Gifts

[sarah spears]

Rough Draft

"Gifts"

In my mind, I could swirl an evening’s sea
and pull from brightest spool a tapestry.
I’d fleck it then, to stream upon the glass,
illuminate each wave, each far off mast
with Venus’s salt, and Solomon’s wine;
I’d Monet, for you, a fine art supine.

In my mind, I’d collect a thousand hills
and fling them far off for a Bedouin’s thrill;
against sky, an elder tribe mingling,
the careless clouds and the white peak’s shingling.
I’d take the hem of these stone tablecloths
and pull it wide to far fields, rustling off
hard gravel, cavern’s dandruff, to then rake
a harvest Demeter’d aspire to make.

In my mind, for you, I could weave a night
that hummed with crickets, and gave light
to cobbled paths by hoary glow; and stars
that seemed as deep as rich fields, adding far
layers and close hues to the simple black.
I could give you these and want nothing back.

~Sarah Spears

[d'huit]

sweet, darlin'. i love the tone, which so richly says 'sarah'. there are a
few rough spots in this one, a forced feeling rhyme or two. i love, ''with
Venus's salt, and Solomon's wine;> I'd Monet, for you''...lovely, lovely use
of monet in just the perfect spot to elicit multiple responses to it. this
one has potential and i'd love to see how you complete it.

kate

sarah spears <gh...@mindspring.com> wrote in message
news:7q8uh4$r04$1...@nntp3.atl.mindspring.net...

[sarah spears]

Kate, you're such a sweetheart. I'm so glad you liked the poem and gladder
still you told me so. Hopefully, I'll be able to iron out the rough spots.
You know the "monet" as a verb, I got that idea from you...a piece you did a
while back..I can't remember if it was the one about the first ladies, or
another one, but it came from you nonetheless. Thanks for the kind
comments.

regards,
Sarah
d'huit wrote in message <7q9f15$6fv$1...@bgtnsc03.worldnet.att.net>...

[Edmund Lively]

"
I'd Monet, for you, a fine art supine.
"

L6 doesn't give me the kind of back traction rhythm meter action I would
have expecting from the other lines.

"
Bedouin's
"

I am not sure you should capitalize bedouin unless it is a family name.
Saudia Arabia is country but bedouin is just a way of life. I never met
anyone named Nabil Bedouin. I guess it is not a family name. What do you
think?

"
elder tribe
"

elder = = from a previous time in history

is the clear intent

Thanks for the neo-impressionism.

[Tony Hoffman]

Well done, Sarah.
--Tony

sarah spears wrote in message <7q8uh4$r04$1...@nntp3.atl.mindspring.net>...

>Rough Draft
>
>"Gifts"
>
>In my mind, I could swirl an evening’s sea
>and pull from brightest spool a tapestry.
>I’d fleck it then, to stream upon the glass,
>illuminate each wave, each far off mast
>with Venus’s salt, and Solomon’s wine;

>I’d Monet, for you, a fine art supine.
>

[Pat Maweane]

The end ties up the poem very well.

Poeta nascitur non fit:
A pOeT iS bOrN, nOt MaDe

http://community.webtv.net/Hired_Pun/ThETwIsTeDPoEtRyoF

[sarah spears]

I'm so glad you liked it, Tony..:o) Thanks for taking the time to read and
comment.

regards,
Sarah
Tony Hoffman wrote in message <7q9s62$6oe$1...@bgtnsc01.worldnet.att.net>...

[Jerry Jenkins]

Sarah,

Keep working on this - it's going to be one of your best, if not the
best. You know what to do.

Don't you? <g>

Jerry

[sarah spears]

Coming from you, Jerry, this means so much to me. I'm thrilled you like it
and thank you for the encouragement...:o) I tried a new meter here, and was
feeling a bit awkward, but I found the 10 beat (as opposed to my usual 8)
allows for so much more development in terms of imagery and content. I
don't feel as locked to the rhyme, or as stunted by it.

>Keep working on this - it's going to be one of your best, if not the
>best. You know what to do.
>
>Don't you? <g>

uhh, tink so...;o)

Sarah

[Jerry Jenkins]

Sarah,

Work on the second stanza first. Its use of descending stress rhymes (shingling,
etc.) is good - although I have to tell you that novel rhymes such as those
don't usually fare well in couplets. They're better suited for quatrains or
other non-contiguous rhyme occurrences. Think about a poem (not necessarily this
one) written in that kind of rhyme pattern. Non-contiguity also works well for
(is almost indispensable to) slant rhyme, and opens up numerous possibilities
denied to you by rhyming couplets.

Jerry

[sarah spears]

Thank you once again, Jerry. I see what you mean here, and I've copied your
comments to refer to.

regards,
Sarah
Jerry Jenkins wrote in message <37C926BE...@worldnet.att.net>...

[Michael Stephens]

I've been reading this group for over an hour, trying to find something
worth reading. (Where have all these crazy people come from? Pat/Jerry, Amy,
UNICRON...) Finally found it here.

Good job.

ms

sarah spears <gh...@mindspring.com> wrote in message
news:7q8uh4$r04$1...@nntp3.atl.mindspring.net...

[sarah spears]

What a sweet thing to say..:o) Thanks for reading and doubly for
commenting, Michael. So glad you liked it.

regards,
Sarah
Michael Stephens wrote in message
<7qcfpd$qa8$1...@bgtnsc03.worldnet.att.net>...

[Frank Blanchard]

enjoyed this one.
esp: "adding far

layers and close
hues to the simple black."

-fb

[sarah spears]

Thank you, Frank. So glad you liked..:o) I loved that image, those nights
when the stars are so bright they make the night look deep; you can only get
those in the country or the mountains. (mountains best)

regards,
Sarah
Frank Blanchard wrote in message <37CAB77E...@clark.net>...

[unicorn]

This is very pretty, Sarah. :-)

Bonnie

[sarah spears]

Thank you, Bonnie. So glad you liked it...:o)

regards,
Sarah
unicorn wrote in message <37CDE5C3...@hhs.net>...