The Snow Blower
Frank Reid
out a chainsaw just to fish. You just cut a 3 foot circle in the ice
and then a 25 foot long, one foot wide slot leading to the circle.
Bob's your uncle, you can fly fish in the Winter in Nebraska.
But first, you have to get by the blizzards. Yes, I said the ugly
word, blizzard.
For those of you that have never experienced a blizzard, go to your
favorite ski slope at night. When they turn on the snow making
machine, place a 50' wide fan behind it and crank it up to hurricane.
Now stand there in the -10 degree weather with this in your face for 3
days. This is a blizzard. Wind chills down so low, atoms slow down.
The upside, your mother-in-law will stay in West Palm Beach for
Christmas instead of camping out in your spare bedroom.
Tuesday, we were scheduled to open Nebraska's Donner Party Season with
a bit of wind and snow. Everyone makes a mad dash to the grocery store
for toilet paper and milk. The only reason I can figure for this
important combination is that folks sit around in their snow forts and
make cocoa from chocolate-flavored ExLax. Just don't ask about the
marshmallows. Really.. Don't.
Tuesday morning dawns and I call the snow line for work. SNOW DAY!
Bonus. Lets get the snow blower up to speed. I then remember the fun
of using a snow blower in the wind. The snow comes back in your face,
covering you from head to foot, you end up looking like the looser in
a chainsaw ice block carving contest (I love chainsaws).
Hmm, okay, up in the man cave over the garage is a box with a cab for
my snow blower that I bought on Summer clearance sale a couple of
years before. I get the thing down and install it on the snow blower.
It is a three-sided cab made of clear plastic with a steel tube frame
that mounts on the handle bars. You put it on, step into the open back
and plow away. Great.
I take it out for the first test run that afternoon. Snow has covered
my 120' driveway and I clear it away. Wind is at about 5 to 10 mph,
snow blows back at me. Nothing, nada. Face is clear. Thing works like
a charm.
Wednesday... another snow day. The difference being is that the wind
has circled around from the North, the isobars tightened up and its
howling. Snow's not coming down, its coming sideways. Three to five
foot drifts cover my yard with two feet of blown snow over the
driveway.
This is what my serious snow blowing machine was made for. Nine horse
Brigs and Stratton behind a 29" throat, dual stage, six gears forward,
two in reverse, power-drive, electric-start monster. Now outfitted
with the ever important cab. Bwahahahaha!
I start up the driveway, wind swirls, blowing the snow 50 feet into
the air. A few crystals make it past the cab, but nothing like it
would be without it.
I have about 3/4 of the drive done and am making passes up and down.
On about the sixth pass, I turn the beast around in the street... and
then... a 50 mph gust catches the cab from behind just as I pull the
lever down to engage the power drive. The snow blower is now rocket
propelled. It shoots forward, pulling me off my feet. I'm holding onto
the handlebars as the monster goes mach snot down the driveway pulling
me behind it. I'm now stretched out behind it with my knees and toes
making dual tracks in the snow. The Dickies insulated coveralls burst
into flame, finally warming my frozen feet. I'm am a snow blowing
comet!
The snow chute on the machine spins like a top. Snow shooting out in
all directions, flames out the back, the snow cone maker from Hell has
a life of its own.
I blast a chunk of snow through the neighbor's window, instantly
frosting his Christmas tree. More comes out the chute, not just snow,
but the newspaper. Its a frozen missile that takes out 17 tobaggeners
two blocks over. Its like bowling with a shotput.
The crazed ice yacht takes the path of least resistance and whips
around the house where the wind has cleared the snow. I crash through
the fence, streaming wire like a Rorshach Christmas garland. I zip
through the back yard where the dog does his business. Now the thing
has become an instrument of mass destruction. Its shooting out icy
B.M.s.
The dog is running for its life. I'm afraid he's not going to make it.
He then decides its a game and jumps for the snow coming out the top.
Snow shoots down his throat, out the back end and writes Froehliche
Weihnachten in Chinese characters on the side of the house (he's half
dachsund, half Maltese).
And finally, as I'm about to crash through the garage, the cab flips
over on top of the snowblower. The snow blower glides ever so calmly
to a stop, I get to my feet, turn the machine into the wind, flip the
cab back up before it can burst into flames from the heat of the
motor, dump snow on my smoldering knees (hey, these coveralls look
better in charcoal black), examine the pedicure on my toes, wonder
where my boots are, and turn off the machine.
The dog comes over and looks at me with that look of disapointment
only a dog can muster. He pees on my leg.
I wheel the snow blower into the garage, wander into the house, and
buy a one-way ticket for the Bahamas. Never again.
Frank Reid
Chris Zakes
laser caused Frank Reid <flyt...@gmail.com> to write:
(snip snowblower horror story)
May I recommend to your auditory enjoyment a song called "No Snow
Never" by Craig of Farrington:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaKqXAphaRs
(or downloadable--for a fee--here:
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/craigoffarrington)
-Chris Zakes
Texas
Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.
-Oliver Wendell Holmes
Old Prof. Otter
Cool story. Very.
Watch out for the Snow Sharks.
(as in There's no sharks here.)
Kay Shapero
40d031...@g25g2000vbl.googlegroups.com>, flyt...@gmail.com says...
> Okay, for a fly fisherman, its getting close to when I have to pull
> out a chainsaw just to fish. You just cut a 3 foot circle in the ice
> and then a 25 foot long, one foot wide slot leading to the circle.
in Los Angeles for a long time to come... :)
--
Kay Shapero
address munged, email kay at following domain
http://www.kayshapero.net
Frank Reid
> etc. Snerk! Good story. Offhand, I believe I shall continue to live
> in Los Angeles for a long time to come... :)
Grew up in Chino. After 11 years here in Nebraska, I'm still
learnin'.
Frank Reid
David
<flyt...@gmail.com> typed:
What is this snow and blizzard of which you write? It must be a
figment of your imagination as I have never seen anything like that in
South Australia.
--
David
No email replies please.
Knucklehead:"Knock, knock" Pee Wee:"Who's there?" Knucklehead:"Little
ol' lady." Pee Wee:"Liddle ol' lady who?" Knucklehead:"I didn't know
you could yodel"
Captain Jack
34bc-4f81-8b4...@g25g2000vbl.googlegroups.com:
> Okay, for a fly fisherman, its getting close to when I have to pull
> out a chainsaw just to fish. You just cut a 3 foot circle in the ice
> and then a 25 foot long, one foot wide slot leading to the circle.
> Bob's your uncle, you can fly fish in the Winter in Nebraska.
> But first, you have to get by the blizzards. Yes, I said the ugly
> word, blizzard.
<snip>
Subject: RECYCLED HUMOR Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took
our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My
neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but
I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff
so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in the Yukon, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my behind on the ice in the Driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for An hour, which I
think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere .Electricity
was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing
to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last
night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white **** fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to whizz. By the time I got undressed, whizzed and dressed
again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on
his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think
the jerk is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me
to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I
was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a gun who drives
that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his shorts and beat
him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner
and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street
at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open
our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -Snowed
in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then
the snowplow driver came by asking for a Donation and I hit him over the
head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
a fricking idiot. If I have To watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more
time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It Was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14
hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WIFE is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me
for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for
trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his behind. The wife went home
to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
Jim Hetley
wrote:
> Frank Reid <flytye...@gmail.com> screamed into the night news:61329d77-
> 34bc-4f81-8b4a-40d031f99...@g25g2000vbl.googlegroups.com:
Sounds like they guy lived in Maine . . .
Jim
Chris Zakes
caused David <faro...@picknowl.com.au> to write:
>On Sat, 12 Dec 2009 09:35:51 -0800 (PST), Frank Reid
><flyt...@gmail.com> typed:
>
>>
>>> etc. �Snerk! �Good story. �Offhand, I believe I shall continue to live
>>> in Los Angeles for a long time to come... �:)
>>
>>Grew up in Chino. After 11 years here in Nebraska, I'm still
>>learnin'.
>>Frank Reid
>
>What is this snow and blizzard of which you write? It must be a
>figment of your imagination as I have never seen anything like that in
>South Australia.
As i understand it, "snow" is something like a really bad dust storm,
only much colder.
-Chris Zakes
Texas
I hallucinate gently for a living.
-Terry Pratchett
David
typed:
How much colder? I've seen dust storms at 40+�C temperatures as well
as ones at 5-�C. ;-)}}}
--
David
No email replies please.
Q:Why do WASPs play golf ? A:So they can dress like pimps.
Frank Reid
outside without cleats. It will hang around too. High for Tuesday
will be 8 F with windchill around -25. For those folks in non-snow
locations that think it is so wonderful, the city of Omaha will be at
your house in a few hours with hundreds of truck loads of snow. We
are running out of room to dump it. All this time off from work comes
out of my vacation.
Grumble, grouch, %%^^%$#^*&&^(*&^t(&$*%(t^&(*^&)*&$$%#%$#.
RANT off.
Frank Reid
Captain Jack
11ca-4685-812...@p8g2000yqb.googlegroups.com:
I've always thought snow was beautiful...as long as it's a picture on TV
and I'm home warm & safe.
My view of winter changes radically as soon as I have to actually go
OUTSIDE in the (*^$%#& stuff...
Bring back summer!!!!!
The Cap'n
Frank Reid
> My view of winter changes radically as soon as I have to actually go
> OUTSIDE in the (*^$%#& stuff...
>
> Bring back summer!!!!!
My bride was on her way to work this a.m. when someone cut her off,
sending her into a snow bank. After getting cleared, she decided to
head home. On the way, whilst 50 yards behind another vehicle, she
was passed at speed by a car and a truck. The truck spun out, takeing
out the car in front of the truck with his tailgate. He then nailed
the car in front of my wife with his front end.
My wife down shifted (thank heavens for a 5 speed), so she didn't have
to brake, and was able to slalom between the spinning vehicles. A
county sheriff watched the whole thing from a closed weigh station and
was there is seconds.
Ice sucks. Snow on top of ice is deadly. I wonder if I can
telecommute from Brisbane.
Kay Shapero
@f16g2000yqm.googlegroups.com>, flyt...@gmail.com says...
Yeeps! I think your wife would want to do likewise...
I was once riding in a car that hit a patch of ice on the freeway and
skidded sideways into a shallow creek. Fortunately there were a number
of us on board - I wound up steering while everybody else pushed it out.
And if it had happened about ten meters further on I wouldn't be writing
this message on account of THAT was next to a big concrete overpass...
One more reason I don't live in snow country. :)
Wes Struebing
I'll drink to that! What's yer poison, Cap'n? Mike, whatever he
wants tonight!
(and a handful of shekels finds its way into the cigar box)
--
Wes Struebing
I pledge allegiance to the Constitution of the United States of America,
and to the republic which it established, one nation from many peoples,
promising liberty and justice for all.
Homepage: www.carpedementem.org
linkedin profile: http://www.linkedin.com/in/wesstruebing