Co$ opens a Mystery Sandwich shop (Satire, BUT corrected for accuracy)
Dave Bird
Descartes <renedes...@hotmail.com> writes:
>[snip]
It was like a scene out of a Twilight Zone episode. My friend Jim
and I were walking down 39th street and the far side of the rail
tracks which is mostly derelict, but a good place to take a doberman
a long walk, when we at the end of the parking lot a brand new
Mystery Sandwich shop. We weren't much hungry at all, but we were
curious who might have opened a diner to passing trade where almost
no trade passed. That might have been the end of it except for
this guy who barged into our way with a mystery-sandwich clipboard,
and asked us if we would like to do a sandwich attitude test. You
could see that every part of skin, hair, and clothes had been
carefully scrubbed, patched, and groomed, though without the things
that go with it like smart watch, new clothes, or aftershave. His
clothes looked like they had been old when he got them second hand,
and were now at the limit of scrupulous care keeping them in one piece.
Anyway, he gave us a lot of schpiel about whether we were really
content with our lives until we doubted we were, so we went back
to the shop and sat at a table by the kitchen and spent ten minutes
filling in this long questionaire. Looking round the shop, I
thought we were in with some queer characters. One guy was sat at
a table staring direct at his friend, who was muttering softly
under his breath what sounded like an endless stream of obscenities
and insults. Another guy's red ketchup tomato had rolled over
on its side, and he kept saying to it "stand up, stand up, stand
up." Finally a waiter came by and discretely stood it up for him,
and he said "thank you" -- but, disconcertingly, he said it to the
plastic tomato rather than the waiter. The one thing we couldn't
see was anything that might be described as a sandwich. Of bread,
cheese, ham, bacon, mayo, or the like, there was not a saussage.
Anyway the guy came back and marked my test -- a seedy looking
older woman took Jim into another cubicle to mark his. He kept
telling me the reason I was still sad because my dad died last year
was inadequate diet, and the only thing that would cure it was
a mystery sandwich. He took me over to the till, where Jim had
reappeared with his interviewer. Just like me, he was anxiously
searching his wallet. Turned out we both needed an hour in private
with the sandwich chef so he could make us a super-invisible BLT,
but the cheapest sale price for this was $64.99... and neither of
us had quite as much as fifty in our wallets. We hadn't been
hungry and we hadn't seen one of these sandwiches, but by now
we really felt we must be in need of one if everybody else
thought so. We walked out of the side door and across the
tarmac lot feeling we had somehow missed out, when we bumped
into this other clipboarder. He was almost as shabbily genteel
as the first, but he seemed friendlier if a little confused.
For some reason he had a multimeter and soldering iron slung
on a tool-belt, and he had a beanie with a motorised propeller
which slowly rotated powered by a small battery in his top pocket.
He said he too had a need for mystery sandwiches at an affordable
price, and led us to a battered old hamburger van marked
"Greasy Bill's Free-Lance Mystery Sandwich Van". He said he
could provide the necessary for an affordable price, though he
had to charge a little to cover the price of ingredients.
Hesitantly, we said we could just about spare five dollars each.
He agreed eagerly, and we came inside the van. After a few minutes
being interviewed on rudiments, he brought forth with a flourish
two fine china plates containing absolutely nothing visible, and
set them down on the stained gingham tablecloth. We were a bit
bemused at first but, following his lead, we took up the handful
of imperceptible sandwich off the empty plate, and bit into it
enthusiastically, trying to believe it was the greatest thing
we had ever feasted on. But, in fact, it tasted suspiciously like
nothing. Still, we reflected, as we walked back down the boarded
up street, we had got our nothing at a knock down price. "Come
back whenever you feel the need for more," Greasy Bill had said,
shaking hands with us eagerly. But is was over a month before we
had an entirely idle Sunday and walked down 39th street again: the
mystery sandwich shop was boarded up like the rest, and Bill's van
long departed from the parking lot leaving only an oilstain behind.
>Then we both headed towards the Leaning Tower of Pizza.
>I thought I heard Rod Serling's voice off in the distance.
>
>
>RD00
___ |\ .---. _ :::\
( o ) |'_\ \ V / | | ..:/
-- _| |_ Elron _| |_ becomes _| |_ 5th _| |_ Tellytubby | |
.`_____`. .`_____`. .`_____`. .`_____`. .` `.
|\ / \ /||\ / \ /| |\ / \ /||\ / \ /| |\ /\\/\ /|
||| @ @ |||||| 9 9 ||| ||| 6 6 |||||| o o ||| ||| x x |||
\_\ = /_/\_\ - /_/ \_\ o /_/\_\ ._. /_/ \_\ ._. /_/..
.-'-----'-. .-'-----'-. .-'-----'-. .-'-----'-. .-'-----'-.::.
(_ ___ _)(_ ___ _) (_ ___ _)(_ ___ _) (_ ___ _) |
| |T_W| | | Dipsy | | |LaLa | | |PO_| | | ElRon \rum|
| | | | | | | | | /|__|
jgs(___|___)m¢ (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) (____|____)
Dave Bird
Jack
news:MUdRwCDX...@xemu.demon.co.uk
> In article<b9e50dcd.02121...@posting.google.com>, Rene
> Descartes <renedes...@hotmail.com> writes:
>> [snip]
"Another guy's red ketchup tomato had rolled over
on its side, and he kept saying to it "stand up, stand up, stand
up." Finally a waiter came by and discretely stood it up for him,
and he said "thank you" -- but, disconcertingly, he said it to the
plastic tomato rather than the waiter"
LMAO
best of luck
jack
Rene Descartes
> ( o ) |' \ \ V / | | ..:/
> -- | | Elron | | becomes | | 5th | | Tellytubby | |
> .` `. .` `. .` `. .` `. .` `.
> |\ / \ /||\ / \ /| |\ / \ /||\ / \ /| |\ /\\/\ /|
> ||| @ @ |||||| 9 9 ||| ||| 6 6 |||||| o o ||| ||| x x |||
> .-'-----'-. .-'-----'-. .-'-----'-. .-'-----'-. .-'-----'-.::.
> | |T W| | | Dipsy | | |LaLa | | |PO | | | ElRon \rum|
> | | | | | | | | | /| |
> jgs( | )m ( | ) ( | ) ( | ) ( | )
Hello Dave Duude!
I have read your piece of artwork here. You have clearly presented the
story in a different manner than I have mine.
I do not think you meant any harm by including the word "corrected" in
your title. Myself, I am tending to look on your work in the following
manner.
You have labeled your work "Satire, but corrected for accuracy".
Instead of your label, I have looked at your work more as a
"Variation on a Scherzo by Descartes". After all, artists should
view artist's work with a truly artistict viewpoint, as defined
by those that know true art as opposed to those that follow the
"What is Art" writings of LRH, or if there is such a thing,
"The Art Series" or something similar which that same
self-proclaimed artist has written.
Your variation does indeed present a much needed look at the
concept of "mystery sandwich" and you have tied it in well with
the Co$ operations. In addition to the comedic spice you have
thrown in, the atmosphere of your piece does certainly have some
dark overtones like those of a Schoenberg opera. The one that
comes to mind is "Pierrot Lunaire (Sick Moon)", which is a classic.
I am honored that my Scherzo would help cause you to pen forth your
dark hilarity, yet very artistic story of the "Mystery Sandwich".
The mystery sandwich can be looked upon as one of LRH's ideas of
a practical joke. From the definition I have seen, first it seemed
to me that he says the thetan is that which is holding the two
pieces of bread together. Then in the same definition it appeared
to me that he was saying that the thetan was one of the slices of
bread. I almost want to say that I wish he could make up his mind,
but I can't because like other times, it looks to me like he HAS
made it up, TWICE, with two distinct remarks.
Happy Holidays Big Guy! To you and all of your relations over there
in the United Kingdom!
RD00
"The Church of Scientolgy has 8,000,000 members, on the average 50,000"
- A Church Spokesman Applying LRH OT3 Math
Dave Bird
>Dave Bird <da...@xemu.demon.co.uk> wrote>...
Well, your original work is a fantasy but evidently meant to
be a point-by-point allegory of the real world. Therefore I
corrected it to be an accurate allegory. The "food" CofS sells
is invisible, insubstantial, and non-nutritive, in short
a big fat plate of nothing. What is even more certain is
that most people do not go to CofS feeling hungry for its
product but are, exactly as I described, sucked into buying
something they never really wanted.
I think it is very clear what Hubbub meant by "mystery sandwich",
and that it is first cousin to the gold brick or the title deeds
for Brooklyn Bridge.
>
>Happy Holidays Big Guy! To you and all of your relations over there
>in the United Kingdom!
And happy new year to you, on my return.
>
>RD00
>
>"The Church of Scientolgy has 8,000,000 members, on the average 50,000"
> - A Church Spokesman Applying LRH OT3 Math
-- . . : : ,; . : ' ___.
uno, dos, tres, |FUEGO| .:. .:. .:': :' .:':' :. . : (") #oH|
' ' :' : :' : .::. H_ ~~~|
< > __ ,;;,. \\::// R_) |
'-|"""(") {__}::===== ....'''' ' ' ' ___..\||/....L\. ...|
____||--|_'--/__\___ '' .--''':::::::::::::::::::::
\ / /////////////S.Coronado/////
;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;'^';-._;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;'^
LRon Hubbard is shelled by goats in hell <www.xemu.demon.co.uk/clam/ >
Rene Descartes
> Well, your original work is a fantasy but evidently meant to
> be a point-by-point allegory of the real world. Therefore I
> corrected it to be an accurate allegory. The "food" CofS sells
> is invisible, insubstantial, and non-nutritive, in short
> a big fat plate of nothing.
These two guys seem to think otherwise.
"Cheech and Chong and the Equation of Potential Value"
PEDRO> (Knocking on door) Hey man, hey, are you home?
MAN> Yeah, Come on in man, it's open.
PEDRO> Hey what's happening. You got any stash?
MAN> Uh no man, I'm dry. Got nothin.
PEDRO> Sh*t, we got to get Freddie over here for a party. Hey where
you been man. You haven't been down to the Gutchie Pad in days.
MAN> Oh I've been reading this book.
PEDRO> What book?
MAN> This book here man, it's called Dianetics, by L Ron Hubbard.
The dude's a genius.
PEDRO> Oh man no way. You been reading that?
MAN> Yeah man, it's far out.
PEDRO> Sheesh, I read that once, that's some scary stuff man,
coathangers, and getting kicked in the head before being
a baby. Man I was having nightmares for weeks.
MAN> Far out man. No this is cool stuff. This thing here man,
"survive", it's like?that's the major thing that all life does
man.
PEDRO> Oh that's bullsh*t. Everybody knows that survive stuff.
Hah, even Darwin wrote something about that. That stuffs
been around for ages.
MAN> No way man. This is the first time, it says so right here,
and then there's these four dynamics man.
PEDRO> Ha ha, I heard of them and besides there's eight dynamics now.
MAN> Far out, maybe some day there'll be like twenty or thirty.
Hey this Hubbard dude got it right man.
PEDRO> What you talking about?
MAN> Here look here. Look at this equation. Hubbard invented the
equation of potential value.
PEDRO> What the? Get outta here. That's a bunch of bulls*t.
That dude don't know nothin'. He's a spaced-out science
fiction guy. Man he said once he took out the whole
Japenese navy using a heat ray.
MAN> No way man. This guy knows his sh*t. Seriously man look,
here, see, its PV equals IDx.
PEDRO> Let me see that. Oh yeah? This is sure rich. (laughs)
You think its good stuff?, Okay, then what's "I" stand for?
MAN> It's intelligence man.
PEDRO> Okay, and what's "D"
MAN> Oh that's Dynamic man
PEDRO> Yeah? Well what the hell does THAT man?
MAN> Well that's?uh that's?it's dynamic man, like that turbine
that spins round
PEDRO> Man that's no turbine. What the hell you talking about?
(laughs) Oh this is crazy.
MAN> Oh yeah man, well what would you know?
PEDRO> Hey, I had freshman Calculus once.
MAN> Get outta here, you?
PEDRO> Yeah
MAN> Wow, I didn't know that
PEDRO> Yeah, I passed it too; I got a D +. That's crazy sh*t
too, but not as crazy as this.
MAN> Yeah well you got a D, so what do you know?
PEDRO> Okay, you know so much, then tell me, what's this "x"
here.
MAN> Well that's "x" you know like x, like x the variable,
you have to solve for x.
PEDRO> (laughing) Oh man, see you don't know what this thing means.
Hey man this equation has no potential value. He should have
called it the "Equation of Worthless Value" (laugh)
MAN> Oh yeah you laugh, well let's see you invent an equation man.
PEDRO> (laugh) You got to do something else with your spare time
MAN> Yeah well I think better start by going and taking a crap man.
Hey gimme that book.
PEDRO> What, you need it for toilet paper?
MAN> Very funny man. No I'm gonna read it in the crapper man.
PEDRO> Hey, I want to look at it. Here take this issue of High Times.
MAN> Well all right. I'll be back.
(15 minutes later Man returns)
MAN> Wow man. I gotta stop eating so much at the Taco King.
PEDRO> Hey look what I got man. (Holds up a pipe)
MAN> Oh wow, where'd you get that?
PEDRO> Oh I searched around the room and the ash trays.
Got enough for one bowl.
MAN> Wow man, I thought I looked everywhere.
PEDRO> C'mon, let's fire this up. (Lights lighter) Puff, puff. Ahhh
MAN> Puff puff, drag drag, (Hold breath, exhale)
PEDRO> Puff puff (Hold breath, exhale)
MAN> Long Puff (Hold breath, exhale) Man this is good stuff man.
PEDRO> (laughing) You like it man?
MAN> Yeah man. You sure you got this sh*t around here man. I didn't
think I had anything around here that was this good.
PEDRO> (Laughing) You really like it?
MAN> Yeah man. This is far out man. I'm gone. I'm really lit up man.
PEDRO> (laughing)
MAN> What's so funny man?
PEDRO> Good stuff, huh?
MAN> Yeah man I told you it's good sh*t. All right, now what's so
funny man?
PEDRO> Here (laughing, throws him the Dianetics book)
MAN> What's this?
PEDRO> Turn to the page with that equation for potential value.
MAN> Hey what gives man? It's not here. Oh man, you ripped the
page out.
PEDRO> (pointing to the pipe and laughing)
MAN> Oh man. You mean we just smoked the Dianetics book?
PEDRO> (Laughing)
MAN> Hey man, it's not funny man, that book cost me $7 man.
PEDRO> (Still laughing)
MAN> Hmm, hey you know what, that was real good sh*t man.
PEDRO> Hey I didn't think we'd be getting off on it. (laughing)
MAN> (laughing) No seriously, that was far out.
Hey let's do another page man.
PEDRO> Hey we gotta go buy some more of these. For $7, sheesh,
that's a good deal (rips anotther page out)
MAN> Yeah man, we gotta tell everybody
PEDRO> Hey no way man. Then somebody'll buy all of them. We got
to keep this a secret man, you know.
MAN> (Puff, drag) Yeah man, good idea. I hear they got all kinds
of books for sale on this stuff.
PEDRO> (Puff, drag) Hey I got $20. You got a dollar? We can get
another 3 of these books.
MAN> Yeah man (Puff, drag)
PEDRO> (Drag, drag, long drag)
MAN> Hey man, no wonder this book's on the best seller list.
> >The mystery sandwich can be looked upon as one of LRH's ideas of
> >a practical joke. From the definition I have seen, first it seemed
> >to me that he says the thetan is that which is holding the two
> >pieces of bread together. Then in the same definition it appeared
> >to me that he was saying that the thetan was one of the slices of
> >bread. I almost want to say that I wish he could make up his mind,
> >but I can't because like other times, it looks to me like he HAS
> >made it up, TWICE, with two distinct remarks.
>
> I think it is very clear what Hubbub meant by "mystery sandwich",
You didn't get my joke...you know Calculus was Newton's idea of a
practical joke
> and that it is first cousin to the gold brick or the title deeds
> for Brooklyn Bridge.
You mean the non-existent bridge to total freedom, right?!
> >
> >Happy Holidays Big Guy! To you and all of your relations over there
> >in the United Kingdom!
>
> And happy new year to you, on my return.
> >
> >RD00
> >
> >"The Church of Scientolgy has 8,000,000 members, on the average 50,000"
> > - A Church Spokesman Applying LRH OT3 Math
>
> -- . . : : ,; . : ' ___.
> uno, dos, tres, |FUEGO| .:. .:. .:': :' .:':' :. . : (") #oH|
> ' ' :' : :' : .::. H_ ~~~|
> < > __ ,;;,. \\::// R_) |
> '-|"""(") {__}::===== ....'''' ' ' ' ___..\||/....L\. ...|
> ____||--|_'--/__\___ '' .--''':::::::::::::::::::::
> \ / /////////////S.Coronado/////
> ;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;'^';-._;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;'^
> LRon Hubbard is shelled by goats in hell <www.xemu.demon.co.uk/clam/ >
Dave, I'd like to see you do one like thie of three men with two
heads. What do you say? Are you up to it?
RD00