A Moth Danced

[BLACKPOOLJIMMY]

A MOTH DANCED

One evening
red lights flashed
outside my window
and my face
throbbed red
as I watched
surreal men
in white
wheel her out
and her car
was quiet
under a street light
where a moth danced
and as the flashing lights
disappeared around
the corner
I felt my innocence
disappear
along with them.

[George Dance]

This is very nice. The short lines that give it urgency and punch, the
use of just two concrete details ('red lights flashed' and 'men in
white') to tell the reader the entire narrative, and above all that
focus on the moth, are all excellent touches.

Two suggestios: (1) I don't care for the two uses of 'red' in the
first five lines. You could get rid of the first red, since the colour
of the flashing lights is implied by 'my face throbbed red;' or you
could substitute a rarer/more-exact colour word for the second. (2) As
I enjoyed the moth image so much, and think it's so central to your
poem, I think it should be flagged by being the longest line. That
would mean shortening the next one. You could cut the 'and' and move
it after 'corner' (IMO 'corner' does nothing as an end-word, or you
could cut 'flashing' (since the reader already knows they're flashing
lights; you told him that in L2).

[BLACKPOOLJIMMY]

> lights; you told him that in L2).- Hide quoted text -
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Got it...Always a work in progress for me.

Thanks for the interest and input.

[Will Dockery]

On Nov 14, 11:49 am, George Dance <georgedanc...@yahoo.ca> wrote:

Yes, excellent work, Jimmy... good to see another real poet join our
ranks.

--
"Red Lipped Stranger & other stories" by Will Dockery:
http://www.myspace.com/willdockery

[BLACKPOOLJIMMY]

> "Red Lipped Stranger & other stories" by Will Dockery:http://www.myspace.com/willdockery- Hide quoted text -

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> - Show quoted text -

Thank you Will.