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MiSTed: NO GOD - NO FREE WILL

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Timothy J Lehnerer

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Mar 9, 1994, 6:58:00 PM3/9/94

Mike: Hello and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike
Nelson and this is Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot.

<Gypsy enters with a sarong around her...tube thingy>
Gypsy: All right! Everybody LIMBO!!

Tom: I can't see! I can't see! Someone find a head from one of my
clones!

Mike: I'm right here, buddy. Just stay calm.

Tom: Easy for YOU to say, your eyes and arms work! WHY ME?

Mike: Hang on, Joe Cabot and Nice Guy Eddie are calling. <he hits the
Mads' signal button>

Dr.F: Hello, Microbe. I see your little robot is broken. Well, I could
be merciful and call off the Invention Exchange for such an emergency,
but I won't. What trinket do you have this week?

<SoL. Mike holds up a microphone that has numerous wires leading off
to a red-colored speaker.>

Mike: This is a new and improved version of my Louie, Louie model of Mr.
Microphone. It not only translates Engligh to Gibberish, it works in
reverse. <to microphone> What do you think, sirs?

Speaker: Aaawwahhhhnillluuunnnrss.

Dr.F: Well, that shows a little more effort than Frank and I are used
to. This week we have an invention based on the artificial skin
replacements from the fine movie _Darkman_. It's a replacement tooth
whitener! Frank, smile for the camera.

<TV's Frank smiles, and the light from his teeth almost blinds Mike.>

<SoL>

Mike: Wow...will you look at that? <Tom starts sobbing uncontrollably.>
Oh...sorry, Tom. I guess I forgot.

Dr.F: Well, this seems to work perfectly...now if only the artifical
teeth would last longer than 99 minutes...

Frank: What? <his watch beeps, and his teeth ooze out of his mouth like
mushy oatmeal, kind of like what effect would be used if this were on
the show.> Hhnnneeefff! Wwhhhiiooonneeeff?

<SoL>

Tom: Did you guys find one? It should be next to Crow's armor from when
the Mads showed us _The Magic Sword_...

Crow: We looked all over, but we couldn't...<Mike clamps his beak shut>

Dr.F: Well, now that all of you are settled in, here's a nice big piece
of net.bilge from Stanley F. Nizenski, a/k/a Publius. It's a double
barreled buckshot theological nightmare called "NO GOD, NO FREE WILL."
Watch it and weep, Mr. Blonde!

Tom: Could someone rip off my eyes again?

Mike: No time, we got net.garbage sign!!!

> Atheists must argue that

Crow: You're an idiot.

> there is no "God" and no "Free Will".

Mike: Free Will? With the whale and all?

> By God they mean an Anthropomorphic God that they imagine to
> have been created in the image of Man but on a grand scale
> - and still just as dumb as Man.

Tom: Which Man are we using for comparison?
Mike: Einstein?
Crow: Darwin?
Tom: Kubrick?
Crow: Swayze?

> - That is an easy God to
> use as a punching bag and the Atheist never tire of that
> exercise.

Crow: <Sylvester Stalone> Adriaaan!! I'm usin' God as a punching
bag!!!

> As to Free Will, how can there be a Free Will if everything
> is explainable according to the Laws of Physics and Chemistry?

Mike: Oh, there's a lot of things that science can't explain...
Tom: How did the Universe begin?
Crow: How do you eat and breathe, Mike?

> However, consider this: What if there is going on here on
> Earth a "Game of the Gods"?

Mike: What if there is? What if we're all just pawns of a higher power?
Crow: And what about Scarecrow's brain?

> (The title of an essay I circulated
> among most University Depts of Theology a couple of years ago)
> Not a silly hypothesis

Tom: <Dripping with sarcasm> Are you *sure*?

> since the Book of Job is based on one
> such "Game".

Mike: A wacky fun-filled romp through net.loon land for the entire
family!
Crow: By Mattel.
Tom: <Authority figure voice> A subsidiary of ConHugeCo.

> Let us assume that what the Egyptians believed (see the opening
> paragraphs of Genesis Six) is true.

Mike: That the gods that created the world are all different?
Crow: That the Pharaoh is a living god that will become Judge of
the Dead when he dies?
Tom: If he mentions "pyramid inches" I'm going to shatter my eyes
again.

> That just before the sudden
> burst on the scene of the

Mike: Beatles!
All: <screaming crowd noise>

> Grand Cultures, the "Sons of God"
> took on Human Form, and without disturbing the integrity of the
> System,

Tom: Come and see the violence inherent in the System! Help, help, I'm
being repressed!

> had "Children with the Daughters of Men" (don't laugh
> yet)

All: <ROTFL>

> thus creating a New Order of Life called the

Mike: Star-Spawn of Cthulhu!
Crow: <Japanese accent, clipped speech> It's Cthulhu! AIIIIIIEEEEEE!!

> "Children of
> God" part-Man, part-God,

Tom: ALL ACTION. Hercules returns!
Crow/Mike: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

> with the capabilities to mount a

Mike: <Jack Perkins> Armored strike on Rommel's desert forces.

> succession of Grand Cultures and endowed with a God-like
> 'Free Will" to make for an interesting "Game" of which the
> Sons of God may not even know the outcome.

Crow: Let me guess what he'll say for predicting the outcome...

> If this is what really happened then a condition of the Game
> would have to be the total absence of a visible influence
> of God or the Sons of God - except for the innate awareness
> of the existence of the Spiritual Homeland of the Children of
> God.

Mike: Oh, of course. It's perfectly reasonable.
Bots: REALLY?
Mike: No.

> Any influence, other than that contained in the DNA
> would be like giving someone a puzzle and its solution, side
> by side - some "Game"!

Crow: Hah! Yeah, that game made a mess O' Potamia.
Mike: I think someone needs a time out.

> The "Free Will" (of the Children of God
> but -alas - not Homo Sapiens in general) is then to determine
> the Fate of all Life on Earth.

Tom: But not the Wacky rules of Capitalization, as demonstrated By
net.Loons.
Crow: Be serious, Tom. It is not for Man to know the Will of the Gods.
Tom: We're not men.
Crow: Oh, yeah! Go for it then.

> If you want to know how the "Game" is supposed to turn out'
> see Chapter Twenty of the Book of Revelation.

Crow: I knew it! I knew it!

> And the projected
> End is not to my liking

Mike: He wanted Tonya Harding to get the gold.

> - a supposed disaster guaranteed by

Mike: <Marlon Perkins> Mutual of Omaha.

> the discovery of "The Fire of God". I insist on my "Free Will"
> and I say what we have is not a Prophecy of the Inevitable
> but a Projection of the Contingent.

Mike: Nice to know that you don't place much faith in the prophe-
cies you're trying to convince us of.

> Although the Prophecy
> is right on track, I won't give up.

Tom: Oh, great. Even in the Apocalypse we have to listen to this!

> That accounts for my postings.

Crow: As does my habit of taking Prozac with Jack Daniels.

> You Atheists figure real big in the Prophecy so before you laugh
> check this out.

Tom: I hate to tell you, but we've been laughing for quite some time.

> Oh - before I forget,

Crow: It's all a fake. Just thought you should know that.

> Genesis One, part of Genesis Six and most
> of the Book of Job were written by an Egyptian Moses. Genesis Two
> and the rest were written by a Mesopotamian Mose. (See Sigmund
> Freud:"Moses-Monotheism".)

Tom: That's very interesting. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

> Have fun with this one - PUBLIUS

Mike: Oh, we will. - MIKE NELSON

<SoL>

Mike: Whoa boy, was that confused...hey, what are you two doing?

Tom: Brother Crow T. Robot, would you tell him?

Crow: Certainly, Brother Tom Servo. <to Mike> We're starting our own
religion based on the teachings of our creator. <The bots go back into
the theater>

Tom: Mike, could you carry me over this grate? We're gonna watch _The
Seven Faces of Dr. Lao_.

<Mads' Light flashes>

Mike: Sure thing, Tom. Just let me talk to the Mads first.

Dr.F: Well, you made it through Publius. I guess net.fanatics aren't
as painful once you get used to them. <Frank walks in calmly>

Frank: Hi, Steve. How was your nap?

Dr. F: Err, fine. Why?

<Frank's watch beeps>

Dr.F: <as his teeth melt> Iimmmannaaannnuuuu. Phrrsshhhhhunnnn, frrnn.

<SoL: The speaker says, "I'm gonna kill you. Push the button, Frank.>

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All characters copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. Their use in this work
was meant purely as a tribute and thank-you note. The attacks on Publius
were not meant as attacks on him personally, just his ideas. If symptoms
persist, call a physician.

Tim Lehnerer--Nature's Perfect Food
mut...@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu
Disclaimer: It's a trick. Get an axe.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> That accounts for my postings.

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