Re: Re: Part Thirty Three of The Alternative Red Dwarf!/Website Information, etcetera.

[Marie Birch]

The moment, that he had fallen into a deep sleep, Lister dreamt, of all
the women, that he had ever been with, over the years. And, as Dave
Lister, has had his fair share of women trouble, over the years. And as
there have been so many women, that Lister, has had his wicked way, with
over the years, this will take, quite some time, for me, to get through
this little tale of mine, I can tell you!

Lister recalled the time, when he had informed Rimmer, how he had lost
his virginity, at the tender age of twelve (Why, I only had a
bicycle, for my twelfth Birthday! Or was that my eleventh Birthday?!
But that said, however, I definitely fell in love with Barry Evans of
the Doctor In The House/At Large Mind Your Language Series, when I had
been, only eleven years old! And he had been, twenty four years older,
than me! Marie Birch), with Michelle Fisher, on Bootle Municipal Golf
Course, Bootle, Liverpool, when they had been marooned, on the Ice
Planet, when Lister had been so cold and desperate, that he had had to
tell Rimmer, all of the Gory details! And, that was how bad the
situation, had been, where that had been concerned, I can tell you!

And so, the Story goes...

Lister had been so desperate, where the lack of warmth, and warm food,
had been concerned, that he had asked Rimmer, to tell him, how he had
lost, his virginity!

Rimmer had informed Lister, that as it had been, so long ago... And, as
he had been, so young and sexually precocious, that he was not sure,
that he could actually remember, how he had lost, his virginity! But
Lister had insisted, that everyone, could remember, how they had lost
their virginity! And that, it was one of those things... like everyone,
can remember, where they had been, when (Sir) Cliff Richard was shot! Or
when the first woman, had landed on Pluto. Or when they had installed,
the gigantic toupee, over the earth to cover the gap in the Ozone Layer!
It's just one of those things, you always remember!

But Rimmer, had insisted, on continuing, that Lister, could hardly
expect him, to recall, every single sexual liason, that he had ever
partaken of! And he had stated to Lister - "What do you think I am -
{Marvo} The Memory Man?!". But that said, however, Lister, had not been
prepared, to let him off, as easily, as all that, when all had been said
and done! And, he had quite strongly, urged Rimmer, to tell him, the truth!

And Rimmer, had insisted, to Lister, that there had not been very much
to tell, really, and that, he had always, been a bit of a fish out of
water, when it came down to women! And that, he had never known, what to
say to them, and that, he had not been, very highly sexed, to be honest,
with Lister. And Rimmer had put it down, to the fact, that it had
probably, been down, to all, of that school cabbage, that he had been
forced to eat as a boy, at Io House Public School! But that said,
however, he had informed Lister, that the first time, that he had ever
been, with a woman, sexually, had been, with this girl, that he had met,
at Cadet College, who had been called: Sandra... And that, they had done
it, in the back of his Brother's car! And Lister, had asked him, what it
had been like, and Rimmer, had informed him, that it had been brilliant!
And Incredible! And that, his first sexual experience, had been
committed, in a Bentley Convertible, which had been a V8 Turbo, complete
with Walnut Veneer Panelling! And more importantly, than that, it had
been a Marvellous machine!

And then Rimmer, had asked Lister, what his first sexual experience, had
been like...?!

Lister had informed Rimmer, all about his very first sexual experience,
which had been consummated, on the ninth hole of the Bootle Municipal
Golf Course. Par four, dogleg to the right, in the Bunker behind the
Green! And Rimmer, had been utterly astounded, to hear, that Lister had
lost his virginity, on a golf course?! And Rimmer, had asked him, how he
had had the nerve, to contemplate, doing such a disgusting act, on such
a place of esteemed respectability, and responsibility! And Lister, had
done, his level best, to assure Rimmer, that he hadn't committed, an
obscene sexual act, in the middle of the Ryder Cup, or anything! After
all, it had been Midnight, when all was said and done!

And Lister, had gone on, to inform Rimmer, that his first sexual
experience, had been, with the gorgeous, Michelle Fisher, who could
probably, have got a job, behind the Perfume Counter at Lewis's, if
she'd have wanted to. That's how good-looking, she had been! And Rimmer,
had asked Lister, just exactly how old, he had been, when he had lost
his Virginity. And Lister, had gone on, to inform Rimmer, that the
gorgeous: Michelle, had taken off all her clothes, and she had just
stood there, in front of him, completely naked! And Lister, had gone on,
to inform Rimmer, that he had been so excited, that he had nearly
dropped his skateboard! In the end, Lister had finally admitted, to
Rimmer, that he had lost his Virginity, at the tender age of twelve
(Why, I only had a bicycle, for my twelfth Birthday! Or was that my
eleventh Birthday?! But that said, however, I definitely fell in Love,
with Barry Evans of the Doctor In The House/At Large Mind Your Language
series, when I had been, only eleven years old! And he had been, twenty
four years older, than me! Marie Birch). And Rimmer's response to that,
had been - "Twelve??!! Well, you can't have been a full member of the
Golf Club, then!" And he had also asked Lister, if he had paid, any
green fees or anything?!" But Lister, had quite firmly insisted, to
Rimmer, that it had just been, a place to go! But that said, however,
Rimmer had kindly informed Lister, in no uncertain terms, that he had
used to play golf! And that, he had hated people, who had abused the
facilities! And Rimmer, had hoped, that Lister, had raked the sand back,
nicely, before he had left! And that, would be a hell of a lie to get
into, wouldn't it?! A Competition the next day, and your ball lands in
Lister's Buttock Crevice! You would need more than a niblick, to get
that one out! And Lister, had asked Rimmer - "Are you trying to say,
I've got a big bum?!". And Rimmer's response, to that, had been - "Big?!
It's like two badly-parked Volkswagens!". And Rimmer, had stressed, his
point, to Lister, that - "The only things, that I ever lost, when I was
twelve, were my shoes, with the compass in the heel, and the animal
tracks on the soles! Porky Roebuck threw them in the Septic Tank, behind
the Sports Ground. I cried for weeks -- I was wearing them! I never even
thought, about sex when I was twelve!". And Lister's Cherubic and
Seraphic response, to that, had been - "Maybe, that's because you used
to be, Alexander the Great's Chief Eunuch!".

And, the Second Love of Lister's life, had been: Alison Bredbury, who
Lister, had had, his wicked way with, after her Father, had been
admitted, into Hospital, with a heart attack. And, they had been left,
with the key, to the Drinks Cabinet, and her parents double bed! Say no
More!

And, the Third Love of Lister's life, had been: When he had met, Susan
Warrington, and Lister, had definitely, had had a good time, in bed,
with her, because that had been the time, when he had first worn, his
Lucky-scoring Blue Underpants! And Lister's, Lucky-scoring Blue
Underpants, had become, very worn out, for a very long time, indeed,
which is not, all that surprising really, where Dave Lister, is
concerned, when it actually comes down to it, at the end of the day! And
at that point, in time, they had become, a yellowy-grey pair, of
Lucky-scoring Underpants, with holes, in the cheeks, and the elastic,
had hung out of the waist band. And whenever, Lister had worn them, he
had held them, in his arms, as if they had been, the Turin Shroud! But
Susan had got him very drunk, that night, in question, and therefore, he
had been, quite an easy touch, where the mind blowing sex, with Susan
Warring, had been concerned, anyhow!

And, the Fourth Love, of Lister's life, had been: Cashier No: Four, whom
he had first met, when he had been seventeen, at the time, working in
the MegaMart, in Liverpool, part-time, as a Trolley Parker...

And, Lister, had informed the Cat, about the reason, just exactly, how
he had come, to acquire, his claustrophobia, in the first place, when
Kryten, had had to put them all, into a medi-game, which had created, a
false alternative reality scenario, where Rimmer, had insisted, on being
turned, into a Parallel Universe version, of Lister's former girlfriend,
Kristine Kochanski, courtesy of her Hologram disc (which he alone, only
had got, access to! But that is another story! Marie Birch), to keep up,
their morale, until Lister, had recovered, from the coma, he had been
in, at the time. Only, she had got, Rimmer's personality, all along! But
that is another story! Marie Birch

And the Boyz and Lady of the Dwarf, had had to crawl, all the way
through, the ducts of Starbug, to try and get to the back up generator,
so that, they could re-fire the engines, because the engines, had been
shutdown, and when the backup goes down, on Starbug, the doors always
lock, which are supposed, to prevent fire, and re-inforce Hull
Integrity. And the Cat, had asked Lister, just exactly, how he had come,
to acquire, his claustrophobia, in the first place. And the Cat, had
asked Lister, just exactly, how he had come, to acquire his
claustrophobia, in the first place, was whether, he been born, that way,
or was it, because he was a kind of a sissy?!

Lister had desperately tried, to fob the Cat off, and he had kindly
informed him, that he did not, always get claustrophobia. Just
sometimes! And that, was mainly, when he knew, that he could not escape,
due to being, in a confined space. And that, was maybe, because it was
something, to do, with his blood sugar. However, the Cat, had continued
to be persistent, in asking Lister, just exactly, how he had come to
acquire, his claustrophobia, in the first place. And Lister, soon knew,
that he had got, no choice, in the matter, and that, there was no way,
that he would, get out of informing, the Cat, just exactly, how he had
come, to acquire, his claustrophobia, in the first place, when all had
been said and done...!

And, Lister, had eventually informed, the Cat, just exactly, how he had
come, to acquire, his claustrophobia, in the first place, when all had
been said and done...!

In the end, Lister had carefully decided, to inform, the Cat, just
exactly, how he had come, to acquire, his claustrophobia, in the first
place, with a resigned sigh. And, he had gone on, to inform, the Cat,
that he had been seventeen, at the time, working in The MegaMart, in
Liverpool, part-time, as a Trolley Parker...

And Lister, had gone on, to inform the Cat, that after a couple of
months, he had gone and fallen in love with Cashier Number Four... She
had been twenty two years old, and that, she had had...
Come-to-behind-the-Bacon-Counter eyes...! And Lister, had also gone on,
to inform, the Cat, that there had just, been something, about the way,
that she had held her pricing gun, that had made, him crash his
trolleys! And Lister, had also gone on, to inform the Cat, that they had
started, seeing each other, in the Stock Room, at break time. Just how
romantic,
can you get?! (And my instincts tell me, that they hadn't been meeting,
in the Stock Room, to do a Stock Take! Marie Birch) And the Cat's
response to that, had been - "She gave you claustrophobia??!! I didn't
think you could get it like that...!". And Lister, had strongly
insisted, to the Cat, that had definitely not, been the reason, why he
was, and still is, vulnerable, to claustrophobia, when it actually came
down to it, at the end of the day! No, the reason, just exactly, how he
had come, to acquire, his claustrophobia, in the first place, had been,
that she had been married to this bald bloke, who had used to serve the
Dish, at the MegaMart, in Liverpool, at the time, and he had been ten
years older than Lister....! Say no More!

And Lister, had gone on, to inform the Cat, just exactly, how he had
come, to acquire, his claustrophobia, in the first place, had been, due
to the fact, that it had it looked like, Cashier No Four's, bald headed
git of a husband, had been because, he had been, far more interested, in
this Amateur Dramatics group, he had used to run, than her (Well say no
more, as I did Amateur Dramatics, and I joined, four Amateur Dramatics
Groups, before I went on, to do a part-time Drama course, at The
Birmingham School of Speech and Drama, in Edgbaston, near Birmingham,
for the best part of eleven weeks, and a part-time Drama course, in
Wolverhampton, for the best part of twelve years, I really can believe
it!)! And Lister, had carried on, where his illicit Tale of Love, with
Cashier No Four, at The MegaMart, in Liverpool, had been concerned, and
he had informed the Cat - " One evening, we were both on the late shift;
we snuck into the stock room; started making love, on a box of tinned
asparagus! After a couple of minutes, about half way through, I was
seventeen, she leapt up and said: "There's someone at the door! So I
jumped into this wooden packing crate; it was him! He asked what the
*Hell* she was doing lying on a box of reduced, tinned, dented veg with
no kit on! She said, she was trying to get an all-over tan from the
lightbulb! He was having none of that! He sealed me up in the box, and
said he was gonna drop me in the canal! He drove me out there! I was
*screaming'* at him, *pleading'*: "let me out!" I promised him anything,
said I'd never see her again - "Just let me out!" In the end, he
relented, and I heard the box being opened. I stepped out, bollock
naked, right in the middle of the Bootle-Players Amateur Production of
"The Importance Of Being Earnest...!". And the
Cat's response, to that, had been - "Boy, that's enough to freak anyone
out!".

And now, that a completely knackered up Lister has met up, with a very
disorientated Kryten, and an utterly shattered Cat, are now fully aware,
of exactly just what, is their position, with Holly, in the Science
Room, with regard, to their present situation, on the Dwarf, where their
route, back to Earth, is concerned, will they have the misfortune, to
encounter the evil Gelf's, of unknown origins, that had been, in
residence, on the Dwarf, about two hundred years previously, before
they can even reach the ice Blue Moon (which will take them, the best
part of a week, to reach!), that they have got to orbit, for the best
part of a week, before they can even set off, for their brand new
destination: The Andromeda Galaxy, is concerned? They could not be, that
unlucky, could they?! Surely not?!

And, now that we are also fully aware, of what has happened, where
Rimmer's whereabouts, are concerned.Will Holly be able to resolve, the
problem, that is affecting his light bee, where restoring him, is
concerned, over the next forty eight hours, if she wants to restore him,
that is?!

And will Lister be able, to give poor Kryten, the re-charging time of
ten hours, via his maxi-recharging unit, in his Sleeping quarters, that
is absolutely essential, to enable him, to perform his duties,
adequately and sufficiently enough, on the Dwarf, one hundred percent,
before the Cat gets his hands, on him, to clean his Sleeping quarters
out, before he can get around, to getting the Skutters, to do all, of
the repairs, that are absolutely necessary, to the roof, of the
corridor, and clean up, the corridor, by Lister and Rimmer's Sleeping
quarters, as well as sprucing up, Lister and Rimmer's Sleeping quarters?!

And now, that we have discovered, that our perky pal, Talkie Toaster,
has finally stopped functioning, after keeping Holly company, for the
best part of four hundred and four years, will Kryten, ever be able to
repair him, after he is up and running, again?! Or do we really want,
Talkie Toaster, up and running again, especially if he is going, to make
constant demands, of the Boyz of the Dwarf, to eat, a lot of bread
related products, in the near future?!

And now that Lister, has finally managed, to get a good nights sleep,
just exactly what is the significance, and relevance of the dreams, that
he is having, about all of the women, that he had ever been with, over
the years?!

And is there a possibility, that Lister, will not come to blows, with
the Cat, before they set off, for Earth, once again?!

And exactly, just what, is the significance of the long silver space
ship, especially, where the radio signal, and those two large silver
coffins, are concerned?!

Find out all this and more, in the next exciting instalment of:

The Alternative Red Dwarf!

My new version of the Alternative Red Dwarf, which is actually set, on
the Dwarf, is now available, for viewing, or downloading, at:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/mainaltreddwarf.htm

If you would like to go directly on to my Unoffical Xanadu Red Dwarf
Website, the web reference is:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/xanadureddwarf.htm

Now available on my Unofficial Xanadu Red Dwarf Website.

A review of Red Dwarf VIII filmed live at Shepperton Studios of the 4th
of December 1998!

Some new Red Dwarf links on The Unofficial Xanadu Red Dwarf Links
Website, which includes links to:

Red Dwarf: The Official Website.
The Official Red Dwarf Fan Club Website (UK, Eire and Europe).
The Official Red Dwarf Fan Club Website (U.S.A, Australia and
New Zealand).
The Craig Charles Funk and Soul MySpace Website.
The Unofficial Craig Charles Website.
The Unofficial Captain Butler Website.
The Danny John-Jules MySpace Website
The BBC CBBC MI High Website
The BBC CBeebies Story Makers Website
The Hideout (A Maid Marian and Her Merry Men Website)
Kryten's Homepage.
The Unofficial Chloe Annett and The Unofficial Clare Grogan Websites.
The Unofficial Emile Charles Website.
The Inquisitor Red Dwarf Group and The Inquisitor Red Dwarf Website.
The Josie Pargery Red Dwarf - Discussion and Fan Fiction Message Board.

And on The Unofficial Xanadu Red Dwarf Website, itself, are:

Future Red Dwarf Projects.
The Xanadu Red Dwarf Favourite Episode Guide
has recently, been updated!
The Xanadu Red Dwarf Fact File Website.
A review of the film: Xanadu, and the lyrics for the
theme song: Xanadu by Olivia Newton-John!
A review of the Red Dwarf VII Extended episodes:
Tikka To Ride/Ouroboros/Duct Soup/Possible
unedited material for Red Dwarf VII, plus a review
of Can't Smeg, Won't Smeg/The Tenth Anniversary
Smeg Ups/Universe Challenge and The Children In
Need sketch.
The Explanation For The Time Drive in Transporting
The Red Dwarf Posse Back To Earth in Tikka To Ride:
(Episode I, Red Dwarf VII), as well as, The Heady
Medieval Atmosphere of 15th Century Space!
A review of the Red Dwarf VIII episodes: Back
In The Red I to III!

Recently added to: The Unofficial Xanadu Red Dwarf Website: A Review of
Red Dwarf VII by Marie Birch and Kevin Blake, and An Additional Review
of Red Dwarf VII by Marie Birch!

For those of you, who are interested, in my Unofficial Craig Charles
Website, the web reference is:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/craigcharles.htm

Recently added to: The Unofficial Craig Charles Website: A link has been
set up for Suzanne Rhatigan's (Kochanski Camille) Website.
A Craig Charles Career Profile.
A Craig Charles Interview: Back From Hell.

For those of you, who are interested, in my Unofficial
Captain Butler Website, the web reference is:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/captainbutler.htm

Recently added to: The Unofficial Captain Butler Website:

A link has been set up, for the Captain Pugwash
Website/The Captain Butler Maritime and
Non-Maritime Incidents Website, informs you, all about,
The Mary Celeste Mystery and just exactly, how old,
Admiral Horatio Nelson, was, when he lost his arm!
The Captain Butler Good and Evil Pirates Website,
informs you, about, all, that you need to know, about,
Blackbeard, and the renowned legitimate Pirate:
Sir Francis Drake!
And my Captain Butler Fan Fiction: On The Goodship
Lady Captain has recently been updated!

For those of you, who are interested, in finding out more,
about the late actor: Barry Evans, who starred, in the
Doctor series, and Mind Your Language, and not to mention,
the films: Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush, Die
Screaming Marianne, The Adventures of a Taxi Driver,
and Under The Doctor. And Barry also appeared, alongside,
the late actor and comedian: Dick Emery, in the 1981 BBC
Comedy series: Emery: A Legacy of Murder. Then please go
to:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/barryevans.htm

For those of you who are interested in the Doctor series,
the web reference is:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/doctorseries.htm

I am also in the process of working on a review of the very
first episode of the Doctor series: Why Do You Want To
Be A Doctor?

For those of you who are interested in Mind Your Language,
the web reference is:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/mindyourlanguage.htm

I am also in the process of working on a review of the very
first episode of Mind Your Language: The First Lesson.

With regard to these reviews, they are incomplete, due to time
constraints, but they are available, for viewing or downloading,
via the appropriate websites, above, and they will always be,
permanently available, for this purpose! And when, they are
complete, it will be my intention, to notify, the various newsgroups,
to whom, they have been posted to! But in the meantime however,
my sincere apologies, for any delays, caused, anyway, and my thanks,
go to all, on alt.comedy.british, who are interested, in my Barry Evans/
/Doctor series and Mind Your Language Website's, anyway! And, it is
always nice to know, that there is more, than enough interest, to make
it, more, than worth my while, to keep, those websites going, thank you!

However, I am intending, to do brief plot summaries, of all, of the
Doctor series episodes and Mind Your Language episodes, when, I next
work, on my Barry Evans/Doctor series and Mind Your Language Websites,
as the reviews, that I am doing, of each episode, are very in-depth,
indeed, and they may, take up, a lot of web space, in the meantime! And
it is probably, for the best, if I set up, Episode Summary websites, in
the meantime, which will be, considerably shorter anyway, and for all
fans, of the Doctor series, and Mind Your Language series, then at the
very least, I have always, got something, that, will give them,
something, to keep them going, for quite, a long time!

I will also, put up, a short independent notice, for this purpose, as
soon, as it is possible, for me, to do so, anyway, especially, as I do
get, a lot of enquiries, via email, in general, via the Doctor series
and Mind Your Language series, from all over, the world!

More recently, on my Lynne Guy's General Information and Classic British
Comedy Website, you may be interested, to know, that, there are also
links set up, for The Unofficial Men From The Ministry Website, and an
Unoffical Maid Marian and Her Merry Men Website.

Recently added to: The Unoffical Maid Marian and Her Merry Men Website

A Photograph of Maid Marian and Her Merry Men
The Maid Marian and Her Merry Men: Episode List
The Maid Marian and Her Merry Men: Plot Summaries of The Scripts Website
Recent Maid Marian and Her Merry Men: Updates.

Links set up for: Other Maid Marian and Her Merry Men Websites.

Maid Marian and Her Merry Men - Robin's Pages
The Hideout
Maid Marian and Her Merry Men

And for those of you who are interested in my Maid Marian and Her Merry
Men Website, then please go to:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/maidmarianandhermerrymen

And for those of you who are interested in Lynne Guy's General
Information and Classic British Comedy Website, then please go to:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/index.htm

On my Lynne Guy's General Information and Classic British Comedy
Website, you will find links set up for:

Our Astronomy Website.
The College Of Adult Education in Wolverhampton Website.
The I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again Website.
The Cats Protection League Headquarters Website.
Wildlife Park Kirkcudbright Website.
Kevin Blake's: Puzlebox Hobbies and Puzzlebox Business Websites.
The Official Website Of The British Monarchy.

Recently added, to my Lynne Guy's General Information and Classic
British Comedy Website, you can find a web page, which informs you all
about me: Marie Birch!

Recently added, to my Lynne Guy's General Information and Classic
British Comedy Website.

A message of sympathy for the families of the victims and the
Firefighters, who lost their lives, via the attacks, on The World Trade
Centre and The Pentagon, in the United States of America.

That's All For Now, Folks!



Marie Birch

[Marie Birch]

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/maidmarianandhermerrymen.htm