You mean you're NOT my blind date?

0 views

Skip to first unread message

The Jokester

unread,

Jul 7, 2008, 6:14:16 PM7/7/08

to Jokes-From-Dan@yahoogroups. com, TheJo...@googlegroups.com

Things Not To Say During Sex

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

Do you smell something burning?

(in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead

Try breathing through your nose

A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

But whipped cream makes me break out

Person : This is your first time right?
Person : Yeah today

(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

On second thought, let's turn off the lights

And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

So much for mouth-to-mouth

(using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober

(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

(preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth

Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

I want a baby!

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

(in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

Maybe we should call Dr Ruth

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

I think you have it on backwards

When is this supposed to feel good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Is that blood on the headboard?

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

I wish we got the Playboy channel

That leak better be from the waterbed!

I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

If you quit smoking you might have more endurance

No, really I do this part better myself!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

This would be more fun with a few more people

You're almost as good as my ex!

Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

You look younger than you feel

Perhaps you're just out of practice

You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash

Now I know why he/she dumped you

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated

What tampon?

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

I have a confession

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

Are those real or am I just behind the times?

Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

Is that a hanging sculpture?

You'll still vote for me, won't you?

Did I mention my transsexual operation?

I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

Did you come yet, dear?

I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Does this count as a date?

Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please

I think biting is romantic- don't you?

You can cook, too right?

When would you like to meet my parents?

Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like
Woman: Yourself?

Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names

Don't mind me I always file my nails in bed

(in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off Do you have a light?

Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman

Sorry but I don't do toes!

You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper

I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"

So that's why they call you MR Flash!

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

Is this a sin too?

I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!