Still-life; 1st draft, c & c please
Mary
Peelings peeling in curls.
Bruised waxed patches
gleaming values of red,
thin as tights tight as paint.
Glob of fat-
free ivory flesh.
What is a cezanne
in verse? No depth but surface.
Skin.
Tissue.
An apple!
Blanched heart
carved
from original
wood
hear the whispers,
the sighs
the cutting of paper
angels---
fallen apple?
Mary
Steve Layton
"Mary" <cartebl...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:3ACA4C2B...@yahoo.com...
Hi Mary,
There was a woman here some time ago (Jean Majeski) who could do this
tightly sprung, click-and-flip (both sound and sense) line. I haven't seen
it so well done since, and I love it. That said, I think it can be more
compact; the strength is all in the word-stress and simple breaks, and
doesn't ask for much more "aeration". So maybe:
Still-life
Peelings peeling in curls.
Bruised waxed patches gleaming red,
thin as tights tight as paint.
Glob of fat - free ivory flesh.
What is a Cezanne in verse?
No depth but surface. Skin.
Tissue. An apple!
Blanched heart
carved from original
wood. Hear the whispers,
the sighs, the cutting of paper
angels -- fallen apple?
Out of the whole thing, I really only cut the words "values of"; they gum up
the crispness and add nothing.
Technically, there should be some punctuation between "tights" and "tight",
but in this case absolutely not; the two syllables have to hit one right
after the other. Bravo!
I left the next line with what's now an ambigous dash; there's no way to
completely tell which way to take it.
"Cezanne" is capped.
The next lines compress up, but I left a double play and complimentary words
in each.
The sound reflection "tissue/apple" is quite nice, and the exclamation point
is completely disarming.
The strong-meter stuff goes a little slack in the second section; by the
time of "hear the whispers", we think it's heading somewhere else. And yet
it doesn't really; you've just shifted the meter starting from "original",
and ending around to "angels"... Around, because it pivots in the same word,
back to the first with the "angels/fallen apple" line; the double meaning
and perky question mark turning everything right back on itself but tying it
up as neatly as a bow.
Smart vignette with excellent sound. Thanks for posting. (Now, forget
everything I just said and go write some more...)
~Steve L.
Mary
Thank you Steve for the read and suggestions.
Mary