue, and neutral slams the Tin-Man! I'm so proud
of you.
Kitty: Almost makes up for that bone-head decision to let him on
the team...
Kurt: (sigh) You're going to make me suffer for that for the rest of my
natural life, aren't you?
Kitty: Depends. If I'm pissed enough, I'll convert on my deathbed just so
I can rub your nose in it for the rest of the afterlife, too.
******
Meggan: Ready for the ones at Dudley World?
******
Tom: Translation? "Please don't sue us, Mr. Eisner!"
Kitty: Great ending.
Mike: You can practically hear the canned laughter oozing off of
the page.
Amanda: If we can just make it through the end-credits, we'll be OK.
******
End banner: For more on our heroes' adventure in the city of love--
******
Crow: And snails. And mimes. And wine with breakfast.
******
End banner cont.: Check out the COLOSSUS ONE-SHOT!
******
Tom: Was that a threat?
******
And come back next month as Pete Wisdom's Past catches up to him with a
VENGEANCE!
******
(Pete Wisdom walks into the theater, clutching a blow torch which he
proceeds to apply to the screen)
Pete: Not bloody likey, ya damn Tories!!
Kitty: PETE! Wait... how do I know you're the real Pete Wisdom?
Pete (growling): Don't make me say it, Pryde.
Kitty: No, I want proof!
Pete: That over-sized snotrag's about to go up in flames!
Kitty: I'm not budging until I'm certain that you're the Pete Wisdom I
know and love.
Pete: Bloody hell! All right... (mutters)
Kitty: What?
Pete: I said, "Green boxers with soddin' yellow daisies on 'em!"
Kitty: All right, let's move!
(everyone bustles out of the theater while the screen burns into ash. The
sprinklers in the ceiling go on after a bit)
******
(backward door sequence)
Tom: Oh, great job, Wisdom!
Crow: Now we can't watch any...more... movies...
(silence as realization dawns on Mike and the 'bots. Short pause as they
break out the bubbly and party hats)
Pete (ignoring the hullabaloo): So, Pryde. Did y'miss me or what?
Kitty: Did I MISS...?! What kind of question is that?
Mike, Crow, & Tom (in the background): "Ding-dong the screen is dead!"
Pete: The kind of question you ask when you're stuck in a vault ten
bleedin' months.
(Kitty wraps her arms around Pete's neck and gives him the deepest kiss
in the history of the SOL. Not much competition there, but it's still a
pretty good smooch)
Kitty: That answer it, you silly git?
Pete: Dunno. I might need another one...
(Kurt starts towards the lovers as they reengage lip-lock. Amanda grabs
his arm and drags him off to join the conga line the SOL crew has
started)
Mike, Crow, & Tom: No more brain-dead mo-vies! No more brain-dead mo-
vies!
Gypsy (at the window): Hey, look! We're drifting back towards Earth!
Kurt: Really? We can go and bring back the rest of our team?
Gypsy: Looks that way.
Mike: This has got to be the best day of our lives! Nothing can ruin
this!
Tom: Mi-ike! You're breaking up the conga!
Mike: Sorry...
******
(outside in a suped-up space-van, still towing the SOL)
Pearl Forrester (on cellular phone): Hello? That you, Benny? Are you
missing a few comic-book characters? Really? Well, I have something that
might interest you...
*Finis*