"Not all there" terms, Unfinished list of
Ch...@bigcheese.com
Here's the best list I've seen.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
A couple sandwiches short of a picnic.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
The porch light's on, but nobody's home.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Hmmm... Californian.
Andrew Wyer
Tim Cook wrote:
>
> Colin wrote:
> >
> > A couple from my parents era
> >
> > a few grapes short of a bunch
> > not a full shilling
> >
> {redaction}
> > >
> > >> >>my favorite was always "about as sharp as a beach ball"
> > >
> {more redaction}
>
> my favorite was always "fucked up as a football bat"
>
> Tim
There's always the classic from Foghorn Leghorn,
<Broad suthern accent>
Reminds me of Paul Revere's ride, a little light in the belfrey
Or...
If brains was dynamite he couldn't blow his nose...
Andrew.
exits left chuckling like a mudcrab.
Keith (Paramedic wannabe)
On 10 Jun 1997 gate@welchgate wrote:
> >>> >> - the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top-
> >>> >> - a few clowns short of a circus-
> >>> >> - a sandwich short of a picnic-
> >>> >> - a cup and a saucer short of a full set-
> >>> >> - about a half a bubble off-
> >>> >> - lights are on; nobody home-
> >>> >> - ain't playin' with a full deck-
> >>> >-a couple french fries short of a happy meal
> >>> Doesn't have both oars in the water, and if really clueless, not sure
> >>> if they even have both oars.
> >>my favorite was always "about as sharp as a beach ball"
> >A couple of raisins short of two scoops?
> A few crayons short of a full box...
A few peas short of a caserole.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few tacos short of a combination plate.
A few sticks short of a bundle.
24 cents short of a quarter. (if they're really stupid)
-K
Slsobn
How bout
Three pancakes short of a Denny's Platter.
Shaun
Colin
A couple from my parents era
a few grapes short of a bunch
not a full shilling
In article <Pine.SGI.3.95.970612...@umbc10.umbc.edu>,
"Keith (Paramedic wannabe)" <khi...@gl.umbc.edu> writes
--
Colin
Sashaw
how about
A couple of Bib Fortuna's short of a perfectly...balanced stack of....Star
Wars Trading Cards...
I really think Star Wars jokes are still funny.
Samuel Shaw
an Alternative Comedian
LUICoTB
A preposition short of a phrase?
Trish Berrong
Lighten Up Improv Co.
& Kansas City Theatresports
Coming Sept. 10-14 ...
SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION 4:
The US Improvisation Festival
816/474-4386
www.LightenUpImprov.com COMING JUNE 30
Tim Cook
Colin wrote:
>
> A couple from my parents era
>
> a few grapes short of a bunch
> not a full shilling
>
> >
> >> >>my favorite was always "about as sharp as a beach ball"
> >
Alexandra C Molnar-Suhajda
Keith (Paramedic wannabe) (khi...@gl.umbc.edu) wrote:
: On 10 Jun 1997 gate@welchgate wrote:
: > >>> >> - the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top-
: > >>> >> - a few clowns short of a circus-
: > >>> >> - a sandwich short of a picnic-
: > >>> >> - a cup and a saucer short of a full set-
: > >>> >> - about a half a bubble off-
: > >>> >> - lights are on; nobody home-
: > >>> >> - ain't playin' with a full deck-
I always liked "The wheel's turning, but the hamster's dead". Of course,
you can insert your favorite rodent... you know... to personalize...
Alix
: > >>> >-a couple french fries short of a happy meal
: > >>> Doesn't have both oars in the water, and if really clueless, not sure
: > >>> if they even have both oars.
: > >>my favorite was always "about as sharp as a beach ball"
: > >A couple of raisins short of two scoops?
Martin Stoermer
Couldn't find his bum with both hands...
--
E-Mail: In order to slow down the spambots I seem to be attracting I have included the extra characters nospam## in my email address. I apologise for the inconvenience but if you want to email me, drop the nospam## bit
nospam##martin....@vcp.monash.edu.au
Chris Allen
In article <nospam##martin.stoermer-...@mac-216-067-c1xx.vc
p.monash.edu.au>, Martin Stoermer <nospam##martin....@vcp.monash.ed
u.au> writes
>Couldn't find his bum with both hands...
>
--
Chris Allen
Stephen Gladstone
> >
> > A couple from my parents era
> >
> > a few grapes short of a bunch
> > not a full shilling
> >
>
>
not the sharpest knife in the drawer
Ned Carlson
Stephen Gladstone <sgla...@acpub.duke.edu> wrote:
That boy's about as sharp as a boweing ball! -Foghorn Leghorn
Lee Jaap
I really am unable to find any limericks in this thread.
Followups elsewhere.
--
J Lee Jaap <Jaa...@ASMSun.LaRC.NASA.Gov> +1 757/865-7093
employed by, not necessarily speaking for,
AS&M Inc, Hampton VA 23666-1340
annie shank
A few bricks shy of a hod.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
He's walking with one foot on the curb.
A brain like a BB in a boxcar.
He talks only to hear his head rattle.
and
As sharp as a sack of wet mice.
The brains of a day-old monkey.
Not smart enough to pour piss out of a boot.
Not smart enough to hit the floor with his hat.
Couldn't find his way out of a paper bag with both hands, a flashlight,
and a map.
Holds a master class in the vacant stare.
Annie
Serena1964
It's not EXACTLY the same thing, but I always liked-
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Neither are these, but I've used 'em for years:
Not the brightest bulb on the tree. (seasonal)
Dumber than a bag of hammers.
Dumber than a box of rocks.
Lisa Lewis
Chicago and At Large
act...@greenheart.com
Okay, since you won't remove alt.comedy.standup
from the follow-ups:
... not playing with a full bladder.
... the runway's clear but the pancakes are hot.
... the kitchen's clean, but the bathroom's a mess.
... not exactly "opening off-Broadway."
... wouldn't know a baby if it bit him.
... the lights are on, but nobody's perfect.
... missing a few Lincoln Logs.
... bright as an orange.
... a few beavers short of a bonfire.
Now knock it off. Thank you.
-------------------==== Posted via Deja News ====-----------------------
http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Post to Usenet
Kadaitchaman
An old one
There was a young lady from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue
Said she with a grin if they pay to get in
Then they'll pay to get out of it too
John Ross
You can't leave out . . .
"He's got a few 'roos loose in the top paddock"
Michael and Alison Comparti
kangaroos loose in the top paddock
a chop short of a barbie
kangaroo Edward (roo-ted)
James Kass
not all his bubble wrap is unpopped
like challenging Dole to a Clapping Contest
the fax is on but he's out of paper
--
***********************************************************
James Kass
ka...@idt.net http://idt.net/~kassj
***********************************************************
"Here I am, feeling like a f*cking fool"--Billy Joel
"That's my opinion... I could be wrong"--Dennis Miller
***********************************************************
Janet Solursh (jbray@uga.cc.uga.edu)
annie shank
and another
There was a young thing from Whitehall
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
Stood too close to a fire and burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.
Annie
Ripper
> >>
> >not the brightest bulb on the chandelier
> >not the sharpest knife in the drawer
> That boy's about as sharp as a boweing ball! -Foghorn Leghorn
How about: "Damn, looks like a monkey fuckin' a football!"
Rip
--
Did you know that pressing on my third nipple opens a portal to the
magical land of Narnia?
Vic Watson
>In article <nospam##martin.stoermer-...@mac-216-067-c1xx.vc
>p.monash.edu.au>, Martin Stoermer <nospam##martin....@vcp.monash.ed
>u.au> writes
>>Couldn't find his bum with both hands...
I heard a variation of this one :
"couldn't find his arse with an atlas"
Vic.
Spam
Kadaitchaman wrote:
>
> Lee Jaap wrote:
> >
> > I really am unable to find any limericks in this thread.
> >
> > Followups elsewhere.
> > --
> > J Lee Jaap <Jaa...@ASMSun.LaRC.NASA.Gov> +1 757/865-7093
> > employed by, not necessarily speaking for,
> > AS&M Inc, Hampton VA 23666-1340
>
> An old one
>
> There was a young lady from Kew
> Who filled her vagina with glue
> Said she with a grin if they pay to get in
> Then they'll pay to get out of it too
Ouch!
--
*-----------------------------------------*
* SAVE THE NET -- NUKE A SPAMMER TODAY! *
*-----------------------------------------*
Randy Bellows
>On 10 Jun 1997 gate@welchgate wrote:
>
>> >>> >> - the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top-
>> >>> >> - a few clowns short of a circus-
>
And my variation on this theme is, ...couldn't find his butt with both
hands, bright lights, and radar.
dingdong
In article <Pine.SGI.3.95.970612...@umbc10.umbc.edu>, "Keith (Paramedic wannabe)" <khi...@gl.umbc.edu> says:
>
>On 10 Jun 1997 gate@welchgate wrote:
>
>> >>> >> - the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top-
>> >>> >> - a few clowns short of a circus-
>> >>> >> - a cup and a saucer short of a full set-
>> >>> >> - about a half a bubble off-
>> >>> >> - lights are on; nobody home-
>> >>> >> - ain't playin' with a full deck-
>
>
>> >>> Doesn't have both oars in the water, and if really clueless, not sure
>> >>> if they even have both oars.
>
>> >>my favorite was always "about as sharp as a beach ball"
>
>> >A couple of raisins short of two scoops?
>
>> A few crayons short of a full box...
> A few peas short of a caserole.
> A few beers short of a six-pack.
> A few tacos short of a combination plate.
> A few sticks short of a bundle.
> 24 cents short of a quarter. (if they're really stupid)
>
>-K
Herbie
If his brains were high explosive, there wouldn't be enough to blow his nose.
A cake short of a pasty shop.
A sausage short of a barbie.
Herbie
"They put a hotwire to my head 'cause of the things I did and said and made these feelings go away, model citizen in every way." - J Lydon
pyotr filipivich
act...@greenheart.com writes:
>Okay, since you won't remove alt.comedy.standup
>from the follow-ups:
> ... not playing with a full bladder.
> ... the runway's clear but the pancakes are hot.
> ... the kitchen's clean, but the bathroom's a mess.
> ... not exactly "opening off-Broadway."
> ... wouldn't know a baby if it bit him.
> ... the lights are on, but nobody's perfect.
> ... missing a few Lincoln Logs.
> ... bright as an orange.
> ... a few beavers short of a bonfire.
A few bricks short of a Happy Meal.
Both oars in the water. Not in the boat, just in the water ...
Both oars in the water, but on the same side.
One oar in the water - the others in the fire.
>Now knock it off. Thank you.
You're welcome.
As mother in laws for the holidays.
--
pyotr filipivich, sometimes owl, Nikolai Petrovich in the SCA.
"Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes."
(If you can read this, you're overeducated.)
Randy Bellows
>On 10 Jun 1997 gate@welchgate wrote:
>
>> >>> >> - the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top-
>> >>> >> - a few clowns short of a circus-
>> >>> >> - a sandwich short of a picnic-
>
My favorite variation on these is: Couldn't find his butt with both
hands, bright lights and radar.
Philip Morgan
On a slightly different tack -
As much use as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest
Philip
Cardiff
UK
Jim Horslett
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink!
Mark A. Stevens, M.D.
Stephen Gladstone <sgla...@acpub.duke.edu> wrote:
>not the brightest bulb on the chandelier
>not the sharpest knife in the drawer
Dumb as a bag of wet rocks.
Mark A. Stevens, M.D.
mste...@shrinkatron.mv.com v: (603) 924-0086
454 Old Street Road Ste. 305 Peterborough, NH 03458-1200
ghost
Randy Bellows wrote:
>
> On Thu, 12 Jun 1997 06:56:18 -0400, "Keith (Paramedic wannabe)"
> <khi...@gl.umbc.edu> wrote:
>
> >On 10 Jun 1997 gate@welchgate wrote:
> >
> >> >>> >> - the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top-
> >> >>> >> - a few clowns short of a circus-
> >
>
> hands, bright lights, and radar.
the australian ver a roo short in the top padock
Darren Stubbersfield
What about
Has the IQ of a stunned mullet
laxadave
Here's a great one:
"...about one (__insert unit name here__) short of a (__insert quantity
or group here__) ..."
nyuk nyuk nyuk.
--dave "Dave Bushnell" bushnell
mm
Kadaitchaman <tura...@rainbow.net.au> wrote:
>Lee Jaap wrote:
>>
>> I really am unable to find any limericks in this thread.
>>
>> Followups elsewhere.
>> --
>> J Lee Jaap <Jaa...@ASMSun.LaRC.NASA.Gov> +1 757/865-7093
>> employed by, not necessarily speaking for,
>> AS&M Inc, Hampton VA 23666-1340
>
>An old one
>
>There was a young lady from Kew
>Who filled her vagina with glue
>Said she with a grin if they pay to get in
>Then they'll pay to get out of it too
There once was a man from Rangoon
That was born nine months too soon
He didn't have the luck of being born from a fuck
He was wiped off the sheets with a spoon.
mm
Colin <par...@clarnc.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>A couple from my parents era
>
>a few grapes short of a bunch
>not a full shilling
>
>In article <Pine.SGI.3.95.970612...@umbc10.umbc.edu>,
>"Keith (Paramedic wannabe)" <khi...@gl.umbc.edu> writes
>>On 10 Jun 1997 gate@welchgate wrote:
>>
>>> >>> >> - the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top-
>>> >>> >> - a few clowns short of a circus-
>>> >>> >> - a sandwich short of a picnic-
>>> >>> >> - a cup and a saucer short of a full set-
>>> >>> >> - about a half a bubble off-
>>> >>> >> - lights are on; nobody home-
>>> >>> >> - ain't playin' with a full deck-
>>
>>> >>> >-a couple french fries short of a happy meal
>>
>>> >>> Doesn't have both oars in the water, and if really clueless, not sure
>>> >>> if they even have both oars.
>>
>>> >>my favorite was always "about as sharp as a beach ball"
>>
>>> >A couple of raisins short of two scoops?
>>
>>> A few crayons short of a full box...
>> A few peas short of a caserole.
>> A few beers short of a six-pack.
>> A few tacos short of a combination plate.
>> A few sticks short of a bundle.
>> 24 cents short of a quarter. (if they're really stupid)
>>
>>-K
>>
>
>--
>Colin
not all his dogs are barking
MADDOG
On 21 Jun 1997 10:13:47 GMT, ding...@pavilion.co.uk (dingdong) wrote:
>In article <Pine.SGI.3.95.970612...@umbc10.umbc.edu>, "Keith (Paramedic wannabe)" <khi...@gl.umbc.edu> says:
>>
>>On 10 Jun 1997 gate@welchgate wrote:
>>
>>> >>> >> - the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top-
>>> >>> >> - a few clowns short of a circus-
>>> >>> >> - a sandwich short of a picnic-
>>> >>> >> - a cup and a saucer short of a full set-
>>> >>> >> - about a half a bubble off-
>>> >>> >> - lights are on; nobody home-
>>> >>> >> - ain't playin' with a full deck-
>>
>>> >>> >-a couple french fries short of a happy meal
>>
>>> >>> Doesn't have both oars in the water, and if really clueless, not sure
>>> >>> if they even have both oars.
>>
>>> >>my favorite was always "about as sharp as a beach ball"
>>
>>> >A couple of raisins short of two scoops?
>>
>>> A few crayons short of a full box...
>> A few peas short of a caserole.
>> A few beers short of a six-pack.
>> A few tacos short of a combination plate.
>> A few sticks short of a bundle.
>> 24 cents short of a quarter. (if they're really stupid)
All his/her dogs aren't barking.
Rick.
______________ Yup! This'd be a SIGNATURE ______________
The opinions expressed herein are simply that: OPINIONS!
After all, WHAT do I know?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"We cannot direct the wind, but we CAN adjust our sails"
--------------------------------------------------------
Me: I'm 36, male, single, Canadian and straight.
SEND E-MAIL TO: rmad...@bigfoot.com
_____________________ GO FOR IT! _______________________
Slyder
: >An old one
: >
: >There was a young lady from Kew
: >Who filled her vagina with glue
: >Said she with a grin if they pay to get in
: >Then they'll pay to get out of it too
: There once was a man from Rangoon
: That was born nine months too soon
: He didn't have the luck of being born from a fuck
: He was wiped off the sheets with a spoon.
Ok, if we're going there...
There once was a girl named Alice
who used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina in North Carolina
and one of her tits was in Dallas.
--
Sly...@full-moon.com | "Live to win, dare to fail."
Georgia Institute of Technology | -James Hetfield
Juve soccer / Earendel Design | /\/\etallic/-\
Elvis Presley
In article <5oofq9$l...@solaria.cc.gatech.edu>, Slyder
<sly...@cc.gatech.edu> writes
>: >An old one
>: >
>: >There was a young lady from Kew
>: >Who filled her vagina with glue
>: >Said she with a grin if they pay to get in
>: >Then they'll pay to get out of it too
>
>: There once was a man from Rangoon
>: That was born nine months too soon
>: He didn't have the luck of being born from a fuck
>: He was wiped off the sheets with a spoon.
>
>Ok, if we're going there...
>
>There once was a girl named Alice
>who used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
>They found her vagina in North Carolina
>and one of her tits was in Dallas.
>
The version of that one I heard went like this and scans better IMO:
Nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And her arse hole in Buckingham Palace."
How about this one:
A sickly young fellow named Bland
Considered that wanking was grand
But he viewed with distaste, the gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.
--
The King <el...@presley.demon.co.uk>
Moped Racer Online Magazine.
Moped Mayhem Results Service, and comprehensive moped racing news
and info pages.
<http://www.presley.demon.co.uk>Last update:24.06.97
Tom James
In article <33af2894....@news1.vir.com>, mm <a...@vir.com> writes
>Kadaitchaman <tura...@rainbow.net.au> wrote:
>
>>Lee Jaap wrote:
>>>
>>> I really am unable to find any limericks in this thread.
>>>
>>> Followups elsewhere.
>>> --
>>> J Lee Jaap <Jaa...@ASMSun.LaRC.NASA.Gov> +1 757/865-7093
>>> employed by, not necessarily speaking for,
>>> AS&M Inc, Hampton VA 23666-1340
>>
>>
>>There was a young lady from Kew
>>Who filled her vagina with glue
>>Said she with a grin if they pay to get in
>>Then they'll pay to get out of it too
>
>There once was a man from Rangoon
>That was born nine months too soon
>He didn't have the luck of being born from a fuck
>He was wiped off the sheets with a spoon.
Very well then:
There was a young vampire called mable
Who's periods were extremely stable
One night with a straw
She sat on the floor
And drank herself under the table.
Boom boom...
Also:
There was a young queer from the towers
Who lay nude in the field for hours
The wind through the grass
Blew seeds up his arse
But only his friends saw the flowers
And:
There was a young man from Bengal
Who had a mathematical ball
The root of its weight
Was one sixteenth times eight
Of one third of a half of fuck-all.
The young man in a punt has been shelved for reasons of good taste.
--
Tom James
Amanda Cohen
I've always like...
Not the sharpest pencil in the box.
One light short of a Christmas tree.
About as bright as a small appliance bulb.
and for you old-time geeks...
Running at 300 baud.
then there's the one my recording engineer used....
Booooooooooooooooooop... (sound effect to indicate test tone)
and the good old "Airhead" sign: press your finger to your nose and go
"ssst!" like a canister of compressed air.
mm wrote:
>
> Colin <par...@clarnc.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>
> >A couple from my parents era
> >
> >a few grapes short of a bunch
> >not a full shilling
> >
> >In article <Pine.SGI.3.95.970612...@umbc10.umbc.edu>,
> >"Keith (Paramedic wannabe)" <khi...@gl.umbc.edu> writes
> >>On 10 Jun 1997 gate@welchgate wrote:
> >>
> >>> >>> >> - the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top-
> >>> >>> >> - a few clowns short of a circus-
> >>> >>> >> - a sandwich short of a picnic-
> >>> >>> >> - a cup and a saucer short of a full set-
> >>> >>> >> - about a half a bubble off-
> >>> >>> >> - lights are on; nobody home-
> >>> >>> >> - ain't playin' with a full deck-
> >>
> >>> >>> >-a couple french fries short of a happy meal
> >>
> >>> >>> Doesn't have both oars in the water, and if really clueless, not sure
> >>> >>> if they even have both oars.
> >>
> >>> >>my favorite was always "about as sharp as a beach ball"
> >>
> >>> >A couple of raisins short of two scoops?
> >>
> >>> A few crayons short of a full box...
> >> A few peas short of a caserole.
> >> A few beers short of a six-pack.
> >> A few tacos short of a combination plate.
> >> A few sticks short of a bundle.
> >> 24 cents short of a quarter. (if they're really stupid)
> >>
Michael O'Leary
From an official evaluation form:
Needs improvement in gluteal/excavational differentiation.
Bags
nNot smart enough to pour piss out of a boot.
> Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window.
　　　
A couple of sheep short of an orgy....
　
　
　
Mike Hoyle
In article <aiPlZMBm...@presley.demon.co.uk>, Elvis Presley
<el...@presley.demon.co.uk> writes>>: >An old one
>>: >
>>: >There was a young lady from Kew
>>: >Who filled her vagina with glue
>>: >Said she with a grin if they pay to get in
>>: >Then they'll pay to get out of it too
>>
>>: There once was a man from Rangoon
>>: That was born nine months too soon
>>: He didn't have the luck of being born from a fuck
>>: He was wiped off the sheets with a spoon.
>>
>>
>>There once was a girl named Alice
>>who used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
>>They found her vagina in North Carolina
>>and one of her tits was in Dallas.
>>
>
>The version of that one I heard went like this and scans better IMO:
>
>Nymphomaniacal Alice
>Used a dynamite stick for a phallus
>They found her vagina in North Carolina
>And her arse hole in Buckingham Palace."
>
>How about this one:
>
>A sickly young fellow named Bland
>Considered that wanking was grand
>But he viewed with distaste, the gelatinous paste
>That it left in the palm of his hand.
Hows about...
The curate when new to the cloth
In matters of sex was no sloth
When he taught masturbation
To a full congregation
He was washed down the aisle by the froth
Or an old one...
From a crypt in the church of St Giles
Came a scream that was heard for ten miles
Said the vicar "Good gracious
Has father Ignatius
Forgotten the bishop has piles"
Shawn Foo
For all those computer/electronics people,
my favourite was:
One bit brain with a parity error..
silk
Elvis Presley
In article <3QjndDAt...@FX-PROJECTS.demon.co.uk>, Tom James
<T...@FX-PROJECTS.demon.co.uk> writes
>In article <33af2894....@news1.vir.com>, mm <a...@vir.com> writes
>>Kadaitchaman <tura...@rainbow.net.au> wrote:
>>
>>>Lee Jaap wrote:
>>>>
>>>> I really am unable to find any limericks in this thread.
>>>>
>>>> Followups elsewhere.
>>>> --
>>>> J Lee Jaap <Jaa...@ASMSun.LaRC.NASA.Gov> +1 757/865-7093
>>>> employed by, not necessarily speaking for,
>>>> AS&M Inc, Hampton VA 23666-1340
>>>
>>>
>>>There was a young lady from Kew
>>>Who filled her vagina with glue
>>>Said she with a grin if they pay to get in
>>>Then they'll pay to get out of it too
>>
>>There once was a man from Rangoon
>>That was born nine months too soon
>>He didn't have the luck of being born from a fuck
>>He was wiped off the sheets with a spoon.
>
>
>There was a young vampire called mable
>Who's periods were extremely stable
>One night with a straw
>She sat on the floor
>And drank herself under the table.
>
>Boom boom...
>
>Also:
>
>There was a young queer from the towers
>Who lay nude in the field for hours
>The wind through the grass
>Blew seeds up his arse
>But only his friends saw the flowers
>
>And:
>
>There was a young man from Bengal
>Who had a mathematical ball
>The root of its weight
>Was one sixteenth times eight
>Of one third of a half of fuck-all.
>
>The young man in a punt has been shelved for reasons of good taste.
>
There was a young man from Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass
In windy weather they clanged together
And sparks came out of his arse
Joe
What about -
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's not home??
Daniel M Iannarelli
There was a young lady from Leith
Who circumcised men with her teeth.
It wasn't for pleasure she indulged in this leisure
But to get at the cheese underneath!
--
Danny
kl...@ix.netcom.com
On Wed, 18 Jun 1997 17:27:54 +0000, Tim Cook <tim...@swbell.net>
wrote:
>Colin wrote:
>>
>> A couple from my parents era
>>
>> a few grapes short of a bunch
>> not a full shilling
>>
>{redaction}
>> >
>> >> >>my favorite was always "about as sharp as a beach ball"
>> >
>{more redaction}
>
>my favorite was always "fucked up as a football bat"
>
>
>Tim
Some of my favorites are:
His elevator doesn't go to the top. (Or, His elevator shaft stops
short of the top floor.)
_____ has Read Only Memory.
_____ hasn't go the sense God gave to a Piss Ant.
_____ has his head so far up his ass that he has to open his mouth to
see where he's going. (Or, he has to stand up just to clear his
throat.)
If you put your ear next to his, you can hear the Sea.
He doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground and keeps trying to
jump his ass and wipes the hole.
He's emminantly qualified for Government work.
When they were handing out brains, he thought they were handing out
trains and is still waiting at the station.
A real-life "ExLax" moment:
A friend insisted that gasoline should go into one of those holes in
the engine area, and persistently tried to put it into both the
Radiator and then the Winshield Washing reservoirs. He insisted that
that hole couldn't be the right one because he couldn't see where the
gas went and the preceding attempts were valid because he could see
through those containers. BTW, he did succeed in killing his car --
by filling it with Diesel fuel "cause it was a bargain compared to
"regular" gas. Same MO destroyed at least two more cars!
DUH,
Kathy B.
Sketch
What about
>>>His monorail is stuck in fantasyland and will never make tommorowland
>>>His belt doesn't go through all the loops
>>>He is about a useful as a pay toilet on a diarrhea ward.
Philip Morgan
kl...@ix.netcom.com wrote:
>_____ hasn't go the sense God gave to a Piss Ant.
Aha! Piss Ant - that's what they're saying on various US TV progs. All is now
clear (except, of course, what a Piss Ant is).
Philip
Cardiff
UK
Zoe :)
The intelligence of a dead canary.
Faster than a speeding slug (of someone slow on the uptake)
She wouldn't hurt her face if she fell on it (of an ugly woman)
Michael James Lawler
"Zoe :)" <elu...@bangor.ac.uk> writes:
>She wouldn't hurt her face if she fell on it (of an ugly woman)
I thought this had more to do with well-endowed ladies...
cheers,
Michael.
yup!
A piss ant is one of those little bitty light red ant that runs around
real fast.
JET
There once was a man from Peru
Who fell asleep in a canoe
While dreaming of Venus
He played with his penis
And woke with a handful of goo.
Daniel M Iannarelli <Da...@iannarelli.demon.co.uk> wrote in article
<VdEk1SAo...@iannarelli.demon.co.uk>...
Matthew Harvey
A couple of military expressions:
-- "Ate up like a soup sandwich" (chicken noodle on rye,
anyone?)
-- "As wrong as two boys fucking"
And another one I heard recently:
-- "Rode the short bus to school"
RayCharles
My fave was always:
"Dumber than a five dollar bucket of hair"
One of my best freinds likes:
"About as useful as a bag of hammers"
Although, in my own world, i can think of MANy uses for a whole **bag**
of hammers!
-Ray
"You know the night time is the right time..."
Trey Hutt
Michael O'Leary <mol...@primus.com> wrote in article
<33B009...@primus.com>...
> From an official evaluation form:
>
> Needs improvement in gluteal/excavational differentiation.
>
Along those lines, the nickname Richard Cranium comes to mind again. . .
trey
Hemlock
In article <33B2DA...@photobooks.com>, RayCharles
<raych...@photobooks.com> writes
>One of my best freinds likes:
>
> "About as useful as a bag of hammers"
>
>Although, in my own world, i can think of MANy uses for a whole **bag**
>of hammers!
"Face like a sack of spanners"
Or to quote Les Dawson "My Mother-in law had a face like a bulldog
chewing a wasp".
--
Hemlock
John Miller
Back at 'ya from alt.jokes.limericks ...
Well, ya got that just about right,
But not the whole of it, quite;
When you've ants in the pants,
Better them than fire ants,
But the mean little bastards DO BITE!
-- John Miller Talco TX 75487
Zoe :)
What about the Garfield comment (of Odie);
If that dog's brain were a car, it would be permanantly stuck in neutral.
David Gray
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Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
The combined intelligence of a lobotomised cockroach. (said of one person)
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Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
<html><head></head><BODY bgcolor=3D"#B8B8B8"><p><font size=3D2 =
color=3D"#000000" face=3D"Courier">The combined intelligence of a =
lobotomised cockroach. (said of one person)<br><br><br><br><br></p>
</font></body></html>
------=_NextPart_000_01BC82AB.E3374540--
Elvis Presley
In article <01bc8272$89a66f80$755131cc@hutt7>, Trey Hutt <treyhutt@nospa
m.panamacity.com> writes
See <http://www.presley.demon.co.uk/mmrc/class1ch.htm> for how Team
Richard Head Racing are doing in the British 50cc Motorcycle Road Racing
Endurance Championship following their move from Class 4 to Class 1.
Elvis Presley
In article <KRXbOKAk...@xhogan.demon.co.uk>, Hemlock
<Hem...@xhogan.demon.co.uk> writes
>Or to quote Les Dawson "My Mother-in law had a face like a bulldog
>chewing a wasp".
Cue loads of ugly as lines_
Face like a blind cobbler's thumb
Face like a welder's bench
Face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle
Looks like her face has been on fire and somebody's put it out with a
shovel
Or moving on to another part of the anatomy:
Tits like a street map of Pately Bridge.
Only a select few Brits will get this one I suspect.
Spam
David Gray wrote:
>
> The combined intelligence of a lobotomised cockroach. (said of one
> person)
You realized this while looking in the mirror?
--
*-----------------------------------------*
* SAVE THE NET -- NUKE A SPAMMER TODAY! *
*-----------------------------------------*
Andre van Eyssen
e.edu> <33ad9a48...@news.mv.net>
Followup-To:
In article <33ad9a48...@news.mv.net>, Mark A. Stevens, M.D. wrote:
>Stephen Gladstone <sgla...@acpub.duke.edu> wrote:
>
>>not the brightest bulb on the chandelier
>>not the sharpest knife in the drawer
>
>Dumb as a bag of wet rocks.
Few olives short of a pizza?
--
Andre van Eyssen,
Kaelos Computing. (T4216908)
"One who is not wise himself cannot be well advised"
---Machiavelli
The Prince s23
"Any advertising material sent via email attracts a
possible $AUD200 viewing fee. By sending any adv-
ertising material, you are agreeing to this clause"
Mark Brown
In article <5osr37$c...@kew.globalnet.co.uk>, Philip Morgan
<feab...@globalnet.co.uk> writes
>kl...@ix.netcom.com wrote:
>
>
>>_____ hasn't go the sense God gave to a Piss Ant.
>
>Aha! Piss Ant - that's what they're saying on various US TV progs. All is now
>clear (except, of course, what a Piss Ant is).
>
>Philip
>Cardiff
>UK
>
Piss Ant - The Man......erm, some sort of plant isn't it? Or was that
his brother, Chris Ant.....;-)
-----
Mark Brown
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read" - Groucho Marx
Teddi Wight Light
> >
> >
> >>_____ hasn't go the sense God gave to a Piss Ant.
> >
> >Aha! Piss Ant - that's what they're saying on various US TV progs. All is now
> >clear (except, of course, what a Piss Ant is).
> >
> >Philip
> >Cardiff
> >UK
> >
> real fast.
Actually the word is 'pissante' - probably from the French; pronounced
piszont - can't find the dictionary meaning right now - but means
something like : little, insignificant, worthless.
Regards
Teddi Wight Light.
Andrew Warden and Julianne Halley
Randy Bellows wrote:
>
> On Thu, 12 Jun 1997 06:56:18 -0400, "Keith (Paramedic wannabe)"
> <khi...@gl.umbc.edu> wrote:
>
> >On 10 Jun 1997 gate@welchgate wrote:
> >
> >> >>> >> - the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top-
> >> >>> >> - a few clowns short of a circus-
> >
>
> And my variation on this theme is, ...couldn't find his butt with both
> hands, bright lights, and radar.
And possibly:
A stubbie short of a six-pack
A sandwich short of a hamper
Lights are on but no-one's home
The Judge
--
*** The greatest man is he who can achieve the greatest thing and not feel the need to
breathe a word about it. *** The Judge
Ned Carlson
ave...@macabre.kaelos.hna.com.au (Andre van Eyssen) wrote:
>Few olives short of a pizza?
Ugh! Olives on pizza? Only thing worse are anchovies..yuk!
Make mine sausage & mushroom, thanks!
dayle
laxadave <da...@voxgrafikaNOJUNK.com> wrote in article
<33AEB7...@voxgrafikaNOJUNK.com>...
>
>
> "...about one (__insert unit name here__) short of a (__insert quantity
> _) ..."
>
>.About one stubbie short of a carton!
>
>
>
Paul Desmond Tybislawski
ghost <mars...@supernova.agn.net.au> wrote:
who should know better
>Randy Bellows wrote:
>>
>> On Thu, 12 Jun 1997 06:56:18 -0400, "Keith (Paramedic wannabe)"
>> <khi...@gl.umbc.edu> wrote:
>>
>> >On 10 Jun 1997 gate@welchgate wrote:
>> >
>> >> >>> >> - the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top-
>> >> >>> >> - a few clowns short of a circus-
>> >
>>
>> And my variation on this theme is, ...couldn't find his butt with both
>> hands, bright lights, and radar.
>the australian ver a roo short in the top padock
it's "kangaroos loose in the top padock", roos are not required,
cattle _are_.
Paul Desmond Tybislawski, there | I believe in : Paying NO voluntary taxes, i.e.
are no e's in my true email | Lotteries, Gambling... The Executive Producer
Visit the Ellen Foley Fan Pages | is to blame!... and perhaps, Love (is/can be)
http://www.gil.com.au/~ptybisla | "Fully expecting to be Hurt!"
Henry Spencer
As sharp as a bag of bowling balls.
As useful as a pogo stick in a minefield.
--
Gentlemen! You can't fight in here, this is the war room!
cthon at iaccess dot com dot au
John Miller
"Pissante" where YOU come from, perhaps;
(Lord knows what we'll hear from YOU chaps!)
But down here in Texas
The critters that vex us
Are PISS ANTS inside of our chaps
(Anything cross-posted to alt.jokes.limericks
is apt to invoke a reply from me in the form
of a limerick, or close facsimile thereof)
John Miller
John Miller
John Miller
John Miller wrote: With inclusions, the same crap
three times over
I ordered my mailer to GO
But the software responded, "Hell no!"
Not knowing it lied
I retried and retried
Making Spam just as bad as a pro
I admit to the vilest of crimes,
I posted the same thing THREE TIMES;
Though my mailer's to blame
I'll live on with my shame
Doing penance with many more rhymes
Ed Tang
On 27 Jun 1997 11:38:32 GMT, ave...@macabre.kaelos.hna.com.au (Andre
van Eyssen) wrote:
>Few olives short of a pizza?
>
A few implants short of a Borg.
annie shank
I'd always heard that it was from "pismire," which is another word for
ant. Of course, my dad said it was pissant because that way you could
say "There's a pissant, step on it!" whereas if it were stepant, you
would have to say, "There's a stepant, piss on it!" But he was a little
odd.
Annie
Spam
Just plain short.
jander
JET wrote:
>
> There once was a man from Peru
> Who fell asleep in a canoe
> While dreaming of Venus
> He played with his penis
> And woke with a handful of goo.
>
> Daniel M Iannarelli <Da...@iannarelli.demon.co.uk> wrote in article
> <VdEk1SAo...@iannarelli.demon.co.uk>...
> > There was a young lady from Leith
> > Who circumcised men with her teeth.
> > It wasn't for pleasure she indulged in this leisure
> > But to get at the cheese underneath!
> > --
> > Danny
> >
How about the term....Homlier than a bucketful of assholes
DeadCeleb
I love that one! Check this one out, tho
Stopping the bulk email messages forever
based on Robert Frost's
Stopping by the woods on a snowy evening
Who sent this here, I do not know.
They gave me no return path, so;
My box is filled most ev'ry day
By people trying to make dough
Reply 'remove' is what they say
Yet I remain one of their prey
Sites of porn they do promote
Through my email client gateway
I'd like to take them by the throat
And without democratic vote.
Sink them in the ocean deep
And with some luck they will not float.
Each day I check my mail and weep
More junk my mail box does reap
Remove me from your list you creep
Remove me from your list you creep
(C) 1997 Bo Christoph. May be used by permission.
Making it up as I go along
*****************************
CRACKERS
http://members.aol.com/deadceleb/
Fairfield CT, Improv Comedy
*****************************
R Daneel
how about...
One nerd short of a Trek convention
Not firing on all cylinders
Can't shave for fear his head might implode
has that deer in the headlamps look
Slsobn
<About as together as Holyfield's ear.>
Oh Vose...so timely...you rock my world!
Shaun
Still sitting stunned from the Tysons version of Hannibal in Silence of
the Lambs.
Ne...@sowega.net
On Sat, 28 Jun 1997 12:28:43 +0000, annie shank <an...@rt66.com>
wrote:
>I'd always heard that it was from "pismire," which is another word for
>ant. Of course, my dad said it was pissant because that way you could
>say "There's a pissant, step on it!" whereas if it were stepant, you
>would have to say, "There's a stepant, piss on it!" But he was a little
>odd.
>
>Annie
My stepfather used to tell me that piss ants and fire ants were the
same thing.
He said that they were called piss ants because of they way they
attacked. If you inadvertently disturbed one of their nests they would
begin to swarm on to your leg. Once they had covered a sizable portion
of your leg (unnoticed) they would signal each other and bite all at
the same time. Next, they would turn around and piss into the wound.
Hence, the stinging sensation.
My stepfather was rather strange.
Neeva
Tom Mc
John Miller <hard...@mcleodusa.net> wrote in article
<33B4C6AF...@mcleodusa.net>...
> They are what a baby becomes 10 to 14 years after birth (pissants that
is).
Paul Intihar
While taking my weekly archery practice in the back pasture yesterday,
the following occured to me:
A few arrows short of a quiver;
A few arrows short of a flight.
Stan Armstrong
In article <33b29187...@nntp.ix.netcom.com>, yup! <pi...@pong.com>
writes
>On Thu, 26 Jun 1997 04:27:26 GMT, feab...@globalnet.co.uk (Philip
>Morgan) wrote:
>
>>kl...@ix.netcom.com wrote:
>>
>>
>>>_____ hasn't go the sense God gave to a Piss Ant.
>>
>>Aha! Piss Ant - that's what they're saying on various US TV progs. All is now
>>clear (except, of course, what a Piss Ant is).
>>
>>Philip
>>Cardiff
>>UK
>>
>A piss ant is one of those little bitty light red ant that runs around
>real fast.
The expression may be related to the English word Pismire, which in turn
is related to Piss from the strong smell of the anthill.
--
Stan Armstrong SET Resource Limited
L. Walter
'Bout as smart as a box of rocks.
On Thu, 26 Jun 1997, RayCharles wrote:
> My fave was always:
>
> "Dumber than a five dollar bucket of hair"
>
> One of my best freinds likes:
>
> "About as useful as a bag of hammers"
>
> Although, in my own world, i can think of MANy uses for a whole **bag**
> of hammers!
>
> -Ray
> "You know the night time is the right time..."
>
>
Tee Hee 5
sharp as a marble is better than sharp as a beachball.
someones calling but noones leaving any massages.
don't...@your.mother
John Miller <hard...@mcleodusa.net> wrote:
an article he thought so good he posted it *three* times
[SNIP nested quotes]
>"Pissante" where YOU come from, perhaps;
>(Lord knows what we'll hear from YOU chaps!)
> But down here in Texas
> The critters that vex us
>Are PISS ANTS inside of our chaps
The word is, in fact, pismire.
The Collins English Dictionary Third Edition (updated) 1994 offers
the following definition:
pissmire n. an archaic or dialect word for an ant. [C14th (literally:
urinating ant, from the odour of formic acid characteristic of an ant
hill): from PISS + obsolete _mire_ ant, of Scandinavian origin;
compare Old Norse _maurr_, Middle Low German _mire_ ant]
So we have a case of some semi-learned wag, delving into a dictionary,
and exchanging '_mire_' for 'ant' to give 'pissant', which seems to
have gained some currency.
The term might also be compared to (and might indeed be confused with)
its homophone, puissant. Puissant means, again according to the
Collins, 'powerful', from the Old French and before that, Latin,
_potens_ (mighty). This may have been what was intended by an earlier
contribution to the thread, which suggested 'pissante' was the correct
form of 'piss ant'. Pissante, if it means anything at all, might
refer to one who pisses first ;-) FWIW, 'pissante' is listed in
neither the Collins or the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary.
Derek
+------------------------------------------------------------+
| T H E B I G H O U S E O F K N O W L E D G E |
| *** Never Knowingly Undersold *** |
|if you find the same qualification available cheaper locally|
| we will cut our costs further still |
Zoe :)
When they were giving out brains, he/she was doing a head stand.
Stuart & Angela JONES
Zoe :) wrote:
>
> When they were giving out brains, he/she was doing a head stand.
Or as the Skipper said to Gilligan -
"When they were giving out the brains you weren't standing behind the
door, you were on vacation."
Remove the * to reply.
Frank Carr
If you like the smutty stuff, take a look at Bedroom Golf on
my web site.
Frank...@Virgin.Net
FC...@emarkt.com
The Work and Play Web Site
http://freespace.virgin.net/frank.carr/homepage.htm
White Wolf
jander wrote:
> How about the term....Homlier than a bucketful of assholes
I like the term ...... face like a can of smashed assholes. Or if that
doesn't work, how about: Scab pickin' tuna queen? Or maybe: Bloated
yeast infected hosebag?
White Wolf
--
<------ Of all the things I ever lost, I miss my mind the most.------>
bill
bill