News of the Weird, January 27, 2008
Minister Chuck
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* A startup Massachusetts dating service has the usual
questionnaires about likes and dislikes but bases compatibility
specifically on how one person smells to another (straights and
gays accommodated). Eric Holzle's ScientificMatch.com tests
each person's "major histocompatibility complex" (MHC) genes,
the science behind which dictates how one person will translate the
scent of another (with similar-processing people less compatible).
(In one famous study, women preferred the smell of t-shirts from
men whose MHC was the most different from their own.) Holzle
predicts a higher success rate than for ordinary dating agencies, but
at a fee of $1,995 per client. [The Economist, 1-10-08]
Bright Ideas
* Michael Windisch, proprietor of the Maltermeister Turm
restaurant in Goslar, Lower Saxony, Germany, solved what has
become a crisis for other restaurants since the state extended a
smoking ban in August. Windisch opened three holes in an outer
wall so that, in cold weather, a smoker need not venture outside but
can stick his head and arms through the holes and puff away while
remaining inside (according to a December report in Der Spiegel).
[Spiegel.de, 12-20-07]
The Continuing Crisis
* In December, the city of Bangalore, India, staged its fifth annual
marathon, with an elite group of runners that officials thought
would bring the city recognition in the world racing community,
but problems occurred, the least of which were the city's
ubiquitous potholes and pollution. At about the 20 km mark, the
leaders were chased down the street by barking dogs snapping at
their heels. Twice during the race, runners were forced to stop and
take breaks because impatient motorists were disregarding traffic
controls to reclaim their roads. [The Times of India, 12-17-07]
* Egypt's competitive spirit, combined with a recent surge in piety
as some in the Middle East strengthen their commitment to Islam,
have led many men to suddenly sport dark calluses on their
foreheads ("raisins") as a signal of perhaps-overenthusiastic daily
praying. The five prayers require, in all, 34 contacts with the
ground (of forehead and nose), and additional personal prayers add
to the total, according to a December New York Times dispatch
from Cairo. Rumors persist that some men use sandpaper to
darken the calluses to appear even more pious. [New York Times,
12-18-07]
* Noxious Substances: (1) State and federal authorities descended
on Quality Pork Processors of Austin, Minn., in December after 11
workers contracted a mysterious neurological illness, which
apparently came from inhaling the mist that resulted from blowing
hogs' brains out with compressed air. (2) New York City apartment
house doorman Jonah Seeman was suspended in December after
excessive complaints about his bad breath. His job, said a resident,
is opening the door, "not . . . his mouth." (3) Maurice Fox, 77, said
in December he would comply with the wishes of the Kirkham
Street Sports and Social Club of Paignton, England, to sit only by
the front door so he could excuse himself when he needed to pass
gas, which management said had become a problem. [Tampa
Tribune-AP, 12-8-07] [Newsday-AP, 12-7-07] [BBC News, 12-4-
07]
* A neighborhood yard sale in Cocoa, Fla., in December offering
children's furniture and toys took place at a home at which two
registered sex offenders reside with their mother (though it was
unclear where the items came from). A probation officer checked
periodically to see that the men did not venture outside, where
some unsuspecting adults, and their children, browsed the
inventory. [WKMG-TV (Orlando), 12-30-07]
Great Moments in Maturity
* Douglas Hoffman, 60, was sentenced in January to as much as
five years in prison for staging a small-scale terror campaign
among his neighbors in Henderson, Nev., to mask his own
vandalism in destroying over 500 trees that were blocking his view
of the Las Vegas Strip. At first, according to prosecutors, Hoffman
cut down just the trees that affected his own view, but to divert
attention, he cut down others in the subdivision and then sent
threatening notes suggesting that a militia extremist
would continue to attack the community, finally promising
"chemical, biological, and nuclear mass destruction." [Chicago
Tribune-Los Angeles Times, 12-4-07]
* John Hayes, 46, a Marietta, Ga., middle school coach, was
arrested in December and charged as the person who drove a group
of his students around at night so they could vandalize various
Christmas yard decorations (in one case, leaving reindeer entangled
in "sexual positions"). A neighbor whose display was wrecked
pursued Hayes's truck, caught up to him, and asked, "Are you
crazy?" Hayes responded, allegedly, "It's just a bit of fun."
[WGCL-TV (Atlanta), 12-18-07]
The District of Calamity (continued)
* (1) Washington, D.C., firefighter Gerald Burton faced suspension
in December for disobeying a direct order by fighting a blaze he
had come across while driving his fire truck to a training class. A
supervisor had ordered him on to the class, but Burton and his
partner put out the fire (limiting damage to $150,000), along with
the dispatched crew, which arrived shortly after Burton. (2) In
December, as the director of the District of Columbia's Youth
Rehabilitation Services spoke before the City Council on the
successes of his special unit for tracking down escapees, one on-
the-run youth watched from the audience a few feet away,
unknown to the director, according to a Washington Post report.
(Another 19-year-old ran away in September and was unaccounted
for because a female YRS officer, unknown to her superiors, had
subsequently married him and was keeping him at their home,
according to the Post.) [Washington Post, 12-18-07] [Washington
Post, 12-15-07, 12-7-07]
The Weirdo-American Community
* Authorities in Valentine, Neb., have been on the lookout since
November for the vandal who has approached several storefronts at
night and, apparently with Vaseline smeared over his nude body,
pressed himself against windows and doors. A radio station called
the person "the buttcheek bandit" (although some speculate there
may also be a copycat). Asked Valentine police chief Ben
McBride, "Who in their right mind would do something like that?"
[Omaha World-Herald, 11-12-07]
Least Competent Criminals
* Clumsy: (1) A 26-year-old accused shoplifter was hospitalized
in Grand Rapids, Mich., in January after he got into a scuffle with a
department store security officer. He had allegedly stuffed some
knives under his clothes, and when he was knocked to the ground,
he accidentally fell on several of the blades. (2) Josue Herrios-
Coronilla, 18, was arrested in Durham, N.C., in January and
charged with DUI after he accidentally drove through a yard in a
residential neighborhood. He then abandoned his car and hitched a
ride, but at a later traffic stop, police identified him by his shoes, in
that when he ran out of the yard, he had stepped in several piles of
the resident's dogs' droppings. [Grand Rapids Press, 1-8-08]
[News & Observer (Raleigh), 1-10-08]
Recurring Themes
* Jerusalem's Church of the Holy Sepulchre makes News of the
Weird periodically (the latest in May 2007) because the six
Christian denominations that share its management become
involved in petty but elaborate disputes. A similar problem arises
at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem, where Roman Catholic,
Greek Orthodox, and Armenian clerics share space at the site
thought to be the birthplace of Jesus, and in December, when some
Orthodox faithful wandered into the Armenian section during
Christmas season, officials of both faiths squared off and flailed at
each other with brooms before being separated by Palestinian
police. [BBC News, 12-27-07]
Now, Which One Is the Brake? (all-new)
* Elderly drivers' recent lapses of concentration, confusing the
brake pedal with the gas: A Varnell, Ga., woman, 81, drove
through the front office of an insurance agency (August). A
Wausau, Wis., man, 80, crashed through a wall of a Burger King
(September) (and then got out and ordered breakfast). A Cedar
Rapids, Iowa, woman, described as "elderly," crashed into a
dentist's office (August). A woman, 76, drove through the front
entrance of Massachusetts's Brockton Hospital (October) (killing
the chief of radiation oncology and a receptionist). A Soldotna,
Alaska, woman, 73, crashed into a hair salon, knocking a customer
across the room (November). A Coral Springs, Fla., man, 71,
drove through a back yard, went airborne over a swimming pool,
and crashed into the house (October). [Dalton Daily Citizen, 8-1-
07] [Wausau Daily Herald, 9-13-07] [Cedar Rapids Gazette, 8-29-
07] [Boston Herald, 10-17-07] [ABC News-AP, 11-16-07] [South
Florida Sun-Sentinel, 10-19-07]
Thanks This Week to Rahul Bhattacharya, Scott Schrier,
Eli Christman, Tom Barker, Barbara Ell, and Brian Rogers, and to
many, many finders of the Least Competent Criminals stories, and
to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
* * * * *
Visit Chuck Shepherd daily at
http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com (or
www.NewsoftheWeird.com / WeirdN...@Yahoo.com / P.O.
Box 18737, Tampa FL 33629).