News of the Weird, May 11, 2008
Minister Chuck
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* Almost-anything-goes "Ultimate fighting," also known as
"human cockfighting," is a major "sport," mostly in southern and
western states, but only in Missouri are kids as young as 6
permitted on the mats, according to a March Associated Press
dispatch from Carthage, Mo. Members of the "Garage Boys Fight
Crew," ages up to 14, including one girl, regularly square off with
only a few concessions, in rules and protective gear, from their
adult counterparts. Parents seem to regard the sport as casually as
they regard Little League or soccer, and sportsmanship is in
evidence, as kids are still best friends, pummeling each other inside
the cage but then heading off afterward to play video games. [Star
Tribune-AP, 3-27-08]
The Entrepreneurial Spirit!
* A highlight of this year's Easter promotion by the Jelly Belly
company (as additions to its 50 standard flavors) was its surprise
BeanBoozled boxes, with odd tastes and non-standard colors.
Although garlic beans, buttered-toast beans, and cheese pizza
beans are no longer available, connoisseurs can sample jelly beans
made to taste like pencil shavings, ear wax, moldy cheese, and
vomit. A Jelly Belly spokeswoman told Newhouse News Service
in March, "There are 20 flavors in each little box . . . so you don't
know what flavor you are tasting . . . coconut or baby wipe."
[Cleveland Plain Dealer, 3-22-08]
* Los Angeles businessman Llewellyn Werner told The Times of
London in April that he plans to spend $500 million to build a
Disneyland-type theme park in the heart of Baghdad, with the first
phase (a skateboard facility, with 200,000 free skateboards to hand
out) to open in just three months. Eventually, the park will include
rides and a concert theater adjacent to the Green Zone. [The Times
(London), 4-24-08]
* Questionable new products: (1) The Japanese manufacturer
Nihon Sofuken recently introduced a slightly peach-flavored drink
called Placenta 10000, but Wired.com was not able to verify
whether it contains actual human placenta (which is supposed to
have miraculous regenerating powers for some parts of the body).
(2) From Nickelodean merchandising has come a "Spongebob
Squarepants Musical Rectal Thermometer (that plays the
Spongebob theme that (the designer apparently imagines) makes
the temperature-taking process less unpleasant). [Wired.com, 3-31-
08] [CartoonBrew.com, 2-19-08]
Science on the Cutting Edge
* Prairie Orchard Farms in Manitoba told Toronto's Globe and
Mail in March that it has been successfully infusing hogs with
omega-3, the oils that get the best press among fatty acids, since it
is found plentifully in healthful salmon and other seafood. A
laboratory analysis of a slab of Prairie Orchard's "enriched" ham
had the omega-3's of almost one-fourth of a large salmon filet, but
the best news of all was that a 100-gram side of bacon equaled that
of the salmon filet. [Globe and Mail, 3-19-08]
* While so many lab mice get selected, unfortunately, for work like
cancer research, one group of male rodents at the University of
Texas Medical School at Houston has been hard at work, with
constant erections, helping researchers develop a biochemical
treatment for priapism, which plagues men with certain blood
disorders. (The condition is named for the Greek god Priapus,
who, to be punished for sexual misbehavior, supposedly received
an enormous, but useless, wooden penis.) [New Scientist, 3-13-08]
* Personality Transplants: (1) Cheryl Johnson, 37, described to
London's Daily Telegraph in March the many ways in which her
personality suddenly changed following a new kidney that she
received from a deceased, 59-year-old man. Some researchers
believe in such a "cellular memory phenomenon," but it is unclear
whether, for example, Johnson's recent abandonment of trashy
reading, in favor of Dostoevsky and Jane Austen, would qualify.
(2) Sonny Graham of Hilton Head, S.C., committed suicide in
April after having spent 13 years with the transplanted heart of
suicide victim Terry Cottle. The cellular implication is somewhat
less likely, though, because Graham's widow was the same woman
who was married to Cottle at the time of his suicide. [Daily
Telegraph (London), 3-16-08] [IslandPacket.com (Hilton Head), 4-
5-08]
Charity on the Cutting Edge
* "Obviously, this is not as important as helping starving kids in
Africa, but it's the same basis," Karla Rae Morris told Canada's
Sun newspapers in February. "They want to help us out," she said,
referring to her benefactors who had donated money (for two men,
over $1,000 [Cdn] each) so that she could afford breast implants,
based on arrangements commenced by the website
MyFreeImplants.com, which facilitates e-mail exchanges and chats
for prospective contributors and collects the money until the goal is
reached. "It's like donating to any charity," said Morris, of her
donors. "You feel like you're doing good." [Sun Newspapers, 2-
28-08]
Bright Ideas
* Among the notable offerings at the International Exhibition of
Inventions in Geneva, Switzerland, in April were beer-flavored
jelly (non-alcoholic) to spread on biscuits and artificial, removable
nose hair (swabs of pipe cleaner for the nostrils to block pollen and
dust). ("Most people do not have enough nose hair," inventor
Gensheng Sun told the Associated Press.) Italian engineer Enrico
Berruti said it was his personal laziness that led him to develop a
bed that makes itself, with automatic sheet-shaking and -
straightening. Diane Cheong Lee Mei of China swore that her
novel computer software employed sophisticated-enough
algorithms to enable the user to detect the gender of any e-mail
writer. [Der Spiegel-AP, 4-3-08; Agence France-Presse, 4-3-08]
Least Competent Criminals
* Not Ready for Prime Time: (1) Ahmed Jalloul, 20, was convicted
in April of robbing a post office in Adelaide, Australia, based on
DNA evidence. Witnesses said Jalloul seemed unsteady and
unsure of himself during the crime and consequently vomited on
the floor before running from the scene. (2) Eric Hardin, 20, was
charged in March in St. Louis, Mo., with possession of child
pornography on compact discs, which his former roommates had
turned over to police after cleaning his room. They had kicked
Hardin out for his unbearably poor hygiene. [Daily Telegraph
(London), 4-14-08] [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 3-15-08]
Recurring Themes
* "Freestyle" dog dancing continues to thrive, at least in British
Columbia (where the first organization sprang up in 1999,
amassing an 8,000-person mailing list, as News of the Weird
reported). A Globe and Mail dispatch in April noted that Gail
Walsh's school for dog dancing, Paws2Dance, teaches moves like
dog "weaves" around its human partner's legs and "backups," in
which the dog sets its own paces apart from its partner. Holding
the dog's paws and waltzing, as in at-home dog-dancing, is
apparently tacky and non-artistic and thus never allowed. [Globe
and Mail, 4-8-08]
Now, Which One Is the Brake? (all-new)
* Elderly drivers' recent lapses of concentration, confusing the
brake pedal with the gas (or however artfully they try to explain
what happened): A Citrus Heights, Calif., woman, 81, drove into
the ATM lobby of a Wells Fargo bank, injuring a customer
(March). A Chicago Heights, Ind., woman in her 80s drove
through a Dairy Queen (April). A Burbank, Calif., woman, 88,
drove into a post office, injuring two (March). An Indianapolis
woman, 90, backed into a McDonald's restaurant, injuring two
(April). A Springfield, Ill., woman described as "elderly," drove
through a delicatessen (March). A San Diego, Calif., woman, 81,
drove her car onto the support wires for a power pole, where it was
dangling when police arrived (March). And in a variation, a
Mount Pleasant, Pa., funeral home attendant, 73, mistakenly
shifted into reverse and fatally struck the owner of the car, who had
just turned it over to the man to park (March).
Citrus: [Sacramento Bee, 3-8-08]
Chicago Heights: [The Times of Northwest Indiana, 4-2-08]
Burbank: [Daily News of Los Angeles, 3-24-08]
Indianapolis: [WLFI-TV (Lafayette, Ind.)-AP, 4-10-08]
Springfield: [News-Leader, 3-24-08]
San Diego: [WFMB-TV, 3-22-08]
Mount Pleasant: [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 3-14-08]
Once a Ham . . .
* At a March British soccer match between Blackpool and Burnley
teams, greyhound owner Jane Holland was escorting her retired
dog Fool's Mile for a presentation when the crowd noise evidently
energized the champion racer, who broke away. "[W]hen she
heard the crowd, she was off," said Holland, and Fool's Mile
circled the track four times before being restrained. Said London's
Sunday Telegraph, the dog appeared to be reliving her glory days.
[Sunday Telegraph-Australian Associated Press, 3-9-08]
Thanks This Week to Hal Dunham, George Ronczy, Nicole
Johnson, and Elizabeth DeVivo, and to the News of the Weird
Board of Editorial Advisors.
* * * * *
Visit Chuck Shepherd daily at
http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com (or
www.NewsoftheWeird.com / WeirdN...@Yahoo.com / P.O.
Box 18737, Tampa FL 33629).