News of the Weird, April 13, 2008
Minister Chuck
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* China's societal self-improvement in preparation for the 2008
Olympics continues. The Beijing Tourism Bureau ordered hotels
to re-translate English signs, hoping to avoid such notorious past
gaffes as "Racist Park," which is now "Park of Ethnic Minorities"
and a cafe's attempt to salute Western visitors with "Welcome, big
nose friends." And the Beijing Olympics Committee has been
training hostesses for months to stand in military-like precision,
straight enough to hold a sheet of paper between their knees and to
smile continuously, showing "six to eight teeth" (even if placing a
chopstick in the mouth sideways is necessary for practice). There
are height and weight requirements for the hostesses, and each
must have an upper- to lower-body ratio of no more than 11:13, to
eliminate, according to local newspapers, "big bottoms." [Daily
Telegraph (London), 3-20-08] [Daily Telegraph (London), 1-11-
08]
Too Much Time on Their Hands
* It struck Leo Hill, 81, of Lakewood, Colo., that he was being
shorted sheets of toilet paper (in the 12-pack, whose rolls allegedly
yielded fewer sheets than similar rolls in the 4-pack), and he
earnestly counted 60 rolls, sheet by sheet, concluding that the
shortage amounted to enough paper to service one sit-down session
per roll. He took his complaint to the Denver Post (and even to the
Better Business Bureau), but the reporter, trying to replicate Leo's
work, found no shortage, in Leo's brand or eight others. [Denver
Post, 1-26-08]
* Jonathan Lee Riches is believed to be the most prolific lawsuit-
filer ever to operate from behind bars. His "docket" now includes
over 1,000 cases in just over two years (with eight more years to go
on a federal sentence for fraud), including claims totaling several
trillion dollars from "injuries" inflicted on him by such people as
President Bush, Martha Stewart, Steve Jobs, Britney Spears, Tiger
Woods (luggage theft), Barry Bonds (illegal moonshine
production), and football player Michael Vick ($63 billion for
allegedly stealing Riches's pit bulls and selling them on eBay so
that Vick could in turn buy missiles from Iran). [Guardian
(London), 3-2-08; Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 8-17-07]
Inexplicable
* Prison reformer James McDonough revealed in February the
extent of the mess he inherited when taking over the Florida
Department of Corrections in 2006 (40 officials charged with
crimes, 90 fired, 280 demoted) and said much of the problem
centered on inter-department softball. Even though former
officials had admitted to contract kickbacks and frequent taxpayer-
funded "orgies," McDonough said, "I cannot explain how big an
obsession softball had become. People were promoted on the spot
after a softball game . . . to high positions in the department
because they were able to hit a softball out of the park . . .. The
connection between softball and the parties and the corruption and
the beatings [of prisoners] was greatly intertwined." [CNN, 2-11-
08]
* Making artistic, themed scrapbooks is a $2.6 billion industry in
the U.S. (nearly one-fifth as large as the adult-video industry) and
has a "Hall of Fame" as protective of its morals as baseball's,
which has shunned gamblers and steroid-users. According to a
January Wall Street Journal report, one "superstar" scrapbooker,
Kristina Contes, was recently kicked out of the Hall for violating
etiquette by displaying another's photo inside her scrapbook in a
competition. Contes said the oversight was inadvertent but that she
is now shunned within the community for her grave offense and
called "labelwhore." [Los Angeles Times, 1-12-08]
* Orlando "public artist" Brian Feldman celebrated February 29th
(Leap Day) by devoting himself to "leaping," according to a report
on WOFL-TV. For the entire 24 hours, beginning at midnight,
Feldman leaped off a 12-foot-high platform every three minutes
and 56 seconds (a total of 366 times). Said Feldman, "I thought it
would be a good idea to get people to think how they spend their
day." [WOFL-TV (Orlando), 2-29-08]
Unclear on the Concept
* German artist Markus Kison created a full-body burqa, the robe
that devout Muslim women wear for modesty, but equipped to
send a digital signal of the wearer's face to anyone nearby via
Bluetooth. According to a February report in Der Spiegel, Kison
reasoned that, since nothing in the Quran specifically forbids it,
women can use it to determine their own personal levels of
modesty. [Der Spiegel, 2-25-08]
* First, Arkansas Tech University canceled outright its production
of the Stephen Sondheim play "Assassins" (containing some
violence) because of "recent tragic events" on campuses, but then
relented because of the hard work that the students had already put
in. In February, the production was staged in full, one time, to an
audience solely of participants' families, who presumably could
handle the violence. However, even that showing took place
without the play's prescribed guns, even though they were only
wooden props. (The "guns" were later discarded but only after
being sawed in half.) [The Courier (Russellville, Ark.), 2-21-08]
Accidents Will Happen
* (1) Police officer Thomas Wilson pleaded guilty to having 8,742
images of child pornography on his computer, but the judge
acknowledged that Wilson might have acquired them "somewhat
accidentally" (Brisbane, Australia; March). (2) Ernest Simmons
was convicted of attempted murder of two sheriff's deputies
despite his defense that he only "accidentally" shot at them (11
times, using two guns) (Orlando, January). (3) Accused purse-
snatcher Derrick Dale, 21, said that the purse fell on his foot and
(according to the arrest report) "the next thing he knew, [it] was in
his hands" (Destin, Fla., January). [Brisbane Times, 3-13-08]
[WFTV (Orlando), 1-31-08] [Northwest Florida Daily News, 1-18-
08]
Least Competent Criminals
* This Getaway Plan Works Better in July: James Jett, 33, was
arrested in Blount County, Tenn., in February after attempting to
evade police by jumping into Little River and submerging all but
his face. However, the high temperature that day was only 36
degrees (F), and by the time he was discovered, he was suffering
from hypothermia. [Daily Times (Maryville, Tenn.), 2-28-08]
Recurring Themes
* More People Having Sex with Inanimate Objects: (1) Art Price
Jr., 40, was charged with public indecency for several instances of
walking naked into his back yard and (according to neighbors'
videos) simulating intercourse with a picnic table (Bellevue, Ohio,
March). (2) A 36-year-old man faced several charges after
allegedly masturbating on a woman's bicycle seat (explaining that
he felt "an overwhelming calm" when he smelled the handlebars of
a woman's bike) (Ostersund, Sweden; February). (3) A building
contractor was caught by a security guard simulating sex with a
canister vacuum cleaner (and claiming that he was merely
vacuuming his underpants, which he said was a "common practice"
in his native Poland) (London; March). [Fremont News-
Messenger, 3-27-08] [The Local (Stockholm), 2-29-08] [Daily
Telegraph (London), 3-4-08]
* People continue to purposely maim themselves in various
schemes. Daniel Kuch allegedly had a friend shoot him in the
shoulder so he could get time off work (and was arrested for telling
police that it was a drive-by) (Pasco, Wash., February). And
Elizabeth Hingston, 24, let her boyfriend break her leg by jumping
on it so that the pair could claim insurance proceeds worth the
equivalent of $200,000 (Plymouth, England, November). And
Zachary Booso, 19, shot himself in the cheek, shoulder, and thigh
so that he could brag to his friends and ex-girlfriend that he is
involved with gangs (Brownsburg, Ind., March). [Chicago Sun-
Times-AP, 3-1-08] [Daily Mail (London), 11-20-07] [WRTV
(Indianapolis), 3-27-08]
Undignified Deaths
* A 39-year-old man who had been cited 32 times for driving
without a seat belt (and who finally rigged a fake belt in his car to
create the illusion that he was belted in) was killed in a low-impact
car crash that would not have been fatal to a belted driver (Okata,
New Zealand; coroner's inquest, February). And a 74-year-old
man died of hypothermia after sneaking out of a nursing home at
4:30 a.m. to smoke (Winnipeg, Manitoba; January). And a man
and a woman were fatally struck by several vehicles on the Trans-
Canada Highway after they had continued a fight from their
stopped car out to the middle of the road (Chilliwack, British
Columbia; February). [Fairfax News (Stuff.co.nz), 2-23-08]
[Halifax Daily News, 1-13-08] [Canadian Broadcasting Corp, 2-8-
08]
Thanks This Week to Dan Rotar, Peter Smagorinsky, Scott
Schrier, Emmitt Dove, John Sauter, Steve Dunn, Barry Rose,
George Foreman, and John Connell, and to the News of the Weird
Board of Editorial Advisors.
* * * * *
Visit Chuck Shepherd daily at
http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com (or
www.NewsoftheWeird.com / WeirdN...@Yahoo.com / P.O.
Box 18737, Tampa FL 33629).