Fun Stuff: Modes of Capitalism
Daneel
economist weekly's year-end issue; enjoy:
"Naive souls and teachers of dialectic materialsism for long believed
that capitalism is just capitalism, that's all... But the changes of time
forced a more faceted discussion of the subject. Let's see the result
on some handy examples:"
*Fundamental, or primitive capitalism:
I have two cows. I sell one, and from the money, I buy a bull.
*The same in direct democracy:
I have two cows. The majority decides how much milk I can keep.
*The same in representative democracy:
I have two cows. The majority elects someone who will tell how
much milk I can keep.
*The same in American democracy:
The presidential candidate promises to give two chicken to
everyone if he wins. But after election, he is put on trial, because it
comes out that he had a relationship with two chicks at the same
time. Stocks for eggs fall sharply. [<-untranslateable joke with
cows in original]
*The same in British democracy:
I have two cows. When mad cow disease epidemic breaks out, the
government pays twice as much for their culling as I could get for
selling them healthy. I infect the two cows.
*The same in European Union democracy:
I have two cows. The Union's specialised competent authority for
cows determines what I can feed them, while the milk authority
prescribes when and how I can milk them. After some time, I am
obligated to cull one of the cows, and spill the milk of the other into
the ditch the environmental authority marks out for me. After that,
I have to fill out a query with 240 questions, to give account of
where one of my cows disappeared and what I did with the milk.
*The same in Latin American democracy:
I have two cows. The government expropriates them, and enlist
me as soldier.
*The same in Asian democracy:
I have two cows. The government gives me an aluminium scooter
from an international aid program instead, and obliges me to visit
a scooter driving course.
*The same in African democracy:
I have two cows. The President drives them away, and deposits
them on his Zurich bank account.
*The same in Hungary (aka Highest Form):
I have two cows. I sell them on trust to my own limited partnership
by writing a contract for myself about three cows. For the trust,
my uncle issues a bail statement with the clause that in case of
missed repayment I owe him four cows. With this at hand, he and
his pal in the bank gets 'Széchenyi-subsity' from the state for the
buy of five cows -- so we can reclaim purchase tax for nine cows.
We assign the distribution rights to our Panama-registrated
company, which is the subsidiary of our Cajman-Islands-based
joint-stock company which, according to its registration, is engaged
with making sewing machine oil from milk. We import the sewing
machine oil, with the help of a friendly exciseman, with delayed
duty paidment; we sell it as diesel. After collecting all the purchase
tax repayments, and not paying any of the taxes and dues, we sell
the joint-stock company to a government-aligned Turkish homeless
man. We slaughter the two cows.
--------------------------
(It workds without it, but if anyone is interested in the references in
the last bit, I can give them...)
bye
Daneel [aa #323 | U of E student #000666]
**********************************************************************
What's wrong with nationalism?
Truth can't depend on one's ancestry!
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John Hearsey
> Translated from my local neo-liberal (US: =libertarian-leaning)
> economist weekly's year-end issue; enjoy:
>
>
> "Naive souls and teachers of dialectic materialsism for long believed
> that capitalism is just capitalism, that's all... But the changes of time
> forced a more faceted discussion of the subject. Let's see the result
> on some handy examples:"
>
> *Fundamental, or primitive capitalism:
> I have two cows. I sell one, and from the money, I buy a bull.
>
<snip>
Of the many similar posts that a quick search of google groups finds
these are the best two -
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count
them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you
have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A TALIBAN ORGANIZATION:
You have two cows. You load them up with explosives and herd them onto
your neighbor's property where you blow them up. Your neighbor dies. You
starve to death
I'll try one, (which no one will get the meening of and I only post so
that 100s of years from now anyone who is searching whatever usenet
archives exist will think 'what the hell was that about').
A Knighton Organization:
You buy a farm which has two cows. You sell the two cows. You spend
half of the money on new farm buildings and the other half on your own
wages. You now have no money to buy anymore cows so your farm goes
bankrupt, which is a bitch for the workers, but not for yourself because
you've got most of the money(*). You spend the money on pies. You start
looking for another rich widow with Alzheimer's.
(*) Not half the money, because you actually embezzled most of the other
half.
--
John Hearsey - aa1886
johac
<JHm...@NOSPAMzolien.fsnet.co.uk> wrote:
> In article <9vtq4e$hkb$1...@namru.matavnet.hu>, dan...@freemail.hu says...
> > Translated from my local neo-liberal (US: =libertarian-leaning)
> > economist weekly's year-end issue; enjoy:
> >
> >
> > "Naive souls and teachers of dialectic materialsism for long believed
> > that capitalism is just capitalism, that's all... But the changes of time
> > forced a more faceted discussion of the subject. Let's see the result
> > on some handy examples:"
>
<snip>
I don't know what it is about cow jokes, but there is a lot of that going
around these days. These were sent to me at work:
> A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
> You have two cows.
> You keep one and
> give one to your neighbor.
>
> A SOCIALIST:
> You have two cows.
> The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
>
> AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:
> You have two cows.
> Your neighbor has none.
> So what?
>
> AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:
> You have two cows.
> Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
> successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,
> forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
> The people you voted for then take the tax money and
> buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
>
> A COMMUNIST:
> You have two cows.
> The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
>
> A FASCIST:
> You have two cows.
> The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the
> underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
>
> DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
> You have two cows.
> The government taxes you to the point you have to
> sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only
> one cow, which was a gift from your government.
>
> CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
> You have two cows.
> You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
>
> BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
> You have two cows.
> The government takes them both, shoots one, milks
> the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk
> down the drain.
>
> AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> You sell one, and force the other to produce the
> milk of four cows.
> You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
>
> A FRENCH CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> You go on strike because you want three cows.
>
> A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
> an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
> You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
> market them worldwide.
>
> A GERMAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,
> eat once a month, and milk themselves.
>
> A BRITISH CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> They are mad. They die.
> Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
>
> AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows,
> but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
>
> A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> You count them and learn you have five cows. You
> count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
> You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
>
> A SWISS CORPORATION:
> You have 5000 cows, none of which
> belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
>
> A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> You enter into a partnership with an American corporation.
> Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation
> declares bankruptcy.
>
> AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> You worship both of them.
>
> A CHINESE CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
> employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
> the newsman who reported on them.
>
> AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
> There are these two Jewish cows, right?
> They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and
> then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard
> to become doctors. So, who needs people?
>
> AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
> You have two cows.
> That one on the left is kinda cute...
Disclaimer: I did not write any of these myself.
--
John Hachmann, aa #1782
It was the schoolboy who said: "Faith is believing what you know ain't so."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910).
Taiss
a little overlap with previously posted jokes.
Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn
with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The
government gives you all the milk you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care
of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The
government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you
should need.
Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care
of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you
all share the milk.
Real World Communism
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker
about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need".
Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead
of starvation.
Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it
on the black market.
Perestroika
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes
all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on
the "free" market.
Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever
existed. Milk is banned.
Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets
the milk.
British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The
government doesn't do anything.
Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed
them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk
down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for
the missing cows.
Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
Pure Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Capitalism
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows,
because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
Enviromentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing
them.
Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the
phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged
(but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica
lessons.
--
Taiss
aa (malkinite)#1888
makymian #"thinkit"