Fun things to do in Church
Mark T
Put stray dogs in coat closets.
Un-tune the piano.
Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead
concerts.
Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a
dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or
crucified?"
Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
Start a wave.
Do cool things with the lighting.
When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and
"Oliver Klozoff".
Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they
gonna do another SONG?"
Make up your own words to the songs.
Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say:
"HEY. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your
ear as jewellery. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening
service.
If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts.
If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you
can see an image of Jesus.
Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of
"fire and brimstone", throw it in.
Inflate balloons, then send them off.
Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in
asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're
doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million
years ago."
Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly
light them.
Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially
Stephen.
Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it
is.
When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with
Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
Turn to your neighbour, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me" and lick
them.
Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
Blow bubbles.
Fake a possession.
Distribute condoms.
Speak in tongues.
Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
Drool in the collection plate.
Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch
embedded inside.
Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church
next Saturday at midnight