Blue Christmas
Rhona
you all are some of the people I count as blessings in my life, and
knowing you are here and care makes everything just that little bit
easier to bear.
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I am alone this Christmas. Well, I've been alone for the last several
Christmases but for some reason this
one is hitting me.
When I was a child, Christmas Eve was the big family meal. We'd start
with cheese and crackers and pate, everyone else would have
shrimp (ick!). There was always at least one tin of Quality
Street Chocolates. We'd break out the wine or the beer, or,
in my case, the water, and smell delicious smells
coming from the kitchen. My mother refused to allow anyone admittance to
her kitchen - something I've
definitely inherited - so we'd talk and eat. Then it would be time for
dinner: turkey and sausage stuffing
and roast potatoes and peas and brussel sprouts (ick!) and wine and
Christmas crackers and my mother
insisting that we all sit through dinner wearing the little paper
crowns. Then sherry trifle and mince tarts and fruit cake and shortbread
for dessert. Then my father and I doing the dishes, singing carols. Then
everyone collapsed in front of the tv. One year we talked my parents
into letting us open a present on
Christmas Eve, but that was rather a disastrous experiment (I got a
globe, my sister an umbrella) so it was
never repeated. Then off to bed to wait for the morning and yet more
food.
When my father died, 18 years ago now, my sister took over the making of
Christmas dinner. It worked
for a while - her children were young, and we all pitched in. Then my
mother was diagnosed with
Alzheimers and my sister's drinking got out of hand and Christmas Eve
dinner became a time of strife -
stress and yelling.
My mother died three years ago, but she hadn't been a part of Christmas
for many years before then. My
sister's alcoholism just got more and more in the way, and a couple of
years ago she pretty much cut off
communication with me. I kept showing up at her house on Christmas Day,
but my reception was pretty
much lukewarm.
I thought it might be different this year. She got in touch with me in
September. Now, granted, it was just
because she needed money and she needed my signature to get it, but she
talked about getting therapy
and she apologized for her behaviour. I thought, just maybe, she'd call
and invite me to Christmas.
I guess not.
I will go over there again tomorrow. I have gifts for her and my nephews
(who are now pretty much
grown up). I don't expect anything in return - last year the sum total
of gifts from my family was a
chocolate orange - although it wuold be nice to think they'd thought of
me.
On Thursday I will have people at my home who I care very deeply about,
and who return that feeling.
That's a good and wonderful thing, and I count that very much as a
blessing.
I just wish that group included blood relatives.
And tonight, Christmas Eve? Well, tonight I'm alone.
This is my new reality of Christmas.
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Rhona
--
"You may say I'm a dreamer,
But I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you will join us,
And the world will live as one."
John Lennon
Leetah
> On Thursday I will have people at my home who I care very deeply about,
> and who return that feeling.
> That's a good and wonderful thing, and I count that very much as a
> blessing.
>
> I just wish that group included blood relatives.
>
> And tonight, Christmas Eve? Well, tonight I'm alone.
>
> This is my new reality of Christmas.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Rhona
I'm new here, but I would like to offer a {{{{{{HUG}}}}}}
Grieving the loss of the way you used to spend the holiday season is
perfectly rational.
I hope you take what enjoyment you can out of the day. If you have no
expectations then everything is in excess of your expectations, right?
Miche
Rhona <rho...@sympatico.ca> wrote:
> And tonight, Christmas Eve? Well, tonight I'm alone.
>
> This is my new reality of Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Rhona.
I'm sorry, I can't think of anything else to say except that you're not
alone while people are thinking of you.
*hug*
Miche
--
So what if the universe is a pointless mass of hydrogen refuse powered
by entropy. I'm spreading ketchup on a rubber duck, and after that I'm
going to brush its teeth. So there.
-- Rob Landley
TBird
>
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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>
>Rhona
VERY gentle snips....
Oh Rhona....
My Christmases were always hell, so I never much cared, and the year I was
alone was so peaceful and calm, I almost relished it.
But to have had wonderful Christmases - to have had Christmases wearing silly
paper hats and no one fought about it.... To cherish those little things and
then lose them - that must be heart wrenching and I wish I'd read your post
sooner. I wish I could give you a real life hug - or have invited you to my
house where my son was whining about having the Worst Life Ever (tm) but we all
went merrily on, and went to church, and by the time the kids service was over
- he was all smiles.
The sermon - well, it was interesting.
It was about contrast also.
Now - to catch this, you need to understand that Pastor Dan is youngish, late
30's/early 40's maybe, and has longish hair, and let's ALL the kids throw water
balloons at him at the end of Vacation Bible School in the summer. Pastor Dan
is all about ad-libs and insight and trying to see the other persons point of
view.
About how Pastor Dan had been working alone, and later than he'd intended
(stupid computer problems and this and that) on Christmas Eve eve, and when he
finally got outside, someone had written in red spray paint "Die Bible
Thumpers" right outside the door on the sidewalk. At first, he was furious.
He wanted to hunt the culprit down and throttle the person. But the longer he
paced, waiting for the cops, the calmer he got until he tried to see the
ne'er-do'wells point if view. Here it was, two evenings before Christmas, and
the best thing this person could do for themselves or anyone else was graffitti
a church where the congregation were probably all total strangers. (Pator Dan
made note NOT to carry his Bible up to the Pulpit just in case....) This
thought so stuck Pastor Dan, that he was caused to realise that most of his
toughest counseling comes at this time of year - when all the expectations for
happiness seem to highlight whatever small or large faults we have growing in
our lives.
He then remembered, a few nights before, when taking a visitor/houseguest from
Japan out to the "Christmas House" a few towns over to see the lights. Just a
private house, where the residents go overboard.... Full nativity scene, deer
on the roof, thousands of pastel lights, and if you go to the dining room
window and peek in - Santa at the table and just checking his pocket watch to
see if he had time for last minute details. Here it was, several evenings
before Christmas, and the best thing this person could do for themselves or
anyone else was fill their home with lights and tableaus to amuse and entertain
people, all total strangers.
And both these things, Pastor Dan reminded us, are Christmas. And if we are
very careful, we will know that there is a difference between having joy and
being joyful. (Actually he used more religious terms, I'm mellowing this part
out.) He likened it to drinking a glass of water.... you can have a glass of
water (and he held it up in his hand) or you can HAVE a glass of water, and he
took a sip.
It took me a moment to adjust my brain and see his point.
We can all have joy. It's a matter of whether we take the next step and bring
the joy directly into our lives - and drink from it.
He was reminding us to drink.
All in all, a decent sermon. I went in happy, I came out happy.
I know you know about joy - I just wanted to share my Christmas Eve with you.
Even if after the fact.
And, Rhona, you know my messaging addresses still, doncha?
Hope your holiday turned out well. I'm so so sorry about your sisters
alchoholism.
TBird <---- had an alcoholic Mother
~~~
One of the Four Horsewomen of the ATH Gutter
Rhona
TBird wrote:<a quite wonderful post which had to be either snipped
completely or not at all>
Thank you, to you and to the others who have replied to me. I made it
through Christmas intact, if a little saddened. It snowed yesterday
which gave me the excuse I was apparently looking for not to go and
visit my sister - which I think was a good choice. I have a year to
figure out how I'll handle it all next year.
Anyway, today I have the gift of good friends coming over to spend time
- and that's very definitely a blessing.
I hope those of you who celebrate Christmas had a good one, and were
able to find joy in the holiday.