frustrations...

[Susan Fuerst]

I am really frustrated and want to ask for some input.

 

I have noticed recently that I am yelling frequently at children.  It seems I am not listened to, and then I get frustrated.  After several attempts at communications, I blow up in frustration.  I suspect that these frustrations are now built up in me and the fuse seems to get shorter.

 

I don't like what I'm seeing in response...cowers, silence, hanging heads, running off, banging doors, etc.

 

As an example, I was frustrated today with my 7 yo son.  While trying to get ready to leave the library, I was gathering our things, and getting the toddler's coat on.  I asked him to throw away a trash item that was with our things.  He nonchalantly said, 'no, why can't you do it yourself."  rather than respond lightheartedly that I had my hands full, my frustration leapt out, with, 'I'm loading all our things and trying to get your sister ready.'  To which he said, "geez, ok." and threw it away.  But I don't like that he was responding to my frustration rather than the simple need to put trash away.

 

Then we went to pick up the other children.  My nine yo dd tends to delay leaving or 'stowaway' when she is playing with friends and doesn't want to stop.  I try to understand and prepare for this..  So just before we left, I explained to her that we needed to leave the 4h meeting right at 2:50 in order to get her to her drama club, and get her sister to town for an outing.  I explained that I would need her to have her coat on and get right into the van.  When I arrived, she was the last one out, and came out saying she wanted to bring a friend with her.  I said we couldn't today since we had other plans.  She refused to get in the van.  Her older sister got upset because she needed to get home and get ready.  I asked her again and she began complaining about wanting to bring her friend..."Why can't we?" I told her, not kindly, to get in the van, we had talked about this.  She still refused.  By then everyone was frustrated.  I yelled, she finally got in.  I lectured her - yelled in frustration - ("We talked about this this morning.  You are being disrespectful of everyone else's need. I don't have time to call her Mom; and you don't have more than a half hour between this and your meeting ('she wants to go to the drama meeting."- she can't go to the drama meeting, she is not in that club; you can't just invite someone at the last minute...and on and on."

 

Next the 16 yr old gets worked up because she doesn't know what she's wearing to see "Wicked" tonight.  I blow up.  She has known about this for a month.  I asked her a few days ago what she was wearing, when she didn't know, I suggested she would be best off to decide and let me know if she needs anything. She didn't.  So I blow up that she has waited until the last minute and launch into how I suggested she be prepared.  She lost track of the date - I go into I can't believe she is 16 and can't manage an outing.  I am here to help and I try to help, but [she] doesn't let me know what she needs and I cannot read [her] mind...and on and on and on...

 

So now I am home for a bit and my blood is boiling.

 

The thoughts in my head about my children are quite negative, atm.  I feel as though I am failing unschooling these days.  we have seriously slid into a pit here, and I'm not sure how to begin to dig out.

 

thanks, Susan

[Sandra Dodd]

I'm about to leave the house and only read the first part carefully,
but I think this might help:
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
There's a sound file at the bottom you might want to listen to.

Sandra

[marji]

That Peaceful Parenting audio that Sandra recommends is transformative!  I couldn't recommend it more highly!

Here are a couple of my thoughts, for what they're worth:  ;-)

At 15:38 1/25/2008, you wrote:

But I don't like that he was responding to my frustration rather than the simple need to put trash away.

It may help to remember that your values are not his values.  In other words, the "simple need" of throwing out trash was *your* simple need, not his!  He might have been happy to leave it where it was.  I think it's helpful to remember that important point when enlisting someone else's help.  This isn't about throwing out trash properly, it's about helping me, and therefore us all, get out the door.  It's a kindness that he would do to help you.

The flip side of that is being willing and able to accept "no" as a response.  There are many times that I ask, Liam, my 13-year-old son's help and he is not able to help because he's got something going on that's more important to him.  In that case, I either do it myself or it waits (if he says he can do it later).  As a result, he is more than willing to help me when he can, and often offers help without my asking.  It's actually quite rare that he declines my request for help anymore, but he certainly has, and when he was much younger, there were times when he really didn't feel like doing the thing I was asking him to do.  That's okay, too.

By seeing this situation from that perspective, I believe you are creating a space where generosity and helpfulness for their own sake can exist and grow.  That's way better than "because I said so."  :-)

...You are being disrespectful of everyone else's need. I don't have time to call her Mom; and you don't have more than a half hour between this and your meeting ('she wants to go to the drama meeting."- she can't go to the drama meeting, she is not in that club; you can't just invite someone at the last minute...and on and on."

What does all this really mean to your 9-year-old when she is being deprived of what she really wants?  It helps to remember that kids live in the moment, and all the practicality of other moments are not part of their thing.  That doesn't mean that the circumstances change and all those things you said go away.  But, in between what you were doing and what she wanted is . . . empathy.  We parents have empathy as part of our took kit.

Assuming that you really, really could not accommodate any portion of your daughter's wishes, there is a whole range of other things that could have happened.  The first thing that leaps to my mind is empathy.  You made this all about you, really, but it had to be mighty disappointing to her to have to change up like that and abandon her plans.  Being yelled at and lectured after that can do nothing to help her feel as though you care for her and her feelings.

Choosing an empathic response takes no more time or effort, really, than choosing to vent your frustrations.  It takes your conscious choice, which you always have available to you.  And, it's good to remember that no matter what you do, it is your choice ~ either consciously or by default.

I am here to help and I try to help, but [she] doesn't let me know what she needs and I cannot read [her] mind...and on and on and on...

Again, it strikes me that you have made *her* plight more about you.  I hate it when people do that to me!  I also don't like when folks project their expectations onto me ("you're 16 and you can't manage an outing?").  I can imagine how off-putting the whole exchange was to your daughter.  I wonder how it might have been had you said instead, "Oh.  Okay, well let's figure it out now" and then you two could have joyfully put your heads together to get your daughter ready.

The way you responded was out of the frustration you felt because she did not take your advice.  In the response I suggested, you would have made the *conscious choice* to be in the here and now and proceeded from that place, without alluding to your hurt feelings or irritation about her disregarding you.

As easily as you can respond from your frustrations, you can choose to allow those feelings of frustration to pass through you by taking a few deep calming breaths (great stuff in Peaceful Parenting about that!) and then choose a path that's not about you and your feelings but about the situation at hand, with a little empathy thrown in, if that's what's needed.

I really think that listening to the Peaceful Parenting presentation will help loads.  I also think that it may help you to remember that you have a whole range of experience that your kids don't have.  Included in that range is the experience of having been a kid.  This gives you the ability to have empathy for what they may be feeling and thinking in their various situations.  Empathy is a great tool!  It's like having a spy go across enemy lines!  (just kidding)   In every case you described here, though, an empathic response taking into account your kids' perspectives would have helped I think.  I believe that you would have gotten more cooperation and fostered better relations.

Sorry this is so long!  I hope it's a little helpful.


~Marji

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.joyfullyparenting.com
Live Fully ~ Live JoyFully!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Sandra Dodd]

-=- The thoughts in my head about my children are quite negative,

atm. I feel as though I am failing unschooling these days. we have
seriously slid into a pit here, and I'm not sure how to begin to dig

out.-=-

It doesn't seem to be about unschooling, it seems to be about you
making sure they have what they need. Reminders. Checklists when
you're patient and friendly. Maybe you could have picked up the
trash and put it away before gathering the other things.

If you had children with severe disabilities, you'd be doing LOTS of
things for them you don't have to do with your kids now. If you
could appreciate the time and freedom and mobility you have with
healthy kids, and do more things for them, I think they'll do more
things for you. Even if they don't, picking up a piece of trash is
better than yelling. Taking the coat out and saying come on,
hurry, it's cold, and assuring her that her friend could come over
in a day or two if it was okay with her mom might've been better.

Something really wonderful was posted on the Unschooling.info/forum
this week.

Here's the link for those who want to read it directly: http://
unschooling.info/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=1501
and below it's quoted in full:

===========================
jbantau, Jan 21, 2008

I haven't posted for a while, but there are some things I really
wanted to share.

I realized, recently, that much of my difficulty with respecting my
children as equals is because I didn't want them in my 'club'. I
remember being a child and being left out of the grown ups' games and
parties. I remember wanting to hang out with my mom when she had
friends over for coffee, but now being allowed to participate. There
were so many times when I thought, "I can't wait to be grown up so I
can be part of that."

Well, now I'm grown up and I haven't wanted my kids to have equal
footing with me. I never had it with my parents. Why should they get
it? I never actually thought those words, but that is how it’s done
in parenting, right? Kids are kids and play with other kids. Adults
do adult things. A grown up may condescend to join in the kid stuff,
as a favor. Maybe, an adult would even surprise you with an
invitation to join the grown ups once in a while, but that was the
exception to the rule. There was never any doubt where the class
lines were drawn, though. Now I want my kids and I to be part of the
same club.

I am doing my best to adjust my behavior as the true meaning behind
my actions and reactions is discovered. The development of humility
and the deflating of my overlarge ego is difficult and painful, but
well worth it. Doing things with my children that enrich their lives
and make them feel loved is my true happiness.

I have learned that doing things for other people benefits me the
most. When I first began this unschooling journey I felt completely
overwhelmed. It seemed even more work then conventional
homeschooling. I felt used up and taken advantage of and under-
appreciated, but that is because I thought that I was doing
everything for everybody. I felt that my family was taking and not
giving me anything in return.

The truth is when you do things for other people or simply because
it’s the right thing to do you gain self-respect and, in turn, self-
esteem. This minor change in perspective has changed a lot of things
for me. I no longer feel that I am doing everything for everyone. I
am doing what makes me feel like a good person. I am doing it for me
as much as for them.

So to sum up, I won't exclude my children because I was excluded and
I benefit as much from doing thing for them as they do.

[Robyn L. Coburn]

<<<<<It seems I am not listened to, and then I get frustrated.  After several attempts at communications, I blow up in frustration.  I suspect that these frustrations are now built up in me and the fuse seems to get shorter.>>>>

 

It sounds like you are wanting strategies to communicate better with your children so that you don't have to feel frustrated and "blow up". It sounds something like you are asking "how can I get them to listen to me?"

 

I have a couple of ideas, but first I would like to suggest that this not be your focus, because it still leaves you in a sense at the mercy of their emotional state at any time. What if you employ every strategy and they still can't listen some particular time? 

 

I find life easier when I make my focus "how can I listen better".

 

The biggest thing that has helped me to avoid frustration with Jayn's behavior is: Don't take it personally.

 

She really is not doing things in order to annoy me. She is just trying to get her need met in the moment. I have the choice to respond to her by becoming frustrated, or by taking a deep breath and choosing calm. Often the solution is a moment of silence, allowing myself to absorb and accept her emotion.

 

It sounds like you might be expecting reasons and logic to prevail over emotions. My experience is that is unlikely especially with children. It is futile in the heat of the moment to talk about why something can't happen, if it can't. It just contributes to the child's feeling of not being heard. If not being heard is making your blood boil, you know how much the same feeling is distressing your children. They are then expressing their stress in the ways that you list. But these problematic behaviors are actually blessings because they show you there is pain, and lead you to find ways to change!

 

About effective communication: My mother was lousy at it almost til her dying day. She would say something, usually her most important point, and then keep talking on and on. She would then bring in and end her oration on other stuff not related to the original issue. She was totally tune-out-able, and then would become livid because someone would respond to her last remark (being the one most accessible in the short term "just heard" memory after her sudden conclusion), while she was waiting for a response to the long ago first sentence.

 

Keep it brief if you want kids to really hear you.

 

Touch their shoulder if it is really important that they focus on you, rather than expect the voice to do all.

 

State your need very simply and allow the child to come up with the solution, instead of making a directive:

EG "I need some help getting packed up." Gently and pleasantly - no silent "so get off your ass now!" in your tone of voice. Whenever I have had that in my thoughts, Jayn still hears it loud and clear and starts to defend herself - not helpful. Perhaps your son would have found something else to do, like carry something or offer to help with the toddler's coat instead. Or perhaps he needed a moment to make a transition to "leaving here mindset" and was in his own head at that moment. 

 

Also I think your 7yo couldn't see the importance of your need. Your judgement that he was "nonchalant" may not be helping your serenity. It helps me to ascribe a positive descriptor to Jayn's actions. For example one person's "nonchalant" is another person's "relaxed", "distracted", "confident" or even "cheery". It's always better to choose a word or idea that makes HER action about HER, rather than about (or directed at) ME.

 

Kid's speak in code. I have learnt that the phrase "Why can't you do it?" is by no means a literal request to know, and embarking on any such explanation takes energy away from finding a way to get the job done. When Jayn says that it is a statement of the strength of her unwillingness in that moment. It also sometimes means, "I'm tired", "I just need a moment", or "Don't bother me just now".

 

<<<<Then we went to pick up the other children.  My nine yo dd tends to delay leaving or 'stowaway' when she is playing with friends and doesn't want to stop.  I try to understand and prepare for this..  So just before we left, I explained to her that we needed to leave the 4h meeting right at 2:50 in order to get her to her drama club, and get her sister to town for an outing.  I explained that I would need her to have her coat on and get right into the van.  When I arrived, she was the last one out, and came out saying she wanted to bring a friend with her.  I said we couldn't today since we had other plans.  She refused to get in the van.  Her older sister got upset because she needed to get home and get ready.  I asked her again and she began complaining about wanting to bring her friend..."Why can't we?" I told her, not kindly, to get in the van, we had talked about this.  She still refused.  By then everyone was frustrated.  I yelled, she finally got in.  I lectured her - yelled in frustration - ("We talked about this this morning.  You are being disrespectful of everyone else's need. I don't have time to call her Mom; and you don't have more than a half hour between this and your meeting ('she wants to go to the drama meeting."- she can't go to the drama meeting, she is not in that club; you can't just invite someone at the last minute...and on and on." >>>>

 

We all have days when our time management gets away from us, especially with a toddler. 

 

Obviously the first general strategy in these kinds of situations is to allow longer margins - more time for your 9yo to transition from one activity to another. Arrive earlier to pick her up and give her a warning and more time to make the mental gear changes. I also endorse what Marji said about empathy, and would add that she may need to have her disappointment heard before being willing to move on emotionally. This takes time, and I understand about time crunches - BUT my experience is that the subjective time that this takes is much longer than reality.

 

However there are a couple of underlying issues here.

 

What struck me is that you were talking about clubs and playing with friends, with playing being your dd's priority. She wants, repeatedly by your report, to stay playing with friends. Certainly clubs and classes (Jayn has a dance class & park day after that she will rarely willingly miss) can be an important place to engage with friends. However it sounds like *perhaps* you are prioritizing a club attendance in itself, over what your dd wants which is more play time. How can you give her more playdates unattached to club attendance? Perhaps make it a habit to arrange the next time before leaving, so that your dd comes to see that her playtime is one of your big priorities.

 

Don't expect kids to remember a long conversation about time (or anything else much) from the morning. Jayn is 8, and I would think is a long way from being willing to stand by any agreement made in the morning when confronted by whatever is her immediate priority. Her recollection will become "fluid". When she feels backed into a corner she starts to tell lies about what she remembers was said in an effort to change the agreement. It's better not to put her in that position by trying to live in the present and not tax her willingness or ability to recall accurately. I would still talk about the time issues in the morning, but not in terms of being a bargain, but in the spirit of useful information. Eventually the information will be taken to heart.

 

Sometimes it is really important that we stick by our plan, and at others less so. If it is possible I always offer Jayn the choice not to attend today. I tell her when we reach the point of no return, but still allow it to be her choice. 

 

One of my best phrases is a heartfelt, "What a shame." In this kind of case I would probably initially offer to make the arrangement for next time (and follow through!). Then in the unchangeable situations the best thing really is a variation on State and Wait. "I'm so sorry we can't bring friend today, but it's really time to go." I'm assuming that this is the truth - that you really can't bring friend, and that going to the destination is essential. Respond with brevity to further asking: "It's a shame, but it's time to go."

 

And I would still make the arrangement possible for next time, even if Jayn's first response to that kind of offer had been a frustration fuelled negative.

 

<<<<<Next the 16 yr old gets worked up because she doesn't know what she's wearing to see "Wicked" tonight.  I blow up.  She has known about this for a month.  I asked her a few days ago what she was wearing, when she didn't know, I suggested she would be best off to decide and let me know if she needs anything. She didn't.  So I blow up that she has waited until the last minute and launch into how I suggested she be prepared.  She lost track of the date - I go into I can't believe she is 16 and can't manage an outing.  I am here to help and I try to help, but [she] doesn't let me know what she needs and I cannot read [her] mind...and on and on and on...>>>>

 

OMG it is sooo tempting to say "I told you so" isn't it? I'm supposed to be older and wiser and why won't she take my perfectly good advice?!? It's no good saying any of it in the moment because it just feeds the negativity and panic. And I would discourage anyone form doing it later too because my experience is that any kind of "I told you so" leads to the other person trying to minimize your opportunities to offer any kind of advice or help. You can't say "I told you so" if you never were allowed to tell so in the first place.

 

Next time there is a panic or disaster or urgent problem make solving the problem happily the first priority.

 

Sometimes people process through stressful moments by verbal venting (hmmm) or wringing their hands. Sometimes the feeling of being "worked up" as hard as it is to listen to, needs to be worked through and expressed before the practical solution phase can be approached. Sometimes the best thing is just to wait and really BE in the present moment and give the person a chance to reiterate their problem a few times before they say "now help me."

 

This is a one way street. I consider a big part of my job to be the recipient of Jayn's "negative" emotions as needed. However, our children can't be our places to receive our ventings. I'm glad you came and told us about your blood boiling and negative thinking. Now the time is to do one more thing: Remember Mary Gold's idea "It's not the Unschooling, it's the ............"

 

Find what the stress is in your life that is causing you to feel this way. Maybe you are trying to cram too much into your kids' schedule??? Maybe not enough so each club or commitment takes on an inflated importance. Maybe someone is putting expectations into your mind of how "good" children "should" behave. Maybe some of the kids' actions are bringing up old memories and baggage from your own childhood, or tapes of your own parents responses to similar situations from your youth.

 

I bet if you can find the true cause, you will be on the way to feeling better. 

 

Robyn L. Coburn

[Sandra Dodd]

What Robin wrote is worth reading twice for any moms still feeling all tied up. 

Breathe.  Anyone can get upset by holding her breath and thinking negative thoughts.  That's EASY.

Breathe deeply and slowly and think calming thoughts.  That's not as easy, but will become easier if you do it often.

About this:  -=-I bet if you can find the true cause, you will be on the way to feeling better. -=-

There might be several causes.  Decide how you want to be with your children, and make choices that lead in that direction.

Sandra

[Renee McGraw]

On Jan 26, 2008 12:06 AM, Robyn L. Coburn <dez...@ca.rr.com> wrote:

Keep it brief if you want kids to really hear you.

 

EG "I need some help getting packed up." Gently and pleasantly - no silent "so get off your ass now!" in your tone of voice. Whenever I have had that in my thoughts, Jayn still hears it loud and clear and starts to defend herself - not helpful. Perhaps your son would have found something else to do, like carry something or offer to help with the toddler's coat instead. Or perhaps he needed a moment to make a transition to "leaving here mindset" and was in his own head at that moment. 

This is a fantastic post Robyn!
I didn't happen to start this thread but you really gave me several "light-bulb" moments here.

Thanks!
--
Renee
http://awrinkleformybrain.blogspot.com/
http://www.360.yahoo.com/dazynay
http://www.womanevolving.blogspot.com/

[Susan Fuerst]

For me, Robyn's post hit the heart of the matter with my problem of feeling that my dc aren't hearing/listening to me.  I can own that, though I am not certain about solutions, and perhaps different circumstances and days require varying approaches.

 

I looked at the previous few weeks, and realized I had allowed a lot to build up within me.  I need to find ways to be aware and release my frustrations before letting them build up.  When that happens, every small thing becomes larger.

 

What had happened to me seems to be partly that I had done that.  And I think another part is that some of the oldest, strongest, deepest negative influence voices have found a stronghold in my mind.  I had allowed myself to get overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy.

 

Another facet for me was that I had done much focused work over a month or so in trying to 'build our nest' Things had gotten a bit cluttered and disorganized, and it was causing me stress.  I think it made it harder for my dc to enjoy things we have, too.  But UI was doing this work, and though I *knew* it was  me who recognized and wanted it better, I was feeling unappreciated, unrecognized, tired, and unsure I would ever get to a better nest.

 

there is another facet or two, but I don't know that it would benefit anyone else to share it here.

 

I wonder if anyone else has ever found themselves complacent in their unschooling journey, and some negative patterns seems to creep in?  I have unschooled a long time.  So maybe I thought I was immune to getting in a rut.  Maybe I had left some of the 'tools' in my box dusty and unused? 

 

I did choose to be more mindful.  I also chose to ask my dh to do some of the running with dc on the weekend.  I was able to be more present and focused with dc, to really get in with what we were doing.  3yo dd 7 yo son and I spent quite awhile setting up (and knocking down) dominoes all through our living room and foyer.  We all watched a movie together later.  I got an hour or so in the basement, and realized I have made much headway, I am looking more forward to working with dc in that space to enjoy it.

 

I do see a shift back in the direction of peaceful living here.   As long as I continue to boot out the thoughts and voices that are erroneous and causing distress.

 

I also signed on to get Scott Noelle's daily note, and I will read some of Sandra's and Joyce's site  -   Just for some refreshers.

 

thanks all, Susan

---

[Sandra Dodd]

-=and I will read some of Sandra's and Joyce's site - Just for
some refreshers.-=-

There's new stuff there all the time.

-=I need to find ways to be aware and release my frustrations before

letting them build up. When that happens, every small thing becomes

larger.-=-

Did you listen to the Peaceful Parenting talk?
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully

Sandra

[Susan Fuerst]

I listened to this tonight.

I few interesting coincidences...when you gave this your two older children
were 16 and 13. That's what I have now (but with three other youngers).
And it helped me to hear you mention that you weren't 'perfect' at it...that
you sometimes blew up. Until you discovered the root of your problem and
your children were no longer the target of anger that wasn't about them.

Also, today, I came across a title by Tich Nahn (sp and the rest of his name
escape me), but it's one I flagged to look up.

I do think that it's challenging for me here because I have a 16 yr old
night owl. Sometimes it is very helpful to stay up and enjoy her company.
But I am tired when I do that and have a toddler crawl in the bed in the
middle of the night, and or another with a nightmare or sleepwalking. It is
easy to get tired, then I am less able to stay a step ahead and prepare the
environment, or strew wonderful items.

Also, my dh doesn't care to grow in understanding of unschooling and
non-coercive approaches. I feel that he 'undoes' some of the work of
peaceful parenting that I strive to grow toward. Yet...the tape reminds me
that while not always the 'most peaceful', this home and family is a far cry
from what I don't want (tense, unsafe, fearful, full of discord.)

The other thing that initially strikes me most powerfully is the word
*practice* It would be right to say that I am out of practice, in that I
am often apologizing after I have said or done something. When I am more
centered, I am capable of stopping myself and not acting, or not re-acting
to something, but just allowing it to be; and coping with it beyond the
emotion of the moment.

One more thing that 'popped out' was your reference to ACoA. Many years
ago, I was given a booklet of daily affirmations that really changed my life
because I worked with it for several years, changing some tapes, or at least
adding healthy ones and quieting the unhealthy ones.

I had something happen to me personally awhile ago that really threw me off
my horse, so to speak, in terms of my self concept and my self in
relationship. This has changed my way of living and changed my sense of
community. It's difficult to articulate, though it launched me into an
abyss of hurt, frustration, and confusion that I am still navigating
through.

For the first time in over a decade, I truly needed to return to those daily
affirmations. I get frustrated with myself for being such a 'slow healer'
emotionally. And I wonder whether I am capable of empowering my dc to be
more emotionally healthy.

I have drifted from 'bringing to bear high quality love and compassion in
bringing myself back to simply breathing' (to paraphrase another part of the
tape).

Finally, I recognize I do have many peaceful tapes that I have had for
years. I don't see them taking root so much, and I'm not sure what's up.
For example, I say most days, "You will get angry since you are human;
hitting, bullying, breaking are not acceptable actions. You need to get a
break." I am discouraged when I see my oldest bullying youngers (not
physically, but with 'shut up' or demanding and coercive language.) Perhaps
it is partly that some dc just don't like each other much, and they don't
have a way out of that. So it's time to find ways for them to get along
here while they live in the same home.

I am possibly a bit more like Richard in finding that, for me, a regular
practice of mindful breathing is at least very helpful, if not essential, in
my being able to be at my own peace.

thanks, Susan

[Sandra Dodd]

-=-For the first time in over a decade, I truly needed to return to those daily

affirmations.  I get frustrated with myself for being such a 'slow healer'

emotionally.  And I wonder whether I am capable of empowering my dc to be

more emotionally healthy.-=-

You don't "empower" a tree to grow.  You just try not to prevent its growth.

And people don't "heal" totally emotionally, certainly not in one year.  And healing enough for one life stage doesn't necessarily extend to another stage.  When you have a child, you need to do a review of the tools that helped you overcome your past.  You'll see them differently the second time, and the third.  It's not a finished process, as long as the effects can still come upon you when you're tired or unhappy or whatever allows childhood hurts and voices to come back into your heart and mind.

That Daily Affirmations book is excellent to keep around.  I've given away a dozen copies, I'm sure.  I used to look in used book stores for them so I'd have them to give out.

-=-For example, I say most days, "You will get angry since you are human;

hitting, bullying, breaking are not acceptable actions. You need to get a

break."-=-

But that's a message about what others do to you.  It's an encouragement to allow yourself to be angry.  It's whiney, in the "you need a break" part.  

If not just every day, but every moment, you say "I need to  make the better choice.  It's what  YOU do that will make the difference, not what you think most days about what others do to you.

-=-So it's time to find ways for them to get along

here while they live in the same home.  -=-

Past time.

http://sandradodd.com/peace/fighting

People on this list can help.

Sandra

[Sanguin...@aol.com]

In a message dated 2/1/2008 11:24:46 PM Eastern Standard Time, San...@sandradodd.com writes:

That Daily Affirmations book is excellent to keep around.  I've given away a dozen copies, I'm sure.  I used to look in used book stores for them so I'd have them to give out.

Which Daily Affirmations book is that? I am buying some books on Amazon and wanted to add that one to my cart.

 

Peace,

De

---

Who's never won? Biggest Grammy Award surprises of all time on AOL Music.

[Susan Fuerst]

here it is:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0932194273/ref=sib_dp_pt/002-7352909-2910442#reader-link

---

From: Unschoolin...@googlegroups.com [mailto:Unschoolin...@googlegroups.com] On Behalf Of Sanguin...@aol.com
Sent: Saturday, February 02, 2008 11:57 AM

To: Unschoolin...@googlegroups.com
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Re: frustrations...update

[amyLS]

Susan, I tried for a while to find this poem for you, but I couldn't.
It's by Shel Silverstein, and it's called 'A Kid, a Cat and a Mom'.
You have received ecxellent advice on this thread, but this poem (I
think) may give you a spirit-boost.

[Susan Fuerst]

Thanks, I'll look for it, too. WE have a couple Silverstien books around
here somewhere.

Things around here are much improved. I am really taking more time to
notice. I attending more to the joyful times and moments. I have been
repeating the phrase, "What you focus on, you get more of..." While not
grammatically correct, it really has helped me to breathe in appreciation of
the times of joy and laughter. And even to take a breath sometimes before
things get out of hand, breathe, and turn it into a moment of laughter
rather than tears.

After searching through the layers of this, it seems these unhealthy
patterns arose from the base of my own misaligned expectation. I realized I
had developed the incorrect notion that having no conflict was the
goal/hope, expectation. Once I found that within me, it is simple to
dismiss as an untruth. Over the past week, there were only two yelling
incidents (on my part). The second one, I went outside and didn't yell *at*
anyone, but one child saw it. And they all heard the emphatic door slam as
I went out! Anyway, I have been thinking, even though that is better, I
asked myself if the yelling seemed to help me. Maybe it was necessary, but
I don't know if it was helpful in terms of returning my adrenaline rush to
peacefulness.

In addition, my 9 yo dd has recommitted herself to doing her daily
'breathing exercises' which were prescribed due to a diagnosis of vocal
chord dysfunction'. The speech pathologist recommended I do them too. It's
basically a progressive relaxation thing, though it has to do with
consciously changing breathing to be through the diaphragm, rather than the
upper chest. DD developed shallow breathing patterns when she was an infant
and had tracheolaryngal malaysia. The speech path did a nice explanation
about the cycle...shallow breathing leads to tense muscles in the shoulders
and chest, which leads imitates a stress reaction, then the brain sees this
tension and thinks it's stressed, then finds a focus for it. Then the
perceived stressor seems to get bigger, etc. So, it's important for me to
keep that in mind, to, that this particular child tends to seem stressed, or
get stressed, due to this unnatural breathing pattern; and that she needs to
work harder than many to find the breathing rhythm that lends itself to
calmness. Maybe it's inherited, and I have developed poor breathing
patterns, too. Either way, conscious breathing provides the simple, and
challenging, course.
thanks, Susan

[Sandra Dodd]

-= I realized I

had developed the incorrect notion that having no conflict was the
goal/hope, expectation. Once I found that within me, it is simple to

dismiss as an untruth.-=-

"Simple to dismiss"? That sounds like a dangerous way to see it.

If the world is black and white, and there is truth and untruth, and
right and wrong, will you stop looking for a way to decide what's
better?

Lack of conflict is my goal, hope and expectation. I don't
accomplish it in every moment, but if I dismissed it, I could stop
right then having it as a goal.

We have very little conflict here, and less and less as time goes
by. Sometimes one of us gets frustrated and sometimes a door gets
slammed (Kirby used to do it most; now I do it most, but it's rarer
than it used to be). Because we all have seen and been part of the
progress, though, it's easier each time to trust that the others are
on our side and will help us cheer up as soon as we take a deep
breath and say "oops, sorry," and invite that help in.

-= Anyway, I have been thinking, even though that is better, I
asked myself if the yelling seemed to help me. -=-

I'm guessing you haven't yet listened to the thing Diana recommended
(I think she did):
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully

If it was better once, it doesn't mean it will be better the next
time. Even "better" gets better and better as you move toward being
more mindful.

Sandra

[Susan Fuerst]

I did listen to the tape. Maybe I misheard something, but I recall
something about accepting that as humans growing in this family setting,
there will be conflicts. These varying personalities didn't choose this
family, they were born into it. My dh and I have most frequently been able
to work out differences peacefully. But there are people of various ages and
stages here right now. Of course, time and being mindful will work toward
building those relationships. Some of my best relationships are those where
I was able to find a way to openly work through a *conflict*.

For me, realizing that some conflict is inevitable enables me to take that
moment and think...someone is tired, frustrated, hungry, distracted, ill,
and I can see that as the root. Maybe as children are more grown, and I work
at building relationship, even amidst the rough moments or my inevitable
mistakes or tired moments, or moments of failing to live up to the ideal,
then maybe there will be fewer conflicts, as they develop skills and
experience also. I doesn't mean I have given up on the target, but I have
given up being perfectionistic about the times I miss the target. I doesn't
mean I don't hope for the target, and shoot for it as much as I am able.

We have had many years of not much conflict, if I compare to many families
I know. I suspect we will have less and less as time goes by, also. I hit a
rough spot, recognized it, am committing to exploring it, and reaffirming my
commitment to seek peaceful parenting/unschooling principles.

-=from my earlier post: Anyway, I have been thinking, even though that is

better, I asked myself if the yelling seemed to help me. -=-

and your response:

If it was better once, it doesn't mean it will be better the next
time. Even "better" gets better and better as you move toward being
more mindful.<<

The answer I concluded fro myself was, 'no' Even going out the door and
just yelling to let out what it was that had my underwear in a bunch wasn't
much better (and which consequently proved even more insignificant than I
knew). It was better than directing it toward a child. You're right: There
is better, and I can see it from here, and I am working toward it.
susan

-----Original Message-----
From: Unschoolin...@googlegroups.com
[mailto:Unschoolin...@googlegroups.com] On Behalf Of Sandra Dodd
Sent: Monday, February 11, 2008 9:07 PM
To: Unschoolin...@googlegroups.com
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Re: frustrations...update

[Sandra Dodd]

-= We have had many years of not much conflict, if I compare to many
families
I know.-=-

Well that's good, to compare yourself to other families and to the
way you used to be, instead of an imagined perfection.
But the imagined perfection should still be in your head, I think, so
you can make decisions moving toward it.

Sometimes I think of things I wish I had done or said or I wish I had
been more attentive or patient and sometimes I see in that very
moment that I'm sitting there thinking about myself instead of
getting up and going and being with my husband or kids. It's weird,
and people who come to it new think "martyrdom!?" or self sacrifice,
but it's not that. It's investment.

Sandra

[k]

Investment. And it's also immediately less stressful.

This weekend ds happened to have pulled his socks off his feet at some
point that I didn't remember or pay attention to. "How can you let
him run around without his socks on!!???" (I felt his feet which were
toasty warm) "Blah blah blah!!! How could you? Blah blah blah"
Then wayyyy at the end..... "he needs socks on his feet."

My immediate thought was "oh!" I had no idea what was being asked
until well after all the rest had been said. I got the socks.

I didn't understand what the matter was.

It's fine to realize first within yourself and then simply say what it
is you want.

Then if the answer is "no" or "in a minute" or whatever there can be
room for dialogue if need be and the headspace hasn't already been
used up with a big long title page, a weighty thesis and footnotes.

~K~