Google Groups no longer supports new Usenet posts or subscriptions. Historical content remains viewable.
Dismiss

Morning Lies

0 views
Skip to first unread message

Lucky

unread,
Nov 6, 2000, 2:30:40 AM11/6/00
to
Hello everyone,
My first post to this group. I appreciate feedback as I sincerely want
to improve.
------------------------------------------------------

She did her best art work late at night
upon her muscled biceps
and sleek scarred forearms her forever canvas,
Artist brush a fingernail or razor blade both sharp as her mind
and caustic tongue
in controlled daylight.

At night she was a child
hurting inside,
thinking of stories
for morning lies.
Easier to hurt the outside
make the pain live, alive
memories an inner scream
dancing to the hurt.

Blood hatred red
sunsets
bleak waterfall eyes
non-sweetened
bitter tears slow drip

adelaide sirmons

unread,
Nov 6, 2000, 2:54:59 AM11/6/00
to
Hello Lucky,
This is a nice piece of work. You have only one part that was a little
muddled:

make the pain live, alive
memories an inner scream
dancing to the hurt.

using the word live then alive just after seems a bit confusing and the line

memories an inner scream...

maybe you need of between memories and an

but I am not really sure of that because it is a little unclear what you
wanted to convey there.

One other thing, this line:


Artist brush a fingernail or razor blade both sharp as her mind

seems a little too long for the rest of your poem.

But don't take what I have said too much to heart...these are just my
opinions.

Adelaide

"Lucky" <Lucky...@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:9592-3A0...@storefull-225.iap.bryant.webtv.net...

Lucky

unread,
Nov 6, 2000, 3:00:00 AM11/6/00
to
Sorry my poetry came out somewhat lumped together. Hope you can decipher
it.


Lucky

unread,
Nov 6, 2000, 3:00:00 AM11/6/00
to
Thank you Adelaide,
I like your ideas and I will use them on my re-write.
Lucky


Bobby

unread,
Nov 7, 2000, 3:00:00 AM11/7/00
to
Yo Lucky,

This is an interesting portrait of a common enough personality. I have
problems with the line "Artist brush a fingernail or razor blade both sharp
as her mind", in that fingernails are not near as sharp as razor blades. I
would leave out the fingernail as just having the razor blade there makes
the poem more powerful.

Bobby

Lucky <Lucky...@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:9592-3A0...@storefull-225.iap.bryant.webtv.net...

Lucky

unread,
Nov 8, 2000, 1:46:30 AM11/8/00
to
Bobby thank you for reading, I appreciate your feedback and will
certainly consider your advise on my rewrite.
Lucky

0 new messages