Still Life//tdc
Dai Crowther
Old age is not for cissies,
there is scarce joy to be found
in the leave-taking of life,
lifelong loves and bright senses.
We may jest of aching bones,
short-term recall and seizure
and celebrate the carte-blanche
gift of eccentricity
but these are scant disguises,
role-playing caricatures
to cushion the truth of old,
the sureness of transience.
Our voices may leak and peep
when we might shriek or bellow
but we have not lost the gift
of anger or giddy rage,
we just channel our passions
to focus on dignity
in our final stand against
the banality of death.
Dai.
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Peter J Ross
an isotope of "Dai Crowther" <d...@dragon-tales.co.uk>. These are their
preliminary results:
> Still Life
>
> Old age is not for cissies,
> there is scarce joy to be found
> in the leave-taking of life,
> lifelong loves and bright senses.
>
> We may jest of aching bones,
> short-term recall and seizure
"Seizure" is puzzling. Do you mean "seizures"?
> and celebrate the carte-blanche
> gift of eccentricity
>
> but these are scant disguises,
> role-playing caricatures
> to cushion the truth of old,
A weak line. "Cushion" is metaphorical, and the metaphor hasn't been
worn down enough by repeated use for it not to be distracting here;
and "old" is one of the thematic words underlying the poem, but is
used here non-thematically, which is also distracting. If you really
need the concept that this truth isn't new, you might need to express
it differently.
> the sureness of transience.
Nobody in this group handles abstract nouns better than you, and this
is another of your object lessons in how to do it.
>
> Our voices may leak and peep
> when we might shriek or bellow
> but we have not lost the gift
> of anger or giddy rage,
>
> we just channel our passions
"Just channel" contains a succession of consonants that are difficult
to pronounce together. It slows the reading for no particular reason.
> to focus on dignity
In these two lines the abstractions aren't working - perhaps because
the verbs both have concrete meanings, with the result that you're
caught somewhere between plain statement and poetic image without
quite achieving either.
> in our final stand against
"Last" would be simpler than "final".
> the banality of death.
I don't see how else you can express this, but it's unfortunate that
it resembles the famous quotation about the banality of evil: it could
leave the reader with a powerful but irrelevant train of thought.
The theme has been done very often, but you've put a lot of freshness
into it. I enjoyed reading, much more than my focus on the perceived
faults might suggest.
PJR :-)
Dai Crowther
news:0hgb1uksbdh7ckas1...@4ax.com...
Our scientists have been trying to fuse alt.arts.poetry.comments with
an isotope of "Dai Crowther" <d...@dragon-tales.co.uk>. These are their
preliminary results:
> Still Life
>
> Old age is not for cissies,
> there is scarce joy to be found
> in the leave-taking of life,
> lifelong loves and bright senses.
>
> We may jest of aching bones,
> short-term recall and seizure
"Seizure" is puzzling. Do you mean "seizures"?
* I did but try to get away with seizure. 8^)
> and celebrate the carte-blanche
> gift of eccentricity
>
> but these are scant disguises,
> role-playing caricatures
> to cushion the truth of old,
A weak line. "Cushion" is metaphorical, and the metaphor hasn't been
worn down enough by repeated use for it not to be distracting here;
and "old" is one of the thematic words underlying the poem, but is
used here non-thematically, which is also distracting. If you really
need the concept that this truth isn't new, you might need to express
it differently.
* Ok - points taken and accepted.
> the sureness of transience.
Nobody in this group handles abstract nouns better than you, and this
is another of your object lessons in how to do it.
* seminars, workshops and cue-cards available.
> Our voices may leak and peep
> when we might shriek or bellow
> but we have not lost the gift
> of anger or giddy rage,
>
> we just channel our passions
"Just channel" contains a succession of consonants that are difficult
to pronounce together. It slows the reading for no particular reason.
* Ok - thanks.
> to focus on dignity
In these two lines the abstractions aren't working - perhaps because
the verbs both have concrete meanings, with the result that you're
caught somewhere between plain statement and poetic image without
quite achieving either.
Ok - and thanks again.
> in our final stand against
"Last" would be simpler than "final".
*Yep.
> the banality of death.
I don't see how else you can express this, but it's unfortunate that
it resembles the famous quotation about the banality of evil: it could
leave the reader with a powerful but irrelevant train of thought.
* powerful = good. irrelevant = ba. Ok.
The theme has been done very often, but you've put a lot of freshness
into it. I enjoyed reading, much more than my focus on the perceived
faults might suggest.
PJR :-)
* Thanks -Peter.