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Texasisms
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bs
Feb 14, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/14/00
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Texas Expressions I've Run Across on I-10:
-----------------------------------------
As tasty as a lard sandwich and a glass of ice water.
He's all vine and no tomatoes.
If brains were gasoline he wouldn't have enough to ride a
motor scooter around the inside of a doughnut.
All his biscuits ain't done.
So sick I'd have to get better to die.
Too thick to drink and too wet to plow.
That really chaps my gizzard.
If wishes were fishes we'd all have a fry.
So dry the trees were hunting dogs.
The devil owed him a debt and paid him in son-in-laws.
He got the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
Two days older than God.
Hidden in the basement like a crazy aunt.
Handy as hip pockets on a hog.
All hat and no cattle.
Dumber than dirt.
Older than two trees.
If ya' cain't run with the big dogs...stay on the porch.
Like a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest.
Like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Tighter than bark on a tree.
Like ugly on an ape.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Ugly as a mud fence.
Crooked as a dog's hind leg.
Like a gnat in a hailstorm.
Dumb as a box of hammers.
Beat him like a rented mule.
She could talk the legs off a chair.
He's all hat and no horse.
She said that he's all cattle and no prod.
If that ain't a fact, God's a possum.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
He's so busy, you'd think he was twins.
He'll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo craps.
It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
Cold as a cast iron commode.
She's two sandwiches short of a picnic.
Ugly? Why she's so ugly that she needs to sneak up
on a glass of water else the glass breaks.
Confused as a goat on astro-turf.
So ugly that his mama takes him everywhere she goes
so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.
Looks like he sorts bobcats for a living.
So buck-toothed that he could eat corn-on-the-cob
through a picket fence.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a fly.
-----------------------------------------
As tasty as a lard sandwich and a glass of ice water.
He's all vine and no tomatoes.
If brains were gasoline he wouldn't have enough to ride a
motor scooter around the inside of a doughnut.
All his biscuits ain't done.
So sick I'd have to get better to die.
Too thick to drink and too wet to plow.
That really chaps my gizzard.
If wishes were fishes we'd all have a fry.
So dry the trees were hunting dogs.
The devil owed him a debt and paid him in son-in-laws.
He got the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
Two days older than God.
Hidden in the basement like a crazy aunt.
Handy as hip pockets on a hog.
All hat and no cattle.
Dumber than dirt.
Older than two trees.
If ya' cain't run with the big dogs...stay on the porch.
Like a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest.
Like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Tighter than bark on a tree.
Like ugly on an ape.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Ugly as a mud fence.
Crooked as a dog's hind leg.
Like a gnat in a hailstorm.
Dumb as a box of hammers.
Beat him like a rented mule.
She could talk the legs off a chair.
He's all hat and no horse.
She said that he's all cattle and no prod.
If that ain't a fact, God's a possum.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
He's so busy, you'd think he was twins.
He'll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo craps.
It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
Cold as a cast iron commode.
She's two sandwiches short of a picnic.
Ugly? Why she's so ugly that she needs to sneak up
on a glass of water else the glass breaks.
Confused as a goat on astro-turf.
So ugly that his mama takes him everywhere she goes
so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.
Looks like he sorts bobcats for a living.
So buck-toothed that he could eat corn-on-the-cob
through a picket fence.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a fly.
-bs
di
Feb 15, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/15/00
to
Loved these, Bob. Made me think for a minute that I was back home.
bs wrote in message ...
>Texas Expressions I've Run Across on I-10:
>-----------------------------------------
[...]
BushSt2
Feb 15, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/15/00
to
Very funny. Made me laugh!
bs
Feb 17, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/17/00
to
Don't-Know Mind wrote:
>bs wrote:
> >Texas Expressions I've Run Across on I-10:
> >-----------------------------------------
> Texas/Southern Oklahoma:
>
> Useless as tits on a boar.
> I'm so hungover, I feel like I was ate by a wolf and shit off a
> cliff.
> She's so ugly she looks like someone set her on fire and put her
> out with a hatchet.
> Somebody opened up a can of whoop-ass on him.
> So mean, she chews barbwire (bobwar)
> Looks like someone hit him with an ugly stick.
> I've known him since God was a pup.
> 13th pig on a 12 tit sow.
> Better put some gunpowder on his cornflakes.
> She just give you the skunkeye.
> Kids: treeapes, yardapes, landapes.
> As nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
> You could piss in his ear and tell him it was rainin.
> All ate up with the dumb-ass. (the D.A.)
> He sure got the fire knocked out of his ass.
> Beat him like a redheaded stepchild.
> Oilfield trash.
> Don't tell my folks I work in the oil patch. They think I'm a
> piano player in a whorehouse.
> Yer shittin in tall cotton now, boy.
> purtier than a speckled puppy.
>bs wrote:
> >Texas Expressions I've Run Across on I-10:
> >-----------------------------------------
>
> Useless as tits on a boar.
> I'm so hungover, I feel like I was ate by a wolf and shit off a
> cliff.
> She's so ugly she looks like someone set her on fire and put her
> out with a hatchet.
> Somebody opened up a can of whoop-ass on him.
> So mean, she chews barbwire (bobwar)
> Looks like someone hit him with an ugly stick.
> I've known him since God was a pup.
> 13th pig on a 12 tit sow.
> Better put some gunpowder on his cornflakes.
> She just give you the skunkeye.
> Kids: treeapes, yardapes, landapes.
> As nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
> You could piss in his ear and tell him it was rainin.
> All ate up with the dumb-ass. (the D.A.)
> He sure got the fire knocked out of his ass.
> Beat him like a redheaded stepchild.
> Oilfield trash.
> Don't tell my folks I work in the oil patch. They think I'm a
> piano player in a whorehouse.
> Yer shittin in tall cotton now, boy.
> purtier than a speckled puppy.
Excellent. A friend of mine from Texas is putting on the ball and chain this
year and I wanted to surprise him... been collecting these... texicological
web page coming soon.
-bs
BushSt2
Feb 19, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/19/00
to
Just a few to add:
Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
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