Is being with them enough?
Sandra Dodd
Schuyler Waynforth
Schuyler
www.waynforth.blogspot.com
Jenny
> been enough a lot of the time. I think as my children have grown older there
> need for more engagement with the world has increased.
constant, being on call as the mom, helper, supporter. That BEing
with them allows things to unfold when they need to. Sometimes our
days look like doing nothing, and sometimes they look full of action.
The days that look like nothing, are really never nothing. There is a
natural flow of activity based on interest, seasons, life
circumstances, etc. When there isn't seemingly a lot going on, it is
generally a processing of data and life and growth, to be ready for
the next big surge of energy and activity. When there is never time
for that, we get burned out. I would rather have days of calm
presence than have all my days filled with action and activity, but
it's never one or the other, it's a mix that comes and goes.
If life feels dull, there are things that you can do to jump start
things. They can be really simple things, like setting up a puzzle,
or baking a cake, or cleaning out a closet and finding lost treasures,
or buying or making playdough, or pulling out a game. Those things
can work for older kids too, but other older kid things can include a
movie or 2 that they've never seen, an interesting website, a trip to
an arts and crafts store, a walk through a different neighborhood, a
trip to the thrift store, etc. Those things can lead to big things.
I've never really liked the idea of wasting time. I've tried many
times to write out how I feel about that, and it never really comes
out right. One can spend time, time passes, it's inevitible. I
suppose if one spends their time in misery wishing life could be
better and never actually doing anything about it, it could be
considered a waste of time. Honestly, I try to enjoy each moment I
have. If my day has not gone as planned and I'm disappointed with it,
I can choose to make the next moment better, even if the next moment
is only the last half an hour before I go to bed. It is a conscience
mindshift to change that moment. When I do that, the time spent
earlier seems somehow less problematic than it did when I was in that
disappointment. I can look at my day differently, see it differently,
see how what did happen was ok, even if it wasn't what I had
anticipated.
Jennifer
> If life feels dull, there are things that you can do
> to jump start
> things. They can be really simple things, like
> setting up a puzzle,
> or baking a cake, or cleaning out a closet and
> finding lost treasures,
> or buying or making playdough, or pulling out a
> game. Those things
> can work for older kids too, but other older kid
> things can include a
> movie or 2 that they've never seen, an interesting
> website, a trip to
> an arts and crafts store, a walk through a different
> neighborhood, a
> trip to the thrift store, etc. Those things can
> lead to big things.
Someone once suggested I keep a list of possible
things to do when we're not sure what to do:
- Make monkey bread
- Make homemade play-do
- Build towers with marshmallows and toothpicks
etc
I have a drawer in my dresser that is all "new stuff
to do" kind of stuff ... maybe something I bought on
sale and tucked away for later, or a game they're too
young for, etc. I just opened it up today and my
daughter spent some time working on the kids'
cross-stitch we found in there.
OtherJenny
(the one who never posts)
Visit me and my family at my blog!
http://beanmommyandthethreebeans.blogspot.com/
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Diana R
> - Make monkey bread
How do you make monkey bread? Sounds fun!
Sandra Dodd
times to write out how I feel about that, and it never really comes
out right. One can spend time, time passes, it's inevitible. I
suppose if one spends their time in misery wishing life could be
better and never actually doing anything about it, it could be
Some people think it's a waste of time to do something besides
homework or housework if there's work "waiting to be done.
What other things are considered "time waste"?
I like this question. Let's write out how we feel about that even if
it comes out goofy.
Sandra
k
commodity? Or is it the language we're using that leads us to think
that time is a commodity. Time = commodity is a concept expressed
with phrases that are embedded in our speech, such as:
wasting time
spending time
using time wisely
using time profitably (a really obvious example)
letting time slip away
saving time
making time (can we really make more time?)
losing time
time is money
valuable time
Try rephrasing this: I would rather not waste my time going to the
play. How would you say it if you were to phrase it outside the "time
is money" metaphor?
~Katherine
k
I'm almost done with a BA in art. I don't need a BA to do art. I've
enjoyed the classes and being on campus with a bunch of people who are
mostly voluntarily going to classes too, and meeting tons of people I
wouldn't otherwise have contact with. I also enjoy discussions and
the intriguing thoughts brought up in and out of class. I don't need
the classes to have these discussions or experience the thoughts of
others as intriguing. After all, there's the internet, and before
that, there were books and talking with anyone I might meet along the
way.
As to wasting time: it depends on the goals one has and whether or
not some or all of them have been reached. There's a reason for doing
things and sometimes even when there's not a reason, one develops
along the way or something happens. It's like Bilbo Baggins says, "if
you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept
off to." That's probably my favorite quote ever.
~Katherine
Jenny
> Try rephrasing this: I would rather not waste my time going to the
> play. How would you say it if you were to phrase it outside the "time
> is money" metaphor?
>
implies that you'd rather be doing something else with your time than
going to a play, without calling the time a waste. Or you could
simply find value in going to a play that you feel you won't value.
Jenny
>
might consider me writing this thought out a waste of time. My
parents and my sister consider watching tv a waste of time (that took
a lot to get over and it helped that my husband pushed the tv issue
years ago).
In the back of my mind I consider reading for hours and hours a waste
of time, that is another handed down from childhood thing that still
hangs over me. I don't feel it towards my kids, just myself. It
doesn't stop me from reading for hours and hours, it just causes guilt
about time. I trully am working on that. Some self depricating
attitudes linger longer than I want them to, and that is one of them.
Perhaps it is why I don't like the idea of wasting time.
Ed Wendell
GWilhelm
"just sitting" and reading (I tend to fall asleep soon after I begin), so I
discovered that for me, listening to books on tape helps me focus, do
"things" -- laundry, clean house, even work since I work alone out in the
field, etc... as long as my kids don't need me, it works really well. I
have figured out that sometimes I listen to tapes to distract myself from
the issues I should deal with(family stuff) and when * I * realize that or
*anyone* else (my family) points it out, I most definitely "unplug". But,
while I am listening to a tape (and maybe this is my excuse) I don't feel I
am wasting time. The times I do spend **unplugged** outside, watching the
birds, listening to my kids while they tell me what is going on with their
lives and occasionally even watching 'the grass grow'... it is not wasted
time, those are magic moments to remember and fall back on when life gets
tough!!
Amy Doggett
which is one of the main reasons we unschool. Kids' time is wasted all the
time doing things they don't really want to be doing (like going to school
or cleaning their room while they'd rather be doing something else). If they
are choosing what it is they are doing, it's not wasted time. Who can say
for another person what is of value as far as time spent? I wonder how many
brain/learning connections have been broken because someone interrupted and
said, "You're wasting your time doing that. Do this instead."
As for things like waiting in line or being stuck in traffic, I don't look
at it as wasted time. I look at it as opportunity: What can I do with this
time? I always have a book with me for that reason. Or I use that time to
focus on my breath--bring myself to the present moment. It's all how you
look at it.
Amy
Clarissa Fetrow
Worrying is usually a waste of time (but planning and preparing can be
good). Ilve been experimenting with not folding underwear and
washcloths, just putting them away clean but jumbly. Speeding to a
stoplight. I'm surprised how often I see this. Trying to change
someone's mind who doesn't want it changed.
Laureen
What other things are considered "time waste"?
I like this question. Let's write out how we feel about that even if
it comes out goofy.
I've done deathwatch for beloved family members quite a few times now (comes from having an older family, where for generations, kids didn't happen until the parents were in their 30s). My father died when I was 11, my sainted grandpapa (joke, because he was a man who was very honest about having "clay feet" and wanted to make sure we didn't blow his memory out of proportion) when I was 17, my less saintly grandfather when I was 22, all three of my grandmothers (one step) within 24 hours of each other, when I was 13. My aunt passed away 8 years ago, when she herself was only 48, with two teenage sons.
I've seen what regrets look like, over "time waste".
Unilaterally, across those people, wasted time was time not spent just basking in the presence of loved ones. Sainted grandpa and I talked about times in his kitchen making food (he had a Depression-era love for making huge batches of food and sharing it), times hanging out together at his opera rehearsals, the times I'd go to the fire house and hang out with him. My father talked about the times we'd be in the back yard practicing fly casting (he'd grown up in Montana, fishing in streams, and kept trying to recreate that for me on a swimming-pool top in Los Angeles). One grandma dwelled on the children I'd be having. One, about how very important birthdays are.
My aunt, who was a very tempestuous person, regretted feuds and broken bridges, and spent the three years of her dying in making peace, and apologizing for hurts that were decades old. And in throwing huge reconciliation parties, where people ate and socialized and reconnected.
All really mundane, day to day, non-special events. But that was the big stuff. The underlying questions were always "did I manage to make it clear I loved you?" and "are you going to remember me well?", but that always translated into being cared-for in very simple ways.
None of them focused on academic or work achievement or money earned or material property gained. No one was concerned about stuff in any way. It came down to relationships, hands down, every single time.
So my guideline about wasted time is really simple. If it is a relationship-building thing, it's time well spent. If it's not, it isn't. If I died tomorrow or in a week or in a year, would I be happy about how today went? Who would I need to call to my deathbed, and what would I need to say to them? How about I save us both the hassle, and just behave in a way that makes it clear from *right now* where we all stand?
It's counterculture, but by that standard, days spent cuddling, never gotten out of jammies, taste-testing pears, are better spent than days pursuing a bigger paycheck.
--
~~L!
~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~
Writing here:
http://www.theexcellentadventure.com/
http://lifewithoutschool.typepad.com/
Publishing here:
http://huntpress.com/
~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~
Erica Iwamura
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Monkey-Bread-I/Detail.aspx
Erica
"We stay young when we continue to be able to see the world through the eyes of a child." - Anne Ohman
Jennifer Varela
> What other things are considered "time waste"?
Maisha Khalfani
it comes out goofy.>>
I've actually had to work on this *a lot* in my life. My father was very
big on not "wasting time". I still have issues with the concept from time
to time. Like if I'm watching a tv show and "vegging out" I'll think "I
should be doing something else". Or if I'm watching the kids play I'll snap
out of it (the "it" being present in the Now) and think "oh, I could be
doing something productive while they play".
I'm catching myself more often these days. I'm really feeling like very
little is a waste of time. If anything I spent that time breathing and
keeping my bodily functions alive; and that certainly isn't a waste of my
time.
be at peace,
Maisha
Khalfani Family Adventures
EarthSpirit Journeys
"Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and
affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is
more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present."
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
Maisha Khalfani
commodity? Or is it the language we're using that leads us to think
that time is a commodity.>>
I think clock time is an important construct; it helps us figure out when to
take a trip, visit a friend, etc. Outside of that time just becomes jargon
for being on some imagined hamster wheel of life. Just an excuse to keep
going and to not be present in life at that time (imo, of course).
Safiya and Dakari wanted to know when Spring "started". It led to an
abstract conversation about time. How Spring doesn't start on March 21st -
it starts whenever it wants to. And how the calendar is not the best guide
for seasons. And how nature doesn't use "time" like we do. And how other
cultures didn't even use years. They would say "I've been here for 20
moons" or something like that. And how our calendar isn't an accurate
measure of time anyway, because people have been around longer than 2,008
years. For instance the Chinese calendar is over 5,000 years old.
I suppose quantum physicists have these types of conversations on a level
that would go beyond my comprehension; with the bending of time, alternate
realities, etc.
Maisha Khalfani
time? If watching tv, playing, reading, etc are all wastes of time, what
exactly is it that we are "supposed" to be doing with our time?
Maisha Khalfani
<<So my guideline about wasted time is really simple.
If it is a relationship-building thing, it's time well spent. If it's not, it
isn't. If I died tomorrow or in a week or in a year, would I be happy about how
today went? Who would I need to call to my deathbed, and what would I need to
say to them? How about I save us both the hassle, and just behave in a way that
makes it clear from *right now* where we all stand?
It's counterculture, but by that standard, days spent cuddling, never gotten
out of jammies, taste-testing pears, are better spent than days pursuing a
bigger paycheck.>>
And there is the blessing in having yourself in an environment with people who have lived a bit more life, and who understand what life is really about. Much to-do is made about the burden of caring for older parents and grandparents. And I’m sure it can be felt and seen that way for some. Or it could be an opportunity to learn from someone who has been-there-done-that, and to make food, and to learn about forgiveness.
Your post helped me change my perspective even more Laureen.
Sandra Dodd
at it as wasted time. I look at it as opportunity: What can I do
with this
time? I always have a book with me for that reason. Or I use that
time to
focus on my breath--bring myself to the present moment. It's all how
you
look at it.
Amy-=-
SNAG! I've just linked my too-short, too new "Breathing" page on
AlwaysLearning and I'm rushing off to add this before everyone has
looked.
http://sandradodd.com/breathing
Anyone else want to contribute a story, suggestion or an outside link
or quote?
Sandra
k
directly. Using phrases that allude to "time is money" is a bit like
sidestepping. Avoiding the reality of just what is the reason we
don't want to do something. Not really about time after all, is it?
~Katherine
Pam Tellew
> I've never really liked the idea of wasting time..... I can look at my day differently, see it differently,
> anticipated
with a few clothes hanging on it and a basket of clothes to be hung
below and it says, "Nothing you do is a waste of time."
I've always liked that a lot. Even my degrees that I don't use and
can't see ever "using" in the sense that they were "supposed" to be
used aren't a waste a time. Everything I've done has contributed to
who I am. I have learned something from everything I've done.
Pam T.
Jenny
> As for things like waiting in line or being stuck in traffic, I don't look
> at it as wasted time. I look at it as opportunity: What can I do with this
> time? I always have a book with me for that reason. Or I use that time to
> focus on my breath--bring myself to the present moment. It's all how you
> look at it.
>
sometimes when I feel like I want to be somewhere else sooner....
And another big big one for me is that I consider all the time I spent
in school, not counting college, a waste of time. There were some
redeeming things about it, but still, in general it felt like and
still does feel like a waste of my time. A bad chapter of my life
that sometimes I wish I could have back and redo how I would've done
it if I hadn't had to go to school.....I guess that is part of why I
give that to my kids, the freedom to do what they want with their
time, because I sure didn't have that as a kid.
Laura Endres
http://piscesgrrrl.blogspot.com/
*~*~*~*~*~*
May love and laughter light your days,
and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends be yours,
wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty bless your world
with joy that long endures.
May all life's passing seasons
bring the best to you and yours!
~Irish Blessing
*~*~*~*~*~*