The Goddesses Story Corner - Good Times
Keleios
NO MORE GOODTIMES!
There's a new virus that will re-write your hard drive.
Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even
close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's
coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will
demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the
tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CD's you try to play.
It will give your ex-girl or boyfriend your new phone
number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all
your wine and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's
company coming over. It will put a dead squirrel in the back pocket of
your good pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It
will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour
sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while
dating your girl or boyfriend behind your back and billing the
dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if
she is dead; such is the power of Goodtimes. It reaches out
beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you
can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous
messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and
subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather
interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will
leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphe-
tamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on
the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with
your new snowblower.
Goodtimes will prompt your mother to call on Friday and
Saturday nights for two months after you make a new
girlfriend/boyfriend. It will place your wallet and keys on an
obscure shelf in the basement. It will emulate your face and stare
into the neighbor's bathroom window.
Goodtimes has been linked to cancer in laboratory mice. 9 out
of 10 dentists recommend Goodtimes.
Goodtimes will make your bloomers shrink two sizes, and it
will make you gain 15 pounds. If this results in a wedgie, then
Goodtimes will leave a nasty skid mark.
* PLEASE listen to me! The "GoodTimes" virus DOES NOT does
not exist!! Neither does any virus which claims to be spread via
e-mail. E-mail messages are TEXT FILES ! ! ! *
**************************************************************************
Madness takes its toll - please have exact Change!!
**************************************************************************
sly...@aol.com
Slywlf wakens from a light doze in the corner of the hottub long
enough to pass along some assorted humor received by her
hubby as part of a sort of 'round-table' humor hotline.
Enjoy!!
************************************************************************************************
>An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer
>companies. When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all
>applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper
>and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in
>front of the Irishman.
>
>"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"
>
>After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy
>of
>leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to
>the
>interviewer.
>
>The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!"
>
>"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree
>+
>Tree make nine!"
>
>The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to
>make
>it 99.
>
>After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the
>trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
>
>The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety
>nine!"
>
>"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree
>make ninety nine."
>
>The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman
>once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and
>asked him to make it 100.
>
>After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly
>grabbed
>the pencil and drew a little blop (hundelort) on the bottom right hand
>side
>of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
>
>The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!"
>
>"Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader
>Irish
>accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a
>turd
>make 100!!!!!"
>
>
>
>
>
>Three business men, one Irishman, one Mexican and one Chinese, were
>traveling through the south when they stopped at a large hotel for the
>night.
>
>They were put on the fifth floor and later that night the hotel caught
>fire
>and they were unable to leave their room due to the flames in the hallway.
>
>The fire department, made up entirely of local Klansmen, arrived.
>
>The firemen stretched out a big sheet for the men to jump into and yelled
>up, "Jump, Chinaman, jump!"
>
>The Chinese man jumped, the firemen quickly ran away with the blanket and
>the Chinese man splattered all over the ground.
>
>After a good laugh, the firemen spread the blanket again and called,
>"Jump,
>Mexican, jump!"
>
>"No way, man, I saw what you just did!" he replied.
>
>"Was just an accident!" they assured him and he jumped.
>
>The firemen quickly ran away and the Mexican splattered all over the
>ground.
>
>After another hearty laugh, the firemen spread out the blanket again and
>called up, "Jump Paddie. Jump!"
>
>"Hey!" replied the Irishman, "I ain't as stupid as you think I am! If
>you
>expect me to jump, you lay that blanket down for me and you all move way
>back out of the way!"
>
>
>
>
>A Marine Drill Sergeant, known for his insensitivity and tough demeanor,
>during roll call one day ended his talk with, "Oh, by the way, Kowalski,
>your mother died last night."
>
>A couple of weeks later, he told another troop in the same manner, "Don't
>bother calling home this week Johnson, your house burned down last night
>and
>killed your entire family."
>
>Word of these incidents leaked to the Commanding Officer, who called in
>Sergeant Pyrczkovich and counseled him, instructing him to be a bit more
>sensitive to the men.
>
>So, after receiving news of the death of Private Lazinsky's grandmother,
>he
>decided to try another ploy. "Okay, men. Everyone whose grandmother is
>still alive, take one step forward. Not so fast, Lazinsky..."
>
>
>
>
>So Marvin decides to go to the beach and he sees this guy, with chicks all
>around him.
>
>He says to the lifeguard, "Gosh, lookit that guy, he's got all the luck,
>he
>gets more girls than you or I could ever imagine! How does he do it?"
>
>The lifeguard looks at him and says, "Marvin, tomorrow, come back with a
>potato in your pants and see what happens."
>
>Well, he does indeed this. However, everyone was laughing at him.
>
>So Marvin goes to the lifeguard and says, "I did what you said. I put a
>potato in my pants, but now everyone is laughing at me. What are you
>trying to do to me?"
>
>The lifeguard looks at him and says, "You were SUPPOSED to put it in the
>FRONT!"
>
>
>
>
>Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
>instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
>of
>paint on their habits.
>
>After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the
>door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
>middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
>
>"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
>
>"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
>
>The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can
>come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
>
>"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
>
>
>
>
>Work vs. Prison?
>
>* In prison, they spend the majority of their time in a 8-by-10 cell.
>* At work, I spend most of my time in a 6-by-6 cube.
>
>* In prison, they get three free meals a day.
>* At work, I only get a break for one meal, which I have to pay for.
>
>* In prison, they get rewarded with time off for good behavior.
>* At work, I get rewarded with more work for good behavior.
>
>* In prison, there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
>* At work, there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.
>
>* In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for them.
>* At work, I must carry around a security card and lock and unlock the
>doors
>myself.
>
>
>
>
>
>Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of
>their
>first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a
>girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd brunette says,
>"Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde
>says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"
>
>
>
>There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The
>announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad
>enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another
>blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car
>jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all
>a
>bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you
>what's coming to you!"
>
>
>
>
>Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides
>to
>call 911:
>
>Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
>Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
>Blonde: Yes.
>Operator: The power in the house in on?
>Blonde: Of course.
>Operator: And the switch is on?
>Blonde: Yes, yes.
>Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
>Blonde: No, it's working fine.
>Operator: Then what's the problem?
>Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt
>ourselves.
>
>
sly...@aol.com
Another odd collection of humor from the Hotline...
*************************************************************************************************
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news
>and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give
>me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new
>organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very
>intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with
>Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow
>you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this
>planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her
>children."
>
>Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to
>me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God
>looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when
>created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs
>at a time."
>
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar
>> for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At
>> closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb,
>> and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat
>> in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
>> Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and
>> began to pull away.
>>
>> The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him
>> his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed
>> a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could
>> be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy." >>
>>
************************************************************************************************
>Taken from "Deep Thoughts", by Jack Handey
>
>
>>"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
>>down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
>> -----
>>"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
>>you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a
>>hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.' "
>>-----
>>"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
>>face."
>> -----
>>"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
>>flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a
>>beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful
>painting
>>with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
>>-----
>>"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
>>children's children, because I don't think children should be
>>having sex."
>>-----
>>"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
>>is, 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
>>thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did.' "
>>-----
>>"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
>>because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic."
>>-----
>>"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
>>instinct is to laugh. but then I think, what if I was an ant and she
>>fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
>>-----
>>"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
>>choreography and the dancers hit each other."
>>-----
>>"Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of
>>striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."
>>-----
>>"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
>>that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I
>was
>>thinking about doing that anyway."
>>-----
>>"I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
>>And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
>>quick and hand it to him."
>>-----
>>"Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
>>itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words 'mank'
>>and 'ind.'
>>
>>"What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is
>>mankind."
>>-----
>>"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a
>>beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
>>-----
>>"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've
>>wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
>>went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
>>-----
>>"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And
>>I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
>>-----
>>"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
>>the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."
>>-----
>>"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like
>>I am now."
>>-----
>>"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the
>>police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started
>>wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."
>>-----
>>"If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet
>>it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading
>>a magazine."
>>-----
>>"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
>>it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures,
>>to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about
>adopting the
>>vulture."
>>-----
>>"Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?"
>>-----
>>"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while
>>you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on
>>a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell
>>you."
>>-----
>>"One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run
>>with a wooden stake."
>>-----
>>"Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a
>>dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd
>>look out your little window and think, 'Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in
>>that.' "
>>-----
>>"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,
>>looking through your stuff."
>>-----
>>"Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are
>>losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody
>>got scared."
>>-----
>>"If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's
>>a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.' "
>
>
>
sly...@aol.com
Another random collection of silliness from the humor hotline.
***********************************************************************************************
This list is Copyright 1996 by Peter Anspach
> <ans...@aftermath.math.uoknor.edu>. If you enjoy it, feel free to
> pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered
> in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
>
> Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
> there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However
> every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies
> invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that
> no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
> scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
> mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an
> Evil Overlord:
>
> 1.My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not
> face-concealing ones.
>
> 2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
>
> 3.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
> anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
>
> 4.Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
>
> 5.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
> Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
> Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
>
> 6.I will not gloat over my enemies' predicatment before killing them.
>
> 7.When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or
> are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be,
> "No, just sensible."
>
> 8.When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
> will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No"
> and shoot him.
>
> 9.After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
> in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time
> during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
>
> 10.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
> necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
> labelled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big red button marked
> "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone
> stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not
> clearly be labelled as such.
>
> 11.I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
> destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
>
> 12.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel
> well outside my borders will work just as well.
>
> 13.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
> prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
> enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
>
> 14.I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident --
> I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
>
> 15.I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I
> simply choose not show them any.
>
> 16.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
> in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
> implementation.
>
> 17.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of
> ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
> cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
> celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
>
> 18.My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
> of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
> adhere to any other dress codes.
>
> 19.The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
> form of last request.
>
> 20.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
> such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when
> the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
> operation.
>
> 21.I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
> scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted
> to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
>
> 22.I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
> one thing I want to know."
>
> 23.When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
> advice.
>
> 24.I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
> usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at
> a crucial point in time.
>
> 25.I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
> but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own
> father.
>
> 26.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
> maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
> developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
> accordingly.
>
> 27.I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for
> my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
> them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol
> hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more
> positive mind-set.
>
> 28.No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will
> not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
>
> 29.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
> their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
> generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my
> troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and
> rocks.
>
> 30.I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
> Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will
> never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!"
> (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
>
> 31.No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort
> of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small
> and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
>
> 32.If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate
> enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him
> to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will
> be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
>
> 33.No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there
> is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
> Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
> bedchamber.
>
> 34.I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason
> I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
>
> 35.If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately
> flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from
> there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to
> attempt this.
>
> 36.My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
> escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
>
> 37.Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I
> will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough
> that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good
> structural reason.
>
> 38.I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into
> confusion.
>
> 39.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
> thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will
> surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic
> relief.
>
> 40.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly,
> world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement
> and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
>
> 41.Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a
> secondary character who has given up his/her life through self
> sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
>
> 42.I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
> just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to
> come by.
>
> 43.I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and
> with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in
> the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret
> of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens
> will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
>
> 44.I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a
> stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code.
> Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved
> for formal occasions.
>
> 45.I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting
> into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
>
> 46.I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
>
> 47.I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic.
> Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
>
> 48.I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,
> let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep
> the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out
> copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
>
> 49.If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
> battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
>
> 50.If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
> anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead
> of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengance towards
> me in my old age.
>
> 51.If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the
> forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
> number among his army.
>
> 52.I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
> superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead
> of keeping it in reserve.
>
> 53.Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
> devices.
>
> 54.I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being
> executed.
>
> 55.When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
> ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying
> ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
>
> 56.I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
> beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
> looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on
> my plans.
>
> 57.I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
> for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds
> to give the other guy a sporting chance.
>
> 58.I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be
> neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.
>
> 59.I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
> for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I
> will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price
> for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
>
> 60.If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
> man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
>
> 61.If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will
> slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him
> to mature.
>
> 62.I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
> with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will
> not immediately come after me for revenge.
>
> 63.If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me,
> I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send
> them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the
> local paper.
>
> 64.My main computers will have their own special operating system that
> will be completely incompatable with standard IBM and Macintosh
> powerbooks.
>
> 65.I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While
> elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses,
> they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
>
> 66.If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
> conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer
> him to a less people-oriented position.
>
> 67.I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
> examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
> tunnels that I might not know about.
>
> 68.If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you!
> Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well'' and kill her.
>
> 69.I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
> double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
>
> 70.Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance,
> I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~
If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation...
>
> Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,
> So, Data, please, how far? How far?
>
> Data: Our ship can get there very fast
> But still the trip will last and last
> We'll have two days til we arrive
> But can the Indrans there survive?
>
> Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.
>
> LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!
>
> Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
> Please make it so, please make it so!
>
> Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
> We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
> The danger here is far too great!
>
> Picard: But surely we must not be late!
>
> Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.
>
> Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
>
> Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?
> Who lit the fire?
>
> Riker: Not me.
>
> Worf: Not me.
>
> Picard: Computer, how long til we die?
>
> Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
>
> Data: May I suggest a course to take?
> We could, I think, quite safely make
> Extinguishers from tractor beams
> And stop the fire, or so it seems...
>
> Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
> Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
>
> Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
> You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.
>
> Troi: We still must save the Indran planet --
>
> Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...
>
> Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
> We understand -- we get your gist.
> But can we get our ship to go?
> Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.
>
> Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires
> And that's what started all the fires.
>
> Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
> We need to go! We need to go!
>
> Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
> And lock him up and ask him why?
>
> Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
> I say give him problems dental.
>
> Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
> Have scanners said that they've been found?
> Or is it Borg or some new threat
> We haven't even heard of yet?
> I sense no malice in this crew.
> Now what are we supposed to do?
>
> Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
> They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
> I can't just sit and let them die!
> A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!
>
> Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
>
> Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.
>
>
> *COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
> HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*
>
>
> Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
> He's very strong and very big.
> I had my phaser set on stun --
> A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
> He would not budge, he would not fall,
> He would not stun, no, not at all!
> He changed into a stranger form
> All soft and purple, round and warm.
>
> Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
> Did you see this creature morph?
>
> Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
> Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.
>
> Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
> Our troubles now are at an end!
>
> Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly
> And orbit yonder Indran sky!
>
> Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?
>
> Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.
>
> Picard: Then make it so!
>
>
> THE END
>
~~~~~~~
Bill Gawne
>A Marine Drill Sergeant,
Drill Instructor. The Army has Drill Sergeants. We have Drill Instructors.
>known for his insensitivity and tough demeanor,
>during roll call one day ended his talk with, "Oh, by the way, Kowalski,
>your mother died last night."
Oh come on, it was Jackson, not Kowalski.
>A couple of weeks later, he told another troop in the same manner, "Don't
>bother calling home this week Johnson, your house burned down last night
>and killed your entire family."
and their dog
>Word of these incidents leaked to the Commanding Officer, who called in
>Sergeant Pyrczkovich and counseled him, instructing him to be a bit more
>sensitive to the men.
Uh huh...
>So, after receiving news of the death of Private Lazinsky's grandmother,
>he decided to try another ploy. "Okay, men. Everyone whose grandmother
>is still alive, take one step forward. Not so fast, Lazinsky..."
Y'know, this story has been going around for a long time now. But I
actually once saw it played out. Gunnery Sergeant Myron Foster stood
out in front of the formation one afternoon and used this 'gentle
technique' to let a guy know his car had been smashed in by a forklift.
"Everyone whose car has holes in the door, one step forward!" When
nobody stepped forward he called out, "Gibbs, take one step forward."
(Something tells me he'd been waiting for years to do that.)
--
Bill Gawne - in Callahan's as in real life. <ga...@rosserv.gsfc.nasa.gov>
On the Web: http://heasarc.gsfc.nasa.gov/docs/xte/SOF/bios/bgawne.html
Senior Spacecraft Analyst, RXTE | Disclaimer: Nothing I post in
Science Operations Facility; and retired | alt.callahans represents an official
Master Sergeant, US Marine Corps Reserve.| position of any organization.
Talos
sly...@aol.com wrote:
> One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
> rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence
> laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar,
> trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before
> he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with
> his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove
> off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
>
> The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
> read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
> The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded
> to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm
> the designated decoy."
Reminds me of a party my friend told me about. He was pretty
smashed and went out to his car to get home. Took him about 5
minutes to walk 30 feet to his car, unlock the door and get into
the front seat. He sat there for a good time before a friend
came out from the party to ask him if he was going to drive home.
His response was a deadpan serious tone, "I'll have to, I'm in no
condition to walk."
Rick Talos Young
http://www.pacifier.com/~ryofnqp/
FINAL PERFORMANCE - Sat. Feb 15th, The Ship Tavern
Paul de Anguera
..> God
>looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that
when
organs
>at a time." <...
Haw, haw, haw! What a great collection!
.......................................
The de Anguera family
Paul, Pat, Anna and Alice
----------------------------------------
Seattle, Washington USA
========================================
dean day
when allah created the camel the creature looked up with disdain
and said "God, how could you have made look so ugly? look!
there isn't a single straight line in my body! whereupon the
Creator's face darkened, and he threw the camels genitals at him
with great force, and they lodged in a permanent backwards
position on the impudent beast.
sly...@aol.com
> > Rejected State Mottoes:
> >
> > ALABAMA:
> > Literacy Ain't Everything
> >
> > ARKANSAS:
> > At Least We're not Oklahoma
> >
> > CALIFORNIA:
> > Se Habla Ingles
> >
> > CONNECTICUT:
> > New York City's OTHER Suburb
> >
> > FLORIDA:
> > The Gunshine State
> >
> > IDAHO:
> > Famous Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis >
>
> > ILLINOIS:
> > Gateway to Iowa
> >
> > INDIANA:
> > Home of Dan Quayle
> >
> > KANSAS:
> > Don't Blame Us, We Voted For Dole
> >
> > KENTUCKY:
> > Tobacco is a Vegetable
> >
> > MAINE:
> > For Sale
> >
> > MARYLAND:
> > We're Better Than Virginia, Damn It! >
>
> > MINNESOTA:
> > Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds >
>
> > MONTANA:
> > Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else >
>
> > NEW JERSEY:
> > The Garbage State
> >
> > NEW MEXICO:
> > Lizards Make Excellent Pets
> >
> > NEW YORK:
> > You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an >
> Attorney
> >
> > NORTH CAROLINA:
> > Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names >
>
> > OHIO:
> > Don't Judge us by Cleveland
> >
> > OREGON:
> > Jerry Garcia was here!
> >
> > PENNSYLVANIA:
> > Cook with Coal
> >
> > SOUTH DAKOTA:
> > Closer than North Dakota
> >
> > TENNESSEE:
> > The Educashun State
> >
> > TEXAS:
> > Don't Mess with Texas -- We're Armed >
>
> > UTAH:
> > Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus >
>
> > VIRGINIA:
> > We're Better Than Maryland, Damn It!
> >
> > WASHINGTON:
> > Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp
> >
> > WEST VIRGINIA:
> > Incest is Best
>
>
sly...@aol.com
Slywlf settles back in her usual dark corner of the hottub with
a sigh of relief.
"Those university desk/chairs are just as hard on my back and neck
as I remember, but it was worth it!
Having only one day free, I had to make like the sailors from On The
Town, and see it all in just one day. Well, I did my best. After a late
start, I arrived in time for the panel discussion "Manufacturing God:
creating Religion in SF", with James Morrow (Death of God),
Sandra Morrese, Johns Lee, Betancourt, and Norman, and Barry
Malzberg, who was in a contentious mood (typical? I don't know, as
I've never seen him before). The discussion ranged from the droll to
the ascerbic, and was only minimally enlightening, but very interesting,
as it revealed some personal quirks of each participant. A good start for
the day.
Next was Guest of Honor Joe Haldeman, "Method and Madness", his
description of his working habits, past and present. He seemed less than
completely comfortable speaking, but was measurably better whenever
he strayed from his notes and simply chatted. His description of working
under the (legal at the time) influence of Scopalamine and coffee was
both entertaining and thought-provoking. Especially when he described
getting interupted by the cat, and losing a half hour without even realizing
what had happened. (That happens to me without the benefit of drugs!)
Then came the Babylon 5 panel, a huge room, filled to dangerous overflow.
J M Straczynski (thank goodness for the program - I never could have spelled
that on my own), John Peel, Peter David, and Michael O'Hare were all there
but the audiance hissed when they tried to start without Harlan Ellison,
until they said OK, we'll just sit here till he arrives. That settled everyone
down. Then Harlan arrived in a rush and took over the discussion in his
usual whirlwind fashion, much to the mob er, crowd's delight. Things were
going along swimmingly, when 15 minutes into the discussion, Marvin Kitman
arrived. He was supposed to have been the moderator, but tried too hard and
effectively was ignored into submission by both panel and audiance. It
was fun, and no-one wanted to leave when the time came.
After that I needed a lunch break, and from 3 to 5 ate hotdogs and browsed
the dealers floor, where I collected buttons and (OH HAPPY DAY) filled in
the holes in my collection of Our Founder's works. My long missing copy
of the first Callahans, plus Lady Slings the Booze, and The Callahans Touch,
plus Starmind. Yippee! Needless to say, I was wearing the official T-shirt,
and got stopped every few minutes by someone wanting to know WHERE
DID YOU GET THAT!?!? It was almost embarrassing(ALMOST) to have to (ALMOST )it was a limited edition, but very gratifying to see how many fans
were there who picked up on it. I didn't see anyone else wearing one, so I
don't know if anyone else from our version of The Place was there. If so,
sorry we missed each other. (I was looking. Honest!)
Anyway, after that I dropped my treasures back at the car and spent a couple
hours bopping in and out of Anime presentations, a panel on Anthropomorphics
(I didn't know till the panel was under way just what that was going to be about,
but it was funny enough that I stayed to the end. Fuzzy-love is very strange,
to me, but apparently becoming very popular.)
Finally, at 8:30, Harlan was scheduled to do a reading, and I was practically
in the back row, but he said there were seats down in front, and so I jumped
at the opportunity, and wound up closer than I ever expected - second row,
dead center, scant feet away from the eye of the storm. He wound up having
a 'shmooze-fest' instead of doing the reading originally planned, but no one
was complaining. He told stories, jokes, ranted about the Heavens Gate
cult and the way the media has tried to tar all SF fans with their bad brush
("What do you expect from a group that named themselves after the first big
blockbuster Hollywood bomb?"). He seemed a bit mellower than the last time
I saw him, thanks, I believe, in large part to the influence of his lovely wife
Susan. Mazel Tov, Harlan!
Naturally, there were lots of costumes to be seen, some apparently just
for the fun of it, others more serious, for the various LARP's going on.
All in all, not a bad way to spend a beautiful Saturday."
Slywlf steps off the dais that somehow appeared in the hottub,
and settles back into the comforting warmth of the water.
"I'll be looking forward to hearing anyone elses tales of the con, if
anyone else made it, even if we missed each other."
grammarfascist
I wasn't there, as I didn't know about it; please tell me this one isn't
near enough to New York to make me kick myself.
Speaking of which, was there a LunaCon this year? I'd hate to think that
last year's was the last one, as it was my first, but March has been and
gone and I heard nary a word.
--Rose
And where they left footprints in the snow, flowers bloomed.
"Find what you want. I will find you."
Lightlord
The Lightlord grins. "Yeah, it is a ton-o-fun, isn't it. I make it 3
days every year -- take off work on Friday so I don't miss a thing.
Take my word for it -- it's worth it!
"By-the-way -- At the Ellison Shmoozefest? The Big Guy in the black
trenchcoat and Floppy Brimmed Hat? Full beard?"
"That was me."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle,
and will piss on your computer."
-- Lightlord
NOTE: Remove 'STOP.THE.SPAM. to send me e-mail.
Lightlord
grammarfascist <mic...@kestrel.scs.uiuc.edu> wrote:
>I wasn't there, as I didn't know about it; please tell me this one isn't
>near enough to New York to make me kick myself.
The Lightlord blanches, and says "I cannot tell a lie. It is
reachable from NYC... but it is a 1 hour, 45 minute trip, each way.
That's why I reserve a hotel room."
>Speaking of which, was there a LunaCon this year? I'd hate to think that
>last year's was the last one, as it was my first, but March has been and
>gone and I heard nary a word.
Now the Lightlord really pales. "I thought you knew. It WAS held
last month. Alan Zimmerman had a link to their Web site. WHY DIDN'T
YOU ASK ME??!"
sly...@aol.com
In article <Pine.SOL.3.95.970407061642.26296x-100000@kestrel>, grammarfascist <mic...@kestrel.scs.uiuc.edu> writes:
>I wasn't there, as I didn't know about it; please tell me this one isn't
>near enough to New York to make me kick myself.
Great dismay! Don't do anything that might damage yourself, or
I'll never forgive myself! Actually, I-Con takes place every spring at
Stony Brook University, here on Long Island, though it might be a
little tricky to get there without a car (I am not familiar with the
bus and train schedules for the area- I am further west), but I imagine
it could be gotten to from NYC.
Maybe next year, if all things are still somewhat similar, arrangements
could be made to meet at the Huntington train station, and make the
rest of the trip together in my car. BTW, this offer would extend to
any Callihanians, up to 4 altogether, who cared to make the jaunt
that being the max a Saturn could handle. Oh well, I'll make the offer
when the time comes, so no-one has to try to remember. I'll
also try to discover what manner of public transport to the University
is available, for anyone who needs it. Sorry you missed it!
Lightlord
sly...@aol.com wrote:
>Great dismay! Don't do anything that might damage yourself, or
>I'll never forgive myself! Actually, I-Con takes place every spring at
>Stony Brook University, here on Long Island, though it might be a
>little tricky to get there without a car (I am not familiar with the
>bus and train schedules for the area- I am further west), but I imagine
>it could be gotten to from NYC.
The CON site is actually RIGHT NEXT TO a Long Island Railroad station
-- that's how I get there every year. The real problem is getting to
the Hotel afterward... the shuttle busses stop running at midnite, and
I'm the kind of person who likes a lot of the late-night programming
they have there...
Kit Peters
Slywlf (sly...@aol.com) wrote:
Ok, here's a slightly modified version of one I heard many moons ago:
Once upon a time, a pioneer woman was settling in the Wild West with her
husband. The wild west being the wild place it was, her husband soon
caught a horrible disease and died. Alone and bereaved, the woman
resolved to live out her life alone.
One day, her house was raided by an impetuous Native American boy, who,
owing to an overprotective mother, had never seen a woman before other
that his mother. When he saw the pioneer woman, he was moved. He
experienced feelings he'd never felt before. And so, he announced in his
most manly voice, "I want sex!" (he had learned the term from some Sioux
boys who lived near their camp, and was eager to try it out.)
The woman, amused, replied, "Do you know how?"
Abashed, the boy answered with a surly "No."
Gently, the woman said, "Go out and practice on a tree or something.
Then come back and see me."
The boy left, and many moons passed. The woman had almost forgotten
about the boy, until one day he returned, announcing, "I know how now. I
want sex!"
Still quite amused, the woman went into her bedroom and lay down. The
boy followed, and began to poke around inside her with a stick.
"W-What are you doing?" The woman asked.
The boy replied proudly, "I'm not stupid. I'm checking for bees."
Kit
Slywlf
Just a couple more. The first may be familiar, the second, I doubt it.
Either way, enjoy!
>
>How many times has someone said to you....."You don" know Jack
>Schitt."
>This phrase is commonly used by Americans in case if a heated
>argument
>to let the other guy know that he knows nothing. Now, you will know
>the entire
>story..........
>
>Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt,
>the fertilizer
>magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn-Schitt.
> Jack Schitt
>eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six
>children.
>
>Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next
>came twin sons,
>Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt and then two daughters, Fulla Schitt and
>Giva Schitt.
>Their final child, another son, named Bull Schitt.
>
>In the meantime, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
>dropout.
>Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt.
>
>Fula Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers. The
>Schitt-Happens
>children are Dawg Schitt, Bird Schitt and Horace Schitt.
>
>Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt and they are
>expecting the
>arrival of Baby Schitt.
>So, now you know Jack Schitt and his family, in case someone asks.
>
>
>
>Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air
>Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. These are
>problem
>listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
>> >> >>
>Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
>Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
>> >> >>
>Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
>Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
>> >> >>
>Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
>Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
>Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
>> >> >>
>Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
>Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
>> >> >>
>Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
>Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
>> >> >>
>Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
>Solution: "Evidence removed."
>> >> >>
>Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
>Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
>> >> >>
>Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
>Solution: "Live bugs on order."
>> >> >>
>Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
>descent."
>Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
>> >> >>
>Problem: "IFF inoperative."
>Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
>> >> >>
>Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
>Solution: "That's what they're there for."
>> >> >>
>Problem: "Number three engine missing."
>Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
>> >
>
Slywlf
Here's a filched funny... actually I found it in another
newsgroup and am re-posting it here with the author's
approval.
**********************************************************************
Top Ten Things Men should _*NOT*_ say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
**********************************************************************
#10 The Miracle What?? This is better than world peace!!
#9 No, Thanks .... just sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room, going blind.
#7 Mom will love this!
#6 Do you have this with a Chicago Bulls Logo on it?
#5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
... And the number one thing that a man should never, ever, say
out loud in Victoria's secret:
#1 Does this come in children's sizes?
*********************************************************************
R. Wald
In article <5l7ugp$7si$1...@izzy4.izzy.net>,
Sanford E. Walke IV <se...@izzy5.izzy.net> wrote:>I've said this.
Did you say this
(a) to a woman you were shopping with who was romantically attached to you
(b) to the clerk
(c) to a random woman who just happened to be passing by?
Just curious.
-Rivka
--
________________________________________________________________________
Rebecca L. Wald | "If you're about to have sex for the first time,
graduate student | and you're a werewolf, it's okay to be embarrassed."
U Iowa Psych Dept.| -Will Shetterly, "Nevernever"