Two Drops of Water
The Jokester
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Observation I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.
White Zinfandel Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue. Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
Irish Fight Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.
"What happened to you? asks Sean the bartender.
"Jamie O Conner and me had a fight." says Paddy.
"That little shit, O Conner " says Sean "He couldn’t do that to you, he must of had something in his hand."
"That he did. says Paddy ''a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licken he gave me with it"
"Well'' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?"
''That I did'' said Paddy..."Mrs. O Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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