Double Raspberries

[ROBBIE]

Double Raspberries

Jamie Sping, junior policy development officer (feeder grade 2,
civilian; lower quartile), media unit, Ministry of Defence, was
playing a computer game in the office of his immediate superior, Dylan
Banner (upper quartile, civilian; pension grade 3), a senior policy
advisor liaising between Number 10 and the Ministry of Defence. Banner
stood behind him eating a small triangle-shaped egg and cress sandwich
– a leftover from the lunchtime meeting on fresh media approaches to
the war in Afghanistan.
“Has this got the motionplus feature?”
“Nah,” said Sping. “I did order it but this came instead. It’s
crap.”
“Grab the sea-trike: you get points.”
“No, extra life.”
“Well, pick it up.”
“Shit, missed.”
“You’re crap.”
Banner wandered over to the window, chewing. Through the net
curtains he could see the back of a statue. Traffic passed along
Whitehall.
“I felt like shite in there today,” said Banner. “The Prime Minister
was on one.”
“Heavy weekend?”
“Went to Platitude.”
“Who was on?”
“Kung-Fu Jesus headlined – you know, Jody Crunj’s band, he was the
drummer in Cyst.”
“Wicked.”
“Like, I grew up on Cyst. Soundtrack to my teens. Wild night. Got
very messy. Done some pills that were like pink callies in the 90s.
’Course, I was mashed all the way back from Oxfordshire – couldn’t
even dismantle the tent, left it there – and then everyone ended up
round ours and we drank everything I had in the flat. Absolutely
battered. Regretted it this morning. Tube was all fucked. Held vom
till Waterloo. A mountain of shit waiting for me here.”
Sping laughed. “Bollocks: missed the sea-trike again. Have you got
through the zombie swimming pool bit? If you blow their arms off
before their heads you get double raspberries.”
The door to Banner’s office opened and Stubb, Ministry-to-Army media
policy liaison officer (feeder grade four, civilian; median), walked
in. He looked harassed.
“Sebastian’s going apeshit downstairs. His boyfriend’s lost his
dog.”
Sebastian was their nickname for a prominent member of the
government.
“What’s he still doing here anyway?’ asked Sping. “The meeting
finished three hours ago.”
“Because he’s an interfering cunt. Been in an office downstairs with
the PM. Kicked up a stink about combing the room for bugs. The dog
must have come this way, because there’s a turd out there, so watch
out.”
“Who’d be interested in listening to those two?” asked Banner. “I
suppose the Taleban might like to get advanced warning on which bands
will be playing Kabul?”
“Eh?”
“That was one of the things that came out of the lunchtime meeting,”
said Banner. “Sebastian reckoned a rock concert in Kabul would be a
‘publicity coup for the West’. ‘Bring people together’, ‘show the
West’s good side.’”
“You jest?” asked Sping, turning round.
“Nope. Sebastian’s full of radical ideas at the moment. Maybe he’s
in love. He said: ‘it’ll be like the old days.’”
“What does he mean by that?”
“Fuck knows. When this government was popular, perhaps?”
“Have you seen either his boyfriend or the dog?” asked Stubb
irritably, “because I’ve been roped in to looking for them.”
“You might get a knighthood if you find them,” said Banner.
A thick-necked sergeant-major, in his 40s, passed down the corridor
behind Stubbs, whistling for Sebastian’s dog. “Kisses,’ he called
softly, in a heavy Glaswegian accent. “Kisses, where are you?”

Two days later Banner had a breakfast meeting with his boss,
Communications Liasion Director (Senior Civil Servant, 99th Percentile
Grade) David Hirudine, and Stubb. Hirudine, neat, forties, grey
temples and gym slim, was sniffing at an avocado.
Hirudine said, without looking up from the fruit: “Keep getting
abusive emails and phone calls from the British Legion asking us why
the PM or the Foreign Secretary or someone isn’t meeting the bodies
when they arrive back from Afghanistan. What can we do about this?”
“Persuade the PM to do it?” said Banner. “Just the once? Make the
gesture, keep ‘em quiet?”
“No, I don’t mean that,” said Hirudine irritably, “what can be done
about stopping the bloody British Legion getting through to my
voicemail and email? Why have a web team, an internal comms team and
whatnot and then end up doing the front of house yourself?”
He turned to Stubb. “The sausages are good, aren’t they? This
avocado is good. I had a little moan about catering and it seems to
have hit home. Same with the booze: I’m preparing a preliminary
beverage report, no pun intended, which you might like to contribute
something to. I floated the idea of a wine committee, like they have
in the Commons.”
Hirudine turned to Banner.
“Look, it’s not a bad idea to suggest the PM goes down to meet the
dead, but you know perfectly well he won’t do it. He’ll say his
predecessor didn’t and if he didn’t, then why should, etcetera. I
don’t know why Shining One didn’t; he could have got away with it,
made himself look good: cried and so on.”
Shining One was the their nickname for the Prime Minister’s
predecessor.
“But it might do the PM some good, in a way,” said Stubb. “In the
polls, I mean.”
Hirudine changed the subject.
“This rock concert Sebastian was going on about on Monday,” he said.
“It’s starting to take off as an idea. Had the BBC on the phone at
5.45am wanting to do a phone interview about it with anyone from
here.”
“How did they get hold of it?” asked Stubb.
“Sebastian, obviously,” said Banner.
“Of course,” said Hirudine. “He’s briefed them behind our backs.
Complete lunacy, of course. But it’s taking off now and we’ll have to
roll with it. Sebastian’s office is already doing a feasibility study
vis a vis insurance and agents and talent fees and all that. I had a
email from him a minute ago and he wants an office, essentially a
media hub, set up in Kabul as soon as possible.”
Banner looked at the front of that morning’s Times. Heavy fighting
in Afghanistan, and heavy casualties. Three deaths.
“So this concert, you don’t think it will blow over?”
“No, I don’t,” said Hirudine. “Sebastian says that he has extensive
contacts in what he called ‘the rock world’. Says he met Jody Crunj at
a backstage party a couple of years ago and, unlike most pop
musicians, he wasn’t ranting that Iraq and Afghanistan are evil
imperialist adventures.”
“He’s very much in the minority on that one, I’d say,” said Banner.
“Quite possibly,” said Hirudine. “But it’s in motion now and we’ll
have to run with it. Sebastian will open the coffers up for it and the
funding. In regard to us, it boils down to this: someone’s going to
have to go and set the hub up in Kabul and that’s that.
Silence followed this.
“It’ll have to be one of us,” said Hirudine. “Or, rather, one of you
two.”
“How can I go?’ said Stubb. “I was downhanded the re-incentivising
of our media affiliates, plus the hits-and-clicks web delivery focus
group to sort out.”
Hirudine turned to Banner. “Dylan?”
“My workload isn’t exactly light,” he said in a voice more hollow
than usual. “I have people in my management line that might be
appropriate.”
“That doesn’t strike me as being the best solution. You’d have to
make a sound recommendation, which would have to be approved. I’d far
prefer it if you went, Dylan.”
“OK, I’ll go,” said Banner.
“Now,” said Hirudine, changing the subject again. “I was briefed by
the PM that we, as the Min of Def media, should be briefing everyone
that the equipment in Afghanistan is good and getting better all the
time. There is an adequate amount of helicopters in Afghanistan and,
where there isn’t, there soon will be, which for you means there
already is and, furthermore will be more very shortly. Armoured cars
and so on are being developed that are invulnerable, etcetera.
Everything’s on an upward curve of efficiency and strength; I know
this is basic stuff but; never give an inch on this, ever. Never get
put on the back foot by reporters over this. Ever. It’s the PM’s new
golden rule.”
“Oh yeah?”
“According to Sebastian, some lawyer got arsehole drunk at Chequers
the other weekend and said he wouldn’t be surprised if, quote, ‘the
fucking lot of you didn’t all end up in court over the two wars’.
Rattled the PM, who made the mistake of getting lippy and asking the
man ‘what he meant by that’. ’Course, the bloke rattled off a prima
facie case that should have been obvious from the start and that
‘they’d all be lying through their teeth till the day they died, just
to stay out of a courtroom’.”
“What happened?”
“PM went into a sulk. Then someone said they’d heard that Shining
One was now running around in Washington suggesting that ‘the allies’
should invade Zimbabwe.”
“What did PM say?”
“A very rude word. Then he stormed out.”
Banner’s blackberry buzzed. He read the message.
“Two killed last night in North Afghanistan. Corporal and sergeant.
No names as yet.”
“Family bereavement media briefing pack four,” said Stubb,
apparently as an aide memoir. He wrote something down. “Four B if
they’re Scottish,” reminded Banner. “And three C if they’re Welsh.”

The working day was winding down. Jamie Sping was playing the computer
game in Banner’s office.
“Get the fucking sea-trike!” yelled Banner, leaning over the screen.
“Got it,” said Sping. “Extra life.”
Banner consulted the time. “Fancy a quick pint?”
They went to the Red Lion, down Whitehall. Banner outlined the
situation.
“So, basically,” said Ping, who always used the word basically in
any work-related business whether it was needed or not, “someone’s got
to go to Afghanistan to set the hub up?”
“Yeah,’ said Banner. “To be honest, like all the crazier policy
drives from Sebastian it’ll fizzle out when the initial allocation
budget dries up and nobody will sign off more money for it. Then the
project will be renamed and only the hardiest FOI-sender will be able
to find out where the money went. For you, on the other hand, it
represents a chance to do yourself a bit of good. You can shine here.
Go to ‘theatre’ and you’ll get points. Double raspberries. You’ll
probably go up a grade far quicker than you would have and women will
think you’re hot.”
“I am hot,’ said Sping.
“And all you’ll be doing is sitting in an office on fucking facebook
all day. Like here in other words, except you’ll be in Kabul.”

The Times, always warm towards Sebastian, went big on the rock concert
the next day.
“Fuck me,” said Stubb slowly, as he read the story in Banner’s
office. “I like this bit: ‘A source at the Ministry of Defence
confirmed that Bob Dylan has been approached for the concert in
Kabul’. Genius. Your idea?”
“Yeah,” said Banner. “We-ell, you might as well go to town with it.
We did approach him as well – he was playing golf at his Scottish
castle – and he got his office to tell us to fuck off.”

To avoid a confrontation with Hirudine and the paperwork involved in
sending Sping to Afghanistan, Banner presented at his doctor’s surgery
complaining of anxiety and depression and got himself signed off work
for a month. He did some housework, web-browsing and bought tickets to
Glastonbury for himself and his wife. One afternoon his mobile rang
and it was Hirudine.
“I realise you didn’t want to go, but is Sping up to it?”
Banner was prepared.
“Technically, yes. Emotionally, yes. True, he’s lower quartile, but
a riser. He’s clearly got potential, otherwise why did we take him
from feeder grade? You said yourself at that corpcom meeting that if
bigger projects are not downhanded then our technological terrain and
crossbriefing interstices will remain at Management Model II.”
“Yes, I did, didn’t I?”
“In your power point presentation you said ManMod III requires nano-
dynamism and vision-compliance from the lower quartile. ManMod III
will remain non-impactful unless the lower quartile expedite
synergistically. Other words, the guy’s a newbie, but I thought Sping
was an ideal candidate for this project. If you don’t get the guy a
challenge, he’s heading for long grass and bandwidth supervision,
which, to be fair, seems a waste.”
“Thanks, Dylan,’ said Hirudine brightly, “I Hope you get better
soon.”
Banner clicked off his phone. He switched on the television. The
rolling news on cable showed more flag-draped coffins being unloaded
at an RAF base.

Banner had been back at work for a month and several more soldiers had
been killed in Afghanistan when Stubb came into his office at speed.
“Heard the news?”
“Go on.”
“Sebastian’s downstairs going apeshit.”
“Why?”
“Someone trod on his boyfriend’s dog – and Jody Crunj’s has walked
out of the rock concert project.”
“That’s fucked that then. He was their only chance. No one will
touch it now”
“Sebastian’s in with Hirudine now. Ranting and raving. Hirudine
wants a meeting this afternoon on briefing angles.”
“I won’t be there, thank God – ManMod III aggregation delivery
strategy.”

A few months passed. The war carried on with no discernible progress.
Retired Generals wrote imploring letters to the The Times and the
Daily Telegraph about the government’s duty to provide adequate
equipment to the armed services. The media team were kept busy issuing
briefings that showed that the Army’s equipment was more than
adequate. More soldiers were killed. Fresh Family Media Bereavement
Packs Four, Four B and Three C were printed. Meanwhile, the concert
project disappeared from the media.
“Sebastian won’t have it mentioned,” said Stubb, who had been in
Sebastian’s offices at the Commons that afternoon and was regaling
Banner with gossip over lager in the Red Lion.
“I’m not surprised,” said Banner. “Don’t suppose he’s got much to
worry about, though. The news coming out of Afghanistan is so bad the
papers don’t need to start digging around that particular fiasco. I’ve
never looked at the money spent on it but I wouldn’t mind betting it
could have bought something useful for the war. If we’re lucky, if the
story ever does come out it’ll just be a few pars in the back of
Private Eye.”
Both men’s blackberries buzzed simultaneously. They consulted them
and said together, “Sping’s been kidnapped.”
Stubb looked at Banner. Banner said, “for fuck’s sake.”
Both men drained their pints and headed back to the Ministry.

It all came out in the media. The rock concert, the money: the bill
and expenses for event planning was called ‘eye-watering’. There were
front page pictures of Sping; Sping in happier days on holiday and a
video capture of him, blurry and crying in a cage – “bit like a
Francis Bacon painting,” observed Hirudine, who was doing an evening
course in Modern Art at Tate Modern. There were pictures of Jody Crunj
and Kung Fu Jesus playing on stage; pictures of the office in Kabul
from which Sping and two bodyguards were kidnapped; pictures of
Sping’s parents and girlfriend. A meteor shower of Freedom of
Information Requests hit the ministry. More financial details emerged
to general outrage. The atmosphere became siege-like. The Secretary of
State for Defence, a lowly figure in the cabinet and subordinate to
Sebastian, took most of the flak.
“I see Sebastian remains untouched,” said Hirudine at a morning
meeting with Stubb and Banner. “The old tricks are the best. He’s
relentlessly briefed against and smeared the Minister, who now wants
to resign – ”
“Does he?” asked Stubb.
“Of course, he’s had enough shit lately to last a lifetime. This is
the final straw. Of course, neither the PM nor Sebastian will let him.
Not until they think the moment is right.”
“Have you agreed strategic continuity on the kidnapping?” asked
Banner.
“Sebastian, cleverly, has instructed me to request a press blackout
in the interests of Sping and the bodyguards’ safety, while the
Foreign Office attempts to negotiate.”
“That works in Sebastian’s favour, too,” noted Banner.
“Of course,” said Hirudine. He turned to Stubb. “If you can get that
suggested wines idea of yours knocked into a pdf before lunch I can
take it into Food and Beverage with me this afternoon. I don’t hold
out a lot of hope, but as I said to the Minister, it’s no good serving
pub wine in the Historic Rooms. It just makes us look crap.”

The war continued. Video footage of British soldiers fighting in the
pink badlands of Afghanistan played daily on the television. The media
blackout ensured Sping’s story disappeared. A year later Banner
switched on the computer in his office, checked Reuters and learned
that the decapitated bodies of Sping and his two bodyguards had been
discovered in a cave, one hundred miles north of Kabul. He stared at
the screen for a bit and slowly plugged his iPod ear plugs in.
Later, when Stubb arrived, Banner said, “I’m just glad I got that job
at Health. Get out of this fucking nightmare.”
“Oh, you got it?”
“Yeah. Upper quartile, same pension grade. Health can be bumpy, but
not like this. Fuck this.”
“For a game of soldiers,” said Stubb.

It was down Whitehall at Health, one afternoon some months later, that
Banner, while walking down a corridor, noticed some dog shit on the
floor. Soon after this Banner was accosted by his immediate superior
(SCS, 99th Percentile Grade), who said, conspiratorially, “Sebastian’s
in.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, spending a worrying amount of time poking his nose in down
here these days.”
On their way downstairs they walked past another dog turd outside
Briefing Room six.
“Careful not to tread in the shit,” said Banner.
“That’s what everyone’s saying these days, isn’t it?”

ENDS