The Thanksgiving Beast
Ned Ludd
with some friends and their kids/grandkids, and had the pleasure of
discovering a new lunch meat - Turkey Ham. Mary and I wondered what
kind of beast this came from, and over the next few days (before we
discovered that there is no HAM in Turkey Ham), we created the tale
of the Hamturkey for the edification of the youngsters (and because
there was no TV available). - Ned
---
THE HAMTURKEY
There is a beast that lives in the hills of northern California,
and nowhere else on earth. A terrible and horrifying beast, it is
the scourge of man and animal alike, yet its meat - if it can be
conquered - is the sweetest and most succulent to be found. It is
known as the Hamturkey. Few trackers have seen the Hamturkey
and lived. The last thing a tracker hears before being torn to
shreds is "Oink, oink, gobble!" Often, all that will be found of
the tracker afterward is his fingernails.
The Hamturkey is seven feet tall and weighs over 500 pounds. It
has two 12-inch tusks jutting upward from its lower jaw and a huge
curved upper and lower beak. Its four enormous legs end in cloven
hooves, the two front hooves each tipped with two 6-inch razor-sharp
talons, and the rear hooves each tipped with three equally-sharp
8-inch talons. It has a six-foot cork-screw tail ending in an arched
saber-like claw. Six small horns protrude from the sides of its head,
and a foot-long rhinoceros horn juts from the center of its forehead.
Its large, hypnotic eyes have vertical snake-like slits for pupils.
And it has two small vestigial wings:
http://i47.tinypic.com/ncnj0i.jpg
The rare tracker who can take down a Hamturkey invariably hunts
with a pack of dogs, for the only vulnerable point on the whole body
of the beast is a small patch of skin on its throat under its tusks.
For the Hamturkey is ticklish; and if a dog can lick that sensitive
spot on its neck, the Hamturkey is rendered helpless with laughter.
The hunter then springs forward and strokes the feathered neck along
with the dogs, throwing the Hamturkey into paroxysms of mirth, and
it dies laughing. No wonder the meat costs $4.50 a pound.
---
Hidden Draggin
Great stuff...added to my blog
--
Hidden Draggin - Gilbert Hansford
Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
http://twitter.com/hiddendraggin
http://hiddendraggin.posterous.com/
Hidden Draggin
>
> Great stuff...added to my blog
http://hiddendraggin.posterous.com/the-fearsome-and-delicious-hamturkey-picture
Ned Ludd
"Hidden Draggin" <an...@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:hemf6t$rkv$1...@news.eternal-september.org...
Thanks. I forwarded your graphic of the Zombie Baby to a
friend (the other daughter of the couple we were with in
northern California) who has two kids, one four and one just
under two, and who has a blog where she has been spinning out
a chain of woes for the last couple of months, itemizing all
the crap and misery that her little ones torment her with day
after day. I titled the email with the zombie baby:
"Parenting - Summary."
Ned