Villanelle: My Lover the Psychiatrist
Leisha
“What do you get from that epiphany?”
He’s fond of asking. I say I don’t know.
“If you did know, what would the answer be?”
“Why do you need a week alone to ski?”
he asks. I say I’m inspired by snow.
“What do you get from that? Epiphanies?
I assume you know we’ll both get lonely.”
I can’t think about it; I need to go.
“If you could think, what would your answer be?”
Okay. You pound on me persistently—
not to hurt me, but to crack my ego.
“Where do you go from that epiphany?”
I think he’ll shatter me indifferently
‘til I surrender. But I don’t say so:
It’s what is, not what my answer can be.
I redirect: It isn’t you, it’s me.
I’m just not ready yet; let’s take it slow.
What do I get for this epiphany?
If you were me, what would your answer be?
Leisha
Will Dockery
Smooth work... I don't know enough about these Villian-ellies to
critique the odds-and-ends of it all, but did enjoy the read and the
story told.
--
4 new Will Dockery recordings, "Twilight Girl", "Shadowville
Speedway", "Truck Stop Woman" and "Sidewalk Spinner" online at:
http://www.myspace.com/willdockery
Leisha
>
> - Show quoted text -
Thank you.
Leisha
Myshitis Fromgod
"Leisha" <lei...@decisionresearch.org> wrote in message
news:c40bf7f7-689f-4d5f...@k36g2000pri.googlegroups.com...
My Lover the Psychiatrist
Leisha
*in total honesty, this kind of poetry doesn't do anything for me.
now, my detractors would say that it's because i'm a total airhead.
however, whether that's the case or not, i can't make as much of a
connection w/ formal stuff like this than i can w/ well written prose or
prose/poems.
i'm positive this is good exercise for the mind. and, i'm also positive
that i just don't get it. but, honestly, i don't get it.
maybe it'll come. just hasn't yet.
thanks for sharing.
George Dance
Damn, you're good. But I can still find things to praise (or
"condescend," as one troll puts it) and fault.
It was an inspired choice to make your end-lines quotes from your
lover. Anyone can relate to the idea of a partner (or other relation)
who keeps saying the same thing. That gives a reason, from the
viewpoint of the tale, to have all that repetition; the repetition
actually adds to the tension.
OTOH, I don't like all your variations; the trick is to make these
lines as similar as possible, and let the *context* (the rest of the
verse) give changes in meaning. For a sestina to be first-rate, they
have to be *identical.* I think your lines are strong enough for that,
so I'd do that.
Also, I think your scansion and scanning needs some work; a couple of
lines don't scan, and in a couple the meter and the speech rythhm
don't match.
What I'll do, if you don't mind, is post a second reply with the
changes I'd make; you're free to try them on or not.
Also, you inspired me to post my best (because only villanelle) today.
It's called "Away" -- hope you look for it and read it.
George Dance
>
> “What do you get from that epiphany?”
> He’s fond of asking. I say I don’t know.
>
> “Why do you need a week alone to ski?”
> “What do you get from that epiphany?"
>
> "[You know I'm going to miss you, you'll miss me]."
> [I don't have time for this,] I need to go[,]
> [And if I knew, what would the] answer be?
> [Enough. He pounds] on me persistently—
> [but] not to hurt me, [just] to crack [..] ego.
> What do I get from that epiphany?
>
> I think he’ll shatter me indifferently
> [till] I surrender. But I don’t say so:
> [And if I knew, what would the] answer be?
>
> I redirect: ["]It isn’t you, it’s me[--].
> I’m just not ready yet[--]let’s take it slow.["]
> What [do I] get [from that] epiphany,
> [And if I knew], what would [the] answer be?
>
> Leisha
George Dance
> On Oct 31, 3:18 pm, Leisha <lei...@decisionresearch.org> wrote:
>
> verse) give changes in meaning. For a sestina to be first-rate, they
For a "villanelle," of course.
Well, at least that'll give Hammy Hog & the Piglets something to write
about. 8)
Dennis M. Hammes
> My Lover the Psychiatrist
>
> “What do you get from that epiphany?”
> He’s fond of asking. I say I don’t know.
> “If you did know, what would the answer be?”
Good refrains. They're animal, kvetchible, and minimal.
>
> “Why do you need a week alone to ski?”
Heh. "Reporting" the off-the-wall questions of a shrink lets you
toss in pretty much anything that rhymes (cheater, cheater, pants on
fire).
Naaah, you make sufficient /use/ of it.
> he asks. I say I’m inspired by snow.
> “What do you get from that? Epiphanies?
You can legitimately (and thus formally) use the singular.
>
> I assume you know we’ll both get lonely.”
> I can’t think about it; I need to go.
> “If you could think, what would your answer be?”
"If you could know," and that also the first (and formal)?
I can't see anything wrong (at the moment) with doing so.
>
> Okay. You pound on me persistently—
A typed dash -- is a space and two hyphens.
That up there asserts to be a hyphen before it turns out not to be.
> not to hurt me, but to crack my ego.
> “Where do you go from that epiphany?”
Again, the first use would still be correct.
>
> I think he’ll shatter me indifferently
> ‘til I surrender. But I don’t say so:
> It’s what is, not what my answer can be.
Wow. Even the first use would make more sense. If this line is that
important, cobble all the rest to fit here first.
(It's a common chore for the form.)
>
> I redirect: It isn’t you, it’s me.
> I’m just not ready yet; let’s take it slow.
> What do I get for this epiphany?
> If you were me, what would your answer be?
This really should conclude itself, not throw the piece at the reader
in throwing it to the addressee/lover/sickyatrist.
The looping refrains of the form make it soliloquy before it is
anything else, even when its masque is address.
Which technique is common. Cf. Dylan's famous exhortation "to"
his father. Try to use that as a model for exhortation or discourse,
you'll fail, because it's a soliloquy, i.e., he's poking himself, not
his dad.
>
> Leisha
When you cross two blades and dance over them, the object is not to
take along a partner, but to not-cut your feet.
You get off with a coupla minor flesh wounds, but your reader is
limping badly.
It allowed me to like it anyway.
--
-------(m+
~/:o)_|
Illiteracy and stupidity fight to the death every day.
Trouble is, they breed first.
http://scrawlmark.org
Leisha
Thanks, Dennis. I'm on my way to the back patio (my writing den), to
review your comments & weave them in. I wasn't sure whether the
singular would work in the first variation; you answered one of my
specific concerns.
I won't post it again, because I think that's tedious. But I
appreciate your comments muchly; I'll let you know what The Professor
has to say.
Leisha
Leisha
Thanks for commenting. Compared to you, it seems I'm a staunch
formalist; I *love* classic forms, especially the sonnet--which is
next week.
Leisha
Leisha
> It's called "Away" -- hope you look for it and read it.- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -
What you call speech rhythm is what my professor calls measure. You're
right; the measure is stressed here. I will work on that before I turn
it in.
I will look for your villanelle! Thanks.
Leisha
Myshitis Fromgod
*haha-
yes.
compared to me, you're the reincanation of alfred tennyson.