alt.flame FAQ
Bill McClatchie
ALT.FLAME FAQ
Frequently Asked Questions
Contents:
------------
1. Fuck off for starters
2. alt.flame's raison d'etre
3 What alt.flame is NOT
4. Stupid newbie traps
5. How do I start?
6. alt.flame hierarchy
7. Different kinds of flamers (written by the charming and talented Moana)
8. Urban Myths about alt.flame that just aren't true
9. The Hall of Flame
10. Cascades
11. Types of trolls
12. Vocabulary
Edited by Bill McClatchie
--
1. Fuck off for starters.
Go away, newbie. Nobody wants you here.
--
2. alt.flame's raison d'etre.
"To flame and be flamed."
--
3 What alt.flame is NOT:
- a cross-posting receptacle for every stupid/endless argument on the net
- a place where sysops can punish hapless newbies by forging their accounts
- a Norwegian health spa
- A place to test your newsgroup bombs
- a forum for bad moose poetry and mountain-bike tips.
--
4. Stupid newbie traps.
Beware of sneaky follow-ups to misc.test and alt.fan.dallgata.ctl.
Never use the term "FUCKHEAD" in a thread (and don't ask why you shouldn't).
Avoid guys with "avoid" in their names.
--
5. How do I start?
Don't bother. There are too many newbies here already.
BUT IF YOU INSIST ON MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF...
- DON'T FLAME BY E-MAIL... (why bother behaving like an idiot in privacy?)
- NEVER E-MAIL SOMEONE'S SYSOP BECUASE OF SOMETHING THEY SAID
IN ALT.FLAME.
- DON'T BE A NET.COP.
- NEVER APOLOGIZE IN ALT.FLAME.
- NEVER POST FROM AN ANON ACCOUNT (unless you like to be called a
"coward", "wimp", or "footer").
- DON'T BE A NET.COP.
- DON'T WHINE IF PEOPLE IGNORE YOU.
- KILLFILES ARE FOR PUSSIES.
- DON'T BE A NET.COP.
- REMEMBER: Everyone IS out to get you.
Choose your enemy carefully. Pick on someone who is really stupid and weak
(not as hard as it sounds). Don't be surprised if it turns out that you are
even more stupid and weak.
Don't waste your time with posts that ask you "flame me by e-mail". This is
usually a sysop trying to punish some feckless newbie who has left his
terminal unattended.
Nothing is new on alt.flame. All methods of attacking someone have already
been tried a thousand times before. But at least *try* to be colorful and
entertaining. (on second thought, forget it. Why be any different from
anyone else?)
--
6. alt.flame hierarchy.
There is no true hierarchy here. All you need to remember is...
Current net.punching.bag = Kevin M. Hebert (see his FAQ)
--
7. Different kinds of flamers (written by the charming and talented Moana).
The perfect flamer
----------------------
Perfect fighter, sharp, original, amusing; he can switch with elegance to many
different ways of flaming, from the direct approaches to the ironic
referiments. For him, flaming is an art.
[Editors note: Not seen in months. However both Marek and Kebbie feel that
this is descriptive of them]
The conspirator
-------------------
He always has a direct target for his main flaming activity. The a.f.
field becomes for him a strategic one to one game, always looking for
the weakness of the actual opponent. You can recognize the posts in
*war* period from the huge amount of words '
(I) win, (you) defeated/spanked'. Often includes thousands of
exclamation points. the subject line is not an exception to this rule.
In the *peace* periods, the conspirator coldly analyzes the situation
and after a serious study of the a.f. posters, decides whom to elect as
his next opponent. The lack of improvisation and prevedibility in the
war period is the main drawback of the conspirator, and the continuos
stream of flames toward the same opponent is fated to become immediately
boring and unsalted.
The gross
-----------
Man to another epoque, he would have nicely lived in the barbarian age.
The gross' approach is always plain and direct: no irony, no concept
intended, the arrogance and brute force are his style; the random
unlucky opponents must be swatted with a huge amount of insults, capital
letters, dirty graffito's, explicit accusations and referment to their
intellectual and social status, and to the virtues of their parents and
relatives, etc. The gross is usually funny and entertaining to watch,
no intellectual effort is required to understand his flame, and the
vision of such flaming character makes everybody feel more intelligent
and smart.
Beware if you are a newbie: the gross will assault you immediately, like
a starving satanic dog... he is finding some virgin victim who has not
kicked his ass yet...
The intellectualoid
----------------------
New feature of a.f. the intellectualiod is always looking for a
constructive challenge. the 'brick' flame is his specialty: chosen the
unfortunate opponent(s), the intellectualiods augment the flaming
pressure with cultural referiments, very long posts, continuos posing of
specialized questions, up to the point that the opponent really can't
stand more. he usually wins the flame war for starving of the
opponent. Anyway it's always a bitter victory, because nobody else can
understand who won. Very dangerous for your health, the intellectualiod
MUST be avoided like the plague.
The asphiliator
------------------
A mixture of styles: a bit of gross, a bit of conspirator, the asphiator
makes the number of postings his main weapons. He doesn't need, like
the conspirator, to concentrate on a single opponent: he can manage all
the a.f. community in one day! The lack of real life, mixed with the
short time & intelligence-per-post required to achieve the daily
quantity cannot allow flaming style much better than the Gross' style,
and often the asphixiator can be confused with the gross, which is the
usual opponent.
Always ready to answer your post, the asphixiator guarantees your
newsbox full... the problem is that it is full of shit...
The hacker wannabe
------------------------
This category has many degrees: from the faker of posts, to the
frustrated sysadmin that needs to vindicate the defeats in a.f. with a
joke on your account, to the computer-brained people that cannot talk of
anything else than RISC, PISC, TRISH, LISP, etc.
They are double dangerous: easy to flame, they piss off immediately and
try to take the thread on some computer stuff, for the utter boredom, or
whose, in the case of the subclass 'aggressive hacker wannabe' they
flood you with mail, threats, bombs, spank off the net warnings, etc.
Beware of the 'technical subclass' in your flames! You don't feel any
satisfaction in hitting them, and you suddenly can find yourself in a
tremendous and incomprehensible assembly-code flame!
And beware of the aggressive: the worst class in the whole a.f. world,
with his Gross and asphixiator flamer tendencies, mixed to the lack of a
life and the daily dose of frustration, he exhausts the failures of life
in a blind usage of the computer editor and tools. Flaming them is a
sign of lack of life, and that is not a good reputation for the average
a.f. poster.
The chameleon
------------------
It's the perfect flamer wannabe. Like the perfect flamer, he likes to
continuously change style, topics of discussion and/or opponents. He
has the attitude to aquatint with every other flamer type.
The sad difference with the perfect flamer is that the chameleon,
instead of dominating the different ambiance, is submitted by them and
every post of him leaves the reader with a certain sense of bitterness
and compassion. Weak and useless now, the Chameleon is one of the few
flamer types that can grow, once his dorsal spine is reinforced. Give
them rest, and flame them softly, like a kid: you'll enjoy his innocent
response!
The lightweight
-------------------
He is usually not a daily flamer. The official justification is the
lack of time and the full satisfaction of a real life. The *real*
explanation of course is much more different: his flames are usually
well written and nice, but they are like a delicate picture of a
precious and fragile crystal...
Opposed to a Chameleon or a hit'n run type, he can survive for a while;
opposed to a gross he immediately breaks into a thousand pieces. He is
so sadly light that also in the case of defeat, he doesn't create any
entertainment for the reader: his explosion won't be noticed at all.
give them a little flame occasionally , for the sake of pity.
The hit'n run (the snake)
------------------------------
The most dangerous class in a.f. The hit'n runner type is often
effective against a gross or an Intelectualiod. Specialized in one line
posts, the snake looks to find some weak point to hit, and after his
brief contribution he runs for another challenge. You can see him proud
of himself, thinking he is a perfect flamer, and he doesn't understand
what a coward he is and how painfully he could be splattered in case he
doesn't run after the hit...
Always nice, never boring (how could he bore with only a few lines?),
he's funny secondary character of a.f. up to the point he succeeds to
avoid opponents. Unfortunately, the first time he cannot run fast
enough and he is hit back, always correspond with his net.death or
net.vacation. Sad.
The sophist
--------------
Character already discussed recently. He is a picky, strenuously
logical, and indirect in his attack. A huge archive is his main
weapon: he always can retrieve a quote of your postings from 1984, and
subtly demonstrate your contradicting logic. NEVER, NEVER, enter a
alt.flame thread with him. he'll usually respect you, and probably
won't archive all of your posts, but the first day you voluntarily flame
him, you are controlled! A suggestion: following the logic of a sophist
can be dangerous to your health: try to avoid the flame threads with a
huge amount of quoting at the beginning.
And ABSOLUTELY avoid the threads starting with : "documenting claims..."!!
The storyteller
-----------------
With his scarce flame capacities, and the incapacity of a direct
confrontation, the story teller acquirers a full personality only when
left to himself and his fantasy. His stories are always well written
and detailed, aggression-proof, unmatchable also form a sophist. The
storytellers develop a huge amount of work, and he's usually prized for
the forgiveness of the story victims, that don't counterattack to the author.
Jewels of a.f, the stories of the storyteller are nice, entertaining and
pleasant. the only drawback is that they lack soul, as does the
storyteller himself.
The senseless and the deviated
------------------------------------
Crazy person that unluckily found a computer terminal, the character in
this category is the perfect example of the brain masturbation. he uses
his words as genital organs, continuously stroking and manipulating them
and having a huge satisfaction form this.
The senseless never says anything, just covers the terminal with trash,
and is founded of satisfaction when the gross attack him. Just consider
his posts as background noise in a.f. and don't flame him: it's useless
and he'd never understand that you're flaming him. The common
characteristic of the senseless is lack of intelligence an life at the
same time.
The viscid
------------
Coward, viscid, obnoxious, the category says it all. One day he is your
friend, the next your enemy, the betrayal is his only weapon. Just don't
trust him, ever, and avoid him as much as you can, trying not to respond
to his usually low quality flames.
Continued......
Bill McClatchie
"It's filled with interesting people."
"If you ignore a Norweenie he will go away."
"HAHAHAHA!!! I win! I win!!!!!!!"
"Wow! 89% originality! That must mean I'm original!"
"Lund's faux-FAQ is entertaining"
"If you post here a thousand times a day, people will think you are
really KOOL!"
"JORN *really* cares"
"alt.bigfoot is strong and free"
9. The Hall of Flame
"From the failing hands we pass the flame..."
1. Barbara Abernathy - aka Abernathy, Blabs, Babs, Beluga-Mae,
Blabernathy, *that* woman, etc. etc. Excelled at baiting people with
endless disgusting taunts and gibes. She was also an adept net.cop.
Last seen gouging people on misc.forsale*
2. Corporal Jeff Witty (R.O.T.C) - aka twitty, twittman, the super
soldier, witless, witler, etc. etc. Jeff was the first inductee into
the Hall of Flame by popular vote. he excelled at xenophobia and lewd
ASCII art. Current whereabouts: killed at Fort Bragg in freak
flame-thrower accident.
3. k e n n e t h J. r o b I n S o n - aka k E N, rObotSon, kEnBot,
morOn. the perfect anti-flamer! k E N would automatically reply t any
flame with a robot-like "k E N is K e N and so therefore cannot be a
dillhole" type of argument. Truly bizarre. Current whereabouts:
Wal-Mart complaints department.
4. Stephanie Linton aka Steph, Staph, Stephony, Poohbear, Lintoon - an
insipid refugee from soc.penpals who attempted to smother alt.flame in
*hugs* and *kisses*. Current whereabouts: flunking out of the U. of
Waterloo communications program.
5. Vinson "The Phantom" Goddard - aka Vinnie, Casper, Phantie, My
Cousin, Little ghost - simpering "professional student" legal beagle
wanna-be who indulged himself with endless fantasies of wooing all the
alt.flame babes... even Blabernathy. Current whereabouts: still being
used as part of a levee in Des Moines. Soon to be part of "Team Jack Kemp".
6. Jorn Halonen - aka "Yawn, Halogen, Baleen boy - no matter how
abysmal the situation or pathetic the poster, Jorn always cared...not
that it mattered. Famous for his monumental sigs and the infamous "Who
cares/ JORN does!" thread. Currently an anti-greenpeace activist.
7. Mr. J S Graley - aka THE GREAT NAME, THE GREAT LAME, Staley, THE
GREAT SAME, THE GREAT SHAME, etc. Not only legendary on a.f., but much
flamed on the local Warwic University newsgroups as well. Graley
self-fomented into heights of abandon, rage, and sheer hysteria that made
even Jaded North Americans wonder. Current whereabouts: unknown, but
rumored to be the Warwicshire Ripper.
8. Jim Moore - aka Jim - One of the most disgusting flamers in usenet
history. filled with colostomy bags, senior's abuse, and disgusting
bodily functions - Jim's "colorful" stories have ruined many a lurkers lunch.
9. Michelle Dall'Agata - aka Michelle, Mickey, Dialagota,
Daaaaalgaaaaaaata, Droolgata, Woppola, tape-changer, King-of-Flames,
Doofus in Fabula, Faglab Fangoo cazzo - this well loved diminutive
Venetian was master of Malapropos (perhaps his greatest "and for
digestive a good, not smelling portion open legs.) Despite claims that
he despised "fat chicks" , Michele was notorious for hitting on ANY
women who dared stick her punami into a.f. Current whereabouts:
deported to Sicily
10. Marek - aka Mark Brownell, Mjarek Bjelkenstalkenhammer, Ruzzywuzzy,
and a whole bunch of wierd "pseoudonyms" he invented for himself - self
proclaimed FA Qmaster and father of alt.flame. His habit of dressing up
as small, furry animals got him elected A.F Easter Bunny of '94 ("There
is NO WAY I'm wearing that bunny suit again, Lund"). His favourite
pastimes include categorizing flamers and trolls. Most of Marek's faux-
FAQ consisted of said categorizations. He is also fond of sports, and
went all the way to Lillehammer to watch his "beloved" hockey team get
mashed to a pulp.Being rejected by the Norwegian belles hurt his
feelings no end, and to this very day, he spits sour grapes whenever
Norway is mentioned. Current whereabouts: Germany, where he's employed as
a "torpedo" (German money-collector in a pink bunny suit).
Wendy say he has a nice ass.
*the floor is always open for more nominations
10. Cascades.
Only two comments on cascades, and that is:
All cascades should be cross-posted to alt.bigfoot.
And Paul is king of the Fuckhead cascade.
11. Types of Trolls:
[any flame can be considered a troll - but all trolls are not
flames. Here's a list of some of the more frequent types ...]
The King Troll - A boastful post like "I am the KING of a.f." etc.
*Very* common newbie mistake in this group.
The High Noon Troll - an offshoot of the King troll. A newbie
post calling veteran flamers to "give it their best shot".
The Rodney King Troll - any newbie post on the theme of "can't
we all just get along?"
The Snob Troll - a self-righteous condemnation of alt.flame.
The Riddler Troll - any troll with an anagram of the word
"troll" in it. A troll that identifies itself as such.
The Linton Troll - a troll that uses a sickly-sweet language
and/or faux-sincerity.
The NET.COP Troll - idle threats of spanking, contact of sysop
etc... (related to "The Henley")
The Dirty-Work Troll - any post that asks a.f. denizens to flame
another person outside of the group.
The Feckless Newbie Idiot Troll - "Gee, what is this board about?"
[not to be confused with the *genuine* feckless newbie idiot post
that really wants to know, "Gee, what is this board about?"]
The Joe Cool Troll - any post bragging about sexual superiority.
The Gladstone Troll - any false request for "friendship" in a.f.
---
12. Vocabulary.
Here are some definitions that Paal stole from the new hacker's dictionary
(copyright suit still pending):
FLAME 1. vi. To post an email message intended to insult and provoke.
2. vi. To speak incessantly and/or rapidly on some relatively uninter-
esting subject or with a patently ridiculous attitude. 3. vt. Either
of senses 1 or 2, or with hostility at a particular person or people.
4. n. An instance of flaming. When a discussion degenerates into use-
less controversy, one might tell the participants "Now you're just
flaming" or "Stop all that flamage!" to try to get them to cool down
(so to speak).
USENETer Marc Ramsey, who was at WPI from 1972 to 1976, adds:"I am 99%
certain that the use of flame originated at WPI (Worcester Polytechnic
Institute). Those who made a nuisanse of themselves insisting that they
needed to use a TTY or 'real work' came to be known as flaming asshole
lusers. Other particulary annoying people became flaming asshole ravers,
which shortened to flaming ravers, and ultimately flamers. I remember
someone picking up on the Human Torch pun, but I don't think 'flame
on/off' was ever much used at WPI.
The term may have been independently invented at several different places;
it is also reported that flaming was in use to mean something like
'interminably drawn-out semi-serious discussions' (late-night bull
sessions) at Carleton College during 1968-1971.
FLAME BAIT n. A posting intended to trigger a flame war, or one that
invites flamers in reply.
FLAME ON vi.,interj. 1 To begin to flame. The punning reference to
Marvel Comics's Human Torch is no longer widely recognized. 2. To
continue to flame.
FLAME WAR n. (var. flamewar) An acrimonious dispute, especially when
conducted on a public electronic forum such as USENET.
FLAMER n. One who habitually flame. Said esp. of obnoxious USENET
personalities.
NEWBIE /n[y]oo'bee/ n. [orig from British public-school and military slang
variant of 'new boy'] A USENET neophyte. This term surfaced in the
newsgroup talk.bizzare but is now in wide use. Criteria for being
considered a newbie vary wildly; a person can be called a newbie in one
newsgroups while remaining a respected regular in anther. The label newbie
is sometimes applied as a serious insult to a person who has been around
USENET for a long time but who carefully hides all evidence of having a
clue.
- The New Hackers Dictionary ISBN 0-262-68069-6
A few more recent (and colloquial) alt.flame terms...
FUCKHEAD (n.) Secret call for an endless cascade.
SPANKED (v.) A false claim of victory. (Ex: "I SPANKED Pinhead
off of the net!")
SPANK-LIST (n.) Falsified list of victims that a flamer has
supposedly conquered.
HAHAHAHAHAH! (expletive) A sure sign of defeat.
DICKSPLASH (n.derogatory) A dickwad, fucksplooge, wanker, fuck-boy,
shitstain, gleetgobbler, fuckstickfondler, etc. (not to be confused
with "FUCKHEAD")
LUSER (n.derogatory) Also "loser", "looser" and "looooooooser".
*PLONK* (v.) An ASCII representation of the sound of someone being
killfiled.
NET-COP (n. extreme derogatory) A whiney stool-pigeon.
(see "hooten", "henley", "Bulldog" et al)
JORN (n.) A shadowy figure from skaldic mythology. Norsk god of
"caring".
BZZZT! (v.) Sign that flamer has run out of ideas. (similar
to "zzzzzzz")
:-D (unknown) Secret Masonic signal indicating that someone is
laughing at you behind your back.
IKYABWAI (n.) "I know you are but what am I" - a lame comeback flame
that copies the original insult.
PEE-WEE (n. derogatory) -ism, -ite, "Paging Mr. Herman" etc. etc. -
reference to famous "auto-pianist" Paul Reubens - Budo-Master of
the IKYABWAI.
LUTEFISH (n.) "lukefisk", "lutefisk" - a Norwegian Bic Mac.
DAC (n.) A particularly buggy piece of software. Named after famous
Australian pederast -> Dingo Anal Clayton (inventor of virtual
vegemite and spaghetti code). Ex: "Boy, that WordPerfect 6 for
Windows sure is a piece of DAC!"
AUTO-FLAME (n.) self-deprecatory post or argument that makes poster
look like an idiot. [also "auto-flame grade: A+"]