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She Makes Me Smell Her

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Chuck Lysaght

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May 13, 2001, 8:28:49 PM5/13/01
to
among the faceless deodorized masses on the streetcar
it sit
inhaling the trash bag stuff between her knees
the stink that doesn't care
that residentially challenged unwashed ass
that is a prophecy of fallen empires


http://www.1avenue.com/lysaghtc/DiaryofaMadman.html


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ME

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May 13, 2001, 9:49:54 PM5/13/01
to
Does she smell like tuna? If you're not sure, take a wiff of JAS Carter and
you'll know what tuna smell is!

--
_____________________________
Green glaciers glow like Kryptonite.

Chuck Lysaght <donot...@interbulletin.bogus> wrote in message
news:3AFF26C1...@interbulletin.com...

gnarl

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May 13, 2001, 10:07:25 PM5/13/01
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I can see right now, you and chuckles are going to make a fine cluster.

g.

"ME" <freedo...@charter.net> wrote in message
news:tfuekf8...@corp.supernews.com...

Morfydd Turberville

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May 14, 2001, 4:58:44 AM5/14/01
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Oh for gods sake, is that the height of your wit?

You have the power to say anything, anything you wish and you come out with
that?? How incredibly pointless!

Mop

>===== Original Message From "ME" <freedo...@charter.net> =====


>Does she smell like tuna? If you're not sure, take a wiff of JAS Carter and
>you'll know what tuna smell is!
>
>--
>_____________________________
>Green glaciers glow like Kryptonite.
>
>Chuck Lysaght <donot...@interbulletin.bogus> wrote in message
>news:3AFF26C1...@interbulletin.com...
>> among the faceless deodorized masses on the streetcar
>> it sit
>> inhaling the trash bag stuff between her knees
>> the stink that doesn't care
>> that residentially challenged unwashed ass
>> that is a prophecy of fallen empires
>>
>>
>> http://www.1avenue.com/lysaghtc/DiaryofaMadman.html
>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> Submitted via WebNewsReader of http://www.interbulletin.com
>>
>

------------------------------------------------------------
One should give only what people want, and in the way they need or want it -
Phillip Levy, The Flutes Of Autumn

Chuck Lysaght

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May 14, 2001, 6:29:24 AM5/14/01
to
If it smells like fish, it's a dish. If it smells like cologne, leave it alone. Anyway, thanks for the "comments."

Morfydd Turberville <Mor...@MailAndNews.com> wrote in article
<3B33...@MailAndNews.com> :

Morfydd Turberville

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May 14, 2001, 8:03:50 AM5/14/01
to
Well the comment was actually directed at "ME". I haven't got around to
critting any work yet. I was going to do that tonight when I have read them
all a few more times.

Mop

>===== Original Message From Chuck Lysaght <donot...@interbulletin.bogus>
=====

JAS Carter

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May 14, 2001, 9:57:28 AM5/14/01
to
On Sun, 13 May 2001 19:07:25 -0700, in alt.arts.poetry.comments
"gnarl" <gn...@olypen.xcom> warbled oh so charmingly:

>I can see right now, you and chuckles are going to make a fine cluster.

It's the slime leading the slime.

Wanna lay bets on how long before chuckles's posting privileges are
revoked?


Julie Carter

--
http://www.everypoet.com/poetry/general/ep_jasc.htm
ICQ 1265510

Mike Billard

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May 14, 2001, 4:38:09 PM5/14/01
to

ME <freedo...@charter.net> wrote in message
news:tfuekf8...@corp.supernews.com...

> Does she smell like tuna? If you're not sure, take a wiff of JAS Carter
and
> you'll know what tuna smell is!

Whaa! You want a little cheese with that whine?

(But Julie is so *mean* I gotta whine every time she posts so that the world
will know how much she hurt my feelings!)

Actually, there hasn't been a snivelling baby here in a long time, so I
guess you're filling a niche, sort of. That must count for something, right?


Karen Tellefsen

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May 14, 2001, 7:43:39 PM5/14/01
to
Dang it, Julie! I warned you not to -borrow-
my Eau de Starkist. That stuff is potent; it
will attract a hinny up to a mile away, causing
her bray annoyingly. It's theorized that
the aroma reminds the silly beast of paper
labels on cans, a donkey delicacy.

"Sorry, Charlie. ..."
Old Starkist tuna ad.

"ME" <freedo...@charter.net> wrote in message
news:tfuekf8...@corp.supernews.com...

gnarl

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May 14, 2001, 10:41:29 PM5/14/01
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Mid-July is my guess.

g.

"JAS Carter" <jsgo...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
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Morfydd Turberville

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May 15, 2001, 8:13:19 AM5/15/01
to
Chuck

You should've taken more time over it before posting.

The presentation is sloppy and the execution fraught with flaws.

Lets take the opening for instance:

>among the faceless deodorized masses on the streetcar
>it sit

I presume "it" is supposed to be I. You also need a comma between faceless
and
deodorized. Question: Is the location of street car absolutely necessary?
In a poem as short as this, unless it is pivotal to the plot, leave it out.

The line break would be best after masses, starting the next line with

"I sit inhaling the trash bag" then another linebreak to entice the reader
to
discover where the trash bag is. Lose stuff, leave it ambiguous. Let the
reader decide whether you are talking about an actual trash bag or something
more intimate.

I would also change between her knees to

"wedged between her legs" it has a far better sound.


>the stink that doesn't care
>that residentially challenged unwashed ass
>that is a prophecy of fallen empires

Okay all of this I had a problem with. It is careless and messy. Yo rushed
it
and it shows. "The stink that doesn't care" is a ludicrous line. I would
definitely lose it if I were you. "That residentially challenged unwashed
ass" is crude (crude as in raw and unformed) I am not sure it imparts what
you
may mean it to impart.

The last lines totally alters the tone of the poem and it makes me wonder if
your intention was a less than obvious one or the translation that ME lends
to
it. This last line and infact some other areas of the poem quite neatly
decribe the decline of social standards on a political/ social or emotional
level. The contrast between the clean and the vile, the claustraphobic
enviroment of a streetcar etc (so yes, on that level the street car may well
be pivotal but it will need careful arranging to get it to fit, etc.)These
are
good metaphors

If that wasn't your intention then that's okay. But I think it would be a
good
avenue to explore. The contrasts are already there. Work with it some more
and
find a different title, your current one is too obvious.

Hope this was a better "comment" :-)

Mop

I think that you could make this work on more than a few levels, which in
poetry is a good thing. But it is up to you to decide if you want to. Are yo
going to go for a quick (but ineffective) shock factor or are you going to
lead the reader around a while.


>===== Original Message From Chuck Lysaght <donot...@interbulletin.bogus>
=====

>among the faceless deodorized masses on the streetcar
>it sit

>inhaling the trash bag stuff between her knees
>the stink that doesn't care
>that residentially challenged unwashed ass
>that is a prophecy of fallen empires
>
>
>http://www.1avenue.com/lysaghtc/DiaryofaMadman.html
>
>
>_______________________________________________
>Submitted via WebNewsReader of http://www.interbulletin.com

------------------------------------------------------------

JAS Carter

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May 15, 2001, 9:54:15 AM5/15/01
to
On Mon, 14 May 2001 19:43:39 -0400, in alt.arts.poetry.comments "Karen
Tellefsen" <ka...@mindspring.com> warbled oh so charmingly:

>Dang it, Julie! I warned you not to -borrow-
>my Eau de Starkist. That stuff is potent; it
>will attract a hinny up to a mile away, causing
>her bray annoyingly. It's theorized that
>the aroma reminds the silly beast of paper
>labels on cans, a donkey delicacy.
>
>"Sorry, Charlie. ..."
>Old Starkist tuna ad.

I know, I know. I sneaked it out of your cupboard when you weren't
looking. But I was so tired of Chicken of the Sea.

Chuck Lysaght

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May 18, 2001, 1:43:12 PM5/18/01
to
"Doh!" {Best Homer Simpson impression.} I am surprised I missed that.
Writing "it" instead of i. Thank you for your comments, and
suggestions. I am going to revise this one with your suggestions in
mind. And thank you for offering the first intelligent comment
directed at my poetry, instead of hateful comments about my past
behavior.

http://www.1avenue.com/lysaghtc/DiaryofaMadman.html

Morfydd Turberville <Mor...@MailAndNews.com> wrote in message news:<3B0B...@MailAndNews.com>...

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