Post your Peer Edited version of your partner's HK Urban Legend here.  Be
sure to have *their original words in black* and your annotations,
additions, changes, suggestions, comments, *in red. *
*
*

Your Peer Editing is complete once you have:

1)  Read your partner's story from start to finish at least four times.

2)  Grammer: Made comments and corrections related to sentence-level errors.
3)  Made 3-4 comments related to *Elements of Urban Legends* (Use of human
fear of the unknown, use of everyday items, use of a piece of "evidence",
etc)

4)  Made 5-6 comments & suggested additions related to *descriptive writing*.
 Is your partner "showing instead of telling?"  Does the writing display an
attention to detail & do they "know the names of flowers"--    

meaning do they include detailed descriptions of HK life, culture,
locations, smells, sights, sounds, touch & feelings?

        5) * Title*.  Suggest two new titles for your partner by typing
them below their title.  
        6)  Include, PEER EDITED BY: Sidney Crosby (8-9) *in bold* at the
bottom of the page.

*Jerry's Urban Legend*

black text= original
red text= by the editor

*

   The land of VSA was originally a part of a theatre called "The Theatre oftheGoddess". The theatre had it
’s last show 10 years ago when the famous singer CY sang her last song before
she was assassinated by a spy from Russia who is disguised as an audience.
CY wanted to seek revenge on the spy, and from that point forward, the
grounds near the theatre are said to be haunted by her ghost. The grounds
continue to be haunted, even after multiple changes in terrain.

    Many years later, a girl named Nicole works in a school called VSA,
which was built on top of the land that used to be the "The Theatre of the Goddess".
One night, while she was going to make a movie about VSA during nighttime, she
heard a ghostly voice coming from the auditorium. Her blood froze for a moment.
She thought it was just an illusion. She walked towards the auditorium as
the voice grew louder and louder. She opened the door of the pitch black
auditorium as the entire theatre lit up magically. On the center stage, she
saw a woman singing in English. Nicole walked towards to the woman and triedto touch her, but she disappeared and
reappeared on the other side of the auditorium.  Nicole was astonished asone of the stage
lights fell on her, killing her instantly.  

    Many years later, Nicole’s dried blood is still present in the floor of
the auditorium, the school tried to clean it away once, but the blood
stayed, and the school eventually had to board it up to prevent any
suspicion of paranormal activities.        

    From that point forward, the legend of the ghost of CY continued to
haunt the auditorium. Until CY gets her revenge, nobody can ever live in
the night of VSA.

Elements of Urban Legends:

- Jerry successfully expressed the human fear of unknowns in the story by
putting a ghost in the story, the main character- Nicole is also very
afraid of the ghost.

- Jerry made the story native to Hong Kong by setting the story in VSA, a
school based in Hong Kong.

- In the story Nicole’s blood is present in the auditorium after her death,
it serves as an evidence that makes the story seem realistic

Descriptive Writing:
Jerry’s writing is pretty descriptive, he made references to how Nicole’s
“blood froze” instead of telling us that she’s afraid. Although it’ll be
better if Jerry described what the ghost looked like and putting more
emphasis onto the locations (such as the theatre, the auditorium and the
school itself) rather than telling the story with very few descriptive
techniques. This makes the story seem rushed and incomplete.

Titles:

THE SINGER’S SPIRIT

THE PHANTOM OF THE AUDITORIUM

Peer Edited by Ian Lee (8-6)*

One day, when it was Moon Night Festival, Jerry celebrated with his family.
They were having a good time, except that Jerry’s mother gave a grimace of
depress. Therefore, Jerry asked her mother what she wanted. Her mother
replied in an angry and contempt voice, saying that no one can help her and
she wanted to go to the mountain (Lion Rock).

Afterwards, Jerry leaded his whole family to go up to the mountain. While
walking up the mountain, they saw many dark trees. Suddenly, Jerry heard
someone crying. So, he walked to the person and found that the person's
face was very pale. The person was crying so hard Jerry was curious what
happened thus asked.

The person replied, "I am so worried. My wife disappeared three years ago, but
I hear the moon is telling me that she would come back and kill me." Jerry
told him not to be afraid and don't believe the myth. The person cried even
harder, so Jerry said he would tell his parents to wait for him longer.
When Jerry came back, he found that the person's dead. Jerry was terrified
and came back to find his family. When he found his family, he found that
his mother was dead.

At last, a mysterious man told Jerry that the person who was dead was his
mother's ex boyfriend.

The END (I am so scared of Horror Stories so this is not at all)-not
necessary

I think the piece of evidence is the mysterious man telling Jerry that the
person who was dead was his mother's ex boyfriend and when Jerry came back,
he found that the person's dead. Jerry was terrified and came back to find
his family. When he found his family, he found that his mother was dead. At
last, a mystery man told Jerry that the person who was dead was his
mother's ex boyfriend.

“She knows the names of flowers"

The mysterious man.

A story about strangely weird mysterious man.                    

 *PEER EDITED BY: **Kary Lui (8-6) *

Edit other’s urban legends.

Cookie_Melody_So (8-6):

Urban of Mr. Copus

Ten years ago.... In VSA..... Mr. Copus was an old teacher and he can’t
talk very well. The principal Mr. Parker started to think Mr. Copus won’t
have much help towards the students, so Mr. Copus got fired. Mr. Copus
committed suicide after he heard the bad news, inside his classroom no.1112.
He burnt down his classroom and died.

After Mr. Copus died, he was replace by Mr. Supoc. The ghost of Mr. Copus
was so angry because he loved his classroom and he doesn’t want anyone to
have it. He tried to speak but he said something in a language he didn’tunderstand - Chinese....

From the day Mr. Copus found himself speaking Chinese, every Thursday
10:20am, when Mr. Supoc is teaching English, there’s someone saying Chinese
even all the students aren’t talking.

Comments:

Cookie, you have used element “fear of the unknown” quite well, since the
students and the teacher didn’t know who was speaking Chinese.

I believe you have used everyday elements, if you count the classroom and
Mr. Copus. I see him almost everyday. But you may consider using something
that we can use and touch everyday such as wallets of scarfs or letter
jackets. Objects not people or places.

You’ve got great evidence. You can say that Mr. Copus’s voice appears in
his classroom. J

I think you can show more than tell. I believe you can do better, Cookie.
Give more detail.

A good title might be the Legend of Mr. Copus’s Ghost or The Mysterious
Voice in 1112.

Pier edit of the Urban Legend:

Natalie Chan (8-6):

Have you been on a Hong Kong bus before? You might know some famous ones,
like 75, 72A, 82D and 2A.  But have you ever heard of 35? NO! But there’s a
story why it doesn’t exist…

One midnight, long ago, when the bus company of Hong Kong just opened, the
bus #35 went driving down the road. The bus driver, Adam Copus, almost have
to finish his job for the day. He was driving to the terminal. He looked at
the rear mirror – there was only one passenger left. It was a girl at the
most rear part of the bus.

Mr. Copus kept driving. But when he glanced at the mirror again, the girl
was gone! He was so shocked he skidded to a sudden stop. When he looked
again, the girl was back, but with a weird looking on her face that Mr.
Copus couldn’t quite make out since she was so far away. Mr. Copus started
the bus again. He needed to get his job done. When he glanced at the mirror
again, she was yet gone again! And again, Mr. Copus skidded to a stop,
looking back - the girl was back, but with blood on her face.

That phrase repeated for a couple of times, each time the girl appeared to
have more blood than before. Until one time, Mr. Copus stopped looking at
the rear mirror, and he heard footsteps, coming closer and closer.

From that day on, Mr. Copus mysteriously went missing, and the number 35 on
the turning thing that controls which number of the bus shown at the front
of every bus went missing as well.

 I think you did a great job of writing this interesting story Natalie, I
can hardly found a grammar mistake!!  

 I think you have use the “fear of the unknown” because nobody knows what’s
going on with Copus and why there’s no #35 bus. You also used “everyday
element”, as we see buses everyday. And the only evident in the story,
maybe is the number of the bus, there’s really no such a bus number in Hong
Kong. Maybe you should said: “after Copus disappeared, all he left on the
bus is his hockey ball keychain...” something like that...

 You give a lot of details and I think you can give even more details in
how do the girl looks like or dress like, and Mr. Copus’s feeling. You did
include Hong Kong’s culture, etc: bus. I think you can write about where
the bus have been, just more details about the bus will be perfect!!

 Since you don’t have a tittle for this Urban story, I may suggest you to
have “number 35” or “the missing bus”

PEER EDITED BY: Melody SO (8-6)

*Title (Suggested: A Selfish Man or Dynamic Change on Christmas)** *

Once upon a time, there was an old man who was mean and selfish. Everybody
in the village didn't like him but owed him money. The villagers always
discussed negative comments about him, thus his girlfriend left him when he
was young. His girlfriend thinks he was too busy making money, hating
Christmas and being negative.

One Christmas Eve, when everyone told him to stop working, he shooed them
away as usual, sang lyrics to represent that he hated and didn't believe in
Christmas. He fought with different age groups of villagers that came from
all over the countries.

One night, a close friend whom he's afraid of which died many years ago,
came back to his house to found him. He told him that there would be three dead
people coming back to find him, reminding him how mean he was to the
people. They would bring him to heaven and hell. They'd tell him if he
wanted to be in heaven he'd better start treating people nicely.

He was so afraid. When he went to work the next day, when the usual people
he passed begged him for money, he gave them extra amount of money they
needed, gave them Christmas presents, and treated them like he had never d
one before. The villagers' expressions represented that what was happening
in front of them was extremely unbelievable. After a few days, when they
started believing that he reflected to change, they gave him gifts and said
thank you for borrowing them money. At last the originally negative man
lived in heaven, and the villagers all lived peacefully ever after.  
*Elements of Urban Legends:*
1) In this story, the use of human unknown is good. Dead people is always
an unknown to all the people around the world. No one knows if dead people
have after-life or will become ghosts. I appreciate that Kary uses dead
people to create the climax of the story.

2) I visualize there is lack of elements of Hong Kong/VSA. Because this
passage theme is "Hong Kong/VSA's Urban Story", it is very important that
there are elements about the theme. For instance: You can specify the name
of the village as Fanling Wai (a real village in Hong Kong).

3) The story has used a piece of evidence by saying that the man is a bad
man which had bad attitudes. But, the evidence I found is not a obvious
one, I suggested Kary to write more evidences before the dead person came
to find the bad man, for instance: One time, the man dreamed a bad dream
that his future life would be unlucky.

*Descriptive Writing:*
*1) Suggested that Kary should add more about how bad the man is. What did
he do exactly? Why he is bad (because his parents affected him?) What
negative comments does the villagers gave him?*
*
*
*2) Suggested that Kary should add more about the names of the people. I
can see there is "the man", "a close friend", "the man's girlfriend". It
makes me feel confusing sometimes. So, may be add names for example :the
man =Max, a close friend = Ian, the man's girlfriend = Kary.*
*
*
*3) Also, in paragraph 4 first sentence, there is the sentence "He was
afraid". If possible, describe how he was afraid. For instance: The man hid
under the door and shivered.*
*
*
*4) In paragraph 3, Kary mentioned about "the close friend died long time
ago". May be Kary can add more about "When did the close friend did? Why?
Because of the man?*
*
*
*5) Basically, the passage is good. But can be improved by more descriptive
writing, like what I mentioned above.*

*PEER EDITED BY: NICOLE HON*

Title Suggested: “scary Bathroom” and “ Hunted Bathroom”  

 *Athenaaaaaa(8-6)*

Once upon a time, there was a man called Mr. Copus. He worked as a teacher
at a school called Victoria Shanghai Academy.

         One day, he wanted to pee, so he went to the toilet. After he hadfinished his business, he went to wash his hands, suddenly he saw a shadow
in the mirror. But he was sure that he was the only person in the toilet,
he checked all the stalls and no one was there. He was so scared that he
ran away, screaming like a little girl.  

It turns out that there were a few students hiding in the boys bathroom.Since
it was Halloween, they wanted to play a prank on him.  But what happened to
Mr. Copus remains a mystery. Everything is unknown. OOOOOOOO XD

 Grammar: I think you don’t have really much grammar mistake in your story.

1) The first thing you have used “Screaming like a little girl”. Because if
you don’t write “Screaming like a little girl” and people can’t imagine Mr.
Copus Movement. They just could imagine that Mr.Copus is running and
screaming.

2) The second thing you have used is the word called Mystery. Because it
makes people whants to find out that what happened to Mr. coups.

3) I think you have used” everyday element”, but you could write some thing
that the students had left over (Such as their jacket etc)

I think you have write  the sounds, feelings, locations about Mr.Copus, but
you should write some about the students how tall is it from the shadow
that you saw.

PEER EDITED BY: ZIKE LEE(8-6)

*Bernard’s Urban legend *

*The Forbidden Curse*

* *

*Have you heard **this** school “terror-secondary school”? **M**aybe you
haven’t but after you read this myth, you won’t want to be a student in
that school. There is a terrible story happening in "terror-secondary
school" **I**t was normally a secondary school, but because everyone is
scared of the curse of that school, everyday between 6 to 7 **O’clock **something
scary happened.*

* *

*The fangs and long teethes appear in the teacher's mouth and hand **then**they start to transform in to a monster and they can't see, but they can
hear, so everyday between 6 to 7 **O’clock** there will be some strange
sounds and that's the sound when the teacher bumps around, when they can't
see.*

* *

*When they fully transform to a monster, they will mess up the school and
they will run to the cafeteria and steal all the foods, that's why the food
stores is empty everyday and there is **many **blood around and broken
scarfs, after that no one wants **to **go **inside that** food store again
and the host of the store has suicide, because he is scared of the curse
all around him.*

*At last the monsters transformed back to a normal human with hard naked
and they left**ed **their broken piece of clothes behind around tai po,
after that curse appear, no one access that school and tai po area again,
the monks believe that the entrance of that school have a curse that would
ruined your entire life.*

* *

*Black original *

*Red the editor *

*Grammar: You have proof read many times and very careful check the
grammar. *

*Descript writing*

*Bernard has used many words to describe Hong Kong restaurant and the
school and the HK life.*

*This story if Bernard doesn’t say is a secondary school is more better,
because if Bernard say also the primary school then the children can bring
more scare feeling.*

*Tittle: The school curse*

*Peer edit: Anson Lee (8-6)*

* *

* *

* *

* *

* *

In Hong Kong, everyone lived happily. They are satisfied with their life
with sufficient materials. One day, a student call Thom got mad because he
was being bullied by the other students in his grade.  He cursed himself
into a headless horseman, sucking a person’s soul to maintain his life. He
turned those students who bullied him into scary creatures. He turned them
into grim reaper, ghost rider, slender man, zombie, werewolf, and vampire.
Every night, they helped Thom to rule Hong Kong, by killing people, taking
their soul and feed on it. They are never die, so people call them the
horror 7. During night time, citizens would hide in the underground to keep
safe, no one will leave the underground for the night. No one knows the
real identity of the horror 7. No one dare to talk about it. Everyone that
escapes into underground eat/have food that they find on land. However,
they do not have enough food. So some of them died because of starvation
and diseases. The way they escape is every afternoon they pack all the food
they can find, and go underground before nightfall. How the horror 7 feed
on soul is by killing the human, and pull the soul out from the chest of
the victim. They keep the soul in a soul bag and use them in the future to
make them more powerful.

They rule more place one day by one day.  Finally in the future , they
completely ruled the earth. all people have to live on the moon just for
safety.

Mr. C於 2012年11月2日星期五UTC+8上午9時16分31秒寫道：

You have not included a title.

*The Tale of a Tragic Accident*

*The History of the Haunted Bathroom*

    I was in VSA since primary. I always heard rumours of places in the
school being haunted, blood handprints printed on the walls of the back
staircase. The most common rumour that I have heard was that the girl’s
bathroom near the music room on the 4/F is haunted, and i I bet that some
other students would have heard of it before.

   Rumour has it that when the people were building the school, there was a
little girl that lived in Aberdeen nearby near the school. One day, the
little girl was in the Park n’ shop near the school with her grandmother
one afternoon. She thought that it would be funny to run away then having
her grandmother to notice that she’s gone. So she ran out of the
supermarket, slipping through the crowd without her grandma noticing. She
ran down the street, passing the police station and down to the
construction area. She slipped through the fences into the construction
area. She ran across the dirt, she was so little and wearing dark colourclothes that the construction workers couldn’t see her from the big and
tall machines they are driving. Suddenly, a men man driving a dragline
excavator was pulling huge and heavy metals metal, the excavator turned,
the metal swung right to into the little girl and knocked her in to the
ground a few metres away, dead. She lied down near a pile of dirt, not
moving a muscle, as the other construction workers pour more dirt on to the
pile, burying the little girl without noticing.

   There the little girl laid lay dead, without a single person knowing,
rumour says that the 4/F Girl’s bathroom was build right next to the hill
she was buried in. You could sometimes hear her wailing for her
grandmother, crying and screeching at night.

Red text are those with grammatical errors. Highlighted text are
unnecessary words. Blue is the corrections.

Good use on fear of the unknown for your urban legend. Writing can be more
descriptive. Remember to include the five senses and the "w"s for each
character since this story is written in third person.

*PEER EDITED BY: Nicholas Fok (8-3)*

*Ian’s Story( Suggested Name: The Curse of the Fishermen and the Killer)*

**

A long time ago, there was a small wooden cottage on a hill also by the
port of Shum Wan,  Aberdeen . The cottage was small and old, but it was
sturdy and dependable. There lived a small group of fishermen, their names
were John, Bob and Henry. Every morning they would go to the portside where
they would fish for sardines and chat together. One fateful night, they
returned to their cottage to feast and dine. A nasty storm swept over the
port, and the strong rain and wind were crashing against the window. The
fishermen were eating sausage, bread and sardines when they heard a loud
knock at the door, Bob went to open the door, as the door slid open a young
man entered the cottage. The young man's simple, tattered clothes were
dripping wet, so the fishermen offered him shelter.

The young man never spoke, his eyes was cold and his
face was expressionless. The fishermen decided to offer the young man food
and shelter. The young man ate a lot of food and exhausted all of the
fishermen's supplies, but he was still hungry and longing. The fishermen
were tired and wary so they decided to rest for the night.

Under the cover of the stormy night, the young man went to the kitchen and
took the butchering knife, he went to the fishermen’s bedroom and raised
his sharp, metallic and bloodthirsty blade.

First he killed John by slicing his throat, then killed Bob and slicing off
his head, he approached the sleeping body of Henry but he accidentally woke
up. Henry jumped, his face full of fear, he ran out of the room, screaming;
The young man looked at him with eyes like a vulture, he went after him.
Henry ran out of the cabin but the young man kept chasing him, the
bloodthirsty maniac sunk his blade deep into Henry’s back, and his blood
spilled all over the side of the hill.

The young man ate the flesh of all the fishermen, as he walked away from
the cabin, satisfied and full.

**Many years later, a school was built on what used to be the old cottage.
The school’s name was Victoria Shanghai Academy, and it is said that the
ghostly fishermen still haunt the grounds of the school to this very day.

Grammar: Not many grammar mistake.

Descriptive Writing: It could be better if Ian have more description on the
evidence to emphise it really exists. He knows the names of the flowers.

Element of the Urban Legend: Not well use of the fear of unknown.

                                             Native by setting the location
in Hong Kong Shum Wan.

                                                  Evidence does not exist
in the story.

                                             Everyday item is the
butchering knife

Corrected by Jerry Wong (8-6)

Written by Larry

All Urban legends have a feature that is common in everyday life and
manipulated to sound realistic even if it is highly unbelievable. These
become popular as the stories spread from people to others, who then
continue to spread the story. It often starts as when people have nothing
to do, they start making up stories, and when it gets interesting, they
tell it to others even if its lame and boring for the fun of it. People
believe in them because they don’t normally check to see if it is true,
don’t take notice, or that the event in the urban legend occurs too rarely.
Urban legends are always passed around, otherwise one might not have heard
of it today. Some common features and true facts is mixed into the story to
make it seem more realistic. Fear and mystery is shrouded in these stories
making it popular to tell at times. They are normally never proven as
people don’t have the time and should they insist that the tale does not
exist and check it out, not a lot of attention would be paid to them, as
although it is obvious the story is fake, there is the tiny chance it may
be true and has actually happened before.

As somebody who frequently travels around VSA, many classmates and I know
that it is built on a slope, and\ walking down the dark staircase between
the fourth and fifth floor outside the washroom beside the hall, a steep
long slope is visible leading into the unknown darkness.

One day, a group of year-eights were walking down the stairs when they
heard someone crying for help. Thinking that it was just a Primary One
student being annoying, they continued down. As they were about to open the
door to the fourth floor corridor, they heard crying, as if next to them.
They looked around, but saw nobody. The group alerted school faculty and
later the fire department, who conducted a search on the premises, finding
no one. Feeling that it was really peculiar, the group of Year-8s searched
the Internet for any news in the area surrounding VSA. They found many news
articles about a little child playing beside the road above the slope, got killed
by a flash flood drowning and depositing him in the abyss at the bottom of
the slope.When one travels at a quiet time by him or herself or a small
group, they may hear a child crying and screaming for help and may hear the
sound of the few toys that belonged to the little kid.

With the future Wong Chuk Hang station being built a 12-minute walk away
from VSA, it may serve our students. The land for the station came from the
demolished Wong Chuk Hang Estate, and one unexplainable mystery occurred
there. One night, a security guard working there noticed someone with long
hair sitting on the floor of an elevator with her face covered from the CCTV
screen. The elevator was stuck, so he called emergency services. The
rescuers looked at the CCTV screen and saw a mysterious person sitting in
one corner of the elevator with their head down, so the rescuers could not
see his or her face. After hard, grueling work, the workers managed to open
the elevator doors, to find nobody inside! The rescuers searched the
premises and checked the CCTV cameras, but the missing one was nowhere to
be found. The rescue workers left and checked records of the elevator. They
realized that the elevator shaft with the mysterious person in it had a
history of faulty elevators and that there was once the elevator wires
snapped with a person inside plummeting to their death. There was no photo
record of that person and forensic scientists at the time were unable to
identify the identity of the dead person. All that is known is that the
person who died had long hair.

comment:

-has a use of 'fear of the unknown': ghost, from the first story. And the
long haired 'creature/human being' in the second story. Shows evidence: The
security guard isn't imagining things, other people could see it too. I
don't think that there is evidence in the 1st story.

- Part of the story is written as if explaining something, not much like
telling the story while it happens. Not much HK culture is added in but
shows that you can hear the crying of the ghost.

- No title included, suggestions: Crying of the Ghost/A Tragic Accident

Possible Titles:

The Horror Ending of Cemetery

Smashed-Bones Cemetery

So is Friday the thirteenth, July. Few guys was stuffing around, they were
really really wasted. One of them come up with going to the cemertery, so
they did.

  They went have a walk and think it wasn't even creepy so they decide to
do a backflip off the graves. One of them came up with recording it, and
they do that too. They all did one until the last one did one and land on a
glass/can/jar whatever it's called of bone ash. Everyone was like crap
let's get the hell out of here.

  They all started to run off. They were so drunk that they forgot how they
got in, it comes to a fence with a road and a bridge next to it. A gate was
open and they rush out. The street is so quiet cause it was around 2:30 at
the morning and they decide to go home, but they were so drunk they forgot
how to go home. they saw a stadium for horse racing and they climb went in.
They decide to sleep on a bench and never woke up.

  Their body was found their bone was smash to ashes, their ashes was
everywhere, all the way to the cemetery. Now remember they recorded the
whole thing, and they never turned it off. The video was not pretty.

Positives:

-many word

- very good story

-word use very good

Improve:

-more describe , detail

-aim clear

-where place

don’t use swear word

Edited by thomas ng

The Curse of the Shade of the Moon

Every 17 years, the Sun will be covered exactly at the middle by the moon.
And it happened this year. At the dark shade of the moon, there is a review
(?) of what happened several thousands year ago, but there is no proof that
it’s real. Even so, the witnesses should have passed away years ago. It
shows that long ago, a person that was missing was found dead with the head
in the fountain. People believed she committed suicide, and some believed
she was murdered. People around her all have a perfect alibi. Time passes
and this mystery wasn’t solved. People than forget this incident. But by
that day, her friends and family was missing one by one. Time flows. Later,
her boyfriend’s sister went to his house. She couldn’t find her and she was
about to leave. By then, she heard a phone ringing in the toilet. So that
girl went inn and have a look, and she found her brother, laying in the
bath tub with eyes and mouth opened as wide as possible. She was so scared
and she ran out of the house immediately. Unfortunately, because she was
terrified, she didn’t realize that she went out the house by the window.
She was so scared and she jumped out of the window, down the hill and died
immediately.

17 years passed and a boy went to the girl’s house. that boy was the girl’s
classmate before. Since no one lived and went to there, that house was
abandoned. The boy went to he girl’s room and she saw her hung herself
facing the window. He was so scared and he ran out immediately, but this
time he ran out by the door, since he remembered the case of the girl hop
out the window. He didn’t die, but every night that boy had nightmares
about the girl finding him.

Because of the curiosity of people, they started to make myths and sayings
about if someone dies, every 17 years, it takes another soul. And also,
people wouldn’t wander around anymore when the Moon is in the middle of the
Sun.

Milton Suen Wai Chung(8-6)於 2012年11月5日星期一UTC+8下午2時23分17秒寫道：

On the night of December 13th, a happy family went on the boat to Jumbo
floating restaurant in the middle of the sea for dinner. When they reached
they saw golden dragon ornaments all over the dining place. The family
asked for a plate of shao mai and 6 other plates of Dim Sum.

While they were eating, the youngest child, Ian, had a nosebleed. His mother
 said "Don't worry, he will be fine."  Ian continued to hold a piece of
tissue over his nose to stop the bleeding when suddenly he screamed in
agony and dropped the tissue.

Ian's parents looked at him, in awe, suddenly, a pair of claws emerged from
Ian's head and teared him in half! The claws came from a terrifying being
that is black and red and looks like an twisted tiger-monkey hybrid. Ian's
family screamed and ran for the door in horror. Suddenly, something on the
ceiling pounced on them, it was another one of those! Ian's parents and
family were killed immediately, dying to the deadly claws. And the beings
suddenly melted into a puddle of black slime.

To this day, in the Jumbo floating restaurant, a black stain can still be
found on the carpet.

Elements of Urban Legends:

   - Yes, the writing has clearly shown of the human fear of unknown. The
   creature with claws that torn Ian apart is an unknown.
   - It should be written more specific in the ending( like what happened
   next, where is the creature)
   - There is evidence shown in the restaurant a black stain is still
   there, but is there people who saw them got killed?

The writing had shown clearly of the human fear of unknown, for example"The
claws came from a terrifying being that is black and red and looks like an
tested tiger-monkey hybrid"no one knows what that is. You should write more
about how and why was Ian killed (like what did he do to make himself
die)You also should write more about what happened next( Where did the
creature went? Where are the bodies? What about the other people there? Are
they safe?)

Titles:

Deadly Claws

Haunted Jumbo Floating Restaurant

Peer edited by Ingrid:3

P.S. I forgot to do the comment part, so i'll do one here.

Good story line. Not a legend if they already ruled the world. More points
or evidence supporting the story will be great.

Is good how you could name all the slender man, werewolf whatever. Good
name for the 7 creature thingy. More 'creepy' language will be great.
Should tell more about the student 'Thom'. Should have more about how is a
story rather than that already happen.

Sam(8-3)於 2012年11月5日星期一UTC+8下午12時57分40秒寫道：

The Lotus Pond
  Telling ghost stories is a common part of the youth culture in Hong Kong.
The stories are passed on through generation to generation of students. The
ghosts in these stories are also, as shown, closely related to the ghosts
of popular religion. *How are they related?* The urban myth i want to talk
about *in this essay* is a myth that some of us may know *its* called “The
Lotus Pond” A survey online showed that this story has heard by 56% of
people in public areas *Where?* which means its a popular ghost story. The
story started with a couple who planned to secretly get married. They
promised to meet each other at 10 PM one night by the Lotus Pond. The girl
arrived and waited for her boyfriend for a long time but he did not show
up. She thought he must have broken his promise. The girl became so angry
that she jumped into the pond and drowned herself. *What happened to the
boyfriend?* After that, when a boy passes by the pond at night, he will
encounter a girl he does not recognize who will ask him the time. If he
answers that it is 10:00, she will pull him into the pond. To me this is a
very scary myth because (Why?). I think this story is transformed from an
ancient story from the ancient times and was turned into an urban myth. *Why
do you think this?*

Red = Edited
*Blue = Deleted*
*Black = My Questions*
Green = The sentence or phrase that my questions are applying to

The Lotus Pond:
-Uses the human fear of unknown, if you pass the Lotus Pond at night and a
girl asks you the time, you will wonder what will happen if you answer her.
-Has a piece of evidence, if a boy passes by the pond at night, he will
encounter a girl he does not know.
-The story says that a stranger asks him what the time is which seems very
normal.

Descriptive Writing:
-Christopher is very broad in this story, there are many questions that can
be asked about the incident such as: why did they want to go to the Lotus
Pond?; How long did the girl wait?; What happened to her boyfriend?

Suggested titles: The ghost of the Lotus Pond/ The accursed Lotus Pond

*Peer edited by Aaron Wang(8-3)*

Hong Kong Myths Story:

Long long time ago in St Paul Convent Secondary School which I went to that
school before but in Primary. There was a girl who dances really well that
died in a car accident just outside of school.

She is really talented in dancing who often go to a dance room in the
school to practice her dance movement. Nowadays when students in other
classes wants to practice the dance moves are afraid to go in there.
Everyone was afraid that the girl would be dancing inside the room.

One day, a bunch of girls ran inside and practice. All a sudden there music
stopped. After a few seconds it played again. But then there heard a noise
a cracking noise, a tip toe noise that are made from the dancing shoe. Then
they heard a knock on the door, a cleaning lady came in. The girl asked, “Did
you just knocked?” But the lady said no. So no one now had never went to
that dance room again. Even if you walk closer to the door you will here
some sound of dancing shoe.

This is a real myth that was from St Paul Convent School. However I have
slightly change the story a bit but I did not really change much.

·      Some grammar mistake, no big deal

·      Gave hints in the room, but maybe it could be someone else and the
music player might be just broken and the knock could be on the other door

·      Theme of this legend is suitable, it gave the human fear of the
unknown

·      Not much of description and only facts which make the story not
really scary

·      Suggest you to put more adjective or it will be really pallid

·      I cannot see any detail information about the dancer except that she
is good at dancing and like to go to the dance room to practice.

·      I suggest that you can write more about the relationship between to
the dance rom and the girl and also put a name fro the girl.

·      Dancing is not a tradition of HK and except that it happened in Hong
Kong I cannot see any tradition, life or culture. Since dancing are not
popular in Hong Kong.

By Michelle Cheung

Edited By Ian Chiang

My urban legend-Ian Lau

Mr. Copus is back

It was 5:30 in the afternoon; Sam was walking down the hallway of 11/F, He
was alone and the hallway was dark… he hoped that he would leave earlier so
that this won’t happen…

Sam saw Mr. Copus at the end of the hallway, they didn’t know each other
since Mr. Copus is not Sam’s teacher and Sam is not his student. Mr. Copus
said to Sam “Can you help me to take these to the office? These are the
hockey stuff for the school team,” Sam said “Sure!” and he took it from Mr.
Copus. He got down the office and told the reception that Mr. Copus told
him to take this down from the 11/F. The lady was shocked and tears started
to come out. Sam asked what happened and that’s what the lady said, “Mr.
Copus was the best teacher in VSA, but Mr. Parker doesn’t like him because
he stole his girlfriend, so Mr. Parker decided to fire him. Mr. Copus was
so sad that he killed himself in his kitchen…” Sam was so shocked that he
threw away the hockey stuff he’s holding and he ran away. He ran back to
the 11/F and he saw Mr. Copus at the down of the hallway saying hi to him.
He was so scared that he peed on his pants. Sam blinks his eye and Mr.
Copus was gone…

Sam told his story to the others but no one else sees Mr. Copus. After this
incident, the 11/F was haunted, horror stuff always happens, such as
leaking water and found of skulls. No one would ever stay after school and
stay at the 11/F…

 Peer Edited by Ryan Kwong

Comment:

  Post reply
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 11:03 AM (less than a minute ago)
  The ghost of the Hong Kong MTR     by:Aaron Wang

  On a gloomy Friday afternoon, five years ago, around 6 o’clock, Zachary
Bulnuf was controlling one of the hundreds of MTR trains in Hong Kong. The
train was crossing the Victoria Harbor when the MTR ahead of him
mysteriously stopped 500 meters ahead of him. By the time he was notified,
it was too late. The train crashed in to the other train with such force
that blew a hole through the earth above it allowing the waters of Victoria
Harbor to immerse the underground subway system. The shock wave vaporized
Zachary's body instantaneously and the body was never recovered, but his
spirits still linger in our world.

  During his trial, the jury and the judge found Zachary guilty of this
terrible incident and his family members were forced to pay for the damage
that he caused. Zachary's spirit was furious and enraged. He vowed to take
his revenge on the people of Hong Kong, the people who betrayed him, and
the people who put his loved ones in debt.

  Legend says that Zachary will take his revenge on people of Hong Kong in
the same way that got him killed and put his family in debt 5 years ago, in
a train accident. Zachary Bulnuf's ghost can still be heard in the MTR as a
loud, metallic, high-pitched screech. His ghosts are scattered in each and
every one of the MTR trains, following and tracking their every movement,
waiting for the perfect moment to take his revenge....  

Edited by Christopher Tu

comments:
-I think this story contains a very broad amount of elements that includes
some scientific elements "Blew a hole threw the earth" and also ghostly
factors.
-Have good grammar
-Sentences makes sense
-Good ending

Suggestion tittle
-The MTR BOO
-Spirit of the Trains (Mtr)

Cry of the Ghost and the Headless Man Long time ago, Legend of Hong Kong
has been spreading about this house that was a house that was full of
hateful and a baby’s voice of crying. The myth started centuries ago, when
there was an Indian couple called Luatzi and Jigara. They were planning to
stay in Hong Kong. They lived really happy, found splendid jobs, bought a
Ferrari and they soon bought the apartment. Years past, they lived really
happy in the big house, they soon got really rich and famous. (Famous long
time ago) One day on a rainy day, Luatzi was driving home on his Ferrari
when she saw a lady crying beside the road, standing there and wearing
Chinese costume. (Hong Kong people wear these really common in the old
time) His beautiful appearance attracted Luatzi. She asked if she would
want a drive or not and the lady cried and said, “Yes, thank you”. Luatzi
asked about her name and her personal background and the lady said, “ my
name is Chuan-Hua and I was born in a rich family. My family died from a
car accident in 3 years ago. The family business was closed and I am just
working in a bar.” Luatzi decided to let her stay in their house. When
Jigara heard about her background she let her stay in the house also. After
a while, Luatzi found a job for Chuan-Hua and she fell in love with Luatzi.
They always had secret meeting and ate together, Jigara found out and
always had dispute with Luatzi. 2 years later, Chuan-Hua was pregnant,
Luatzi decided to kill the baby. Chuan-Hua rejected and said that the baby
must be born. Few moths later, the baby was born. The husband decided to
run away with Chuan-Hua to somewhere else. They were about to pack when the
wife came back seeing his Luatzi and Chuan-Hua kissing, holding luggage and
money with the baby beside. Jigara was so frustrated that she took a knife
and stab the Chuan-Hua when Luatzi took a gun and shoot her. Jigara was
shot in the head and Chuan-Hua was stab in the heart, but she didnt bleed
any blood. Luatzi was so sad that he hanged himself in the very end of the
hallway. The baby cried and cried and never stopped, even when there was no
food and water. The police could only find the body of the Indian couple’s
head. Where did the baby and Chuan-Hua go? This story has past for 200
years and people says that if you open the door, you’ll see outdated money
at the very end of the corridor and you can hear baby crying, but you
cannot see where the baby is, later you will hear the Indian couple arguing
and throwing things to each other without seeing the body. People have
found out that Chuan-Hua actually died in the car crash with his family.
The baby is a half man half ghost. Then there was a man who didn’t believe
in the legend bought the area and made a plastic surgery company, but they
have not successfully did it one time, because they can always hear, a
voice of a lady saying I hat Hong Kong woman. The company could not gain
any money so they had to sell it away. Workers there said that they could
always hear the sound of 2 couple arguing and a baby crying. A lot of
people went into the house, because there is money in it, but no one has
ever successfully come out. People wonder. Scientists tried to throw in
white powder and they discover foot print in the floor, they have gain
physical evidence and scientist try went in to see why people cant come
out, but they could see people that tried to get the money only have their
head. The scientist was so scared that they ran away and never came back to
investigate.What biggest hint they found out is that Chuan-Hua was in the
car crash with their family, but when she got to the hospital and proved
dead, the body suddenly disappear, leaving only blood in the massive of
clot and the blood testicles. Weird??

 Comments:

There are too much punctuation marks that are useless but overall this is a
great myth that you have made. I suggest that your name of the characters
should be more simple. There is a spelling mistake it should be hate not
hat. But overall you've made a really good effort.

*Three Little Pigs Ghost Story or The Pig Killer (Edric's Urban Legends
Story)*

‘Once a pond(upon) a time, there is (were) three little pigs ,on day ,
their mom told them “Three little pigs , three little pigs(no need to
repeat) . You guys has grow(n) up and you should be living(live) on your
own right now. Than (Then) the three little pigs said together ” But why
mum, why?” After that mum said “Just do what i told you to (do) and i am
going to tell you guys the reason later. After a month later , their mom
has been found dead beside the river and no body saw this happen and nobody
know when or why. But inside her pocket , there was a letter for the three
little pigs

which says :

Dear three little pigs,

Hi my three baby how are you? If you see this letter , that means l am
dead. There is one thing that I want to tell you guy for a long time . The
reason that I tell you guys lo (to) leave a month ago is because there is a
ghost inside our house and trying to kill me , and now it didi (did kill me)
 it (no need the “it”), and i (I) am dead. hope you guys will have a nice
life .

your mum

Mrs Pig

That (This is the end of the story)is all of the letter (no need the words
in front)and after that they have a nice life and thats the end (no need
the words in front), thank you ~

Element of Urban Legends :

   - Edric didn't really express the human fear of unknowns, but at least
   he did mentioned the ghost but not enough.
   - Not specific enough on the setting, it didn't mentioned that it
   happened in Hong Kong, VSA or other places.
   - There only evidence was the letter that written by the pigs's mom
   which was killed by the ghost, and the dosen't really appears in the story.

Descriptive Writing:

This is a good urban legend base on three little pigs, and there is some
talking between characters so that the story is more realistic. But you
need a title, and there is a quite misusing of words, for example: Once a
upon a time, is not “Once a pond a time”. And you have also repeated the
word which you do have to repeat it. And remember to use capital letter
when you are using “I” not “i” and some spelling mistake for example is
“to” not “lo”. But I don’t think this legend give me a horror feeling.

*Peer Edit By Edwin Cheng (8-6)*
*
*

The Evil Boy

Last Sunday night, I was taking a bath after my whole entire day. But I
forgot to take my cloths, so I ran straightly to my room so that no one can
see my naked body. When I was ready to change my cloths, I saw a boy wearing
my cloths and smiling to me. Then when I wanted to check if my clothes were
still there, the clothes were gone! So I wore another set of cloths for
Sunday night. I was worrying that if the boy will steal any valuable things
in my house. The boy was wearing one set of my cloths, a cap, a pair of
socks and a pair of shoes. He is a little cute boy but I know he is a
monster!

When I was sleeping and having a nice dream, the boy was standing in   my
room. He opened the door and woke me up at 1am, he was trying to kill me
with his sharp knife. So I reacted against the boy and try to take his
knife to kill im. The boy is extremely strong and undefeatable but at last I
use a hidden blade to kill him. I was very intensive after I killed him
because I don't know where can I hide his body without being noticed by my
neighbors and the police. I chose to hide his body inside the foundation of
a building so that no one will know it if I wont tell anyone. This is the
best way to handle his body.

The next day, my dad was driving his car with me to school. But in the
highway, the boy is right in front of the middle of the highway trying to
block my car. My dad doesn’t know that he is evil, so my dad stopped and t
old him to move away. Suddenly, the sky turned dark like night time with a
blue moon. We didn't notice that the evil kid was beside us staring at us
terribly, which makes me nervous because I don't know when will he attack my
dad and me.  The atmosphere is full of mist and I can’t see any thing. We
closed all the windows in panic. This was a quite atmosphere, so if we are
making a single noise, he would find us immediately.  My dad decided to
move the car to see if we can crash on the evil boy’s body by finding his
location. Finally we killed him, by crashing him with the car. But this
time we threw his body right under the ocean and ran away immediately.

This is not an urban legend. It is just a horror story which is not horror.
You need to add more details and the elements urban legends should have.

Athena's peer edit of Nicole's Urban Myth.

One day, when it was Moon Night Festival, Jerry celebrated (this event
marvelous) with his family. They ate a lot of yummy moon cakes from Maxim.
They were having a good time before that Jerry’s mother gave a grimace of
depress. *Therefore(*is not needed) Jerry asked her mother what she wanted,Her(Her?
I believe it’s his) mother replied in an angry and contempt voice, saying
that no one can help her and she wanted to go to the mountain (Lion Rock). (Just
simply say Lion Rock Mountain, you don’t need to write it like that.)

Afterwards, Jerry leaded(lead might be better) his whole family (to go(un-necessary)
up to the mountain by 1(What does that mean? One single file? Explain in
more in depth). While walking up the mountain, they saw many dark trees.
Suddenly, Jerry heard someone (is(un-necessary) crying. So, he walked to
the person and found out that the (person(male or female)'s face was so
pale. The (person(male or female) was crying and so Jerry asked what had
happened.

The (person(male or female) replied, "I am so worried. My wife disappeared
three years ago in Causeway Bay. (But I heared the moon is telling me that
she would come back and she will kill me(readers will get confused)." Jerry
told him not to be afraid and don't believe the (myth(It probably isn’t a
myth). The person cried even harder, so Jerry said he would tell his
parents to wait for him (longer.(Perhaps not necessary) When Jerry came
back, he found that the person(’s(Is not person’s) dead. Jerry was
terrified and came back to find his family. When he found (his family(them),
he found that his mother was dead.

At last, a mystery man told Jerry that the person who was dead was his
mother's ex boyfriend. When Jerry heard that, he had a (coma(why would it
be a coma?) and died on Des Voeux street.

Advice: Your story is quite interesting and when the people die, there is a
little chill to the bone but your story doesn’t really make sense starting
from paragraph three. 3 people, self included, when reading was quite
confused and quite a lot of grammar mistakes. And how can this count as an
urban myth? Does it mean that if you go to Lion Rock Mountain with your
family, your mother will suddenly die? What does it mean?

 Suggested titles: A Haunted Moon Night Festival

                           The Haunted Mountains