That Peaceful Parenting audio that Sandra recommends is
transformative!  I couldn't recommend it more highly!

Here are a couple of my thoughts, for what they're worth:  ;-)

At 15:38 1/25/2008, you wrote:

It may help to remember that your values are not his values.  In
other words, the "simple need" of throwing out trash was *your*
simple need, not his!  He might have been happy to leave it where it
was.  I think it's helpful to remember that important point when
enlisting someone else's help.  This isn't about throwing out trash
properly, it's about helping me, and therefore us all, get out the
door.  It's a kindness that he would do to help you.

The flip side of that is being willing and able to accept "no" as a
response.  There are many times that I ask, Liam, my 13-year-old
son's help and he is not able to help because he's got something
going on that's more important to him.  In that case, I either do it
myself or it waits (if he says he can do it later).  As a result, he
is more than willing to help me when he can, and often offers help
without my asking.  It's actually quite rare that he declines my
request for help anymore, but he certainly has, and when he was much
younger, there were times when he really didn't feel like doing the
thing I was asking him to do.  That's okay, too.

By seeing this situation from that perspective, I believe you are
creating a space where generosity and helpfulness for their own sake
can exist and grow.  That's way better than "because I said so."  :-)

What does all this really mean to your 9-year-old when she is being
deprived of what she really wants?  It helps to remember that kids
live in the moment, and all the practicality of other moments are not
part of their thing.  That doesn't mean that the circumstances change
and all those things you said go away.  But, in between what you were
doing and what she wanted is . . . empathy.  We parents have empathy
as part of our took kit.

Assuming that you really, really could not accommodate any portion of
your daughter's wishes, there is a whole range of other things that
could have happened.  The first thing that leaps to my mind is
empathy.  You made this all about you, really, but it had to be
mighty disappointing to her to have to change up like that and
abandon her plans.  Being yelled at and lectured after that can do
nothing to help her feel as though you care for her and her feelings.

Choosing an empathic response takes no more time or effort, really,
than choosing to vent your frustrations.  It takes your conscious
choice, which you always have available to you.  And, it's good to
remember that no matter what you do, it is your choice ~ either
consciously or by default.

Again, it strikes me that you have made *her* plight more about
you.  I hate it when people do that to me!  I also don't like when
folks project their expectations onto me ("you're 16 and you can't
manage an outing?").  I can imagine how off-putting the whole
exchange was to your daughter.  I wonder how it might have been had
you said instead, "Oh.  Okay, well let's figure it out now" and then
you two could have joyfully put your heads together to get your daughter ready.

The way you responded was out of the frustration you felt because she
did not take your advice.  In the response I suggested, you would
have made the *conscious choice* to be in the here and now and
proceeded from that place, without alluding to your hurt feelings or
irritation about her disregarding you.

As easily as you can respond from your frustrations, you can choose
to allow those feelings of frustration to pass through you by taking
a few deep calming breaths (great stuff in Peaceful Parenting about
that!) and then choose a path that's not about you and your feelings
but about the situation at hand, with a little empathy thrown in, if
that's what's needed.

I really think that listening to the Peaceful Parenting presentation
will help loads.  I also think that it may help you to remember that
you have a whole range of experience that your kids don't
have.  Included in that range is the experience of having been a
kid.  This gives you the ability to have empathy for what they may be
feeling and thinking in their various situations.  Empathy is a great
tool!  It's like having a spy go across enemy lines!  (just
kidding)   In every case you described here, though, an empathic
response taking into account your kids' perspectives would have
helped I think.  I believe that you would have gotten more
cooperation and fostered better relations.

Sorry this is so long!  I hope it's a little helpful.

~Marji

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http://www.joyfullyparenting.com
Live Fully ~ Live JoyFully!
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