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This person needs a job. This individual seeks an executive position. He
will be available in January 2009, and is willing to relocate.
RESUME
GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the
influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's
license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and
is not available.
Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a
drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas
Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
I began my career in the oil business in Midland Texas, in 1975. I bought an
oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt
shortly after I sold all my stock.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land
using taxpayer money.
With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including
Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making
Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston
replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in
borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American
history.
With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's
appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States,
after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal
record.
I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one
billion dollars per week.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month
period.
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S.
stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost
their jobs and that trend continues.
I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any
administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice,
has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record -holder for receiving the most
corporate campaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends,
Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S.
history, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure
my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation
or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica
Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest
corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in
U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil
industry was revealed.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President
in U.S. history.
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the
history of the United States Government.
I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove
the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
I refused to allow inspector’s access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees
and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election
inspectors (during the 2002 US election).
I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President
since the advent of television.
I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.
After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst
security failure in U.S. history.
I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center
attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in
the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously
protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for
protests against any person in the history of mankind.
I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive
attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against
the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world
community.
I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty
benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking
Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%)
view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to
justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of m y tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's
library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt
companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended
regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for
public review. I specified that my sealed documents will not be available
for 50 years.
Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, 'Bill, I have
a great idea. I know how we can win back Middle America and secure my
presidential victory in 2008'.
'Great, but how do you propose we go about that?' asked Bill.
'Well', Hillary responds, 'We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some
cheezy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear, and then we'll
stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part we'll go to
a nice old country bar in middle America, and we'll show them that we really
enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working
people living there.'
A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel,
they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived
at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the
bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes a step back and says,
'Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?'
Hillary answers, 'Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were
just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local
color.'
They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to
drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would
listen.
All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in.
He walks up to the Labrador, lifts its tail and looks underneath, shrugs his
shoulders and walks out the door.
A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walks up to the dog,
lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, and then leaves the
bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came
in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the
bartender over ''Tell me', said Hillary, 'Why did all those old farmers come
in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?'
'Good Lord no', said the bartender, 'Its just that someone has told them
that there was a Labrador in here with two assholes!'
"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the
country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag
the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a
parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can
always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have
to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for
lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger."
-- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials
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