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Learning to speak up and to counter a person's abuse of authority is
tough. It's a skill to be learned. And WORTH it... because no matter
how uncomfortable it feels to face off with someone, it is better than
all the feelings that persist after you DON'T face off.
(HUGS) Was that Falmouth or Cape Cod hospital? I always thought the care at Falmouth was better...had my two girls there even though Cape Cod was closer (we'd lived in Bourne on Otis and then out in Harwich).
I'm shocked to hear how the nurse reacted. My 12 year old son recently
had (just) his adenoids out and cried after the operation for about 20
minutes. There were kids howling in other rooms. The nurse told me that
all kids cry after the operation (not true, because the the next day my
8 year old daughter had the same operation and didn't cry at all). But
I would say that 99 percent of the time they do cry. Was this her first
time on a paediatric ward, or something???? (I should type that last
sentence in capitals!)
I think it's the after-effects of the anaesthetic, as well as the pain.
I had a miscarriage with a D and C under general anaesthetic between my
first and second children and the worst thing about it was waking up
after the anaesthetic. it made me feel really ill and depressed.
BTW, my son also blew his nose, and the nurse told him firmly not to do
it again, because it could make him bleed. I can understand her
telling him he wouldn't want to do it again because that could have
been a consequence, but it was probably her tone and all the other
stuff piled on top of that that she did that really sucks.
Rina in Germany, where the hospital staff is not generally sensitive.
> -------------------------------1155736497
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> <DIV>Hi,</DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV>I am Robin, partner to Ron (today is our 10 year anniversary) and Mommy=
> to 9y.o. Melissa, 7y.o. Sam and 2 y.o. Madison. Foster mom to 6 year=20=
> old Anthony. We live in Cape Cod, MA. My husband is a police off=
> icer and I stay at home with our happy clan. Radical unschooling has c=
> hanged our lives and we are all thriving!</DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV>We have been homeschooling/unschooling from the beginning and radically=
> unschooling for the past several months. I have been lurking on this=20=
> list for a while and am amazed at the wise, wonderful help I have found here=
> . Sandra, specifically, your wisdom has helped me tremendously. =20=
> I am a better mother, wife and person thanks to reading your posts=
> and visiting your web sites. I was shocked recently to learn that you=
> didn't grow up in a plastic, shiny, happy bubble. You are an amazing=20=
> woman! </DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV>I don't have many unschooling questions as those were addressed early o=
> n by my mentors :) on the UB list. Since I grasped the concepts of=
> RU, I have usually been able to figure out the mindful way to deal wit=
> h issues that arise. When I feel clueless I refer to our bib=
> le: Parenting A Free Child and always find answers there or on Sandra's site=
> .</DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV>My question that I am having difficulty with is how others deal with no=
> t so mindful parents and adults who are abusive (in my presence) to their ow=
> n children or to my children.</DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV>Example: My son just had a tonsillectomy/adenoidectomy to help hi=
> s severe obstructive sleep apnea. He woke up in the recovery room scre=
> aming in pain and wanting to blow his nose. The nurse repeatedly threa=
> tened him to stop blowing his nose and told him "You just had surgery Sam, y=
> ou don't want to have to go back in and have to do it again." This was=
> five minutes out of anesthesia. She told him to stop crying about a hu=
> ndred times, making him sob. She threatened him a few more times once=20=
> while trying to force him to eat a popsicle that he was clearly not ready fo=
> r, she told him she'd have to have me leave the room if he didn't do what he=
> was supposed to. I told him I wasn't going anywhere but really wanted=
> to address her. Then, when he was moved to his room and the nurse came=
> in and shoved a tube of liquid Tylenol with codeine into his half awake mou=
> th he freaked out and spewed it all over her and she threatened that he woul=
> dn't be able to go home the next day if he didn't take his meds. I tol=
> d her that he needed a few minutes and asked her to leave the room but I rea=
> lly wanted to address the threatening and coercion which continued throughou=
> t the night. I have some issues (fears)about hospital staff stemming f=
> rom my birth with Sam 7 year's ago. After pushing for 7 hours at home,=
> my midwife rushed us to the hospital and I had a cruel, heartless nurse who=
> abused me throughout the night (12 hr shift) after I wouldn't let her take=20=
> my baby to the nursery and after setting her straight about breastfeeding on=
> demand and a few other issues. I was at her mercy (she was evil!) and=
> I felt that at the hospital last week with Sam. I was afraid to tell=20=
> them off because I didn't know of a mindful way to do it that wouldn't negat=
> ively affect Sam and I for the remainder of our stay. I feel like I le=
> t my son down by not addressing their cruelty. How have others dealt w=
> ith these types of icky people?</DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV>Yesterday at the Trader Joe's a mom with a tiny baby in the front of he=
> r carriage and a 2 year old in the back kept verbally abusing him in every a=
> isle and it continued into the parking lot where she slammed him into his ca=
> r seat, screaming at him, etc. He was a tiny boy with a damaged spirit=
> and very sad expression. I honestly wished I could steal him and save=
> him.</DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV>Basically, since I have fully embraced mindful parenting and radic=
> al unschooling I have a really hard time witnessing abusive parents/people a=
> nd keeping my mouth shut. Is there a gentle way to remind a person tha=
> t she is being cruel to a very young person?</DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV>Thanks for reading and sorry it turned out so long.</DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV>
> <DIV>Warmly,</DIV>
> <DIV>Robin</DIV>
> <DIV> </DIV></BODY></HTML>
>
> -------------------------------1155736497--
I didn't mean to sound directive, or whatever tone it was that
may have sounded like 'throwing guilt around'. If you told me that
sewing was a great skill, and that I'd be glad to learn it because I
would save money or something, ... well, I KNOW I am never going to
learn to sew, but I wouldn't feel guilty!
Moving on... I just had an experience of stepping in when
someone was mis-handling a child. We were at a family cottage with my
mom, her friend, and her friend's children. One of the children is a
foster child. His mother was mentally disabled and also behaviorally
unstable. The friend was a 'host' to the mom... the mom and baby lived
in her home under her guidance. The mom got aggressive and a bit
dangerous, and was placed in a structured facility. The baby (then 3)
stayed with the friend. His name is Kyle, and he is 7. He has very
mild retardation and cerebral palsy. He is difficult to engage, and
gets very angry when approached in a controlling manner. If he
perceives any threat, he just says 'NO!' very loudly, and then ignores
everything.
I enjoyed engaging him...showing him the baby squirrel I am
caring for, coaxing him out of his shell a bit. He opened up quite a
bit... he actually told me that he hates school because it is boring
and they treat him like a baby.
Anyway, at breakfast this morning. I cooked and served plates,
my mom poured drinks at the table, and the friend (Kyle's foster mom)
was out taking care of her goat. We had 10 kids at the table. My mom
gets cranky with mealtimes (she sees them as a big chore, and gioves
off this vibe that the kids, and all the mess, are a pain in the neck).
Kyle was last to be served, so he wandered toward the table with his
plate. My mom was visibly aggrieved at the task of fitting in one more
kid at the table. She heaved a sigh and made a big deal of moving two
kids' chairs to make room. Kyle saw this. She said,'Okay Kyle... do
you want to sit here?'........ it was said in a 'tone'. He frowned
and gave her a loud 'NO!'
It was obvious that he had picked up on her aggravation, and did
not want to be part of any of it. But she got angry... she started
moving very briskly, and put on a fake tone: "OH! OK, you don't want
to sit with the other kids? Then you go stand here and eat by
yourself....' and she marched him over to the card table.
I had been washing my hands and listening, and I stepped in
there and said 'Mom, stop!!' I said it lightly, and guided Kyle to the
table and sat him down. I wanted her to just go and eat her eggs in
the other room like she was waiting to do. She got very huffy with
me...'I was just trying to help him!...He mouthed off to me and I won't
stand for that!'
I deflected her and poured her coffee... she was mad at me for
about ten minutes. When it comes to stepping in... one's own family is
harder in ways, and easier in others. I loved the story (I think from
Sandra?) about the time a cranky aunt took a kid's dessert away because
he didn't eat his dinner... and the mom seamlessly just slid her own
dessert over to him. Point made, no words.
I'm embarrassed on behalf of other adults when they really can't see
that they've just done the very thing they're angry at a kid for doing.
This afternoon I was very frustrated and cranky and feeling
unappreciated and worried that we were going to drive into a
rainstorm and be late and and and...
Marty, Keith and Holly just did things to make the trip happen more
quickly and smoothly, making concrete but gentle suggestions like
"Would you rather Marty drove?" and nobody got mad at me, and I tried
not to say anything TO anyone or about anyone, just to express that I
was feeling overwhelmed and like I'd had to do all the planning.
They knew I would calm down, and I knew it and tried to hurry it
along. We were laughing and joking when we were only about three
miles from the house. Rain didn't come until after the play, and we
were 20 minutes early.
Anyone involved could have made it worse, and I'm glad nobody did.
But I can think of more situations than I could count of times when
some adult (such as my mom) has gotten flustered that way and started
blaming anyone and everyone, but heaven help the others if they "talk
back" or tell her to chill out.
-=-I deflected her and poured her coffee... she was mad at me for
about ten minutes. When it comes to stepping in... one's own family is
harder in ways, and easier in others. -=-
I loved the story (I think from
Sandra?) about the time a cranky aunt took a kid's dessert away because
he didn't eat his dinner... and the mom seamlessly just slid her own
dessert over to him. Point made, no words.-=-
Keith's mom, a young Marty, me. I did say something like "Here,
Marty. You can have mine." Didn't say a word to his grandma, but
saw out of the corner of my eye that she started to say something to
me and then didn't.
As our kids got bigger she got nicer. <g>
Sandra