News of the Weird, February 3, 2008
Minister Chuck
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* Mayor Grace Saenz-Lopez (Alice, Tex., pop. 19,000) and her
twin sister were indicted in January for hiding evidence in a
dognapping case. Saenz-Lopez had agreed to babysit a Shih Tzu
but, alarmed by the dog's sickliness, she kept it and lied to the
owners that it had died. When it was spotted at a local grooming
service, Saenz-Lopez and her sister allegedly began a coverup that
included the mayor's once pretending to be her sister. The mayor
told her lawyer that if not for her husband, she would go to jail "for
the rest of [my] life" rather than give the dog back. Most recently,
Saenz-Lopez reported that the dog had run away, but many of her
constituents are skeptical. [Houston Chronicle-San Antonio
Express-News, 1-19-08]
(UPDATE: She resigned on Friday.
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/5508218.html)
Government in Action!
* Among the accusations that emerged from an FBI investigation
of the U.S. government's beleaguered Special Inspector General
for Iraq Reconstruction (according to a December Washington Post
report) is that the deputy director of that office, Ginger Cruz, a self-
described Wiccan, had been threatening to place hexes on
employees if they co-operated with outsiders' evaluations of the
agency. (She was cleared of those charges by the internal SIGIR
staff.) [The Guardian (London)-Reuters, 12-14-07]
* A commercial, pre-packaged ham-and-cheese sandwich using
one slice of bread is regulated by the U.S. Department of
Agriculture, which conducts daily inspections under its
jurisdiction, but a ham-and-cheese sandwich on two slices of bread
falls to the Food and Drug Administration, which inspects plants
about once every five years. That anomaly surfaced in the current
presidential campaign and was verified by a Congressional
Quarterly-St. Petersburg Times "Politifact" researcher in
December. A USDA official admitted to the Times that there "is
no rationale or logic" behind the distinction: "[I]t's an issue that
makes it look like we don't know what we're doing." [St.
Petersburg Times, 12-11-07]
* Political Campaign Strategies: (1) Lee Myung-bak was elected
president of South Korea in December, perhaps attributable in part
to his organization's spraying a sharp fragrance they call "Great
Korea" in the air at campaign events and then on election day at
polling places, hoping for an olfactory influence on undecided
voters. (2) Mathew Lajoie, 21, could have used chemical help in
his race for an at-large school board seat in Brunswick, Maine, in
November. He spent the campaign trying to convince voters that
he is a changed man from the one who had amassed 18 criminal
convictions in the previous two years. (He lost but received 10.5
percent of the votes.) [Reuters, 12-13-07] [Times Record
(Brunswick, Maine), 10-23-07; Portland Press-Herald, 11-7-07]
Great Art!
* Samina Malik, 23, was convicted in a British court in December
and given a suspended nine-month sentence for having amassed a
large collection of how-to books on terrorism. She came to
authorities' attention as the self-described "lyrical terrorist" who
writes poetry glorifying the Islamic mujahadeen fighters who
specialize in beheadings. (From her "How to Behead": "Tilt the
fool's head to its left / Saw the knife back and forth / No doubt that
the punk will twitch and scream / But ignore the donkey's ass /
And continue to slice back and forth") [Daily Mail (London), 11-
8-07; The Guardian (London), 12-6-07]
* In January, the Centre for Recent Drawing art gallery in a
London, England, suburb scheduled a series of 55 works by artist
Jordan McKenzie, 40, called "Spent," even though they consist
merely of canvases onto which he had ejaculated and covered with
carbon sprinkles. McKenzie maintained that the works were
"heartfelt and delicate." [The Sun (London), 1-10-08]
Police Blotter
* The Austin (Tex.) Police Department announced in January that
it had suspended Officer Scott Lando, 45, based on preliminary
indications that he had been hiring a prostitute while on duty.
According to a search warrant affidavit (disclosed in the Austin
American-Statesman), Lando had paid for the woman's services in
part by giving her free rein over part of Mrs. Lando's closet,
declaring that his wife "would never miss" some of the items.
[American-Statesman, 1-2-08]
* Chutzpah: (1) Georgia Ann Newman, 36, was arrested and
charged with battery on a police officer after she not only spit on a
Charleston, W.Va., officer but, as he was leading her away, wiped
her nose on his uniform shirt. (2) Teresa Walker, 44, was arrested
in Cincinnati, Ohio, in October in the course of a minor traffic stop
because, while the ticket was being written, she allegedly called the
police department on her cell phone to complain that the officer
was writing too slowly. She later denied the officer's charge that
she had threatened to "shoot" him if he didn't speed it up, but only
to "sue" him. [Charleston Daily Mail, 12-27-07] [Cincinnati
Enquirer, 10-29-07]
Turning Their Lives Over to Sat-Nav
* Satellite-navigation is undoubtedly a boon to drivers, but reports
are accumulating of incidents in which drivers turned over too
much discretion to the technology. For example, in January in
Bedford Hills, N.Y., a visiting Silicon Valley computer technician
absent-mindedly obeyed his car's global positioning system and
wound up, stalled, on railroad tracks, where a passing Metro-North
train smashed into it (after the man had exited). [Journal News
(White Plains, N.Y.), 1-3-08]
Medical Personnel With Issues
* (1) In October, Syracuse, N.Y., dentist George Trusty was sued
in federal court after a drill bit snapped off and lodged near a
patient's eye, allegedly because Trusty was dancing to the song
"Car Wash" on the radio while tending to the patient. (2) In
January, former Skokie, Ill., eye doctor's assistant Joseph Vernell
Jr., was sued after a patient complained that, in a dark room
"exam," Vernell was detected licking her toes (but then explaining
that he was actually "checking [her] sugar level"). [San Francisco
Chronicle-AP, 11-2-07] [Chicago Tribune, 1-17-08]
Least Competent Criminals
* Too Late: According to police in Honolulu in January, it was
Ellis Cleveland who robbed the four banks within a five-day span,
and that's what an officer said to him as they arrested him.
Responded Cleveland, "Four. I didn't do four. I only robbed three
banks. But it doesn't matter because I'm not talking to you guys. I
want a lawyer." Police later said that Cleveland was not counting
the attempted robbery on December 31 of the Bank of Hawaii
because, after three different tellers tried unsuccessfully to decipher
his holdup note, Cleveland gave up and walked out empty-handed.
[Honolulu Advertiser, 1-5-08]
Update
* News of the Weird has mentioned several times (last in 2001) the
federal court order requiring the U.S. Bureau of Indian Affairs to
rectify decades' worth of negligence in administering the Indian
Trust Fund, which might involve as much as $2.5 billion. Included
in a 2001 court order was a prohibition against BIA's maintaining a
department website until it proves that it can secure all the records
necessary for the court-ordered accounting, and according to a
Boston Magazine story in January (reporting on the Bureau's
handling of a Massachusetts casino), the agency still lacks
department-wide Internet access. However, there is one room on
the fourth floor of the Bureau's Washington, D.C., office that is
connected to the web, but e-mailers and Googlers have to leave
their desks and go to that office. [Boston Magazine (blog), 1-17-
08]
The Jesus World Tour (all new!)
* Recent Playdates: Marion County, Fla., January (image of Jesus
on a slice of raw potato); Tampa, Fla., January (image of Jesus on a
slab of granite); Houston, Tex., January (image of Jesus on another
slice of raw potato); Meadow Lake, N.Mex., December (image of
Jesus on a sprayed-on wall covering); Homestead, Fla., December
(image of Jesus on a chest x-ray); Port St. Lucie, Fla., November
(image of Jesus on a pancake); Houston, Tex., October (image of
Jesus on a bathroom towel); Forest, Va., August (image of Jesus on
a smudge of driveway sealant); Manchester, Conn., August (image
of Jesus on a kitchen cabinet door); Lodi, Calif., August (image of
Jesus on a backyard fence)
Marion: [WOFL-TV (Orlando), 1-22-08]
Tampa: [WTVT (Tampa), 1-15-08]
Houston: [WOFL-TV (Orlando), 1-4-08]
Meadow: [WMTW-TV (Portland, Me.), 12-31-07]
Homestead: [WESH-TV (Orlando)-AP, 12-7-07]
Port St.: [St. Petersburg Times, 11-30-07]
Houston: [KTRK-TV (Houston), 10-19-07]
Forest: [News & Advance (Lynchburg, Va.), 8-8-07]
Manchester: [KUSA-TV (Denver), 8-15-07]
Lodi: [KXTV (Sacramento), 8-28-07]
Thanks This Week to Stephen Taylor, Mindy Cohen, Terri
Smith, H.Thompson, Karen Pradhan, Anthony Jeswald, Michael
Ravnitzky, and Ken Berkun, and to the News of the Weird Board
of Editorial Advisors.
* * * * *
Visit Chuck Shepherd daily at
http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com (or
www.NewsoftheWeird.com / WeirdN...@Yahoo.com / P.O.
Box 18737, Tampa FL 33629).