One Ring To Rule Them All, Jeeves
Tom Holt
from Mole <pa...@countertenor.demon.co.uk> contains these words:
> Come along to Borders, Cambridge, on Saturday June 19th 2004, and from
> 9am-10pm or any part thereof, and join the Fellowship once again! The
> Cambridge Tolkien Society is reading the FULL RADIO PLAY ADAPTATION of
> Lord of the Rings, in aid of the National Trust.
Seeing this epic announcement after an evening spent reading 'The Code
Of The Woosters' left me speculating on how LotR would've ended if P G
Wodehouse had written it, rather than JRR Tolkien.
Scene; Mount Doom. Bertie Wooster and Jeeves discovered sitting on a
rock engulfed on all sides in fiery molten lava.
BW: Well, Jeeves, here we are, what?
J: Indeed, sir.
BW: I have to say, Jeeves, that the o. is looking a trifle g.
J: Quite, sir. Most disturbing.
BW: That's putting it mildly, Jeeves. Dash it all, here we are on this
bally mountain, with the sky falling in and hell's foundations
quivering. It's all looking more than a little squiffy, if you ask me
J: Very much so, sir
BW: On the other hand, we owe it to ourselves to look on the bright side.
J: Sir?
BW: I mean, true, certain death may loom and we may be going down for
the third time in the old cock-a-leekie, but at least I'm not going to
have to marry Madeline Basset.
J: Very true, sir
BW. Or Florence Craye. Or, come to that, Honoria Glossop.
J: There is that aspect to the situation, sir.
BW: So really, it could be worse.
J: Arguably, sir. Might I suggest a tourniquet for your hand, sir?
BW: You could manage that?
J: I believe such an article could be improvised from, say, one of your socks.
BW: Not the purple ones, Jeeves.
J; Sir?
BW; You've never liked those purple socks of mine, Jeeves. I've seen you
looking at them as if they were something you'd found under a flat
stone.
J: If I might be pardoned for saying so, the sacrifice, though
considerable, would appear to be justified in the circumstances, sir.
BW; Oh, very well, Jeeves. Tournique away.
J; Thank you, sir.
BW: I don't know, Jeeves. Who'd have thought Sir Watkyn Basset would've
turned out to be the Dark Lord?
J: With hindsight, sir, the contingency was one that might well have
been anticipated. It was fortuitous, in the event, that you were able to
convince Mr Spode to leap into the fire, holding the One Cow-Creamer.
BW: Eulalie, bless her.
J: Quite, sir. Otherwise, the consequences might have been most regrettable.
BW; Just goes to show, really. Like Aunt Dahlia said, even Spode may yet
have something to do.
J: A most acute observation, sir.
BW; Looking back, I'm not sure I could've done it myself, Jeeves. It's
like that thing you came out with the other day.
J: Sir?
BW: Cats came into it, as I recall.
J:Letting I dare not wait upon I would, sir, like the poor cat i' the adage.
BW; I', Jeeves? You mean ‘in', surely.
J: No, sir. The terminal consonant is elided for purposes of euphony.
BW: Is it? Well, anyway, that's all done and dusted. I'm glad you're
here with me, don't you know. Here at the end of all things, Jeeves.
Jenny Radcliffe
> The message <+zFYsOD3...@countertenor.demon.co.uk>
> from Mole <pa...@countertenor.demon.co.uk> contains these words:
> > Come along to Borders, Cambridge, on Saturday June 19th 2004, and
> > from 9am-10pm or any part thereof, and join the Fellowship once
> > again! The Cambridge Tolkien Society is reading the FULL RADIO PLAY
> > ADAPTATION of Lord of the Rings, in aid of the National Trust.
> Seeing this epic announcement after an evening spent reading 'The Code
> Of The Woosters' left me speculating on how LotR would've ended if P G
> Wodehouse had written it, rather than JRR Tolkien.
<snip plausible scene>
<recovers from giggles>
I thought I should ask before acting; do you have any objection to me
submitting this for alt.humour.best-of-usenet? Only it would be highly
justified ...
Just what I needed. I shall now be returning to the report that's due
tomorrow, and wishing I had a Jeeves to help me to deal with the fact that I
decided earlier this evening that my keyboard wanted some caffiene, too.
Jenny
mjri...@earthlink.net
wrote:
This was received with many giggles both here and in Blacksburg, where
the "kid" is finishing up odds and ends. By a strange coincidence,
while I was browsing through Borders today I came across a number of
Wodehouse books including a collection of short stories that I'd never
seen before including the earliest Bertie stories. I bought it and
Mike was reading it aloud earlier this evening. Aunt Agatha has a
living husband and Bertie has been sent off to America to rescue
Cousin Gussie from a vaudeville player.
Jackie
Melody S-K
"Tom Holt" <lemmi...@zetnet.co.uk> wrote
news:200406032...@zetnet.co.uk...
Seeing this epic announcement after an evening spent reading
'The Code Of The Woosters' left me speculating on how LotR
would've ended if P G Wodehouse had written it, rather than
JRR Tolkien.
*Snippage*
*giggles hysterically*
I have forwarded that post to Stephen who is, as you might remember,
a massive Wodehouse fan...
Thank you Tom ...excellent fun :)
Melody
--
BB
Rafe Culpin
Holt) wrote:
> Scene; Mount Doom. Bertie Wooster and Jeeves discovered sitting on a
> rock engulfed on all sides in fiery molten lava.
Giggle!
You do realise you'll now have to write the rest, don't you?
Cassandra Claire, eat your heart out!
--
To reply email rafe, at the address cix co uk
Belsambar
news:200406032...@zetnet.co.uk:
> how LotR would've ended if P G
> Wodehouse had written it, rather than JRR Tolkien.
>
>
> Scene [deleted]
Delightful. I snipped it for the abthite-site :P
--
TTFN,
B.
Village Villain
He of the 248 Henchgirls In Spandex(TM)
Keeper of www.abthite.net
anon...@firedrake.org
>Scene; Mount Doom. Bertie Wooster and Jeeves discovered sitting on a
>rock engulfed on all sides in fiery molten lava.
[snip for the prevention of further c/k interface moments]
This has now been given the Naval Seal Of Approval; the Tall Naval Youth
stood around in the kitchen not washing up and slapping his knees with glee
as he read a printout.
The reason he has a weekend leave is that his ship is in drydock at the
moment, in a shed, having chewing-gum put into the hole in the side where
the water was going to come in somewhat if nothing was done about it, so
the wardroom are a bit bored and he feels they would appreciate your golden
words.
He says, "Permission to post this in the wardroom, please, Sir?"
Beetle
Cartographer, Bombardier, Weather Witch and Village Storekeeper
Selling atonal apples, and amplified heat, and Pressed Rat's
collection of dog-legs and feet. Coffee mornings a speciality.
Tom Holt
from "Jenny Radcliffe" <je...@durge.org> contains these words:
> I thought I should ask before acting; do you have any objection to me
> submitting this for alt.humour.best-of-usenet?
Bless you. Be my guest.
Tom Holt
from nos...@see.sig.to.reply (Rafe Culpin) contains these words:
> You do realise you'll now have to write the rest, don't you?
Nah. Very much a funny-once.
The parallels between the two opus go quite deep, when you think about
it; the same wistful nostalgia for an ideal, heroic past that never
actually existed. I've always had a feeling that Lothlorien is in Dover
Street, and a fair bit of lembas gets thrown about at lunchtime. There
is also the matter of Elrond's prize pig.
Tom Holt
from anon...@firedrake.org contains these words:
> He says, "Permission to post this in the wardroom, please, Sir?"
Make it so.
Matthew Francis
wrote:
>Seeing this epic announcement after an evening spent reading 'The Code
>Of The Woosters' left me speculating on how LotR would've ended if P G
>Wodehouse had written it, rather than JRR Tolkien.
Of course, this also begs the question of how "The Code of the
Woosters" might have ended had J. R. R. Tolkien written it...
--
Matthew Francis
Melody S-K
"Tom Holt" <lemmi...@zetnet.co.uk> wrote
news:200406042...@zetnet.co.uk...
*Swoon*
He does Picard impressions as well ......
Melody
--
BB
anon...@firedrake.org
>In article <200406042...@zetnet.co.uk>,
>Tom Holt <lemmi...@zetnet.co.uk> wrote:
>>There is also the matter of Elrond's prize pig.
>Um. Pig jars slightly. A prize ibex, perhaps?
Pigs have a great deal more brain and character than do deer with silly
head-ornamentation. What use to anyone is an ibex, and why on earth would
one keep such a thing, and who would give prizes for such a dimwitted
proceeding?
Pigs, now, pigs is *practical*.
Are you suggesting that Elrond is an idiot? Shame upon you.
I shall set Patricia the Learned Pig onto you next time you venture into
the Lundy yard.
Paul B.
choice for Elrond the Half-Elven?
The Junior Ganymede used to met at The Ivy Bush, out on the Bywater road...
Au Res.,
Paul
--
http://www.efbenson.co.uk/
http://www.paulbines.co.uk
http://www.convergent-diversity.co.uk/
Blogs: http://paulbines.blogspot.com
http://cardboardworld.blogspot.com/
Paul B.
As the assembly pondered the events of the night, one of the serving men of
the realm of Bassett appeared, bearing before him the helm of Oates, and did
recount the tale of it's finding. Frodo Wooster, the once and future ass,
had been seen dropping it out of the tower in which he had been residing and
no denial on hispart could be accepted, despite the Queen Dahlia's attempts
to provide an alternative to the sorry tale. Wooster was in a hard place,
and the times seemed to him dark. At that moment, however, did appear
Spode, son of Spode, and at once did he admit to the taking of the Helm of
Oates, and upon this, Basset, King of Totleigh did release Wooster from his
imprisonment, and further, did repay all debts incurred and fines imposed.
And Wooster was puzzled by this turn of events, and mused on the subject,
until Samwise Jeeves revealed that Spode, an ally of dwarves and men, did
(in secret) design Elven clothes, and stepped forth to ensure that this be
kept secret, lest he lose the support of the dwarves and men in his attempt
to become Kin of the West.
Frodo Wooster retired to his bed and, at the end, found the peace he had so
sorely craved throughout the adventure.
Melody S-K
"Paul B." <p.a....@spambtinternettrap.com>
news:c9sf9r$q7u$1...@titan.btinternet.com...
> Ahem.
*snippage*
*Applause*
*giggles*
Melody
--
BB
Rafe Culpin
> BW: I mean, true, certain death may loom and we may be going down for
> the third time in the old cock-a-leekie, but at least I'm not going to
> have to marry Madeline Basset.
> J: Very true, sir
> BW. Or Florence Craye. Or, come to that, Honoria Glossop.
It's amazing what you can come across on Google.
Like a report on the geography of the planet Venus, at
http://www.es.ucl.ac.uk/research/planetaryweb/undergraduate/dom/fortuna/for
tuna.htm
(watch the wrap)
> Though only one feature - Jadwiga - in this area has been officially
> named, other features have been given provisional names for the purposes
> of simplifying description during this discourse (windstreaks have simply
> been numbered north to south). These names are unofficial but remain true
> to the rule for naming Cytherean features (all are female names), and are
> taken from the works of P.G.Wodehouse. Specifically they are the names of
> women who are related to, have been betrothed to, or have otherwise
> caused trouble to the fictional character Bertie Wooster. Beyond the
> context of this report these names should be ignored.
Tom Holt
from nos...@see.sig.to.reply (Rafe Culpin) contains these words:
> > Specifically they are the names of
> > women who are related to, have been betrothed to, or have otherwise
> > caused trouble to the fictional character Bertie Wooster. Beyond the
> > context of this report these names should be ignored.
And if that's not immortality, I don't know what is...
John Dallman
> > You do realise you'll now have to write the rest, don't you?
> Nah. Very much a funny-once.
Well ... you've written
"I am the very model of a modern Numenorian;"
"and of course Gollum, who always seems bigger because of the bounces."
and quite a few other bits. LOTR re-told as fifty separate parodies?
---
John Dallman, village zombie and fish-and-chip-cart operator.
peg...@rogers.com
wrote:
>Seeing this epic announcement after an evening spent reading 'The Code
>Of The Woosters' left me speculating on how LotR would've ended if P G
>Wodehouse had written it, rather than JRR Tolkien.
>
>
You'd think that I'd have learned by now not to read anything before
I've had my coffee..
Oh dear.
Now I have to print this off and read it to my husband.
_____
Postperson Peggi
(Who is currently listening to "Timothy Leary's Dead" 'cuz she finally
got to see the moody blues live last night.....)
Steve Glover
anon...@firedrake.org writes
>Pigs, now, pigs is *practical*.
Unless transcendent, of course...
Steve
--
Steve Glover, Fell Services Ltd. Available
Weblog at http://weblog.akicif.net/blogger.html
Home: steve at fell.demon.co.uk, 0131 551 3835
Away: steve.glover at ukonline.co.uk, 07961 446 902
Harry Payne
>In article <20040605095809....@firedrake.org>,
>anon...@firedrake.org writes
>>Pigs, now, pigs is *practical*.
>
>Unless transcendent, of course...
I would never accuse the Transcendent Pig of being anything other than
practical. It may be obscure at times, but it's practical.
--
Harry
Village Miller
Grains ground - wood and metal turned - batteries charged.
Jen Birren
> In article <20040605095809....@firedrake.org>,
> anon...@firedrake.org writes
> >Pigs, now, pigs is *practical*.
>
> Unless transcendent, of course...
I read that as "pigs is *piratical*. Unless transcendent, of course".
Who can forget the tales of the ship Black Tusk and its crew of
half-crazed boars? Driven on by greed and fear of their captain, the
evil one-eyed Jambon, they were the terror of law-abiding seacritters
for many a long year. Even now unruly salt-marsh lambs are warned to
be good or Hambone will get 'em. 'Tis said that those who merely heard
the grunts across the water could never sleep again, while the few who
had survived an attack could only groan "the trotters! The terrible
trotters!"
Jen
The Woodlice
Jen Birren <jana...@hotmail.com> wrote:
(among other good stuff)
>...the few who
>had survived an attack could only groan "the trotters! The terrible
>trotters!"
<tip-toe carefully past the pigsty>
The Woodlice
anon...@firedrake.org
>Steve Glover wrote ...
>> In article <20040605095809....@firedrake.org>,
>> anon...@firedrake.org writes
>> >Pigs, now, pigs is *practical*.
>> Unless transcendent, of course...
>I read that as "pigs is *piratical*. Unless transcendent, of course".
Well, and so they are.
>Who can forget the tales of the ship Black Tusk and its crew of
>half-crazed boars? Driven on by greed and fear of their captain, the
>evil one-eyed Jambon, they were the terror of law-abiding seacritters
>for many a long year. Even now unruly salt-marsh lambs are warned to
>be good or Hambone will get 'em. 'Tis said that those who merely heard
>the grunts across the water could never sleep again, while the few who
>had survived an attack could only groan "the trotters! The terrible
>trotters!"
Ar. That would be why our very own Learned Pig, Patricia, left the sea:
'twas when Jambon cast a beady eye in her direction that she betook herself
inland and arrived in the village of Abthite, her meagre worldly goods tied
up in a red-and-white spotty hanky held over her shoulder using her cutlass
as a stick for the purpose; her being a respectable Merchant sea-hog with
no interest whatever in the likes of *him*, it seemed good to her to remove
herself from any port he might visit.
His loss, our gain.
Tom Holt
from anon...@firedrake.org contains these words:
> her meagre worldly goods tied
> up in a red-and-white spotty hanky held over her shoulder using her cutlass
> as a stick for the purpose
Whence derives the term 'cutlass'. (NB, when the instrument in question
is used by gentlemen for this purpose, the correct nomenclature is
'cutlad')