PLANET PROCTOR '97, VOLUME 32
Richard Arnold
PLANET PROCTOR 97 - 32
"Laughter scares even those who fear nothing!"
(Old Russian expression)
VIRTUAL REALITY
In the lobby of the WG Theatre on Doheny is an
exhibit of pages from movies and TV. Among them, a
script for the X-Files by Darin Morgan titled
"Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose" which contains the
following telling description:
"He stares down at his wound in complete
mystification, not so much like a man who's been
shot, but like a writer who's watching the
director's cut of one of his own episodes."
VIRTUAL REALTY
There are several "Virtual Cemetery" sites on the
net, but my favorite offers you a choice of Eternal
Rest settings with shady trees, varying weather
conditions and bird or insect calls, and "virtual
communication" with the dearly departed. The only
problem is -- there's a two-year waiting period for
space; they're plots have been all sold out...Can
you dig it?
VIRTUAL ARREST
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated
speed trap that measured his speed using radar and
photographed his car. He later received in the mail
a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead
of payment, he sent the police department a
photograph of $40. Several days later, he received
a letter from the police department that contained
another picture -- of handcuffs. (Wayne "Duke"
Newitt)
VIRTUALLY, ENGLAND
From Frank M. Bland more colourful answers given by
recent British boys in a national examination:
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German...
Liter: A nest of young puppies... Magnet: Something
you find crawling all over a dead cat... Momentum:
What you give a person when they are going away...
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot... Vacuum:
A large, empty space where the pope lives...
Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.
All water tends towards the moon, because there is
no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I
forget where the sun joins in this fight... The
moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is
even deader... Equator: A managerie lion running
around the Earth through Africa.
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines and
makes them perspire... A super-saturated solution
is one that holds more than it can hold...
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
look like umbrellas... A fossil is an extinct
animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
VIRTUAL IDIOCY
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and
sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given
some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired
several shots at the target. The report came from
the target area that all attempts had completely
missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle,
and then at the target. He looked at the rifle
again, and then at the target, again. He put his
finger over the end of the rifle barrel and
squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end
of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled
toward the target area: "It's leaving here just
fine, the trouble must be at your end!" (Penn the
J.)
VIRTUAL SAMPLICITY
+ A big whale's lung is probably about the size of
your car.
+ A sailor's traditional uniform has a square flap
from the collar down the back. In that antique age
the flap was there to protect the uniform material
underneath from the tar in the sailor's pigtail.
+ In the hope of improving her memory, Eleanor
Roosevelt at her doctor's suggestion ate three
chocolate-covered garlic balls every morning before
breakfast. It's a matter of historical record that
she and Franklin Delano Roosevelt took their meals
at opposite ends of a long, long table.
+ Riddle: You're captured by the enemy. You're
about to be executed. The executioner insists you
make one last statement. You'll be hanged if and
only if your statement is true. You'll be shot by
firing squad if and only if your statement is
false. (You might want to put this query to the
Sherlock among your email acquaintances without
immediately supplying the following sentence that
will save your life: "You'll execute me by firing
squad.")
For a regular fix, visit
http://www.LMBoyd.com/postscript.htm
VIRTUAL BRAINS
A lady visiting her in-laws in Arkansas last week,
went to a local supermarket. She parked next to a
car with a woman sitting inside, her eyes closed
and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping but
with her eyes open. The visiting woman tapped on
the window and asked, "Are you okay?" The woman in
the car answered, "I've been shot in the head, and
I am holding my brains in."
Not knowing what to do, the first woman ran into
the store, where store officials called the
paramedics. They had to break into the car because
the door was locked. When they got in, they found
that the woman had bread dough on the back of her
head and in her hands.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded,
apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud
explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in
the head. When she reached back to find what it
was, she felt the dough and thought it was her
brains. She passed out from fright at first, then
attempted to hold her brains in. (From Wayne
"Moose" Newitt)
VIRTUAL GOVERNMENT
* FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes
some of the milk.
* PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government
takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone
else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows.
The government gives you as much milk as you need.
* BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The
government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-
chicken farmers. You have to take care of the
chickens the government took from the chicken
farmers. The government gives you as much milk and
as many eggs as the regulations say you should
need.
* FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes
both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you
the milk.
* PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors
help you take care of them, and you all share the
milk.
* RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to
take care of them, but the government takes all the
milk.
* DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government
takes both and shoots you.
* SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The
government fines you for keeping two unlicensed
farm animals in an apartment.
* MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government
takes both and drafts you.
* PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors
decide who gets the milk.
* REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your
neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the
milk.
* AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to
give you two cows if you vote for it. After the
election, the president is impeached for
speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the
affair "Cowgate."
* BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed
them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government
doesn't do anything.
* BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the
government regulates what you can feed them and
when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to
milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one,
milks the other and pours the milk down the drain.
Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting
for the missing cow.
* ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the
milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill
you and take the cows.
$ CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and
buy a bull.
$ HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell
three of them to your publicly-listed company,
using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-
law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap
with associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping
five cows. The milk rights of six cows are
transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a
Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all
seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The
annual report says that the company owns eight
cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you
kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.
* ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The
government bans you from milking or killing them.
* FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and
adopt a veal calf.
* TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The
government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.
* POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with
(the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the
phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two
differently-aged (but no less valuable to society)
bovines of nonspecified gender.
~@ SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The
government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
(From A. "Silly Person" Shearman)
VIRTUAL ADVERTISING
* Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered.
Like one of the family... Dog for sale: eats
anything and is fond of children... Dinner Special
-- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children
$2.00.
* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it... We do
not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
carefully by hand... We will oil your sewing
machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for
the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you
drink it all in.... Our experienced Mom will care
for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks
included... Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be
dependable, like the food business, and be willing
to get hands dirty.
* Cars & Car Repair: Why go elsewhere to be
cheated? Come here first! Free pick-up and
delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere
again. Illiterate? Write today for free help...
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
A VIRTUAL MESSAGE...
"I was LOL and ROTF after the last PP. GMTA, IMHO.
Going AFK, BRB -- TTFN and WTG, PP ;) U }:>!"
VIRTUAL LA, CA
If you move the letters of Los Angeles, California
around, it spells: "No car, I fail -- legs on
sale."
(Honk, honk! PP 6-1-97)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Missed an orbit of PLANET PROCTOR? You can find
them, thanks to Richard Arnold at:
http://www.clark.net/pub/rarnold/firesign/pp