Nature Sonnet c&c
unicorn
Nature Sonnet
Beneath a country bridge of crumbling stone,
gray minnows dart through shafts of liquid light
that pierce the shallow stream now overgrown
with reeds that hug the edge. Thin lizards, bright
with color, slither past smooth pebble beds
where crayfish hide their muddy bodies deep,
and dragonflies go flitting overhead,
while little green frogs sing their mates to sleep.
This nature world exists for its own ends,
exclusive, with its own concern and need,
unconscious of what lies beyond the bends,
far from the bustling life we humans lead.
Perhaps this tiny world, each life and clod,
like ours, is valued in the sight of God.
Bonnie
JAS Carter
unicorn <uni...@hhs.net> wrote:
Hi Bonnie.
I like sonnets. :) Nice peaceful imagery, and a good job with the
meter. Some would quibble that you don't have the octave and sextet
separated in intent... but I've never much cared for that particular
rule.
One spot where your meter goes awry... line 8.
Julie Carter
jsgo...@geocities.com
http://jsgoddess.ourfamily.com
RealName=jsgoddess
--
Qui terret, plus ipse timet.--Claudian
d'huit
good at writing them, so i can't comment on form or meter, but your imagery
is strong and i especially like the line, 'thin lizards...' kate
unicorn <uni...@hhs.net> wrote in message news:37895FA7...@hhs.net...
Tony Hoffman
I really like the first eight lines, a scene well painted, good meter (the
only place it bumped was at "while little green frogs". I don't think that
most of the line-ending commas were necessary. I dislike the tentativeness
in the couplet; for me, it's self-evident that other species are just as
important a part of creation as we are, and so the word "perhaps" bothers
me. The other phrase I didn't like was "This nature world". Perhaps because
the whole world is (or was) a "nature world", and although humanity has
tried to shape it to its own ends, we are as dependent on it, and on
learning to live in harmony with it, as it is dependent on our treating it
with respect. Although it is easy to feel estranged from nature (as I often
do, living in the big city), we are a part of the natural world, and can't
afford to forget it. But enough of my ecological rant--I thought it was, on
the whole, quite well done.
--Tony
unicorn
Bonnie
d'huit wrote:
> i thought this was an interesting topic for a sonnet, bonnie. i'm not very
> good at writing them, so i can't comment on form or meter, but your imagery
> is strong and i especially like the line, 'thin lizards...' kate
>
> unicorn <uni...@hhs.net> wrote in message news:37895FA7...@hhs.net...
> >
unicorn
Bonnie
JAS Carter wrote:
> On Sun, 11 Jul 1999 23:23:19 -0400, in alt.arts.poetry.comments
> unicorn <uni...@hhs.net> wrote:
>
> Hi Bonnie.
>
> I like sonnets. :) Nice peaceful imagery, and a good job with the
> meter. Some would quibble that you don't have the octave and sextet
> separated in intent... but I've never much cared for that particular
> rule.
>
> One spot where your meter goes awry... line 8.
>
> >Nature Sonnet
> >
> >Beneath a country bridge of crumbling stone,
> >gray minnows dart through shafts of liquid light
> >that pierce the shallow stream now overgrown
> >with reeds that hug the edge. Thin lizards, bright
> >with color, slither past smooth pebble beds
> >where crayfish hide their muddy bodies deep,
> >and dragonflies go flitting overhead,
> >while little green frogs sing their mates to sleep.
> >This nature world exists for its own ends,
> >exclusive, with its own concern and need,
> >unconscious of what lies beyond the bends,
> >far from the bustling life we humans lead.
> >Perhaps this tiny world, each life and clod,
> >like ours, is valued in the sight of God.
> >
> >Bonnie
>
unicorn
I think you are right about your comments. I'll remember them in the rewrite.
Thanks.
Bonnie
Tony Hoffman wrote:
> Bonnie--
>
> I really like the first eight lines, a scene well painted, good meter (the
> only place it bumped was at "while little green frogs". I don't think that
> most of the line-ending commas were necessary. I dislike the tentativeness
> in the couplet; for me, it's self-evident that other species are just as
> important a part of creation as we are, and so the word "perhaps" bothers
> me. The other phrase I didn't like was "This nature world". Perhaps because
> the whole world is (or was) a "nature world", and although humanity has
> tried to shape it to its own ends, we are as dependent on it, and on
> learning to live in harmony with it, as it is dependent on our treating it
> with respect. Although it is easy to feel estranged from nature (as I often
> do, living in the big city), we are a part of the natural world, and can't
> afford to forget it. But enough of my ecological rant--I thought it was, on
> the whole, quite well done.
>
> --Tony
>
> >
Jerry Jenkins
This is really nice. I'm impressed with the effort you put into your
work. I believe some lines are a little inflated and may need some
reduction, with the attendant requirement that you interject substance
rather than style in the place of the excess words. One such example is
the passage " now overgrown with reeds that hug the edge". I think
ending with the reeds, which by implication grow along the edge of
bodies of water, would be better. The passage " that hug the edge" thus
becomes superfluous and will require adjustment. I agree with those who
appreciate the description of the lizards and the detailed observation
of the aquatic life. I think the passage about the frogs singing their
mates to sleep may be a trifle overdone, as the peeping and croaking of
frogs is for territorial defense and mating, rather than a lullaby for
lady frogs (although it's a nice hominid conceit).
Why not delete 'nature' from 'nature world'? It's clear in context that
the poem contemplates the small, self-contained and thriving aquatic
world it describes.
The first line reminds me of the poem by (I think) Emerson: "By the rude
bridge that arched the flood/their flag to April's breeze unfurled",
etc.
The couplet is very nice. It follows logically from the argument the
poem constructs, and provides an insight appropriate to the macrocosm
the poem implies.
Nicely done.
Jerry
unicorn
I'm glad you saw this one. I'm pleased that you like it. I think you are
right about "hug the edge." I may change "sing their mates to sleep", if I
can find something better." I liked the sound of it, though. I'll delete
"nature". I agree it isn't good there, but I need to replace it with
something else, for the meter.
Maybe I should put "I know" instead of "Perhaps". As Tony said, it should
be evident anyway that the aquatic world is important.
When I was young, our family used to go to a stream such as this, under a
bridge, where my father liked to wash his car by the water. I still
remember the wonders of it. :-)
Thanks so much for commenting.
Bonnie
Jerry Jenkins
It's dangerous to replace bloated phrases with something else that serves only
to fill the meter - it's a sure sign that there's not that much in the poem. If
you have problems finding anything substantial to say in the suspect lines,
then write in a briefer form. I think I've mentioned the dizain form before. I
like to think of it as a smaller sonnet with a different shape. It as used
exensively by the poet Maurice Scheve for nature themes and to describe
fanciful animals. I see it'smissing from the list of poetic terms in Bob's
Byway, one of the net's best quick references, so here's the form, as described
by Alfred Dorn, an excellent poet who founded the World Order of Narrative and
Formalist Poets:
rhyme pattern ababbccdcd, iambic pentameter. Notice that it's perfectly
symmetrical, mirrorlike - a good feature for a poem that reflects on themes as
you poem does.
Washing a car by a stream seems antithetical to me, but I know what you mean
about the childhood wonder.
Good luck with the revision.
Jerry
unicorn
I don't know if I want to change the whole poem to a completely different form, but
I will if nothing else works. I've never heard of a dizain. Does it need any
special turning in phrase, such as the sonnet does in certain places?
I do have a couple of ideas that could be used for replacement phrases, such as I
could say something like "where insects cling", instead of "that hug the edge",
which would be adding something more than just filling in, but I don't know.
Well, I guess it does sound antithetical, but at the time when we washed the car
under the bridge, we lived where we hadn't a good place to wash it. We didn't have
a driveway, and he didn't like doing it by the street in front of our house. And
we would get buckets of water from the stream to wash it with. I don't know, but
that's what he liked doing. He was originally a country guy, and this was quite a
long time ago, as I am middle-aged. He didn't like carwash places, either.
I left out that there were also giant mosquitoes there one time, but I didn't think
that was a pleasant image. :-)
Thanks, Jerry.
JAS Carter
unicorn <uni...@hhs.net> wrote:
Hi Bonnie. :)
>Thanks, Julie. I know that line isn't quite right. Any suggestions?
Well... "While little frogs sings their green mates to sleep"?
>> I like sonnets. :) Nice peaceful imagery, and a good job with the
>> meter. Some would quibble that you don't have the octave and sextet
>> separated in intent... but I've never much cared for that particular
>> rule.
>>
>> One spot where your meter goes awry... line 8.
>>
>> >Nature Sonnet
>> >
>> >Beneath a country bridge of crumbling stone,
>> >gray minnows dart through shafts of liquid light
>> >that pierce the shallow stream now overgrown
>> >with reeds that hug the edge. Thin lizards, bright
>> >with color, slither past smooth pebble beds
>> >where crayfish hide their muddy bodies deep,
>> >and dragonflies go flitting overhead,
>> >while little green frogs sing their mates to sleep.
>> >This nature world exists for its own ends,
>> >exclusive, with its own concern and need,
>> >unconscious of what lies beyond the bends,
>> >far from the bustling life we humans lead.
>> >Perhaps this tiny world, each life and clod,
>> >like ours, is valued in the sight of God.
>> >
>> >Bonnie
>>
JAS Carter
jsgo...@geocities.com (JAS Carter) wrote:
>On Mon, 12 Jul 1999 22:35:08 -0400, in alt.arts.poetry.comments
>unicorn <uni...@hhs.net> wrote:
>
>Hi Bonnie. :)
>
>>Thanks, Julie. I know that line isn't quite right. Any suggestions?
>
>Well... "While little frogs sings their green mates to sleep"?
Oops. That should be "sing." :|
unicorn
That's almost the same thing, only I think the meter is worse yet. :-)
Thanks, though, for trying.
Bonnie
JAS Carter wrote:
> On Mon, 12 Jul 1999 22:35:08 -0400, in alt.arts.poetry.comments
> unicorn <uni...@hhs.net> wrote:
>
> Hi Bonnie. :)
>
> >Thanks, Julie. I know that line isn't quite right. Any suggestions?
>
> Well... "While little frogs sings their green mates to sleep"?
>
> >> I like sonnets. :) Nice peaceful imagery, and a good job with the
> >> meter. Some would quibble that you don't have the octave and sextet
> >> separated in intent... but I've never much cared for that particular
> >> rule.
> >>
> >> One spot where your meter goes awry... line 8.
> >>
> >> >Nature Sonnet
> >> >
> >> >Beneath a country bridge of crumbling stone,
> >> >gray minnows dart through shafts of liquid light
> >> >that pierce the shallow stream now overgrown
> >> >with reeds that hug the edge. Thin lizards, bright
> >> >with color, slither past smooth pebble beds
> >> >where crayfish hide their muddy bodies deep,
> >> >and dragonflies go flitting overhead,
> >> >while little green frogs sing their mates to sleep.
> >> >This nature world exists for its own ends,
> >> >exclusive, with its own concern and need,
> >> >unconscious of what lies beyond the bends,
> >> >far from the bustling life we humans lead.
> >> >Perhaps this tiny world, each life and clod,
> >> >like ours, is valued in the sight of God.
> >> >
> >> >Bonnie
> >>
Jerry Jenkins
The perfect bilateral symmetry of the dizain is an opportunity, but not an obligation,
for the verse to turn. I like the form most because of the brevity it permits (and
encourages).
unicorn
Jerry Jenkins
bilateral symmetry is symmetrical arrangement along a central axis, so that the body is
divided into equivalent right and left (or top and bottom) halves by only one plane.
In the dizain, the axis is the imaginary line between lines 5 and 6 in the rhyme pattern
"ababbccdcd"
Jerry
Tony Hoffman
unicorn wrote in message <378BBC47...@hhs.net>...
>Julie,
>That's almost the same thing, only I think the meter is worse yet. :-)
>Thanks, though, for trying.
>
>Bonnie
I can't find a way to totally preserve the sense of the line, but maybe
something like "while small green frogs sound symphonies in peeps".
--Tony
>
>JAS Carter wrote:
>
>> On Mon, 12 Jul 1999 22:35:08 -0400, in alt.arts.poetry.comments
>> unicorn <uni...@hhs.net> wrote:
>>
>> Hi Bonnie. :)
>>
>> >Thanks, Julie. I know that line isn't quite right. Any suggestions?
>>
>> Well... "While little frogs sings their green mates to sleep"?
>>
>> >> I like sonnets. :) Nice peaceful imagery, and a good job with the
>> >> meter. Some would quibble that you don't have the octave and sextet
>> >> separated in intent... but I've never much cared for that particular
>> >> rule.
>> >>
>> >> One spot where your meter goes awry... line 8.
>> >>
>> >> >Nature Sonnet
>> >> >
>> >> >Beneath a country bridge of crumbling stone,
>> >> >gray minnows dart through shafts of liquid light
>> >> >that pierce the shallow stream now overgrown
>> >> >with reeds that hug the edge. Thin lizards, bright
>> >> >with color, slither past smooth pebble beds
>> >> >where crayfish hide their muddy bodies deep,
>> >> >and dragonflies go flitting overhead,
>> >> >while little green frogs sing their mates to sleep.
>> >> >This nature world exists for its own ends,
>> >> >exclusive, with its own concern and need,
>> >> >unconscious of what lies beyond the bends,
>> >> >far from the bustling life we humans lead.
>> >> >Perhaps this tiny world, each life and clod,
>> >> >like ours, is valued in the sight of God.
>> >> >
>> >> >Bonnie
>> >>
unicorn
unicorn
I don't know. I used "symphonies" in another poem, in relation to crickets'
songs, and no one seemed to think it worked. I don't think "sound" sounds
right, either. I think I will have to change the meaning of the line to fix
it. Maybe "leap" instead of "sleep" at the end, since frogs leap, would give
me better choices to form a sentence there. Thanks for trying to help,
though. It was thoughtful.
Bonnie
Tony Hoffman wrote:
> >
> >Bonnie
>
> I can't find a way to totally preserve the sense of the line, but maybe
> something like "while small green frogs sound symphonies in peeps".
> --Tony
> >
> >JAS Carter wrote:
> >
> >> On Mon, 12 Jul 1999 22:35:08 -0400, in alt.arts.poetry.comments
> >> unicorn <uni...@hhs.net> wrote:
> >>
> >> Hi Bonnie. :)
> >>
> >> >Thanks, Julie. I know that line isn't quite right. Any suggestions?
> >>
> >> Well... "While little frogs sings their green mates to sleep"?
> >>
> >> >> I like sonnets. :) Nice peaceful imagery, and a good job with the
> >> >> meter. Some would quibble that you don't have the octave and sextet
> >> >> separated in intent... but I've never much cared for that particular
> >> >> rule.
> >> >>
> >> >> One spot where your meter goes awry... line 8.
> >> >>
> >> >> >Nature Sonnet
> >> >> >
> >> >> >Beneath a country bridge of crumbling stone,
> >> >> >gray minnows dart through shafts of liquid light
> >> >> >that pierce the shallow stream now overgrown
> >> >> >with reeds that hug the edge. Thin lizards, bright
> >> >> >with color, slither past smooth pebble beds
> >> >> >where crayfish hide their muddy bodies deep,
> >> >> >and dragonflies go flitting overhead,
> >> >> >while little green frogs sing their mates to sleep.
> >> >> >This nature world exists for its own ends,
> >> >> >exclusive, with its own concern and need,
> >> >> >unconscious of what lies beyond the bends,
> >> >> >far from the bustling life we humans lead.
> >> >> >Perhaps this tiny world, each life and clod,
> >> >> >like ours, is valued in the sight of God.
> >> >> >
> >> >> >Bonnie
> >> >>
Dorian1978
bueaty. at the volta do oyu mena natural world. I think you have nature. I
think the only major problem is that you have chunky sentences that make the
flow of the poem hard to follow. you should read a country mouse by Robert
Burns, that poem has a simlar effect I think to that which you are trying to
convey
Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow/Creeps in this petty pace from day to day/
tothe last syllable of recorded time;/And all our yesterdays have lighted
fools/ The way to dusty death:Out, out brief candle!/Life's but a walking
shadow, a poor player.
rickfry
unicorn wrote:
>
> Nature Sonnet nice.booby.
unicorn
Bonnie
unicorn
Bonnie
rickfry
the nerves in preparation for sleep.
1)I called you bobby by mistake
2) the o should of been a b(whackiest typo I've seen for a while)
3) I couldn't believe my eyes when I read this! Ha! I thought for a
minute somebody eslse posted that and signed my name! I blame it on the
heat.
unicorn
poem.
Bonnie
unicorn
have put his comment in the title of my poem, either. It looked bad. Hear
that, Rick?
Bonnie
d'huit wrote:
> oh, god. i haven't laughed so hard in a while! bonnie, your 'What?' was
> priceless. and rick, i'm lead fingered too, but this one took the cake!
> geesh. i hope you two don't mind, but i just had to let you know how
> astonishingly funny i found this. i may never recover. thank you
> both...sincerely.... i desparately needed that laugh today. kate
>
> unicorn <uni...@hhs.net> wrote in message news:378C8585...@hhs.net...
d'huit
d'huit
at the craziness of it. maybe i shouldn't have said anything. i really
couldn't help myself. and i so needed that laugh. kate
unicorn <uni...@hhs.net> wrote in message news:378D0D16...@hhs.net...
> Yes, it was funny, but not at first. I was shocked at first! :-) He
shouldn't
> have put his comment in the title of my poem, either. It looked bad.
Hear
> that, Rick?
>
> Bonnie
>
> d'huit wrote:
>
unicorn
:-)
Bonnie
rickfry
unicorn wrote:
>
> Yes, it was funny, but not at first. I was shocked at first! :-) He shouldn't
> have put his comment in the title of my poem, either. It looked bad. Hear
> that, Rick?
> All right. Full confession. I took one (maybe two, can't remember) of my wife's sleeping pills.
I slept really well. Forgive me, and I'll sleep better tonight.
R.F.
d'huit
unicorn <uni...@hhs.net> wrote in message news:378D1215...@hhs.net...
> That's ok, Kate. You made me see how funny it looked and gave me a laugh,
too.
> :-)
>
> Bonnie
>
> d'huit wrote:
>
> > i'm sorry, bonnie. i'm sure it WAS a shock to you. forgive me for
laughing
> > at the craziness of it. maybe i shouldn't have said anything. i really
> > couldn't help myself. and i so needed that laugh. kate
> >
> > unicorn <uni...@hhs.net> wrote in message
news:378D0D16...@hhs.net...
> > > Yes, it was funny, but not at first. I was shocked at first! :-) He
> > shouldn't
> > > have put his comment in the title of my poem, either. It looked bad.
> > Hear
> > > that, Rick?
> > >
unicorn
Bonnie
rickfry wrote:
> unicorn wrote:
> >
> > Yes, it was funny, but not at first. I was shocked at first! :-) He shouldn't
> > have put his comment in the title of my poem, either. It looked bad. Hear
> > that, Rick?
> > All right. Full confession. I took one (maybe two, can't remember) of my wife's sleeping pills.
> I slept really well. Forgive me, and I'll sleep better tonight.
> R.F.
unicorn
Bonnie
Mop wrote:
> I'm sorry Bonnie I have to agree with Kate
> that what? was bloody priceless
> ignoring of course the typo in the first place <g>
>
> Mop
> still smiling
>
> --
> June's Guest Poet: Dale Houstman
> June's Feature: The Popol Vuh Translations
> http://www.go-get.co.uk/gopoems/
>
> Tony Hoffman interview & AAPC FAQ
> http://www.go-get.co.uk/gopoems/aapc
>
> unicorn <uni...@hhs.net> wrote in message news:378D1519...@hhs.net...